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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,074 20 million years ago, 2 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,077 an apelike creature inhabited the earth. 3 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,580 [also sprach zarathustra playing] 4 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,104 and the ape stood and became man. 5 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:03,623 rrr! arrgh! grr! rrugh! 6 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:26,146 ahh... ahh... ahh... 7 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:55,675 the greatest calamity that could befall early man 8 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:58,178 was the loss of fire. 9 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,181 fire--the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food, 10 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,184 heated his cave, and kept him alive. 11 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,187 if he could not start a fire, 12 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,190 he and his would surely die. 13 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,213 even in most primitive man, 14 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,716 the need to create was part of his nature. 15 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,718 this need, this talent 16 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,721 clearly separated early man from animals, 17 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,724 who would never know this gift. 18 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,230 and here, in a cave 19 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,732 somewhere in the north american continent 20 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,734 about 2 million years ago, 21 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,737 the first artist was born. 22 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:19,259 and, of course, with the birth of the artist, 23 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,762 came the inevitable afterbirth... 24 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,764 the critic. 25 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,784 in the year 1 million bc, 26 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:48,288 it is thought the first homo sapien marriage occurred. 27 00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:02,302 it was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage. 28 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:10,310 one of the first weapons man invented 29 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,312 was the spear. 30 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:13,813 [pfftt!] 31 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,316 [pfftt!] 32 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:34,834 aah! 33 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,340 aah...ah ah... 34 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,853 ohh...ah-- 35 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:56,856 in ancient times, man was ignorant 36 00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,859 as to the cause and nature of death, 37 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:03,863 so death was greeted with a certain degree of awe. 38 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,366 aw... aw... aw... aw... 39 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,868 bungwa. 40 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,871 but because man did not have the time 41 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,873 for complicated rituals, 42 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,376 funeral services were often brief. 43 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,378 aah! aah! aah! 44 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,379 [thud] 45 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,880 [ptooey] [ptooey] 46 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,386 even in early man, 47 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,390 the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival. 48 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,904 rrrr! 49 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,410 aaaghh! aah! 50 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,412 ha ha! ha ha! ha ha! 51 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,922 aahhhh! 52 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,925 music began long before it was formalized 53 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,927 into notes and phrases. 54 00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:11,431 for mankind, it began with an accident. 55 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,434 goonga heard the sound and liked it. 56 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,437 goonga begged gowi to repeat the beautiful scream, 57 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,439 but gowi could not. 58 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,441 so goonga thought and thought, 59 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,943 and finally he found the answer. 60 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,447 ahha aha ah-- 61 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,950 aaahhh-- 62 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:35,955 aah ah ah ah! 63 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,958 aaahh-- 64 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,460 aaahhh! 65 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,462 aahahah! 66 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,464 wooh ahhh... 67 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,968 and so, music was born. 68 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,970 ## hallelujah ## 69 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,972 ## hallelujah ## 70 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,475 ## hallelujah, hallelujah ## 71 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,976 ## halle-lu-jah! ## 72 00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,480 ## owh owh owh owhh! #### 73 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,487 moses went to the mountain, 74 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,489 and god spoke unto him. 75 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,993 moses, this is the lord, thy god, 76 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,496 commanding you to obey my law! 77 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,498 do you hear me? 78 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:21,501 yes, i hear you, i hear you. 79 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,003 a deaf man could hear you. 80 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,505 what? 81 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,006 nothing. forget it. 82 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,009 oh, lord, why have you chosen me? 83 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,012 what would you have me do for you? 84 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,515 i shall give you my laws, 85 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:38,518 and you shall take them unto the people. 