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1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,243
(GUNFIRE ON TV)
2
00:00:05,416 --> 00:00:09,045
If they took all the money they spent
trying to make a decent Hulk movie...
3
00:00:09,220 --> 00:00:11,984
...they could probably
just make an actual Hulk.
4
00:00:12,756 --> 00:00:14,383
That is apt and amusing.
5
00:00:15,392 --> 00:00:18,452
I think I shall share that
with Amy Farrah Fowler.
6
00:00:19,563 --> 00:00:22,157
- She'll appreciate the witticism.
- Thank you.
7
00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:25,563
It will also help improve
her initial impression of you.
8
00:00:27,004 --> 00:00:31,236
- So, what's going on with you two?
- Oh, the status is as it always was.
9
00:00:31,408 --> 00:00:32,841
She's a girl, she's a friend.
10
00:00:33,010 --> 00:00:37,140
She's not my, please forgive me
for doing this, "girlfriend."
11
00:00:37,982 --> 00:00:39,074
Right, right.
12
00:00:39,650 --> 00:00:41,743
So you're still just texting
and e-mailing?
13
00:00:41,919 --> 00:00:45,411
You don't feel any need to hang out with
her, you know, be in the same room?
14
00:00:46,523 --> 00:00:48,491
Leonard, you are my best friend.
15
00:00:48,659 --> 00:00:50,320
I've known you for seven years...
16
00:00:50,494 --> 00:00:53,588
...and I can barely tolerate
sitting on the couch with you.
17
00:00:54,298 --> 00:00:55,526
Uh, imagine my attitude...
18
00:00:55,699 --> 00:00:59,135
...regarding prolonged physical proximity
to Amy Farrah Fowler.
19
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:01,535
Got it.
20
00:01:01,705 --> 00:01:04,833
- Well, I sense judgment on your part.
- No, no.
21
00:01:05,843 --> 00:01:07,606
Maybe a little.
22
00:01:08,479 --> 00:01:11,880
May I suggest that your criticism
is based on jealousy?
23
00:01:12,049 --> 00:01:14,677
Heh, jealousy? What do I have
to be jealous of?
24
00:01:14,852 --> 00:01:18,618
I have a functioning
and satisfying relationship with a female.
25
00:01:20,557 --> 00:01:22,184
And you have none.
26
00:01:22,926 --> 00:01:24,951
Oh, right. That. Hmm.
27
00:01:25,129 --> 00:01:28,326
Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster,
not unlike the Hulk.
28
00:01:28,499 --> 00:01:31,468
Who, by the way,
also has a girlfriend.
29
00:01:31,635 --> 00:01:33,626
In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly.
30
00:01:33,804 --> 00:01:37,433
Whom you may recall as the girlfriend
of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.
31
00:01:37,608 --> 00:01:40,702
A feel-good romp
if there ever was one.
32
00:01:42,012 --> 00:01:43,070
I'm not jealous.
33
00:01:43,847 --> 00:01:44,871
(GRUNTS)
34
00:01:45,049 --> 00:01:46,846
(IMITATES HULK)
Leonard not jealous.
35
00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:15,735
You know, it just occurred to me.
36
00:02:15,913 --> 00:02:18,973
If there are an infinite number
of parallel universes...
37
00:02:19,149 --> 00:02:21,811
...in one of them,
there's probably a Sheldon...
38
00:02:21,985 --> 00:02:25,318
...who doesn't believe
parallel universes exist.
39
00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:28,420
- Probably. What's your point?
- No point.
40
00:02:28,592 --> 00:02:31,561
It's just one of the things
that makes one of the me's chuckle.
41
00:02:31,729 --> 00:02:32,753
(CHUCKLES)
42
00:02:34,465 --> 00:02:39,596
- What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
- Um, recently? Not much.
43
00:02:39,770 --> 00:02:41,795
Is it because of the conflict
that arises...
44
00:02:41,972 --> 00:02:43,940
...from your desperate need
to pair bond with a woman...
45
00:02:44,108 --> 00:02:46,633
...and the apparent collective decision
on the part of all womankind...
46
00:02:46,810 --> 00:02:49,278
...to deny you that opportunity?
47
00:02:50,814 --> 00:02:52,441
LEONARD:
Um...
48
00:02:52,616 --> 00:02:54,277
Shut up.
49
00:02:54,952 --> 00:02:58,353
SHELDON: You know, when my grandfather
died and Meemaw was alone...
