Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

*

- JEEZ, THIS GUY IS HUGE.

PRETTY NEAT-O.

SUPER NEAT-O.

OH-- LOOK AT THESE MUNCHKINS.

HEY! OH, WHAT--OH, MY GOD!

OH, WAIT, WAIT-- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT IS IT?

HEY, IT'S A SPARKLE BEAR.

THE DANGEROUS SPARKLE BEAR! - AAH!

- ENOUGH WITH THE SPARKLE BEAR. STOP REVVING 'EM UP.

- GO PLAY OVER THERE SO I CAN TAKE SOME MORE PICTURES.

- WALKING FEET, WALKING FEET. BE CAREFUL.

- THAT'S GREAT. I WANT A NICE SHOT THERE.

- IS IT REALLY NECESSARY? DO WE NEED MORE PICTURES?

- WE NEED-- WE NEED A LOT MORE PICTURES.

THIS IS ADORABLE. COME ON, LIGHTEN UP.

- OKAY, OKAY. - DROVE ALL THIS WAY.

[creaking]

- OH, OH, NOT--

NO, NO, NO--DON'T DO THAT.

- OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S A LITTLE CRAZY.

STOP BEING SO CRAZY, GIRLS.

COME OVER HERE. PUT YOUR BUNS ON THE BUNYAN.

- BE CAREFUL, IT'S WET. DON'T GET WET.

- A LITTLE WET NEVER KILLED ANYBODY.

- COME ON, LOOSEN UP. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

AND, WAVE TO THE CAMERA.

SAY, "I LOVE FAMILY VACATION!"

both: I LOVE FAMILY VACATION!

[scraping]

[screaming]

- YOU KNOW-- - WHAT?

- OKAY, NO, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY--

- NO, COME ON. - WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE'S LYING TO YOU ABOUT.

THE ISSUE IS THAT HE'S EVEN LYING TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- I HAVE NO REASON TO DISTRUST MY FIANCE.

IF HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW

ABOUT HIS EMBARRASSING WEEKEND JOB,

THEN MAYBE HE JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HIRED

BY SOMEONE WE KNOW.

- JUST WAIT.

THREE MONTHS AFTER THE WEDDING, AND, BOOM,

YOU'LL FIND OUT ABOUT THE SECRET FAMILY,

THE OFFSHORE BANK ACCOUNTS,

THE DRUG CARTEL MURDER SYNDICATE.

- OOH. - OR AN AFFAIR.

PUTTING COMPLETE FAITH IN ANYONE IS JUST CRAZY.

- SOMETIMES FOR LOVE YOU JUST GOT TO GO A LITTLE CRAZY.

- YEAH, LIKE YOU'D KNOW CRAZY.

[cell phone rings]

- OH, MOM'S CALLING YOU. - SO WHAT?

- UH, HOW DO I GET THIS OFF? - THE ARROW.

- THIS ONE? - NOT THAT ONE.

- THAT ONE? - NO, THAT ONE IS FOR RADIO.

THAT ONE'S FOR CD. - THAT IS THE ONE THAT I--

- THAT ARROW!

- HI, MOM! - CARLA, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- YES, WE'RE FINE.

- WHAT DOES THE GAS METER SAY? - IT SAYS WE'RE FINE.

- WHERE'S MARLA? - OH, SHE'S HERE.

- IS MARLA THERE? SHE'S NOT TALKING.

I DON'T HEAR HER. - NO.

- YOU KNOW, YOU TWO NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR EACH OTHER.

- SHE SAYS HI.

- I JUST DON'T TRUST PLACES LIKE THAT.

NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER.

I WORRY ABOUT YOU TWO. - YES, OKAY.

- COULD JOHNNY FIND A BETTER JOB

THAN DRESSING UP AS A SILLY BIGFOOT MAN?

- MOM...

- TELL MARLA TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU, AND DON'T GET--

- WHAT? WHAT?

MOM?

MOM? MOM?

MOM?

- WELL, THANK YOU, SISTER.

- ACTUALLY, WE REALLY DID LOSE RECEPTION.

- THANK YOU, NATURE.

[laughs]

- YOU'RE LITTERING. - WHATEVER.

[gunshot]

- [sighs] JESUS CHRIST.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE LAWYERS, CHESTER.

- THE REAL SASQUATCH DOESN'T FOLLOW PROPERTY LINES,

SO WHY SHOULD I?

- I GOT HALF A DOZEN KIDS COMING HERE LATER;

YOU WANT TO SHOOT THEM TOO?

- JUST GIVE ME 20 MORE MINUTES, LOU.

THAT'S ALL I NEED. I'M ON TO A SCENT.

THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. THE BIG ONE. THE BONA FIDE.

- THE JUDGE SAID NO MATTER WHAT SCENT YOU DETECT,

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HUNT MYTHICAL CREATURES

ON THE GROUNDS OF A FAMILY VACATION DESTINATION, PERIOD.

- I'M NOT IN THIS HUNT FOR THE KILL, LOU.

I'M IN IT FOR THE VICTORY. THE BIG V. THE VIC.

- COME IN, AGATHA.

- WHAT'S UP, LOU? - CHESTER... AGAIN.

- LET ME TALK TO HIM.

CHESTER? CHESTER?

- WHAT?

- IT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUT TODAY.

DON'T MAKE ME DESTROY YOU.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

LIFE IS FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENTS. WHAT'S PAST IS PAST.

GET OVER IT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

MOTHER NATURE IS YOUR ONLY WOMAN NOW.

DON'T PISS ME OFF.

I WILL GET THE COPS INVOLVED AGAIN, MM-HMM.

GO HOME.

- A WOMAN ON THE RADIO IN THE GENTLE FOREST SILENCE.

IT'S LIKE DIARRHEA IN A KIDDIE POOL.

- THANK YOU.

- GROW A PAIR, LOU.

JUICE HER UP, CHIEF.

YOU ARE ALL MY BITCHES.

YOU'RE MY BITCH, YOU'RE MY BITCH...

YOU ARE MY BITCH.

- * HERE WE GO

*

* MAGNUM LOVE

*

* MAGNUM LOVE

* MAGNUM

* I LIKE BREAKING BEDS

* I LIKE FIERY RED HEADS

*

[guitar solo]

* MAGNUM LOVE

* I'LL GIVE YOU THE MAGNUM LOVE *

* MAGNUM, MAGNUM LOVE

- SAY, THANK YOU.

- HOUSTON, I HAVE A BONER.

- I WANT TO GET HER ON MY WATER BED

AND PART HER RED SEA LIKE MOSES.

- NICE.

- I JUST WANT TO POUND HER IN THE BUTT.

- THERE WE GO. - THAT'S WEIRD, MAN.

- ENJOYING THE SHOW, BOYS?

- SPEAKING OF RED SEAS.

- MY LENIENCY HAS LIMITS.

GO.

JOHNNY, HI. - HEY.

- SAY, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,

THERE WERE SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR START PAPERWORK.

- DID YOU WRITE THAT FORM? - NO.

- 'CAUSE THAT'S A REALLY CONFUSING FORM.

- YEAH--NO, I KNOW.

- NO, IT'S, LIKE, LITERALLY ANOTHER LANGUAGE AT SOME POINTS.

- I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU

MEET ME AT YOUR CAR TONIGHT AFTER YOUR SHIFT ENDS

AND WE'LL GO OVER IT TOGETHER, HMM?

- YOU WANT TO GO OVER PAPERWORK AT MY CAR?

- YEAH... MORE OR LESS.

IT'LL BE PAINLESS, I SWEAR.

- SO THIS IS WHERE THE AMERICAN DREAM DIED.

- OH, BE NICE.

- YOU KNOW WHY THIS PLACE HASN'T BEEN SUICIDE BOMBED YET?

BECAUSE IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS TO GET TO.

- LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE;

THIS IS OUR FIRST REAL FAMILY VACATION, YOU KNOW?

TAKE A LOOK AROUND, SEE THE SIGHTS.

SAY IT WITH ME...

WE LOVE...

COME ON.

WE LOVE FAMILY--

- IT'S NOT GONNA WORK. TRY AGAIN.

- MAYBE JOHNNY HAS SOME HOT GUY FRIENDS.

- HOT AND DUMB? - I KNOW YOUR TYPE.

- WELL, WE CAN ONLY HOPE.

MAYBE AFTER A COUPLE OF PARTY TREATS,

THIS PLACE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FUN.

- YOU KNOW, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING HERE WITH ME TONIGHT.

CAN YOU PROMISE ME YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET TOO TOASTY.

- NO PROMISES. [laughs]

- MARLA! - [laughs]

- MARLA, I'M SERIOUS! - COME ON, SLOWPOKE!

- OH, THERE HE IS.

WHATEVER SHE SAID TO YOU, NEW GUY, IT WAS A LIE.

DON'T BE FOOLED BY HER WOMANLY TRICKERY, YO.

SHE'LL SWEETHEART YOUR SOUL DRY.

- I TAKE IT YOU'VE LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE.

- ALL RIGHT, SKID MARKS, SIT DOWN.

FIRST OFF, SLAVKO WROTE A NEW ROUTINE.

- SON OF A BITCH! - OH, MY GOD!

- HOLY HUMMUS, LOU.

THAT'S, LIKE, THE FIFTH ONE THIS SEASON.

- IS IT AS MUCH A LITERARY MASTERPIECE AS THE LAST ONE?

- I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH TO DO FIVE DIFFERENT THINGS, LOU.

- FIVE DIFFERENT THINGS?

YOU DON'T EVEN DO ONE THING EVEN REMOTELY WELL.

ALL RIGHT, RON, YOU'RE FIRST UP.

