All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 02x12 - The Killer Robot Instability

All right, that's the last servo.

Behold the Mobile Omnidirectional
Neutralization and Termination Eradicator.

Or...

ALL:
Monte.

Featuring one articulated
razor-sharp killing saw...

...one polycarbonate grinding wheel...

...steel-armor plate exoskeleton
top and bottom.

Enough horsepower to drive
110 pounds of mechanized death...

...from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.

Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?

As with my father,
I both love and fear it.

All right, enough chitchat.
Let's destroy something.

ALL:
One, two, three. Unh.

RAJESH: Okay, what shall be first
to taste the wrath of Monte?

Maybe we should start small.

RAJESH: Okay. Oh, perhaps today
is the day we finally find out...

...what's inside the Magic 8 Ball.

Did it when I was 4.

It's an icosahedral die
floating in tinted blue water.

Man, call spoiler alert
before you say things like that.

How about the toaster oven?

What did the toaster oven ever do to you?

What did I do to Jimmy Mullins
in the third grade?

He still punched me in the face
with my own fists.

Sorry, you little nerd. You were just
in the wrong boys' room at the wrong time.

Gentlemen, goggles.

Yeah, this is an auspicious moment.

Like Robert Oppenheimer
or Neil Armstrong...

...we need the appropriate words
to mark this historic scientific event.

How about, "Die, toaster, die"?

That'll do it.

All right, what's next?

No, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight
and do laundry.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, yeah. This door got the full monty.

PENNY: Leonard?
- Uh-huh?

What the hell?

- A killer robot. We built it.
- Yeah, well, it almost killed me.

If it wanted to kill you, you'd be dead.

So who exactly does it wanna kill?

I'm sorry, are you unaware
of the upcoming...

...Southern California Robot
Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?

You know, since I moved last year,
not all my mail has been forwarded.

It's a big deal, heh.

There's an awards banquet
and a dance afterward.

Perhaps you'd like to come with me.

I know the other fellas
would be really excited to see a girl there.

How is it supposed to be a dance
if I'm the only girl?

Well, that may be a slight exaggeration.

You'd be the only doable girl.

You're a pig, Howard.

How is doable
anything but a compliment?

- Why don't we work on the robot?
- Please, Leonard, not now.

Once again, Penny and I
have begun our little tango.

Our... Our tango?

The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro.

But as delicious
as the appetizer might be...

...at some point we will have to succumb
and eat the entrée while it's still...

[MIMICS SIZZLING]

...hot.

I'm begging you, stop talking.

Look, normally, I can just ignore you.

I mean, I get it. You're a little peculiar.
Like Sheldon.

Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room,
you're the one who's peculiar.

Yeah, you might be right.

But back to you. You think you're some
sort of smooth-talking ladies' man...

...but the truth is
you are just pathetic and creepy.

Um...

So, what are you saying?

I am saying it is not a compliment
to call me doable.

It is not sexy to stare at my ass
and say:

[AS HOWARD] "Ooh, it must be jelly,
because jam don't shake like that."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Most important,
we are not dancing a tango.

We're not to-ing and fro-ing.

Nothing is ever gonna happen
between us. Ever.

Wait a minute. This isn't flirting.
You're serious.

Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you?
I am not flirting with you.

No woman is ever gonna flirt with you.
You're just gonna grow old and die alone.

Thanks for the heads up.

- Howard, where are you going?
- I'm going home...

...to live my creepy, pathetic life.

Wow.

Well, y... Someone had to say it.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

[CHUCKLES]

- What?
- Uh, he said maybe we should enter you...

...in the killer-robot competition.

[RAJESH CHUCKLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard, the phone is ringing!

Here's a crazy idea, Ma: answer it!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Hello?

All right, hold on.

It's your friend, Leonard!

He wants to know
why you're not at school today.

I don't go to school, Ma.

I work at a university.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: That's a school.
Now pick up the phone.

I don't wanna talk to anybody.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Should I ask Leonard
to bring over your homework?

I don't have homework.

I'm a grown man
with a Master's degree in Engineering!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Excuse me, Mr. Fancy-Pants.

Want me to get you a popsicle?

Cherry, please.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
I ate the cherry. All that's left is green.

You make me wanna kill myself.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

Now they're just yelling about popsicles.

- Sounds like Penny really got to him.
- I'm not surprised.

Despite his hard and crusty shell,
Howard is a very sensitive man.

Do you know he writes poetry?

Mostly about men from Nantucket
and hermits named Dave...

...but he does it with real sensitivity.

