All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory S4E21 - The Agreement Dissection

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Leonard, are you in the shower?

LEONARD:
I can't hear you. I'm in the shower.

I asked if you were in the shower,
but that's moot now.

LEONARD:
What?

Moot.
Rendered unimportant by recent events.

LEONARD:
I can't hear you. I'm in the shower.

I have to skip the chitchat.

Emergency.

LEONARD: What kind of emergency?
- Mathematical.

Thirty-two-ounce banana smoothie,
16 ounce bladder.

You might not wanna do that.

No, I assure you I do.

Sheldon, I'm not alone in here.

What?

Hello, Sheldon.

What are you doing in there?
She can't be in here.

We were in here first.

- You can't be here.
- According to the roommate agreement...

...paragraph nine, subsection B:
The right to bathroom privacy...

...is suspended
in the event of force majeure.

And believe me,
I'm experiencing a very majeure force.

Oh, come on,
you can't wait two minutes?

Leonard, let the man pee.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

- What?
- Move, move, move.

You dance with me.

Dr. Leonard Hofstadter,
you are officially charged...

...with two violations
of the roommate agreement.

- Do you waive reading of the charges?
- Yeah, fine.

Hang on, no. My client does not waive
reading of the charges.

LEONARD:
Oh.

Cool, I've got a lawyer.

And I've seen her naked. Heh, heh.

Proceed.

Very well. Ahem.

Count the first:
On or about the 28th day of April...

...the accused did knowingly
and with malice aforethought...

...deny access to the shared bathroom
in a time of emergency...

...to wit, my back teeth were floating.

Count the second:
The accused exceeded...

...the agreed upon occupancy
of the shower.

To wit, one.

Unless we are under attack
by water-soluble aliens.

Can I see the roommate agreement?

Um, it's fairly technical.

I think I can handle it.

Top of her class.
Cambridge University.

Licensed to practice law
in three countries and your face.

All right. Based on a cursory reading,
it doesn't look like...

...you have much of a case, Sheldon.
- Do so, do so.

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Section seven here...

...on the right to enter
in emergency situations...

...is not specific
as to what constitutes an emergency.

No, that's ridiculous.

A bathroom emergency
is self-explanatory.

Is it?
If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair...

...could he barge in
while you were showering?

Irrelevant.
Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair.

He thinks because he's short,
nobody can see up there.

Point is, Sheldon, the legal principle...

...is ambiguity in a contract
benefits the party that did not draft it.

In this case, Leonard.
So much for count one.

- But...
- No buts. That's how the law works.

Schooled.

As for the shower capacity issue,
I cite addendum J.

"When Sheldon showers second,
all measures shall be taken...

...to ensure an adequate supply
of hot water."

I believe
this supersedes the occupancy issue.

Superseded.

This isn't over.

No offense, but shower sex with you...

...is now the second best thing
that's happened today.

Hmm. Greek food on pizza night.

This is the most cruel thing we've done to
Sheldon since we left that fake message...

...from Stephen Hawking
on his voicemail.

(ALL LAUGH)

Seriously?

(AS HAWKING)
I wish to discuss your theories...

...on black holes.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Meet me at the Randy's Donut
by the airport at 2 a.m.

What is that you're eating?

Tonight is pizza night.

I'd like to refer that to my attorney.

According to what I see here, Thursday
nights are Franconi's Pizza night.

Yes. And when Franconi's
went out of business...

...we switched to Graziano's.

That's interesting. Can you just
switch restaurants like that, Priya?

Good question, Howard.

Turns out you can't.

According to the document you drew up,
the selection of a new takeout restaurant...

...requires public hearings
and a 60-day comment period.

Were those criteria met?

No.

(ALL SHOUT IN GREEK)

Well, this is Greek food.

Leonard, you hate Greek food.

Not as much as you.

Fine.

I'm nothing if not adaptable.

I got you the lamb kabob.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

If you think about it, Greek food
isn't that far from Italian food.

They share a spice palette.

And what a civilization is the Greeks'.

Mm.

They gave us science, democracy...

...and little cubes of charred meat
that taste like sweat.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

- Hey, what's up?
- The mean Indian lady...

...tried to make me eat lamb.