DAN, YOU ROLE PLAY THE GUIDE.

- COME ON, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE ME THE GUIDE FOR GOOD,

SO I DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ANYMORE.

- THAT IS NOT MY CALL. THAT IS AGATHA'S CALL.

- I'LL BET IF YOU COULD PROMOTE ANYBODY,

YOU STILL WOULDN'T BE HERE.

- SHUT UP. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT, IN THIS SCENE,

BIGFOOT IS A RELUCTANT SPECIAL BUDDY.

GO.

- OH, HOW LUCKY WE ARE.

A REAL LIVE SASQUATCH. A FANTASY.

- "O-M-G, AGGS,

"WE, LETTER R,

TOTES HERE!!"

- DID YOU FORGET ABOUT SIGNAL ALREADY?

- IT SOMETIMES WORKS.

- [laughs]

WE BRING HAPPY AND MAGIC!

- WHO IS THIS GUY?

[patriotic music]

*

- GREAT FOOD-- YOU EAT IT!

[cow mooing]

YOU ARE A COWBOY!

[gunshot, line reeling]

YOU'RE FISHING MAN!

[slide whistle]

YOU ADVENTURE!

[panting]

YOU RELAX.

YEAH.

FROM GULF STREAM WATERS TO HERE,

UNCLE SLAVKO'S ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY LODGE

WAS MEANT FOR YOU AND ME.

EXPECT LIBERAL FUN AT CONSERVATIVE PRICES.

[laughs]

WE BRING HAPPY AND MAGIC

AND AMERICA TO YOU!

*

- "AND WE'LL SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROATS."

- HEY, EVERYBODY'S GOT TO MAKE A LIVING, OKAY?

[all screaming]

- AGGS!

- LOOK AT YOU FINE BITCHES. NOT FAIR.

YOU LOOK THE SAME AS YOU DID IN COLLEGE.

- YOU LOOK BETTER, GIRLIE. - WHAT?

- NOT FAIR. - NO, I DON'T...

- YES, YOU DO. - OKAY, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

PILATES, EVERY DAY, THEN I JUST--I DON'T EAT.

- OH, WELL-- - IT WORKS.

- JOHNNY IS GONNA BE SO SURPRISED TO SEE YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA MEET HIM AT HIS CAR,

WHICH IS PARKED IN THE EMPLOYEE PARKING LOT JUST UP THE HILL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER MET HIM UNTIL HE APPLIED TO OUR AD.

SMALL WORLD.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HOOKING THIS UP.

- OH, PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, CARLA BEAR.

OH, AND--HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU GUYS.

HERE IS YOUR WEEKEND PASS.

- AH!

ONE KEY.

DOES IT OPEN TWO ROOMS?

- I'M SORRY.

MY BOSS WOULD TOTALLY NOTICE IF ANOTHER KEY WENT MISSING.

BUT YOU DO HAVE A ROOM.

IT'S JUST IN HER ROOM.

- WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR

HER SNUG-A-PALOOZA,

SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE NIGHT OFF, CUT LOOSE LIKE WE USED TO,

HAVE SOME LAUGHS, ABUSE SOME POWER.

- I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THAT TIME.

I WISH I COULD. I WISH I COULD.

BUT UNTIL 2:00 A.M., I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AWAY,

BECAUSE HONESTLY, THIS PLACE WILL ALL JUST GO TO HELL.

- OHH.

- OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU, DID I? I'M SOBER NOW.

- CONGRATULATIONS! - THANK YOU.

- SPEAKING OF HELL, WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

- SINCE A REALLY MESSY, MESSY NIGHT A WEEK OR SO AGO.

I HAD TO LEARN THAT SUBSTANCES ALONE

WILL NOT GET YOU THROUGH HARD TIMES.

- AMEN.

- AND BIGFOOT DOES NOT LOOK SEXY IN THE MORNING, EVER--EVER.

MAKE HIM TAKE THE COSTUME OFF, SERIOUSLY.

- [clears throat]

I'M SORRY, MARLY.

BUT THERE IS SATELLITE TV IN YOUR ROOM.

- SATELLITE TV! - YAY! WE JUST UPGRADED.

- OH, YAY!

- MOVIE NIGHT. - YAY.

- TITANIC. - THANK YOU, AGGS.

- SURE. - THANKS.

- JADE...

FORGETTING SOMETHING?

- CHIPOTLE RANCH-APENO DIP?

- [sighs]

OUTFIT?

- THIS IS ALL I HAD TIME FOR.

LOOK, I AM SPREAD REAL THIN RIGHT NOW.

ARMANDO IS OFF SOMEWHERE,

AND THEY ARE OUT OF DOUGHNUTS AT THE SWIM-UP BAR AGAIN.

YOU WANT TO HELP ME OUT HERE?

- AND IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE DAILY DOUGHNUTS GO NUTS.

I AM SORRY. BUSINESS, BITCHES.

BACK ON THE CLOCK, GIRLS. I WILL SEE YOU LATER.

TA-TA, TA-TA.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DOUGHNUTS?

- YOU OWE ME SO BIG.

- I'LL GET YOUR LUGGAGE.

- DAMN, NATURE.

GROSS.

TURN MY DUMB TIME INTO FUN TIME.

AH, FUCK!

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SWAMPY.

IT'S STILL GOOD.

[grunting]

- BUT WHY CAN'T WE BE GOOD PALS, MAN APE?

- [groaning]

- LOU, I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.

- RON, THIS IS WHERE YOU ROAR.

[distant shouting]

LOUDER.

[distant shout]

BETTER. - THANKS.

[distant screaming]

- IS THAT FUCKING WES? THAT DRAMA QUEEN!

HE'S FINE. AM I THE ONLY PROFESSIONAL HERE?

- THAT'S WES, YO.

- HE'S NOT MOVING. - HOLY SHIT.

- OH, GOD. HE'S DEAD. - DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT.

- CALL IT IN, LOU! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CALL IT IN?

I'M NOT TAKING THE BLAME

WHEN YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY ALL IN POSSESSION.

I'M OUT OF HERE. - WAIT A SECOND.

DRUGS OR NOT, YOU'RE THE SUPERVISOR,

AND YOU LOST TRACK OF HIM, SO IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? - THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

- HE CAME OUT HERE ON HIS OWN... - WE'RE ALL WITNESSES HERE, LOU.

- WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY. - NO, NO--

IF YOU WOULD'VE DONE YOUR JOB,

NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE FUCKING HAPPENED!

- JUST CALL IT IN, MAN. - I'M NOT GONNA CALL IT IN.

I'M NOT TAKING THE BLAME FOR A BUNCH OF PUNK

WHINY-ASS LITTLE BITCHES.

- WHO YOU CALLING BITCH, MOTHERFUCKER?

- I'M CALLING YOU A BITCH. - YOU CALLING ME A BITCH?

- YEAH, YEAH. - I'LL BEAT THE FUCK OUT--

- TAKE IT EASY!

[voices overlapping]

- STOP IT! JESUS!

GET OFF!

[all grunting]

- TONIGHT ON THE BLACKCHELOR...

- BITCH, DON'T YOU COME AT ME LIKE THAT.

YOU DO NOT KNOW ME.

54TH AND CRENSHAW, BITCH, OKAY?

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

THE BITCH NEEDS TO GO HOME. AND THAT BITCH TOO.

SEND 'EM ALL HOME.

WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?

- DOES THIS HAVE TO BE ON?

- I NEED TO SEE IF THIS BITCH GOES HOME.

YOU COULD TAKE A WALK BY THE CREEK.

- UH, IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS TACKY.

STUPID SOBER AGATHA. I'M GOING TO THE BAR.

YOU DON'T NEED ME, RIGHT? I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU?

- YES, SISTER, AND AFTER THE WEDDING,

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME AGAIN.

- MM, I WILL DRINK TO THAT.

[indistinct chatter on television]

HAVE FUN WITH YOUR STUPID-ASS SHOW.

- NO, COME ON, MASTER P-DOG, SHE'S A SKANK SLUT!

- FELLAS, WHAT THE FUCK?

ARE WE ON BREAK?

JOHNNY, I'M DISAPPOINTED, FRANKLY.

YOU'RE GONNA FALL IN WITH THESE LAZY MOTHERFUCKERS?

REALLY?

WHY DON'T YOU GO TOKE UP WITH WES OVER THERE?

THE WAY HE'S GOING, HE'LL BE HERE THE REST OF HIS DAMN LIFE!

FUCKIN' LOSER. I'M SICK OF THIS SH--

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS?

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE...

- [burps] FUCK.

[patriotic music playing]

- ERNIE.

PHIL, NICE HAIRCUT. I LIKE THE DIGS.

MM.

[humming]

OH! - OH, PARDON ME, MA'AM.

- "MA'AM"? - UH, LITTLE LADY.

- TRY AGAIN.

- HOT MAMA.

- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

HEY, BARTENDER, GET ME ONE OF THE FOOFIEST DRINKS

YOU HAVE IN THE HOUSE,

AND ONE FOR WHATEVER THE SEXY BEAST HERE IS HAVING.

- OOH, LOOK AT-- LOOK AT THIS ONE.

SO TELL ME, WHAT'S--WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- SHAKINA.

- SHAKINA. LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

- WHAT'S YOURS? - THEY CALL ME BIG KAHUNA.

- BIG? - YEAH.

- OH, MY, BUT WHY?

- IT'S BECAUSE I'M BIG...

ON PARTYING DOWN, LITTLE LADY.

SO TELL ME, DO YOU LIKE TO, UH, TO PARTY?

- OH, IT DEPENDS ON WHO I'M WITH.

- WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I THINK--

I THINK WE SHOULD PARTY TOGETHER.

