Original subtitles

CHARACTERS AND SITUATIONS ARE FICTIONAL.

[♪]

Hey, hey, hey, no...

What? Sorry... Am I hurting you?

-No. -What?

The baby's watching us.

Cristina, it's a dog. It doesn't know a thing.

Um...

It's a baby, and we're traumatize it

and it'll turn into a perverted, traumatized baby.

That's just Firulais. It's okay.

[DOG WHINES][SIGHS]

Fine. Let's see then.

Firulais, come here.

Hold up.[FIRULAIS BARKING]

I know that's just Firu and it doesn't get it, but...

-What? -I dunno, got me thinking...

What's gonna happen when it's little Tino and Aleja, yeah?

When they see us like this...

Who are those?

-Huh? -Our kids, duh.

Is everything okay?

Yeah... Everything's okay.

So...two.

Of course, to start off.

Two kids...

Right...

[JULIETA VENEGAS' "ESE CAMINO" PLAYING]

♪ That's a truth That'll always stay with me ♪

♪ I walked down that path I came across its glow ♪

♪ That's a truth That'll always stay with me ♪

♪ I've changed skins So many times ♪

♪ Fears And dreams as well ♪

♪ Time passed by ♪

♪ Leaving prints Within my heart ♪

♪ Even if my memory lies I've got a story ♪

♪ I tell it unknowingly I tell it silently ♪

♪ I walked down that path I came across its glow ♪

♪ That's a truth That'll always stay with me ♪

♪ I walked down that path I came across its glow ♪

♪ That's a truth That'll always stay with me ♪

[PIANO PLAYING]

Are you alone?

Hey. I'm Hannah.

Miguel. Nice to meet you.

Would you like a drink?

Are you buying?

Of course!

[LAUGHS] So? How am I doing?

-No, dummy! -What?

Don't break character.

We're supposed to be meeting all over again.

Sorry. What should I...? Again?

-Yeah, go on. -Okay, okay, okay.

Are you alone?

Hey. I'm Hannah.

Miguel. Nice to meet you.

Would you like a drink?

Are you buying?

[SNAPS]

[SNORTS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

What if someone comes over?

Don't worry. I live alone.

All alone?

What about your mom?

Another long story.

[♪]

It's...

It's a little cold, isn't it?

[GIGGLES] Sorry, I don't know what to do.

Then don't...

Don't do anything.

-I can't. -What's the matter?

Sorry, I can't. I'm sorry.

GRACIELA: We need to renegotiate that amount.

K-mil was just nominated

for the Video Share Now awards

as Discovery of the Year.

That's not the amount a nominee would get.

Double or nothing. Thanks.

Did they really nominate that brat?

Apparently.

Grace called me early this morning,

saying she needed to see us urgently.

Now she's acting like she's the Kardashians' manager.

Okay, ladies, gentlemen,

we need to get this young man

to the award gala.

He needs to double his followers,

and his campaign needs to be

better even than a president's.

Do you know of any agency that could help with that?

I promise that, if we win this,

we can all go to Vallarta.

Oh ...mi,

Limón con Chile is yours to use as you see fit,

now and always!

Although "always" is a strong word

if you're not getting paid at all.

Who said you're not getting paid?

Will that be enough?

You got it, boss.

-Oh! -When do we start?

May I introduce Fabricio,

an expert

video editor for social media.

I leave him to you so he'll help us with Camilo.

-What's up? -Hi, Fabricio.

Hey, Fabricio, nice to meet you.

This is Rodri. Rodri, get him up to speed.

Let's see if we can liven him up cause he looks dead today!

You're not helping him at all.

With this material, you'll split your slides.

Let' see ...m your fan, K-mil!

You shouldn't trust this guy's judgment though.

His sense of humor is a bit...

Doesn't matter. He's pretty.

GRACIELA: I want some coffee too.

The phone's been ringing nonstop

-since 5 a.m. -Let's check that video.

-Okay...two coffees? -There it is again.

