Original subtitles

- Another great show today.

Now, really big news, everybody.

- Oh, nasty. - Who died in that cup?

- If you're gonna drink something that's gone bad,

do it in the privacy of your car like I do.

- It's just mushroom tea. Grow up, people.

Anyway, as you know, ads are down,

and the network is on my butt to get proactive

about new revenue streams.

Well, I'm about to get more proactive than Kendall Jenner.

[laughs]

'Cause she's a spokesperson for Proactiv.

- Not your best. - Oh.

- Oh, I know her more from her brave Pepsi protest.

- Okay, the point is, "Wake Up with Kenan"

is adding a fourth hour.

- Okay. - Awesome.

- That's 15 minutes more commercials.

- Okay, so let me just be clear--

that's another hour of work? - Another hour of fun.

So, we're gonna start small

with Keenan doing just solo interviews.

- I'm so happy for you, Kenan.

- Thank you. - Isn't this great?

- Sure, yeah.

I mean, I guess the girls have school anyway,

and I could just cancel some haircuts

and move some doctors' appointments around

and just stop exercising entirely.

- When did you start?

[all chuckle]

- Pam, you better stop.

You know I hit that gym pretty hard.

- Really?

'Cause when you walk up the stairs,

you wheeze out on step three.

- I told you. It's not a wheeze.

I was howling from excitement of getting to the top.

- Mm-hmm.

- So actually, Kenan, since the network

already has their hit hour after us--

"Morning Bubbles"--

we're going to start our fourth hour at 4:00.

- 4:00? - Yeah.

- In the ante meridiem? - Yes.

It's a totally untapped market.

Come on, y'all, this is gonna be huge.

You feel it, Kenan?

Do you smell what the Mika is cooking?

- [chuckles] Uh...

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, sure. I definitely--I smell it.

I smell something, unless it's still that tea.

- Actually, this time, that's on me.

- Okay, meeting adjourned.

- Wow, ugh.

[funky upbeat music]

♪

- 4:00 a.m.? That's damn near yesterday.

How you gonna pull this off?

- I guess by waking up an hour earlier?

- Oh, really?

Because you get real punchy if you don't get your winks,

just start saying what's ever on top

of your head like a auntie.

Remember when you played that all-night

celebrity basketball tournament?

You told Charles Barkley you love guarding him

because his skin is so soft.

- Well, hey, just because I shouldn't say it

don't mean it's not true. But I mean, come on.

I can't go to bed earlier and miss time with the girls.

They need me right now, and so does Mika,

so what was I supposed to say, no?

- Hell no, you never say no, which is a problem,

but right now, your bigger problem is Tami.

You better watch the throne, king.

- What? Man, Tami's not coming for me.

- Okay, and this one is for your tummy.

- If she's not coming for you, then why is she giving

the whole crew muffins, which highlights the point

that you don't give nobody no damn muffins.

- I'm Kenan. I don't bring muffins.

I slap the muffin out your hands

and then everybody laughs.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

If she gets an hour to herself on this show, it's a wrap.

Look man, as your bro-ager--

- We have talked about bro-ager.

- Come on, man. I want a special name.

Moms get mom-ager, and you won't call me mom-ager.

- Because you are childless and a man.

- Then call me a man-ager. Damn it.

Look, the point is

Tami's coming for your spot, all right?

She's been pitching segment ideas

and going four quadrant

on her styling and now the damn muffins?

- Stop distracting me with your made-up problems.

All right?

The real problem is I gotta get up in the middle of night

when the garbage men rule the streets.

- We have designated that as their time.

- But I can totally do this.

I mean, not letting people down is what I do.

I got this.

- And I got the Tami thing.

- No, there is no Tami thing.

- On it. - Get back here!

- Already gone.

- Now I'm not a traditional autumn,

yet I notice you put on a lot of orange and green on my face.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, I do. - Okay, well, I--

- Oh, hey, Tami.

Hey, just want to check in, you know?

See how your family is and where you see yourself

five years from now professionally.

- Oh, thanks.

I guess I don't think that far ahead.

What shoes am I going to wear tomorrow?

That's where I'm at. - Uh-huh.

Muffin? [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - [chuckles]

- Delicious. - Mm.

[upbeat music]

- Daddy, why are you making dinner so early?