- AWESOME.

- I MAY JUST BE A LAID-BACK SURFER DUDE

FROM A TINY CALIFORNIA TOWN,

BUT I'VE GOT THE BOOGIE INSIDE ME...

- OKAY.

- AND IF YOU WANT TO ROCK AND ROLL THE GOOD OL' AMERICAN WAY,

JUST COME ON AND SUCCUMB TO THE KAHUNA.

- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO DUMB.

BUT I AM SO DESPERATE, SO...

[laughter]

- YO, BRANDI.

LET'S GO, BABY.

- SMILE.

- WE'VE GOT SHOWS AT 8:00 AND 10:30

WITH COMPLIMENTARY NONALCOHOLIC REFRESHMENTS.

BUT THAT PIC IS GONNA RUN YOU $9.99.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND MOTHER.

- KAHUNA? - UH, YEAH?

- NOT YET.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME BACK TO MY ROOM

AND SHOW ME HOW BIG YOUR KAHUNA IS?

[laughter]

- TRUTH--TRUTH BE TOLD, MA'AM,

LITTLE--LITTLE KA--

LITTLE KAHUNA DOESN'T PARTY TO THAT BOOGIE.

- WHAT ABOUT BIG KAHUNA?

- BIG KAHUNA IS GAY.

I'M GAY.

- MM.

- THANKS THOUGH.

CHEERS. BYE.

- FAREWELL. - 10:30.

- DID YOU STILL WANT YOUR SOUVENIR PHOTO?

IT COMES WITH A DECORATIVE FRAME.

- YES, DAMN IT. - THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, MY GOD.

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A SIGN.

- [laughs]

[Spanish accent] AS FALL WITHERS THAT WHICH WAS ONCE BEAUTIFUL,

THE CLEANSING SNOW RENEWS THE EARTH

FOR THE FLOWERS TO BLOOM ONCE AGAIN.

SO MUST THE ARTIST FOLLOW DESTRUCTION

WITH INSPIRED CREATION.

- LEATHER JACKET, BROWN EYES, POETRY...

YOU GONNA TRY TO SELL ME SOMETHING TOO?

- LIKE A BAD FAKE NAME?

- MM, OH, GOT ME THERE.

MARLA.

- ARMANDO.

- PLEASURE.

SO TELL ME, ARMANDO,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT BASTARDIZING HISTORICAL

AND CULTURAL FIGURES OF NATIONAL PROMINENCE,

WHAT DO YOU DO AROUND HERE FOR FUN?

- WE TAKE MEXICAN SAUSAGE

AND FEED IT TO THE WILD COUGARS.

- [laughs]

- AH, THAT SMILE.

THAT SMILE IS WORTH 10,000 SPILLED FLAMINGO FANTASIAS.

TELL ME, ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND?

- NO.

SISTER.

- UH-HUH. - SAD, PATHETIC SISTER.

- HMM.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT TONIGHT.

TONIGHT, I AM LIVING MY OWN LIFE.

LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCO SOLO, FO-SHO.

- [laughs]

THAT'S FASCINATING, YES. - MM-HMM.

- TELL ME... - HMM?

- JUST HOW LOCO DO YOU PLAN ON GETTING TONIGHT?

- UH...

MUY.

- [laughs]

MA'AM, SALUD.

- SALUD.

[groaning]

- NOW, BIGFOOT IS A LARGE MAN APE,

BUT HE IS SMALL IN THE WOOD, LIKE ACORN.

IN FACT, IT'S VERY RARE THAT ANYONE WILL--

OH, HELLO, BIGFOOT.

[laughs]

A LITTLE EARLY, RON.

OH, HOW LUCKY WE ARE.

A LIVE SASQUATCH. A FANTASY!

GET IT TOGETHER, RON.

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, MAN?

- COME ON, KIDS. LET'S GO.

WE'LL COME BACK WHEN THEY'VE ACTUALLY REHEARSED.

- WE'RE LOSING THEM.

GET OFF ME, RON!

THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING AGATHA.

ALL YOUR JOBS ARE TOAST!

- [groans]

- THAT'S FOR BREAKING CHARACTER.

- [groans]

- AND THAT'S FOR STEPPING ON MY SHOES.

- [groans]

- AND THAT'S FOR THE WORST TOUR EVER!

I WORK FOR TIPS, ASSHOLE!

- AHH!

- [grunting]

- [screaming]

[screaming continues]

- [speaking in Spanish]

- OH, HELLO, HELLO.

- [speaking in Spanish]

POR AQUI. - AQUI.

- UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

- LET'S DO THIS, SERIOUSLY. - LET US DO THIS, PLEASE.

- WHOO!

- SURPRISE, JOHNNY.

SO YOU NEVER FOUND OUT THAT AGATHA AND I

WENT TO COLLEGE TOGETHER, HUH?

- [grunting]

- BABY, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS JOB,

BUT I DON'T THINK LESS OF YOU.

IN FACT, I'M PROUD OF YOU,

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR OUR FUTURE.

BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO TAKE OFF THE MONKEY SUIT.

- [panting]

[grunts]

JOHNNY?

JOHNNY, ARE YOU OKAY?

[screaming]

[grunting, screaming]

[glass breaks]

- [laughs]

WHOO!

GETTING A LITTLE ROWDY THERE, HUH, PARTNER?

- WELL, IF YOU COULD STRETCH LIKE A BRAZILIAN,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO.

- I'M AMERICAN.

- LISTEN, OKAY;

I KNOW THE LAYOUT OF THIS ROOM PRETTY WELL, OKAY?

WORK WITH ME, CHICA.

- "CHICA"? - MM-HMM.

- EW. - WHAT?

- DID YOU JUST PLAY ME?

- UM, HONESTLY, I JUST KIND OF WAITED UNTIL I COULD WIN.

- OH, OH, DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?

SOMEBODY RANG THE ASSHOLE BELL.

YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL RICO SUAVE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT, YOU LOTHARIO.

YEAH, I SAID IT-- LOTHARIO.

AND YOU THINK THIS WHOLE PLACE

IS JUST YOUR PERSONAL HUNTING GROUND,

AND ITS CUSTOMERS YOUR PREY?

- YEAH.

- [panting]

[screams]

[groans]

[all panting]

- [screams]

- [screams]

[panting]

[all panting]

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH, PUT YOUR HANDS UP SO WE CAN PARTY DOWN!

HEY!

HELLO, LADIES!

[dance music playing in distance]

*

WE'RE SO HAPPY ALL YOU SMILING FAMILIES

CAN JOIN US HERE TONIGHT!

[dart wisps through air]

IN FACT, THE BOSS MAN HIMSELF,

UNCLE SLAVKO AND HIS WIFE MARIANNA THANK YOU.

- WELCOME TO UNCLE SLAVKO'S ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY INN.

HAVE A GREAT TIME, HUH?

- BEHOLD,

THE MODERN MAN,

TOO HIP TO SEDUCE UNIRONICALLY,

AND PROBABLY A SISSY PANTS.

- OKAY, THIS IMMEDIATELY HAS BECOME

MUCH MORE HASSLE THAN WHAT IT'S WORTH.

CLEARLY YOU CAN'T HANDLE YOUR LIQUOR.

YOU'RE JUST SCREAMING "DESPERATE."

AND YOU'RE KIND OF A BITCH.

THERE'S A SAYING WHERE I COME FROM:

DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY.

- [laughs]

- BUT LET'S--LET'S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL, OKAY?

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR STAY HERE

AT UNCLE SLAVKO'S ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY LODGE.

DON'T FORGET TO PAY YOUR TAB.

- YEAH, WALK AWAY FROM WHAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE.

MACHO.

NACHO.

[cheers and applause]

- * WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE A VICTORY *

* WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

[music stops]

[all screaming]

- [screams]

- PLEASE, PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU KNOW THERE ARE NO REFUNDS!

- SLAVKO, DID YOU WRITE A NEW SCENE?

- NO, I DID NOT WRITE A NEW SCENE.

AGATHA!

[car door slams, tires squealing]

- BRANDI!

[screaming]

- GO, GO, GO!

[all grunting]

- [screaming]

- A LITTLE HELP HERE!

- [all groaning]

- [screams]

- [sniffs]

- WAIT! WAIT!

WE HAVE VOUCHERS!

[yelling indistinctly]

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

[sighs] YOU!

YOU CAN JUST CLEAR OUT YOUR LOCKER RIGHT NOW--

[screaming]

[cries] GIVE IT BACK!

[screaming]

- ARE YOU REAL?

EW.

OH, GROSS.

YOU GUYS ARE NASTY.

OH--SERIOUSLY? THAT'S THE SECOND TIME TONIGHT.

GET OFF ME, YOU PERV!

[grunts]

DRINK THIS, ASSHOLE!

- [gulping]

- [sighs]

THIS PLACE IS RIDICULOUS!

SLAVKO!

SLAVKO...

- YEAH. - RIGHT--

A, YOUR BARTENDER IS A SISSY PANTS,

AND, TWO, ONE OF YOUR MONKEY MEN JUST ASSAULTED ME,

AND I AM GOING TO SUE YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE AGATHA THE NIGHT OFF.

- AGATHA IS...

DONE FOR THE NIGHT.

- WHY DO YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT?

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- THE BIGFOOT KIDS-- THEY CRASHED OUR SHOW.

CRYSTAL'S DEAD.

- WHO? - CRYSTAL!

- AND AGATHA TOO, PROBABLY. - WHAT?

- IT'S LIKE, THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

- OH, MY GOD, CARLA.

WHERE--WAIT-- WHERE'S MY SISTER?

DOES ANYONE KNOW MY SISTER CARLA?

