Original subtitles

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

- Rach, come on. - Come on.

It's your birthday.

Hey.

She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.

Ms. Green wants to establish some ground rules before she comes out.

She would appreciate it if you didn't use the words "old" or "downhill"...

...or "They still look pretty damn good."

They do.

Rachel, come on out.

Monica made breakfast.

Chocolate chip pancakes.

We've got presents.

Good ones?

They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.

Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?

Come on, Rach, look, turning 30 is not that big a deal.

Oh, really? Is that how you felt when you turned 30?

Why, God, why?

We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me.

Oh, come on, you guys, is it just me? Am I overreacting?

No, Rach, it is not just you. My 30th birthday certainly wasn't that much fun.

And now Chandler.

We're all getting so old.

Why are you doing this to us?

Rach, you're in a great place in your life. You have an amazing job, good friends.

Your roommate's a soap opera star.

Your character is in a coma.

I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry at this one.

I know my life's going pretty well, but I see so many people...

...who've accomplished so many of their goals by the time they're 30.

Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.

- Come on, Phoebe. - You can do it.

Come on. There you go.

I did it. One mile on a Hippity Hop.

That's it. That's everything I wanted to do before I was 30.

Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister.

Oh, well. But, yay!

And, girls, this thing is a godsend, if you know what I mean. Heh.

Come on, let's have some fun, huh? What do you want to do today?

Nothing. I don't want to do anything.

Doing nothing on your 30th is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.

Hey, that was a practical purchase.

I needed that car for transportation.

Okay? I have a child.

How hot do I look in this, huh?

Ross, a sports car?

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?

That's not what this is about, okay?

I am a sports car enthusiast.

- I've always been into cars. - What's the horsepower on this thing?

I don't know, but look how shiny.

- I can't believe you bought this. - So can I have a ride, stud?

Hop in.

Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.

Damn it.

Okay, who's next?

You know what? I am gonna do something today.

I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady.

I want to get something pierced.

Like my, uh, nose or my tongue or something.

Really? Because, you know, that hurts.

So what? You know, the way I see it...

Ow! Son of a bitch.

Look, Rachel, I know what you're going through.

I'm totally freaked out about turning 25.

Get out of my apartment.

Rach, for what it's worth, I think that you're doing great.

I mean, let's face it, no one handles this well.

Heh. Least of all you.

Would you put that back on. Monica's gonna be here any minute.

But it hurts my Joey's apple.

Okay, for the last time, it's not named after each individual man.

You've done a wonderful job with this party, Chandler.

- Everything looks so lovely. - Oh, well, not as lovely as you.

I mean, I can't believe you would have a 30-year-old daughter.

And you, I can't believe you would have a tux that's 30 years old.

It's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.

Oh.

Okay, everybody hide. I saw her. She's coming.

Okay, okay. Everybody down. Everybody down.

Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what's going on.

Hey, you got the door open.

Hey, are you drunk?

No.

Okay.

Whoa.

Okay.

See, I was a little nervous about turning...

...30.

So the busboys took me out for some drinks.

Might want to puke on you later.

Okay, here's the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you.

All your friends are in there and your parents.

- No. - Yes.

Oh, no. My parents have never seen me drunk.

That they know of.

Here's the thing. We'll get you some coffee and they will never know that you're drunk.

- Really, you promise? - Yeah, I'll take care of it.

I love you so much.

Okay, we have to do something about your breath.

What about your breath?

That's still yours.

Okay, now, remember, it's a surprise party.

So when you go in, act surprised.

- Okay. - Okay. Shh.

Ready?

Surprise!

Okay, forward. Forward.

Stop!

Okay, back... Stop!

Okay, for... Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay. Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna break into this minivan, put it in neutral.

You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of the spot.

Okay? All right. Here we go.

Haul ass!

Happy 30th birthday. Here.

It's for the child in you. And the woman.

Happy 30th.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because it's our 30th birthday.

Yeah, no, we're not 30. We're 31. Okay.

Wait.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah. What?

Yeah, we're not 30. We're 31.

Nuh-uh.

Yuh-huh. That's what it says on my birth certificate.

You have your birth certificate?

Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.

Our mom.

Right. Okay.

- Do you have my birth certificate? - No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we are 31.

Yeah.

I just lost a whole year of my life.

Okay.

- Your middle name is Pamela? - Yes.

Oh, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?

Yes. Phoebe.

- That's my first name. - Right. Okay. Then, no.

Look at that. We made it all the way across the room. You're doing great.

- What's going on? - Monica's a little drunk.

Yay, I love drunk Monica.

Oh, she's so much more fun than regular Monica.

She doesn't want her parents to know she's drunk.

Oh, all right, all right. Here's what we'll do.

I'll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one's even gonna notice her.

What's going on?

Monica's wasted.

Maybe that'll liven up this party.

Okay, will you just go help her get changed, please?

Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.

Yep.

- This one's from me. - Ah.

It wasn't on your list, but hopefully you'll think it's really fun.

A scooter.