50
00:02:58,522 --> 00:03:01,685
...my Mom arranged for her
to visit a center three times a week...
51
00:03:01,859 --> 00:03:05,226
...where she could socialize
with other lonely people.
52
00:03:05,396 --> 00:03:06,488
It's very nice.
53
00:03:06,663 --> 00:03:10,064
They discuss current events,
play bridge, get a hot meal.
54
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:14,295
LEONARD: That sounds lovely.
SHELDON: Um, it is if you like bridge.
55
00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:17,102
Do you like bridge, Leonard?
56
00:03:17,274 --> 00:03:19,970
LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm just
not dating someone right now.
57
00:03:20,144 --> 00:03:23,113
I don't need to go
to a seniors' center.
58
00:03:24,014 --> 00:03:27,814
Meemaw resisted at first,
but now she loves it.
59
00:03:27,985 --> 00:03:31,250
Fine. If I don't meet someone soon,
you can put me in a home.
60
00:03:31,422 --> 00:03:35,324
It's not a home.
It's a senior center.
61
00:03:35,492 --> 00:03:38,222
We'd never put Meemaw
in a home.
62
00:03:39,763 --> 00:03:41,663
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
63
00:03:41,832 --> 00:03:45,029
All right, I'll bow to social pressure.
Hey.
64
00:03:46,336 --> 00:03:47,360
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
65
00:03:47,538 --> 00:03:49,335
Excuse me.
That's my girlfriend Bernadette.
66
00:03:49,506 --> 00:03:52,771
I assigned her own ring tone.
"Bernadette" by The Four Tops.
67
00:03:52,943 --> 00:03:55,002
Hello, Bernadette.
68
00:03:55,946 --> 00:03:58,881
When I call him,
his phone plays "Brown Eyed Girl"...
69
00:04:00,684 --> 00:04:03,050
...which now
that I think about it is not so good.
70
00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:05,678
You realize
he's just rubbing our noses...
71
00:04:05,856 --> 00:04:07,721
...in the fact
that he has a girlfriend and we don't.
72
00:04:07,891 --> 00:04:09,358
You mean you don't.
73
00:04:10,694 --> 00:04:12,321
You have a girlfriend?
How could you have a girlfriend?
74
00:04:12,496 --> 00:04:16,592
- You can't even speak to women.
- Uh, two words: Deaf chick.
75
00:04:17,768 --> 00:04:21,033
It doesn't matter if I can't talk
because she can't hear me.
76
00:04:21,972 --> 00:04:24,236
- What?
- That's what she said.
77
00:04:26,276 --> 00:04:28,710
Great. You have a girlfriend,
Howard has a girlfriend...
78
00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:30,005
...Sheldon's got a...
SHELDON: Ahem.
79
00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:32,580
- Girl who's a friend.
- Thank you.
80
00:04:33,317 --> 00:04:35,717
What about you, Stuart?
You have a girlfriend yet?
81
00:04:35,886 --> 00:04:38,377
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I met her at Comic-Con.
82
00:04:38,555 --> 00:04:41,422
The one place in the world where saying
"I own a comic book store"...
83
00:04:41,592 --> 00:04:43,389
...is an actual pick-up line.
84
00:04:43,827 --> 00:04:47,285
- Oh. Well, good for you.
- Not really. She's horrible.
85
00:04:48,565 --> 00:04:51,898
When she wants to have sex, she puts on
her plus-size Wonder Woman costume...
86
00:04:52,069 --> 00:04:55,971
...and shouts, "Who wants
to take a ride in my invisible plane?"
87
00:04:57,608 --> 00:05:01,169
- Why don't you just break up with her?
- Heh, no, I can't.
88
00:05:01,345 --> 00:05:04,746
- Why not?
- Because then I'd be alone. Like you.
89
00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:10,353
Dude, why don't you just invoke
your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz?
90
00:05:10,521 --> 00:05:14,821
Uh, because I don't need his girlfriend
to set me up with one of her girlfriends.
91
00:05:14,992 --> 00:05:18,291
I'm perfectly capable
of finding a girl on my own.
92
00:05:18,462 --> 00:05:21,795
Oh, Leonard. You remind me
of the funny old story about a man...
93
00:05:21,965 --> 00:05:24,490
...who walks into
a women's correctional institution...
94
00:05:24,668 --> 00:05:26,135
...with a stack of paperwork...
