Original subtitles

Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse...

...but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse.

Now, put your finger on it. No, doesn't matter which finger.

(SCOFFS)

Good choice.

Yeah, now move it down to your e-mail icon.

Yeah, the little envelope.

What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!

Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it.

Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Goodbye.

(SIGHS)

That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?

Yeah, I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology...

...should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two...

...it might give the others incentive to try harder.

I had a great idea. You know how we're always having...

...to stop and solve differential equations...

...like when you do Fourier analysis or using the Schrodinger equation?

Howard doesn't. He's only an engineer.

I think we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition...

...then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine.

You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation, and bam!

You know what's a great app? The one that makes fart noises.

You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.

Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat...

...who learned how to use the toilet?

No. The two achievements are equally surprising...

...and equally admirable.

Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

I'll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer.

I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.

Ha, ha. Yay for me.

What about you? I can't promise anything...

...but people do make money off stuff like this.

A few extra bucks would be nice.

- Could move out of my mother's house. - Where would you go?

I always dreamed about building a little place of my own over the garage.

You know, if I made more money, I could take time off...

...and give pretty girls submarine rides.

What's that, some weird sex thing?

No. You take girls underwater in your private submarine...

...and you show them fish.

Why does everything have to be dirty with you?

I think we could work on this at night and maybe in a couple of weeks...

...we'll have ourselves an app to sell. - Sounds like we're in business.

- I think we should capture this moment. - Yeah, let's do it.

(FART NOISE)

Was that the best 99 cents I ever spent or what?

I checked the App Store.

No one is doing handwriting recognition differential equation solving.

Oh, dear Lord, shush.

- What? - You have so few good ideas, Leonard.

And you're just gonna spill the beans in front of an outsider?

Who, me?

Sheldon, I don't think Penny cares about handwriting-recognition based...

(SINGSONG) The stars at night are big and bright

Deep in the heart of Texas

- She's not going to steal our idea. - What idea?

- We're gonna write... - (SINGSONG) The Prairie sky

Is wide and high

Deep in the heart...

- Okay, stop, stop. - Of Texas

Whatever your secret is, I'm sure it's boring. So I'm not interested.

Well, it's not boring at all. You see, in higher-order mathematics...

...there are certain sets of equations... - Bored.

- Satisfied? - (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hardly.

Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.

A young woman alone in the big city.

Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress...

...lies shattered about her.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Hang on, let's see where he's going.

Then it hits her, how is she going to survive?

But she has no prospects, no marketable skills.

And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses...

...and their friend Howard.

- Hey, l... - Hang on, let's see where he's going.

She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea...

...which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

That is ridiculous.

Is it? Let's see you come up with an explanation...

...as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.

I've already mooched dinner off you guys.

- I don't need to listen to this. - There's your answer, free food.

All right, I've taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts...

...which outline our duties and the path we will follow...

...as we develop our groundbreaking new app.

Hey. Why am I in charge of phone support?

Seems a bit racist.

A customer service representative with an Indian accent...

...will create the impression we're a vast enterprise...

...that uses overseas call centers.

Oh, very clever. But still racist.

Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.

Hey, why am I listed as your executive assistant?

Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute.

Oh, FYI, my mother's birthday is coming up.

I'm going to need you to pick up a present.

Okay, we need to stop for a minute.

We can talk during break. We have one coming up at midnight.

- And we'll need snacks. - Sheldon, you're not in charge.

- It's my idea. I'm in charge. - Oh, of course, you are.

Look at the organizational chart. You're clearly listed as founder.

Yes, and you're listed as chief executive officer...

...chief financial officer and chief operating officer.

You missed chief science officer, chairman of the board and...

...head of the Secret Santa committee. - Okay.

You need to get clear on this right now: I am in charge of this project.

Ooh, Leonard's going all alpha nerd on Sheldon's ass.

All right. I'm not going to argue with you.

Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player.

Dr. Hofstadter, you have the con.

Thank you. I thought we might start...

...by talking about the user interface. - Dear Lord, we're doomed.

So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation...

...but over here, you can press this...

...and just substitute new values for the coefficients.

Ha, ha. Good one, boss.

- What? - This diagram.

Well, I assume you were opening with a joke.

