Original subtitles

[dramatic symphonic music]

♪

[whooshing]

- [discordant] ♪ 200 MOTELS

- [German accent] 200 MOTELS!

LIFE ON THE ROAD!

[cymbal crashes]

[atonal music]

♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

AND HERE HE IS... - WHO?

- LARRY THE DWARF!

[cheers and applause]

LARRY LIKES TO DRESS UP FUNNY.

TONIGHT, HE'S DRESSED UP LIKE FRANK ZAPPA.

LET'S ASK HIM, "WHAT'S THE DEAL?"

HI, LARRY. IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK ON OUR PANEL.

- HI, DAVE, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK ON YOUR PANEL.

- I'M SURE THE PEOPLE AT HOME WILL BE INTERESTED TO KNOW

WHY SUCH A LARGE DWARF AS YOU

IS ALL DRESSED UP LIKE FRANK ZAPPA.

TELL US, LARRY, EH... WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- HE MADE ME DO IT, DAVE.

HE'S SUCH A CREEP.

HE'S MAKING ME HOLD THIS ALADDIN.

- AND WHY IS HE MAKING YOU DO THAT, LARRY?

- HE WANTS ME TO FUCK THE GIRL WITH THE HARP.

[laughter]

- HE WANTS YOU TO FUCK THE GIRL...WITH THE HARP?

- NO, NO! WITH THE MAGIC LAMP.

HE WANTS ME TO STUFF IT UP HER AND RUB IT.

[chuckles lecherously]

HO HO HO, HA HA!

AH HA HA HA, HO HO!

[bubbling]

- LET'S ASK OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.

IF YOU'D JUST BEEN LOWERED DOWN HERE ON TV

BY A WIRE CONNECTED TO A BROWN LEATHER HARNESS,

FORCED BY A CRAZY PERSON TO INSERT A MYSTERIOUS,

IMPORTED LAMP INTO THE REPRODUCTIVE--

REP-REP-REP--INTO-INTO THE REP-REP-REPRODUCTIVE ORIFICE

OF A LADY HARPIST, AND YOU WERE A DWARF...

WOULD YOU DO IT?

- YES!

[all cheering]

- LET'S SPIN THE BIG WHEEL, LARRY!

GO AHEAD, GIVE IT A WHIRL!

male announcer: WHAT OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE DOESN'T KNOW

IS THAT THE REASON LARRY THE DWARF

IS DOING ALL THIS STUFF IS BECAUSE IT'S ALL

PART OF THE SCORE TO 200 MOTELS.

EVERY WORD, EVERY ACTION-- THE LAMP,

THE REPRODUCTIVE ORIFICE--

IT'S ALL IN THE SCORE, SO HE HAS TO DO IT.

THIS WHOLE EVENT IS A FANTASY THAT OCCURRED

TOURING ON THE ROAD.

TOURING CAN MAKE YOU CRAZY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT 200 MOTELSIS ALL ABOUT.

- SING! [rock music]

OW!

LOOK OUT!

AAH!

LOOK OUT!

AAH!

LOOK OUT!

AAH!

both: ♪ HOW LONG?

♪ HOW LONG?

♪ TILL THE MYSTERY ROACH BE ARRIVIN' SOON ♪

♪ YA-OOO

♪ YA-OOO

♪ YA-OOO

♪ YA-OOO

♪ THE MYSTERY ROACH BE APPROACHIN' ♪

♪ MYSTERY ROACH BE APPROACHIN' ME ♪

♪ OOF!

- ♪ OW!

both: ♪ HOW LONG?

♪ HOW LONG?

♪ TILL THE MYSTERY ROACH BE GONE ♪

♪ YA-OOO-OOO-OO-OOO

♪ HEY

♪

♪ YA-OOO-OOO-OO-OOO

♪

♪ THE MYSTERY ROACH BE APPROACHIN' ♪

♪ THE MYSTERY ROACH BE APPROACHIN' ME ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, OOF

♪ MYSTERY ROACH BE APPROACHIN'

♪ MYSTERY ROACH BE APPROACHIN' ME ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, OOF ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

♪ MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY MYSTERY ROACH ♪

[overlapping shouts and grunts]

- ROOM SERVICE?

[overlapping shouts]

- OHH...OHH...

MYSTERY ROACH?

WHAT ARE WE SINGING ABOUT?

WE MUST BE... FLIPPING OUT!

- [German accent] SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR MR. VOLMAN!

MR. VOLMAN?

[electronic beeping]

ARE YOU VOLMAN?

- [sniffs]

DO YOU SMELL SOMETHIN' WEIRD?

[sniffs]

IT'S A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER

FROM A FAMOUS AMERICAN BURGER CHAIN,

WITH A SYMBOL IN THE PARKING LOT

THAT'S YELLOW PLASTIC AND GOES LIKE THIS:

- RANCE MUHAMMITZ...

RANCE MUHAMMITZ... RANCE...

RANCE MUHAMMITZ...

RANCE...

RANCE...

- MUHAMMITZ...

MUHAMMITZ...

MUHAMMITZ...

- IN A STEAMING BRIEFCASE!

[electronic beeping]

- YOU'RE VOLMAN!

- YEAH. NO. NO.

HE'S VOLMAN. WHO ARE YOU?

- YOU MUST CALL ME... RANCE MUHAMMITZ.

- RANCE MUHAMMITZ?

STUPIDEST NAME I EVER HEARD OF.

- YEAH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER

THAT WITHIN THE CONCEPTUAL FRAMEWORK OF THIS FILMIC EVENT,

NOTHING REALLY MATTERS.

IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE

FOR SEVERAL SUBJECTIVE REALITIES TO COEXIST.

IT IS POSSIBLE THAT ALL THINGS ARE A DECEPTION OF THE SENSES.

- RIGHT ON, RANCE.

THE FUNCTIONING OF OUR SENSES HAS BEEN SPIRITUALLY IMPAIRED

AND CHEMICALLY CORRUPTED BY THE FAKE,

ARTIFICIAL FOOD COLORING.

- BY THE WAY...

MR. VOLMAN...

[creak] I HAVE...

[creak]

YOUR CHEESEBURGER!

- WE MUST EVOLVE. - YEAH.

- WE MUST PROGRESS. - PROGRESS.

- THERE MUST BE GROWTH!

- YEAH...MACROBIOTIC FOODS AND TIE-DYE SHIRTS!

- HEY, YOU GONNA EAT THAT CHEESEBURGER, MARK?

[munching, burps]

- FUCKING GUY WILL EAT ANYTHING.

- THIS IS REGISTERED DELIVERY.

YOU WILL HAVE TO SIGN FOR IT.

- SURE MAN, I'LL SIGN. WHERE'S A PENCIL?

- I DON'T WISH TO ALARM YOU, MY SON...

BUT THE SIGNATURE WILL HAVE TO BE...

IN BLOOD.

- LISTEN MAN, I JUST WANNA KNOW TWO THINGS.

IS THERE ANY BEER IN THIS FAKE NIGHTCLUB,

AND WHEN DO WE GET PAID?

- GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

IN A MOMENT OR TWO, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET YOUR HANDS

ON ALL THE IMAGINARY BEER THAT YOU WANT.

FOR THE MOMENT, I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN

SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU'LL ALL BE DOING IN THIS MOVIE.

- I'VE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

- FOR SHERWOOD...

WE HAVE A VACUUM CLEANER SCHEDULED.

- A VACUUM CLEANER?

- AND A POTENTIAL EPILEPTIC SEIZURE

DURING A PRODUCTION NUMBER LATER ON.

- A VACUUM CLEANER!

OHH, THANK YOU.

- I THOUGHT THE TWO OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET ACQUAINTED.

IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE.

- THIS ABNORMAL RELATIONSHIP WILL BE GREAT

FOR THE BIG STORY I'M GOING TO WRITE!

- LISTEN, MAN, I JUST WANNA KNOW ONE THING:

WHEN DO WE GET PAID?

- NO, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK--

DON'T YOU EVEN CARE WHAT YOU DO?

- SO LONG AS I GET SOME BEER AND I GET PAID,

YOU CAN MAKE ME DO ANYTHING.

I'M PROFESSIONAL!

- YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL TALKIN' ABOUT THAT STUFF.

- WHY? DOES HE LISTEN?

- HE ALWAYS LISTENS.

HE ALWAYS WATCHES AND LISTENS TO ALL THE GUYS IN THE BAND.

I'VE BEEN IN THE BAND FOR YEARS,

[echoing] AND I KNOW.

HE ALWAYS LISTENS.

- THAT'S HOW HE GETS ALL HIS MATERIAL.

IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE NATURAL,

FRIENDLY,

GOOD-NATURED,

HUMOROUS.

[laughing]

[laughter and rumbling]

all: YEAH, WELL, FINE!

- AND THEN HE RIPS US OFF

AND HE SNEAKS OFF INTO A SECRET ROOM SOMEPLACE

AND BOILS IT IN AMMONIA

AND HE GETS IT PERVERTED,

AND THEN HE BRINGS IT BACK TO US

AT REHEARSALS AND MAKES US PLAY IT!

- HEY, MAN, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?

- IT'S HIM. YOU CAN SEE HIM. HE'S WATCHING.

- DO YOU THINK HE HEARD US?

- I'VE BEEN IN THE BAND FOR YEARS.

YOU CAN BET THAT HE HEARD EVERYTHING.

- YEAH, LET'S GO OVER AND PRETEND TO BE NICE TO HIM.

- YEAH, LET'S GO OVER AND PRETEND

WE DON'T KNOW HE'S WATCHING.

- YEAH, AND RIPPIN' OFF ALL OUR GOOD MATERIAL.

HI, MAN!

- HI, FRANK!

- HI, MAN! - HI, FRANK!

- HI, MAN! - HEY, FRANK!

- HEY, THAT'S A GREAT NEW SONG YOU WROTE.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE ABOUT THE PENIS AND EVERYTHING?

I WAS LAUGHIN' A LOT THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LEARNIN' IT!

- YEAH, WE WERE ALL LAUGHIN', FRANK!

[all laugh]

all: YEAH? WELL, FINE!

- YEAH, IT TOOK A LITTLE WHILE TO GET INTO IT, MAN,

BUT ONCE WE GOT THE DRIFT, PHEW!