SHE WENT TO GO SEE HER BOYFRIEND JOHNNY.

WHERE'S JOHNNY?

I SCREWED UP. OH, I SCREWED UP BIG.

I SHOULDN'T--OH-- - NO, NO, NO, NO--

- MY SISTER'S OUT THERE!

- LOOK, YOU LITTLE DRUNK... VALUED CUSTOMER...

OKAY, IT SUCKS THAT YOUR SISTER'S OUT THERE,

BUT IF YOU OPEN THAT DOOR,

YOU DESTROY ANY SAFETY THAT WE GOT.

- SHE NEEDS ME. - NOT DEAD.

- VALUED CUSTOMER, I INSIST THAT YOU SIT AND SIGN RELEASE FORM!

- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A DEEP BREATH,

SIT DOWN, AND WAIT IT OUT.

STOP.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND IN THE PANTRY,

RICKY RETARD-O?

LET ME SIGN THAT RELEASE FORM FOR YA.

- HEY!

- WHO'S IN THE PANTRY?

- [humming dance beat]

- DOC?

- [continues humming]

[knocks on door]

DOC!

- OH, HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON?

- I'M GUESSING NOT.

[panting, whacking]

- [gasps]

- OH, YOU'RE UP.

- WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M CHESTER.

- OH, MY GOD.

JOHNNY--

- UH, CHESTER.

- MY FIANCE, JOHNNY-- - VENISON?

- NO, THANK YOU.

- OH.

- HOW DID I EVEN GET HERE?

- WELL, I COULDN'T LEAVE YOU RUNNING AROUND

IN THE DARK LIKE THAT,

SO I SHOT YOU.

UH, SORRY.

- THANK YOU...

I GUESS.

- IT WAS THE BEST WAY TO KEEP YOU SAFE.

- SO YOU SAW THEM?

- THE BIGFOOT KIDS? ABSOLUTELY.

I PICKED UP THEIR TRAIL JUST OUTSIDE SLAVKO'S PROPERTY.

I DIDN'T SEE WHERE THEY CAME FROM,

BUT THEY'RE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE LODGE.

- [gasps]

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM, DO YOU?

- NO.

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S REALLY BAD.

- ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY--OH, WHOA.

REALLY?

REALLY.

- EXCUSE ME, SHAKINA. - WHAT?

- BOSS' ORDERS. - HUH?

WAIT, DID YOU--WHOA. - WATCH IT.

- WHOA, WHERE--YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S NECESSARY?

- YOU KNOW, THE FACT YOU DON'T WORRIES ME.

LET'S GO.

- DAMN IT!

- HERE. - [sighs]

- YOUR SISTER-- WHERE WAS SHE?

- SHE WAS GONNA GO FIND HER BOYFRIEND

BY HIS CAR IN THE EMPLOYEE LOT.

- [inhales]

HMM. COME WITH ME.

THIS WINDOW IS HIGH AND SAFE.

IF YOUR SISTER COMES BACK, SHE'LL PASS BY HERE.

- REALLY?

THAT'S CRAZY HELPFUL. THANKS.

SO...

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS PLACE?

I TAKE IT YOUR HUSBAND'S NOT A LOCAL.

- MM-MM.

CAME OUT HERE YEARS AGO, FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.

- HMM.

- NOBODY IN THIS TOWN THOUGHT THIS PLACE WOULD SURVIVE.

BUT HE REALLY PUT ALL HE HAD INTO IT.

I KNOW THE EMPLOYEES TREAT IT LIKE TORTURE,

BUT TO SLAVKO, IT REALLY IS A LITTLE SLICE OF HEAVEN.

- SOUNDS LIKE THE AMERICAN DREAM IN ACTION.

HAPPINESS, PROSPERITY, FREEDOM.

- DREAMS OF FREEDOM.

[electricity crackling]

- [screaming]

[sizzling]

[telephone rings]

- 911. STATE YOUR EMERGENCY.

- IS SLAVKO OVER AT UNCLE SLAVKO'S ALL AMERICAN FAMILY--

- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY, RUSSKI?

- NOT FROM RUSSIA--CROATIA.

- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY, COMRADE?

- I HAVE EMPLOYEES, AND, UH...

THEY ARE FIGHTING.

- A PUBLIC DISTURBANCE AT YOUR PLACE AGAIN?

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?

ANOTHER VODKA-DRENCHED WEDDING RECEPTION?

- NO, NO, NO.

IT IS AN UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE--

- AH, WE'LL SEND THE USUAL CRUISER.

OH, AND THANKS AGAIN FOR OPENING

THAT GODFORSAKEN PIECE-OF-SHIT TOURIST TRAP

IN THIS OTHERWISE RESPECTABLE TOWN.

PRAY SOMEONE ANSWERS A LINE

THE DAY THAT PLACE BURNS DOWN, YANKO.

- JUST AS THINGS ARE GETTING GOOD,

SHE TELLS ME SHE'S 17.

I SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, I KNOW THE SHERIFF."

- DISPATCH, CALLING CAR 17.

- GO AHEAD, PATTY.

- SLAVKO'S GOT ANOTHER RUCKUS ON HIS HANDS.

- OF COURSE HE DOES.

[sighs]

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. - THANKS.

- SEE YOU IN THE MORNING. - GOOD LUCK, GUYS.

[engine turns over]

[siren wails]

- HI--

[groans, whimpers]

- MAKE ONE GRUNT, AND YOU'RE JERKY.

- HEY, DUDE, SIR, PLEASE--

I'M SORT OF DOING THAT WHOLE, "GOT LOST,

TAKING A SHORTCUT HOME" THING RIGHT NOW.

CAN I PLEASE USE YOUR PHONE, PLEASE?

- I HEAR YOU BIGFOOT BOYS ARE RAMBUNCTIOUS TONIGHT.

- FROM WHO, THE TALKING WOODLAND CREATURES?

- FROM ME.

- OH.

EW, GROSS.

- IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

- WHATEVER. IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I'M CARLA. THIS IS CHESTER.

- I LIVE HERE. - HI.

I'M DAN. CAN I COME UP NOW?

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FRIENDS ARE UP TO?

- YEAH, MY FRIENDS ARE BIGGER DUMBASSES THAN USUAL

AFTER THEY ALL FELL IN THE POND.

- YOU SAW THEM?

YEAH.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

OH, YEAH, YOU TOO, WES?

ALL RIGHT, YOU DICK.

YEAH?

ANYTIME YOU GUYS WANT TO TAKE THIS JOB SERIOUSLY,

YOU GIVE ME A CALL.

SO I'M GOING HOME, BUT GET THIS--

HOLD ON, IS THAT JERKY?

- WELL, APPARENTLY THEY'RE WORSE THAN THAT NOW.

HER FIANCE NEARLY KILLED HER.

- HE WASN'T GOING TO STOP AT SCRATCHES.

- SO CALL THE COPS AFTER I CALL MY MOM--I MEAN, MY RIDE.

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY COME WITH ME.

I HAVE A WATERBED.

A VERY SAFE WATERBED.

- KID, I'M AN ANGRY OLD MAN

WHO LIVES IN A SHACK IN THE WOODS.

I DO NOT HAVE A PHONE.

- WHAT ELSE IS AROUND?

NOTHING AND NOBODY.

- AND IF DAN CAN FIND US HERE,

THEN WHAT WOULD STOP THEM FROM FINDING US HERE TOO?

- YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

IMPORTANT PEOPLE ARE GONNA NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- I'M SURE THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

- NO, THEY WON'T.

WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE LODGE.

- OKAY, HAVE FUN.

- OH, YOU'RE COMING WITH US. - UH, PASS.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE ABOUT OR LOVE ANYBODY THERE.

- ETERNAL GRATITUDE.

- YOU'RE NOT AS PRETTY AS YOU THINK.

- DAN...

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE HERE ALONE, DO YOU?

- NO.

GUARANTEE MY SAFETY.

- NO.

- GUARANTEE ME A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

DON'T MAKE OUT WHILE I'M GONE.

- I KNOW A WAY BACK.

STAY QUIET AND CLOSE, AND WE'LL MAKE IT.

- WHAT ABOUT THE BIGFOOT GUYS?

[gun clicks]

- I'VE TAKEN OUT LARGER GAME THAN AN ANGRY BOYFRIEND.

- THINK MAYBE IT'S RABIES?

- MAYBE IT'S SATAN.

- OH, MAYBE IT IS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD BURN THE PLACE DOWN IN HIS HONOR.

- DON'T YOU DARE!

- HEY, HOW DID THAT GIRL GET RID OF RON?

- UH, SHE GOT HIM DRUNK, I THINK.

- WELL, LET'S DO THAT TO THE REST OF 'EM.

- YEAH, LET'S DO THAT.

LET'S GO MAKE A BIG BARREL OF LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS,

AND YOU CAN JUST HAND 'EM STRAWS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE YOU COULD BRING YOUR OWN IDEAS TO THE PARTY

INSTEAD OF JUST CRITICIZING EVERYBODY ELSE'S.

- OKAY, I HAVE AN IDEA:

IT'S TO SIT HERE QUIETLY UNTIL THE COPS COME AND DO THEIR JOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS? IT'S EASY.

- AND IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN WALK AWAY

FROM ANYTHING THAT'S TOO DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.

[siren wails]

- THE BOYS IN BLUE!

- WELL, THIS IS NEW.

TYING ONE ON TONIGHT, EH, KID?

- ALL RIGHT, UP AGAINST THE TRUCK.

- [grunts] - HEY!

[spraying]

- [screaming]

[distant screaming]

- OH, MY GOD, IT'S THEM!

