Original subtitles

- What are you doing? - Oh, Priya's calling in a few minutes...

...on Skype and we are gonna have a dinner date.

It's 8:00 in the morning in Mumbai.

How can she have dinner?

Whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.

All right. So technically, it's not a dinner date.

I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date.

But if you did, you'd open yourself to peer-based mocking...

...such as, "Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?"

That doesn't sound like mocking.

You didn't let me finish.

Dinfast.

Are those soy-based candles?

I don't know. Why?

Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens.

Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast.

Dinfast.

I don't wanna be rude, but Priya's gonna be calling, so...

Oh, yes. Priya.

Leonard, you know I make a point...

...of never interfering in your personal affairs.

Yes, I've always admired that about you.

As well you should.

But I'm going to make an exception here.

Oh, good.

Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career.

Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive...

...you could use that time to take up a hobby.

- A hobby? - Yes.

I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine.

I bet you could give him a run for his money.

You know, some people might say...

...that it's great that we're trying to make things work.

They'd say things like, "Love is stronger than the miles between you."

When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

You video chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?

Don't you like Amy?

- Of course, I like Amy. - Well, there's the difference.

(SKYPE RINGS)

Excuse me, that's Priya.

- Hi, Leonard. - Hey, honey.

- I miss you. - Oh, I miss you too.

I miss the old days...

...when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.

Oh, it's no problem.

It's actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading.

We're like an old married couple.

If we were an old married couple...

...the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.

I don't have iced tea and snickerdoodles.

A good wife would go to the store.

I want a divorce.

Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.

- Oh, it's great, isn't it? - It is.

Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks.

- This is a chair worthy of the name. - What name?

Chair.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

I mean, I still can't get over the fact someone just threw it away.

- What? - It was just sitting on the street.

I paid a homeless guy to help me get it up here.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

- What is wrong? - I've been sitting in garbage.

Sheldon, take it easy.

You take it easy. I need to use your shower.

I went into this marriage with so much hope.

There's a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Heh, this is fun. I've never used a hydraulic thermoforming press before.

It's pretty sweet, huh?

This little baby set the university back a hundred and seventy-five grand.

That's three minutes.

- Should we see what we got? - Hang on.

Oh, yeah. This is one good-looking panini.

- Hand me the tuna melt. - Yup.

Thank you.

How's it going with the long-distance love affair?

It's not easy, but we're making it work.

When you say making it work...

...does that include doing the cyber-nasty?

- What? - You know, the virtual pickle tickle, heh.

The digital:

(HUMMING PORN MUSIC)

Dude, this is my sister you're talking about.

Hey, Leonard jiggling his junk at her through a webcam...

...has gotta be easier to deal with than him touching her with it.

There's no junk-jiggling. We just talk.

Are you insane? With high-speed Internet, you have at your fingertips...

...the greatest advancement in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth.

I can't do that.

Heh, well, if you don't, you're gonna lose Priya...

...to some fancy guy in a turban...

...who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.

How can you be so racist?

Oh, come on, tell me I'm wrong.

Oh, Leonard, good, there you are.

I need you to check my head for chair lice.

I did it last night, I'm not doing it again.

Just his head, right?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You didn't catch bugs from Penny's chair.

Yes, I did. And now they're cavorting at the base of my hair follicles...

...like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

Sheldon, you do this all the time.

You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.

Name one time I've ever done that.

How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage...

...because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles.

The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets.

The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town.

The time you put on my shirt...

...and were convinced you'd started growing again.

I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

Hello.

You need to remove that chair from the building. It's a health hazard.

I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and fumigated the cushions.

- Really? - Yeah, it's cleaner than my couch.

Found half a Hot Pocket in there.

It certainly looks okay.

Has a strong toxic chemical smell.

- That's reassuring. - Why don't you give it a try, Sheldon?

All right.

Oh.

It is a comfortable chair.

Why don't you just admit you overreacted?

No, thank you.

It's like living with a Chihuahua.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

What's up, buttercup?

- You have to get rid of the chair. You... - Nope.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

What's the word, hummingbird?

For your safety...

...please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities...

...so they may remove the chair of death.

No.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

What's the gist, physicist?

Under my authority as a self-appointed member...

...of the Centers for Disease Control street team...

...these premises are condemned.

As a man with a keen sense of style...

...I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room.

Penny. Penny.

(SCREAMS)

Penny.

So here we are. Back in bed together.

Yep, here we are.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Okay, so I guess I'll just jump right in. - All right.

You're a naughty girl...

...and I wanna punish you with my love.

What?

- Not good? - That's terrible. Try again.

Okay. Uh, uh, you're not naughty, uh...

You're dirty.

You're...

You're a dirty girl?

Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You're a... You're a...

