Original subtitles

- Hey. What are you doing? - Hi.

Well, you know, I was thinking of moving the couch over here.

Why would you want to do that?

So that there would be a decent place for me to sit?

- Rach, there is a decent place. - And your lap does not count.

- Okay? Come on, help me move this. - No, no, no.

- No? - No.

Rosita does not move.

I'm sorry. Rosita? As in...?

As in "Rosita does not move."

Joey, it's just a chair. What's the big deal?

The big deal is that it's the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen...

...and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.

Stevie the TV?

- Is there a problem? - No.

Oh, what does he know?

Come on, Rosita. Us chicas gotta stick together.

Ow!

You bitch.

Hey, Ross?

So I was checking out the real-estate section.

- Yeah. - Look at this.

Oh, looks like Mom and Dad's house.

Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front.

And the, uh, window in the attic...

Oh, my God.

What? What happened to the window in the attic?

I can't believe Mom and Dad are selling the house.

I can't believe they didn't even tell us.

I can't believe I still don't know what happened to the window in the attic.

Okay, come on. I'll buy you a new one, all right?

We'll go down to the store right now and we'll get you a new chair.

She's not even cold yet.

But don't you think Rosita would've wanted you to move on?

I mean, you know, she did always put your comfort first.

That's true.

Wow.

I can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in.

Man, some stranger's gonna be living in my room.

Well, after 15 years of Mom and Dad keeping it as a shrine to you...

...it's time the velvet ropes came down.

They kept your room a while.

Oh, please. Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out.

And I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs?

Not a gym.

- Come on. You know they love you. - As much as they love you?

I was their firstborn. They thought she was barren. It's not my fault.

Ugh. I hate this year.

What's wrong with this year?

It's already February and I've only given two massages...

...and they were both the worst tippers in the world.

That was me and Ross.

Oh, that's right.

If you want to pick up some extra cash...

...some friends of mine made good money in college doing telemarketing.

Yeah, it'd probably be better than the last telephone job I had.

You know, I probably won't have to say "spank" as much.

What?

Oh, yeah, like you never called.

So, basically, this is very easy. You read from the script...

...and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.

Okay, I can do that.

- Oh, by the way, I love my office. - Ha, ha.

- Why don't we do a trial run? - Oh, okay.

Um, all right.

Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

Can I speak to your supply manager, please?

I'm the supply manager.

Um, okay. I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.

- We don't need any toner. - Well, I'm sorry to bother you. Bye-bye.

Yeah, you're right. This is easy.

Okay. What was wrong with that call?

Oh, well, all right.

Um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.

They're always gonna tell you they don't need toner, but that's okay.

Because whatever they say...

...you can find the answer to it, here in the script.

- Oh. - So I think you're ready to sell toner.

- Do you have any last questions? - No.

Oh, wait, yes, I do. I do have one question:

What is toner?

Joey?

Joe?

Full bag?

Beer's still cold.

Something terrible must have happened here.

Oh, no, no, no.

Stevie, I was never here.

- Dad? - I'm here.

- Hey. - Hi.

God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.

Dad, we can't believe you're selling the house.

It's time for a new family to start their memories here.

And hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack...

...in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.

Let's just grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.

I'm sorry we can't store your childhood things anymore.

Oh, it's okay. I can't wait to see everything again. All the memories.

I don't know what's in the boxes down here.

But I do know that there are six or seven Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.

I used to love to play restaurant.

Yeah, not as much as you loved to play "uncooked batter eater."

Hey. It is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies.

So I think your boxes are over here.

Oh, great.

Hey...

...Dad, whose cigarettes are these?

I don't know.

They must be your mother's.

But please, please don't ask her. I'll throw these away.

Cool. Dad, my report cards.

Hey, check this out. Dad.

Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym...

Ooh, my rock polisher.

- Uh-oh. - What?

You know how the garage floods every spring?

How are you ever gonna sell this place?

I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes...

...to keep the water away from the Porsche.

Oh, no, Dad. Dad?

What the...?

Oh, God.

Everything's ruined.

Dad, she's gonna be crushed.

You don't secretly smoke, do you?

No.

So it's just your mother, then.

Hi. This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

Can I speak to your supply manager, please?

Earl. Thanks.

Hi, Earl. This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.

I don't need any toner.

I'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices, everyone needs toner.

Not me.

May I ask why?

You want to know why?

I surely do.

Okay.

I don't need any toner...

...because I'm gonna kill myself.

Um...

Is that because you're out of toner?

Okay, so no toner today. Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.

No, no, wait, wait. I can't just let you hang up.

Just please talk to me.

Well...

I only had one thing to do today.

I guess I could push it back.

Yeah. Now, why do you want to kill yourself?

I've been working for 10 years now at this...

...meaningless, dead-end job...

...and nobody here even knows that I exist.

Chandler?

I'm sorry?

Oh. Look...

...I'm sure that people know you exist.

Oh, yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people.

I've been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself...

...and no one's even looked up from their desk. Hang on.

Hey, everybody, uh...

...I'm gonna kill myself.

I got nothing.

Good chair.

Now, if anybody asks...

...your name is Rosita.

Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.

Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour.

Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here, you know?

Start the healing process.

- Yeah, I guess you're right. - Okay.

She's healed.

- That's weird. - No, it's not weird.

It's a miracle.

It's not a miracle, Joey. I'm sure there's an explanation.

There is. If you want something enough and your heart is pure...

...wondrous things can happen.

Well, she'll understand, right? It's not like I did it on purpose.

Dad, that won't matter to her.

Look, all my stuff is safe and dry. And all her stuff is...