- IT'S A GOD DAMN TWEAKER PARTY.

- [retching]

- [screaming] - HEY!

[gunshots]

- [groaning]

[gunshots]

- [screaming]

I CAN'T SEE!

[screaming, crying]

- OH, FUCK.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- THEY'RE COMING. OPEN THE DOORS!

- NO--NO, NOT YET.

- [grunts]

- GOD DAMN SWAMP--OH!

- [screaming]

[screaming, grunting]

- OH, MY GOD.

I'M GONNA DIE HERE

IN THIS CRAZY PLACE WITH ALL THESE WEIRD PEOPLE,

AND MY ONLY SISTER LOST IN THE--

- MARIANNA, YOU STUPID HOT CRAZY BITCH.

- I'M WILLING TO BED YOU KNOW HER.

- MARLA...

- DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT?

- I'D LIKE TO THINK I KNOW MY SISTER PRETTY WELL.

- WHAT DID SHE SAY?

- THE FRONT DOOR IS ALL LOCKED UP,

AND SHE WANTS US TO GO UP THE STAIRS TO THE SIDE DOOR.

- THE ONE THAT'S ALL BOARDED UP. HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY DON'T WE CHECK OUT THE CREEPY NOISE

IN THE BASEMENT? - SHH.

- DON'T YOU SHUSH ME. I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- TIME TO SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT.

- GUYS, COME ON. MY MOM'S, LIKE, SO CLOSE.

[sighs]

- HEY. HEY! - HEY YOURSELF.

- WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

- MY SISTER'S OUT THERE WITH SOME PEOPLE.

WE NEED TO LET THEM IN, SO HELP ME, DAMN IT.

- HELP YOU? GET US ALL KILLED? NO.

MARLA--MARLA, THAT STAIRCASE IS TOO HIGH PROFILE.

COME ON, WE CAN LET 'EM IN THE BACK.

- THERE'S NO TIME. - THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.

WE DON'T WANT TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOU.

- FINE, FINE.

CALL IT. - WHAT?

- CALL IT. - HEADS.

NO, NO, NO-- TAILS, TAILS, TAILS!

[groaning]

- [grunting] - JESUS!

[electrical crackling]

- [grunting]

[rattling]

- HEY, HEY, HEY. TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY.

[gunshot]

- CARLA, COME ON!

- THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?

LOOKING FOR EXTRA MONEY?

THIS IS MY LIFE!

WHAT THE FUCK?

- IT'S STUCK. HOLD ON.

- SHIT!

- [screaming]

- OH, SHIT! OH!

[grunting]

[screaming]

- [squeals]

- HI-FUCKIN'-YA!

BALLS.

UH, NEVER MIND.

- DAN! - DAN, GET IN!

- GET IN, GET IN, GET IN. - CLOSE IT, CLOSE IT.

- [grunts]

- GO, GO.

[distant growling]

- IT'S OKAY.

HOW DID YOU GET BACK?

- THIS IS CHESTER.

HE SAVED MY LIFE.

HE KNEW ABOUT THIS BACK TRAIL,

BUT HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR US?

- THIS LADY.

SHE REALLY KNOWS HER WINDOWS.

- I GOT MORE BAD NEWS.

JIM LANDED ON THE SATELLITE. WE GOT NO PHONES.

- WHAT? NO PHONES!

NO PHONES AT ALL?

- [humming dance beat]

EVERYONE ALL RIGHT?

WELL, IF WE'RE SAFE FOR A MOMENT,

I'VE GOT SOME STUFF YOU ALL SHOULD HEAR.

SO...

PIE IN FIVE?

[humming dance beat]

- IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THAT?

- THEY GOT AGGS. - AGGS?

- SO THAT MEANS WE CAN'T RELY ON ANYBODY BUT EACH OTHER.

SO IF, GOD FORBID, WE GET SEPARATED AGAIN,

I NEED YOU TO FIGHT AND KICK AND SCREAM

UNTIL I COME AND GET YOU, OKAY?

- SHIRAZ.

- DID YOU JUST SAY "SURE AS"?

- NO, SHIRAZ. SHE'S ON THE BLACKCHELOR.

SHE KEEPS IT ONE HUNDY, AND CALLS THE OTHER GIRLS OUT

FOR NOT BEING IN THE HOUSE FOR MASTER P-DOG.

- WHAT?

- SHE'S THE H.B.I.C.

HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE.

- RIGHT, THAT.

OKAY, YEAH.

- WORD.

- WAIT, ARE WE ON THE SAME PAGE?

- WELL, ALL RIGHT.

THANKS FOR COMING. HOW'S THE PIE?

LET'S DO THIS.

THE REASON FOR THE BOYS' PHYSICAL

AND NEUROLOGICAL MUTATIONS

IS A SUPER COCKTAIL OF HAZARDOUS WASTE

THAT IS ALTERING THEIR VERY DNA.

YOU KNOW, I FOUND TRACES OF MEDICAL WASTE,

IN ADDITION TO MILITARY WASTE, PHARMACEUTICAL WASTE,

HEAVY METALS, ACIDS, PESTICIDES,

AND SOME SORT OF BACTERIA THAT ACTUALLY THRIVES IN PESTICIDES.

IT'S GIVING THEM, LIKE, PLUS-25 STRENGTH AND ENDURANCE.

THEY HAVE SENSITIVE BEAST-LIKE HEARING AND SMELL,

YET THEIR TOUCH AND TASTE HAS DIMINISHED.

VISUAL INTERPRETATION IS STAGGERED,

WHICH MEANS THEY FIND IT EASIER TO TRACK A MOVING TARGET

THAN A STILL ONE.

- LIKE JURASSIC PARK.

- THE--HMM.

THEIR ATTENTION SPANS ARE LOW.

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND, IT SEEMS.

ALSO THEY'RE NOW EATING HUMAN FLESH.

[all groan]

- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

- ONE EXPLANATION IS THAT

THERE'S A HAZARDOUS WASTE DUMPING GROUND UP AT THE SWAMP.

- WHY, I AM VERY UPSET!

WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

THAT IS MY PROPERTY, AND I WILL--

I WILL FIND OUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE

FOR WHATEVER ALL THAT HAPPENS OR--OR TURNS OUT TO BE.

- HOW DO WE TAKE THEM DOWN?

- MASSIVE BODY AND HEAD TRAUMA.

BUT I'D LIKE TO AVOID THAT.

- ARE THERE ANY WEAKNESSES WE CAN EXPLOIT?

- WELL, KIND OF.

THE OOZE IS OVERLOADING THEIR CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEMS

AT AN ALARMING EXPONENTIAL PACE.

- EXPONENTIAL?

- INDEED, BRANDI.

IN ADDITION TO THEIR PHYSICAL MUTATIONS,

THE BOYS ARE ONLY GOING TO GET MEANER AND FASTER, QUICKER,

UNTIL, UH, YEAH, THEIR BRAINS BLOW UP.

- [gasps] - AWESOME.

- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT WEAKNESS. - HOW LONG UNTIL THAT HAPPENS?

- UH, HOURS-- LESS THAN 12, BUT MORE THAN 5.

- CAN WE HELP THEM? HEAL THEM?

- THAT, I DON'T KNOW YET.

RON'S BLOOD IS TOO SATURATED IN ALCOHOL

TO GET A VALID BREAKDOWN OF WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.

- MY BAD. - MM-HMM.

HOWEVER, IF WE HAD A PURE SAMPLE OF THE OOZE FROM THE SOURCE,

I COULD ANALYZE IT

AND FIND THE IDENTITY OF THE UNKNOWN SEVENTH TOXIN,

THEN I COULD SYNTHESIZE A SIMPLE BREAKDOWN COMPOUND.

- YOU CAN DO THAT HERE?

- INDEED.

- UH, HI.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT;

SO OUR OPTIONS ARE TO EITHER RISK OUR LIVES

FOR A SOLUTION WHICH MAY NOT WORK

AND INCLUDES RUNNING IN THE DARK WOODS

WITH MONSTERS,

OR WE CAN JUST SIMPLY WAIT IT OUT HERE

TILL THE THREAT JUST DISAPPEARS?

- WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE BAD PRESS.

WE ALREADY HAVE DEAD POLICE IN DRIVEWAY.

IF THEY CAN BE MADE TO BE NORMAL,

THEY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR TONIGHT, AS THEY SHOULD.

- I MEAN, REALLY?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MONSTERS HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO BE THE ONE

RUNNING AROUND WITH THOSE THINGS?

- ALL RIGHT, HEY, TIME-OUT, OKAY, PEOPLE.

AT THIS POINT, THESE GUYS ARE MONSTERS

WHO WANT TO KILL AND EAT US.

AND THEY CAN SOON EASILY BE DEAD.

WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE TO THIS?

- I DON'T WANT TO MARRY A DEAD MONSTER.

- I DON'T WANT A DEAD ME!

THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE OUT THERE, AND THEY NEED OUR HELP.

EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, THEY'RE SOMEONE.

- YOU'RE GONNA KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU'RE GONNA SAVE.

THAT'S HOW THESE THINGS ALWAYS GO.

- ALL IN FOR A SWAMP TREK? - REALLY?

- SINCE WHEN IS THIS A DEMOCRACY?

- SINCE AMERICA.

- THIS IS WHERE DAN FOUND THE BOYS INITIALLY,

SO IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE NEAR THE SOURCE.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THE TRAIL NORTHEAST TO GET THERE.

- BUT HOW DO WE GET PAST THE BIGFOOT KIDS.

- WELL, THAT'S WHERE THE DISTRACTION COMES IN.

WE NEED SOUND AND MOVEMENT TO OCCUPY THEM

WHILE THE TASK FORCE COMPLETES ITS MISSION.