- YEAH, LOTS OF GREAT PARTS YOU GOT IN THERE

FOR THE CHORUS-- YOU KNOW WHEN THEY GO...

all: ♪ RAN-TAN-RAN-TOON RAN-TAN-TAN ♪

- AND I STEAL THE ROOM AND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T EVEN MIND YOU RIPPIN' IT OFF FROM ME,

JUST AS LONG AS I GET PAID.

- OH, AND I DON'T EVEN MIND THE PART WHERE HE SAYS,

"WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS FABULOUS ELIXIR?"

SO LONG AS ME AND HOWARD AND JEFF SIMMONS,

WHO LEFT THE GROUP JUST BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTED,

GET CREDIT FOR SPECIAL MATERIAL.

- I'M DEEPLY OFFENDED BY YOUR LACK OF ARTISTIC SENSE.

- LOOK HERE, MUHAMMITZ, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY CALL YA,

I DON'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT, MAN!

I GOT FIVE FUCKIN' KIDS AT HOME AND--

COULD YOU LEND ME A COUPLE OF BUCKS

UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEK?

WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

- OH, SHE WRITES FOR THE IMAGINARY

ROCK AND ROLL NEWSPAPER IN SAN FRANCISCO.

- SAN FRANCISCO?

[haunting orchestral music]

♪

[door rattling]

all: MAN!

- OH! UH...

HE'S MAKING ME LEAVE HERE NOW.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER WHEN WE PLAY.

- WHAT?

- I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT,

BECAUSE, UH, WE HAVEN'T FORMED THE GROUP YET.

- AH, MARK WILL PLAY THE BASS.

- ♪ BA-DOOM-DOOM-DOOM-DOOM

- HOWIE WILL SING AND PLAY SAX.

- ♪ DWEE-DAT-DWEE-DAT

♪ DWEET-DAT-DWEE-DAT

- I'LL PLAY THE GUITAR...

♪ WOOP-DOO-DOO-DOO

AND THE DWARF HERE WILL PLAY DRUMS!

[all scatting]

- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS GUY ISN'T EVEN A DWARF!

- THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS THE GROUP WILL BE SO COMMERCIAL!

[bassoon blows]

- AH. WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GUYS?

- AH, THEY'RE ALREADY FORMING GROUPS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHY WAIT TILL THE END OF THE MOVIE?

WE COULD HAVE A HIT SINGLE RIGHT NOW!

- HE'S RIGHT, HE'S RIGHT! WE DON'T NEED AYNSLEY.

- NO. - WE DON'T NEED IAN.

- NO. - WE DON'T NEED GEORGE!

- NO! - WE DON'T NEED ANYBODY!

- NO! - ARGH!

- HE NEEDS US, REMEMBER.

WE DON'T NEED HIM! - YEAH!

ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS ARE TOO OLD FOR ROCK.

THEY'RE OUT OF IT!

WE COULD HAVE A TIGHT LITTLE HEAVY LITTLE BAND

WITH THIS DWARF HERE.

YOU KNOW THAT HE--HE USED TO PLAY DRUMS FOR LEON RUSSELL.

all: OHH...

- LISTEN, YOU'RE RIGHT. ZAPPA'S 30.

- YEAH, MAN. 30 YEARS OLD...

- OH, HE'S OUT OF IT, MAN!

HE'S TOO OLD. HE SHOULD RETIRE.

- YEAH, REALLY. YOU CAN'T TRUST OLD PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD TAKE UP A COLLECTION

AND BUY HIM A WATCH.

[eerie opera music]

♪

- ♪ I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS STUFF ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN A LITTLE BUSY

♪ THIS WON'T TAKE LONG

♪ JUST A FEW QUESTIONS

♪ THIS WON'T TAKE LONG

♪ JUST A FEW QUESTIONS

♪

♪ THIS WON'T TAKE LONG

♪ JUST A FEW QUESTIONS

♪ JUST A FEW QUESTIONS

♪

♪ THIS...

♪ WON'T...

♪ TAKE...

♪ LONG...

♪

♪ THIS...

♪ WON'T...

♪ TAKE...

♪ LONG...

♪

♪ THIS...

♪ WON'T...

♪ TAKE...

♪ LONG...

♪

♪ THIS...

♪ WON'T...

♪ TAKE...

♪ LONG...

[woman screeching]

[birds tweeting]

- I HEAR BIRDS!

- WHAT'S HE SAYING? - YOU TOOK THE MYSTERY BURGER!

YOU ARE IN FULL POSSESSION OF...

THE BURGER!

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

HMM?

DO YOU KNOW WHO I REALLY AM?

AGH.

- REALLY, MAN!

WHO...DO YOU THINK...

YOU ARE?

UHH!

- YEAH, DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHO

I REALLY THINK YOU ARE?

- OH, SOMEBODY TELL ME WHO IS THIS GUY?

[music plays, voice not audible]

both: CENTERVILLE.

A REAL NICE PLACE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS UP.

CENTERVILLE.

IT'S REALLY NEAT!

CHURCHES.

CHURCHES.

AND LIQUOR STORES.

[giggling]

OH, YEAH! IT'S...

JUST LIKE GLENDALE.

both: LOOK!

OVER THERE.

IT'S A RANCID BOUTIQUE.

- [gasps]

- JANET, DID YOU SEE THOSE GUYS WITH THE HAIR?

IT'S THOSE GUYS FROM THE FAKE STAGE

ACROSS THE STREET FROM OUR HOUSE.

- OOH, I GET SO EXCITED WHEN SOMEBODY

FROM A GROUP GETS NEAR ME.

I JUST... OOH, I JUST...

- DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?

THAT ONE GUY'S GOT GRAY HAIR, AND THE OTHER ONE'S TOO FAT.

- BUT THEY LOOK SO LONELY.

- LONELY? GOOD EVENING, HONEY.

THEY LOOK DESPERATE.

DESPERATE POP STARS ARE SO DEPRESSING

WHEN THEY'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR SUCH A LONG TIME,

AND THEY FINALLY GET SOME ACTION.

- THEY DROOL ON YOU.

- REALLY. ALL THAT STUFF THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH

WHEN THEY'RE ON TOP OF YOU.

IT'S SO MOCHE.EWW.

- EW, ON THE PILLOWS.

- BUT I LIKE THE DRUMMER

WITH THE RIVETS ON HIS CLOTHES.

HE'S NOT BAD.

- YEAH, I'VE SEEN HIM TOO.

HE JUST SCREAMS "ENGLISHNESS"

WITH THAT LITTLE HAIRCUT AND THE RINGS.

- AND THE BINOCULARS.

- BINOCULARS?

- DIDN'T YOU NOTICE HIS BINOCULARS?

- NO. HE'S GOT BINOCULARS?

- HE WATCHES US THROUGH THEM. HE'S A PERVERT.

- OH, I GET SO HOT JUST THINKING ABOUT PERVERSIONS.

MAYBE WHEN WE GO DOWN TO THE FAKE NIGHTCLUB TONIGHT

WE CAN MEET HIM AND FIND OUT IF HE REALLY IS PERVERTED.

JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. HE IS PERVERTED.

- MMM... AND ENGLISH, TOO.

- THEY'RE ALL THAT WAY.

[rock music]

♪

- ♪ THIS TOWN

♪ THIS TOWN

♪ IS A SEALED

♪ TUNA SANDWICH

♪ SEALED

♪ TUNA SANDWICH

♪ WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED

- ♪ WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED!

- ♪ IT'S BY BALONEY ON THE RACK ♪

♪ RANT-TANT-TANT

♪ TANT-TANT-TANT TANT-TANT-TANT ♪

♪ IT GOES FOR 40 CENTS A WHACK ♪

[buzzing]

♪ IT'S JUST A RANCID

♪ LITTLE SNACK

♪ IN A PLASTIC BAG

♪ FROM A MATRON IN LA HABRA

♪ WITH A BLOWN-OUT CRACK

♪ WHO DIES TO SUCK THE FRINGE

♪ OFF OF JIMMY CARL BLACK

[indistinct chatter]

♪

- ♪ MY NAME IS BURTRAM

♪ I AM A REDNECK

♪ ALL MY FRIENDS

♪ THEY CALL ME BURT

- HI, BURT!

- ♪ ALL MY FAMILY

♪ FROM DOWN IN TEXAS

♪ MAKE THEIR LIVIN'

♪ DIGGIN' DIRT

♪ COME OUT HERE TO CALIFORNY

♪ JUST TO FIND ME

♪ SOME PRETTY GIRLS

♪ ONES I SEEN

♪ GET ME SO HORNY

♪ RUBY LIPS AND TEETH LIKE PEARLS ♪

♪ WANNA LOVE 'EM ALL

♪ WANNA LOVE 'EM DEARLY

♪ WANNA PRETTY GIRL

♪ I'LL EVEN PAY

♪ I'LL BUY 'EM FURS

♪ I'LL BUY 'EM JEWELRY

♪ I KNOW THEY LIKE ME

♪ HERE'S WHAT I SAY

♪

♪ I'M LONESOME COWBOY BURT

♪ SPEAKIN' ATCHA

♪ COME SMELL MY FRINGE-Y SHIRT

♪ REEKIN' ATCHA

♪ MY COWBOY PANTS

♪ MY COWBOY DANCE

♪ MY BOLD ADVANCE

♪ ON THIS

♪ HERE

♪ WAITRESS

♪ YODEL-OH-OO-PEE-HEY

♪ YODEL-OH-OO-PEE-EE-EE

- ♪ HE'S LONESOME COWBOY BURT

♪ DON'TCHA GET HIS FEELINGS HURT ♪

- ♪ COME ON IN THIS PLACE

♪ AND I'LL BUY YOU A TASTE

♪ YOU CAN SIT ON MY FACE

♪ WHERE'S MY WAITRESS?

♪

- ♪ BURTRAM

♪ BURTRAM REDNECK

- ♪ YEAH, YEAH.