95
00:05:26,336 --> 00:05:28,998
...that would allow
the female convicts to go free.
96
00:05:29,172 --> 00:05:33,472
You're saying I couldn't get laid in a
women's prison with a handful of pardons.
97
00:05:34,011 --> 00:05:36,275
Are you gonna
let me tell the story or not?
98
00:05:40,484 --> 00:05:44,318
- Leonard? Are you sleeping?
- No.
99
00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:46,251
- Are you ill?
- No.
100
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:49,953
Are you depressed because you're
alone and no one loves you?
101
00:05:51,028 --> 00:05:52,552
I don't know. Maybe.
102
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:56,130
I want you to know that I'm genuinely
concerned about your well-being.
103
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,995
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
104
00:05:58,168 --> 00:06:01,160
But it's still no reason
to have your feet in my spot.
105
00:06:04,541 --> 00:06:06,338
AMY: (OVER LAPTOP)
May I offer an observation?
106
00:06:08,512 --> 00:06:10,139
What the hell?
How long has she been there?
107
00:06:10,314 --> 00:06:12,145
Since we got home
from the comic book store.
108
00:06:12,316 --> 00:06:13,977
That was two hours ago.
109
00:06:14,151 --> 00:06:16,642
As per your suggestion,
we're hanging out.
110
00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:19,516
Quite frankly, I don't see
what all the hoopla is about.
111
00:06:19,690 --> 00:06:20,782
Go on, Amy.
112
00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:22,550
From a neurobiological standpoint...
113
00:06:22,726 --> 00:06:25,251
...you may be alone
because your psychological state...
114
00:06:25,429 --> 00:06:28,887
...is causing an actual pheromone-based
stink of desperation.
115
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,097
- Did you know that, Leonard?
- No.
116
00:06:32,302 --> 00:06:33,894
I did.
117
00:06:34,805 --> 00:06:36,670
I understand that
some people find mates...
118
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:39,172
...in social gathering places
such as bars or taverns.
119
00:06:39,343 --> 00:06:40,833
Have you tried a bar or tavern?
120
00:06:41,011 --> 00:06:43,104
No, I'm not gonna
pick up a woman in a bar.
121
00:06:43,313 --> 00:06:45,338
Wise decision. You see, Amy...
122
00:06:45,515 --> 00:06:48,848
...success at a bar
is based on classic male attributes...
123
00:06:49,019 --> 00:06:51,954
...such as:
Height, strength, attractiveness...
124
00:06:52,122 --> 00:06:56,081
...the ability to hold one's liquor
and throw darts, separately or together.
125
00:06:56,259 --> 00:06:59,626
Leonard has none of these attributes,
right, Leonard?
126
00:07:01,632 --> 00:07:03,327
Right.
127
00:07:04,368 --> 00:07:06,962
That's not true of all bars.
Juice bars for example.
128
00:07:07,137 --> 00:07:09,037
Oh, good point, Amy.
129
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:10,833
Yeah. Building on your premise...
130
00:07:11,008 --> 00:07:14,136
...Leonard could frequent sushi bars,
salad bars...
131
00:07:14,344 --> 00:07:16,539
...oyster bars,
the Apple Genius Bar.
132
00:07:16,713 --> 00:07:19,147
- What are you doing?
- Keep going, I'm listening.
133
00:07:21,284 --> 00:07:22,410
That was rude.
134
00:07:22,919 --> 00:07:24,216
He does it all the time.
135
00:07:24,388 --> 00:07:28,051
He's a cornucopia
of social awkwardness.
136
00:07:28,492 --> 00:07:30,756
Cornucopia, what a mellifluous word.
137
00:07:30,927 --> 00:07:33,589
- Let's make that our word of the day.
- Agreed.
138
00:07:33,764 --> 00:07:35,664
And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow.
139
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:38,900
Well, I have to void my bladder.
140
00:07:39,069 --> 00:07:41,003
It was nice
spending this time with you.
141
00:07:41,171 --> 00:07:44,607
AMY: Wait. I have a request.
- Yes?
142
00:07:44,775 --> 00:07:49,007
- I'd like you to meet my mother.
- I see. Can I get back to you on that?
143
00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:52,580
- Certainly. Good night.
- Good night.
144
00:07:57,654 --> 00:08:02,284
SHELDON:
Leonard. Leonard...
