Original subtitles

Ross, when's this comet thing start?

Well, technically, it started 7 billion years ago.

- No, no. - Oh, God.

Okay. Fine, I'll stop. No teaching, okay?

We'll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky.

- Okay? - Okay.

Whose official name is Bapstein-King. Okay! Okay!

There it is. Oh, look at that!

Isn't Mother Nature amazing?

That's a plane.

Well, all right, 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high...

...that's pretty amazing too.

- I wonder if you can see my apartment. - No, you can't.

- What? - I don't know.

Man, look at all those stars.

Infinite space. It really makes you wonder, doesn't it?

- Know what else makes you wonder? - Huh?

Check out the rack on that chick.

We've been out here for two hours...

...and we haven't seen any stupid comets. Can we go now?

I mean, Chandler's getting chilly.

No, I'm not.

Then why are you wearing Monica's jacket?

Because it's flattering!

Come on, Monica. Come on, Monica.

- We're taking off too. We rented a movie. - Oh, I won't say no to a movie.

Oh, Pheebs, we just actually wanted to be alone.

- Shh. Get me out of here. - Oh, okay.

- Hey, Ross. - What?

- Check this out. - Is it the comet?

No. Look, there's a bug stuck in tar right here.

I can't believe...

I bring you to see the Bapstein-King comet...

...one of nature's most spectacular phenomena...

...and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and some woman.

You know, there's two women, dude.

Show me where.

Right... Right up here.

Joey, where's the pipe that was holding the door open?

I don't know.

Yeah, I do.

- Joey! - What? Hey, don't look at me!

You wanted to come up here and look for some stupid Burger King comet.

It's called the Bapstein-King comet, okay?

Hey, Bapstein was a very well-respected astronomer from...

No! No!

No!

- Monica. - She's sleeping.

I know. Just a quick question.

Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?

Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duvall.

Armageddon is what's going to happen to you if you wake me up.

Sorry, I just can't sleep.

Ooh!

Where's that book you're reading with two women who are ice-skating...

...and wearing those hats with the flowers on it.

Because every time I look at that cover, I'm like:

It's in the living room, where there's also a light...

...and no one will kick you in the shin.

What?

Ow!

Please don't be a spaceship. Please don't be a spaceship.

Oh, thank God.

Hm.

How could you be beeping? I just disconnected you!

I took out your battery! How can...?

Don't interrupt me!

Monica! Monica!

Come on!

I can't believe this!

All right, well, I guess we know what we have to do to get down.

Yeah, I guess we don't have a choice.

Help us! Please, help us!

We're stuck up on the roof, and we can't get down!

Ross.

I was thinking we'd just go down the fire escape.

I know. I wasn't finished.

But don't worry!

We're gonna go down the fire escape!

Shh-shh-shh!

I'm sorry, I thought I'd make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.

With a wok?

I thought my boring book was gonna put you to sleep.

It got interesting.

Damn you, Oprah!

Here, let me make the milk. I'm up anyway.

You know what we could do now that we're up?

We could just talk to each other all night long.

Like when we were first going out. It'd be fun.

- Okay, that does sound fun. - Yeah.

So how bummed were you when the second sister died, huh?

The second sister dies?!

No.

No, I was talking about the book I was reading.

The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?

That's correct.

Want to go in the bedroom? It's more comfortable.

- Sure. - Okay.

Oh, wait, did you send those contracts to Milan?

- If this is your idea of sexy talk... - No.

Seriously. Did you overnight the contracts I gave you?

What contracts?

Please tell me this is just one of your jokes that I don't get. Heh, heh.

Like what?

Like the thing when you put the phone in your pants?

Tag, I'm serious. This isn't funny.

Those contracts had to go out today.

You didn't give me any contracts.

Yes, I did. I put a little Post-it on it that said:

"Must go out today," and I underlined "today" three times.

Then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn't wanna seem too bossy.

You never gave them to me.

If we went to the office, you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.

No, I'd see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk.

Maybe I'm embarrassed because you talk on the phone with your crotch.

- You want to go to the office now? - No.

Come on, it's late. We're not going down to the office.

Yeah, I understand. I wouldn't want to be proved wrong either.

All right, get your coat!

Oh! When did you unhook this? Nice work!

It won't go down any further. It's stuck.

We'll just have to jump.

Yep. Now, we're gonna have to make sure to land...

...to the right of that patch of ice, okay?

Not hit the dumpster on the other side.

And try to avoid that weird brownish-red stuff in the middle.

So when you get down there...

...you go up to the roof and you let me in.

- Whoa. Wait a minute. I have to do it? - Yeah. You'll be fine.

It'll be just like bungee jumping, you know?

But instead of bouncing back up, you won't.

Well, what if I smack my head on the concrete?

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, Joey. It's a possibility.

I don't know. Tell you what, let's flip to see who does it.

- You call it in the air, all right? - Oh, all right. Tail. Oh!

- Can you see what it is? - No.