...growing new stuff.

See, this is exactly the kind of thing...

...that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.

Oh, my God. Does she really think that?

Well, can you blame her?

I don't know. I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously.

You were a medical marvel.

- The doctors said your mom couldn't... - I don't want to hear about it.

- Really? - Well, not right now.

Okay, look. Monica came here for some memories.

Damn it, we're gonna give her some.

Okay, grab...

Grab some empty boxes, okay? We'll take stuff from mine...

...and whatever we can pass off as hers, we'll put them in there.

- Right. - Like, this. She could have made this.

- This could have been hers. - Sure.

You know, if you want to tell the medical marvel story while we work...

...that'd be fine.

I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself.

Yeah. Me too.

Wow, you know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest?

- No, really? - Yeah.

You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio.

My chair heals itself.

All right. Earl, let's just forget about the people at the office, okay?

There's gotta be someone else in your life that's worth sticking around for.

What about your family or friends? Or maybe a girlfriend?

Heh. Yeah, right.

Oh, sorry. Boyfriend?

Okay, I should...

I should probably be getting back to my thing now.

- See you. - No.

I'm not finished yet. Don't you dare hang up on me!

The new girl's good.

So which boxes are mine?

- These are yours right here. - Okay.

- Oh, a coloring book. - Yeah, yeah. Oh, you loved that thing.

You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without...

Without that coloring book.

Really?

Wow. Looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.

Uh-uh.

Wow, look at this.

I can't believe I even fit into this shirt.

Oh, this is yours.

I don't know how that got in there.

Hey, this isn't my stuff.

Ross, these are your boxes.

Where are my boxes?

The garage flooded, sweetie, and it ruined everything in your boxes.

I'm sorry.

- Just mine? - I'm afraid so.

So why wasn't Ross' stuff ruined?

I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.

So wait. Ross' stuff is fine, but I have no memories...

...because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car from water?

Well, there was also leaves and gook and stuff.

I can't believe this.

Screw it. I'm having one.

- Hey, Chandler. - Hey.

How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines...

...has a rolling massage...

...and speakers in the headrest?

Yeah, I'd love to, but I've tried that so many times...

...they won't even let me in the store anymore.

Well, what if I told you that you could do it in my apartment?

Are you telling me...

...that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete?

The chair that Sit Magazine called "Chair of the Year"?

I just purchased...

...the La-Z-Boy E-Cliner 3000.

Well, that's awesome. That's great. What made you do it?

Well, it's a long story, but I broke Joey's chair...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You broke Joey's chair?

- Yeah. - I thought I broke Joey's chair.

- That's why I replaced it with mine. - Oh.

That's how it got fixed.

Well, what did you think? That elves came in and fixed it?

No.

Angels.

- I'm getting my chair back. - Hey.

Well, looks like it wasn't healed after all.

So I guess this chair's mine now.

Joey, you broke my chair!

Your chair?

Yeah, he thought he broke your chair, so he switched the chairs.

- So there was no miracle? - No, Joe. No miracle.

Oh, no. This is devastating.

My faith is shaken.

I'm so glad I have the new chair to get me through this difficult time in my life.

Excuse me, could you tell me where can I find Earl?

He's the supply manager here.

Sorry, I don't know any Earl.

I'm right here!

Earl?

- I'm Phoebe. - Phoebe?

The lady who sells toner?

Um, look, you can't kill yourself.

Look, um, I really appreciate you coming down...

No, no, I can't let you do it.

Why?

Because it was fate that made me call you today.

I thought it was toner.

No. Think about it, okay? This isn't even my regular job, okay?

And my first day on the job, you're my first call.

And somebody else might have hung up on you, but I wouldn't do that...

...because I know about this stuff.

- My mom killed herself. - Really?

- Yes. - How?

I'm not gonna give you tips.

Look, don't you see that this...?

This all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.

- Couldn't it just be a coincidence? - No, it's fate.

It doesn't really seem like enough to be fate.

Oh, well. Um, okay, here's a weird thing.

My mother was also a supply manager.

I'm actually the office manager.

Oh, my God. So was she!

And get this, okay.

Your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl.

Pearl.

Was there anything else?

Sure.

Um, where are you from?

- Philadelphia. - Oh, my God, so was she!

Oh, I've got goose bumps.

Really?

- Well, I'm wearing layers, and it's warm. - Yeah.

But... Look. Okay. These jerks might not care about you...

...but the universe does, and that says a lot.

Did you hear that?

I don't need you guys to care about me...

...because the universe cares.

The whole universe!

I really wish they'd care just a little bit.

Oh, this is terrible.

Everything is destroyed.

Look at this.

It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and now I can't tell what it is.

It's still soft.

What do you think this is?

Mon, I think it was a mouse.

- How are you, honey? - How do you think I am?

You've wrecked all my childhood memories...

...you love Ross more than me.

And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face.

Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross.

Now, I'm sorry about everything that happened...

...and I'll probably never be able to make it up to you...

...but here's a start.

- What's this? - It's the key to my Porsche.

Well, the key to your Porsche.

- What? - What?

I've been thinking of getting rid of it...

...and I was driving it the other day and I saw my reflection in a window.

Your mother's right, I do look like an ass.

You're giving it to me? You're kidding me, right?

Well, wait a minute.

I mean, a couple of stupid boxes get wet, and she gets a Porsche?

- Why don't we take it for a spin? - All right.

What about me? I'm a medical marvel!

- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Know what happened to Chandler's Barcalounger?

Oh, yeah. Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.

Are you kidding? I get a Porsche and the Barcalounger's gone?

Heh. This is the best day ever!