145
00:08:02,459 --> 00:08:06,759
Leonard. Leonard...
146
00:08:06,930 --> 00:08:09,490
- Leonard. Leonard.
- Yeah. What?
147
00:08:09,666 --> 00:08:12,396
Amy Farrah Fowler
has asked me to meet her mother.
148
00:08:12,569 --> 00:08:16,266
- Yeah? So?
- What does that mean?
149
00:08:16,807 --> 00:08:19,469
You know how you're always saying
that Amy is a girl...
150
00:08:19,643 --> 00:08:22,510
...who is a friend and not your girlfriend?
- Uh-huh.
151
00:08:22,679 --> 00:08:24,408
You can't say that anymore.
152
00:08:27,417 --> 00:08:28,475
SHELDON:
What?
153
00:08:28,652 --> 00:08:31,416
LEONARD: Well, she obviously wants to
take your relationship to the next level.
154
00:08:31,588 --> 00:08:35,684
SHELDON: Ugh, I don't want the next level.
I like this level.
155
00:08:36,193 --> 00:08:38,320
Fix it for me.
156
00:08:38,495 --> 00:08:40,895
Me? How am I supposed to fix it?
157
00:08:41,064 --> 00:08:44,363
Simple. You want a girlfriend.
Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend.
158
00:08:44,534 --> 00:08:47,435
Take her off my hands.
I give you my blessing.
159
00:08:48,438 --> 00:08:49,530
That is insane.
160
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:52,573
You're right. It would never work.
Amy finds you tedious.
161
00:08:53,210 --> 00:08:55,178
- Okay, good luck.
- W... Wait.
162
00:08:55,345 --> 00:08:56,642
What am I supposed to do?
163
00:08:56,813 --> 00:08:59,441
Have you considered telling her
how you feel?
164
00:08:59,616 --> 00:09:02,710
Leonard, I'm a physicist,
not a hippie.
165
00:09:04,821 --> 00:09:08,655
All right, well, let me see if I can
explain your situation using physics.
166
00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:11,817
What would you be
if you were attached to another object...
167
00:09:11,995 --> 00:09:16,022
...by an inclined plane
wrapped helically around an axis?
168
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:18,593
Screwed.
169
00:09:20,704 --> 00:09:22,831
There you go.
170
00:09:26,209 --> 00:09:29,007
Amy's right, he is tedious.
171
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:37,075
MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard, get the door!
172
00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:39,879
HOWARD:
Why can't you get it?
173
00:09:40,056 --> 00:09:45,358
MRS. WOLOWITZ: You know I'm doing
a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy.
174
00:09:46,396 --> 00:09:50,992
I'm like an upside-down volcano here.
175
00:09:53,069 --> 00:09:55,629
Oh, hey, heh, I hope you didn't hear that.
176
00:09:55,806 --> 00:09:57,706
The volcano thing? No.
177
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:01,302
What's with the T-shirt?
You're working at the Apple store now?
178
00:10:01,511 --> 00:10:03,911
Well, uh, no, it's just something
I threw on.
179
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,947
I know all your shirts,
that's not one of...
180
00:10:07,117 --> 00:10:10,712
You were pretending to work at the Genius
Bar to pick up women, weren't you?
181
00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:13,714
Yeah.
182
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:18,561
Turns out they guard the iPods,
but they don't guard the shirts.
183
00:10:18,728 --> 00:10:21,561
- So how'd it go?
- It was going well.
184
00:10:21,731 --> 00:10:24,393
I was showing this super hot girl
how to boot up in safe mode...
185
00:10:24,568 --> 00:10:26,729
...the manager got suspicious and...
186
00:10:26,903 --> 00:10:31,738
Well, long story short,
they really do have a little jail in the mall.
187
00:10:32,409 --> 00:10:35,344
Just FYI, don't try to go back
with a fake mustache.
188
00:10:35,545 --> 00:10:39,606
I mean, they may not really be geniuses,
but they see right through that.
189
00:10:40,617 --> 00:10:42,744
I wanna invoke the girlfriend pact,
Howard.
190
00:10:42,919 --> 00:10:43,977
You that desperate?
191
00:10:44,154 --> 00:10:46,281
No, uh, I just...
You know, I want what you have.
192
00:10:46,456 --> 00:10:48,117
You know,
I want a woman in my life.
193
00:10:48,291 --> 00:10:53,194
MRS. WOLOWITZ: Holy Moses,
how much liquid can be in one tuchus?
