Original subtitles

Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror.

We are about to enter Atzel's fortress.

Now, this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check.

All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.

[BANGING NEARBY]

Sheldor is AFK.

Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?

Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.

You appear to have put your car key in the door lock. Are you aware of that?

Yeah.

All right, then.

PENNY: Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?

- I can't get the damn key out. - That's not surprising.

That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders...

...whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center-cylinder system.

Thank you, Sheldon.

You're welcome.

Point of inquiry: Why did you put your car key in the door lock?

I'll tell you why. Today I had an audition.

It took me two hours to get there. I waited an hour for my turn.

Before I could start, they told me I look too Midwest for the part.

Too Midwest. What the hell does that even mean?

The American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples...

- ...who have characteristic facial... - I know what it means.

God, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now.

I haven't gotten a single acting job. I've accomplished nothing.

Haven't gotten a raise at work. Haven't even had sex in six months.

And when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.

Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures.

They're almost pure protein.

Oh, son of a bitch.

The condensation on your frozen foods...

...weakened the structural integrity of the bag.

But returning to your key conundrum, you should call a locksmith.

- Have him open the door for you. - I did.

He said he'll get here when he gets here.

You're frustrated because he phrased his reply in a meaningless tautology?

No. I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything...

...and my breath smells like fly.

[CRYING]

There, there.

Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

No, I'd rather sit on this freezing floor, sobbing like a 3-year-old.

All right, then.

For God's sake.

Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.

Make yourself comfortable.

Not there.

[SCOFFS]

Sheldor is back online.

Sheldor?

The Conqueror.

What are you doing?

AFK.

I'm playing "Age of Conan," an online multiplayer game...

...set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian.

Oh.

Sheldor back online.

- What's AFK? - AFK.

Away from keyboard.

Oh, I see.

What does that stand for?

Oh, I see.

Yes, but what does it stand for?

And just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.

I don't know. Can I see them in another color?

Just click on them.

Now, congratulations, you are now a level-three warrior.

- What's going on? - Guess what? I'm a level-three warrior.

Do you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.

I only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.

Uh-huh. Do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?

- Doesn't matter, you're looking for treasure. - Okay.

- Wait, where are you going? - Go ahead. You're okay.

If you run into crocodiles, just kick them with your boots.

Wanna catch me up?

Well, uh, let's see. She attempted to open her apartment with her car key...

...because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh...

She hasn't had sex in six months.

And she ate a fly.

Uh-huh.

Seriously, six months?

Oh, my God, a treasure chest. I'm rich.

Level three and she thinks she's rich.

What a newb.

Okay, we're all set.

Let her rip.

- Hi. - Hey, check it out.

It's just corn starch and water.

They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid...

...but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.

That's what makes it get all funky.

Yeah, okay.

Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.

No, that's what she said, Sheldon.

Okay, I bought the game and I've been exploring the Island of Tortage.

I can't figure how to pass the guard.

- Do you have the enchanted sword? - I have a bronze dagger.

You can't slay the guard with a dagger.

Lord, it's like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

- How do I get the sword? - Have you been to the Temple of Mitra?

- Is that the place on the hill with the priest? - No, it's...

Oh, for God's sakes, give me.

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

You have to learn to do these things.

Don't patronize me. Just get the sword.

What the frak?

Beats me. They were playing all last night too.

It's like some kind of weird comic-book crossover.

Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.

I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.

No, that's Marcie.

Peppermint Patty's just athletic.

There you go, one enchanted sword.

All right, give me, give me. I wanna kill the guard captain.

That girl needs to get a life.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Sheldon.

- Sheldon. - Danger. Danger.

No danger, it's me, Penny.

Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?

- You're in my bedroom. - Yeah.

- Leonard gave me an emergency key. - People can't be in my bedroom.

- Can we go talk in the living room? - I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.

- Why not? - I spilled grape juice.

Well, wear different pajamas.

Can't wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas.

Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.

Just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?

You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?

By some guys in Budapest. I'm just not sure it's the right move for my character.

Of course it's not. You're only a level 25.

These Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.

Really? Boy, you'd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian Barbarians.

SHELDON: Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.

PENNY: Okay, well, you were great. Thanks.

Oh. Listen, don't go in Sheldon's room. He's not wearing bottoms.

[KNOCKING]

Sheldon, you wanna catch me up again?

People, I am very busy today.

I realize that, but it is your job as head of the department...

...to mediate all intra-departmental disputes.

University Policy Manual, Chapter 4, subsection 2:

"Mediation of Intra-departmental Disputes."

[SCOFFS]

Fine.

Dr. Winkle, what colorful name did you call Dr. Cooper this time?

Dr. Dumb-ass.

Dr. Cooper, Dr. Winkle apologizes.

- No, she doesn't. - No, I don't.

Here's the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204...

...and Dr. Winkle just ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.

It wasn't an official sign-up sheet. He printed it...

...and he put his name down on every slot for the next six months.

If it is a crime to ensure the university's resources...

...are not being squandered chasing subatomic wild geese...

...then I plead guilty.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, Penny.

- You need to get that, Dr. Cooper? - God, no.

Don't turn it off. You might miss your call from Nobel...

...letting you know you've been nominated as dumb-ass laureate of the year.

Oh, yeah, well, you wouldn't even be nominated.

I have a series of important multi-loop calculations and simulations to run.

She's reducing irrelevant data, making a mock...

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

Gablehauser.

