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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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KRYTEN: ♪ Happy Birthday to you

♪ Happy Birthday to you

♪ Happy Birthday, Mr Lister

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Today?

It's the big one, sir.

What, I'm thirty?

- (CHUCKLES) - Forty?

What am I doing? I don't want to know!

Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening.

La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING)

The years pass, but with them comes

the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity.

Now eat up because it's time for your present.

I don't need a present, Krytes. I've got everything I need.

Sir, you've got nothing.

No life, no partner, no future. You're so easy to shop for.

- (GROANS) - (CAT SCREAMING IN TUNE)

Hey bud, answer me this,

am I actually getting more good-looking?

'Cause, yesterday, I was looking at myself in the mirror

and the next thing you know, it's today.

Hey, are you even listening to me?

- (GASPING) Chest. Chest. - Huh?

You wanna play chess?

But we're missing half the pieces,

and even the pieces we've got, aren't all there.

And as for that horsey one. Where the hell are his legs?

Okay, what is wrong with you today? Why are you acting so crazy.

(THUD)

Mmm.

It's your birthday and you have a heart attack.

It could only happen to you. It's hilarious.

- You realize now, you'll have to retire. - Retire?

You'll have to take it easy, stop work.

You'll probably spend most of your days sitting in the sleeping quarters,

watching TV, having your meals delivered to you on a tray. No, wait.

You're really loving this, aren't you?

I will be in a minute when KRYTEN comes in and takes your temperature

with a rectal thermometer.

And as it's your birthday,

here's hoping he puts a candle on the end and asks you to blow it out.

Good news, sir.

Why, even more good news, what this time?

Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo.

Apparently, it was a severe indigestion attack.

I'm not sure what could have caused that.

So, can I leave after I've finished this?

Well. The MC says you're no longer a medical emergency,

but as a precaution, I'd like to insert a monitoring chip into your bloodstream.

- (BEEP) - (AIR HISSING)

What does it do exactly?

Why don't you ask it yourself.

- (BEEPING) - (WHIRRING)

CHIPPY: (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hello, Dave.

I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate.

I'm currently travelling through your body collecting medi-data.

Right now I 'm in your heart,

trying to get down one of your arteries.

(CHIPPY STRAINING)

A bit of a squeeze.

(CONTINUES STRAINING)

- That was tight. - Is everything okay?

Well, if I'm honest, I've been better,

my battery's not what it was.

I was talking about me.

Oh, I see.

Well, Dave, some of your arteries have more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop,

but diet and exercise can fix all that.

I can also monitor your improvement by giving you daily updates

of when you're likely to die.

Would you like to know that, Dave?

Yes, please, man.

You'll be 63, Dave.

Rimmer! I didn't want to know that!

Actually, I think I am getting chest pains now.

You are getting chest pains, Dave.

Yeah, it's the stress of listening to you telling me when I'm gonna die!

I'll run some tests.

I 'm sure there's no cause of... Oh, dear.

Oh, dear what?

- (BEEPING) - (WARNING ALARM SOUNDING)

CHIPPY: Dave, please remain calm,

but you have a giant arterial blockage in your left coronary artery.

The stress of hearing you're going to die has caused you to die.

Smegging hell. I'm gonna die.

Now, please call emergency services.

On second thoughts, best not waste their time.

As I'm afraid you're going to die right now, Dave.

Three, two, one.

- (CHIPPY EXPLODES) - (POWERING DOWN)

What the smeg happened there?

It appears Chippy mixed up your death with its own.

Why?

Request permission to carry out a full investigation, sir.

Permission granted.

It seems the corrupted files were caused

because Chippy was running off old software.

- How come? - For several years now,

the system updates

haven't been automatically installing.

Why didn't it show up on any of the consoles?

- A broken connection? - Or maybe, someone unplugged something

and used them for his heated curling tongs?

And there was a voice that said,

"Do not unplug, software updates will not be installed."

And this dude had to make a choice between his hair and the updates.

And he chose his hair.

Maybe?

- You did that? - You've been spying on me?

KRYTEN, get the updates installed.

Let's see what we've been missing out on.

(BEEPING)

(WHIRRING)

(MELODIC TUNE PLAYING)

M-Corp?

Your company has been bought by M-Corp.

You probably have a lot of questions.