86 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,019 yes, lord! 87 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,522 [thunder] 88 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,524 wow! 89 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,532 lord, i shall give these laws 90 00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,534 unto thy people. 91 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,036 hear me! oh, hear me! 92 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,038 all pay heed! 93 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,041 the lord, the lord jehovah, 94 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,545 has given unto you these 15-- 95 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,548 oy! 96 00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:13,553 10, 10 commandments for all to obey! 97 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,564 rome--vortex of modern civilization. 98 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,567 rome--fountainhead of culture. 99 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,570 rome--blazing pronouncement 100 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:34,073 of mankind's most glorious achievements. 101 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:40,580 all right, now. columns, columns! 102 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,583 columns! columns! get your columns here! 103 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,585 ionic, doric, corinthian! 104 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,588 put a few columns out in front, 105 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,090 turn any hovel into a show place! 106 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,593 columns! sir, don't touch the merchandise! 107 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,595 all right, now. columns, columns! 108 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,598 haircut, shave, shampoo...bloodletting! 109 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,601 sooths! soothsaying! get your sooth said right here! 110 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,604 i can tell the future! you, sir! 111 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,607 for a wee fee of two drachmas, 112 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,610 i can tell you your future! 113 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,613 ha! yes, yes! i see, i see! 114 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,617 i see that you are going on a l0-o-ong journey! 115 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,620 yes. you, sir, are going to rome! 116 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,622 but i amin rome! 117 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,123 do i lie? 118 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,125 no! no! ha ha! 119 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:29,128 ah ha! sooth, sooth! we give great sooth! 120 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,630 ha ha ha! 121 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,132 chariots! used chariots! 122 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,135 low mileage! they're great! 123 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,154 i'm very excited about it. 124 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:58,157 it's a new concept. it's called a centerfold. 125 00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,159 ha ha! ha ha! 126 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,661 plumbing! 127 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,162 plumbing! 128 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,164 plumbing here! plumbing! 129 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,166 yes, citizens, plumbing! 130 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,169 it's the latest invention to hit rome! 131 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,673 it moves water from one place to another! 132 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,675 it's astounding, it's amazing! 133 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,677 get on the bandwagon! 134 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:21,681 pipe the shit right out of your house! 135 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,683 plumbing! plumbing here! 136 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,686 plumbing! brand-new invention! 137 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,696 occupation? 138 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,197 gladiator. 139 00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,199 did you kill last week? 140 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,200 no. 141 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,203 did you try to kill last week? 142 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,204 yeah. 143 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,207 this is your last week of unemployment insurance. 144 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:52,211 either kill somebody, or we'll have to change your status. 145 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,713 sign here. 146 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,269 next! 147 00:12:00,269 --> 00:12:01,470 occupation? 148 00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,222 standup philosopher. 149 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:04,223 what? 150 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,225 standup philosopher. 151 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,729 i coalesce the vapor of human experience 152 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,732 into a viable and logical comprehension. 153 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,734 oh! a bullshit artist! 154 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:17,734 mmmmmm... 