- Because low and slow is the key

to the perfect meatball, all right?

Action Bronson said cooking

is all about controlling every variable.

- He's scary. - Ooh, Lordy, man.

I heard you have to be at work at 4:00 a.m.

Prepare yourself for a lot of weird eye-contact

at stop lights. - Wait, is that true?

- Well, yeah, baby. It is.

I mean, they added an extra hour

to Daddy's show, but don't worry.

Nothing's going to change for you.

I'm just going to get up a bit earlier.

- Yikes. - Uh-oh.

[chuckling] - What?

- You're not really good at no sleep, champ.

Remember when the girls were up sick for three nights

and you wrote that op-ed in the "Chronicle"

raving about Charles Barkley's velvety skin?

- Well, the man has knees that are soft as peaches.

- Why don't you just go to bed earlier?

- And miss night-night?

No, I haven't missed a single bedtime since--

Look, I can do it all, all right? Don't worry.

- Can't Papa Rick just do bedtime?

It'll be fun.

- Yes, please, please, please, please.

- Please. - Please, please, please!

- Okay, all right, all right. If that's what you really want.

- Yes.

- And if he doesn't mind taking time away from--

what exactly is your day-to-day, Rick?

- Nothing much. I'm in.

- Yay! - Whee!

Okay, this is gonna be the best night ever.

- Let's lay out our pajamas for tonight.

- Hey, man, thank you.

I'm trying to get better about accepting help,

so you sure you don't mind? - Heck no.

I missed most of Cori's bedtimes,

and her daytimes,

but now I get to be with my granddaughters

and make up for all of the mistakes I made

with my daughter five minutes at a time.

- Touching, but their bedtime

is a little longer than five minutes.

They added a few things this year,

so now it's two songs and three stories apiece,

and then we do a mind meld where I think of a number

and we put our heads together and whichever one guesses

is closest to that number, I love the most.

It's always a tie. In and out, 45 minutes tops.

- Hm.

You want to know your problem?

- Oh, no, thank you.

- You're a pushover. Every couple's got one.

And it's balanced out by the tough one,

so with Cori gone,

you got no shot at saying no.

- I'm no pushover.

Technically, she was the bad cop,

and I was the very well-liked cop.

- You know how my dad got us to sleep?

Held us down. That's it.

Just held us down until we stopped squirming.

- That's maybe assault.

- No, the squirming is good. It tires you out.

We slept like angels.

- Well, angels are technically dead so...

- You're not just a pushover with the girls.

You can't say no to anybody without Cori in your corner.

That's why your brother manages your career,

why Mika's got you up at 4:00 a.m. in butt crack,

and I've got my fingers all up your meatball pan.

- Okay, I might be a bit of a people pleaser,

but it doesn't mean I can't be tough when I need to be.

So I would like for you to put girls down my way or--

please just put 'em down my way, please.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- You're the boss.

- But, Rick, those meatballs are supposed to simmer

for 90 minutes. They are essentially raw.

- I've been to France.

♪

- [screams]

[all scream]

- We were wrong. - You have to do bedtime.

- I let 'em watch "It". It's about a clown.

- "And so he married the princess

"because she was so sensitive,

she could feel a pea under her bed."

Huh?

- Wait. Don't forget the hallway song.

- Right, hallway song coming up.

♪ Hallway

♪ I'm singing in my hallway

♪ I'm singing in -- Thanks a lot, Rick.

If you would have just done what I asked you,

I would be sleeping right now.

♪ It's my little, small way of trying ♪--

- No, no, I did everything you asked me to do,

and they just kept adding more stuff.

Finally, I told them if you want to stay up,

then you gotta do what I want to do,

and I wanted to watch "It."

- You suddenly wanted to watch "It"--

a horror movie from four years ago?

- It was in my queue. I'm a little behind.

- Daddy, is everything okay?

That's not a scary clown is it?

- No, babies, it's just a regular clown.

- A clown? - A clown?

Oh, it's just Papa Rick, hilarious.

Is he's gonna do the hallway song too?

- [clears throat] No.

- Yes, he is. Of course he is.

♪ I'm up here, you can be down here ♪

- Just count it off there, Wichita.

- All right. One, two, three, four.

[singing together] ♪ Hallway

♪ I'm singing in the hallway ♪

♪ I'm singing in my hallway - Nice.

