Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey.

I saw the Porsche parked out front.

Can I get the keys? I'll take that bad boy for a spin.

Ross drives it? When I ask, you say you're the only one allowed to.

He's my brother, plus he drives so slow he couldn't hurt it.

It's a car, Monica, not a rocket ship.

Whatever, Ross.

Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.

- Hey. - Hi.

Saw the Porsche. Looking good. When can I take it out again?

- You let Joey drive it? - I've never driven it. Not once.

Okay, once. Okay, I drive it all the time.

So much for the "you can drive it but don't tell Rachel" plan.

Wow, I can't believe you lied to me.

I can fix this. Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding.

I won't let you drive the Porsche because you're a terrible driver.

There. That wasn't about the wedding.

If you want a ride in the Porsche, I'll take you around the block.

You got a couple hours?

Whew, that was a brisk ride.

- Take the top down, did you? - Only way to fly.

Give me the keys. Monica's wrong. I'm an excellent driver.

You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.

In high school, that added up to head cheerleader.

Did you see the look that girl just gave me, huh?

She must've seen me cruising in the bad boy.

- She's checking out your beehive. - What?

- Give me a brush. - Give me the keys.

- No way! - Well, no brush.

Fine. It doesn't matter.

If I remember correctly, there's a comb on the floor of the bathroom.

Alimony.

We still haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.

Oh, right. Um, maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.

Chandler, he's your father. He should be at your wedding.

I don't even know him. I haven't seen him in years.

And when he finds out he wasn't asked?

We don't run in the same circles.

I hang out with you guys and he...

...stars in a drag show in Vegas.

Ooh, I think I want to trade circles.

You don't want him there. Nobody will stare at the bride...

...when the groom's father's wearing a backless dress.

Heh, so what?

As long as he's not wearing a white dress and a veil, I don't care.

I think I need to do some shopping.

Ah.

Ooh, nice.

My God!

- What do you think you're doing? - Just washing the windshield.

There's no way I'll let you drive this car.

- Just hand over the keys. - Oh.

Oh, ah-ah-ah!

Do not start this car.

Okay, okay. I will give you 20 bucks...

...if you get out of this car right now. Hey!

Look.

If you're so freaked out, get in the car.

With you? Yeah, right.

All right.

Okay, okay, okay.

- What are you doing? Get in front. - In the death seat?

- Hey, guys. - Hi, sweetie.

- Ready to go? - My purse is at Mon's. I'll be back.

- Wait a minute. - What?

Oh.

Ooh!

Oops.

Whoa, oh, that one kept going.

So, you and Phoebe, huh?

- How long have you been going out? - A month.

Wow. We ought to get to know each other better.

- Sure. I'd like that. - Yeah. So, uh...

What's your name?

- It's Jake. - Joey.

- Do you like the Knicks? - Yeah, big fan.

Me too. There's a game Tuesday. Do you want to go?

Great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.

Here.

- What's this? - Your suitcase. We're going to Vegas.

Are you serious? Eloping? No more stupid wedding stuff.

No more these flowers, these flowers. Think of the money we'll save.

We're not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger, please?

We're going to see your dad.

I want to get to know my father-in-law.

We already went over this and I won.

No, you didn't. Honey, just so you know...

Now that you're marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.

Forget it. I don't want to go. I don't want to see him.

I know your dad embarrassed you.

All kids are embarrassed by their parents.

You need a new word for what I went through.

In high school, he came to all my swim meets...

...dressed as a Hollywood starlet.

It's hard enough to be 14.

You're skinny, wearing Speedos your mom promised you'd grow into.

You look up in the stands. There's your dad cheering you on.

Dressed as Carmen Miranda, wearing a headdress with real fruit...

...that he'll later give to your friends as a healthy snack.

The point is that he was at every one of your swim meets cheering you on.

That's a pretty great dad.

He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.

- Who's Mr. Garibaldi? - Does it matter?

Chandler...

You're not 14 anymore, okay? Maybe it's time you let that stuff go.

If he's not at your wedding, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Okay, but I'm just doing this for you.

Yes!

- I never get to win anymore? - How much did you ever win before?

- Pheebs. - Hey.

You know how, uh, when you're wearing pants and you lean forward...

...I check out your underwear?

Yeah.

- Well, when Jake did it... - Mm-hm.

...I saw that he was wearing women's underwear.

I know. They were mine.

Oh.

No, no, wait. That's weird.

We were goofing around, and I dared him to try them on.

That's weird!

- I'm wearing his briefs right now. - That's kind of hot.

I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.

I wouldn't know about that.

Jake says that women's underwear is actually more comfortable.

He loves how silk feels against his skin.

Next he'll say your high heels are good for his posture.

There's nothing wrong with Jake. He is all man.

I think, more than you.

He looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacies.

Only a man completely secure with his masculinity...

...could walk around in women's underwear. I don't think you could.

- I am secure with my masculinity. - Okay, whatever.

You've seen my huge stack of porn.

Where they at? Where they at? Where they at? Where they at?

God, I forgot how much I love driving.

I have got to get my license renewed.

You don't have a valid driver's license? Pull over right now.

You're so tense. You just gotta relax, okay?

Okay? Just need to relax. All right? Just need to relax.

What are you...? That's not funny. Stop horsing around.

I am not horsing around, okay?

I am "Porsche-ing" around.

Uh-oh.