- I GOT YOU COVERED.

- NO.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

- IT'LL BE FINE. HEY, I PROMISE.

HEY, HEY, I COULD REALLY USE A DANCE PARTNER RIGHT NOW.

OKAY?

- DAN, PUT THE PIE DOWN.

- WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE I'M INVOLVED IN THIS?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE POINT MAN. YOU KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING.

- THE HELL I AM. SHIT.

USE YOUR MAP, ALL RIGHT?

HOW MANY OF YOU PASSED FIFTH GRADE?

GO TO THE SWAMP. IT SAYS "SWAMP" RIGHT THERE.

GO TO THAT. THAT AREA, MORE OR LESS.

- IT'S MORE OR LESS A PRETTY BIG PLACE.

- HEY, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I DON'T WORK FOR YOU, YOU CREEPY MOUNTAIN MAN.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT, OKAY?

SLAVKO, YOU KNOW I'M A TEAM PLAYER,

BUT IF I'M GONNA DO THIS,

I NEED A PROMOTION NEXT SEASON PLUS COMPANY GOLF CART.

- YEAH.

- FINE THEN.

AT LEAST I GOT SOMETHING OUT OF TONIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'VE ALL GOT WORK TO DO.

LET'S DO IT.

YOU ALWAYS WERE RESOURCEFUL.

- WITH LIMITED MEANS, YOU HAVE TO IMPROVISE.

- WELL, YOU HAVEN'T HAD LIMITED MEANS FOR A WHILE NOW, HAVE YOU?

- EVERYONE HAS TO SURVIVE, CHESTER.

SOME OF US AREN'T AS GOOD AS YOU ARE ALONE IN YOUR SHACK.

- SO THINGS GET TOUGH, AND YOU JUST LEAVE.

- THINGS GOT TOUGH AND YOU LET ME GO.

YOU NEVER CAME BACK FOR ME, CHESTER.

THAT'S WHY...

I NEVER RETURNED.

WE HAD LOVE, BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT FATED TO LAST.

- I NEVER GAVE UP.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T THINK YOU DID EITHER.

YOU PUT THAT GIRL'S SISTER AT THAT WINDOW

BECAUSE YOU KNEW THAT I WAS COMING BACK FOR YOU.

- [sighs]

- IN THE NIGHT,

WHEN YOU'RE GONE--

- CHESTER, DON'T.

- YOU GOT TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON.

COME THE MORNING,

YOU KNOW I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU...

both: * BABY, THOUGH YOU'RE MILES AWAY *

* YOU KNOW I'LL NEVER LET THE LOVE GO *

* HOLD ON

* HOLD ON UNTIL THE DAWN

[knock on door]

- IT'S TIME.

- I MIGHT HAVE LEFT YOU ONCE.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

PROMISE.

HERE...

AS A LAST RESORT.

YOU LET GO JUST ONCE, IT COULD BE FOREVER.

- I DON'T PLAN ON IT.

[dance music playing]

*

- [squeals]

[groaning]

*

- OH, MADONNA.

[groaning]

*

- FULL HOUSE.

REPEAT: FULL HOUSE.

- FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.

- GO TIME. - LET'S GO.

- BE CAREFUL.

- IT'S OKAY.

[door slides, closes]

- CAN'T I AT LEAST GET A WEAPON?

- SHUT UP, DAN.

- YOU SHUT UP.

TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ALL THE TIME.

CAN'T BELIEVE I'M RISKING MYSELF FOR YOU PEOPLE.

WHO AM I, A SAVIOR? MAYBE I AM.

- SHH. SHUT UP.

[dance music playing]

*

[monsters groaning]

- [speaking indistinctly]

- THIS IS THE SWAMP.

SEE, IT'S RIGHT WHERE IT WAS ON THE MAP.

- [sighs] SHH.

A GOOD SPOT RIGHT HERE. HEY, HEY.

- WHAT?

THAT'S MY ONLY WEAPON.

- SHH!

- DAN, SPREAD OUT AND KEEP WATCH.

- YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT.

[dance music continues]

- HOW MUCH LONGER?

- JUST KEEP DANCING, B-TRAIN.

DANCE LIKE LIVES DEPEND ON IT. - OKAY.

*

- [growling]

- JAR.

- YOU ALMOST DONE?

- WHAT, YOU IN A HURRY? - YES.

- ALL RIGHT.

[monsters growling]

*

- [screams]

[music stops]

- WATCH WHERE YOU ARE DANCING, YOU CLUMSY GIRL.

CAN'T YOU WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- I WAS WATCHING! - YOU NEVER LISTEN TO NOBODY!

NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[distant guttural roar]

- WHAT IS THAT?

- HOLD UP.

HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

- WHAT IS IT, CHESTER?

- IT'S SOMETHING. - WHAT'S GOING ON?

- SHH, JUST HOLD ON.

- COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GET BACK TO THE LODGE.

- DAN, THIS ISN'T A JOKE.

- WHY, 'CAUSE WE'RE DOING SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT HERE?

- SHUT UP, DAN.

- HEY, DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP.

I'M TIRED OF BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING AROUND HERE.

I THREW JIM OFF THE ROOF. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

WHINED A LOT AND GOTTEN SOME SLIME.

AND YOU, MISTER CREEPY MOUNTAIN MAIN, HUH?

"DELIVERANCE" ONLY HAS TRANQ DARTS AT A GUN FIGHT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SUCK.

I'M DOING THIS ALL FOR A GOD DAMN SHORT BITCH

WHO'S BLOND AND THINKS SHE'S ALL THAT.

SHE'S AN IOWA 4, A NEW YORK 2 AT BEST.

- DAN, MOOSE!

- [grunting]

- [groans]

[gunshot]

- LET'S GO, CHESTER. LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

[thud]

[roaring]

- YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

YOU WEREN'T LISTENING. YOU NEVER LISTEN!

- KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE KAHUNA, BOYS.

YOU ALL TOTALLY DIG ME.

BIG KAHUNA IS THE MAIN MAIN.

OH, NO.

OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- SEE, HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO WORK WITH YOU!

- WE'LL LOSE HIM IN THE RIVER.

[screams]

[groans]

[chomping]

[groaning]

[glass clanks]

- THEY'RE BACK, BUT CHESTER'S DOWN.

- [groans]

[birds squawking]

- SHIT, THIS IS BAD.

[gunshots]

- WATCH THE DOOR.

- NO, WATCH THE DOOR.

- CARLA, LET ME GO OUT. YOU'VE BEEN OUT THERE ENOUGH.

- NO!

- LET'S GET HIM INSIDE!

- NO DAN?

- HERE, TAKE THIS--FUCK.

SHIT, JUST GO. GO, YOU GUYS, GO.

[gunshots continue]

- GOD DAMN IT.

[birds squawking]

- NOBODY WALKS OUT ON THE KAHUNA!

HA!

[wings flapping, birds squawking]

- [groaning]

[electricity crackling]

[dramatic music]

*

- [roars]

- * UNCLE SLAVKO'S AMERICAN FAMILY LODGE *

* COME FOR THE FOOD-A

* STAY FOR THE KAHUNA

- STAY WITH ME, CHESTER.

- [gasping]

I'M WITH YOU.

- OKAY.

- [moaning]

- PUT SOME PRESSURE RIGHT THERE.

- [panting]

I'D RATHER REGRET A FIGHT I LOST...

THAN ONE I WALKED AWAY FROM.

HOLD ON...

TILL THE DAWN.

- IS HE...

- YEAH.

- [cries]

OH...

NO!

OH, NO!

[sobbing] NO!

- [cries]

- UM, THE SAMPLE?

- JADE WENT LOOKING.

- MAYBE SHE FOUND IT.

WE CAN'T GIVE UP NOW.

IF WE FIND HER, SHE COULD HAVE IT.

I SAW WHERE SHE WENT.

- THINGS HAVE JUST GOTTEN SUDDENLY WORSE.

MARLA, WILL YOU SHUT HER UP, PLEASE?

- I COULD DO IT WITHOUT YOU.

IF YOU COULD JUST DANCE ONE MORE TIME,

AND THEN I COULD GO OUT

AND I COULD FIND WHERE SHE WENT.

- NO.

NO!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...

- I CAN STILL DO IT.

WE COULD DO IT.

OH, MY GOD.

- WE'VE DONE ALL WE COULD, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

- THANK YOU.

- I AM NOT AGREEING WITH YOU.

I'M CONCEDING TO THE SITUATION.

JOHNNY DOESN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE, CARLY.

HE COULD BE GONE, AND WE CAN'T CHANGE THAT.

- NO. NO! - WE NEED TO SAVE OURSELVES.

- DON'T FEED ME THAT BULLSHIT!

YOU JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO STEAL ME AWAY FROM YOU,

'CAUSE THEN YOU'RE GOING TO REALIZE

HOW MUCH YOUR LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT ME.

- MY LIFE WOULD SUCK?

HE'S TAKING YOU TO GOD DAMN REDDING

TO OPEN UP A HOT ROD AUTO BODY SHOP.

YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.

- I DESERVE LOVE.

AND IF YOU EVER BOTHERED TO LOOK FOR IT

INSTEAD OF FUCKING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT,

THEN YOU'D REALIZE THAT IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

- HE'S GONE, CARLA.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

[sniffles]

FINE...

I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW,

SO THERE'S NO POINT EVEN FIGHTING WITH YOU.

- YOU KNOW VERY DAMN WELL

THAT I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE.

- THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP?

- [mouthing words]

ALL RIGHT?

- SO WE GOT TO CUT CHESTER'S HEAD OFF.

- WHAT? - YEAH.