Stick to the list.

Always stick to the list.

No, no, no, I love it. Thank you.

Okay, open ours next. Open ours next.

Now that you're a couple, we don't get two presents from you?

For my last birthday, you gave me a hug.

- Okay, read the card, read the card. - Okay.

"Happy birthday, Grandma.

It's better to be over the hill...

...than buried under it.

All our love, Monica and Chandler." That's funny.

No, no, no, no. That was a joke.

I know, I get it. It's funny.

No, because you're not a grandmother.

I know, because to be a grandmother, you have to be married and have children.

I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny.

I'm just gonna go...

All you had to do was buy the card.

Okay, you know what?

It was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids.

All I really needed was a plan.

See, I wanna have three kids.

Let me guess. And you want to have them all at the same time...

...and you want to have them for your brother. Ha, ha.

As I was saying...

I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I'm 35, right?

Which gives me five years.

So if I wanna have a kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34.

Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes.

Oh, wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant.

Really? That long?

Look all you want, it's happening.

So I don't have to get married until I'm 33.

That's three years. That's three whole years.

Oh, wait a minute though.

I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding.

And I'd like to know the guy for like a year, year and a half...

...before we get engaged.

Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm 30.

Which is fine, because you just turned...

...28.

No, Ross. No, it is not fine.

According to my plan, I should already be with the guy that I'm gonna marry.

Will you quit hogging it?

Oh, I'm telling you, it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk.

You're drunk.

Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.

Maybe I'm a little drunk.

Hey. Are those crab cakes?

Did I not tell you to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?

How you feeling?

You are so handsome.

I want to make love to you right here, right now.

I really wish that you wouldn't.

All you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay?

Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don't talk to anyone.

Speech, speech. Let's hear from the birthday girl, huh?

Pheebs.

Don't you see, everybody's looking at me.

The plan's working.

I didn't even have to take off my top yet.

Speech. Come on, speech.

Come on. Speech.

Hey, Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her for one second.

Oh, I think it's nice.

I think it's necessary.

I wanna thank you all for coming.

My family and my friends.

Whoo-hoo.

I'd really like to say that I'm, um...

You know what I'd really like to say?

I'm drunk.

That's right, Mom and Dad.

Your little "Harmomica" is hammered.

And guess what? I've been drunk before.

And I've smoked a cigarette.

But you know what? You know what?

It's all okay. It's okay, because I turned 30 today.

And I can do anything I want.

Because I am a grownup.

- Okay, quick. Help me get this off. - Yeah.

I lost a whole year.

I can't believe it. This is so unfair.

Come on, Pheebs, it'll be okay.

Will it? Will it?

How would you feel if you found out you were 31?

That's not gonna happen, you know, because we have a new deal.

Plus, it totally ruined my schedule.

I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31.

- Like what? - Like, okay...

...I haven't met any Portuguese people.

I haven't had the perfect kiss.

And I haven't been to sniper school.

Phoebe, why don't we go upstairs and have some birthday cake?

No, I just feel like being by myself for a while, all right? I'll see you guys later.

Thanks.

Oh, poor Pheebs.

Hey, you know what, you guys? I think I'm gonna go walk her home.

- Oh, man. - What?

He's gonna eat the cake.

Pheebs. Wait up.

Listen, I...

Close your eyes.

Maybe that's one you can cross off your list.

Oh, yeah. Heh.

Oh, and plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.

Okay, is everybody clear? We're gonna pick it up...

...and move it.

All we need is teamwork, okay? We're gonna lift the car...

...and slide it out.

Lift...

...and slide.

- Ross, I really don't think this... - Lift...

...and slide.

- Okay, here we go. - All right, everyone.

Lift...

...and slide.

- Hey, Joey... - Oh, come on, Rach, my turn just started.

Actually, I just want to talk to Tag.

Oh, okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?

- Whatever, okay? I'm not your mother. - Okay.

- Not in the street! - Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How you doing, you feeling any better? - Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm, um...

- Let's talk. - Okay.

- Um... - What's up?

Uh, Tag, um...

You're such a great guy, and we have so much fun together.

- But I... - Wait.

I think I see where you're going.

But before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing?

Well said.

And a, uh, good example of the fun I was referring to.

Uh, but, heh, I think I'm past the point where I can, you know, just have fun.

Rachel, don't do this. This is just because you're turning 30.

Yeah, it is.

But you're just a kid. I mean, you're 25.

- Twenty-four, actually. - Oh, God.

You know what I wish? I wish you were six years older.

Well, actually, if I'm wishing for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.

- Me too. - Yeah. I'm sorry.

Hey, how'd it go?

Oh.

If I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?

You did the right thing.

I don't like this anymore.

Well, here we are. Just a bunch of 30-year-olds.

Wow, do you realize in 10 years we're gonna be 40?

Why, God? Why are you doing this to us?

Yes. My baby's finally free.

All right.

Start it up. Let's go.

Whoo-hoo!

How hot are we?

You wanna buy a car?