Who is M-Corp? What do we do?

Let's find out together.

M-Corp is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known space.

We lead, we innovate using our patented M-Corp port technology.

Your ship will now be stocked with a variety of M-Corp products

to elevate your lifestyle in space.

M-Corp. We love looking after you.

Computers!

TVs.

Microwaves.

KRYTEN, give me a hand to take some of this stuff up to the Science Room.

Hey, look.

They even do lager!

Wow! Look at this.

6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged

- with hints of honey and citrus. - Hmm.

I'll put these bad boys in the fridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, it's empty. Where's the Leopard Lager?

They're in there. Can't you see 'em?

Erm, no!

No?

Are you blind?

What's this?

- What's what? - This.

Is this a wind up? You're not holding anything.

Well, if I'm not holding a can of beer,

no beer will come out when I shake it and pull the ring pull, right?

- Right. - (BOTH MIMICKING GROANS)

- Okay - (CAN OPENS)

(CHUCKLES)

Huh? Huh?

What the smeg is going on?

(SLURPING)

Tasty.

I can see M-Corp beer

but I can't see any other kinds of beer.

For instance, I can see this. But I can't see this.

With your permission, sir, I'd like to conduct some tests.

- Can you see this? - Yes.

And can you see this?

- No. - Extraordinary.

- Can you see this? - Yes.

- And finally, can you see this? - (VIBRATING)

No.

I'm just praying that's an electric toothbrush.

- It's much as I feared, sir. - What?

Something really weird is going on.

Well, obviously, KRYTEN, but what?

It appears the M-Corp upgrade

has installed some sort of perception filter software

and you're the only one affected.

We can fix this, right?

- I do have one small fear, sir. - What?

- Well, several small fears. - What?

In fact, more than several fears and they're not that small.

What?

For now, let's restrict it to the largest.

Which is what!

Due to the M-Corp perception software,

all non-M-Corp products will become invisible to you.

Right.

So what's the most important thing on board that's not M-Corp?

Well, can I be frank?

Of course, just get on with it.

The most important thing on board that's not M-Corp is me, sir.

Diva Droid International aren't owned by M-Corp.

M-Corp make droids, too?

Droids, space craft, light bees for holograms, you name it.

- That doesn't include me does it? - Well, I'm afraid it does, sir.

But you just said the most important thing on board

that was affected by this was you.

You said I could be frank, sir.

How on earth can you be more important than me?

(INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear him. I can't hear Rimmer.

And you're complaining?

(INAUDIBLE)

Wait, Cat, say something else.

(INAUDIBLE)

It appears the perception filter software's kicking in, sir.

And now I'm the only... (INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear you either now, KRYTEN. What do I do? How do I fix this?

Rimmer's become invisible.

(INAUDIBLE)

So has Cat.

I can't hear you, Krytes.

Skip the sirs, get straight to the point.

- (INAUDIBLE) - You think?

At some point in the future...

you'll become invisible, too.

You think I don't know that.

M-Corp. We love looking after you.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BEER CAN CRUSHES)

- (GUITAR STRUMS) - Oh, me guitar.

(POWER CHORD)

(TRIMMER WHIRRING)

(TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING)

(KNOCKING)

(METAL SLICING)

(CLICKS)

You stealing my food? Get the hell out of here.

No, I didn't mean that.

You can have the food. Just come back.

Cat?

RIMMER: Anything on M-Corp?

They bought Earth in the late 26th century.

Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?

They bought the entire planet, sir.

And everything on it. Including fixtures and fittings.

Oceans, countries, animals, houses, curtains, you name it.

They even bought all the stuff no one likes.

Maggots, quicksand, even the American chocolate.

Where'd they get the dough from?

M-Corp owned all the electricity and oil and gas and wind.

Even the rain water.

But the rain water belongs to Earth.

To everyone and everything on it.

My God, I've turned into a hippy.

And the Earth dudes just stood around and let this happen?

Well, by then, M-Corp had introduced a law to tax thinking.

A Think Tax?

You'd have got a rebate every year.

They monitored the electrical charges the brain consumed, firing neurons

and charged accordingly.

As the brain requires electrical charges to do practically anything,

blink, drink, think,

no one could afford the thinking time to fight back.

We've got to get rid of the M-Corp update

before it takes over Red Dwarf like it took over Earth.

