Original subtitles

DIANA: Hey, I got you a VIP table.

EASTON: Why don't we just go home... Give me back my fucking daughter!

I want to give them a frigging mind-blowing dessert.

People raved to me, Easton. They loved it.

It upset the whole balance of my menu.

Your menu is a bedtime story, dude.

I've been trying to tell you there's been a revolution in food

while you've had your head up your arse.

Get out of my fucking kitchen. You're fired.

YOU'RE fired! Get the fuck out of MY kitchen, bitch!

Go and cry in the woods and take a good, hard look at yourself!

Ahhhh-oh!

(DRUMS BEAT)

(GENERAL HUBBUB)

(BRANCH SNAPS)

Hello, friend.

Can we offer some warm by our fire?

Or perhaps you need some food or water?

He's going to kill every single one of us.

Wait a minute. I know you!

You are the famous Angry Chef Man.

(ALL MURMUR)

(GROANS) Oh, fuck. I need real booze.

You got anything else? This tastes like it could heal wounds.

No, just mead.

And it actually does have medicinal qualities.

Actually, medieval clerics...

OK, OK. OK, OK, OK. Just...just give me some more.

Wood Duck doesn't like us to be intoxicated before the ceremony.

Just...just give me some more.

Oh!

Oh, those poor medieval sods stuck drinking this piss.

And eating raw turnips.

Getting stabbed in the back by their families for their crowns.

(CHUCKLES)

Nothing much has changed, though, eh?

Families still want to chop off your head and put it on a spike,

and for what, eh?

Just because you want to cook good food.

The only thing you've ever been any good at.

Filthy betrayers.

(METAL CHIMES)

Brothers... (GROANS)

..sisters and non-binary friends, welcome.

This mushroom...

..is the first united key

that catapulted us

from ignorant ape to intelligent human being.

Its magic unlock art, technology,

language.

Nature provides us with answers

IF we are ready to listen.

(METAL CHIMES)

Are you sure you are ready for this, Mr Chef?

Yeah, and don't be stingy, Woodrow.

I'm twice the size of that little twerp who just had his go.

Yes, yes, my name is Wood Duck.

And please don't treat this lightly.

The magic provide to us with answers

but also can put very difficult questions.

Yeah, unless the question is "What's the square root of 5,000 fuckwits?"

I think I'll be alright.

70.71?

0678.

What? The square root of 5,000 fuckwits.

We're mathematicians.

Jesus wept.

Yeah.

Wood Duck is here for you.

If you need him, just say, Easton.

Yeah.

(DRUMS BEAT, PEOPLE CHANT, WHOOP)

(WHIMPERS)

AHHHH!

(VOMITS)

(COUGHS)

WOOD DUUUUCK!

Oh, fuck, Duck. Make it stop.

We need to get some sugar into you, and this will help bring you down.

Well, you must have a chocolate bar or something.

I don't eat refined sugar.

The spirit of the road will find us.

(GASPS) I've forgotten how to breathe.

Oh.

They won't stop for you. You look like something out of a nightmare.

Hey, wait, wait!

I'm Easton West! The chef!

I'm not one of them!

Are you the spirit of the road?

No.

Aren't you that wanker chef Easton West?

(GULPS)

I feel worse.

Ah, just brain freeze.

(ECHOES) Go to the bathroom and splash warm water on your face.

That will help straighten you up.

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYS)

MAN: Oh, Jimmy.

Dad, thank God.

Your mother doesn't want to be a mum anymore...

DIANA: Easton!

No-one...gives a shit... about your quenelles.

(LAUGHTER)

(VOICE ECHOES)

People are over the angry white guy schtick.

(LAUGHTER)

MARGOT: Take your pants off.

Take your pants off.

Take your pants off.

Take...your pants off.

It's time you started listening to me.

Your little family story's a FUCKING lie!

Just like everything else about you.

Denise!

Go cry in the woods

and take a good, hard look at yourself!

You're fired!

Bitch!

(BANG!)

Ahhhhh!