194
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:59,499
To be clear, I meant Bernadette,
not your mother.
195
00:10:59,669 --> 00:11:01,728
No, I know what you meant.
196
00:11:05,308 --> 00:11:08,277
Well, I'm off to meet
Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
197
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:10,905
As if one of the plants...
198
00:11:11,081 --> 00:11:14,312
...from Invasion of the Body Snatchers
duplicated you in every way...
199
00:11:14,484 --> 00:11:16,850
...only with an absurd amount
of hair gel.
200
00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:19,481
What are you working on?
201
00:11:19,656 --> 00:11:22,625
I'm removing my digital footprint
from the Internet...
202
00:11:22,792 --> 00:11:26,250
...so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me
and compel me to meet her mother.
203
00:11:26,429 --> 00:11:29,489
- Oh. You're going off the grid.
- Exactly.
204
00:11:29,666 --> 00:11:32,601
The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.
205
00:11:33,503 --> 00:11:37,496
Thank you. I've also sent
Amy a relationship termination notice...
206
00:11:37,674 --> 00:11:41,440
...and changed my cell phone
number and e-mail address.
207
00:11:41,611 --> 00:11:43,169
What if she just comes over?
208
00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:46,838
She'll get lost.
We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles.
209
00:11:47,017 --> 00:11:51,113
We now live at 311 Los Robles.
210
00:11:54,758 --> 00:11:57,750
You changed the address
on the building? What about mail?
211
00:11:57,928 --> 00:12:00,829
No worries, I explained
my predicament to our letter carrier.
212
00:12:00,997 --> 00:12:04,398
He was sympathetic. His exact words
were, "Got your back, Jack.
213
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:06,797
Bitches be crazy."
214
00:12:08,104 --> 00:12:09,628
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
215
00:12:13,543 --> 00:12:15,773
LEONARD: Who is it?
AMY: Amy Farrah Fowler.
216
00:12:19,382 --> 00:12:22,783
- Darn! She found me.
- She's been here before.
217
00:12:24,654 --> 00:12:27,214
The only flaw
in an otherwise perfect plan.
218
00:12:29,426 --> 00:12:31,656
- Now get my back, Jack.
- What do you wanna do?
219
00:12:31,828 --> 00:12:33,420
- Tell her I'm not here.
- Where are you?
220
00:12:33,596 --> 00:12:35,530
I don't know.
You'll have to devise a scenario...
221
00:12:35,699 --> 00:12:37,326
...that plausibly explains
my absence...
222
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:42,096
...keeping in mind that the key
to a good lie lies in the details.
223
00:12:42,839 --> 00:12:43,863
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
224
00:12:55,118 --> 00:12:58,884
- Hi, Amy. Sheldon's not here.
- All right.
225
00:13:04,327 --> 00:13:06,056
Way to go on the details.
226
00:13:08,698 --> 00:13:12,600
- Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
- Oh, I take pacts very seriously.
227
00:13:12,769 --> 00:13:13,861
One time at my lab...
228
00:13:14,037 --> 00:13:17,097
...a Petri dish of genetically modified
super-virus went missing.
229
00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:18,900
That day, we made a pinky swear...
230
00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:22,636
...never to admit that we crossed
Ebola with the common cold.
231
00:13:23,546 --> 00:13:27,448
Heh. Why the hell would you cross
Ebola with the common cold?
232
00:13:28,151 --> 00:13:32,747
We never did.
That would be a terrible, terrible thing.
233
00:13:34,391 --> 00:13:36,154
Hi, sorry I'm late.
I was at the gym.
234
00:13:36,626 --> 00:13:40,392
Spin class,
worked up quite a sweat.
235
00:13:43,299 --> 00:13:45,392
Joy, this is Leonard.
Leonard, this is Joy.
236
00:13:45,568 --> 00:13:47,695
- Hi.
- Hi. You don't look like a genius.
237
00:13:47,871 --> 00:13:48,895
- Go ahead, say something smart.
- Um...
238
00:13:49,072 --> 00:13:50,096
Ehh, time's up.
239
00:13:50,273 --> 00:13:52,241
(LAUGHS)
240
00:13:52,642 --> 00:13:55,236
Just kidding. First thing
you need to know about me...
241
00:13:55,412 --> 00:13:56,674
...I�m hilarious.