- ♪ BURTRAM

♪ BURTRAM REDNECK

- ♪ I'M AN AWFUL NICE GUY

♪ SWEAT ALL DAY IN THE SUN

♪ ROOFER BY TRADE, QUITE A BUNDLE I'VE MADE ♪

♪ I'M A UNIONIZED ROOFIN' OLD SON-OF-A-GUN ♪

- ♪ HE'S A UNIONIZED ROOFIN' OLD SON-OF-A-GUN ♪

♪

♪ WHEN I GET OFF, I GET PLASTERED ♪

♪ DRINK TILL I FALL ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ FIND ME SOME COMMUNIST BASTARD ♪

♪ AND STOMP ON HIS FACE TILL HE DON'T MOVE NO MORE ♪

- ♪ HE STOMPS ON HIS FACE TILL HE DON'T MOVE NO MORE ♪

♪

- ♪ I FUSS AND I CUSS AND I KEEP ON DRINKIN' ♪

♪ TILL MY EYES PUFF UP AND TURN RED ♪

♪ I DROOL ON MY SHIRT, I SEE IF HE'S HURT ♪

♪ I KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD ♪

♪ LET'S KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD, BOYS ♪

♪ KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD, NOW ♪

♪ KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD

♪ LONESOME COWBOY BURT

♪ SPEAKIN' ATCHA

♪ COME SMELL MY FRINGE-Y SHIRT

♪ REEKIN' ATCHA!

♪ MY COWBOY PANTS

♪ MY COWBOY DANCE

♪ MY BOLD ADVANCE

♪ ON THIS

♪ HERE WAITRESS

♪ YODEL-OH-OO-PEE-YEH

♪ YODEL-OH-OO-PEE!

[laughs]

- ♪ HE'S LONESOME COWBOY BURT

♪ DON'TCHA GET HIS FEELINGS HURT ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ BUT COME ON IN THIS PLACE

♪ AND I'LL BUY YOU A TASTE

♪ AND YOU CAN SIT ON MY FACE

♪ WHERE'S MY WAITRESS?

OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH!

[cymbal crashes]

- YES, JIMMY CARL BLACK,

INDIAN OF THE GROUP...

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

[coughing]

- MOHANNITZ! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

- YOU JUST CALLED ME, DIDN'T YOU?

- ALL I SAID WAS "OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH."

- I AM KNOWN BY MANY NAMES.

- [chuckles]

YOU GOT MANY FRIENDS WHO CALL YOU

"OPAL THE HOT LITTLE BITCH"?

- PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE MR. BLACK.

LET US CUT THE SMALL TALK AND GET ON WITH YOUR BRIEFING.

- FINE, YOU CAN BRIEF ME ALL YOU WANT,

AS LONG AS YOU CAN TELL ME TWO THINGS...

- I KNOW: WHEN DO WE GET PAID...

- NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE'S THAT WAITRESS.

- MM-HMM, WAITRESS...

- AND IF SHE COMES IN THIS PLACE,

WILL SHE SIT ON MY FACE

AND LOAN ME A COUPLE BUCKS UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEK?

- COUPLE OF BUCKS... - HEH HEH!

- END OF THE WEEK...

WEEK ENDING-- THE WEEK ENDING...

WHAT--WHAT THAT? WHAT'S THE DATE?

- UH, TUESDAY WAS THE 5TH.

UH, MONDAY WAS THE 3RD.

MAKE THAT OUT FOR SUNDAY-- - DA-AH-AH!

DON'T SAY SUNDAY.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH SUNDAY? - [whimpers]

THE LORD'S DAY! [imitating gunfire]

A DAY OF REST! [imitating gunfire]

JUST MAKE THAT SUCKER OUT FOR THE 23RD OF MARCH, WOULD YA?

[creak]

- VERY WELL, MR. BLACK.

OH, BY THE WAY.

I HAVE HERE THE SPECIAL BEER I PROMISED YOU EARLIER.

- OH, MAN, IT'S ABOUT TIME. I'VE BEEN WAITING.

WOULD YOU CARE TO SIGN FOR IT?

- THIS IS A PENCIL?

- NO, MR. BLACK, IT IS A PIN.

- A PIN?

- WOULD YOU JAB YOURSELF IN THE FINGER WITH IT?

- LISTEN, MOHANNITZ, I MAY BE PROFESSIONAL,

BUT I'M NOT THAT PROFESSIONAL. I JUST WANT MY BEER.

- SIGN FIRST!

IN BLOOD.

- FUCK YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,

THE DEVIL OR SOMETHING?

- I AM KNOWN BY MANY NAMES.

- YOU PROBABLY GOT SOME MORE WEIRD NAMES FOR YOURSELF,

BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING: YOU AIN'T NEV--

DEFINITELY AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE CALLED,

AND THAT'S THE DEVIL, BECAUSE YOU AIN'T THE DEVIL.

- OH, I'M NOT?

- YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS YOU'RE NOT.

THE FUCKIN' DEVIL'S GOT AN ENGLISH ACCENT.

I SEEN HIM THREE WEEKS AGO ON TV.

SO YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST TAKE THIS BIG NEEDLE HERE

AND HANG IT IN YOUR ASS, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!

[boom]

[coughing] FUCKIN' GUY MUST HAVE BEEN A COMMUNIST!

[bubbling] - HELLO THERE.

WHEN YOU GO ON TOUR WITH A MUSICAL GROUP,

IT'S POSSIBLE THAT ANY TOWN CAN SEEM LIKE THIS...

WHETHER IT'S LARGE OR SMALL, OR BUSY,

OR IF THERE'S NOTHING HAPPENING IN IT.

THE REASON FOR THIS IS QUITE SIMPLE.

A MUSICIAN, IF YOU CONSIDER THE NORMAL PATTERN

OF MODERN CIVILIZED LIFE,

IS ON THE OUTSIDE OF IT ALL.

HE DOESN'T BUILD THINGS,

HE DOESN'T WORK REGULAR HOURS

LIKE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING CITIZEN,

AND THE LIFE HE LEADS, IN MANY WAYS,

SEEMS USELESS AND IRRELEVANT TO THOSE OF US

WHO'D PREFER A QUIET EVENING IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION

AND A BOTTLE OF BEER.

AMAZING AS IT MIGHT SEEM TO SOME OF US,

MUSICIANS HAVE BASIC PHYSICAL NEEDS,

JUST LIKE REAL PEOPLE.

MANY OF THEM STUDY FOR YEARS,

LEARNING TO PLAY THE VIOLIN, FOR INSTANCE,

ONLY TO BE REWARDED WITH A HUMDRUM JOB

IN THE FOURTH ROW OF A SYMPHONIC STRING SECTION.

THAT'S WHY THE GOVERNMENT HAVE CONSTRUCTED,

AT GREAT EXPENSE,

THIS EXPERIMENTAL REORIENTATION FACILITY...

[drum roll]

TO FIND A WAY, PERHAPS, TO RETRAIN THESE USELESS

OLD MUSICIANS WITH THEIR BROWN FIDDLES AND LITTLE HORNS,

GIVE THEM A TRADE...

A REASON TO EXIST IN THE MODERN WORLD,

A CHANCE OF A HAPPIER, MORE PRODUCTIVE LIFE.

SOME WILL ENTER THE MILITARY,

SOME WILL LEARN SHORTHAND,

AND SOME WILL DISAPPEAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

ON A SPECIAL TRAIN THEY'RE SENDING IN.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY, REALLY,

TO BRING ABOUT THE FINAL SOLUTION

TO THE ORCHESTRA QUESTION.

[indistinct chatter]

I'M SURE THAT MANY OF US REALIZE

THAT A POP GROUP CAN EARN A VAST AMOUNT OF MONEY

COMPARED TO THESE OTHER KINDS OF MUSICIANS.

THAT'S WHY THE SPECIAL GOVERNMENT AGENCIES

FOR MASS RESPONSE PROGRAMMING AND PSYCHOLOGICAL STULTIFICATION

PREFER TO TREAT THEM IN A MORE SUBTLE MANNER.

THEY KNOW, JUST AS MANY OF YOU

VIGILANT AND THOROUGHLY UPSTANDING CITIZENS

HAVE DISCOVERED FOR YOURSELVES,

THE POWER OF POP MUSIC TO CORRUPT AND PUTREFY

THE MINDS OF WORLD YOUTH ARE VIRTUALLY LIMITLESS.

[rock music]

- ♪ OOH, THE WAY YOU LOVE ME, LADY ♪

♪ I GET SO HARD NOW I COULD DIE ♪

♪

♪ OOH, THE WAY YOU LOVE ME, SUGAR ♪

♪ I GET SO HARD NOW I COULD DIE ♪

♪

♪ OPEN UP YOUR POCKETBOOK

♪ GET ANOTHER QUARTER OUT

♪ DROP IT IN THE METER, MAMA

♪ TRY ME ON FOR SIZE

♪

♪ OPEN UP YOUR POCKETBOOK

♪ GET ANOTHER QUARTER OUT

♪ DROP IT IN THE METER, MAMA

♪ TRY ME ON FOR SIZE

♪

♪ OOH, THE WAY YOU SQUEEZE ME, BABY ♪

♪ RED BALLOONS JUST POP BEHIND MY EYES ♪

♪

♪ OOH, THE WAY YOU SQUEEZE ME, GIRL ♪

♪ RED BALLOONS JUST POP BEHIND MY EYES ♪

♪

♪ OPEN UP YOUR POCKETBOOK

♪ GET ANOTHER QUARTER OUT

♪ DROP IT IN THE METER, MAMA

♪ TRY ME ON FOR SIZE

♪

♪ OPEN UP YOUR POCKETBOOK

♪ GET ANOTHER QUARTER OUT

♪ DROP IT IN THE METER, MAMA

♪ TRY ME ON FOR SIZE

♪

- ♪ DO YOU REALLY WANNA PLEASE ME? ♪

- ♪ WELL, YOU KNOW I DO, BABE

- ♪ WELL, TELL ME WHY YOU DO IT ♪

♪ I REALLY WANNA KNOW

- ♪ OH, NO, NO, IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT ♪

♪ FOR ME TO TELL YOU TONIGHT

- ♪ YOU BETTER TELL ME RIGHT AWAY ♪

♪ OR I'LL PACK UP AND GO

- ♪ DON'T GET MAD, IT AIN'T NO BIG THING ♪

- ♪ YOU BETTER TELL ME RIGHT AWAY ♪

♪ DON'T YOU TREAT ME COLD

- ♪ HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT ♪

WELL...

THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS WHY I'D--

I'D DRAG A GIRL SUCH AS YOURSELF BACK TO THIS...

PLASTIC HOTEL ROOM AND...

RIP YOU OFF FOR SPARE CHANGE TO RUN A--

TO RUN A VIBRATING MACHINE ATTACHED TO THIS

QUEEN-SIZE, BULK-PURCHASE, KAPOK-INFESTED,

DO-NOT-REMOVE-TAG-UNDER-PENALTY- OF-LAW TYPE BED AND...