(SOFT MUZAK PLAYS)

(TYRES SQUEAL, CAR APPROACHES)

MAN: Hey, dickhead!

(LAUGHS)

Good evening to you too, friends.

Ah, of course, I will recycle

your single-use plastic bottle.

Any better? No. Much, much, much, much worse.

Listen, we need to go back to the camp.

There is a lot of danger in these roads tonight.

Let's go.

Your ego is stripped away.

You need to face your pain, confront it.

I need water. Give me some water.

I don't have water. There is water at camp.

I knew it, you selfish fucker.

I wouldn't do that.

(GULPS)

You're taking us the wrong way, anyway. I think it's this way.

No, it's not that way. Is this way. No, it's that way.

Well!

If you think it's that way, you should go that way

and not this way.

But Wood Duck will go that way.

Well, you're more cooked than I am anyway.

Why...why am I even following someone called Wood Duck?

I mean, who would call themselves that anyway?

Because it's my name. No, it's not.

It's probably something like Darryl or Geoffrey or something shit.

Wood Duck is my name.

Is in my driver's licence.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah?

And you... You are really Easton West?

(LAUGHS) Yes! You born Easton West?

Yes. I don't think so.

I am Easton West!

I am Easton West, celebrity chef.

I've worked in some of the greatest kitchens in the world.

I am someone.

And who are you? Who are you?

You know, some Frodo maths nerd with a Jesus complex.

Wood Duck?

WOOD DUUUUCK!

Yeah, Wood Duck, you're right.

I lied.

My name's Jimmy.

Jimmy West.

GIRL: Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Jimmy! Where have you been? You've been gone ages.

I was scared.

Getting dinner. Told you I'd be back.

Oh, what did you get?

A couple of rabbits, some mushrooms.

Denise, can you get some potatoes from the garden?

And a carrot or two?

OK.

Curl your fingers in, so you don't cut yourself.

Now, some of that special sauce.

(SIZZLING)

Oh, a bit more.

Oh. This is good, boy. Your mother would have loved this.

Don't be gone so long next time.

I won't. I promise.

This is really good.

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(CLANK!)

MAN: Oh. It's alive.

What happened?

You've been talking even more shit than usual.

You back on drugs? No.

Well, yeah, but...

..just the good ones.

Last night, I...

..I had a vision.

Babbling about ducks or something.

You know, I get it now.

What Mum leaving did to you, to all of us.

Denise being so angry.

Being so protective of Diana.

And you just...

..burying yourself in all that junk.

What are you on about?

I've gotta go and see Denise and Diana.

I gotta...I've gotta explain.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Last night I did something terrible.

Something...something unforgivable.

What now?

I took part in a drum circle.

WOMEN: One, two, three!

(WOMEN SQUEAL)

Oh!

Hello. Welcome to We Sell Beds.

Can I help you ladies with anything today?

Hi...Max.

We we're just wondering - do you sell beds?

Oh! (CHUCKLES) That's... Yes, that's very funny. Um...

You just let me know if you need anything, OK?

DENISE: Is there anything that takes your fancy?

Yeah, um, getting out of here.

Diana, the sooner you can choose one, the sooner we can leave.

Well, if you hadn't have chucked out my old one

the day after I moved out, like a frickin' psycho,

we wouldn't need to be here, would be?

Oh! You needed a new one,

and actually I think it's time for you to get a queen size.

Wow. Fat-shamed by my own mother. That's kind of a low blow.

That is not what I meant. I didn't...

I was talking about your age. Sure, sure.

What do you think of this one?

I think if I was a 19th-century Parisian whore, it would be perfect.

God, have you seen how exxy it is?

Quality beds last a long time.

Yeah, but not if I lay on it and it cracks under my weight...

Diana, stop. Oh, Denise, relax, OK?

I don't care about my brave curves.

Just get whatever you want. I don't care.

I won't be home for that long anyway.

But you've only just come home.

Yeah, but now I'm on the foodie radar, so who knows what'll happen.