- [gasping]

- WELL, NO--LISTEN; JUST CALM DOWN.

DOC, A BITE MEANS INFECTION, RIGHT?

- I DON'T--

YOU KNOW, YEAH, SURE, WHATEVER.

- LEAVE CHESTER ALONE. HE'S NOT A ZOMBIE!

- HE'S SOMETHING, PROBABLY.

I MEAN, TONIGHT'S BEEN A FUCKING SHIT SHOW,

AND NOW THE REST OF THE FOREST IS AFTER US.

WHY ARE YOU ARGUING WITH ME FOR THINKING SAFE?

- HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

HE DESERVES TO BE BURIED IN THE LAND THAT HE LOVED.

- HE WAS A SIMPLETON AND A COWARD.

OH!

YOU--YOU STAND UP FOR HIM NOW,

BUT WHEN WAS HE EVER THERE FOR YOU, HUH?

ALL THOSE YEARS.

AND WHERE WERE YOU THEN?

WHERE WERE YOU THEN?

- REALLY?

GONNA LOCK HIM IN THE WOOD CUTTIN' ROOM,

SO EVERYBODY KNOWS.

JESUS CHRIST.

[knock on door]

- HEY, CARLY BEAR.

- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY HE WAS REALLY HERE, MARLA?

HE ALREADY HAD ENOUGH MONEY FOR HIS SHOP.

HE TOOK THIS JOB SO THAT HE COULD PUT DOWN

ON THE HOUSE IN BAY VIEW.

- YOU MEAN THE ONE NEXT TO MOM?

- I WANTED TO TELL YOU TOMORROW...

WITH HIM.

HE KNEW HOW IMPORTANT FAMILY WAS TO US,

AND HOW YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

HE'S HERE TRYING TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR US.

NOW HE'S A MONSTER BECAUSE OF IT.

- I NEVER SAID I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME ANYMORE.

- CARLY-- - NO.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME. I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

JUST GET OUT. - CARLY--

- GET OUT!

NOW!

- DON'T GET CRAZY, GIRLS.

NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO GET CRAZY.

SORRY, DAD.

- SO HOW LONG UNTIL THE MELTDOWN?

- I'D BE SURPRISED IF THEY MAKE IT TO BRUNCH.

- ARE THERE ANY GUESTS COMING IN TOMORROW?

- OAKRIDGE SCHOOL FOR DEAF CHILDREN.

- THAT'S GONNA BE AN INTERESTING MORNING.

- MEN.

- HUH. - HEY.

- HEY. - HOW'S YOUR SISTER?

- GOOD. SHE'S--SHE'S GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

- YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY THERE ARE NO REAL PROBLEMS,

ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN DISGUISE.

- OH, I IMMEDIATELY REGRET ASKING THAT QUESTION.

- OKAY, LOOK; I'M ONLY IN THIS FOR JOHNNY, OKAY?

THERE STILL HAS TO BE SOME CLEVER LOW-RISK WAY

TO KEEP HIM ALIVE, RIGHT, DR. LINCOLN?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

[scoffs]

MY NAME IS DOUG.

- OKAY, DOUG.

- JUST TOO NICE.

- YOU KNOW HOW I GOT THAT GUY ALL DRUNK ON TEQUILA?

HE'S OUT.

SO WHY DON'T WE SOAK A BUNCH OF STEAKS IN 151

AND THEN GET THE BOYS WASTED,

AND THEN WE CAN THROW THEM IN THE FREEZER IN THE KITCHEN

AND THEN WE'LL WAIT FOR SCIENCE TO DEAL WITH IT LATER.

THAT SOUNDS EASY.

- YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT.

COMBINE GRAIN ALCOHOL AND OPEN THE DOORS.

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL WINNER.

- OKAY, THEN JUST JOHNNY.

OR JUST HIS HEAD.

I MEAN, SCIENCE CAN DO A LOT

WITH JUST A HEAD THESE DAYS, RIGHT?

- LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT SCIENCE NEEDS.

[scoffs]

I'M IN THE WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME, WRONG JOB.

I HATE THIS PLACE.

CARLA, YOUR SISTER IS SAYING SOME PRETTY IGNORANT THINGS

ABOUT...

YOU'RE KIDDING ME. WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

- IN CHESTER'S JACKET. WHAT IS IT?

- OH! OH!

COME HERE, COME ON, COME HERE, COME ON.

- GOD DAMN IT, MARLA,

YOU ARE SYMPATHIZING WITH MONSTERS.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

- SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP THEM,

BUT THEN SOMETIMES THE UNIVERSE SAYS, "YES, YOU CAN.

HERE'S THE OPPORTUNITY. ARE YOU GONNA TAKE IT?"

WELL, I CAN'T NOT TAKE IT. - JUST DROP IT.

- YOU CAN'T JUST DROP A STATE OF EMERGENCY, ARMANDO.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PLAYING IT SAFE

AND BEING A GOD DAMN COWARD.

- WHOA!

- YEAH, AND THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIVING AND DYING.

- I WILL DO ANYTHING THAT IT TAKES TO PROTECT MY FAMILY.

THAT IS MY SISTER.

- KEEPING HER ALIVE WOULD BE NOT GOING OUT THERE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU PROTECT YOUR FAMILY IN THE SELFISH WAY THAT YOU DO IT,

AND I'M GONNA PROTECT THE FAMILY THAT I HAVE

IN THE WAY THAT I DO IT,

AND THAT IS BY PROTECTING THEM,

AND NOT BEING A FUCKING LITTLE PUSSY.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

HATE TO BREAK UP THE LOVE FEST, BUT I GOT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS THE ORGANIC STRUCTURE FOR TOXIN SEVEN.

- IS THAT WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR IN THE SWAMP?

- IT'S MORE. IT'S BETTER. IT'S PRECISE.

- HA!

HA-HA, HA!

SUCK IT DOWN, COWARD.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

- LISTEN, I AM KIND OF RUNNING ON FUMES RIGHT NOW,

SO I CAN MAKE THE ANECDOTE,

BUT ADMINISTERING IT IS GONNA BE YOUR RISK ALONE.

- NO. - HMM?

- NO.

IT'S OUR RISK TOGETHER.

- OH, GOOD.

GOOD, OKAY, GOOD.

- I'M SORRY.

[computer keys clacking]

- ALL RIGHT, THAT SHOULD BE EVERYTHING.

- YOU'RE SO SMART. WHY ARE YOU WORKING HERE?

- WELL, YOU KNOW, THE ECONOMY, AND--

ALL RIGHT, CLOCK SAYS A COUPLE HOURS.

- HOW MUCH DO THEY GET?

- OH--

A FULL 100 CCs

SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO COUNTERACT THE BOYS' PHYSICAL TOXICITY.

- WHAT ABOUT SHOULD WE GET BIT?

- SAME AMOUNT COULDN'T HURT.

- [laughs]

YOU'RE A HERO THEN, HUH?

BRAVO, HUH?

- THANK YOU.

[clears throat]

- YOU ARE SO SMART!

COME, SLEEP.

- MM. - COME.

- GOOD NIGHT, DR. LIN-- UH, DOUG.

- [laughs]

HEY, BOSS,

I CANNOT, IN GOOD FAITH, LEAVE THIS UNATTENDED.

YOU KNOW, THE NOTES ALONE ARE WORTH A HEFTY PRICE

TO ANY NUMBER OF PARTIES.

NOT TO MENTION, THEY HOLD VITAL INCRIMINATING CLUES

TO WHO HAS BEEN DUMPING ON YOUR LAND.

- MM, SO THIS IS GOOD THEN, HUH?

- HMM?

- YOU STAY, BE ALERT.

DO NOT BE TIRED.

I GET COFFEE FOR YOU TO STAY AWAKE, HUH?

- COFFEE.

- [laughs] BRAVO, HUH?

MM. - YES.

- [clicks tongue] - WHOO.

- I CAN TAKE HER FROM HERE ON OUT.

- NEED ANYTHING?

- NO.

SORRY, I--

BOBBY VOLPRIK.

THAT IS THE NAME OF THE BULLY AT MY SCHOOL

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

HE USED TO GET OFF ON BEATING KIDS UP.

NOT ME.

I JUST WOULDN'T RESPOND TO ANYTHING HE DID, YOU KNOW.

[laughs]

UNTIL ONE DAY, HE GOT SO FRUSTRATED

THAT HE RUSHED ME IN GYM CLASS,

AND ALL I DID WAS STEP OUT OF THE WAY.

SLAMMED HIS FACE RIGHT INTO THE BLEACHERS.

HE NEVER MESSED WITH ME AGAIN.

- HMM.

- I SOLVED THAT PROBLEM,

AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO A THING.

THAT IS NOT COWARDICE.

THAT IS PLAYING TO WIN.

I KNOW YOU CAN'T JUST SHY AWAY FROM DISASTER,

BUT THROWING YOURSELF IN HARM'S WAY MAKES NO SENSE.

- SOMETIMES WHAT MAKES SENSE JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

- IT'S SO DUMB.

- RESPONSIBILITY IS DUMB.

- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- HUH?

- AND YOU'LL BE HONEST WITH ME?

- OF COURSE.

- [sighs]

[laughs]

I THINK I'M GETTING A PIMPLE.

- WHAT?

- IT'S, LIKE-- IT'S GONNA BE BIG.

I CAN FEEL IT JUST KINDA-- - OH, NO, FOR REAL?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- I HATE WHEN THEY CREEP UP ON YOU LIKE THAT.

BUT, YEAH, I CAN SEE IT. IT'S GONNA BE A MONSTER.

- [Spanish accent] WILL THE HORRORS OF THE NIGHT EVER END?