155 00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:20,403 did you bullshit last week? 156 00:12:20,403 --> 00:12:21,738 no! 157 00:12:22,238 --> 00:12:24,624 did you try to 158 00:12:24,624 --> 00:12:26,242 yes! 159 00:12:26,242 --> 00:12:27,710 comicus! 160 00:12:27,710 --> 00:12:30,413 comicus! comicus! 161 00:12:30,413 --> 00:12:32,331 back in the line! 162 00:12:32,331 --> 00:12:35,251 he's not in line. he's my agent, swiftus. 163 00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:38,254 good news! i just got you a job! 164 00:12:38,254 --> 00:12:40,890 now you won't be needing this. 165 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,759 wait a minute! that's mine! 166 00:12:42,759 --> 00:12:44,761 i'm on my wine break! 167 00:12:44,761 --> 00:12:45,762 [smash!] 168 00:12:45,762 --> 00:12:47,230 ooh ooh oo! 169 00:12:48,765 --> 00:12:50,266 doppess! 170 00:12:50,266 --> 00:12:53,569 i almost had the money in my hand. 171 00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:55,271 i like that. 172 00:12:55,271 --> 00:13:00,276 i bust my anus to get you a job, and you're angry? 173 00:13:00,276 --> 00:13:02,278 you are nuts, n-v-t-s, nuts! 174 00:13:02,278 --> 00:13:04,113 ok. what's the job? 175 00:13:04,113 --> 00:13:06,783 just the best gig in rome, 176 00:13:06,783 --> 00:13:09,786 a date that every standup philosopher, including socrates, 177 00:13:09,786 --> 00:13:11,287 would die for. 178 00:13:11,287 --> 00:13:15,291 believe it or not, you're going to play caesars palace! 179 00:13:15,291 --> 00:13:16,959 the main room? 180 00:13:16,959 --> 00:13:18,294 the main room! 181 00:13:18,294 --> 00:13:19,796 groovus! groovus! 182 00:13:19,796 --> 00:13:23,800 let's not be late! the show starts in an hour! 183 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,268 the main room! 184 00:13:25,351 --> 00:13:27,804 10, 10, 10. 20, 20, 20. 185 00:13:27,804 --> 00:13:30,306 30, 30, 30. 40, 40, 4o. 186 00:13:30,306 --> 00:13:32,308 do i hear 50? 187 00:13:32,308 --> 00:13:33,309 50! 188 00:13:33,309 --> 00:13:35,311 sold for 50 libra! 189 00:13:35,311 --> 00:13:36,813 oh, no! 190 00:13:36,813 --> 00:13:38,314 come here, you! 191 00:13:38,314 --> 00:13:40,316 the slave auction is over! 192 00:13:40,316 --> 00:13:42,819 take these rejects to the colosseum! 193 00:13:42,819 --> 00:13:44,821 sell them for lions' bait! 194 00:13:44,821 --> 00:13:46,322 no! no! no! 195 00:13:46,322 --> 00:13:48,825 wait a minute! wait a minute! 196 00:13:48,825 --> 00:13:50,827 what is this with lions? 197 00:13:50,827 --> 00:13:53,329 i cannot go to the lions 198 00:13:53,329 --> 00:13:55,331 because i happen to know 199 00:13:55,331 --> 00:13:57,884 that the lions only eat christians! 200 00:13:57,884 --> 00:14:00,336 i am a jew, jewish person. 201 00:14:00,336 --> 00:14:03,840 i can prove it. watch this. look out. 202 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,842 ## havah nagilah, havah ## 203 00:14:06,342 --> 00:14:07,343 ## nagilah, havah ## 204 00:14:07,844 --> 00:14:10,096 ## nagilah, vaynism' chayh ## everybody! 205 00:14:10,346 --> 00:14:11,848 ## havah nagilah, havah ## 206 00:14:11,848 --> 00:14:13,349 ## nagilah, havah ## 207 00:14:13,349 --> 00:14:14,984 ## nagilah, havah-- #### 208 00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,903 now, hold it! 209 00:14:16,903 --> 00:14:18,855 i'm jewish, i'm telling you! 210 00:14:18,855 --> 00:14:21,357 call the temple, call the rabbi, 211 00:14:21,357 --> 00:14:23,860 call sammus davis jr! call sammus! 212 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:26,863 he'll vouch for me. we are tight. 213 00:14:26,863 --> 00:14:28,364 jewish, huh? 214 00:14:28,364 --> 00:14:31,367 he missed. i jumped, and he missed. 215 00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:34,253 it was his first day. he was nervous. 216 00:14:34,253 --> 00:14:36,873 i got an appointment for thursday. 217 00:14:36,873 --> 00:14:39,876 he'll give me a local, bup, i'm out! 218 00:14:39,876 --> 00:14:41,878 get him out of here! 219 00:14:41,878 --> 00:14:45,381 you could make a lot of money with me! 220 00:14:45,548 --> 00:14:47,884 wait a minute. money? come here. 221 00:14:47,884 --> 00:14:49,385 how? 222 00:14:49,385 --> 00:14:52,388 i'm very entertaining. i got special talents. 223 00:14:52,388 --> 00:14:54,390 i'll show you. i need sand. 224 00:14:54,857 --> 00:14:55,608 what? 225 00:14:55,892 --> 00:14:57,894 sand. you're standing on it. 226 00:14:57,894 --> 00:15:02,064 get the sand. what the hell's the matter with you? 227 00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:03,399 thank you. 228 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,402 yes. a little sand on the stage 229 00:15:06,903 --> 00:15:09,906 for the native shim-sham sand dance. 230 00:15:09,906 --> 00:15:12,408 look out. i'm going to start. 231 00:15:22,919 --> 00:15:24,420 ## bop a do ba bow ## 232 00:15:24,921 --> 00:15:26,722 born to do it! 233 00:15:26,722 --> 00:15:28,925 ha ha ha! ha ha! 234 00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:32,929 hey, what country you from? 235 00:15:33,429 --> 00:15:34,430 ethiopia. 236 00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:36,432 what part? 237 00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:39,435 125th street. 238 00:15:39,936 --> 00:15:41,437 ha ha! ha ha! 239 00:15:41,821 --> 00:15:43,439 i'll sign him. 240 00:15:44,941 --> 00:15:46,442 the big turn. 241 00:15:49,028 --> 00:15:52,031 ## and that's the ethiopian... shim-sham! #### 242 00:15:52,031 --> 00:15:53,950 ooh! ahh! 243 00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:55,451 he's great! 244 00:15:55,952 --> 00:15:57,370 he's good! 245 00:15:57,370 --> 00:15:58,955 the kid is wonderful! 246 00:15:59,455 --> 00:16:00,873 neigh! 247 00:16:00,873 --> 00:16:02,291 [thump!] 248 00:16:02,291 --> 00:16:04,460 go on, lazy brute, get up! 249 00:16:04,961 --> 00:16:06,462 you're costing me good money! 250 00:16:06,963 --> 00:16:07,964 oh! oh! 251 00:16:07,964 --> 00:16:09,348 oh! oh! 252 00:16:09,348 --> 00:16:11,968 please! stop it! the poor thing's in pain! 253 00:16:12,468 --> 00:16:15,471 out of the way, or you'll get the same! 254 00:16:15,972 --> 00:16:17,440 no! you mustn't! 255 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,474 aah! 256 00:16:18,975 --> 00:16:20,977 hey! hey! what, are you crazy? 257 00:16:21,477 --> 00:16:22,478 aaugh! 258 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,481 whoa! ohh! 259 00:16:25,982 --> 00:16:26,949 oh! 260 00:16:26,949 --> 00:16:28,985 ohh! oww! mmm! 261 00:16:29,485 --> 00:16:30,486 little shot. thanks. 262 00:16:30,987 --> 00:16:31,988 oh, thank you. 263 00:16:32,488 --> 00:16:35,491 he was beating that poor, exhausted horse. 