OK, I'm really confused. I thought that last night did not go well.

Didn't go well for Easton, but my dish was a hit.

I mean, everyone was raving about my vag.

How's it going, guys? Can I help you with anything?

Hey, Max. Yeah, we were just talking about my vagina.

I have a question. Um...

I was reading about those memory foam mattresses,

the ones that allow for body contouring.

They apparently reduce the motion transfer

for peaceful, undisturbed sleep.

Do you have any in stock?

And preferably one with the gel memory technology

that regulates body temperature?

I might, um...ask the manager and see if that one exists.

I'll be right back.

(MOTOR HUMS)

So what happens now with the restaurant?

I don't know.

He comes crawling back when he realises

he can't do shit without me, I guess.

How is this meant to be comfortable?

Diana, I know that you're ambitious, but you're also young.

You should be...enjoying life,

going out, hanging with Nayani.

Hmm.

I guess she's busy.

You could start the hot bun stall again.

You both used to have so much fun doing that.

Yeah. Um...

Selling cakes out of a pub car park

isn't really the career move I was hoping for.

The aim is to kind of move up.

No, I didn't mean it to be a career move.

I just meant it to be sort of like a part-time thing

while you're exploring other opportunities.

It's a very fickle industry, Diana. Mm-hm.

Look at your uncle.

One minute you're on top and the next you're...

So that's what this is all about, then?

Back on the ol' uni train?

Well, it's not too late for enrolments.

I can certainly pull some strings.

What's it going to take, Mum?

Like, I'm literally getting showered with praise,

everybody's talking about me, and you still have no faith in me.

I do have faith in you.

I just don't have faith in... in the world being fair.

The best people aren't always the ones that get rewarded.

I'm just trying to make sure that...

..everything is easier for you than it was for me.

Mm-hm.

I mean, you have the luxury of living rent-free

and home-cooked meals.

'Cause that's a reason to stick around - your home cooking.

I made a lot of sacrifices

so that you could have all the opportunities in the world.

What, and that means I owe you a degree?

I just don't want you making the same mistakes that I did.

Me either. Why the hell else do you think I'm using protection?

I want to make sure

that our fucked-up family genes end right here.

On second thoughts, maybe a single bed will suffice.

Really? That's it?

See, this is exactly the problem.

Don't bother having a discussion, why bother talking about anything?

What if you turn 40 and this baking thing hasn't paid off?

Well, I guess I'll just sell my $10,000 bed to make ends meet.

Also "baking thing"? This is not just...

I am trying to tell a story,

which is something that nobody in this family seems to understand,

and I'm trying to embrace my experiences

and actually use them for something.

And if you'd bothered to show up last night,

instead of driving off like some selfish fucking arsehole...

Oh, I'm selfish? ..then maybe you'd know that.

I was 11 years old when Easton left me so he could go off and cook.

And is that my fault? I just don't understand why you're punishing me.

How would you feel if I re-created your childhood home, Diana?

Remember that one?

Where your father punched a hole in the wall

and held me up by my throat and threatened to kill me?

What fun dish would you re-create using that?

Or maybe you don't remember or you just don't care

because you're too fucking selfish.

Um, excuse me... Um...

Not now, Max.

OK.

Think you might be too old for this?

No.

Mmm. It's quite comfortable.

More comfortable than our old one.

You shared bunks with Easton?

Mm.

Who had the top and who had the bottom?

Wait. Let me guess - whatever he wanted.

Actually, no.

Were you guys close?

Not particularly.

I'm just like him.

Who?

Oh, no, Diana, you're not. I am. (SNIFFLES) I am.

I'm an arsehole, I'm self-centred, I was a dick to you,

I was dick to Nayani.

I was a dick to fricking Max.

I'm selfish and I swear like a motherfunker.

Honey...

Honey.

Believe me, you are nothing like him.

The fact that you actually give a damn makes you not like him.

Remember that that day that you rang me up from school

and sobbing and...

..because you'd realised that it was my birthday and you'd forgotten?