Let's see ...want it black.

Make that three.

It's great!

Let's make some adjustments here...

Hi, how are you? Don't tell me. As beautiful as ever.

Who is this?

HANNAH: What's with your sister?

She's usually so stingy.

Mm-hm.

What's wrong, Cristina María?

What, me? Nothing. Why?

You scare me when you speak in single syllables.

Okay, okay.

-Okay. -Okay, what?

Is it a tick? What?

Okay.

I was with Alejandro, and...

We were gonna have sex, but he couldn't get it up.

[♪]

Cris, that's terrible.

Seriously?

No, you idiot, that happens all the time.

Oh, I didn't know...

It's never happened before!

Ever, with anyone in my life.

I don't know, you need experience.

I'm sure your brutish ex

was taking every pill available

-for erectile dysfunction. -You think so?

Of course, he's a doctor. He gets them for free!

I guess, but it's odd, especially since

we're trying for a baby right now.

Sorry, what?

What?

What's your problem?

What... Since when do you want a baby?

All of a sudden?

I've always wanted kids,

and my biological clock started ticking.

I don't want to be an old mother,

and I just know Alejandro

is the one I want to have my kids with.

You saw your nephew has potential

and you want to do the same with your kids!

Hats off!

I salute you.

No. Don't you want kids?

No!

I don't know. Clearly not right now. Okay.

Anyway, what's this whole "we" thing?

"We"? Are you certain?

Did Alejandro tell you?

I suppose he did.

You "suppose"? Oh, honey, I suppose

you killed his dick then. It won't take another stand.

What are you talking about?

If Alejandro didn't want kids, he'd tell me, obviously.

Okay. Perfect.

I won't say anything else then.

But you need to help him get it back up...

You know how. Please give me some tips.

What are you, a nun?

No, honey, you know how that works already.

I better go before my boss gets angry.

I don't want to get into trouble.

[MIGUEL LAUGHING]

Enough, Mike! See why I didn't want to tell you?

-You're always mocking me! -Get up, man!

You got it! Do it, man!

Enough, Mike! This is serious.

What I'm gonna have to do

is talk to Cristina and tell her: "You know what?

I don't feel capable of giving you an offspring."

She's not a cow, dude!

-Okay, enough, Mike. -Bro, you gotta do something,

otherwise you're looking at

a long and painful abstinence period.

That hurts when you don't... It hurts.

No, see here, Mike...

Now that you mention it, you're right.

Relationships are not just about sex.

Bro ... course.

-Right? -Yeah.

No, no, you're right.

People tend to sexualize relationships.

-Exactly. -Anyone who sees someone says...

Hm, sex! No!

In fact, Hannah and I are working on that.

We don't want to have sex until we know each other well.

That's great, huh?[LAUGHS]

The one on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday...?

Do you really not want to have sex?

What about you? Should I expect a nephew?

Tell me about that.

No, Mike!

No, what I need to do

is wait until after the book presentation

to tell Cristina the whole truth.

Yeah, what I'll do is...

Look me in the eye...

"Cristina,

I've thought things through,

and I don't feel ready to be a father yet."

Yeah, that's what I'll do. Of course.

[LAUGHS] That's what I'll do.

No, man... Not that.

-You're better off as a eunuch. -Know what, Mike?

I have to go now. Look at the time.

If I'm not there in time, Esther goes nuts.

-You know what she's like. -Like Satan. Be careful.

Right. A blessing, maybe?

Uh... first a toast... And now a blessing...

[IN SPANIARD ACCENT] My son, mass is over.

Go in peace.

Thanks a bunch, Mike.

[♪]

Sorry, I don't know what happened to me.

I got scared for some reason.

Don't worry.

Can I call you? Can you come over?

Maybe later.

I'm an idiot!

[MARTA CLEARS THROAT]

Marta, please knock if you're coming in!

Huh?

You should call me Martita

even if it takes longer.

How am I supposed to knock if I'm carrying the laundry?