AND MAKE YOU TAKE OFF ALL YOUR LITTLE CLOTHES...

UNTIL YOU WERE NEARLY STARK, RAVING NUDE!

SAVE FOR YOUR CHROME WITH HEAVY-DUTY LEATHER THONG

PEACE MEDALLION.

AND MAKE YOU ASSUME A SERIES

OF MARGINALLY EROTIC POSES INVOLVING...

A PLASTIC CHAIR AND...

AN OLD GUITAR STRAP, WHILE I...

DID A WEE-WEE IN YOUR HAIR AND...

BEAT YOU WITH A PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES...

I GOT FROM JEFF BECK.

- [muttering]

OKAY, WHERE'S MY MANUSCRIPT HERE?

WHERE'S THE PAPER?

PART TWO OF THE HIGHWAY CALLED--

I GOT IT NOW.

GOTTA WRITE THIS DOWN.

I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED...

[sniffing]

AGH.

FOR MY NEW SYMPHONY.

IT'S ALL HERE. [indistinct]

- [echoey] SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU JOIN A ROCK GROUP, GEORGE.

- FANTASTIC. - GET OFF THAT JAZZ...

- YES, I'VE GOT THEM NOW.

- THERE'S NO LUST IN JAZZ. - [mumbling]

AH, RIGHT. YES.

AH, GET ON, SOUL BROTHERS. AH! GET IT ON.

AH, THOSE BOYS, THOSE BOYS.

THEY'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

[indistinct chatter]

- HEY, LOOK WHAT'S COMIN' THROUGH THE DOOR!

all: HEY!

[indistinct chatter]

[angry, overlapping shouting]

- MUHAMMITZ.

IT'S REALLY GREAT NOW.

AH! DOWN HERE... [indistinct]

MORE PAPER, MORE PAPER...

I NEED TO WRITE ON THIS NOW.

PAGE TWO. WHAT'S THAT GOING TO BE?

RIGHT! AH, AH. DROPPED MY HAT.

BUT I DON'T CARE.

[indistinct shouting]

YES...YES!

OH, GET IT ON. YEAH, THEY'RE GETTING NASTY.

[crowd shouting]

OHH! ANOTHER PAGE.

OH, DON'T LEAVE ME. DON'T LEAVE ME.

OH, I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR SUPER SUBSTANCES.

OH, LET ME WRITE THAT DOWN-- SUPER SUBSTANCES.

YES! AHA...

[hysterical laughter]

SHOW ME YOUR LITTLE VEST!

'SCUSE ME. - [laughing hysterically]

- OH, I WANT YOU NOW!

OH, GOD.

- [whooping]

- COME HERE, LITTLE DARLING.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

[zany whistle sound effect]

[bells clanging]

all: [echoey] THUS... - EEK!

all: THE LAD SEARCHES THE NIGHT FOR HIS MUSE.

BLORP!

[discordant sound effects]

- THE GIRL WANTS TO FIX HIM SOME BROTH.

- ♪ TINSEL COCK

all: ♪ DOO-WEE-DO

♪ TINSEL COCK, MY BABY

- WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BROTH?

- SOME NICE SOUP. - SOME HOT BROTH?

- SMALL DOGS IN IT.

- [vocalizing] DO YOU?

- YOU LIKE BROTH? DOG BROTH?

- HOT BROTH? [chorus chanting]

YOU LIKE... - ♪ HOT

- DOG BROTH HOT? - ♪ DOG BROTH

- HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

DEBRIS OF THE FOUR STYLES OFFERED?

DEBRIS, BROTH, BREATH,

AND THE EVER-POPULAR

HYGIENIC...

EUROPEAN VERSION,

TINSEL COCK!

[ominous music]

all: ♪ TINSEL COCK

♪

- [vocalizing]

- WHICH...

DO YOU CHOOSE?

[flapping]

- [squeaking]

[no audio]

- [squeaking]

[weird blooping and wailing]

[ominous music]

- THE GIRL...

[chorus singing]

IN A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS...

EXPLAINS.

- [squeaking]

- ♪ BROTH REMINDS ME OF NUNS

♪ I SEE THEM SMASHING KIDS WITH RULERS ♪

[thud, slurp]

- ♪ DISCIPLINING MUNCHKIN CRETINS ♪

♪ TORTURED MUNCHKINS

♪ TORTURED MUNCHKINS

♪ IRISH CATHOLIC VICTIMS

♪ LITTLE GREEN SCRATCHY SWEATERS ♪

all: ♪ SWEATERS

- ♪ LITTLE GREEN SCRATCHY ONES ♪

♪ BROWN CORDUROY PANTS

[chorus vocalizing]

♪ CORDUROY PANTS

all: ♪ AND GREEN SCRATCHY MUNCHKIN ♪

♪ IRISH CATHOLIC VICTIMS

all: ♪ MUNCH-KINS, MUNCH-A-KINS ♪

- ♪ MUNCHKINS GET ME HOT

♪ MUNCHKINS GET ME

♪ GET ME HOT

- MUNCH!

GETS HER REAL HOT!

- ♪ WHY DON'T YOU STRAP ON ♪

♪ THIS HERE BUNCH

♪ OF CARDBOARD BOXES, DADDY-O? ♪

♪ JOY OF MY DESIRING

♪ YOU'LL CERTAINLY LOOK SUAVE AND GET ME HOT ♪

♪ HOT, HOT, GET ME HOT

♪ AND HORNY

- OHH!

- ♪ IF THERE'S ONE THING I REALLY GET OFF ON ♪

♪ IT'S A NUN SUIT PAINTED ON SOME OLD BOXES ♪

[crash]

all: ♪ SOME OLD MELODIES

[crash]

♪ FOUR, FOUR AN AURA

[crash] all: ♪ AN AREOLA

♪ PINK GUMS

♪ STUMPY, GRAY TEETH

♪ DENTAL FLOSS

♪ GETS ME HOT

♪ WANNA WATCH A DENTAL HYGIENE MOVIE? ♪

[projector running]

- ♪ HAN-NIN-NOO-NOON TAN-TOON-RAN ♪

- NO, JEFF.

- ♪ RANTOON, RANTOON, RANTOON, FRAMMIN, HANTOON ♪

♪ RANTOON, HANTOON, FRAMMIN - NO, NO, NO!

- MAN! THIS STUFF IS GREAT!

IT'S JUST AS IF DONOVAN HIMSELF

HAD APPEARED ON MY VERY OWN TV WITH WORDS OF PEACE, LOVE,

AND ETERNAL COSMIC WISDOM!

[atonal music]

LEADING ME, GUIDING ME

ON PATHS OF EVERLASTING PSEUDO-KARMIC NEGLIGENCE,

IN THE VERY MIDST OF MY DRUG-INDUCED NOCTURNAL EMISSION.

- FOR I AM YOUR GOOD CONSCIENCE, JEFF.

I KNOW ALL. I SEE ALL.

I AM A COSMIC LOVE PULSE MATRIX,

BECOMING A TECHNICOLOR INTERPOSITIVE!

- HUH?

- WHERE'D YOU BUY THAT INCENSE?

IT'S HIP.

IT'S THE SAME AND MYSTERIOUS

EXOTIC ORIENTAL FRAGRANCE

AS WHAT THE BEATLES GET OFF ON.

- I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED IT.

[sniffing]

MMM, WHAT IS THAT, MUSK?

[sniffing]

MMM. HMM.

- JEFF, I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

- RIGHT.

YOU'RE HEAVY.

- YES, JEFF, I AM YOUR GUIDING LIGHT.

LISTEN TO ME. DON'T RIP OFF THE TOWELS, JEFF!

- PISS OFF, YOU LITTLE NITWIT!

- HEY, MAN, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, JEFF. HE'S NO GOOD.

HE'LL MAKE YOU DO BAD THINGS!

[discordant music]

[air honks out]

[pop]

- YOU MEAN, HE'LL MAKE ME SIN?

- [clacking]

- [clacking]

- [buzzes]

- YES, JEFF.

- [laughing]

- SIN.

- WOW!

[weird sound effects]

- JEFF, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU...

ABOUT YOUR SOUL.

- NO, DON'T LISTEN, JEFF.

- WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT,

PLAYING THIS COMEDY MUSIC?

- YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M TOO HEAVY TO BE IN THIS GROUP.

- COMEDY MUSIC.

- JEFF, YOUR SOUL!

[popping and squeaking]

[opera singer vocalizing]

- IN THIS GROUP, ALL I EVER GET TO DO

IS PLAY ZAPPA'S COMEDY MUSIC. HE EATS!

- JEFF... - I GET SO TENSE!

- OF COURSE YOU DO, MY BOY.

- [robotically] THE STUFF...HE MAKES ME...DO

IS ALWAYS...OFF THE WALL.

- THAT'S WHY...IT WOULD BE BEST TO LEAVE...HIS STERN EMPLOY.

- AND QUIT THE GROUP!

- YOU'LL MAKE IT BIG!

- THAT'S RIGHT! - OF COURSE!

- AND THEN I WON'T BE SMALL!

both: HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

all: HA HA HA HA!

- [coughing]

AHMET ERTEGUN USED THIS TOWEL AS A BATHMAT

SIX WEEKS AGO AT A RANCID MOTEL IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA,

WITH THE HIGHEST MILDEW RATING

OF ANY COMMERCIAL LODGING FACILITY

WITHIN THE TERRITORIAL LIMITS OF THE UNITED STATES,

NATURALLY EXCLUDING TROPICAL POSSESSIONS.

[gagging and coughing]

IT'S STILL DAMP. WHAT AN AROMA!

THIS IS THE BEST I EVER GOT OFF.

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?

TRY IT ON STEAKS. CLEANS NYLONS.

SMALL CRAFT WARNING. IT'S GREAT FOR THE HOME,

THE OFFICE, ON FRUITS!

- THIS IS THE REAL YOU, JEFF.

RIP OFF A FEW MORE ASHTRAYS.

GET RID OF SOME OF THAT INNER TENSION.

QUIT THE COMEDY GROUP!

GET YOUR OWN GROUP TOGETHER.

HEAVY! LIKE GRAND FUNK!

[dramatic music]

OR BLACK SABBATH.

- NO, JEFF.

- OR COVEN!

PEACE...

LOVE...

BOLLOCKS.

BLAHH!

both: WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?!