It certainly buoyed up this employee's esprit de corps.

It's not a joke. It's the real design.

In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?

Sheldon, I think this will work. Let's just try it my way.

Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed that you wanted...

...candid truth-telling from your employees.

But I realize now, you want the mindless nattering...

...of complacent yes-men.

- Are you done? - Lf you say so, boss.

Right now, this button-press event is triggering a dummy procedure call.

How about this for the app name?

The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential...

...Optimized Numerator.

So it spells "Sheldon."

Does it? A happy accident.

- We're not doing names now. Howard? - Like I was saying...

...now, it's a dummy procedure. Eventually, it will drop us in...

If we're not going to give it a name...

...can we at least give it a secret code designation?

- No. - Hear me out.

The atomic bomb was the Manhattan Project...

...Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago.

For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

That's just Sheldon backwards.

Another happy accident.

We're not wasting time with names right now.

I see.

- Is that decision open for discussion? - No.

Is the decision to not discuss...

...open for discussion? - No.

Again, right now...

...it's a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us...

I call for a vote of no confidence and a change in leadership.

- Sheldon, stop it. - When in the course of human events...

...it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds...

...that tie three scientists... - Enough, Sheldon.

Let's get to the vote. Show of hands...

...all opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny:

- Okay, that's it, you're fired. - Really?

Why?

Because you're impossible to work with.

I see.

And is that open for discussion?

- What are you doing? - Oh, good morning, shoemaker.

I think you'll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.

But I fired you.

Oh, I know. I'm now an independent contractor.

No, you are now nothing.

You have no connection to this project whatsoever.

But I made it better.

I don't want it better. I want it my way.

Well, that speaks volumes, doesn't it?

All right, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.

- What the hell are bus pants? - They are pants one wears...

...over regular pants when one sits on bus seats...

...that other people have previously sat on.

But, perhaps, from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder...

...you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work.

Nothing's changed in that regard. We're still roommates, still friends.

Except you identified me, your best friend...

...as a gangrenous limb...

...that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed.

The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.

You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

Mm, last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app...

...you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions.

(CHUCKLES)

But there was a secret tunnel...

...connecting your front yard to my back yard.

What do you think that means?

It means after we play handball, I'm showering at home.

Oh, good morning, friend Howard, friend Raj.

I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages.

Perhaps, they would taste better out of these.

- "World's Greatest Astrophysicist"? - Don't thank me, you earned it.

"Howard Wolowitz."

Why not "World's Greatest Engineer"?

Oh, I'm sorry, I typed that into the label maker...

...but I just couldn't press enter. Now down to business.

What would it take for you to abandon Leonard...

...and join me in a rival company?

Unless, of course, mugs are sufficient.

In which case, welcome aboard.

- We're not quitting on Leonard. - I understand. Your loyalty is admirable.

But what if I were to up the ante?

What are you talking about?

Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer.

No?

How about can cozies emblazoned with our university mascot?

Go Beavers.

I'll be back.

Okay, let's try this one.

Spherical Hankel function.

Hold on.

- That's it! - Yes! Eureka!

We agreed when it was "eureka" time, we were all gonna say it together.

- Fine, let's say it together. - No, the moment has passed.

Greetings, gentlemen.

How goes your little project?

You mean Project Lenwoloppali?

A combination of all your names. Very clever.

I assume "Koothranardowitz" was taken.

We're scanning equations and getting good results.

Oh, well, then by all means, carry on.

I wouldn't wanna impede your progress.

Howard, did you solve the install time problem?

No, it's tricky. I'm gonna try having it pick up the libraries...

(PLAYING THEREMIN)

What are you doing?

Playing the theremin.

No, I mean, what are you doing with a theremin?

Playing it.

I've loved the theremin from the moment I heard original Star Trek theme.

And it's been killing me that it just sits in my closet gathering dust.

- Sheldon, we're working here. - That's all right.

I can barely hear you over my theremin.

(THEREMIN STOPS PLAYING)

Well, that was a little uncalled for.

No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.

So your project is more important than mine?

Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.

Don't beat around the bush, Leonard.

If you don't want me here, just say the word and I'll leave.

Could have beaten around the bush a little.