264 00:16:36,492 --> 00:16:37,960 oh, gee. 265 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,495 oh, he's not exhausted. 266 00:16:39,996 --> 00:16:42,081 here's the problem. ahh! 267 00:16:42,081 --> 00:16:43,582 see? 268 00:16:43,582 --> 00:16:44,884 neigh! 269 00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:48,504 come on, boy. you can get up. come on, fella. 270 00:16:49,005 --> 00:16:50,006 neigh! 271 00:16:50,506 --> 00:16:52,725 yay! yay! 272 00:16:57,513 --> 00:17:00,516 wait a minute. i know this horse. 273 00:17:00,516 --> 00:17:04,520 he used to be the fastest horse at the chariot races. 274 00:17:05,021 --> 00:17:07,023 his name is miracle. 275 00:17:07,023 --> 00:17:08,024 neigh! 276 00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:11,527 miracle? oh, what a beautiful name! 277 00:17:12,028 --> 00:17:13,529 what's yours? 278 00:17:13,529 --> 00:17:17,533 miracle--uh, comicus. i'm a standup philosopher. 279 00:17:17,616 --> 00:17:21,037 oh, i'm miriam. i'm a vestal virgin. 280 00:17:21,037 --> 00:17:24,040 i'm really sorry to hear that. 281 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,042 i work at the palace. 282 00:17:26,258 --> 00:17:28,044 we're going to be there! 283 00:17:28,044 --> 00:17:29,545 really? aah! 284 00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:31,013 whack! 285 00:17:31,013 --> 00:17:32,048 aaarugh! 286 00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:33,049 wow! 287 00:17:33,049 --> 00:17:35,051 put her there, pal. 288 00:17:35,051 --> 00:17:37,053 man, you saved my life! 289 00:17:37,053 --> 00:17:40,056 i'm comicus, standup philosopher. who are you? 290 00:17:40,056 --> 00:17:43,559 i'm josephus. i'm the main course at the colosseum. 291 00:17:43,559 --> 00:17:45,561 say hello to some friends-- 292 00:17:45,561 --> 00:17:47,563 my agent, swiftus lazarus. 293 00:17:47,563 --> 00:17:49,065 looked good, man. 294 00:17:49,065 --> 00:17:51,567 this is miriam, a vestal virgin. 295 00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,568 hi. 296 00:17:52,568 --> 00:17:53,569 hi. 297 00:17:53,569 --> 00:17:55,071 seize him! 298 00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,073 oh, seize this, honkus! 299 00:17:57,073 --> 00:17:59,575 don't say that to the cops! 300 00:17:59,575 --> 00:18:02,578 do you know the punishment for a slave 301 00:18:02,578 --> 00:18:04,580 who strikes a roman citizen? 302 00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:05,581 i do! 303 00:18:05,581 --> 00:18:08,584 ok. you. you had your hand up first. 304 00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:10,086 death by torture! 305 00:18:10,469 --> 00:18:12,088 no. you? 306 00:18:12,338 --> 00:18:13,589 crucifixion! 307 00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,091 wrong. 308 00:18:15,091 --> 00:18:17,593 they shove a living snake up your ass. 309 00:18:18,094 --> 00:18:21,597 ah, no, but that's very creative. uh, you. 310 00:18:21,597 --> 00:18:24,100 they send you to the lions! 311 00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:25,601 right! no! 312 00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:28,604 what do you mean, no? he was right! 313 00:18:29,071 --> 00:18:30,106 [royal fanfare] 314 00:18:30,606 --> 00:18:32,575 ahh! ooh! 315 00:18:33,609 --> 00:18:34,610 it's the empress! 316 00:18:35,111 --> 00:18:36,112 it's nympho! 317 00:18:36,112 --> 00:18:39,115 move that miserable piece of shit! 318 00:18:40,449 --> 00:18:42,118 yay! yay! 319 00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,632 halt! 320 00:18:56,632 --> 00:18:58,601 stop. 321 00:18:58,684 --> 00:19:00,136 could you please... 322 00:19:00,436 --> 00:19:04,640 step on the same foot at the same time? 323 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,642 my tits are falling off! 324 00:19:06,642 --> 00:19:08,644 empress nympho! empress nympho! 325 00:19:08,644 --> 00:19:11,147 miriam, what are you doing here? 326 00:19:11,147 --> 00:19:15,151 vestal virgins aren't allowed outside the palace without an escort. 327 00:19:15,151 --> 00:19:18,154 empress, this man just saved our lives, 328 00:19:18,621 --> 00:19:21,157 and now they want to kill him! 329 00:19:21,157 --> 00:19:23,159 we need your help! 330 00:19:23,159 --> 00:19:26,662 which one? the white guy or the colored guy? 331 00:19:26,662 --> 00:19:29,665 the colored--the slave. please spare his life! 332 00:19:29,665 --> 00:19:34,170 perhaps you can use him at the palace. he's truly gifted. 333 00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:36,172 gifted. bob? 334 00:19:36,172 --> 00:19:37,673 yes, your highness. 335 00:19:37,673 --> 00:19:39,175 oh, bob? 336 00:19:39,175 --> 00:19:43,179 do i have any openings that this man might fit? 337 00:19:43,179 --> 00:19:45,181 whoa! whoa! 338 00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:48,684 well, wecould use another wine steward. 339 00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,686 i got a great corkscrew. 340 00:19:50,686 --> 00:19:52,188 woo! woo! 341 00:19:52,188 --> 00:19:54,690 hey, this is a hip crowd. 342 00:19:54,690 --> 00:19:57,193 all right. we'll schlephim along! 343 00:19:57,193 --> 00:20:01,697 for the time being, we'll use him as a litter bearer. 344 00:20:01,697 --> 00:20:03,699 oh, thank you, your highness! 345 00:20:03,699 --> 00:20:05,701 oh, good, oh, good! 346 00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:07,703 good work, good work! 347 00:20:08,037 --> 00:20:10,039 litter bearers, prepare to move! 348 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:14,210 litter bearers, march! 349 00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:17,379 yay! yay! 350 00:20:19,715 --> 00:20:21,717 see you at the palace. 351 00:20:21,717 --> 00:20:23,219 good-bye. 352 00:20:23,219 --> 00:20:24,720 good-bye. 353 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,721 bye. 354 00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:28,224 hey, we got to go. 355 00:20:28,224 --> 00:20:30,226 we'll see you later. 356 00:20:30,226 --> 00:20:31,727 bye-bye! 357 00:20:49,245 --> 00:20:52,248 [royal fanfare] 358 00:20:57,253 --> 00:21:00,256 all hail caesar, emperor of rome, 359 00:21:00,256 --> 00:21:02,758 monarch of the roman empire, 360 00:21:02,758 --> 00:21:04,760 ruler of the world! 361 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,764 hail, caesar! hail, caesar! 362 00:21:08,764 --> 00:21:12,768 hail, caesar! hail, caesar! 363 00:21:12,768 --> 00:21:15,771 hail, caesar! hail, caesar! 364 00:21:15,771 --> 00:21:19,775 hail, caesar! hail, caesar! 365 00:21:19,775 --> 00:21:23,279 hail, caesar! hail, caesar! 366 00:21:23,779 --> 00:21:27,283 hail, caesar! hail, caesar! 367 00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:28,784 hail-- 368 00:21:28,784 --> 00:21:30,286 [burp!] 369 00:21:31,787 --> 00:21:33,789 ohh...ohh... 370 00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,128 [bthht!] 