- WELL, PUT IT ON YOUR STEAKS. - SOAK YOUR SHIRTS IN IT.

[overlapping voices] - SELL IT TO YOUR MOTHER.

TELL HER IT'S A RIT TIE-DYE.

[overlapping voices] - STARCH YOUR SHIRT WITH IT.

[overlapping chatter]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN INHALE IT.

- AND IT MAKES YOUR VOICE SQUEAKY.

[crash] - THEN WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU PUT IT ON YOUR HAIR...

- TIE YOUR BIKE WITH IT. [overlapping chatter]

all: WHAT? - WAAAAH!

all: WHAT CAN I...

- WAAAAAH!

all: WHAT?

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS?

- WAAAAAAAH!

- ♪ DWEE-DOO DEE-OOO-POO

♪ PAN

- DOES THIS KIND OF LIFE LOOK INTERESTING TO YOU?

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, DINNERS WITH HERB COHEN.

THRILL-PACKED, FUN-FILLED EVENINGS ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA

AT THE MIDEM CONVENTION.

A FAKE TIE, THE WHOLE BIT.

WATCH MUTT EAT, AND LEON FEED THE GEESE.

1,000 GREEN BUSINESS CARDS

WITH YOUR NAME AND THE WRONG ADDRESS.

PLUS SIX ROYALTY STATEMENTS, INSPECTED AND CUSTOMIZED

BY RAN TOON TAN, HAN TOON, FRAMMIN, AND DEE,

FOLLOWED BY 12 POTENTIAL SUICIDES

AS THE MEMBERS OF YOUR GROUP, PAST AND PRESENT,

FIND OUT THEY CAN'T COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT.

A DOG, A CAR, AN EPIDEMIC OF BODY LICE,

WITH YOUR OWN RECORD COMPANY, YOUR NAME ON THE DOOR,

ELECTRIC BUZZER TO THE INNER OFFICE AND ONA'S TITS,

AND A THREE-MONTH SUPPLY OF GERMAN BOOKINGS

WITH TICKETS ON AIR RANGOON.

DOES THIS KIND OF LIFE LOOK INTERESTING TO YOU

AS A FAKE ROCK AND ROLL GUITAR PLAYER IN A COMEDY GROUP?

- ♪ HUNNA HUNNA HUNNA

♪ 200 MOTELS

[discordant music]

♪

♪ 200 MOTELS

♪

♪ RAN TOON HAN TOON

♪ HAN-TOON-HAN

♪ 200 MOTELS

♪

- I'M STEALING THE ROOM!

I'M STEALING THE ROOM!

[crash and clatter]

[crash and clatter]

AAAAH! OOOOW!

- I'M GOING TO DIE.

I KNOW I'M GOING TO DIE.

I CAN TELL BECAUSE MY PULSE IS SO WEAK.

THE PILLS... I TOOK SO MANY DOWNERS

THAT I KNOW THIS IS THE END FOR ME.

- YOU POOR THING.

YOU WANT I SHOULD FIX YOUR HAIR FOR YOU

SO YOU LOOK GOOD WHEN THEY FIND YOU?

- OH, WOULD YOU? - SURE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

A PONYTAIL? A FLAT-TOP WITH FENDERS?

I'M GONNA DIE, JANET.

I'M GONNA O.D.! SO MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.

- LISTEN, THE BEST I CAN DO FOR YOU IS FIX YOUR HAIR,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GET UP

AND WASH THAT MELTED EYE MAKEUP OFF YOUR FACE?

- IS IT SMEARED?

I'VE BEEN CRYING SO MUCH...

IT'S SO DAMN SAD

WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'LL NEVER SEE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ANYMORE.

[sobbing] - OH...

EVERY WEEK, IT'S THE SAME OLD THING.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE. YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

SOMEBODY WENT OUT ON YOU.

SOMEBODY DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN A GROUPIE?

YOU SHOULD GET USED TO ROMANCES WHICH ARE SO OBVIOUSLY CHEAP.

LISTEN, JUST IN CASE YOU CRASH OUT,

AND THE IMAGINARY ROCK AND ROLL NEWSPAPER FROM SAN FRANCISCO

WANTS TO GET ANY PICTURES OF YOU,

YOU'LL LOOK LIKE YOU WASHED YOUR FACE.

REALLY, IT'S BETTER THIS WAY WITH A CLEAN FACE.

PEOPLE THINK GROUPIES ARE SUCH DIRTY GIRLS.

- [scoffs]

WOULDN'T MIND SORT OF FUCKING ALL THREE OF THEM.

[chuckles]

- LOOK, OVER THERE! - WHAT?

- HE'S DOING IT, HE'S WATCHING US

FROM THE FAKE BANDSTAND WITH THE BINOCULARS!

- WHO, THE ENGLISHNESS?

- THE RIVET BOY.

- THE RIVET BOY? WHERE?

- OVER THERE. WIPE THAT STUFF OUT OF YOUR EYES.

IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEATING OFF.

- BEATING OFF? I KNEW HE WAS A PERVERT.

- OOH, HOW EXCITING.

HEY, ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO O.D.?

- YES, THIS DEFINITELY IS THE END FOR ME.

I FEEL SO FAINT AND SO WEAK.

[whimpering] - OH!

[comical bouncing sound]

- [sobbing]

- GOOD EVENING, HONEY.

THAT WAS THE MOST IMAGINARY COLLAPSE

I'VE SEEN SINCE LAST WEEK.

- JANET, DO YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO DIE?

- ARE YOU KIDDING? DID YOU SEE HER HIT THE FLOOR?

- GOD, WELL, IT WAS SO OBVIOUSLY CHEAP.

LIFT THE HEAD, HONEY. - I'M GONNA TO DIE.

THIS TIME IT'S REAL.

OH, IT'S SO, UM...

- LISTEN, LUCY, WE GOTTA GET READY FOR OUR BIG DANCE NUMBER.

WE'RE GOING TO THE FAKE NIGHTCLUB TONIGHT.

- OH, EVERYTHING'S GETTING DIM.

- WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER A STORY

WHILE YOU PUT YOUR MAKEUP ON?

GOOD EVENING.

- OHH.

[toilet flushes] LISTEN, TOOTS.

I'M GOING TO MAKE UP A NICE LITTLE FAIRY TALE FOR YOU.

- THE PILLS, THE MANDRAX-- I TOOK SO MANY OF THEM.

- I'LL TELL YOU PART OF THE STORY,

AND THEN YOU MAKE UP ANOTHER PART THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT.

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A TALL...

HANDSOME, MUSCULAR...

- DWARF.

- WITH A VERY SPECIAL...

- SWEDISH APPARATUS.

- THAT HIM AND HIS FRIENDS WOULD USE IN CONJUNCTION WITH...

- BOLD NEW SURGICAL EXPERIMENTS.

[spring sound effect]

- INVOLVING...

- A BLUDGEON AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE...

- AND A...

- MICROWAVE OVEN...

- FROM A...

- JUMBO JET, ONE OF THE BIG JOBS

LEASED FROM AIR RANGOON!

- WHICH, WHEN USED CORRECTLY...

- CAN EFFECTIVELY INCREASE THE DIMENSIONS...

- AND FIREPOWER OF YOUR...

- DICK...

- TO THE POINT WHERE...

- IN SOME INSTANCES,

IT SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A LETHAL WEAPON.

[drum roll]

- ♪ YOUR DICK

all: YOUR DICK?

♪

♪ YOUR

♪ DORK

both: YOUR DORK?

all: ♪ YOUR PRICK

both: YOUR PRICK?

[clang]

all: ♪ YOUR PORK

- YOUR PORK?

[orchestra crescendos]

- YOUR PORK?

- WHO CALLS IT A PORK?

THESE MEN, AND THE STUFF THEY CALL A WEE-WEE.

[orchestra crescendos]

both: A WEE-WEE?

[wild drum lick]

- YOU MEAN A PENIS, DON'T YOU?

[wild drum lick]

- A PENIS?

PENIS IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD.

[wild drum lick]

- IT'S NOT THAT UGLY, REALLY.

- SURE, I-I USE IT ALL THE TIME.

[wild drum lick]

- SURE, SURE, WE ALL SAY IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

LISTEN...

both: PENIS!

[drums crash]

all: EWW!

[piano tinkling]

[drum roll]

all: PENIS!

[orchestra plays]

PENIS!

- EW, IT SOUNDS SO REVOLTING THE WAY YOU GUYS SAY IT.

EW, CACA.

- CACA! - CA!

[orchestra crescendos]

- THE PENIS CAN BE A VERY USEFUL ORGAN.

- YEAH, AND VERY EXCITING, TOO,

ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME.

[all agree]

[orchestra crescendos]

all: PENIS!

- IT SOUNDS SO OVERWHELMINGLY MEDICINAL.

- A PENIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A DOCTOR

WOULD HAVE HANGING OFF OF HIM.

- NONE OF THE MEN I KNOW AND LOVE

IN THE ROCK AND ROLL BUSINESS GOT PENISES.

THEY ALL GOT COCKS OR DICKS, AT LEAST.

- SURE, YOU WANT TO GO STRAP ON A POP STAR,

AND HE WANTS TO STICK A PENIS UP YOU.

WHERE IS THAT AT?

- LET'S ASK OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE!

[applause]

[chorus vocalizing]

♪

WILL YOU TRADE WHAT HE HAS IN HIS PANTS

FOR WHAT I HAVE BEHIND THIS CURTAIN?

[chorus vocalizing] - WHAT IS IT?

- YOU MEAN WHAT'S IN HIS PANTS?

- I KNOW WHAT'S IN HIS PANTS. HE'S A LONELY GUY.

[orchestra shouting]

- YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BEFORE THE BIG WHEEL STOPS WHIRLING.

YOU! HEY, BUDDY! SKY MARSHAL!

GO WHIRL THE BIG WHEEL!

- CAN I JUST TAKE THE MONEY?

- THERE ISN'T ANY MONEY, JUST THE CURTAIN AND...

- THE LONELY GUY.

[overlapping shouts]

- TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

THINK IT OVER CAREFULLY.

- THE CURTAIN!

- I WANT THE MONEY.

- WAIT!

[drums crash]

WHAT COULD IT BE IN THERE?

- IN HIS PANTS?

- IN THE CURTAIN.

- DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE WHAT'S IN MY PANTS?

all: ♪ PENIS DIMENSION

[rhythmic clapping]

♪ PENIS DIMENSION

[orchestra plays]

♪ PENIS DIMENSION

♪ IS WORRYING ME

[boom]

♪ I CAN'T HARDLY

♪ SLEEP AT NIGHT

♪ 'CAUSE OF

♪ PENIS DIMENSION

[clanking]

[orchestra playing slowly]

♪

♪ DO YOU WORRY?

♪ DO YOU WORRY A LOT?

NO!

- NO, I DON'T.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ DO YOU WORRY?

♪ DO YOU WORRY AND MOAN

♪ OHH OHH OHH OHH

♪ THAT THE SIZE OF YOUR COCK

♪ IS NOT MONSTROUS ENOUGH?

all: NO!

♪ IT'S YOUR PENIS DIMENSION

[orchestra crescendos]

♪

♪ PENIS DIMENSION

- ♪ WAH OOO-WAH OOO-WAH OOO-WAH ♪

♪ WAH OOO-WAH OOO-WAH OOO-WAH ♪

[whistling]

♪

- HIYA, FRIENDS.

NOW, JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT.

DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOUR PENIS,

AND IN THE CASE OF MANY DIGNIFIED LADIES,

THAT THE SIZE OF THE TITTIES THEMSELVES

MIGHT PROVIDE ELEMENTS OF SUBCONSCIOUS TENSION?

- ♪ OOH

- WEIRD, TWISTED ANXIETIES

THAT COULD FORCE A HUMAN BEING

TO HAVE TO BECOME A POLITICIAN!

A POLICEMAN!

A JESUIT MONK!

- [indistinct]

- A ROCK AND ROLL GUITAR PLAYER!

A WINO!

YOU NAME IT.

OR, IN THE CASE OF THE LADIES,

THE ONES THAT CAN'T AFFORD A SILICONE BEEF-UP,

THEY BECOME WRITERS OF HOT BOOKS:

"MANUEL, THE GARDENER,

PLACED HIS BURNING PHALLUS IN HER QUIVERING QUIM."

- [laughing] YES, OR THEY BECOME CARMELITE NUNS!

- "GONZO, THE LEAD GUITAR PLAYER,

PLACED HIS MUTATED MEMBER IN HER SLITHERING SLIT."

HA HA HA!

- OOH, OR RACE HORSE JOCKEYS.

THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES

SHOULD SUFFER.

THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR ORGAN

ADDING EVEN MORE MISERY TO THE TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!

- RIGHT ON! RIGHT ON!

- NOW, IF YOU'RE A LADY AND YOU'VE GOT MUNCHKIN TITS,

YOU CAN CONSOLE YOURSELF WITH THIS AGE-OLD LINE

FROM PRIMARY SCHOOL:

both: ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED!

- YES! AND ISN'T IT THE TRUTH?

AND IF YOU'RE A GUY,

AND ONE NIGHT YOU'RE AT A PARTY,

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO BE COOL, I MEAN...

YOU AREN'T EVEN WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR, YOU'RE BEING SO COOL,

AND SOMEBODY HITS ON YOU ONE NIGHT,

AND HE LOOKS YOU UP AND DOWN AND HE SAYS, UH...

- "EIGHT INCHES OR LESS?"

- WELL LET ME TELL YOU, BROTHERS,

THAT'S THE TIME WHEN YOU'VE GOT TO TURN AROUND

AND LOOK THAT SON OF A BITCH RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES,

AND YOU GOT TO TELL HIM THESE WORDS...

- I STUFF THREE PAIR OF SOCKS AND A BAR OF BEAUTY SOAP

DOWN IN FRONT OF MY PANTS.

[rock music]

♪

- ♪ SHE PAINTED UP

♪ HER FACE

♪ SHE SAT BEFORE

♪ THE MIRROR

♪

♪ SHE PAINTED UP

♪ HER FACE

♪ SHE DREW THE MIRROR

♪ NEARER

♪

- ♪ PRACTICING, PRACTICE, PRACTICING ♪

♪ THE STARE

- ♪ WHOA, STARE

♪ THE SECRET STARE SHE WOULD USE ♪

♪ IF A WORTHY-LOOKING VICTIM SHOULD APPEAR ♪

♪ PE-E-EAR

♪ HEY

♪ EH EH

♪ PRACTICING, PRACTICE, PRACTICING ♪

- ♪ OHH

♪ OH OH OH OH

♪ PRACTICING, PRACTICE, PRACTICING ♪

[slow orchestra]

♪

[rock music]

♪

- ♪ THE CLOCK UPON

♪ THE WALL

♪ HAS STRUCK

♪ THE MIDNIGHT HOUR

♪

♪ SHE FINISHES

♪ HER CALL

♪ HER GIRLFRIEND'S

♪ IN THE SHOWER

♪

♪ PRACTICING, PRACTICE, PRACTICING ♪

♪ HALF A DOZEN PROVOCATIVE SQUATS ♪

♪ OUT OF THE SHOWER, SHE SQUEEZES HER SPOTS ♪

♪ BRUSHES HER TEETH

♪ SHOOTS A DEODORANT SPRAY

♪ UP HER TWAT

♪ IT'S GETTING HER

♪ GETTING HER

♪ HOT

♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH

♪ SHE'S JUST 24

♪ AND SHE CAN'T GET OFF

♪ A SAD BUT TYPICAL CASE

♪ YEAH

♪ THE LAST DUDE TO DO HER

♪ GOT IN AND GOT SOFT

♪ SHE BLEW IT

♪ AND LAUGHED IN HIS FACE

♪ YEAH

♪ FACE, YEAH

♪ YEAH

[atonal orchestral music]

♪

[rock music]

- ♪ SHE CHOOSES ALL

♪ THE CLOTHES

♪ SHE'LL WEAR TONIGHT

♪ TO DANCE IN

♪

♪ THE PLACES THAT

♪ SHE GOES

♪ ARE FILLED WITH GUYS FROM GROUPS ♪

- ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

- ♪ WAITING FOR A CHANCE

♪ TO BREAK HER PANTS IN

♪

♪ PROVOCATIVE SQUATS

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ PROVOCATIVE SQUATS

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

♪ PROVOCATIVE SQUATS

♪ DA LA LA LA LA

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S

♪ SORT OF A CHOICE THERE

♪ 20 OR 30 AT TIMES THERE HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ SOMEWHAT DESIRABLE BOYS THERE ♪

♪ DRESSED REALLY SPIFFY

♪ WITH LONG HAIR

♪ WAITING FOR GIRLS

♪ THEY CAN SHOVE IT RIGHT IN

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

♪ WELL, AT LEAST

♪ THERE'S SORT OF A CHOICE THERE ♪

♪ 20 OR 30 AT TIMES

♪ THERE HAVE BEEN

♪ SOMEWHAT DESIRABLE BOYS THERE ♪

♪ DRESSED REALLY SPIFFY

♪ WITH LONG HAIR

♪ WAITING FOR GIRLS

♪ THEY CAN SHOVE IT

♪ RIGHT IN

- HELLO THERE.

ALL THE GUYS IN THE BAND ARE PRETENDING TO GET READY

SO THEY CAN GO OUT AND FIND SOME PUSSY.

- OH, I WONDER WHERE THE ACTION IS IN THIS TOWN?

- EVERY MUSICIAN LIKES TO FIND SOME PUSSY.

- BOY, I COULD HAVE REALLY SCORED LAST NIGHT.

BUT EVERY NIGHT, IT'S THE SAME THING:

AYNSLEY GETS THERE FIRST.

HE'S SO FAST, IT...

MUST BE FROM PLAYING THE DRUMS OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN...

IF THOSE GIRLS OVER THERE

ONLY KNEW MY SECRET IDENTITY, BUT...

BUT HOW COULD THEY?

HO-HOW COULD THEY KNOW THAT...

I AM BWANA DIK?

- WHERE'S MY HAIR DRYER?

GOT TO LOOK LOVELY FOR THE GIRLS.

[hair dryer whirring]

AFTER ALL...

I AM BWANA DIK.

- EACH GUY HAS HIS OWN SPECIALTY

FOR GETTING THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS.

- I SPRAYED MY PITS.

I PUT ON A NEW TIE-DYE T-SHIRT.

I BRUSHED MY TEETH.

- I CLEANED MY GLASSES.

- I BUFFED MY NAILS.

- I BOUGHT A COPY OF DOWN BEAT

SO I COULD CARRY IT AROUND

AND LOOK LIKE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

- I LEFT MY SHIRT UNBUTTONED AT THE TOP.

- I JUST KNOW I'M GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT.

I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES. [jingling]

I GOT THIS LITTLE JAR OF TINSEL GLITTER HERE.

THE SAME BRAND DANNY HUTTON PUTS ON HIS FACE

THAT MAKES HIM LOOK ALL...

GLISTENING AND SEDUCTIVE.

[jingling]

JUST PUT A LITTLE ON HERE.

THE CHEEKS...

THE CHIN...

MMM, THE QUIVERING LIPS...

I'M SO COMMERCIAL, I COULD DIE!

SOMEBODY...

TURN ON A BLUE SPOTLIGHT!

[bird chirping, guitar strumming]

- ♪ WHAT

♪ WILL THIS

♪ MORNING

♪ BRING ME

♪ THIS EVENING?

♪ SOME LOCAL

♪ HOT ACTION

- ♪ I'M A YOUNG LONELY GUY

- ♪ BEFORE WE ARE LEAVING

- ♪ MAYBE WE CAN GET SOME HEAD ♪

- ♪ GO TO THE CLUB OR THE BAR ♪

♪ OR WHEREVER THE PUSSY IS FOUND ♪

♪ IN THE TOWN YOUR BAND IS BOOKED TO PLAY IN ♪

♪

♪ IT'S ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT HARDER TO SCORE ♪

♪ IF IT'S JUST YOUR FIRST TIME IN A TOWN ♪

♪ YOU NEVER HIT BEFORE

♪

[cheers and applause]

[laughter and shouts]

- ♪ STAYED IN IT ONCE

♪ AND GOT LAID

♪ YOU'VE GOT IT MADE

♪ AHH, GOT IT MADE

♪ OHH

♪ JUST YOUR FIRST TIME

♪ THEN YOU KNOW IT'S NO FUN TO GO ♪

♪ BACK TO A PLASTIC HOTEL

♪ ALL ALONE

♪ GO TO THE CLUB OR THE BAR

♪ GO TO THE CLUB OR THE BAR ♪

♪ GO TO THE CLUB OR THE BAR

♪ OR WHEREVER THE PUSSY IS FOUND ♪

[bassoon blowing]

[trumpet blows Call To Post]

- HAH! - HYUH!