I'd drop it all.

Besides, and most importantly:

why are you calling yourself an idiot?

It's nothing, Martita.

[SIGHS] You shouldn't keep it bottled up like that.

What's wrong?

What did that Kiké do to you?

Kiké's being weird, and...

I think he doesn't like me anymore.

Why wouldn't he?

Tell me why, if you're such a doll?

You just say that because you're like my mom.

I'm obviously not such a doll after all.

What's with you all of a sudden?

If you don't see yourself as pretty,

how's Kiké going to think you're pretty?

He'll think: "I've been so silly

"dating a girl

"who doesn't even like herself".

Huh?

Mm-hm.

Okay. The picture freezes there.

And then you add the sound effect.

Okay, let's add that...

[LASER FIRES]

Oh...

What?

It's just...such an old-school sound.

I mean, this is the Video Share Now 2020,

not 1970.

So ...u're right...

Yeah, use something... more...

FABRICIO: Let's change it.

I just saved your contact as "K-mil's sister"

Mom, what the heck's wrong with you?

What? Where'd you learn that word, Camilo?

You better watch it, mister.

This is professional work,

and you're...

Seriously, Mom.

GRACIELA: I'm focused. I'm watching this.

[♪]

There's my mom. Say hi.

Need I remind you, moms aren't pets.

Seriously?

I'm...watching one of your... videos to see it.

The... this...

For that. To see the...

I'm thinking about you and guess what I'm doing?

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

I'll let you find out tonight when we're by ourselves.

[SIGHS]

I'll need some help, though. Are you up for the challenge?

[EXHALES, THEN LAUGHS]

Sorry...

Oh, excuse me...

Did you seriously just get here now?

I've got a lot of other meetings to get through, you know?

I know, Esther. I'm sorry, but...

Let's go over everything for tomorrow.

You'll bathe, obviously...

Shave,

get dressed like a normal person...

-Right. -Your belt is so last century.

I... I...Let me see that belt.

That's all I had.

Yeah, I can see that's all they had left.

You'll put on some lotion, then get here.

I'll introduce you,

and you'll greet the fans.

How are you greeting them?

I don't want you looking like... Hi, fans.

Okay, you'll greet the fans...

The copies will be shipped there directly,

because they're...

[CHUCKLING]

Oh ...ah...

-I'm talking to you. -Yeah, sorry.

They're almost done with the focus group

to pick the book title.

Wait, why the title?

I already picked the title.

No. Turns out, there's tons of other books with that title,

just as sappy and ugly...

[PHONE CHIMES]

-Put the phone away. -Right.

Yeah, I'll do that. I'll pay attention. Fine.

Uh...

Where was I?

Oh! Trust me, okay?

Trust the marketing team too,

'cause it'll be a big hit.

With my helpful editorial input...

What do you mean by "input"?

The book's done, Esther.

-What input? -Oh!

It's just a few details here and there,

nothing of note,

but the critics will love it.

-Okay. Right. -Okay?

-But-- Fine. -Ale, what--?

All I can do now is trust you...

Go to the bathroom, and we'll talk later?

Okay...trust you and the book thing.

Right... That's disgusting, Alejandro.

[ACTION THEME PLAYING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Enough! Get a room!

You're just jealous geezers!

Bro...

Since you can actually do it,

I'll pay for your room, huh?

Go on.

[WHISPERS] Let's go.

Editing took quite a while.

Yep ...th a large computer...

Do you need something?

No, no, it's nothing.

I just wanted to apologize. I didn't want to be a bother.

Ok.

I was just surprised to find out you're K-Mil's mom.

You're a really hot businesswoman

CAMI: Fabricio wins the Rec awards

every year.

GUILLERMO: This year, you'll win,

thanks to K-mil, huh?

How about that?

What's this? You fell for it again.

No. Mom, you saw--GUILLERMO: You fell for it.

-No! -Sofi, are you--?

What's with you now?

What? Me? Nothing.