Congratulations, pizza night will now be
at your apartment. Order one.

Sorry, I'm meeting Amy and Bernadette
for dinner.

You're welcome to tag along.

A girls' night?

Oh, I don't know if I'm up for talking
about rainbows, unicorns...

...and menstrual cramps.

Okay, suit yourself.

We'll probably
be trashing Priya a little.

Shotgun.

Okay, I'd like to propose a toast
to a wonderful girls' night out.

Fair warning, we can get crazy.

Yeah. Last week we smoked cigars
and pretended to be dragons.

Really, Amy?

Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you
not a lot of scientific discoveries...

...were made
by people having a good time?

Why did you bring him?
He's harshing my buzz.

I felt sorry for him.
Priya's giving him a hard time.

The Priya bashing's starting early.
Yay, heh.

Okay, what's up with those pantsuits?

I need some context.

Pantsuits suck.

And that opens her up
to justifiable ridicule for wearing them.

Good one, Bernadette.

See? Crazy.

Whee!

(LAUGHING)

You smell like baby powder.

It's talc.

As that's the primary ingredient
of baby powder...

...I understand your confusion.

Oh, I'm not confused at all.

You're like a sexy toddler.

I don't know how to process that.

I do.

Amy and Sheldon sitting in a tree,
K-l-S-S-S-S-l-N-G.

That's too many S's for kissing.

Not if they're doing it for a long time.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?

Other than my mother,
my sister and my meemaw, no.

But in the interest of full disclosure,
I was once on a bus...

...and gave mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation to an elderly nun...

...who passed out
from heat exhaustion.

Yeah, every year I get a Christmas card
from her signed with too many X's and O's.

That doesn't count.

Aren't you even a little curious?

Yeah, you're a scientist.

Where is the curiosity?

I'm available for experimentation.

Thank you.

Not necessary. We know everything
there is to know about kissing.

It requires 34 facial muscles
and 112 postural muscles.

Oh, blah, blah, blah.
Give me some sugar, bestie.

(LAUGHING)

I'm certainly glad no one said they were
curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Hey, I know.
Let's take Sheldon dancing.

Oh, I totally wanna see Sheldon dance.

I bet he looks like a spider
on a hot plate.

Ha, ha.

No, thank you. But for the record,
I'm an excellent dancer.

I'm proficient in the rumba, waltz
and cha-cha.

- Really?
- I don't see why that's surprising.

I excel at so many things.

You've had my sourdough bread.

Did you take dance lessons?

Against my will.

In the South, preadolescent children
are forced through cotillion...

...which indoctrinates them with all
social graces and dance skills needed...

...to function in 18th century Vienna.

Oh, we are so taking you dancing.

No, you most certainly are not.

What does your cotillion training say
is expected of a gentleman...

...when three ladies ask him
to escort them to a dance soir�e?

I saved a nun's life.

Why am I being punished?

- Oh.
- Oof!

Take us someplace we can waltz.

Where you can what?

Waltz.
It's a social dance from Austria...

...choreographed
to a three-four time signature.

(HUMMING WALTZ)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(DISPATCHER SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE OVER RADIO)

(HUMMING WALTZ)

DISPATCHER:
Ah, waltz.

(BOTH CONTINUE SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Here we go.

(SINGS)
I kissed a girl, and I liked it

(HUMMING)

What happened to you?

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)

Shake it, baby, shake it.

Muy caliente, Sheldon.

(LAUGHING)

- Care to dance?
- Oh, sorry, I'm engaged.

How about you?

Oh, what the hell. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh.

How come, if we're the smart people,
we don't do this every night?

What's 16 times 14?

My burps taste like cranberry juice.

And there's your answer.

You like to come in for a nightcap?

If you're referring to the beverage,
you know I don't drink.

If to the hat you don
while wearing a nightshirt...

...and holding a candle, I have one.

I have Yoo-Hoo.

It's hard to say no to Yoo-Hoo.

The name literally beckons.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Is someone smoking?

Oh, that's just Ricky.

- You own a smoking monkey?
- Don't be silly.

He's one of the animals in my
department's nicotine addiction study.

- What's he doing here?
- I'm giving him emphysema.