[LISPING]
Hey, Hofstadter.

Word around the plasma lab
is you built a robot?

- Yes, we did, Kripke.
- His name is Monte.

Well, if you have any delusions about
entering him against the Kripke Crippler...

...in the Southern California Robot Fighting
League Round Robin Invitational...

...AKA the SCRFLRRI...

...his name is gonna be Scrap Metal.

Come on. Is that really necessary?

Leonard, I believe it is.

This is trash talk.

Trash talk is a traditional component
in all sporting events.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Kripke...

...your robot is inferior
and it will be defeated by ours...

...because ours exceeds yours
in both design and execution.

Also, I'm given to understand
that your mother is overweight.

Oh, snap.

If that is a result of a glandular condition
and not gluttony...

...I withdraw that comment.

What difference does it make?
Fat is fat.

There are boundaries.

Tell you what, forget the SCRFLRRI.

- Let's settle this roboto a roboto.
- What do you mean?

There's no guarantee we're gonna go
against each other, so let's throw down.

You know, unless you're afraid.

We accept your challenge.
Name a time and place.

- Tomorrow, 3:00, the kinetics lab.
- Make it so.

No, don't make it so.

Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow.
Our engineer is incapacitated.

What's wrong with him?

He's depressed because he's pathetic
and creepy and can't get girls.

We're all pathetic and creepy
and can't get girls.

That's why we fight robots.

If you're not there,
you'll be exposed to ridicule.

I'm curious, what part of America
is that accent from?

- Hey.
- Hey, you got a minute?

Yeah, come on in. What's up?

- I need you to apologize to Howard...
- Get out.

Come on. Wolowitz won't come out of his
house and we need him for a robot battle.

Then have the robot go and get him.

- The robot didn't hurt his feelings.
- His feelings needed to be hurt.

He's been in bed for two days.

Yeah, probably with a blow-up doll.

He's not with a...

Does it really matter who
or what he's with?

The... The guy is devastated.

Oh, please.
How could I possibly devastate Howard?

Okay, don't take this as a criticism...

...but you do kind of have that
overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on.

What does that mean?

You know. Like, most of the time,
you're the easygoing Bruce Banner.

But then when you get angry,
you kind of turn into like, you know:

[GROWLS]

I turn into a bear?

Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner?

You didn't get The Incredible Hulk
from that?

Never mind.
Just... Please, just go talk to him.

Oh, and say what? That I didn't mean it?
Because I meant it.

Well, maybe you can go at it
from a different angle.

Like, you see a glimmer
of goodness in him...

...and you only said what you said because
you want to nurture it and make it shine.

Oh, pbbt!

Okay, let's try it this way.

Remember the day we first met...

...and you asked me to go to your
boyfriend's apartment to get your TV back?

And he was 9 feet tall
and he took my pants off and you said...

What was that? What did you s...?

Oh, yes. You said you owed me one.

Okay, come on, that's not fair.

I came home with no pants.

Fine. I'll go over there tomorrow.

Thank you.

I should probably give you
a heads up about his mother.

What about her?

She's a delightful woman.
You'll love her.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard,
there's a blond girl, Patsy, here to see you.

Who?

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Okay, now she's saying it's Penny.

I don't wanna talk to her.

- Hey.
- Ma.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
She ran past me.

Was I supposed to tackle her?

So I just came by
to see how you were doing.

I'm fine.

Good.

Your mom seems nice.

People move away from her on the bus.

What do you want?

Okay, look, Howard...

...I just want to apologize.

For some things that I have said.

About you.

I've been informed
that you have feelings...

...and apparently, I have hurt them.

So I'm sorry.

Howard.

Fine. You're sorry. Goodbye.

So you're okay?

Hey, I'm a big boy.

I'm not traumatized by some random
comment from some random woman.

I mean, get over yourself.

Okay. Well...

...bye.

[HOWARD SOBBING]

So close.

[CRASHING ON COMPUTER]

Oh, my God. That's Kripke's robot?

KRIPKE [ON COMPUTER]:
As you can see...

...the Crippler is reducing
the Chevy Cavalier to rubble.

I can't watch anymore.

- Sheldon, we have to call it off.
- We don't have that option.

We've accepted the challenge.
We can't run away from a fight.

Oh, please. We've spent our whole lives
running away from fights.

Personally, I can squeeze through
a hole in a fence half my size.

Well, impressive as that may be,
Monte is not us.

Monte has no fear.

Sheldon, did we all
not just watch the same video?

Kripke's robot just had angry sex
with a mid-sized automobile.