371 00:21:41,797 --> 00:21:43,299 [fanfare] 372 00:21:43,299 --> 00:21:44,800 [pfftt!] 373 00:21:50,806 --> 00:21:54,310 all hail the commander of his majesty's roman legions, 374 00:21:54,310 --> 00:21:57,813 the brave and noble marcus vindictus, 375 00:21:57,813 --> 00:22:01,317 who returns to rome after winning a great victory 376 00:22:01,317 --> 00:22:03,819 over the cretins at sparta. 377 00:22:06,322 --> 00:22:09,325 make that the spartans at crete! 378 00:22:13,829 --> 00:22:15,831 remember, thou art mortal. 379 00:22:15,831 --> 00:22:17,833 remember, thou art mortal. 380 00:22:17,833 --> 00:22:19,835 remember, thou art mortal. 381 00:22:19,835 --> 00:22:21,837 remember, thou art mortal. 382 00:22:21,837 --> 00:22:24,340 oh, blow it out your ass. 383 00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:25,341 ohh! 384 00:22:25,341 --> 00:22:26,809 oh, caesar-- 385 00:22:26,809 --> 00:22:27,843 [burp!] 386 00:22:28,344 --> 00:22:31,347 i have brought your illustrious name before the earth. 387 00:22:31,347 --> 00:22:34,350 i've subdued and conquered the barbaric hordes 388 00:22:34,350 --> 00:22:36,352 in the name of rome. 389 00:22:36,352 --> 00:22:38,854 i've penetrated into the farthest-- 390 00:22:38,854 --> 00:22:40,823 what's under the sheet? 391 00:22:40,906 --> 00:22:42,358 sheet? 392 00:22:42,358 --> 00:22:43,859 sheet! 393 00:22:43,859 --> 00:22:46,362 sheet! oh! oh, the sheet, yes. 394 00:22:46,362 --> 00:22:48,364 to begin with, number one-- 395 00:22:48,364 --> 00:22:50,366 a beautiful hand-carved alabaster... 396 00:22:50,366 --> 00:22:51,867 bathing vessel! 397 00:22:51,867 --> 00:22:53,869 nice. 398 00:22:53,869 --> 00:22:55,871 nice. 399 00:22:55,871 --> 00:22:58,874 not thrilling... but nice. 400 00:22:58,874 --> 00:23:02,378 aha! but to fill the tub, 401 00:23:02,378 --> 00:23:04,880 behind curtain number two, 402 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,383 treasure from the orient! 403 00:23:07,633 --> 00:23:09,885 [music playing] 404 00:23:09,885 --> 00:23:11,887 [applause] 405 00:23:12,271 --> 00:23:14,390 treasure... 406 00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:16,392 bathtub... 407 00:23:16,392 --> 00:23:17,893 treasure bath. 408 00:23:17,893 --> 00:23:20,896 i'm going to have a treasure bath! 409 00:23:20,896 --> 00:23:22,398 treasure bath! 410 00:23:22,398 --> 00:23:24,900 treasure bath! ha ha ha! 411 00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:26,869 ha ha ha! 412 00:23:29,405 --> 00:23:31,907 do it! do it to me! 413 00:23:31,907 --> 00:23:33,909 ha ha ha! 414 00:23:38,414 --> 00:23:41,417 oh, nympho. i would do anything, anything 415 00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:44,420 if you would only grant me your favors. 416 00:23:44,420 --> 00:23:48,424 how can i entice you? how can i ensnare you? 417 00:23:48,424 --> 00:23:51,927 what bait must i use to catch your love? 418 00:23:51,927 --> 00:23:53,929 i am your servant. 419 00:23:53,929 --> 00:23:55,931 ah, but the servant waits 420 00:23:55,931 --> 00:23:57,933 while the master bathes. 421 00:23:57,933 --> 00:23:59,435 yes-- 422 00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,439 hee hee hee-- 423 00:24:06,942 --> 00:24:08,944 ahh! ohh! 424 00:24:08,944 --> 00:24:10,446 here. wash this. 425 00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:13,449 uh, yes, sire. 426 00:24:14,950 --> 00:24:18,620 the muse...is upon me! 427 00:24:19,955 --> 00:24:21,457 thank you, caesar. 428 00:24:21,457 --> 00:24:22,958 all be quiet! 429 00:24:23,459 --> 00:24:25,961 his divine immortality has consented to favor us 430 00:24:26,462 --> 00:24:27,963 with a new poem. 431 00:24:28,464 --> 00:24:29,465 speak, 432 00:24:29,965 --> 00:24:30,966 oh, glorious caesar! 433 00:24:31,467 --> 00:24:32,468 speak. 434 00:24:32,468 --> 00:24:33,969 you faggot! 435 00:24:33,969 --> 00:24:35,971 oh, yes, sire. thank you. 436 00:24:35,971 --> 00:24:37,973 bring me a small lyre. 437 00:24:37,973 --> 00:24:39,475 small liar! 438 00:24:39,641 --> 00:24:42,478 i didn't do it! i wasn't even there! 439 00:24:42,478 --> 00:24:44,980 the check is in the mail! 440 00:24:44,980 --> 00:24:47,483 not that kind of liar! tmkd hnn audht! 441 00:24:47,983 --> 00:24:48,484 what? 442 00:24:48,984 --> 00:24:49,985 take him out! 443 00:24:50,486 --> 00:24:51,487 oh! 444 00:24:51,570 --> 00:24:53,989 miriam, wine! 445 00:24:55,991 --> 00:24:57,493 josephus, wine. 446 00:25:02,498 --> 00:25:03,499 say when. 447 00:25:03,999 --> 00:25:05,501 8:30. 448 00:25:10,506 --> 00:25:14,009 it's so lonely at the top of olympus! 449 00:25:15,511 --> 00:25:17,513 more women! more wine! 450 00:25:17,513 --> 00:25:19,014 more-- 451 00:25:22,017 --> 00:25:24,153 ha ha ha! 452 00:25:24,153 --> 00:25:26,655 ok, faggot! what's next? 453 00:25:26,939 --> 00:25:30,159 comicus, the new standup philosopher from vesuvius. 454 00:25:30,159 --> 00:25:31,660 good! 455 00:25:32,077 --> 00:25:34,613 i like a mountain comic! 456 00:25:34,613 --> 00:25:35,664 comicus... 457 00:25:35,664 --> 00:25:37,166 you're on. 458 00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:40,169 [playinghooray for hollywood] 459 00:25:44,173 --> 00:25:46,175 good evening, ladies and emperors. 460 00:25:46,175 --> 00:25:48,677 i just got back from venice, 461 00:25:48,677 --> 00:25:51,180 and, boy, are my arms tired. 462 00:25:51,180 --> 00:25:52,681 [rimshots] 463 00:25:52,681 --> 00:25:54,683 [pfftt!] ha ha ha! 464 00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:59,137 venice is a very old city, very wonderful, ancient city. 465 00:25:59,221 --> 00:26:01,190 you can learn a lot. 466 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,693 want to make a venetian blind? like this! 467 00:26:05,110 --> 00:26:07,196 ha ha ha! 468 00:26:07,563 --> 00:26:08,697 ha ha! 469 00:26:08,897 --> 00:26:12,651 have you all heard about this new sect, the christians? 470 00:26:12,734 --> 00:26:14,703 they are a laugh riot. 471 00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:16,705 first, they are so poor... 472 00:26:16,705 --> 00:26:18,707 how poor are they? 473 00:26:18,707 --> 00:26:21,210 thank you. they are so poor... 474 00:26:21,210 --> 00:26:23,712 that they have only one god! 475 00:26:23,712 --> 00:26:25,214 ha ha! ha ha! 476 00:26:25,214 --> 00:26:26,215 [rimshots] 477 00:26:26,415 --> 00:26:28,166 ho ho ho! 478 00:26:28,250 --> 00:26:32,221 we romans are rich. we got a god for everything, 479 00:26:32,221 --> 00:26:35,724 only we don't have a god for premature ejaculation... 480 00:26:35,724 --> 00:26:38,727 but i hear that that's coming quickly. 