Original subtitles

All right!

Yes! From home to the hospital in seven minutes!

Yes. The hard part is truly over.

We're off to a great start, aren't we?

I knew I'd get here fast, but this has to be a record!

- Oh, you made it! - Hi.

- How the hell did you beat us here? - We took a cab. Did you walk?

No, we took a cab too. But I did test runs...

- Hi. - Hey, you made it!

Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?

Ross, you stay here and talk. I'm gonna go have a baby.

Okay. Hi, this is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We called from the car.

We have a semi-private labor room waiting...

Oh, whoa! I'm sorry. Semi-private? We asked for a private room.

Yes, I see that here. We can't guarantee a private room.

- Currently, they're all unavailable. - Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.

I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.

Okay. Just give us a second. Ross?

Yeah?

- Give her some money. - I really think they're out of rooms.

They're saving them for important people! What if I was the president?

We'd be in a lot of trouble. You don't know where any countries are.

Okay.

Say, would you mind checking again?

See if any, uh, private rooms may have opened up?

This is a hospital.

You know what? I don't really care for your tone.

This is not the only hospital in the city. We have no problem... Whoa. Oh, gosh!

- What, what? - Contraction! Ow! Ow!

- Oh! - Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ooh, ooh.

- Like to see a semi-private room? - Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.

You're 2 centimeters dilated. We need to get to 10.

- It will be a while. - Oh, okay.

- I'll be back in an hour to check on you. - Thank you.

- I guess we have some time to kill. - Yeah, guess so.

- Oh, check these out. - Oh.

Never done this before.

Yeah, well, it looks great.

Thank you very much. I think we're ready to...

Hi, I'm Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.

- Not at all. Marc Horger. My wife, Julie. - Don't worry about it.

- Hi, Julie. This is Rachel. - Oh, hi, Rachel.

- Is this your first? - It is.

- Well, little Jamie here is our third. - Wow.

So if you have any questions, just holler.

- That's so sweet. - Yeah.

- Let me give you guys some privacy. - Nonsense. We're all in this together.

We are gonna share every moment of this with you.

- I think we're gonna have some fun. - Yeah.

- Oh, okay, I guess. - Hey, smile!

- No. - I really don't want any...

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Ross. Here comes another contraction.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh... - Okay, just breathe...

- Oh, honey, I think I'm having one too! - Oh, my God!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow. - Oh, oh, oh.

- Hey, look at this. Here you go! - Oh, no!

Oh, wow. Three hours and still no baby.

Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze-fest.

- Hey, you wanna see something? - Sure. What?

This will be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler.

- Honey? - Yeah?

Listen, uh, I've been doing some thinking...

...and I don't know whether it's because we're here...

...or Rachel's giving birth...

...but, um, I think we should try to have a baby.

Okay.

What's that now?

Okay. I've been thinking about it too. I think we're ready.

Are you kidding? You think we're ready to have a baby?

Oh, this is fun.

You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up!

You said you were ready.

I was screwing with you to get your voice high and weird...

...like mine is now!

Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid forever?

Okay, just back oh', mister!

Because I am ready to have a baby.

I just want Joey to be the father.

- What? Are you crazy? - Right there! That's all I wanted!

I'm sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.

Oh, that's very... Really, very, very okay.

Julie's cervix is dilated 7 centimeters. That's about four fingers!

- Doctor let me feel it. - Have you felt Rachel's?

- No, I don't... - We won't be doing that.

Well, you could feel Rachel's, then feel mine to compare.

- Am I interrupting? - Yes! Thank you!

- No, no... - Later.

- You can't leave me with them. - Sorry.

No, Ross, Ross? Ross? My child has no father!

I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while. I wish you'd called first.

- I'm coming back later with your father. - Oh, good.

- I need to talk to you before the birth. - Okay. What's up?

I brought something that I want to give you.

Assuming, of course, that you want it.

Ma, you're asking me to marry you?

Your grandma's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.

- Mom, no. Come on. Thank you... - Just hear me out...

No! Okay? We're not getting married because she's pregnant.

Honestly, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped.

A child should have a family.

I can't deal with this now. I'm sorry.

Think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.

Give me that.

- Hi, dear. - Hi. Thank you so much for coming.

Ross, get in here!

She dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.

Yeah.

- Why aren't you with Rachel? - Are you kidding?

We're not gonna be together because we're having a baby.

It seems you belong together.

I can't deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.

Right. And with who again?

He's crazy. Why doesn't he wanna be with Rachel?

I know.

She's like the perfect woman. I know she turned me down...

...but if she wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and...

I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Who's that? - New people.

What happened to the Disgustingtons?

They're having their baby. It's not fair, Ross. I got here first!

After you left, they wheeled her off.

Not before she gave me a nice, juicy shot of little Jamie, crowning away.

- Wow. Sorry. - Ugh.

So, uh, how are the new people?

Well, they have some unusual pet names for each other.

Including, um, "Evil Bitch" and, uh, "Sick Bastard."

- Oh, gosh, a contraction. Ooh, ow! - Yeah? Okay, okay. Just breathe.

- Are you looking at her? - No!

- Don't look at her, you sick bastard! - I swear I wasn't looking at her!

She's in labor. You like that, you sick son of a bitch?

I'm just gonna...

See? It's because you were looking, you fat pervert.

No, no. I'm sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy.

You miss your girlfriend?

- Just ignore them. - Ugh.

- You okay? - Yeah.

- Ross. - What?

- He's looking at me. - Hey!

Wanna live to see your baby?

Don't you talk to my husband like that, you stupid bastard!

Oh, good God! If you want a baby so bad, just go steal it!

Since when are you so crazy about babies?

I'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us.

What?

We talk about having babies someday, not now...

...but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good.