No, Sofi.

It's nothing, Dad.

What? Is no one going to eat my food?

I'm not hungry, Martita.

What did I do to you?

MARTA: Why are you...? Hm, no...

I leave you to it. I hope to meet you

and apologize in person some day.

It's best if you speak to your mom about this.

Women don't keep secrets from each other.

Secrets? What?

I don't have a secret. Why?

[WHISPERS] Sofía...

What's wrong, baby?

You can't just leave the table like that.

[♪]

Welcome!

Are you hungry?

Hey, hi... Uh...

I'm really happy

because everything's ready

for the book launch.

Yeah ...ngratulations!

-Thanks. -Let's go celebrate.

Right, of course.

I'd love it if

you could come with me to the presentation tomorrow.

I'd go anywhere with you.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

[IN ENGLISH] ♪ It feels like magic ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ It feels like magic. ♪

♪ She's like...oh ♪

Shall we eat?

I don't want the food to go cold.

Thanks for the nice gesture.

Everything looks tasty.

[CHUCKLES]

Firulais...

Don't give the dog human food.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[PHONE BUZZES]

Are you still upset? Or am I forgiven?

No, I'm not upset.

Sorry I won't let you sleep. I'm getting my revenge.

Revenge for what?

For keeping me awake.

[♪]

And I don't even know you in person yet.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

SOFI: Mom?

Mom...

Are you asleep?

GRACIELA: What do you think?

We'll talk tomorrow.

Mm-hm...

Yeah!

Right before calling us geezers,

he grabbed the cash and split.

HANNAH: No! You're kidding!

No, I saw when he grabbed it.

I thought you were kidding

when you gave him the money!

It was a joke!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hannah, I loved our date.

So did I.

Though it wasn't us

who ended at the motel.

No, no, no, but it's...

That's the good thing.

'Cause... well...

We're really getting to know one another, yeah?

Yes, I know, I know...

And I swear,

I swear I'm really enjoying it.

Hannah, uh...

would you like to... go out for ice cream?

Ice cream...?

Right, of course!

You're on, I love ice cream.

ALEJANDRO: Uh... hi.

Hey, Esther, I'm looking at the e-mail you sent me

the one with the "editorial details,"

but I don't get why the e-mail won't open.

Could you send it again, please?

Will you be long?

Oh, hi. Uh...

I still have some details to go through,

stuff Esther asked me to do, but...

You can go sleep now, and I'll catch up.

Who says I want to sleep?

Oh...

[♪]

So, what did you wish for?

[WHISPERS] I wanna be a mom.

Oh...

Is everything okay?

It's fine. Everything's fine.

Should I leave you alone?

Yes. Uh...um...

Sorry, Cristina.

We should just go to bed now anyway.

Uh...this whole business with the book launch

is driving me a little nuts.

I'm all scatterbrained...

-Right. -It's not you.

Yeah.

[♪]

[♪]

A really nice auditorium,

a nice picture of you, but, dude,

I told you we were too early.

There's nothing to do.

Mike, trust me, I'd rather be here

than dealing with my reproductive system.

Trust me.

Now what?

Why not put a cap on Alejandro Jr.?

No, Mike, that'd be like telling Cristina:

"Damn your dreams,"

and I'm not doing that.

You don't want kids either, right?

Okay, see, Mike,

you're not getting it.

Lately, Cristina has been

extremely thoughtful and charming.

I can't just go to her

and say like:

"You know what? Never mind."

Of course not! That's not the way!

After thinking things through,

I believe Cristina is the one for me,

and eventually,

I'll have to start a family.

-Right? -Wow, no, no...

Hold up, bro ...ght.

did they brainwash you or what?

You sound like Mr. Guillo:

"Get it together, man!"

Easy!

Look, we can start a movement,

"My balls belong to me"

-and #MyOffspringsToo. -Oh, Mike, no...

It always works.

[LAUGHING] No...

Don't worry, Alejandro.