But how? It's already starting to get rid of us by making us invisible.

If we can access the ship's mainframe,

we may be able to reboot Red Dwarf back to its factory settings.

- It sounds dangerous, I don't like it. - What happens to me?

You'll cease to exist, sir.

(CAT HUMS)

It's starting to grow on me.

I have a solution, though.

We take one of your backup drives, before the new software was loaded,

then reload you back onto the system when we reboot.

So, I'll have lost a month's memory, but no more.

Precisely.

He builds you up, then knocks you down.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

ANITER: Looking for more from life?

Then why not visit us at M-Corp

for a no strings attached, trial weekend,

served by your own artificial assistant.

Artificial assistant?

Maybe they can help me get the guys back.

Step into the teleporter,

and let us introduce you to our world.

(WHIRRING)

What's going on?

I look like a yoga instructor.

Welcome to M-Corp.

A pay-per-life, virtual integrated environment.

Most people who come, stay forever.

I just want to switch this perception filter off so I can see the guys again.

There are five life packages.

Platinum, Gold, Silver, Basic and Basic Lite.

With the credits available to you, Dave, you are eligible to purchase Basic Lite.

The worst one?

I'm on that life package already.

Basic Lite allows you to talk to five people,

up to a cap of 200 words per day.

And what? Then you've got to stop talking?

The average man speaks 7,000 words per day.

The average woman speaks 20,000.

So you may need to purchase more,

or alternatively,

you can wait until the following day

where you'll be eligible to begin speaking again.

You know that's mad.

And anyway, there's no one here. Who do I talk to?

You can purchase friends, Dave, ideally matched to your interests.

Meet Steve.

Hi, Dave, I'm Steve.

We're going to be really good mates.

Would you like to purchase Steve, Dave?

He's just three hundred dollar-pounds?

You know you want to.

No.

I don't want to buy Steve or any other hobbit for that matter.

But I'm a bargain.

I play drums. I drink real ale.

I love Zero-G,

and I'm really crap at computer games,

so you will always beat me.

It's a match made in heaven.

No.

Bummer.

Look, I'm not interested. just get your software off my ship,

'cause I want to go home.

At present you don't have enough credits to cancel your trial weekend, Dave,

but you could earn credits and then buy early release.

I found the master reboot box

in Captain Hollister's super secure, lead strong box.

It's ready to take your stand-in senior officer password.

And my replacement file's on standby?

Right here, sir.

Here we go.

It's gone clean out of my head.

I can't remember any passwords.

I don't even know the code to my Space Cadet lunch box.

Lets not panic, sir.

Perhaps you can answer the secret security question.

The one you chose when you set up the system.

Here's the question you set:

"Who did you share your first kiss with?"

I'll type this: "Uncle Frank".

KRYTEN, that was personal.

It was a special moment,

I had no wish to share it with the rest of world, if you don't mind.

You already told us this story.

The dude snuck into your bedroom because he thought you were your mama.

I was asleep, okay. Now if you don't mind, can I get on?

Is that what he said?

Sir, when you set the security question up,

why didn't you simply put in the name of your first love?

The questions are supposed to be obscure,

so it's hard for anyone to break in and get inside.

Unlike your kissing lips.

Ah. We did it.

Red Dwarf is about to reboot.

(POWERING DOWN)

(POWERING UP)

What happened? Where are we?

Sir, you've rebooted from your safety file.

You've missed the last month.

I did? What happened?

I beat you at poker this morning and you agreed to be my slave for a day.

The rest, he'll fill you in.

Come on, Mr Lister should be able to see us now.

There's no way I'm buying anything off you guys. Ever.

(YELPS)

Would you like to buy some pain pills, Dave?

No. (YELPS)

We can dock it directly from your account.

All right, fine. Quick.

(COIN CLINKS)

Water. I need a glass of water.

That will be 40 dollar-pounds, Dave.

For water?

For the glass.

The water is a further 400 dollar-pounds.

- I'll pay now. - (COIN CLINKS)

You caused that pain somehow, didn't you?

Well, that's it. I'm not buying anything else.

Whoa. Fire.

Where's the fire extinguisher?

If you're in need of a fire extinguisher, you're in luck,

because for a limited time only,

we're having a sale on fire extinguishers.

They're currently just 600 dollar-pounds.