242
00:13:56,846 --> 00:13:58,609
(LAUGHS)
243
00:13:58,782 --> 00:14:00,374
Yeah.
244
00:14:01,184 --> 00:14:04,176
So Bernadette tells me she knows you
from, uh, self-defense classes.
245
00:14:04,387 --> 00:14:07,322
Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga.
Lots of fun.
246
00:14:07,824 --> 00:14:11,157
Basically, a hundred different ways
to rip a guy's nuts off.
247
00:14:12,429 --> 00:14:14,192
Wouldn't think there'd be that many.
248
00:14:14,397 --> 00:14:16,763
- Number 42.
- Whoa!
249
00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:18,423
Isn't she a pip?
250
00:14:26,109 --> 00:14:28,873
SHELDON:
Proxima Centauri's the nearest star.
251
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:32,105
The celestial bodies that follow are:
252
00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:34,546
Alpha Centauri A, Toli...
253
00:14:35,051 --> 00:14:39,317
...Barnard's Star, Wolf 359...
254
00:14:43,293 --> 00:14:47,821
...Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B...
255
00:14:47,997 --> 00:14:53,162
...BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154...
256
00:14:53,336 --> 00:14:55,463
...Ross 248...
257
00:14:57,073 --> 00:15:02,477
...Epsilon Eridani,
Lac 9352, Ross-128...
258
00:15:02,645 --> 00:15:04,374
...Procyon A.
259
00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:07,243
Oh, darn, that's wrong!
260
00:15:07,617 --> 00:15:08,641
(SIGHS)
261
00:15:12,455 --> 00:15:16,414
EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B...
262
00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:18,857
...EZ Aquarii C...
263
00:15:19,028 --> 00:15:22,361
...Procyon A.
264
00:15:22,899 --> 00:15:24,958
Those are the stars
that are nearest to me.
265
00:15:25,135 --> 00:15:27,569
Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee.
266
00:15:32,475 --> 00:15:34,466
Oh, dear.
267
00:15:35,178 --> 00:15:37,612
They really do be crazy.
268
00:15:41,684 --> 00:15:42,776
(BELCHES)
269
00:15:44,387 --> 00:15:47,686
This lobster's good on the way down
and the way up.
270
00:15:49,192 --> 00:15:51,558
Should be. It's $30 a pound.
271
00:15:52,762 --> 00:15:55,731
Hey. This is a date, right?
272
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:58,728
- Yep, it is.
- Seventy-three!
273
00:15:58,902 --> 00:15:59,926
Oh!
274
00:16:00,103 --> 00:16:01,195
(JOY LAUGHS)
275
00:16:01,371 --> 00:16:04,704
Ahem, excuse me, I have to go
to the little girls' room...
276
00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:06,136
...and take a wicked whiz.
277
00:16:07,210 --> 00:16:08,609
I'll go with you.
278
00:16:08,778 --> 00:16:10,712
Fair warning, I had the asparagus.
279
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,144
My pee is gonna stink up the place.
280
00:16:15,552 --> 00:16:16,644
I think she likes you.
281
00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:26,024
SHELDON (IN LOW VOICE):
EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C...
282
00:16:26,663 --> 00:16:29,154
...Procyon A.
283
00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:36,133
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Excuse me, madam.
284
00:16:37,907 --> 00:16:39,602
Sheldon?
285
00:16:39,976 --> 00:16:41,341
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Rats!
286
00:16:42,445 --> 00:16:44,572
I believe a misunderstanding
may have occurred...
287
00:16:44,747 --> 00:16:46,738
...when I asked you
to meet my mother.
288
00:16:46,916 --> 00:16:48,042
No misunderstanding.
289
00:16:48,218 --> 00:16:50,743
I've learned what
that request actually means...
290
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,411
...and I don't want
to be joined to another object...
291
00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:57,185
...by an inclined plane
wrapped helically around an axis.
292
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,193
In what way are you screwed?
293
00:17:01,064 --> 00:17:03,965
All I wanna do is present you
as my boyfriend to my mother...
294
00:17:04,133 --> 00:17:06,966
...so she'll be satisfied
that I'm in a relationship.
295
00:17:07,136 --> 00:17:10,537
- So we'd be perpetrating a ruse?
- Precisely.
296
00:17:10,707 --> 00:17:14,143
And you haven't fallen
hopelessly in love with me?
297
00:17:14,310 --> 00:17:15,777
Don't be absurd.