Look, the truth is, Hannah and I

are going through something similar,

but that's all by mutual accord.

We're holding back,

and trust me, when we meet up...

[CHUCKLES] It's gonna be big.

But...

if Hannah came onto me

the way Cristina does to you--Right...

I'd say "Screw this,"

and start overpopulating the planet.

-Seriously. -You're right.

-Yeah. -I think I should

do the same with Cristina.

Saying "Screw it"

or overpopulating the planet?

No, no, no, no... The...

Right, saying "Screw it,"

getting rid of all these dumb ideas in my head.

If Cristina wants a kid, I'll give her one.

Of course!

In fact, I'll give her two, three... Thing is...

Oh, you're finally on time, for once.

Ugh, you'll never listen to me

regarding your outfit, huh?

Come on, Esther,

-what's wrong with it? -It looks cheap.

-So what? -Well, whatever.

Oh... You didn't reply about the e-mail I sent.

I got the e-mail, but I couldn't open it.

I sent you a voice note,

which you didn't listen to.

I don't have time to listen

to voice notes longer than three seconds.

Which means you're okay with everything, right?

Uh...

Where's the girl?

Fátima!

-Gabriela! -I told you, that's Satan.

Oh, God...

Right, so ...d she tell you something

about you being okay with everything?

Have you talked it through and agreed to it?

I don't know, Mike, I don't have time

to be discussing minutiae.

I think Cristina's about to arrive.

Are you staying for the presentation?

[LAUGHING] Of course not, bro.

I just came to see

how Satan crushed you. I'm leaving now.

Just kidding, of course I'm staying.

In fact, right after this,

I'll go see Hannah,

which means the game is on.

Wait, I still don't get it.

So you guys are still playing

the part of the virgin couple?

Seriously, Mike?

Think what you will...

But this virginity

has an expiration date,

and I think that day is today.

Okay, I'm gonna check

if Cristina's here, okay?

Mike ...ay.

Wait, come here. Won't Satan get here and...?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile...

RODRIGO: Great, great.

GRACIELA: Oh, honey, what's with that pose?

That's great.

There... I love it.

[HANNAH LAUGHING]

Look at him...

What do you think?

He's doing better than you.

Don't start.

Don't even get me started.

You've barely said a word

these past couple days.

Just "Good day. Good night."

Nothing else.

I've been civil.

Then are we just pretending

David never existed?

Are we just never talking about that again?

[♪]

[PHONE CHIMES][CHUCKLES]

With a smile like that, you must enjoy a good cup of coffee.

[♪]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good... Good...

Yes, I do.

Would you like to get some coffee?

Then I can apologize in person for being such a bother.

If you're going to reject me, do it now so I can cry my heart out

Should we leave now so we don't get in your way?

Of course not!

It's just that...

Guillermo needs me back at the restaurant,

and I have a conference call with some sponsors,

but this is still not over, and everything's piling up...

-I'll help you out. -Really?

-Can you do the conference call? -Yeah.

I know Miguel's waiting, but ...'s fine,

-I'll just see him tonight. -Thanks, love you.

Bend your knees, hon.

That's it!

That looks great ...DRIGO: Great.

Wait, your hair's a mess now.

Cappuccino with soy milk and double shot espresso.

See you there at 5 p.m.

Sofi, I've got a plan you're gonna love.

Let's go laugh at your brother.

They're doing a whole photo shoot at the studio.

No.

Are you okay, honey?

Did Kiké do something to you?

No, Dad, he didn't do anything.

That's the problem!

MARTA: Mr. Guillito,

still can't shake the habit

of talking with the door closed?

[SIGHS] It's a good thing she didn't open,

otherwise, she'd claw my eyes out.

She's just like her mom!

I don't know what's wrong with her.

She says she isn't pretty. Huh?

What? We better get her eyesight checked.

MARTA: Maybe a shrink could help.

Hey, I'm still here,

and I'm not deaf, blind or crazy.

Thank you!

Baby, no one says you are.