- Okay. Well, you be careful. - No. No, Ross, stop.

I'm not jumping.

Look, I have an audition tomorrow, and I can't go if I break my leg.

Well, I'm not jumping. I have a son. He won't have a father if I die.

So it looks like we're even.

Okay, so this wire...

...is connected to this wire, which plugs into here.

Okay, so to get the beeping to stop, all I have to do...

Okay.

Well done, Pheebs.

What do you want from me?!

Here's your milk. What should we talk about?

What? What? What?

Oh, were you sleeping, sweetie? I'm sorry. Here.

Okay. Feel free to look...

...but I'm telling you those contracts are not on this desk.

How could you know? Look at this mess, Tag.

This is what I'm talking about. You have to be more organized.

You've got newspapers, you've got magazines, you... Oh!

And who's this chippy?

A little young for you, but whatever.

That's my sister.

Really? Very cute braces.

Anyway, you know what? The point is, Tag, start looking...

...because you're gonna find those contracts on your desk.

So when do you imagine you gave them to me? Morning or afternoon?

In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch...

...he put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-it on it...

...that said:

"Must go out today."

So you just keep looking in there, all right?

Not here.

Puzzler.

Bit of a puzzle.

Why don't you check the copy room? Maybe the contracts are in there.

- How could I have left them in the copy room? - I don't know.

How can your genitals make phone calls?

Okay? It's not a perfect world. Just go, please?

- Fine. - Thank you.

Hello?

I still don't get it.

You still awake?

Yeah. You?

You do know that was me that just said that, right?

Hey.

As long as we're both up...

Yeah?

I hope you're not thinking about cleaning the living room.

Man, I'm starving. What the hell was I thinking at dinner?

"Do you want soup or salad?" Both, always order both.

You know, I'm looking, and I don't think anyone's home here.

I say we just break the window...

...crawl through...

...and you know, explain later.

- No one's home? - I don't think so.

Hello?

So when you get in there...

Okay. This is where you and I part ways.

Noisy bitch!

Oh, what? What are you doing?

Do you know what just happened?

Yeah. We had sex and then we fell asleep.

No. We were in the middle of sex...

...and you fell asleep.

No. No, that's not true.

No, best time ever.

Yeah. You rock my world.

- Monica? - What?

I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it.

So please wake up so we can do it right.

Okay. Okay. I'm ready.

- Come on, big fella. - Okay.

- Give me the good stuff. - Yeah.

No, no, no. Don't fall asleep.

Okay, I'm going to make you some coffee.

Well, I probably won't spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.

Okay, I'm up. I'm up.

Hi. I got you some coffee to...

So you got anything for me?

- Still no luck. - Oh, my God.

You checked your entire desk and all the drawers?

- Want me to check again? - I wish you would.

Well, no, it's not in there.

How about that drawer?

Well, it's not out here. Any chance it could be in your office?

I don't know.

I mean, let me check.

Any luck?

Can I see you in my office for a minute?

Yeah.

You found them!

I'm not even gonna gloat.

- I'm just really relieved it's... - You put these on my desk.

- I did not. - Oh, really?

So they slid out of your bottom drawer...

...crawled across the floor, then jumped onto my desk?

How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?

I am so hot for you right now.

Oh, my God! How did you get back here?

Phoebe Buffay?

Fire Alarm?

Oh, hi, Officer Fireman. Can I help you?

Your fire alarm was in the trash.

- That's not mine. - Yes, it is.

How do you know?

If you dump a fire alarm, don't use a blanket that says:

"Property of Phoebe Buffay, not Monica."

Do you have a search warrant?

Because the last time I checked, this was still America.

Please reattach it. It's against the law to disconnect them.

Fine. But please, God, tell me how to stop it from going off?

Press the reset button.

There's a reset button? Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh. There's a reset button?

My God!

Why didn't I see that?

Reset button. Reset button.

Where is there a reset button? Oh, here it is! Oh!

God!

- Okay, you have a good grip? - Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna start to climb down you now.

- All right, just hurry up. - Okay.

Now, should I climb down your front so we're face to face...

...or should I climb down your back so we're...

...butt to face?

- Face to face. - I like face to face.

- Okay, here I come. - All right.

Oh, my... How much do you weigh, Ross?

I prefer not to answer that right now. I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.

When we talked about face to face...

...I don't think we thought it all the way through.

- What do you want me to do? - Just shimmy down me and drop.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, maybe I should hang, and you should climb down me.

Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!

- It still looks pretty far. - It's not that far. Just drop.

Do not rush me!

Ross, my pants are starting to come down, and I'm not wearing any underwear.

Whoa!

Ow! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle!

I think I twisted it when... Ooh, a quarter!

That really was some of your best work.

I told you.

I can't believe it.

I've only got two hours until I call in sick for work.

I have to be up in seven minutes.

Well, you're not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes...

Really?

You want to?

Okay. You get the vacuum cleaner. I'll get the furniture polish.