No, I'm not buying one! I'm taking a stand...

- (FIRE INTENSIFIES) - Okay, I am buying one!

I'm not taking a stand.

For an additional payment would you like to purchase

insurance for your fire extinguisher, Dave?

Yeah. Fine. Just give me the smegging extinguisher!

(HISSING)

Is there anything else I can help you with?

You know what? There is actually.

You can go and take a flying...

(BEEPING) I'm afraid you've depleted

your word account for today, Dave.

(INAUDIBLE)

You'd like to buy more words?

How many words would you like to buy, Dave?

(INAUDIBLE) Seven thousand.

You've run out of credits, Dave.

So now, we remove time from your lifeline.

You charge in time?

Why do you charge in time?

Everything costs time, Dave.

It's the most valuable commodity in the universe.

I've got older again. Why?

That's the charge for my guidance, Dave.

As you've no longer got any credits,

I now charge you, in life.

Mr Lister, sir!

He's not here. Where the hell's he gone?

It looks like he used this teleporter.

We've got to track him down.

How? He could be anywhere.

Well, if I can repair Chippy's computer,

we might be able to re-establish contact

with the implant that's inside Mr Lister's body.

- And track that down? - Precisely.

All repaired.

I'm getting a signal but his lifeline is very weak.

We don't have much time.

Printing tele-coordinates now.

(BEEPING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Who are these people?

Excuse me, do you know a Dave Lister?

Dave? Sure, he's my friend.

ALL: We're all his friends.

So Lister bought all this stuff?

How? Where's he got the dough?

(EXCLAIMS) It's Mr Lister!

They've charged him in time. We've got to get him out of here.

He still can't see or hear us.

Let's get him to the teleporter.

Hey, what's going on? Why am I moving?

Welcome to M-Corp. A pay-per-life virtual integrated environment.

We don't want to buy anything from you.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

There's nothing I can sell you? How about a sound system?

- ALL: No! - I'd love one.

How about a lightweight, hydro mop steam cleaner?

ALL: No.

Okay. I'll have one of them, too.

Everyone wants to buy something.

We're never gonna get out of here.

Wait, I have it.

Excuse me, miss.

We'd like to buy a malicious virus that will shut you down

and allow us to escape.

Certainly. Thank you for shopping with M-Corp.

We hope to see you again soon.

(POWERING DOWN)

(DOOR OPENING)

Does that mean I don't get me hydro steamer?

Mr Lister?

He still can't see or hear us.

Let's get him back to Red Dwarf.

What's going on guys? Is this you?

This doesn't make sense.

We're no longer running the M-Corp software.

We've rebooted the ship. Why can't he see or hear us?

I still can't see or hear you.

So if this thing ain't in the ship, where is it?

Unless of course it's not the ship that contains the M-Corp software,

it's in Mr Lister.

The perception software didn't hack Red Dwarf It hacked Lister's brain.

So lemme get this straight.

Are you saying Dreadlock Dave's got some kind of virus in his head.

If so, how come I didn't catch it?

Perhaps it needs more than two bytes of RAM.

So what we gonna do?

To get rid of the virus, we have to treat Mr Lister's brain

in the same way we'd treat a corrupted computer.

We have to delete everything and reinstall new files.

Perhaps if I patch through to Chippy,

we can communicate with him on a different frequency.

Mr Lister, can you hear me?

KRYTEN?

Sir, we need to reinstall your personality.

It's the only way to rid your brain of this virus.

Where are we gonna get my personality from?

The JMC always backs up its crew's files

to enable it to resurrect any single crew member

back as a hologram.

According to the logs, sir, your last file save was when you were 23.

Are you saying, I'm going to lose everything I've learned

and go back to being 23?

That whole wealth of wisdom and knowledge and experience

will go down the flusher?

Don't worry bud, give us a few minutes, we'll fill you in.

Perhaps I can rebuild your full profile

based on CCTV recordings.

But it'll take at least a month to get you fully restored.

LISTER: ♪ To Ganymede and Titan Yes, sir, I've been around ♪

RIMMER: Lister, stop singing.

Yes, sir, Rimmer, sir.

(STARTS HUMMING)

- Lister, shut up! - I'm only humming.

Well, don't hum.

Oh, God, he's back.

Hey, Bugsy, top bunk!

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

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