Come on, open up and let's talk.

SOFI: Where's Mom?

[PHONE BUZZES]

HANNAH: Well, well.

Who's gonna be

Guillo's main dish tonight?

Oh!

Hello?

Honey bear, hi...

Look, I need you to talk to Sofi.

I would, but I'm busy

with Cami's photo shoot.

Can't you do it?

No, sounds like she had a big fight with that Kiké.

Which means she wants to talk to Mom,

not to Dad.

Did they break up?

Not as far as I know.

But you'll know if you talk to her.

Um...

Fine, yeah, uh...

I'll leave Cami alone here

and head over there.

GUILLERMO: Honey bear, no, no, no...

Look, you're right.

You can't leave Cami alone.

Don't worry, I've got this.

Take care of yourself, please, and...

have fun.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Besides, if I'm an expert in anything

it's solving relationship problems.

Listen, I don't know whether to thank you

or hang up on you.

First you thank me,

then you hang up on me.

Thanks. Bye.

[♪]

GUILLERMO: Sofi...

Is Mom coming?

Honey, I told you, she's looking after Cami.

[GROANS]

That pipsqueak always ruins everything!

Seriously? Language, Sofi!

Enough, Dad! Please leave me alone.

[♪]

RODRIGO: Great!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[PHONE CHIMES]

See you there

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

I hope everything's ready

for the presentation.

I'm really nervous.

My hands are all sweaty...

I think everything's gonna turn out okay.

In other words, I'm really excited...

Everything's fine...

How about you? Everything okay?

-Mm-hm. -You sure?

Yeah.

Alejandro, today isn't about me.

Look, Cristina, is...

Is this because of what's happened

these past few nights?

-Is that what this is about? -What do you think?

Look, Cristina, I like you a lot.

This has nothing to do with you.

-Trust me. -I know.

That makes it more confusing.

What do you mean?

I'm nervous because of the presentation.

Nothing more.

Uh...

Can we talk in private?

No, your presentation's about to start.

-Come on. -I don't care about that.

I want to ease your mind.

Come on.

We can just talk later.

ALEJANDRO: Please, Cristina.

Look, what I want to say, for the millionth time,

is how much I love you, how much I like you

and how much I want to be with you

and with no one else!

-That's it! -I know that, it's great.

I'm the crazy one here, okay?

You're celebrating a professional milestone,

living your life, and everything's awesome...

I'm the one who's asking things

that are out of line,

like starting a family and having kids.

Cristina, that's not the point.

No, seriously...

I get it, it's fine,

but I've always known I want to be a mom.

When I met you, I knew you were the one,

but if you're scared

or if you don't want to be with me,

or you just have no control over...

your penis, then...

I get it.

Listen...

Just... don't say anything, okay?

I want to be with you

and no one else.

You got that?

Come here...

Come here.

-Don't say a word. -No!

[IN ENGLISH] ♪ Oh, it must be love ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Sofi...

Baby...

I have a surprise for you.

Baby?

♪ I said, oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ I said, baby Oh, it must be love ♪

[RECORDED] Your call is being forwarded to voicemail.

Sofía Candelaria,

as soon as you get this message, call me back!

Which she never will,

because she never calls me back.

[RECORDED] Your call is being forwarded to voicemail.

Honey bear, um...

She never returns my calls either

because she's the mother.

[RECORDED] Your call is being forwarded to voicemail.

Cris... Hi, it's Guillermo...

Same DNA!

It's like they never learned how to use a cell phone.

I think we're ready to go.

Too bad Grace couldn't be here,

but she has her hands full with K-mil.

We'll keep in touch.

Right then... Bye.

Great.

[PHONE BUZZING]

What's up, Grace? Everything's great here!

GUILLERMO: Hannah...

Guillo! Oh, Guillo, sorry.

I have this number saved

with both your names.

Hey, sorry,

I know you're in a meeting with my wife,

dealing with Camilo's shoot,

but I really need to talk to my wife.

Grace... Right.

Yeah, she's working on that right now.

I'll tell her to call you back as soon as she's available.

It's about Sofía.

The sooner, the better.

Okay.

Right. I'll let her know.

-Thank you. Bye. -See ya.

[IN ENGLISH] ♪ You've done nothing wrong ♪

[♪]

♪ Say you care For nothing but me ♪

Grace, are you with Guillo?

♪ But I can't trust What I can't see ♪

Yeah, we're both here.

♪ And that show You got nothing for me ♪

♪ Time to take your lies And leave ♪

♪ You wanna burn a hole In my head ♪

Text me your location. I'm done with the conference

and I need you to sign something.

♪ You wanna take the roof From my head ♪

♪ You wanna take my heart And soul ♪

Does it have to be now?

♪ But I owe you nothing ♪

Yeah. I'll send them through DigiRyde

[♪]

It was well worth the wait, huh?

Of course!

In fact, you know what?

I don't even feel that nervous now.

Thanks.

It's off now, right? There.

How do I look?

Is it off?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It'll be fun telling our kids

how they came into this world.

Come on, Cristina,

you don't tell those stories,

-especially not to kids. -I guess not.

No, of course not!

Do you think it worked?

We'll have to wait and see.

Right, well...

Otherwise, we'll just have to keep trying.

Then we try.

You're getting lipstick all over again.

-Shall we? -You got smudged again!

Pardon the interruption.

But they're waiting for you.

And here you are,

doing what you do best: kissing women in the toilet.

Cris...

Yeah?

Fix your dress, okay?

'Cause you can see ....

Then let's go.

What did I do?

Nothing.

It's over, isn't it?

You found a prettier girl,

-a skinnier one? -Sofi, it's not that.

It's not that at all.

I'm just scared now.

What?

You're my first, my only, my last.

[♪]

It just...

has to be a special occasion...

not just on a random day.

It should be... something unforgettable.

As long as it's with you, I'm okay.

Seriously.

-Am I good? -Yeah. Wait...

-Now? -There.

Okay, that's fine. Thanks.

A Guide to the Perfect Twat?

That was the purpose of the focus group?

ESTHER: So exciting!

Thank you all for being here.

Good day!

Good day.

I want to kick things off by introducing

my star writer, Alejandro Montero...

And his muse! The woman who inspired him

to pick the pen up again,

Cristina Oviedo.

[APPLAUDING]

Sorry, I swear I have no idea

what's going on here.

Really.

I feel so honored

to be a part of the process...

I'd like to thank you, Ale,

for asking me to write the prologue to your book.

Which is why I'd like to share

an excerpt of what I wrote, yes?

"When he met Cristina, Alejandro didn't know

"how his life was about to change:

"He'd met the perfect twat."

Hold up...

"A woman who allowed it all because love makes us fools.

"Alejandro masterfully narrates

"how Cristina endured affair after affair

"so long as she could stay with him,

"a man so clearly used

to being with strong and successful women."

Listen here, Esther,

what are you doing?

ESTHER: A round of applause!

ALEJANDRO: Cristina...

If you leave now, I drop everything

and you won't sell a single book.

Don't worry,

keep your copies.

Thanks.

MIGUEL: Dude, what was that?

I know, she's nuts!

ESTHER: And there he goes, after the twat...

Thank you.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me, could I...

order a salad, please?

Thank you.

Oh...

Hey!

Where's... the DigiRyde?

Weren't you meeting up with Guillermo

-at the restaurant, Grace? -Right.

I'm... on my way over there now.

I just got this appointment with a sponsor,

and I moved everything... to meet him now.

So...where do I sign?

-Seriously, Grace? -What?

Are you trying to fool everyone?

Your husband, myself?

What do you mean, Hannah?

You're making a mistake.

You have a wonderful husband

and beautiful children.

Are you seriously risking all that

just to be fooling around with a stranger?

I just wanted to know who it was.

Oh, Hannah, I just don't...