481 00:26:38,727 --> 00:26:40,679 ho ho! ho ho! ooh! 482 00:26:40,762 --> 00:26:43,232 the little fag gets it. ha ha! 483 00:26:43,232 --> 00:26:44,733 terrific. terrific. 484 00:26:45,017 --> 00:26:47,236 let's face it. what's the rage? 485 00:26:47,236 --> 00:26:49,738 losing weight is all the rage. 486 00:26:49,738 --> 00:26:53,242 everybody in rome is either in a steam room 487 00:26:53,242 --> 00:26:54,743 or a vomitarium. 488 00:26:54,743 --> 00:26:57,246 half of rome is either cooking or puking! 489 00:26:57,746 --> 00:27:00,249 cooking or puking! ha ha ha! 490 00:27:00,249 --> 00:27:02,751 but you can't blame these people 491 00:27:02,751 --> 00:27:04,753 for wanting to be thin. 492 00:27:04,753 --> 00:27:08,257 who wants to look like a big fat pig? 493 00:27:08,674 --> 00:27:10,759 oh! oh! 494 00:27:11,043 --> 00:27:13,262 did he say "big fat pig"? 495 00:27:13,262 --> 00:27:15,264 yes, he did, sire. 496 00:27:15,264 --> 00:27:17,266 did he mean me? 497 00:27:17,266 --> 00:27:18,717 i believe so. 498 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,269 get off the fat jokes! 499 00:27:20,769 --> 00:27:23,272 get off fat! get off fat! 500 00:27:23,272 --> 00:27:25,274 f--no fat. n--no. 501 00:27:25,274 --> 00:27:28,277 uh, there's two jews got off--no. 502 00:27:28,277 --> 00:27:29,778 uh, syrian--[pfftt!] 503 00:27:29,778 --> 00:27:31,280 uh...no, uh... 504 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,282 politics, politics, politics, politics! 505 00:27:33,282 --> 00:27:35,284 politics! yes! the roman senate. 506 00:27:35,284 --> 00:27:38,287 the roman senate is the best legislature 507 00:27:38,287 --> 00:27:40,289 that money can buy! 508 00:27:40,289 --> 00:27:42,291 corruption starts in the streets 509 00:27:42,291 --> 00:27:44,293 with the little peddlers. 510 00:27:44,543 --> 00:27:47,296 they bribe an assemblyman, he bribes a councilman, 511 00:27:47,296 --> 00:27:50,299 the councilman bribes a senator, and the senator... 512 00:27:50,299 --> 00:27:52,801 it goes all the way to the emperor! 513 00:27:53,168 --> 00:27:54,920 shit! 514 00:27:57,306 --> 00:27:59,308 kill him! 515 00:27:59,508 --> 00:28:00,809 taxi! 516 00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:02,811 wait! no autographs, no autographs! 517 00:28:03,145 --> 00:28:04,313 seize him! 518 00:28:04,396 --> 00:28:06,064 seize him! 519 00:28:07,065 --> 00:28:08,317 more wine! 520 00:28:08,317 --> 00:28:09,768 more wine. 521 00:28:09,851 --> 00:28:11,320 [burp] 522 00:28:11,486 --> 00:28:14,323 boy, when you die at the palace, 523 00:28:14,323 --> 00:28:17,326 you really die 524 00:28:17,326 --> 00:28:20,329 aah! arrgh! aah! 525 00:28:22,831 --> 00:28:24,333 oops? 526 00:28:24,333 --> 00:28:26,335 aarrrrghhh! 527 00:28:26,335 --> 00:28:27,336 k... 528 00:28:27,669 --> 00:28:28,837 kill him, too! 529 00:28:28,837 --> 00:28:31,206 please, empress, save them! 530 00:28:36,345 --> 00:28:37,346 wait! 531 00:28:37,346 --> 00:28:40,849 ah! i've just had a wonderful idea! 532 00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:43,352 what was my idea? 533 00:28:44,853 --> 00:28:46,355 oh, yes! 534 00:28:46,355 --> 00:28:49,358 let these two fools fight each other 535 00:28:49,358 --> 00:28:51,360 to the death during dessert! 536 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,862 ha ha ha! 537 00:28:53,862 --> 00:28:55,364 mmm! 538 00:28:55,364 --> 00:28:58,367 ha ha ha! 539 00:29:00,369 --> 00:29:04,373 we who are about to-- boo hoo hoo--die 540 00:29:04,873 --> 00:29:06,742 salute you! 541 00:29:07,793 --> 00:29:09,378 salute. 542 00:29:12,381 --> 00:29:14,833 all right. all right, i'm sorry. 543 00:29:14,916 --> 00:29:17,386 i'm sorry. excuse me. 544 00:29:17,886 --> 00:29:19,388 thank you. 545 00:29:21,390 --> 00:29:24,393 i never killed another human being in my life, 546 00:29:24,893 --> 00:29:26,895 but you got to start sometime! 547 00:29:27,396 --> 00:29:28,397 oooh! 548 00:29:28,397 --> 00:29:30,899 oooh! maniac! 549 00:29:30,899 --> 00:29:32,401 hey! wait! watch it! 550 00:29:32,901 --> 00:29:33,902 wait! 551 00:29:34,403 --> 00:29:36,405 isn't that lena horne over there? 552 00:29:40,909 --> 00:29:42,411 [laughter] 553 00:29:42,411 --> 00:29:43,412 ah! oh! 554 00:29:43,912 --> 00:29:45,914 oh, emperor, spare this poor man. 555 00:29:46,415 --> 00:29:48,917 he has fought so bravely for your amusement. 556 00:29:48,917 --> 00:29:51,420 let him... 557 00:29:51,420 --> 00:29:52,921 oh! oh! 558 00:29:53,371 --> 00:29:55,424 die. 559 00:29:55,924 --> 00:29:58,376 oh! oh! 560 00:29:58,460 --> 00:30:00,929 tough shit. 561 00:30:01,046 --> 00:30:02,681 oooh! please! 562 00:30:02,681 --> 00:30:05,684 oh, please, buddy. 563 00:30:05,684 --> 00:30:06,935 ooh! 564 00:30:06,935 --> 00:30:10,439 ah ya ya ya ya! 565 00:30:10,555 --> 00:30:11,940 aah! easy! 566 00:30:11,940 --> 00:30:13,442 oh, i can't do it! 567 00:30:13,942 --> 00:30:17,446 take the shield. we'll fight our way out. 568 00:30:17,562 --> 00:30:20,198 guards, destroy them! 569 00:30:24,953 --> 00:30:29,958 you're the first white person i even considered liking. 570 00:30:36,631 --> 00:30:38,467 oh, the tide is turning. 571 00:30:38,467 --> 00:30:40,969 hold it right there. 572 00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:43,472 in the name of caesar-- 573 00:30:43,472 --> 00:30:44,973 [whistles] 574 00:30:45,474 --> 00:30:47,008 the rope! 575 00:30:48,477 --> 00:30:49,478 aah! 576 00:30:49,978 --> 00:30:52,481 [emperor] no! your hands are cold! 577 00:30:54,483 --> 00:30:56,985 find them! capture them! 578 00:30:57,486 --> 00:30:58,487 kill them! 579 00:30:58,987 --> 00:30:59,488 [clucking] 580 00:30:59,988 --> 00:31:00,989 wash this! 581 00:31:01,490 --> 00:31:02,491 whoa! 582 00:31:02,991 --> 00:31:03,775 oh! 583 00:31:08,497 --> 00:31:09,498 oh! 584 00:31:09,998 --> 00:31:11,500 oh, it's you. 585 00:31:12,033 --> 00:31:14,002 this way, men! 586 00:31:49,037 --> 00:31:50,038 all right! 587 00:31:50,539 --> 00:31:51,540 forget that shit. 588 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:53,542 i almost fell. 589 00:31:55,043 --> 00:31:57,045 virgins, fall out! 590 00:31:57,546 --> 00:31:59,047 oh! oh! oh! 591 00:32:00,549 --> 00:32:02,500 competence, 592 00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:05,053 oh, competence, tell me. 593 00:32:05,554 --> 00:32:09,558 what will happen to those two rogues when they are caught? 594 00:32:10,058 --> 00:32:12,561 if they're captured, they're hung. 595 00:32:12,561 --> 00:32:14,563 not necessarily. 596 00:32:16,064 --> 00:32:18,233 my goodness! 597 00:32:22,571 --> 00:32:24,573 where are you leading me? 598 00:32:24,573 --> 00:32:26,575 to the reviewing stand. 599 00:32:26,575 --> 00:32:28,577 you must choose your escorts 600 00:32:28,577 --> 00:32:30,745 for the midnight orgy. 601 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:33,081 send them in. 602 00:32:33,081 --> 00:32:35,250 quickly, march! 