You're a dirty...

...disgusting, revolting girl.

(GROANS)

- God, Leonard. Stop talking. - Why don't you give me five minutes?

I'll Google how to do this, I'll call you right back.

Shh...

Just be quiet and do what I tell you.

Okay, like usual, good.

Take off your shirt.

Alrighty.

Shirt coming off.

Ta-da. Man nipples.

(CHUCKLES)

- I said be quiet. - Yes, ma'am.

Now take off your shorts.

Taking shorts off.

There we go.

Naked, naked, naked.

Wonderful. Now I'll take off my clothes.

Cool.

Uh-oh.

Here I am, baby.

You miss these?

- Damn it. - Oh, Leonard. Already?

No, no, no.

The screen froze. It's probably just buffering.

- Just give it a second? - Fine.

So how are your mom and dad?

I really don't want to talk about my parents.

Yeah. Sure, sure.

SHELDON: If your video's frozen, try resetting the TCP/IP stack.

Oh.

- I didn't even think of that. Thanks. SHELDON: You're welcome.

Let me know when you are done hogging the bandwidth for self-abuse.

I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

Five, six, seven, eight.

(SINGING): Tall and tan and young and lovely

The girl from Ipanema goes walking

And when she passes Each one she passes goes

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

SHELDON: Amy. Amy. Amy.

Oh.

Your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic...

- ...of obsessive-compulsive disorder. - Is not.

Is not. Is not.

Denial. Denial. Denial. Come in.

Thank you.

Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard?

No.

How about the theme song to the television show Diff'rent Strokes?

(SINGING): Now the world don't move to the

SHELDON: No.

Well, that's every song I know. What's up?

You're good friends with Penny, right?

Best friends, besties. BFFs, peas-in-a-pod...

...sisters who would share traveling pants. Go on.

I was hoping she might listen to you...

...about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.

For general educational purposes...

...or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?

Cholera is water-borne. You're mocking me.

Yes, I am.

Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance...

...jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

Just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic...

...doesn't mean I have to participate.

All right. Name your price.

Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.

You mean like Salt Lake City?

Never mind. I'll talk to Penny.

Thank you.

Will you listen to me play my harp now?

No. I dislike the sound of the harp.

Its overuse in classic television sitcoms...

...always makes me think I'm going to experience an episode from my past.

I'm sorry, Mommy. Don't be mad at me. Don't do that.

I don't know about this, Howard.

What? You're having trouble with the long-distance love-making.

This is your answer.

There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth.

You have one, Priya has one in India. When you move your lips and tongue...

...it transmits exactly what you're doing to hers.

See? Internet kissing.

Give it a try.

I don't think so.

I'll try it.

Like this?

Almost.

Really get your tongue in there to activate the motion sensor.

Like this?

- Close. Really French it. - All right.

- Better? - Yeah, you got it, you got it.

I'm impressed. This is very lifelike.

Whoa, you just bit my tongue.

Oh, I nibbled. I was being playful.

Why do you have to make everything weird?

Sorry.

- Better? - Oh, yeah.

Pretty cool, huh? Probably would have cost, like, 200 bucks in a store.

I do appreciate a bargain.

This entire ensemble once belonged to my dead grandmother.

- You're kidding? - Everything except bra and panties.

They're a leopard-spotted secret I share with Victoria.

And now me, heh.

I just have one question about the chair.

And what's that?

Aren't you worried about it being unhygienic?

No. It's completely fi...

Hmm.

I get it. Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this.

- No, he didn't. - Really?

Yes, he did, he absolutely did.

Oh, my God, Amy, that's really crappy of you.

- It is? - Yeah.

Letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me?

I thought you were my friend.

No, I am your friend. Please don't be mad at me.

I can't even believe this. Maybe you should just go.

No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I take it all back.

Look, I'm, uh... I'm sitting in your chair, there's nothing wrong with it.

Please let me continue to be part of your world.

Ow.

What's wrong?

Something in the chair is biting my tushy. It's not importa... Ow.

Wait, wait, get up. Get up.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Swear you won't tell Sheldon!

I swear!

Can I tell my doctor? I'm gonna need shots!

PENNY: Yeah, sure!

Oh, hey, babe. I think I've figured this thing out.

- Oh, Leonard, listen... - No, you listen.

You're my woman and I'm gonna make you feel things you've never felt before.

- Leonard... - That's right, say my name.

And beg me for more because I'm gonna give it to you.

My parents are here.

Hello, Leonard...

...if I may also say your name.

- Check it out. Free chair. - Yeah.

You know, if this was in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment...

...I wouldn't wind up sitting on the floor all the time.

On three.

(CHUCKLES)

- Three. - Three.

What kind of idiot throws away a terrific chair like this?