I don't know what happened.

They said a few sweet words,

and I just... Well, here I am.

This would be understandable

back when Guillermo wasn't talking to you,

but now? This is your best time with him, Grace.

I won't do it. You're right.

Great. Okay.

Take it easy, we'll have some coffee,

then we'll leave... The cappuccino's great here.

-He'll be here in five minutes! -What?

-Let's go now. -Let's go!

Run, quick...

[♪]

Hi, baby...

Hey...

Sorry for not helping with Sofi.

Are you kidding?

Don't worry,

they fell in love again,

and right now

they're watching a movie with Cami.

Oh... With Cami?

We can't leave them alone together,

and Cami is the best private detective

we can get.

And how long is this movie?

It's a saga, about three movies long.

Perfect...

That way,

I can take care of the best man,

father, husband, and chef...

in the world.

The kids are upstairs.

I don't care.

You lit this flame...

Mm-hm...

So now you have to put it out.

[♪]

Leave that...

Okay, well, um...

Thanks for everything, beautiful.

I had a great time.

Yeah, me too.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Uh... Bye, monkey.

And now, a cold shower before bed.

Yeah, same here.

Miguel...

Hannah...

Look, I swear...

I'm having a good time,

it's been a blast,

everything's been great. It's just...

-I miss the rest. -So do I.

And by "the rest," I mean--

Yeah, the dirty, raunchy, wild sex

we used to have.

Oh, my.

[♪]

We're going to Puerto Vallarta!

I tripled my follower count!

Uh...

That's...great, honey.

That's great. Uh...

GUILLERMO: Yeah, you're a genius.

Gross.

BOTH: What?

Were you two...?

No, of course not.

No. Ha, ha, ha.

Well, it'll be Mom, Dad,

aunt Cris, Sofi, Kiké, and me.

We're all going!

Kiké, my mom and dad were...

What?

It was nothing. Put that away!

Turn it... no, no, no!

KIKé: We're going to Vallarta?

Hey, that's cool, bro!

CAMI: Yeah, Kiké, we're all going!

K-mil and the gang, dawg!

We're going!

Hey, hey, hey, language.

And we don't know who's going to Vallarta.

We don't.

GUILLERMO: Cami, what'd I tell you?

CAMI: That the award's mine.

GUILLERMO: Heck yeah!

And what did I tell you guys?

When you do stuff like this,

you should turn the TV up.

At least wait until we're asleep, okay?

Okay, enough!

This is why I'll have

my own room in Vallarta.

Sure you will, Mr. Single-Room.

-We'll see. -I'm paying!

Oh, hush.

Get out now, both of you.

SOFI: At least turn the TV up.

Be quiet and just wear earphones.

SOFI: You're so dirty.

[WHISPERS] What if we celebrate now?

Can we talk, Cristina?

The Perfect Twat?

With a prologue by Esther Duarte?

Cristina, let's keep it cool.

I swear I didn't know a thing.

I know that sounds unbelievable,

but I wasn't able to look at

the latest version of the book.

So you left everything up to her,

as if you didn't know what she's like!

I know, I'll admit it...

-I'm an idiot! -You are!

I didn't know about the prologue,

much less about the title

they chose for the book.

Cristina, if I'd known

that Esther was going to pull this stunt,

you know I wouldn't have allowed it.

-Trust me. -You'll need to come up

with a better excuse than that.

You had two days to read it!

You know what, Cristina?

This is all happening because of you!

Because of me?

That's right, it's your fault!

Did I tie you down? Or blindfold you?

Clearly, you didn't tie me down!

Obviously not. But this whole time,

you kept sending me horny texts,

you kept pursuing me through the house,

and you never gave me a moment

to tell you what I was going through!

All these texts, with you pursuing me all day long,

provoking me!

This whole time!

Besides, I've spent the past couple days thinking about

how to tell you I don't want to have a kid.

I'm not interested in that.

I don't want any.

[♪]

[♪]