- AGH! - HYUH!

announcer: ONE MINUTE TO POST TIME.

APPROACHING THE GATE.

THERE'S THE CALL...

- HAH! - NONE MAY RESIST ME.

announcer: THEY'RE MOVING INTO THE GATE.

- THREE CHEESEBURGERS.

- [barking]

- WOW. BOY, DO I NEED IT!

[bell dings, crowd cheers]

[indistinct track announcer]

all: OPEN UP!

OPEN! OPEN UP!

HEY, OPEN UP! - OPEN THE DOOR!

[all shouting]

- WOMEN! BOOZE!

OPEN UP! I'M NOT STALLING!

[overlapping shouts]

- COME ON, YOU GUYS, GET OUT OF MY WAY!

[overlapping shouts]

- ♪ SHE'S SUCH A DIGNIFIED LADY ♪

♪ SHE'S SO PRETTY AND SOFT

♪ YOU CAN'T CALL HER A GROUPIE

♪ IT JUST PISSES HER OFF

♪ SHE'S GOT DIAMONDS AND JEWELRY ♪

♪ SHE GOT LOTS OF NEW CLOTHES

♪ SHE AIN'T HURTIN' FOR MONEY ♪

♪ SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS

♪ THAT SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS ♪

♪ SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE LIKES

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, WANNA DO IT? ♪

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, WANNA DO IT? ♪

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, WANNA DO IT? ♪

♪ LOOK OUT, SHE'S GOT HER EYES ON YOU ♪

♪ SHE LEFT HER PLACE AFTER MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA

♪ AND SHE DROVE TO THE CLUB

♪ LA LA LA LA-EE-AH

♪ YOU KNOW THAT HER AND HER PARTNER ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA

♪ CAME HERE LOOKIN' FOR LOVE

♪ LA LA LA LA-EE-AH

♪ THEY WANT A GUY FROM A GROUP ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA

♪ GOT A THING IN THE CHARTS

♪ LA LA LA LA-EE-AH

♪ IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER

♪ IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER ♪

♪ IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER

♪ THEY WILL GIVE HIM THEIR HEARTS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT ♪

♪ WANNA DO IT, DO IT, THEY WANNA, WANNA DO IT ♪

♪ THEY KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE

♪ WANNA DO IT, DO IT, THEY WANNA, WANNA DO IT ♪

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, WANNA DO IT ♪

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, WANNA DO IT ♪

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, WANNA DO IT ♪

♪ LOOK OUT, THEY GOT THEIR EYES ON YOU ♪

♪ BAM, BAM, YA TA DA DA

♪ THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT

♪ WHOO

♪ KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY

♪ WHOO

♪ DADDY, DADDY, DADDY

♪ ALL RIGHT

♪ YOU GOT 'EM SCREAMIN' ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA

♪ SCREAMIN' ALL NIGHT

[indistinct chatter]

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA DO IT, DO IT ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR ♪

♪ DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OHH

♪ OOH OOH OOH

♪ DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

♪ DO IT, DO IT, YOU WANNA, WANNA, DO IT, DO IT? ♪

♪ OOH HOO

[bubbling]

- OH, WOW, WHAT A NIGHT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, DIDN'T YOU GET ANY ACTION TONIGHT?

- DIDN'T YOU USED TO BE WITH THE MOTHERS?

- YEAH.

- IS THIS WHAT YOU DO NOW?

- I'VE GOT MY OWN GROUP, TOO.

I DON'T MIND BEING IN THIS MOVIE.

I GET A CHANCE TO TRANSFORM A FEW TIMES,

DRINK THESE VILE, FOAMY LIQUIDS.

- UGH.

- [chuckles]

MMM... [bubbling]

[grunting]

- [scoffs] WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THAT?

- IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

REALLY, I LIKE TO BE A MONSTER EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE.

- NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY AFTER THIS.

- WHY, BECAUSE I TRANSFORM?

I LIKE TO BE A MONSTER!

THERE'S A LITTLE MONSTER IN EVERY ONE OF US.

- YOU'LL PROBABLY STAY HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

WITH YOUR FAKE POTIONS AND YOUR TWISTED MONSTER FACE.

- UHH!

- YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING IN ROCK AND ROLL.

- I TRIED TO GET A HIT SINGLE.

IT DROVE ME TO DRINK.

[bubbling]

- UGH...OHH...

- [cackling]

- GO ON, LAUGH ABOUT IT.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A STAR.

YOU COULD HAVE SPREAD YOUR AURA ACROSS

VAST CONTINENTAL AREAS,

YOUR NAME ON MILLIONS OF SMALL, HOT LIPS,

WHISPERING UNDER SECURE, PINK BLANKETS

IN THE LONELY MIDNIGHT DARK.

BUT WHADDYA DO?

YA JOIN THE MOTHERS,

AND YA END UP WORKING FOR ZAPPA,

AND HE MAKES YOU BE A CREEP.

YOU COULDA PLAYED THE BLUES WITH JOHN MAYALL

OR FAR-OUT EXCITING JAZZ WITH BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO?

- LOOK, NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY AFTER THIS.

HOW CAN THEY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY?

IN THIS BUSINESS YOU EITHER GOT TO PLAY THE BLUES

OR SING WITH A HIGH VOICE.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE JOINED THE MOTHERS.

WHY, I COULD BE A STAR NOW!

OH, WHEN I THINK OF ALL THOSE MILLIONS OF...

- HEY... - HOT, PINK, JUICY LITTLE...

- HEY. LISTEN.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN, UH,

GET ANY DOPE IN THIS IMAGINARY TOWN?

- MAN, THERE'S NO DOPE IN THIS TOWN.

JUST THESE VILE, FOAMY LIQUIDS.

- WELL, THEY'RE FAKE AREN'T THEY?

- NO, THEY'RE REAL!

I MIX THEM MYSELF AT HOME,

THEN I BRING THEM IN THE MORNING...

SECRET SPIRITUAL FORMULAS.

- EW, WHAT'S A SECRET SPIRITUAL FORMULA WHEN IT'S OUT?

- THE STUFF THAT GOES IN THE ELIXIR,

THE POTION, WHATEVER I MIX

IS IRRELEVANT TO THE RESULT.

- YOU MEAN THEY'RE FAKE POTIONS, RIGHT?

- LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT'S IN THE MIX.

IT'S THE LIQUID!

THE CONCEPT OF THE LIQUID

IS ENOUGH TO TRIGGER A SPECIAL COSMIC AWARE STATE.

[splurt]

IT'S BECAUSE I'M SO SPIRITUALLY EVOLVED...

- OH, LISTEN, I JUST WANNA GET OUT OF IT

AND GO BACK TO ME FAKE MOTEL ROOM

AND PLAY THE BLUES, YOU KNOW.

FUCK YOUR SPIRITUAL EVOLVEMENT.

ANYWAY, WHAT HAPPENS IF A NEW AND EXCITING

BLUES TALENT SUCH AS MESELF DRINKS YOUR STUFF?

- HERE, TAKE THIS BACK TO YOUR FAKE ROOM.

DRINK IT.

- I'D FEEL A LOT HAPPIER

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD SMOKE.

- WELL...HERE.

DIP THIS IN IT.

NOW, LET IT DRY OUT.

THAT OUGHT TO GET YOU A LITTLE HIGH.

OR SOMETHING.

- OOH, I CAN'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

- LOOK, YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE THIS TOO.

- [sniffs]

- I KNOW IT'S ONLY FAKE STUFF.

WELL, LISTEN...WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME.

HAVE A JAM.

HEY, PLAY SOME BLUES.

[phone ringing] EXTENSIONS.

WHAT ABOUT SOME EXTENDED BLUES LICKS?

[echoing] WHITE PEOPLE CAN PLAY THE BLUES, YOU KNOW.

[strange blooping and whirring]

- HELLO!

OH, FRANK.

YEAH, I GAVE IT TO HIM.

YEAH, HE WENT BACK TO THE SPECIAL ROOM.

[grunts]

NO, NO. HE'S GONNA SMOKE IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

HEY, LISTEN.

YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHEN WE'RE GONNA GET PAID FOR THIS?

[boom]

[rock music]

- ♪ WHAT WILL I SAY THE NEXT DAY ♪

♪ TO WHATEVER I DRAG TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT? ♪

♪ IF THINGS GO ALL RIGHT

♪ WHAT WILL I SAY

♪ THE NEXT DAY TO WHATEVER

♪ I DRAG TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT?

♪ WILL SHE BE OUT OF SIGHT?

♪ WHAT WILL THIS EVENING

♪ BRING ME THIS MORNING?

♪ WHAT WILL THIS EVENING

♪ BRING ME THIS MORNING?

♪ A SUCCULENT FAT ONE

♪ A MOD LITTLE FLAT ONE

♪ MAYBE A HOT ONE TO GIVE ME THE CLAP ♪

♪ MAYBE A FREAK WHO GETS OFF WITH A STRAP ♪

♪ WHAT WILL I SAY THE NEXT DAY TO WHATEVER ♪

♪ I DRAG TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT

♪ HOTEL TONIGHT

♪ WHAT WILL I SAY THE NEXT DAY TO WHATEVER ♪

♪ I DRAG TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT?

♪ WILL SHE BE OUT OF SIGHT?

♪ WHAT WILL I SAY THE NEXT DAY TO WHATEVER ♪

♪ I DRAG TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT?

♪ IF THINGS GO ALL RIGHT

♪ WHAT WILL I SAY THE NEXT DAY TO WHATEVER ♪

♪ I DRAG TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT?

♪ WILL SHE BE OUT OF SIGHT?

[glass clinks]

- [echoing] WELL, LISTEN.

WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME.

HAVE A JAM. HEY, PLAY SOME BLUES.

EXTENSIONS!

WHAT ABOUT SOME EXTENDED BLUES LICKS?

WHITE PEOPLE CAN PLAY THE BLUES, YOU KNOW.

EXTENSIONS!

- UHH, WHAT?

- EXTENSIONS!

- UHH, WHAT?

- EXTENSIONS!

- UHH, WHAT?