♪ I could have been in the bed ♪

- ♪ In the hallway

♪ I'm saying good night to the ladies ♪

♪ I'm sayin' good night to the ladies ♪

[alarm beeps]

- Oh, oh.

[upbeat music]

- Yo, bro, you're not going to believe what I just--

- [groans] - Are you tired?

- You're not?

- No, man, I'm high as hell

on the adrenaline of this Tami scandal--and drugs.

Anyway, check out this blind item right here.

[chuckles]

- "What blond bozo morning host

"who's responsible for most of WDPAs makeup budget

"is juggling a secret, bitter divorce

"and custody battle

"while gunning to have their cute and lovable cohost

kicked to the curb?" Man, this could be anyone.

- So you not cute and lovable, fam?

- We both know that I am.

- All right, then, so you got to get ready.

I got you a red cap. It's a cappuccino.

- Nice.

- With three Red Bulls in it. Drink up.

Stay ready so you don't gotta get ready, a'ight?

Now, whose house is this? - It's my house.

- Okay, what time is it? - Game time.

- Let's protect this house!

- All right, 4:00 a.m. hour. How we feeling?

- Jacked! Let's get it.

- Oh, wow, great. I love the enthusiasm.

- Hey, we should add a fifth hour to the show.

What would the network think about those revenue streams?

[laughs] - Oh.

- Anybody ever gone 24 hours straight?

- Uh, so let's just nail the fourth hour first,

and then sky's the limit, right?

- Okay. You got it, boss.

- Okay. - You know, you are so great.

We should probably, like, go on a road trip

or something like that. Wouldn't that be cool?

- Oh, uh-huh.

All right, so first up is local councilman

Dustin Berniff here to discuss zoning policy.

I know, not the most riveting guest,

but we'll get better ones once we're a hit,

so it's on you to keep the energy up, okay?

- Pfft, you just try to stop me.

I feel like I'm the king of--

- That's the world of neighborhood council meetings.

[chuckles]

I mean, the zoning board is locked

in a real power struggle this year with the selectmen,

so that's something we gotta look out for.

You know, it's really something else.

One fun thing, there's been a ruling

on a new roundabout in Briarcliff.

Close your eyes and picture zero congestion

on the 85 on-ramp.

Seriously, close your eyes.

- Oh, I don't think I should do that.

- I find it much easier to imagine

if you actually close your eyes.

- Well, I'm not gonna, so just move on.

- Mika, Mik the freak,

Mik Mill, the Mik shall inherit this high five.

- We are not nickname close, Gary.

Please, don't. - Okay, cool.

Question.

Does Tami strike you as out for herself?

You know, like a lone wolf type?

- Okay, I am very busy, Gary.

I don't have time to go through

what kind of wolves everyone is with you again.

- Oh. - Can you see it?

An uncongested on-ramp to 85. Isn't that glorious?

All right, open your eyes, Keenan.

- [snoring] - Kenan?

- Psst, Kenan! - [snoring]

I overwhelmed him.

[upbeat music]

[knocks] - Kenan.

That was--well, we can edit out your night terrors.

- Well, at least I didn't have night pleasures.

I'm sorry, Mika. I let you down.

You know how much I hate letting anybody down.

- No, I'm sorry.

I know how much you have on your plate,

so if adding a fourth hour is too much, just say the word.

'Cause I can just have Tami do it.

- Tami?

- Yeah, she's been asking to do a lot more.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Uh, no, no, no.

Yeah, I think I just got off to a bumpy start.

I can figure this out.

I just need to circumvent the human body's

most essential requirement.

- Oh, you need a sleep hack.

I've been using a great one for years,

and it has quadrupled my productivity.

It's called micro-mapping. - Please mean long naps.

Please mean long naps. - It's very short naps.

- Yep.

- If you time your REM cycle right,

a series of five-minute naps throughout the day

can be just as refreshing as eight hours of sleep.

- For real?

- Yeah, my uncle who's a physicist did it

so that he could work all day

and still have enough energy for a second family.

- I'm listening.

[Jimmy Cliff's "You Can Get It If You Really Want"]

[alarm beeps]

[rocksteady music]

- ♪ You can get it if you really want ♪

- Daddy! - Hey!

- Yeah! - Mmm, I missed you!

"And they all lived happily ever after."