603 00:32:38,587 --> 00:32:40,589 arms rest! 604 00:32:43,592 --> 00:32:46,094 very nice selection. 605 00:32:47,596 --> 00:32:51,099 i'm going to start on this end. 606 00:32:52,100 --> 00:32:53,602 hmmm. 607 00:32:53,602 --> 00:32:55,604 ## yes! ## 608 00:32:55,604 --> 00:32:58,106 ## no, no, no, no, no, no ## 609 00:32:58,106 --> 00:33:00,108 ## yes! no, no, no, no, no, no ## 610 00:33:00,108 --> 00:33:02,611 ## yes, no, no, yes ## 611 00:33:02,861 --> 00:33:07,115 ## no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes! ## 612 00:33:07,282 --> 00:33:09,784 ## no, no, no, no, no, no, yes! ## 613 00:33:09,784 --> 00:33:12,120 ## no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ## 614 00:33:12,537 --> 00:33:15,624 ## no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ## 615 00:33:15,957 --> 00:33:17,125 wait a minute! 616 00:33:17,492 --> 00:33:22,130 ## yes! #### 617 00:33:22,130 --> 00:33:23,632 ole! 618 00:33:25,634 --> 00:33:27,135 that'll be all. 619 00:33:27,585 --> 00:33:29,671 quick time harch! 620 00:33:35,644 --> 00:33:38,146 i love quick time harch. 621 00:33:40,515 --> 00:33:41,650 where are we? 622 00:33:41,650 --> 00:33:43,151 don't worry. 623 00:33:49,658 --> 00:33:51,159 who's that? 624 00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:58,166 quick. hide behind the drape. 625 00:34:00,168 --> 00:34:04,172 i liked your choices. you made some very big decisions. 626 00:34:04,172 --> 00:34:06,508 thank you. 627 00:34:06,508 --> 00:34:09,678 stick together. they couldn't have gotten far. 628 00:34:09,794 --> 00:34:11,179 halt! 629 00:34:12,547 --> 00:34:13,682 all right, virgins, 630 00:34:13,682 --> 00:34:16,134 put on your "no entry" signs. 631 00:34:16,217 --> 00:34:17,686 [giggling] 632 00:34:19,521 --> 00:34:23,692 we are about to confront...guys! 633 00:34:29,197 --> 00:34:31,199 how dare you? 634 00:34:31,199 --> 00:34:34,703 no men may search the empress' quarters. 635 00:34:34,703 --> 00:34:36,705 as you wish. 636 00:34:36,705 --> 00:34:38,707 you're beautiful when you-- 637 00:34:38,707 --> 00:34:40,875 shove it! 638 00:34:42,711 --> 00:34:44,713 speak up, mucus! 639 00:34:44,713 --> 00:34:45,714 eunuch. 640 00:34:45,714 --> 00:34:47,716 [speaking italian] 641 00:34:47,716 --> 00:34:48,717 ...caca. 642 00:34:48,717 --> 00:34:50,218 what? 643 00:34:50,502 --> 00:34:54,222 that slave over there. he looks rather puny. 644 00:34:56,224 --> 00:34:58,226 when eunuchs are castrated, 645 00:34:58,226 --> 00:35:00,228 don't they become enormous? 646 00:35:00,595 --> 00:35:03,231 it's josephus, your wine steward. 647 00:35:03,231 --> 00:35:04,733 please help him. 648 00:35:04,733 --> 00:35:07,235 [coughs] 649 00:35:07,235 --> 00:35:10,238 you have to give him some time. 650 00:35:10,238 --> 00:35:12,240 he has just been snipped. 651 00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:13,742 ooh! oh! 652 00:35:13,742 --> 00:35:17,245 if he is truly a eunuch like the others, 653 00:35:17,245 --> 00:35:20,248 there would be no harm to take the test. 654 00:35:20,248 --> 00:35:21,750 test? 655 00:35:21,750 --> 00:35:23,251 test? 656 00:35:23,585 --> 00:35:25,253 [high voice] test? 657 00:35:26,755 --> 00:35:28,256 hmpf! 658 00:35:28,256 --> 00:35:29,758 test. 659 00:35:29,758 --> 00:35:33,261 eunuchs! come down here. 660 00:35:34,763 --> 00:35:39,267 let us have caladonia do her highly erotic temple dance 661 00:35:39,267 --> 00:35:41,770 in praise of eros. 662 00:35:41,770 --> 00:35:45,774 and if all these creatures are indeed eunuchs... 663 00:35:45,774 --> 00:35:48,276 hmm hmm hmm! 664 00:35:48,276 --> 00:35:50,779 then nothing should arise. 665 00:35:50,779 --> 00:35:52,280 get it? 666 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:53,782 [bang] 667 00:35:53,782 --> 00:35:55,283 [whimper] 668 00:35:55,283 --> 00:35:56,785 caladonia! 669 00:35:56,785 --> 00:36:00,288 caladonia! let's make their big heads so hard! 670 00:36:27,599 --> 00:36:28,817 he's a eunuch. 671 00:36:28,817 --> 00:36:30,735 yeah. 672 00:36:42,580 --> 00:36:44,833 he is a eunuch. 673 00:36:57,929 --> 00:37:00,265 he's dead. 674 00:37:09,974 --> 00:37:11,726 he'll never survive! 675 00:37:22,370 --> 00:37:24,372 ooh! oh! oh! 676 00:37:24,372 --> 00:37:26,739 the jig is up! 677 00:37:26,739 --> 00:37:27,874 and gone! 678 00:37:28,875 --> 00:37:30,376 after him! 679 00:37:30,376 --> 00:37:33,212 go on, men, get him! 680 00:37:33,212 --> 00:37:34,881 quick. back through the corridor. 681 00:37:34,881 --> 00:37:36,883 he's heading for the senate. 682 00:37:36,883 --> 00:37:39,886 we can meet him near the cloak room. 683 00:37:58,187 --> 00:38:01,407 in pectorum, quid pro quo. 684 00:38:01,407 --> 00:38:04,410 in pecuniam, sic transit gloria. 685 00:38:04,410 --> 00:38:07,580 i didn't know gloria was sick. 686 00:38:07,580 --> 00:38:08,915 where is he? 687 00:38:08,915 --> 00:38:11,918 don't worry. he has to come this way. 688 00:38:11,918 --> 00:38:13,920 he should have been here. 689 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,122 the senate is in session. 690 00:38:16,122 --> 00:38:19,709 all fellow members of the roman senate, hear me. 691 00:38:19,709 --> 00:38:22,428 shall we continue to build palace after palace 692 00:38:22,428 --> 00:38:23,930 for the rich, 693 00:38:23,930 --> 00:38:27,433 or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose 694 00:38:27,433 --> 00:38:29,936 and build housing for the poor? 695 00:38:29,936 --> 00:38:32,271 how does the senate vote? 696 00:38:32,271 --> 00:38:35,441 fuck the poor! 697 00:38:35,441 --> 00:38:37,226 good. 698 00:38:41,447 --> 00:38:43,065 oh! josephus. 699 00:38:43,065 --> 00:38:46,953 the man was dead when i got there, i swear! 700 00:38:46,953 --> 00:38:49,956 where you been? who was dead? 701 00:38:49,956 --> 00:38:52,959 how do we get out of here? 702 00:38:52,959 --> 00:38:54,460 put this on. 703 00:38:54,460 --> 00:38:57,964 i'll find swiftus then meet you at the theater. 704 00:38:57,964 --> 00:39:01,083 the theater just across from the baths. 705 00:39:01,083 --> 00:39:02,585 good-bye. 706 00:39:02,585 --> 00:39:04,470 stop with the good-byes! 707 00:39:04,470 --> 00:39:08,391 if we do escape, will you come with us? 708 00:39:08,391 --> 00:39:10,142 of course. 709 00:39:10,142 --> 00:39:11,978 of course. of course! 710 00:39:11,978 --> 00:39:13,479 good-bye. 711 00:39:13,479 --> 00:39:15,982 of course! she's coming with us! 712 00:39:15,982 --> 00:39:17,984 she's coming with us. 713 00:39:18,401 --> 00:39:20,486 there's some of the senators. 714 00:39:20,486 --> 00:39:23,489 right behind these guys. here we go. 715 00:39:23,489 --> 00:39:24,991 bullshit. 716 00:39:24,991 --> 00:39:26,492 bullshit. 717 00:39:40,006 --> 00:39:42,008 give to oedipus! 