(SINGING) Nobody knows

The trouble I've seen

Nobody knows my sorrow Oh

What you doing, trying to contact your home planet?

I'm practicing my theremin.

Oh.

(SINGING) Nobody knows

The trouble I've seen

Glory hallelujah

Something got you down there, Sheldon?

Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment.

- And his app team. - Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

He wouldn't drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.

- Is that so? - Yes, and they're still sticky.

Aw.

Probably gonna have to throw them away.

(PLAYING THEREMIN)

Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app.

You can make one with me.

With you?

(PLAYING THEREMIN)

- Seriously, I have a great idea for one. - Is it better than your idea...

...to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

When you see someone wearing shoes you like...

...you snap a picture and the app goes on the Internet...

...to find out where you can buy them. - That's your app idea?

- You don't like it? - I didn't say that. But no, I don't.

- Why not? - Oh, Penny, where do I begin?

The simple-mindedness of your idea...

...is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.

And Leonard didn't wanna work with you, imagine that.

I know, it's baffling.

(SINGING) Nobody knows

The trouble I've seen

Sheldon, I'm gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some?

- Do you make it with milk or water? - Milk.

- Real cocoa? - That's what it says on the packet.

- You have little those marshmallows? - No, sorry.

- Well, I suppose it's appropriate. - What does that mean?

A disappointing drink for a disappointing day.

Look. Twenty people from the university...

...have already signed up for our private beta.

I tell you, the Lenwoloppali Differential Equation Scanner meets a real need.

We've got a hit.

Ha, ha, what do you think we should sell it for?

Based on the fact that our potential market...

...is about 70 or 80 guys, and you want a submarine...

...l'd say about a million dollars a pop.

What if we put out a light version for half a million?

Get the word of mouth going.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, I'm sorry to bother you guys...

...but you've gotta come take Sheldon back.

- What's he doing in your apartment? - He was moping in the lobby...

...so I invited him over. I regret it.

Why do you regret...? Never mind, stupid question.

Can't you just let him play until bedtime?

We're not playing. This is real work.

We're gonna be hundredaires.

Okay, what if I got him to apologize and promise to behave?

Then I guess we would let him back on the app team.

While we're doing that, you could take an aerial tour of L.A. On your flying pig.

Okay, wait right here.

I'll tell you one thing...

...if I get rich, that's the kind of girl I wanna take on a submarine ride.

And yes, that time I meant it to be dirty.

Really?

Leonard wants me back?

Oh, yes. He says they are lost without you.

Well, we sure saw that coming.

- That's right. - You know what I'm going to do?

I am going to sit here and just let them stew.

(PLAYING THEREMIN)

No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough.

You know, everybody's suffered enough.

The thing is...

...you're gonna have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.

- How? - Say you're sorry.

Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn't raise her no liars.

Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you're always trying to learn...

...about sarcasm?

- No. - No?

I was being sarcastic.

Oh, good for you.

All you have to do is say you're sorry to Leonard...

...but say it sarcastically.

Of course.

He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences...

...as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I know it to be.

Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let's go.

By the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.

- Oh, you're welcome. - Oh, I'm getting good at this.

Okay, now that you're back on the team let's get you caught up.

Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am...

...for my earlier behavior...

...and how much I respect and admire your leadership.

Thank you.

So as you can see...

...not only can you store your favorite equations...

...but you can forward them to your friends...

...or post them on Facebook right from the app.

- Well, I must say, I am impressed. - Thanks.

- You all have put in a lot of hard work. - We have.

You have taken the most important step on the road to success:

Learning what not to do. Now, let's start fresh.

Howard, we're going to need some tea.

Okay, these are Uggs.

These are Crocs.

- These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks. - Bored.

You said it yourself, we have to create a database...

...before you can write an algo-thingy.

Algorithm. You see, Penny, Alan Turing defines an algorithm...

Bored.

Okay. These are Steve Maddens.

These are Nine West.

These are Target. Oh, but don't they look like Chanel?

- These are Michael Kors. - (SINGING) Nobody knows

- The trouble I've seen - These are Roxy.

- Nobody knows - These are Seychelles.

- My sorrow Oh, these are Betsy Johnson.

They're so cute.