Mind meld! Come on.

What you got?

- 7. - 12.

- Oh, it's a tie. I love you both.

Good night, night.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Daddy has got this.

♪

- ♪ Rome was not built in a day ♪

- Ah, my eyes! What are you doing?

- Tami's allergic to sandalwood.

- Give me this. Get out of my office, boy!

- ♪ Mind set on a dream

- Wake up, man.

- ♪ You can get it though hard it may seem now ♪

- Hey, man, what is this? - You said you wanted LeBron.

- But I meant with the hair unit in.

- My bad, dog. I'll go get it.

♪

- You know this is unsustainable, right?

At least tell the girls you can't make their cucumbers

into flowers anymore.

You gotta say no to something, or you're going to crack.

- Actually, it's going great, okay?

And I think I'm done taking advice from the guy

that scared my girls so bad

they want to get an A-C-A-B tattoo.

You know what that stands for? All Clowns Are Bastards.

- Try it with me.

No, no. - No, thank you.

It's my naptime.

Relax, man, everything is under control.

[dramatic music]

Have a great day at school, sweetie.

Love you, bye.

♪

And as always, I don't care if you slept at all.

As long as you--

[crowd shouting] Wake up with Kenan

at 4:00!

- All right, all right, this is handsome bunch.

Oh, sir, did you bring your sex doll with you?

Dope.

Okay, our guest today is...

Councilman Dustin Berniff. Again?

- [mouthing words] - Kenan.

I've got some big updates

on the roundabout. - Oh, I bet you do.

- Yes, all right.

Well, the story starts in 1974.

- Sure.

"And so the fairy

cursed Sleeping Beauty to sleep for 100 years."

Sound like the best curse ever.

"Until the Prince arrived to try to awaken

Sleeping Beauty out of her slumber."

- Princesses are dumb. - What?

when did this happen? - Recess.

Princesses are out. Empowerment is in.

Will you sing us a song about that please?

- Okay, uh...

♪ Title IX

♪ You are so fine

♪ Famous for your place in athletics ♪

[together] Yeah, no.

- You can make up for it with the hallway song.

And tomorrow, I'm thinking puppet show.

- Can't wait. All right, into bed.

Good night. - Good night, Dad.

- I love you. - I love you.

- I love you too.

[dreamy music]

- Kenan. - Kenan.

♪

- Kenan. - Kenan.

♪

- Kenan. - Kenan.

♪

- Kenan. - Kenan.

- Kenan. - Kenan!

- What's up? - The sun, silly.

Okay, now, if you are done daydreaming,

are you ready to try some of Chef Dadiani's

authentic Georgian food?

[applause]

- Yeah, yes, of course.

But I gotta warn you there, chef,

just because I grew up here all my life,

I don't just get down with any old Georgian food.

- To clarify, when I say Georgian,

I don't mean Atlanta.

I mean the Eastern European country,

Georgia. - Is that a real place?

- [mouthing] Yes. - Okay.

Mmm, now that's soup with some chew to it.

- Is that right? Here, let me taste.

That tastes bad.

Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant to say

was that soup tastes real damn bad.

I mean you're probably a better human than a chef.

Okay, I'll stop talking. - Good idea.

- But that's what they want.

They want me to be quiet so they can silence the Black man!

- Oh, okay. - And Charles Barkley,

how do you your skin so soft?

- BRB, y'all! You okay, dude?

- It is my mother's recipe.

- "Wake Up with Kenan" will return.

- I knew he'd crack. - Ugh.

- Pay up, losers. Thank you very much.

- So, we're going to go with a clip show

the rest of the way. - I know, I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I just get too overtired to lie.

Your perfume smells like a palm reader's van.

I'm sorry. It's more like Lilith Fair.

[gasps] Zipping it up. I can't stop.

- Yeah, mm-hmm, I'll take half of everything you have.

You know I will. I'll take the kids too.

- Huh, a bitter divorce and custody battle.

Tami, you blond snake.

[dramatic music]

- Darren, you are the reason why they think

that men can't buy pants by themselves, all right?

Your pants aren't fitting right, Darren.

Help me. - Yeah, you gotta calm down.

Did you try my micro-naps? - They didn't work.

I mean, when I could even get through one

between the girls and Rick and Gary and the show.