The least I can do
is let him hang out and watch cable.

Remarkable.

- You worried about secondhand smoke?
- A little.

The real danger is him biting my face off
while I'm sleeping.

Is he deliberately blowing smoke
at me?

Yeah. He's kind of an ass.

Thank you.

May I share something with you
that's troubling me?

Of course. What's rattling around
in that big bulbous brain of yours?

Priya has essentially nullified
my roommate agreement with Leonard...

...making life in the apartment
very uncomfortable for me.

And you want me to kill her? Done.

No, of course not.

I trained Ricky to smoke.
I can train him to shoot a dart.

No jury would convict us
because people love monkeys.

I understand the alcohol has stirred up
whatever it is that makes girls go wild.

But I really need to talk
to smart Amy now.

(CHATTERING)

Excuse me.

Have you considered your intelligence
might be causing your dilemma?

- No.
- What do you think Ricky would do...

...if an interloper encroached
on his territory?

Well, when challenged, monkeys
generally assert their dominance...

...through chasing, assault
and a stylized penile display.

A little outside my comfort zone.

You're being too literal.

My point is, he would not
meekly surrender to the rules...

...and neither should you.

Are you suggesting I play dirty?

Yes, dirty.

Dirty, dirty, dirty.

Which brings me
to our next order of business.

Fascinating.

I hope you don't take what I'm about
to do as a comment on what we just did.

(VOMITING)

Who's to say
you shouldn't be dissecting our brains?

You really are an ass.

- Morning, Sheldon.
- Oh, good you're up.

I've written a new and improved
roommate agreement...

...that benefits me greatly.

I'd like you to sign it.

Why would I wanna do that?

Excellent question.

Do you remember
what happened to the alien...

...played by character-actor,
Frank Gorshin...

...in the Star Trek episode,
"Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?

Uh, Captain Kirk
activated the self-destruct sequence...

...and threatened
to blow up the Enterprise and kill them...

...unless he gave in?
- Affirmative.

Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Activate self-destruct sequence.
Code 1, 1A, 2B.

COMPUTER:
Self-destruct sequence activated.

What are you gonna do, Sheldon,
blow up the apartment?

That was my first thought.

But all my cool stuff is here.

So, what happens
when it counts down?

Unless Leonard
signs the new agreement...

...in the next 41 seconds...

...this computer will send an e-mail
to your parents in India...

...saying
that you're in a secret relationship...

...with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff
Leonard Hofstadter.

- Oh, my God.
- What's the big deal?

- Trust me, it's a big deal.
- They're gonna find out eventually...

...right?
- Yeah. Just not today.

Twenty seconds.

- Are you ashamed of me?
- Of course not.

- Why can't we tell your parents?
- Please, don't push this.

He does that all the time. Fifteen.

- Okay, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
- No, he's bluffing.

I never bluff. Ten.

- It's blackmail.
- Nine.

- We give up.
- This is ridiculous.

It's a laptop with a full charge.
What do you see in him?

- Give him what he wants or we're done.
- Really?

- Two.
- Okay, I'll sign it.

COMPUTER:
Self-destruct sequence aborted.

You may have gone to Cambridge,
but I am an honorary graduate...

...of Starfleet Academy.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Good morning, Amy.

It most assuredly is not.

Are you experiencing dehydration,
headache, nausea and shame?

Yes.

I also found a Korean man's
business card tucked into my cleavage.

What happened last night?

Oh, memory impairment.

The free prize at the bottom
of every vodka bottle.

- Sheldon.
- All right.

Last night,
you gave me some excellent advice...

...regarding my problem here at home.
You kissed me...

...and then vomited on and off
for 40 minutes...

...following which
you passed out on your floor.

I then folded a towel under your head
as a pillow...

...set your oven clock to the correct time
because it was driving me crazy...

...and I left.

Okay.

Don't really know
where we go from here.

I suggest we treat our relationship
as if it were a crashed computer...

...and restore it to the last point
we both agree it worked.

Terrific. Thank you.

(MONKEY CHATTERING)

They were out of menthols.
Get off my back.

Not easy living
with a temperamental little primate.

LEONARD:
Come on, Priya, just admit I embarrass you.

You're preaching to the choir, sister.