718 00:39:42,008 --> 00:39:44,010 [bang] 719 00:39:44,010 --> 00:39:46,512 give to oedipus! 720 00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:48,014 [bang] 721 00:39:48,014 --> 00:39:50,016 hey, josephus! 722 00:39:50,016 --> 00:39:51,517 hey, motherfucker. 723 00:39:53,019 --> 00:39:55,021 ## funkytown ## 724 00:39:55,521 --> 00:39:57,023 ## won't you take me to ## 725 00:39:57,023 --> 00:39:59,025 ## funkytown? ## 726 00:39:59,025 --> 00:40:01,027 ## won't you take me to ## 727 00:40:01,027 --> 00:40:02,528 ## funkytown? #### 728 00:40:16,876 --> 00:40:20,546 they should have been here over 30 grains ago! 729 00:40:22,548 --> 00:40:24,050 what could be keeping them? 730 00:40:24,467 --> 00:40:26,168 i don't know. 731 00:40:27,803 --> 00:40:30,556 there they are! come on! 732 00:40:30,556 --> 00:40:32,058 come on. 733 00:40:32,058 --> 00:40:34,060 now, hurry. walk this way. 734 00:40:44,570 --> 00:40:47,356 hurry. get into these trojan costumes. 735 00:40:49,575 --> 00:40:52,078 ...punching a hole in the left. 736 00:40:52,078 --> 00:40:55,081 keep punching a hole in the right. 737 00:40:55,081 --> 00:40:57,783 keep punching a hole, let's fight! 738 00:40:58,584 --> 00:41:01,587 relax. casual. casual. 739 00:41:01,587 --> 00:41:04,590 no matter what happens, don't panic. 740 00:41:04,590 --> 00:41:06,425 don't panic. 741 00:41:06,425 --> 00:41:09,595 keep punching a hole in the left. 742 00:41:09,595 --> 00:41:11,597 keep punching a hole in the right. 743 00:41:12,098 --> 00:41:13,599 there they are! 744 00:41:13,599 --> 00:41:15,101 panic! 745 00:41:15,101 --> 00:41:16,602 oh! aah! 746 00:41:16,602 --> 00:41:19,605 keep punching a hole in the left. 747 00:41:19,605 --> 00:41:21,607 keep punching a hole... 748 00:41:23,609 --> 00:41:26,112 captain mucus! let's get after them. 749 00:41:26,112 --> 00:41:28,114 you take the left flank. 750 00:41:28,114 --> 00:41:29,615 [bang] 751 00:41:29,615 --> 00:41:33,619 don't you know your left flank from your right flank? 752 00:41:33,619 --> 00:41:35,121 i flunked flank. 753 00:41:35,121 --> 00:41:37,623 get the funk out of here. 754 00:41:42,128 --> 00:41:43,629 here. this way. 755 00:41:51,053 --> 00:41:55,141 chemist, help me. i'm looking for a pack of trojans. 756 00:41:55,141 --> 00:41:57,426 gee, i just ran out. 757 00:41:57,426 --> 00:42:00,146 captain mucus. 758 00:42:00,146 --> 00:42:02,731 captain mucus, have you found anything? 759 00:42:02,731 --> 00:42:04,733 nothing, commander, nothing! 760 00:42:04,733 --> 00:42:07,153 search all the marketplaces, the square. 761 00:42:07,153 --> 00:42:10,656 half you men search that area over there. 762 00:42:10,656 --> 00:42:13,659 and the others will run with mucus. 763 00:42:17,613 --> 00:42:20,666 we've got to get out of rome. 764 00:42:20,666 --> 00:42:22,168 but how? 765 00:42:22,168 --> 00:42:24,336 the streets are crawling with soldiers. 766 00:42:27,957 --> 00:42:31,177 oh, we'll never get out of rome. 767 00:42:31,177 --> 00:42:33,379 only a miracle can save us. 768 00:42:33,379 --> 00:42:35,681 neigh! 769 00:42:35,681 --> 00:42:37,183 miracle! 770 00:42:37,183 --> 00:42:38,684 miracle! 771 00:42:38,684 --> 00:42:39,552 miracle! 772 00:42:39,552 --> 00:42:41,103 neigh! 773 00:42:41,103 --> 00:42:43,189 we must get to that wagon. 774 00:42:43,189 --> 00:42:44,857 wait here. 775 00:42:44,857 --> 00:42:47,059 [whinny] 776 00:42:47,059 --> 00:42:49,695 come on. hurry! 777 00:42:57,703 --> 00:42:58,704 aha! 778 00:42:58,821 --> 00:43:01,207 no, you don't! 779 00:43:03,626 --> 00:43:05,377 ha ha! ha ha ha! 780 00:43:05,377 --> 00:43:06,662 oh, my god! 781 00:43:06,662 --> 00:43:09,882 i'm fighting with cardboard! 782 00:43:09,882 --> 00:43:11,584 good-bye, head! 783 00:43:11,584 --> 00:43:13,886 hello, balls! 784 00:43:13,886 --> 00:43:15,221 oh! ah! oh! 785 00:43:15,721 --> 00:43:16,722 ahh haa haa! 786 00:43:17,172 --> 00:43:18,390 come on, comicus! 787 00:43:18,390 --> 00:43:20,643 waa! 788 00:43:20,643 --> 00:43:21,727 hurry, take off! 789 00:43:22,228 --> 00:43:24,230 let's go, miracle! 790 00:43:29,735 --> 00:43:30,736 what-- commander. 791 00:43:31,237 --> 00:43:32,238 where are they? 792 00:43:32,738 --> 00:43:34,240 [high voice] get the horses! 793 00:43:34,740 --> 00:43:37,243 get the chariots. get the men. 794 00:43:37,743 --> 00:43:39,245 onward! 795 00:43:39,745 --> 00:43:42,581 get me an ice pack. hurry! 796 00:43:45,668 --> 00:43:46,752 where you going? 797 00:43:46,752 --> 00:43:48,420 i don't know! 798 00:43:56,262 --> 00:43:59,265 uh-oh. here come the bad guys. 799 00:43:59,765 --> 00:44:03,269 come on, miracle, hurry. they're gaining on us. 800 00:44:03,769 --> 00:44:04,770 hurry! 801 00:44:05,271 --> 00:44:07,556 come on, miracle. go, boy! 802 00:44:07,556 --> 00:44:09,892 come on! we're gaining on them! 803 00:44:09,892 --> 00:44:12,695 they're gaining on us! 804 00:44:12,695 --> 00:44:15,314 come on, miracle! 805 00:44:15,314 --> 00:44:19,285 go, boy, go! stretch out those long white legs! 806 00:44:22,788 --> 00:44:26,742 we're pulling away! we're losing them! 807 00:44:26,742 --> 00:44:29,295 ya! ya! 808 00:44:29,295 --> 00:44:33,165 quickly! go to the left! go to the right! 809 00:44:33,165 --> 00:44:34,800 stop! 810 00:44:39,805 --> 00:44:41,307 i smell something familiar! 811 00:44:41,807 --> 00:44:43,809 yes! yes! i got an idea! 812 00:44:44,310 --> 00:44:45,811 pull over! 813 00:44:46,312 --> 00:44:47,813 pull over! 814 00:44:49,898 --> 00:44:51,317 i knew i smelled something. 815 00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:54,103 are you crazy? they're right behind us! 816 00:44:54,103 --> 00:44:55,821 the nose knows. 817 00:44:56,322 --> 00:44:58,324 what the heck is he-- 818 00:44:58,524 --> 00:45:00,826 why is he picking flowers? 819 00:45:00,826 --> 00:45:02,328 roman red. 820 00:45:02,328 --> 00:45:03,696 roman red? 821 00:45:03,696 --> 00:45:06,915 a whole field of wacky weed. 822 00:45:06,915 --> 00:45:08,283 he's picking weeds! 823 00:45:08,283 --> 00:45:11,837 papyrus. rolling papyrus. 824 00:45:12,338 --> 00:45:13,839 paper! paper! 825 00:45:13,839 --> 00:45:16,342 what kind of paper? like this? 826 00:45:16,342 --> 00:45:17,843 that's good. 827 00:45:19,345 --> 00:45:22,631 e-z widers. these people don't know the value. 828 00:45:22,631 --> 00:45:24,466 josephus, hurry! 829 00:45:35,060 --> 00:45:36,362 hold this. 830 00:45:36,362 --> 00:45:38,364 yes, indeed! 831 00:45:38,364 --> 00:45:40,366 they'll be here any minute! 832 00:45:40,366 --> 00:45:44,370 not to worry. we are now armed with mighty joint. 833 00:45:44,370 --> 00:45:45,871 mighty joint? 834 00:45:45,871 --> 00:45:48,040 let's go, miracle! 835 00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,492 hurry! you've got to catch them! 836 00:45:52,578 --> 00:45:54,046 quickly! after them! 52589