You are overlooking the fact
we know what we're up against.

And we can modify Monte
so that he's prepared.

You wanna prepare him?

Install a bladder and a pair of shorts
so he can wet himself.

How are we gonna make
any modifications without Wolowitz?

- Have you heard from Penny?
- Not yet.

Have faith, gentlemen.

We don't need Wolowitz.

Engineering is merely
the slow younger brother of physics.

Watch and learn.

Do either of you know
how to open the toolbox?

And then when I was 14...

...I met Marcy Grossman.

She was so beautiful.

She just got her braces off...

...but they left a little of the overbite.

It was so hot.

Like a sexy little chipmunk.

I didn't have the courage
to ask her out...

...but I dedicated a song to her
at the ninth-grade talent show.

Aw, that sounds sweet.

[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "MY GIRL"]
Marcy Grossman is sunshine

On a cloudy day

When it's cold outside

Marcy Grossman is the month of May

Oh, it's cute.

I guess you'd say

What can make me feel this way?

Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman
Marcy Grossman

Talkin' 'bout Marcy

That's great.

Grossman

Ha, it's fun.

And then she came up
with that sexy little chipmunk mouth...

...and spit in my hair.

Which brings us to 10th grade.

Howard, do you think
maybe sometimes...

...you try too hard?

[SCOFFS]

Look at me.

What chance do I have
if I don't try too hard?

Well, you have a terrific chance.

You're smart, you're funny,
you have a cool job.

- You build stuff that goes into outer space.
- I guess.

No, look, I've known you
for a year and a half...

...and this is the first time
I feel like I'm talking to a real person.

And you know what? I like him.

He's a nice guy.

You really think so?

Yes.

I don't know.

No, I do.

[CHUCKLES]

[HEARTBEAT POUNDING
IN SLOW MOTION]

Nice little bot you've got here.

I'm aware.

What's this do, spin?

Yep. At 3400 rpm.

It can cut through steel
like it was rubber.

Neat.

Good work.

Sheldon, we've gotta call this off.

No, Leonard.

For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have
made my life a series of painful noogies...

...and humiliating wedgies
and the insensitively named Indian burns.

- Well, that stops now.
- Sheldon, we don't have a chance.

The only improvement
you were able to make...

...was to put fresh batteries
in the remote.

What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers
from a fatal flaw:

Overconfidence from his robot's
massive size and its overwhelming power.

That's not overconfidence.
That's observation.

Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey
to my psychological warfare. Observe.

Kripke.

I would ask if your robot
is prepared to meet its maker...

...but as you are its maker,
clearly the two of you have met.

What is his problem?

Way to bust out
the Jedi mind tricks, dude.

I wanna make sure that
we're all clear.

Standard Robotic
Fighting League rules apply.

Are you crazy?

This is a street fight.

The street has no rules.

He's right, Leonard.
The paradigm is to the death.

I will, however, give you the opportunity
to concede my superiority now...

...and offer me your robot
as the spoils of war.

Never. I'd rather see Monte dead
than in your hands.

That could be easily arranged.

Ready, set, go?

- Do it.
- All right, then.

Ready, set, go.

- Come on, Sheldon, you got this.
- Indeed.

We are prepared for anything
he can throw at us.

That's new.

Run, Monte, run.

RAJESH: Run, Monte.
LEONARD: Go. Go, Monte, go.

- Run, Monte.
- Go, go, go.

Don't hurt us, don't hurt us,
don't hurt us.

Well, so much for making up
for the emotional wounds of childhood.

I did this.

Monte was killed
by my hubris and my pride.

No matter what anybody says,
this is my fault.

No one's arguing with you, dude.

I got your text. How bad is...? Oi.

Forget the robot. What happened to you?

- He slipped and fell.
- Yes.

I slipped and fell.

In the bathroom.

Bounced right off the tub.

Yes. Now he knows
what bathtubs are capable of doing...

...when you don't treat them
with respect.

Yeah.

They sucker-punch you
when your eyes are closed.

So, what do you think, Howard?

It... It's not that bad, right?

Yeah, no.
A little electrical tape, some solder...

Are you insane?

I've seen space probes that crashed into the
desert that were in better shape than this.

You're right.

Monte's gone.

We'll bury him in the morning.
A simple ceremony. I'll speak.

Leonard, you'll play your cello.

Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little
carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.

Just a toy robot?

Penny.

I know, I got it.

Sheldon? I'm sorry.

Well, don't get the wrong idea.

The way I see it,
I'm halfway to pity sex.

[English - US - SDH]