It's for you.

Hello?

Penny, this is not a good time.

No, I told you, you're not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls.

You need to be in a group of at least five and one should be a level 35 healer.

No, I can't log on and help you.

We'll talk when I get home.

I'm not getting the computing time, am I?

Dumb-ass.

Leonard, you have to do something about Penny.

She is interfering with my sleep. She is interfering with my work.

If I had another significant aspect of my life...

...I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.

Why should I do something? You introduced her to online gaming.

Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in.

If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.

- Well, just tell her to leave you alone. - I did. I told her. I texted her.

I sent out a very emphatic Twitter.

I changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon wishes Penny would leave him alone."

I don't know what else to do.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

If you don't figure something out, I warn you...

...I shall become very difficult to live with.

You mean, up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?

- Yes. - I'll go talk to her.

No, Fritz, I need you on my flank.

No, I don't know German.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hey, Penny? - Busy.

Yeah, I see that. Shouldn't you be at work?

I don't work on Mondays.

It's Thursday.

- Listen, Penny... - Ugh. Queen Penelope AFK. What?

Okay. Uh...

Here's the thing.

Um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games.

They find themselves, through no fault of their own, you know, kind of addicted.

Yeah, get to the point. I'm about to level up here.

If a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life...

...it's easy to lose themselves in a world where a false sense of accomplishment...

Yeah, jabber, jabber, jabber. Okay, boys, Queen Penelope's back online.

Penny, you've got...

...Cheetos in your hair.

Oh, thanks.

Wow.

LEONARD: Hey, Penny, it's me again, Leonard.

PENNY: Leonard, I said, not now.

LEONARD: I'm just a little concerned about you and...

PENNY: I said, not now.

LEONARD: Okay, maybe later.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

- Hey, what's with him? - Penny's been keeping him up at night.

Me too.

But probably in a different way.

She's really hooked on "Age of Conan." She's playing non-stop.

Oh, yes, online gaming addiction.

There's nothing worse than having that multiplayer monkey on your back.

- Sheldon, wake up. - Danger, danger.

Afternoon, men. Sheldon.

Oh, yeah, well, your attempt at juvenilizing me...

...by excluding me from the set of adult males just... Oh, I'm too tired to do this.

Right. I heard you've been pulling all-nighters with Middle-Earth Barbie.

She comes into my room. No one's supposed to be in my room.

I would postulate she's escaping into the online world...

...to compensate for her sexual frustration.

I do that too.

But probably in a different way.

That's not what she's doing, Leslie.

She's trying to shore up her self-esteem. It has nothing to do with sex.

Everything has to do with sex.

Mm. Testify.

I'm not touching that.

- Leslie, you are way off base here. - Now, hang on, Leonard.

While I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist or a human being for that matter...

...we have to concede her undeniable expertise...

...in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.

Thank you.

My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.

Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.

I'll take the bullet.

- Excuse me, this whole idea's insane. - Enough debate. I'm going to take action.

Excuse me.

Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

- No. - Would you like to be?

Uh...

Sure, why not?

- Sheldon... - Yip, yip, yip.

Can I have your phone number?

Uh...

Yeah.

Yeah.

There, problem solved.

Dumb-ass.

Okay, I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients. I'm going in.

- Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies. - Got it.

I must say, you're playing very well for a woman of 23?

- Twenty-two. - Right, 22.

Here come the mummies. Which spell do I use? The hateful strike or the frenzy stance?

- What happened to your group? - Dumped them. They're a bunch of wussies.

Frenzy stance.

Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy.

So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation...

...as a wild adventure to unknown lands or staying at home with a good book?

- Wait, what? - These are market-research questions.

I'm filling out the online registration for your game.

Oh, okay, wild adventure.

Oh, frenzy stance isn't working.

- Die, you undead mummy, die! - Drink a healing potion.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Anyhow, on a scale of one to five...

...with one being, "always initiated by him" and five being, "always initiated by you"...

...how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?

That's on the registration?

Oh, yes, it's quite extensive.

If we complete it, you get a free expansion pack.

Seventy-five additional quests.

Oh, awesome. Okay, I totally like to initiate. I'm a big old five.

Good to know.

Big old five.

- Hello. - Hi.

Leonard, this is Tom.

Hi, Tom. Sheldon.

Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?

Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table.

Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

Chosen by science.

Well, what passes for science on dating sites.

They may claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.

You got Penny to sign up for online dating?

No, no, of course not. No, see, I used trickery and deceit.

This is bad.

Tom is a paramedic with the fire department.

He's going to med school.

Uh, he likes the outdoors and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.

Really, really bad.

I'm surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently, she's a big old five.

- Sheldon, what do you want? - Oh, good, you got my note.

Penny, I'd like you to meet Tom. Uh, Penny, this is Tom.

- Tom, may I present Penny. - Hi, Penny.

Hi, as long as I'm here, I'm on a quest with newbs, don't know what they're doing.

Got one assassin, three spell casters, no tank.

- Can we talk later? - No, I need you now.

Wouldn't you prefer to socialize with Tom...

...who is a sexually passive outdoorsman?

- Whatever, I'll figure it out myself. - Bye, Penny.

I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture.

They never do.

HOWARD: Hello, fair Penny.

PENNY: Who are you? HOWARD: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz.

Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing...

...followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?

PENNY: Yeah, sure, why not?

Oh, my God, I need help.

[English - US - SDH]