Stay calm. Nothing will happen. You're not in that much trouble.

Really? You think so?

I'm talking to myself. You're going down!

I can feel something inside me say

Has someone taken your order?

Oh, yeah. She did. Um, he did. She? I'm sorry, I'm new. I don't...

Mm-hm.

- I just ordered a beer. - You're straight. I get it.

If we called your dad, we'd have better seats.

I don't want him to know we're here yet. I'm not ready.

He won't be too happy to see me either.

Why not?

I don't know if I told you this, but he's kind of tried to contact me...

...a lot over the last few years. - What?

Yeah. He's made phone calls, written letters.

He even came to New York. I said I was too busy.

It's very "Cat's in the Cradle." I don't want to get into it.

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket.

Hello, darlings.

And there's Daddy.

Okay. Switch places with me. Come on! I'll go under, you go over.

- Yeah, I'll get right on that. - Ugh, come on!

What? No. Hey, Rach, come on.

I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.

God!

Hi, officer. Was I going a little too fast?

Oh, my God.

- Can I see your license, please? - Oh, yes, absolutely.

It's weird. I had a dream last night that I was stopped by a policeman.

And then he, um...

Well, I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.

- Your license. - Yes. Ahem. Here you go, Officer, uh...

...Handsome.

- It's Hanson. - Oops, sorry. My mistake.

Dear Lord!

- Wow! - Here it comes.

This is a great picture.

Ah!

Really? You think so? You know, I had just rolled right out of bed.

You look phenomenal.

She should! It was taken 10 years ago!

You know, you're probably, um...

Probably wondering about the old date.

Yes, I am. You're an Aquarius, huh?

- I'll bet you're a Gemini. - No.

- Taurus? - No.

- Virgo? - No.

- Sagittarius? - Yep.

I knew it. I knew it!

- You won't speed anymore, right? - I won't speed.

- Promise to take care of this? - I promise.

Let him drive. Does he have a license?

- Yeah. - Can he handle a stick?

- Oh, well... - I can handle a stick!

I feel pretty

Oh, so pretty

I feel pretty and witty and

Gay

- That can't be your father. - I've been saying that for years.

- Oh, my God! - What?

That's Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.

For I'm loved

By a pretty wonderful boy

Hello, and welcome to the show.

I see some of our regulars in the audience.

And a couple of irregulars.

- He's coming into the audience. - Relax. You'll be fine.

Oh, much better. You're invisible now.

- Where are you from? - Bakersfield.

- I'm sorry? - Bakersfield.

No, no, I heard. I'm just sorry.

I'll meet you back at the hotel.

Look, a standing ovation already. So early in the show.

Turn around, darling. Let me see your pretty face.

Can we have our drinks, please? Uh, waiter? ...tress?

- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.

Check it out.

Huh?

How much of a man am I?

Wow, nice. Manly, and also kind of a slut.

You know, I'm beginning to see what Jake was talking about.

- Uh-huh. - The silk feels really good.

And things aren't as smashed down as I thought they would be.

That's great.

You have so many more choices than with men's underwear.

Bikini, French cut, thong. And the fabrics: Cotton, silk, lace.

You know what I've always wondered about? Pantyhose!

The way they start at your toe, then they go all the way up to...

- I should go take these off. - I think it's important you do.

Mm.

What's your name?

Chandler.

Chandler?

What an unusual name.

You must have had terribly fascinating parents.

Oh, they're a hoot.

And who is your friend?

I'm Monica.

- Monica. Where are you from? - New York.

I'm not very fond of New York.

Queens, I like.

Ooh, what is this...

...sparkling something, honey, huh?

Actually, Monica and I are engaged.

Really?

Congratulations.

When's the big day?

In two weeks.

I see.

Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.

So you're bald.

Wait, wait.

We'd really love it if you could be there.

Really?

I know it would make me happy...

...ma'am.

Then I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, I'm getting all misty here. Ha!

You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Thanks for making me do this.

Before we go on with the show, I want to say to the bride and groom...

...how lucky they are to have found each other.

In every life a little rain must fall.

Fortunately...

...in my life...

It's raining men

Hallelujah

- It's raining men, uh-huh - Amen

When I was growing up, I played the one on the far left.

And it's raining men, amen

Remind me to introduce you to someone.

- Who? - Fourth gear.

What?

What does he want? I wasn't doing anything.

Maybe he saw your hands slip briefly from the 10 and 2:00 position.

Maybe it's, uh, Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more.

It's a different guy.

- Good evening, officer. - Do you know how fast you were going?

Uh, no, I don't, but it could not have been more than 60.

You're right. It was 37.

You're not ticketing me for driving too slow, are you?

That's right.

You know, officer, I, uh...

I had the weirdest dream last night.

Oh, my God!

Your license, please.

You don't want to hear about my dream...

...Officer...

...Pretty?

It's Petty.

I'll be right back with your ticket.

- You have a son. - I know. I know.

- Feel better? - Yeah. Much. Heh.

Listen, uh...

Not that I'm insecure about my manhood or anything, but, uh...

...I need to hook up with a woman right now.

- I understand. - Yeah, okay.

- Hey. Hi. - Hi.

You look familiar. Do I know you?

I don't think so.

Maybe it's because I'm on television.

- I'm an actor on Days of our Lives. - Wow. Really?

- Four-fifty, please. - Oh, let me get this.

These are for you.