[laughter]

- I'M SORRY I KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS.

- THANKS.

- BET YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT QUARTERS THE SAME.

- NEVER GONNA LOOK AT YOU THE SAME.

- YOU TWO-- YOU TWO GO TO SLEEP.

I AM FIRST WATCH.

- UH, DO YOU WANT ANY COFFEE?

- YEAH-- NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, THANK YOU. I AM FINE.

- IT'S ALL YOURS.

- I FINE. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

[bird cawing]

[cawing continues]

[crashing, clanking in distance]

[glass breaks in distance]

- [sighs]

[piano keys being plucked]

- YOU GUYS, REHEARSAL ISN'T UNTIL LATER.

[sighs]

*

[squeaking, squawking]

- OH, NO, NO, NO!

- [roars]

- [screaming]

- MA?

WHERE--UH...

WHERE--

- [screaming]

[screaming]

[gagging]

[gulping]

- [groans]

- OKAY.

[muttering]

- [grunts]

OF COURSE IT'S LOCKED.

[grunts]

[glass breaks]

- DR. LINCOLN!

- SOMEBODY TOOK THE ANECDOTE.

YOU NEED TO FIND IT, GET IT TO THE POLICE.

- GOD, YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF THERE.

- NO TIME. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

- COME ON.

- [grunts]

- OH, THAT WAS A REAL MEAN ONE.

- ASSHOLE!

[screams]

BASTARD! YOU COWARD!

YOU LEFT US TO DIE!

- MARIANNA, THERE IS MUCH EVIDENCE AGAINST ME.

NO, NO--EVEN IF I DID NOT LEAVE LIKE THIS,

I WOULD LEAVE SOON ENOUGH FOR JAIL.

- OH, SO THESE ARE YOUR DUMPING GROUNDS.

- WELL--

- WHAT DO YOU CHARGE TO POISON THE SWAMP

WITH YOUR ILLEGAL WASTE?

ENOUGH TO SELL OUT YOUR EMPLOYEES

AND YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR WIFE?

- NO, NO, I MADE THOSE MONEYS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

- TO SHINE YOUR TROPHY!

- I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT FROM A WOMAN

WHO LOVED ME OUT OF CONVENIENCE.

YOU TOOK MY MONEY, ATE MY FOOD, AND SLEPT UNDER MY ROOF,

AND NEVER DID YOU LOVE ME LIKE HIM.

HOW CAN I ABANDON YOU

WHEN YOU NEVER GAVE YOURSELF TO ME?

HUH?

I OWE YOU NOTHING.

GO AND JOIN YOUR CHESTER.

- I JUST MAY.

[screaming]

- [squawks]

[screams]

- OH, NOW, NOW, NOW,

NO, NO, NO, MARIANNA, DARLING, PLEASE, PLEASE LET US TALK.

UH, I--

I KNOW WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT, BUT--

BUT WE CAN FIX OUR LOVE, HUH?

HUH?

WE CAN--THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO IN THE GOLF CART, HUH?

- EVERYTHING YOU DID YESTERDAY WAS TO COVER YOUR OWN GUILT

OR RUIN CHESTER'S LIFE.

YOU'RE A SELFISH, GREEDY MAN.

- I AM A CHANGED MAN.

LOOK, PLEASE PUT DOWN THE BOMB.

- OH, YOU'LL NEVER CHANGE.

AND I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.

- HEY, YOU TWO!

- THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US.

THERE IS NO NEW--

- [gasps]

[explosion]

[squawking]

- [sneezes]

- [screams]

- WELL, HOWDY.

- YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO GET THAT.

GET--GET--AHH! GO!

[gunshot]

[bubbling]

- ARE YOU OKAY?

OKAY, COME ON, COME ON.

- OKAY.

- [screams]

- MONEY, SCIENCE CRAP.

UH--SYRINGE. - SYRINGE.

- ANECDOTE. - OH, MY GOD!

[electricity crackling]

- [yells]

- [grunting]

- [groaning]

- WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T NOT DO THIS.

- WHAT? - GO, GO!

HEY, BIG GUY!

COME ON!

BIG...

DISGUSTING...

UM, SICK...

[yelling indistinctly]

SUCKER!

WE LEFT IT UP?

- [groans]

- [screaming]

[electricity crackling]

- OH, SHIT.

- [screams]

- MARLA, STAY THERE!

[grunts]

AHH!

- [screaming]

- SHIT.

IT'S OKAY.

- [grunts]

- [screams]

- [screams]

- [grunting]

- [screams]

- 54TH AND CRENSHAW, BITCH!

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!

- CARLA, COME ON!

- [screams]

- [screams]

[electricity crackling]

- [groaning]

- IS THAT THE REAL BIGFOOT?

- OH, YEAH.

- [screams]

- WHERE WAS HE YESTERDAY?

- [roars]

- NO, NO, NO, NO...

- YO, WHERE'S SHE GOING?

- NO!

JOHNNY!

OH, JOHNNY, JOHNNY!

- [gagging]

- [roars]

- OH, COME ON.

- [roars]

- NOW I'M PISSED OFF. GOD DAMN NATURE.

OH, WHY AM I EVEN SURPRISED ANYMORE?

- WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO HOPE

THAT BIGFOOT CAN DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS?

- OH, NO.

I'VE GOT WAY TOO MUCH PENT-UP AGGRESSION

TO LET YOU FUCKS OFF EASY.

- [screeches]

- YOU WANT TO GO? LET'S GO!

- [roars]

- UH, THIS IS GONNA GET GROSS.

- [squawking]

- LET'S DO THIS.

FOR FAMILY. - FOR LOVE.

- FOR REDEMPTION.

- [screams]

- SAY IT WITH ME, SIS...

both: WE LOVE FAMILY VACATION!

- * OH, YEAH

* I DIDN'T COME HERE TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WELL, I CAME FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* OH, YEAH

* YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WELL, YOU CAME FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL *

[guitar solo]

*

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME, I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME, I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

*

- [panting]

- BABE?

- SURPRISE!

- WHAT?

[police radio chatter]

- EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY NOW, JOHNNY.

- YOU TWO MIND TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

- UH, WELL, ACTUALLY...

THIS COULD SAY A LOT MORE THAN I COULD EVER TELL YOU.

- YOUR FOREST-- IS IT FUCKED?

- E.P.A.'s ALREADY FLYING IN,

AND WITH THESE NOTES, I THINK WE GOT A HANDLE ON THE SITUATION.

JUST DON'T GO FISHIN' FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON.

- YEAH.

- I THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE SENSE THAN TO COME BACK HERE.

- SO DID I.

- I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU DID IT.

- WHY'S THAT?

- BECAUSE SOMEONE RANG THE AWESOME BELL.

- [laughs]

- [Spanish accent] THAT SMILE IS WORTH...

1,000 DEAD WOODLAND CREATURES.

- [laughs] OH, MY GOD.

I THINK WE DESERVE A REAL VACATION.

- HOW ABOUT BRAZIL?

- HOW ABOUT PUERTO RICO?

- HOW ABOUT WE TALK ABOUT IT LATER?

- OKAY.

- * WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU LOVE ME, BABE *

* IF I TALKED TOO MUCH AND FUMBLED YOUR NAME? *

* AND WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU

- MA'AM, PLEASE STAY STILL.

- PLEASE SHUT UP.

- * FOR A NIGHT OF GAME

* AND WOULD YOU AT THE END OF THE PARTY *

* COME TO THE DISCO BALL WHERE WE ALL ARE STARS? *

* WOULD YOU THEN DRINK WITH ME A WHISKEY OR TWO? *

* WOULD YOU PRETEND TO?

[dramatic music]

*

- * OH, YEAH

* I DIDN'T COME HERE TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WELL, I CAME FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* OH, YEAH

* WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* WE CAME FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME, I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME, I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* SO WHAT YOU WORKING WITH?

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON, WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* I SAID, WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON, WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

*

* BRA OFF, PARTY ON

*

* BRA OFF, PARTY ON

*

* OH, BABY, BABY, WON'T YOU COME TO ME? *

* YOU KNOW I KNOW HOW TO PLEASE *

* OH, BABY, DON'T BE A T-T-TEASE *

* WHIP 'EM OUT, LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK, WITHOUT A DOUBT *

* BRA OFF, PARTY ON

* ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

* SAID, OH, YEAH

* I DIDN'T COME HERE TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* I CAME FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* OH, YEAH

* YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO TAKE IT SLOW *

* OH, YEAH

* YOU CAME FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME, I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* I'LL TELL YOU ONE TIME, I'LL TELL YOU TWO *

* I GOT THREE SHOTS OF THUNDER FOR YOU *

* SO WHAT YOU WORKING WITH?

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON, WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* I SAID, WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* WHAT YOU GOT FOR DIKK?

* COME ON, WHAT YOU WORKING WITH? *

* OH

* YEAH

* OH

* BREAK IT DOWN

* OH, AH

* OH, AH

[guitar solo]

* OH, AH

* ALL RIGHT, WHIP 'EM OUT, LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK

* OH, YEAH, GIRL, AND GET THAT BRA OFF *

* WE GET THE PARTY ON

*

* SO, UH, WHIP 'EM OUT, LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK, WITHOUT A DOUBT *

* WE GET THAT BRA OFF

* WE'LL GET THE PARTY ON

*

* SO WHIP 'EM OUT, LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK, WITHOUT A DOUBT *

* WE GET THAT BRA OFF, GIRL

* WE GET THE PARTY ON

*

* SO WHIP 'EM OUT, LET ME HEAR YOU SHOUT *

* THUNDERDIKK, WITHOUT A DOUBT *

*

- [roars]