- Oh, yeah, I don't really have a personal life right now.

That's why I sleep so well.

[together] Daddy!

- Hey, oh, what are you doing here?

Why are you not in school? - Yeah, sorry.

They needed help with their homework before school,

and it turns out I can't do the voices.

- Well, I mean, they're my children.

They like when I do voices with their homework.

- You know, you look like hell.

You sure you don't want to just tell them to suck it up?

- "Skier one"-- let's just call her Denise--

"is going downhill at 50 miles per hour

"and she is like oh, I didn't expect

my anniversary to go this way."

- Tami is definitely out to get you.

- What? - What?

No, I'm not.

- Oh, yeah, who does this sound like to y'all?

"Blond bozo morning host

"who's responsible for most of WDPA's makeup budget

"is juggling a bitter divorce and custody battle

"while gunning to kick their lovable

and cute cohost of the curb." - That is so not me.

- Well, then why did I hear you say

I'll take half of everything you have and the kids?

- Because I was talking to my neighbor

about borrowing flour

when I pick up their kids for a sleepover.

Flour to make more muffins for the crew.

Why would I betray Kenan? He's been a mentor to me

ever since he plucked me out of journalism school.

- Well, I don't know if I'd call starting

an ASMR YouTube channel after getting kicked off

of "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" journalism school,

but we have developed a nice thing.

- Thank you.

- Plus, makeup, juggling, bozo?

That's clearly about "Morning Bubbles."

[children scream]

- Oh, babies, it's okay. It's just a poster.

- Oh, now that makes more sense.

- Yeah, obviously Bubbles.

- I didn't even think of the damn clown.

- Oh, huh, oh?

Pam told me we had some kids on set today.

[both scream]

- Get out of here, you crazy clown!

Why would you come for the children?

- My bad. Sorry.

- Okay, you know what? That's it.

I am going to start saying no to everybody,

and I can finally do it because I'm too tired to be nice.

I got to stop being so polite and start--

- Getting real?

- Don't tell me the "Real World" tagline.

Let me remember it on my own. - My bad.

- What's the "Real World"?

- It's a movie for old people.

- It was groundbreaking.

- Look, Mika, I can't do 4:00 a.m.

I'm sorry. I just can't.

My work-life balance

is delicate at best, and another hour

is just going to wreck my time with the girls,

which is gonna require

some major tweaking, by the way.

- So no more bedtime routines?

- Of course not, baby.

You know I'll do anything for you.

You're so perfect. - [coughs]

[whispers] Come on, you already said no once.

- Okay, but it does mean

it's going to have to be shorter.

Look, I always prided myself on being that guy

that everybody could depend on,

but there's a fine line between people pleaser and pushover.

- Excuse me? Did you say pushover?

- Yeah, I don't think the gloating helps.

- Sorry.

- But the people pleaser in me did kind of

kick into overdrive this year.

I was trying to take care of everybody twice as hard

because we lost a hall of famer

taker care-er of-er?

- He's sleepy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- And if we're all being brutally honest,

me and Bird kind of took advantage of you

just a tad because, I mean,

what kid likes going to bed? - Facts.

- We're really sorry. You do you, Daddy.

- And if I'm being honest,

I lean on you way too much for the show, Kenan.

You're just so good. I mean, not this week,

but that's proof that I need to ease up.

And sorry about dangling Tami in front of you

to keep you going. I also did that.

Look, the girls are right, Kenan.

Do you. You deserve it. - Thank you.

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm about to go paint my windows black

and sleep for four days. Come on, Rick.

You're driving.

- Come on, Gary, you're driving.

- I'ma go do me too.

- Okay--hey, so, um,

if that fourth hour really is up for grabs,

I'd love to throw me old hat in the--

- I knew it. I knew it.

- Okay, guys, chill out, all right?

We're pulling the plug.

Research showed that there's way fewer people

watching than we thought, so...

- All right.

[dramatic music]

- Did you just flinch, Gary? - I was dancing.

- ♪ And that's why Stacy Abrams is so dope ♪

All right?

That ends our abridged bedtime routine, right?

- Wait, aren't you forgetting something, Papa Rick?

- You go to sleep. - [laughs]

- No! [laughs]

- You stay down. - Go to bed.

[upbeat music]

- You the man, Rick.

Man, what am I gonna do with all this time?

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