We're really good.

We are pretty good.

But nothing has to happen until you're ready.

Well, maybe I'm ready now.

I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right.

It's not right! We're not ready for a kid!

- What? - I'm kidding. This is gonna be fun.

So we're gonna try? I mean, we're trying?

We're trying to get pregnant.

Mm.

I'm not comfortable doing this in front of the babies.

- So when do you want to start trying? - All right, hold on a sec.

- Period math? - Yeah.

Well, we could start trying now.

- Right here? - No, not here.

Maybe here.

We got time to kill. We're in a building that's full of beds!

And it's so clean!

Come on, you stupid machine! Come on!

- Aw, it ate your money? - No.

- I'll see you downstairs then. - All right.

All right.

Hey, I got one! I got one!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, up or down'? - Oh. Down, please.

I hate to be a ball-buster, but can I just do it?

- Could you press up too? - Sure.

- I feel bad. I broke my leg once too. - How did yours happen?

It's a long, embarrassing story.

Let's just say, there was a typographical error with a sex manual.

- How about you? - Car accident.

- Idiot on a cell not paying attention? - Yeah. Me.

- Oh, hey, that's me. - Okay.

Hey, uh, I take it you're just visiting someone.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, um, if you have some time, and you wanna visit someone else...

Yeah. I would like that.

- Great. I'm in room... - Wait! What? No! Elevator! No!

You gotta press the button.

They're bringing in another woman.

Ugh. Is she pregnant yet?

She doesn't need to be. She'll still have the baby before I do.

- Oh, Ross! Another contraction. - Oh, okay. Here, here.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ow, ooh, ow! - That's it.

- Oh, that sounded like a bad one. - Yeah, it was.

Mine haven't been so bad. Oh, here comes one now.

Mm, mm.

Oh, that was a big one.

Could you help me'? The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg.

He's in a wheelchair. He's early to mid-30$, very attractive.

- I know who you're talking about. - Yay! Great! What room is he in?

Sorry. That information is restricted.

- She's with me. Dr. Drake Ramoray. - Dr. Drake who?

Ramoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information. I'm a doctor.

- At this hospital? - Damn it! We're losing precious time.

You want this man's blood on your head...

- Hands. - Hands.

It is essential that you tell me what room he is staying in.

He's a patient of mine.

- He's in room 816. - 816. Thank you.

- And what is his name? - No.

- I think we found a place. - Okay.

- Wait. Wanna set the mood a little? - Okay.

- We'll dim the lights. - Okay.

Or turn them out altogether.

Uh, no scented candles. Okay, here. There we go.

Okay, okay. Making me sterile, but okay.

Okay. I'm sorry. Oh, wait. Do we have a condom?

Oh, right! Ha, ha.

Yes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine.

Ooh, this is it!

- That's him! - Great. Go get him!

Wait a second. Or maybe you could go in first.

He's not really my type.

Not you. Dr. Ramoray. Ask him questions and see what he's like.

- People tell doctors everything. - You said he's great.

Guys I meet seem nice at first, then turn out to be big jerks.

- You do attract some stinkers. - I know.

Dr. Long, I've been at this for 17 hours.

Three women have had their babies.

Give me good news. How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

- Three. - Just 3?

I'm dilated 3!

We are moving along slowly. Don't worry, you're doing great.

- I'll be back soon. - Thank you.

I'm not waiting. I'm gonna push this baby out.

I'm doing it. Three centimeters. That's gotta be like this, right?

- Actually, it's more like this. - Oh, stupid metric system.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

We'll take you straight to the delivery room.

Oh, for the love of God!

I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray. I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.

I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.

I know. I'm a neurologist. To be safe...

...Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview. So he sent me.

Dr. Wells is a woman.

That was a test. Good response.

- All right. Uh, full name? - Clifford Burnett.

- Date of birth? - November 16, 1968.

Age?

- Can't you figure that out? - I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

- I'm 33. - Okay.

- And, uh, are you married? - No.

Oh, really? So 33 and single? Would you say you have commitment issues?

Are all the questions this personal?

Yes.

Well, if you must know, I'm a widower.

- Oh, that's terrible. I'm really sorry. - Yeah.

Do you sleep with women and never call them again?

- No. - Excellent. Excellent.

And, uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff, you know, sexually?

- No! - Ooh. Wrong answer.

- What else? What else? - Uh, he's 33.

Uh-huh.

- A widower. - Oh.

He seemed like a standup guy. And he's not into anything weird sexually.

Enter Pheebs.

- This room's available. - Okay! Wait, listen to me!

Since I've been waiting, four women...

...one higher than the centimeters I'm dilated...

...have come and gone with their babies. I'm next. My turn. It's only fair.

If you bring in one more woman who has her baby before me, I will sue you.

Not this hospital. I'm gonna sue you. My husband is a lawyer.

- Uh, Rach? - You get back on that case, honey!

I don't think the next patient is far along.

Okay. Well, then bring her in.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe this!

And yet, somehow, it's true.

I mean, this is so great. We're gonna be baby buddies!

Squeeze your legs together, cover the baby's ears.

- Hi, sweetie! - Hi, sweetheart.

This is my husband, Sid. I don't think you've met. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid.

I nabbed him at the dermatologist's. Thank God for adult acne!

I can't believe it. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Really?

What did he say?

You have to speak loudly, he's almost completely deaf.

- Oh, there you go. - Of course he is.

Congratulations. I didn't even know you got married.

- Oh, no. We didn't. - No, no, we...

What?

We're just having this baby together, but, uh, that's all. You know?

Why?

Uh, we're just not in that place, you know? But we're very excited about this.

Oh. Well, then shut me up.

Just tell me how.

Uh-oh. Oh, I feel another one coming.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!