- EXTENSIONS! - UHH, WHAT?

- WHAT ABOUT SOME EXTENDED BLUES LICKS?

WHAT ABOUT SOME EXTENDED BLUES LICKS?

- YEAH, I GAVE IT TO HIM.

YEAH, HE WENT BACK TO THE SPECIAL ROOM.

NO, NO. HE'S GONNA SMOKE IT.

[eerie music]

♪

[insect buzzing]

[footsteps running]

- JEFF HAS GONE OUT THERE ON THAT STUFF!

- HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAVE USED THE ELIXIR

AND ONLY STUCK TO THE INCENSE. OH, ATLANTIS.

- THAT WAS BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, DRESSED UP LIKE DONOVAN,

FADING OUT ON THE WALL-MOUNTED TV SCREEN.

JEFF IS FLIPPING OUT. ROAD FATIGUE!

WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM BACK TO NORMAL BEFORE ZAPPA FINDS OUT

AND STEALS IT AND MAKES HIM DO IT IN THE MOVIE!

- YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT CAREER AHEAD OF YOU, MY BOY.

JUST GET OUT OF THIS GROUP!

- HOWARD, THAT WAS STUDEBAKER HOCH

DRESSED UP LIKE JIM PONS

GIVING CAREER GUIDANCE TO THE BASS PLAYER

OF A ROCK-ORIENTED COMEDY GROUP.

JEFF'S IMAGINATION HAS GONE BEYOND THE FRINGE

OF AUDIENCE COMPREHENSION.

JEFF, JEFF, IT'S ME, THE FLUORESCENT LEECH!

- JEFF, JEFF! IT'S ME, EDDIE! - I'M STEALING THE TOWELS!

[laughing hysterically]

[eerie music]

♪

[giggles]

[giggling]

- [American accent] THIS, AS YOU MAY HAVE GATHERED,

IS THE END OF THE MOVIE.

THE ENTIRE CAST IS ASSEMBLED HERE

AT THE CENTERVILLE RECREATIONAL FACILITY

TO BID FAREWELL TO YOU

AND TO EXPRESS THANKS FOR YOUR ATTENDANCE AT THIS THEATER.

[chuckles]

THIS MIGHT SEEM OLD-FASHIONED TO SOME OF YOU,

BUT I'D LIKE TO JOIN IN ON THIS SONG.

IT'S THE KIND OF A SENTIMENTAL SONG

THAT YOU GET AT THE END OF A MOVIE.

IT'S THE KIND OF A SONG THAT PEOPLE MIGHT SING

TO LET YOU IN THE AUDIENCE KNOW

THAT WE REALLY LIKE YOU, WE CARE ABOUT YOU, WE, UH...

UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO LAUGH THESE DAYS...

[German accent] WITH ALL THE TERRIBLE PROBLEMS

IN THE WORLD.

♪ LORD, HAVE MERCY

♪ ON THE PEOPLE IN ENGLAND

♪ FOR THE TERRIBLE FOOD

♪ THESE PEOPLE MUST EAT

♪ AHH

EXCUSE ME.

♪ AND MAY THE LORD HAVE MERCY

♪ ON THE FATE OF THIS MOVIE

♪ AND GOD BLESS THE MIND

♪ OF THE MAN IN THE STREET

[slow symphonic music]

[bubbling]

♪

all: ♪ HELP ALL THE REDNECKS

♪ AND THE FLATFOOT POLICEMEN

♪ ON THE TERRIBLE FUNCTIONS

♪ THEY ALL MUST PERFORM

♪ GOD HELP THE WINOS

♪ THE JUNKIES, AND THE WEIRDOES ♪

- [vocalizing]

all: ♪ AND EVERY POOR SOUL

♪ WHO'S ADRIFT IN THE STORM

♪

♪ HELP EVERYBODY

♪ SO THEY ALL GET SOME ACTION

♪ SOME LOVE ON THE WEEKEND

♪ SOME REAL SATISFACTION

♪

- ♪ A ROOM AND A MEAL

♪ AND A GARBAGE DISPOSAL

♪ A LAWN AND A HOSE'LL

♪ BE STRICTLY GENTEEL

[bubbling]

[cymbal crashes]

[all vocalizing]

♪

all: ♪ LORD, HAVE MERCY

♪ ON THE HIPPIES AND FAGGOTS

♪ AND THE DYKES AND THE WEIRD

♪ LITTLE CHILDREN THEY GROW

♪

♪ HELP THE BLACK MAN

♪

♪ HELP THE POOR MAN

♪ HELP THE MILKMAN

♪ HELP THE DOORMAN

♪ HELP THE LONELY

♪ NEGLECTED OLD FARTS

♪ THAT I KNOW

[all vocalizing]

- WELL, IT CERTAINLY HAS BEEN SWELL

HAVING YOU WITH US TONIGHT, FOLKS.

IF YOUR NAME WASN'T ON THE LIST OF BLESSINGS

WE'VE BEEN PASSING OUT TONIGHT,

WE DON'T WANT YOU TO BE PISSED OFF.

- NO...

- WE DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE THAT THEATER.

- FORGIVE HIM, FOR HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES.

STOP.

- BUT BEFORE WE GO ON, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU...

- ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE HE DOES KNOW.

- MY GOOD FRIEND AND MUSICAL ASSOCIATE,

MR. HOWARD KAYLAN,

WHO'S ABOUT TO GIVE US THE CLOSING FINAL BENEDICTION.

[cymbal crashes]

- ♪ THEY'RE GONNA CLEAR OUT THE STUDIO ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA TEAR DOWN ALL THE...♪

- YEAH.

- ♪ THEY'RE GONNA WHIP DOWN ALL THE...♪

[drum hit]

- ♪ THEY'RE GONNA SWEEP OUT ALL THE...♪

[drum lick]

- ♪ THEY'RE GONNA PAY OFF ALL THE...♪

- OH, YEAH!

both: ♪ AND THEN

[rock music] ♪ AND THEN

♪ AND THEN

♪ AND THEN, HEY, HEY, HEY

♪ EVERYBODY IN THE ORCHESTRA AND THE CHORUS ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT EVERY ONE OF OUR LOVELY AND TALENTED DANCERS ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT THE LIGHT BULB MEN ♪

♪ THE CAMERAMEN

♪ THE MAKE-UP MEN

♪ THE FAKE-UP MEN

♪ YEAH, THE RAKE-UP MEN

♪ ESPECIALLY HERBIE COHEN, YEAH ♪

- WHOO! - YEAH!

- ♪ THEY'RE ALL GONNA RISE UP

♪ THEY'RE GONNA JUMP UP

♪ I SAID JUMP UP

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT JUMP RIGHT UP ON OFF THE FLOOR ♪

[woman laughs]

♪ JUMP RIGHT UP AND HIT THE DOOR ♪

♪ THEY'RE ALL GONNA RISE UP AND COME HOME ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA RIDE ON HOME

♪ THEY'RE GONNA RIDE ON HOME ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA RIDE ON HOME

♪ THEY'RE GONNA RIDE ON HOME ♪

♪ AND ONCE AGAIN

♪ TAKE THEMSELVES

♪ SERIOUSLY

♪ EEEH

♪ YEAH, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SERIOUSLY ♪

♪ THEY'RE ALL GONNA GO HOME

- YEE!

- ♪ THROUGH THE DRIVING SLEET AND RAIN ♪

♪ THEY'RE ALL GONNA GO HOME

♪ THROUGH THE FOG, THROUGH THE DUST ♪

♪ THROUGH THE TROPICAL FEVER AND THE BLISTERING FROST ♪

♪ THEY'RE ALL GONNA GO HOME

♪ YEAH, YEAH

♪ OUT OF IT AS THEY CAN BE, BABY ♪

♪ AND THE SAME GOES FOR ME

- ♪ THE SAME GOES FOR ME

- ♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, YEAH

- AND EACH AND EVERY MEMBER

OF THIS ROCK-ORIENTED COMEDY GROUP,

IN HIS OWN SPECIAL WAY...

♪ IS GONNA GET OUT OF IT AS HE CAN BE ♪

both: ♪ WE ALL GONNA GET WASTED ♪

♪ WE ALL GONNA GET TWISTED

♪ WE ALL GONNA GET WASTED

♪ WE ALL GONNA GET TWISTED

- ♪ AND I AM DEFINITELY GONNA GET REAMED ♪

both: ♪ 'CAUSE I'M SUCH A LONELY ♪

♪ I'M SUCH A LONELY

♪ A LONELY, LONELY, TALKIN' 'BOUT A LONELY GUY ♪

OHH, AND I KNOW TONIGHT,

I AM DEFINITELY...

I AM POSITIVELY...

I JUST HAVE TO GET...

♪ BENT

♪ REAMED

♪ AND WASTED

- A DISASTER AREA THE SIZE OF ATLANTIC CITY,

NEW JERSEY!

[all vocalizing]

♪

- OHH, OHH...

OH, HE'S MAKING ME DO THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I WOULDN'T DO IT IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM.

YOU NOTICED, ALL THROUGH THIS MATERIAL,

I'VE BEEN GLANCING OVER TOWARD MY LEFT?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THE REASON FOR THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

HE IS OVER THERE.

HE IS OVER ON THE LEFT.

HE IS THE GUY THAT IS MAKING ME DO ALL THIS SHIT.

RIGHT OVER THERE. NOW, ALL THROUGH THIS MOVIE

EVERY TIME WE'VE BEEN ON STAGE,

I'VE HAD TO LOOK OVER IN THAT DIRECTION, RIGHT?

YOU SAW IT. YOU KNOW.

WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S OVER THERE.

I'VE GOT TO WATCH HIM FOR TIME.

HE JUMPS UP AND DOWN LIKE A JACKASS.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THE GUY SOMETIMES.

BUT WE GOTTA WATCH HIM.

"AFTER ALL," WE SAID, "IT IS FRANK'S MOVIE."

NOW, WE'RE THE MOTHERS, BUT IT'S STILL FRANK'S MOVIE.

[orchestra playing, crowd wailing]

HE GOT THE MONEY FOR THIS. HE RENTED THE STUDIO.

HAD ALL THESE CHEESY SETS BUILT.

IT'S SO MOCHE! I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT.

[crowd and orchestra drowning him out]

♪

- WHOO HOO HOO HOO!

[wild shouts from crowd]

[orchestra and shouts die]

[drum roll]

[dramatic symphonic music]

♪