Mm-hm.

And you wouldn't stop crying and apologising,

and I kept on saying, "It doesn't matter."

And then when I got home, you'd made me...you'd made me dinner.

You were only 13. It wasn't a good dinner.

30 years, Diana.

Not one birthday card, not one apology.

You are nothing like him.

OK, look, sorry, you have to get off the bed now.

Seriously, you can't both be up there.

Actually, neither of you should be up there.

It's a child's bunk and you're both adults, so...

I'd make a violent crumble.

The dish based on the memory of arsehole Dad.

I'd make a wall of violet crumble

and then the diners would have to punch it and eat it

and I'd call it Violent Crumble.

Please get off the fucking bed!

Thank you. (BOTH LAUGH)

(VACUUM CLEANER HUMS)

Can you take your bags out until they arrive?

Why? There's plenty of room.

They need room to assemble it.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS DOWN)

Oh!

I wish we could get rid of that thing before the new one arrives.

BOTH: One, two, three!

(BOTH SQUEAL)

EASTON: Oh, fuck!

What's with the mattress?

What's with the blood? Oh, it's not mine.

Shame. I went hunting.

It's been quite the night.

Oh, has it? That's nice.

Mine wasn't great.

Look, I know you're both angry with me

and you have every right to be.

If you want to unleash, feel free to hit me

just to get it off your chest.

(THWACK!) Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Would you like a stick or are you going to use your hand?

Oh, I'm...I'm OK, thank you.

I see it all now.

I get it.

I've been a...

I've been a royal dick to both of you.

Mm. But last night I was thinking.

I've got something to show you.

You just have to come to the restaurant and see.

And then if you want, you can leave.

And if you feel like you want to hit me again, you can do that, too.

Just come.

You keep an eye on things.

What the hell?

How did you come up with this?

He didn't.

I did. Well, it was a team effort.

Oh, you're on his team now, are you, Dad?

Well, he's still a dickhead.

Here, take this.

That will put hairs on your chest, that will.

Ah. Hairy tits.

Boys will go nuts. Cheers.

Oh, my God. What is it?

He won't tell me what he brews it with.

Wild garlic.

You're not the only culinary genius around here, you prick.

Well, no wonder it goes so well in the stew.

Here, sit.

Remember this, Denise. Mm.

Wild rabbit.

We lived on this when we were kids.

I had a vision last night while I was...

And this dish came back to...to me.

I'm gonna serve it tonight, straight from the fire pit.

That's what I should have been doing all along.

All of it, you know, the mechanics' workshop, the...the fire pit,

the house, having Jim here...

Oh, don't bring me into it.

The fire pit will be the centrepiece

and we'll...we'll bring the guests here before the sitting.

Tonight, we'll have wild rabbit.

Tomorrow night, Jim can get a roo

or whatever the fuck he can shoot without getting arrested.

It'll be more than just a meal, it'll be an experience.

Wow. Really got hit hard

with the original thinking stick last night, didn't you?

I know it was your idea but I'm just riffing on it.

Just this will be truly unique.

What about everything else? What do you mean?

What? Are you serious?

Yeah, I know we both got a little bit heated last night

and things were said that shouldn't be said, but...

So your great revelation was about cooking rabbit stew?

What a joke.

You know, I actually thought maybe you brought me here to apologise.

Yeah, I know. Just working up to it.

This isn't even about you

completely disregarding everything that I'm about,

but it's just your inability to recognise

what a toxic shitbird you actually are.

Yeah, I-I can see that now, but...

..but I think we can do this together, you and me.

Oh.

Just tell me what I need to do to change.

I don't think you can change... Dad?

..that's the freaking problem. (GROANS)

(CLATTERING) Dad!

Dad?

You are the culinary equivalent to a meth lab.

Then I guess you don't need me no more, since you Harry Styles.

I guess not.

You're embarrassing yourself, man! (GRUNTS)

I don't want her thinking

her entire family

are a bunch of dysfunctional liars.

But we are.

Where's Grandma June?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation