Original subtitles

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm back. I've been waiting three months, you know.

So I've just been doing little reunions, innit? Candice is bae,

so obviously, I've just been round hers to surprise her and that.

Yay!

Welcome back.

Yeah, she was really, really happy to see me.

And her nan, who's basically also my nan, was really happy as well.

Fucking piece of shit. Fucking hell.

What you done to your hair? And where's Connor?

I'm done with you, Tracey.

DOOR BUZZER

- I thought you were not coming home?! - Urgh, Mummy!

I mean, technically, I'm not squatting,

I'm just starting my shift really early.

♪ Life ain't so great, yeah, they'll be dancing the Moan ♪

♪ And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us ♪

♪ If ever you're in doubt, just get your wings out ♪

♪ Go, go on and get your wriggle on ♪

♪ Somewhere else. ♪

OK! Yes, Deepak, I know how to run a shop.

Can you just go and catch enjoyment, please?

Oh! Look, Deepak, be careful. OK?

Because from far away, you look dark enough to be a little bit black?

No, you do! Just look, look, look, look.

If the police stop you, don't panic, OK?

They're like bees. If they see you panicking,

they panic and then they sting you.

- OK... ? - HE HANGS UP

Deepak's going on holiday to America.

What is the point? He ain't here.

He ain't here!

♪ Turn up the bass! ♪

♪ Tell the DJ, turn it up ♪ ♪ Tell the DJ, bring it back ♪

♪ Tell the DJ, turn it up ♪ ♪ Tell the DJ, bring it back ♪

♪ Tell him, play that shit again ♪ ♪ Tell him that you like that, like ♪

♪ DJ, turn it, DJ, turn it DJ, turn it, DJ, turn it ♪

♪ ... on the dance floor, and it's louder on the floor ♪

♪ I got a hundred more on a worldwide tour... ♪

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Whoohoo!

♪ I slay, I'm carefree ♪

♪ And I got my black girl, Natalie. ♪

Oh, my God!

Connor.

Connor, it's Tracey!

Yeah, no, no, no. I know I look different now,

yeah, I've become successful, yas.

Who is this? Is this wide-legged hyena your new girlfriend?

Oh, my God! No, no, no!

I just can't believe you've moved on so quickly.

"I haven't, Trace. I haven't moved on.

I love ya, please help me, help me... "

Oh, my God, no, no, no, don't cry.

Look, I wish I could, but I've actually got to go and see Beyonce.

No, no, no, really, I'm going to fly there.

Oh, yeah, cos I can fly.

♪ I'm flying! I'm flying, I'm flying! ♪

♪ I'm fly... ♪ ♪ What you saying, fam? ♪

All right?

Yeah. Where you going?

- Deepak's on holiday. - On holiday, yeah, I know.

Yeah, he's left me in charge.

All right, well, you can tell me where the toolbox is, then.

- What? - The toolbox.

Says he need some shelves fixing.

- Why? - Broken shelves.

This ain't going to be a problem, is it?

I mean, we're mates. We're adults.

Yes. No, yeah.

- Toolbox? - Toolbox, yes.

There you go. It's right in the back.

In the back.

Deep in the back, right there. Yeah.

MUSIC: Jet Blue Jet by Major Lazer

Make-up, make-up, make-up.

- This has expired. - Come back later, thank you.

Oi, you idiot.

I said this has expired.

So put it in the bin.

I want fresh milk, you dumb fuck.

Oh!

Look at what you made me do.

You think the world revolves around you?

I'm trying to deal with real-life problems.

- I want me money back. - Yeah, well, you...

Well, there you go, madam. Keep the change.

Oh, look at that, I've just doubled your pension.

Right.

Fucking hell.

Oh, look at that.

It's a good job I'm here.

A bit of twisting, a bit of tightening.

Oh. You're all right with me working here, aren't you?

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Me and you, we're bredren, so, like, what's the... ?

Exactly. Besides, we haven't really caught up in private.

I knew this guy still fancied me, man.

I want to break up properly, you know.

Talk about exactly what happened

and then, you know, put it all behind us.

- I don't want to have any awkwardness. - No!

Be nice if we had closure.

- Tracey! - Oh, I'd love to, you know.

But I'm just so busy.

- So busy. - There's no-one here.

Stock!

I've got to... count the stock.

- What are you doing after? - Oh, I'm busy after.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going on a date.

Yeah, literally the second my shift is done.

- Wow. - Yeah.

What's his name?

Anthony Joshua.

The famous boxer?

Yeah...

Yeah, no, no, no, it's obviously not Anthony Joshua.

It's Anthony Joshua's friend.

Basically, it's Anthony Joshua's friend that I'm seeing, you know.

So, yeah, yeah, and he's picking me up in his car.

Fancy. So what's he whipping?

- Excuse me? - What's he drive, your guy?

A Rolex.

A Rolex?

He drives a Rolex.

Is that all right with you?

- Yeah. - OK.

What's he doing?

What's he doing, what's he doing?

- Anthony Joshua's best mate? - He's one of his best mates, yeah.

He's one of his best mates.

Yeah, he's got loads of friends. Yeah, it's that one.

- Him? - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Stormzy!

(Ah, that is really unlucky.)

- You're going out with him? - Yeah.

Wow. Well, maybe we can chat after...

Ah, rrrrrrrrrr, bing bah-bing bing-bing!

Time to count the stockings!

Hey, son. Ha-ha!

♪ I call it housework ♪

♪ Cos it's light work ♪

♪ What you gon' do?

♪ I'mma throw shapes ♪ ♪ Feelin' the bass till my feet hurt ♪

♪ I call it housework ♪

♪ Cos it's light work ♪

♪ What you gon' do? ♪

♪ I'mma throw shade if I don't get paid for this housework ♪

♪ I call it housework ♪

♪ Cos it's light work ♪

♪ What you gon' do? ♪

♪ I'mma throw shapes ♪ ♪ Feelin' the bass till my feet hurt ♪

♪ Cos it's light work ♪

♪ What you gon' do? ♪

♪ I'ma throw shade if I don't get paid for this housework. ♪

Eight, nine, ten.

11. 11... stock.

I need to know what happened.

Oh, well, you know, I guess... the shelves have been up for a while

and with all the stock, they just got worn down.

Not the shelves.

When we were staying at the homeless shelter.

- Oh, ah... - What's happened?

You made me lose count.

So now I've got to start... start again. It's fine.

20...

OK, OK, OK.

So, the thing is about me Connor's, you know, drifting from each other.

It's not just that I forgot to mention it, I chose to forget.

But now he wants to talk about it.

He wants to talk about the homeless shelter, yeah,

that's where we were staying when we were part of the underclass.

He wants to talk about it, and...

16,

17,

18 salad creams.

56, 57...

And to top it off, he's trying to interrogate me

about my made-up boyfriend.

You're going out with Stormzy? That is mad, innit?

Well, I didn't go looking for him like I did Drake, you know.

He found me. He saw the goods,

he wanted the goods, he's got the goods.

- Instagram? - Nah, mate,

we ain't really out here doing it for the 'Gram, you know.

I ain't even on Instagram, so...

You're on Facebook... ? Is it Facebook levels?

No, no, no, we don't really feel the need to, you know.

Are you and... Emma, is it?

She wanted to, but I ain't fussed for it.

But it sounds like you and your famous fella,

it sounds like you're serious.

It's quite mad.

I'm glad we both moved on.

Yeah, we have. We have both moved on.

We have, both of us, have moved on.

I mean, hello!

Somebody call the reporters!

You know, me and you have moved on.

It's amazing. Do you know what I'm going to do? Yas!

I'm going to go into the back room

and I'm going to crack open a bottle of Fanta!

Trace, can we talk now, please?

It'll be over quickly as long as we're both...

If you're not telling lies and that, yeah?

SORROWFUL HARP MUSIC

Hmm?

- MUSIC STOPS - Yes!

I've just got to go and get the Fanta, you little weirdo!

This guy! I don't even... !

Shit!

Fanta...

Candice... Candice.

PHONE RINGING

- Yo, wagwan? - Candice!

Look, I need a favour.

Ha! This is my voicemail.

Bet you thought I answered, innit?

Cos you're a dumb, gullible prick.

BEEP

PHONE RINGING

♪ And when he came ♪

♪ To his true love's dwelling ♪

♪ He knelt down gently upon the stone... ♪

- Ola? - It's an Irish folk song,

the night-visiting song.

And I sing it because I want a man or a tran to come and visit me

in my sleep and give the gift to my penis of fellatio.

Oh, yeah, of course, fellatio. Congrats.

Look, I need a favour from you.

No. I prefer transactions.

I'll shave your bum crack again.

Deal.

I need you to make a Facebook page under the name Mr Stormzy.

OK?

And do it quickly and do photos of us together.

Have you got Photo Grid? The app, yeah,

do some photo collages, make us look good, OK?

A challenge? Hmm, OK.

Don't look at me.

Connor, why are the shutters down?

You and me,

we're going to be straight with each other for two minutes.

No, you can't close the shop, it's the middle of the day.

I want to talk, Trace.

Yeah, but I don't want to talk.

Oh, my God, Deepak is going to lose his shit. Where's the key?

You're not going nowhere until we talk proper, so you're

going to have to cancel your plans with your made-up boyfriend.

I'm offended, Connor.

That you really think I'm that pathetic, that crazy,

to just make up that I've got a boyfriend?

Do you think I'm that sad? That lonely?!

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, it's just my made-up boyfriend, do you mind if I... ?

- Let me see that. - Look at my phone.

- Go on, then. - Thank you.

Hi! Hey, baby.

- Come on, open up! - BANGING ON SHUTTER

No, no, we are open! Don't...

Open the shop... Hi!

Yeah! This is so exciting, honestly.

Yeah, I'm really excited about tonight as well.

Uh-uh, it's...

Oh.

- Mm-hm. - I see.

Yeah. Yes.

LONDON ACCENT: I love you, my pretty little vagina.

Aw!

I love you too.

- Check your Facebook. - Check my Facebook?!

I will, I'll check my Facebook.

He hung up.

Hmm.

Look at that.

Just a little picture.

That's another one.

Aw, that's cute.

Aw!

All right?

- So back off. - I still want to finish this properly.

What are you going to do, hold me prisoner?

What, your celebrity boyfriend,

his bodyguard is going to come for me, are they?

I am going out with a celebrity!

He's got a lot of money, he takes me to dinner,

he picks me up in his Rolex, it's not my fault, Connor!

I don't know what he sees in me, I don't know.

Maybe the same thing you saw before your vision got fucked

and you started seeing a hyena

crossbred with a goat as a potential wife.

I hate Emma!

SHE GASPS

That felt so good.

Now give me the key, please.

- Open the fucking shop! - Yeah, I'm so sorry.

We're coming. Just give me the key, Connor, please.

ALARM BLARES

I need to know what happened.

ECHOING: When we were staying at the homeless shelter.

SNORING

MUSIC: One Minute Man by Missy Elliott

Tracey, we can't in here.

Have you been drinking?

Have you been... ?

I've made us a love nest.

Come, come.

Wha... ?

It's yours.

I want you.

Water feature!

Look at our... you know... space...

- How much have you had to drink? - Baby, no, baby, shh.

And my body is yours, do you know what I mean?

So you can just take it, cos, like...

Yeah, baby.

CARIBBEAN ACCENT: Yeah, touch me body!

Yeah, baby.

That is really...

Yeah, babe.

MUSIC FADES

I'm sorry.

No, don't... shh...

BANGING ON DOOR MAN: Have you lost it yet?

WOMAN: I've a tenner on you staying floppy, don't let me down.

- Ha-ha! Go away!- Say that again! Say that again!

Go away, you're fucking terri... You're terrible!

Right.

- Right! - MUSIC RESUMES

OK. Yeah, ooh!

- Just going to... - OK!

Oh, yes!

That's... that's really uncomfortable.

I'll try here.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, babe. Yeah!

Stop, no, stop!

Aargh!

Stop, no...

You're putting me off!

Fuck you.

- (I'm sorry... ) - No, fuck you.

The way you fucking treat my fanny

is fucking worse than... People treat their animals better than...

I even got Gay Simon...

I said, "Gay Simon, please can I borrow your dildo?"

Listen, three months, OK?

And we've not done nothing

with the penis and the vagina going inside,

OK? Do you see what I'm saying?

Look.

It's frothing a little bit.

It's all shrivelly and stuff and I don't know,

I don't know whether that's because of you

but I feel like it's fucking because of you!

I'm going to be sick.

The toilet bowl's here.

Get your hands off me.

Where is it?

Gah!

That's better, yeah?

That was on purpose.

ALARM CONTINUES TO BLARE

ALARM STOPS

Look, I was...

trying to be a supportive partner,

trying to help the boyfriend through their reptile dysfunction,

- I don't know why you're pissed at me. - Shut up.

No.

It's what you did after.

♪ Treat me good, treat me good ♪

♪ Give me loving, give me loving ♪

♪ Give me loving in the way that I should ♪

♪ Treat me good... ♪

Uh-uh, uh-uh...

Danni likes it.

How come Danni's got a hard penis and look at you,

you fucker, you don't?

I don't have a penis, I'm a girl.

Yeah, but you're... you're a lesbian.

What's happening with you?

Crazy when you're drunk, crazy when you're sober.

Where are you going?

I thought you wanted to be the one to take my virginity?

I'm done with you, Tracey.

Ooh, OK!

Well, that's all right, off you go.

The dildo is being activated, your services are no longer needed,

Sergeant Floppy Dick.

We were tight.

We didn't need nothing but each other and Jobseeker's Allowance.

They lapped us up! Interracial.

Yeah, usually the girl's white and the guy's black,

but we did it the interesting way round.

Tracey and Connor. Tronnor. They actually called us Tronnor!

- Nobody called us Tronnor. - And then you went and told everyone

we weren't fucking, and I turned into a laughing stock.

Well done, Tracey! Nice one.

No, no... why would I want you to be a laughing stock, I loved... ?

I mean, I like you, you know what I'm saying? You're all right.

You're all right. I don't...

Just out of interest then, why did you fuck someone else?

I... I didn't.

Fuck off, Tracey, I was there, remember?

I don't care if it was a girl, cheating's cheating.

- I... - PHONE RINGS

Ola... Celebrity boyfriend, now's not a good time.

Can you please call me back?

Ah!

Look, I never cheated on you.

Never.

Honestly, nothing happened.

OK, well, there's a little, I mean...

Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

What are you doing?

I'm making sex noises because I should be having sex right now.

- There's your... - Oh, yeah...

Yeah, come on, let's make like a scissors and trip.

No.

- Kiss me. - No.

Kiss me.

- No. - OK.

OK.

OK, I'll just have a hug.

I just need somebody.

OK.

Come on.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Thanks.

Fuck.

I had a whole 'nother story going on.

It was much sexier than that. Fuck.

I tried to tell you.

PHONE RINGS

Ola, give it up.

- But I must tell you some... - Bye.

So you're not going out with... ?

Of course I ain't going out with him.

It's lonely, innit?

Yeah.

- Mindlessly fucking whoever and then it's just... - Wait...

- Hmm? - You're... ?

Oh, yeah, no, it's fine, it's just with you.

Oh.

No, I mean, I don't know what it is. I just...

I think it's special. In a good way.

- Are you still a... ? - A virgin?

No!

No, no, no.

I got it.

Brrr, oooh!

It hurt, you know? I was like, "Aggh!"

- Why do you lie so much? - I'm not sure.

We should get back to work.

Yeah. Yeah.

Work.

Right.

These...

Right...

Nah, I don't really work here.

It's worked out really well.

I saw Deepak with his suitcases, put two and two together.

OK. Wow.

I just wanted to chat with you.

Alone.

Without Emma breathing down my...

Why do you hate her so much?

You ain't even met her.

Because she's nice.

I can tell.

So are you.

Whoa, Connor, what are you doing?

We can't, we were talking about your girlfriend.

I was trying to leave.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

♪ Where would I be without you, baby? ♪

♪ So if you need me, if you want me ♪

♪ To put it on you ♪

♪ Because I love ya ♪

♪ And don't you forget it ♪

♪ Whenever you need me, if you want me ♪

♪ To put it on you... ♪

The fuck?!

♪ Man, try say he's better than me ♪

♪ Tell my man, shut up ♪

♪ Mention my name in your tweets ♪

♪ Oi, rudeboy, shut up... ♪

Tracey, yeah?

Yes?

But she doesn't know that she's got cancer?

I don't have cancer.

She can function, but her head is just...

All right. Take these.

I ain't really got the time for this, so I'm just gonna...

Ooh, Stormzy!

You told him I've got cancer?

That you had a little bit.

Just small, small cancer.

What?

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