298
00:17:17,313 --> 00:17:20,544
I find the notion of romantic love to be
an unnecessary cultural construct...
299
00:17:20,717 --> 00:17:22,844
...that adds no value
to human relationships.
300
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:28,723
Amy, that's the most pragmatic thing
anyone has ever said to me.
301
00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:31,457
I trust this clarification
allows us to return...
302
00:17:31,628 --> 00:17:34,392
...to boy-slash-friend-
slash-girl-slash-friend status.
303
00:17:34,597 --> 00:17:35,996
Of course.
304
00:17:36,165 --> 00:17:38,395
Would you like to join me
for Chinese food?
305
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:40,728
Sheldon, please,
you're suffocating me.
306
00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:44,670
My apologies.
307
00:17:44,841 --> 00:17:47,207
- Good night, Amy.
AMY: Good night, Sheldon.
308
00:17:48,611 --> 00:17:51,910
Come on, just give her a chance.
Maybe she'll grow on you.
309
00:17:52,115 --> 00:17:55,744
Or maybe she'll finally succeed
in ripping my nuts off.
310
00:17:57,387 --> 00:18:00,117
There's still 93 ways
she hasn't tried yet.
311
00:18:01,057 --> 00:18:02,718
Uh, Howard, I appreciate the effort...
312
00:18:02,892 --> 00:18:05,326
...but this is, like,
the worst date of my life.
313
00:18:05,495 --> 00:18:06,985
Heh, seriously?
314
00:18:07,163 --> 00:18:10,189
I was once robbed by a pre-op
transsexual I met on JDate...
315
00:18:10,366 --> 00:18:13,665
...and that didn't
even crack my top 10.
316
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:17,196
Well, I guess the difference is
I have some self-respect.
317
00:18:17,373 --> 00:18:19,671
Not that I've ever seen.
318
00:18:19,842 --> 00:18:21,275
It's relatively new.
319
00:18:22,412 --> 00:18:25,347
I just know I'm not gonna
spend time with someone I don't like...
320
00:18:25,515 --> 00:18:26,948
...simply to have a girlfriend.
321
00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:28,549
I'm okay on my own.
322
00:18:28,718 --> 00:18:32,210
Good news,
I made lots of room for dessert.
323
00:18:33,856 --> 00:18:36,882
- Uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but, uh...
- Yeah, you too.
324
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:40,552
You got anything for next weekend?
I need a date for my cousin's wedding.
325
00:18:40,730 --> 00:18:42,857
- You're asking me out?
JOY: Yeah.
326
00:18:43,032 --> 00:18:47,093
And it's an open bar,
so I'll probably be giving it away.
327
00:18:49,472 --> 00:18:51,702
I'll look forward to it.
328
00:18:58,581 --> 00:19:00,981
MRS. FOWLER (OVER LAPTOP):
It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon.
329
00:19:01,150 --> 00:19:05,416
I honestly didn't believe Amy
when she told me she had a boyfriend.
330
00:19:05,955 --> 00:19:08,150
I assure you I am quite real...
331
00:19:08,324 --> 00:19:12,124
...and I'm having regular intercourse
with your daughter.
332
00:19:13,963 --> 00:19:15,954
- What?
- Oh, yes.
333
00:19:16,132 --> 00:19:19,033
We are like wild animals in heat.
334
00:19:19,235 --> 00:19:22,261
It's a wonder
neither of us has been hurt.
335
00:19:23,339 --> 00:19:26,331
Amy, what is he saying?
336
00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:30,445
You wanted me to have a boyfriend,
mother. Well, here he is.
337
00:19:33,149 --> 00:19:34,616
Have to sign off now.
338
00:19:34,784 --> 00:19:37,014
My hunger for Sheldon
is stirring in my loins.
339
00:19:38,821 --> 00:19:42,279
Oh, yes. It's time for me to make love
to your daughter's vagina.
340
00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:43,482
MRS. FOWLER:
Oh!
341
00:19:47,897 --> 00:19:51,333
- Thank you. That went very well.
- Agreed.
342
00:19:51,501 --> 00:19:53,264
Amy, I find myself wondering...
343
00:19:53,436 --> 00:19:58,203
...if we should actually engage in coitus
at least one time in our relationship.
344
00:19:59,275 --> 00:20:01,300
Buzzinga.
345
00:20:02,979 --> 00:20:04,674
Bedtime,
please show yourself out.
29259
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