Original subtitles

Whoo! We love you!

(woman) I love you!

(woman) Al, I want your baby. I love you.

(narrator) Weird Al, the man who set the music world on fire.

What's behind his incredible story?

Where did it all begin?

#

Lynwood, California,

25 miles to the south of Los Angeles.

Nothing much ever came from Lynwood,

known primarily for the manufacture

of aluminum foil and nasal decongestants.

For a boy growing up in Lynwood,

the future seemed no brighter

than the future of those before him.

In fact, there was little to suggest

that out of this provincial setting

would come a young man and a musical revolution

that would captivate and change the world.

Alfred Matthew Yankovic was born October 23, 1959.

He was born in the elevator

on the way up to the delivery room

at St. Vitus Hospital,

certainly a prophetic beginning

for a young man's rise to the top.

Al's parents, Nick and Mary,

were two simple, hardworking folks

just trying to make ends meet.

After a hard day sorting sprinkles

at the local Dairy Queen,

Mary would spend hours

folding and unfolding the laundry,

an activity no one could ever quite explain.

The Yankovic house was a modest but happy house

where a home-cooked meal

followed by a quiet family evening

were the staples of contented suburban life.

Outside of his son,

Nick Yankovic's passion was shooting home movies.

Baby Al,

friends and relatives,

and freeway traffic

were all subjects for Nick's keen eye.

These early home movies of young Al

depict his flair for the theatrical...

#

...and his uncanny feel for comedy.

Al's seventh birthday party

was to play a pivotal role in the formation of his future.

His parents could never have guessed

the significance of their birthday gift,

an accordion.

Young Al sensed the joy and wonder

that this newfound instrument would bring

to his impressionable life.

The hours of hard work and practice

with maestro Dino Zamore, his devoted teacher,

would pave the way for his long and illustrious career.

The years passed.

It was a time of Woodstock, political demonstrations,

flower children, man on the moon,

and "The Beverly Hillbillies."

For Al, life at home

in the sleepy suburban town of Lynwood

was a simple one.

Some called it simple. Others called it stupid.

The Yankovics would spend hours

watching their favorite TV shows.

For young Al,

television was more than a recreational activity.

It was a way of life,

and would later serve as an inspiration for his music.

#

Hey, Lucy, I'm home!

# Oh, Ricky, you're so fine #

# You're so fine, you blow my mind #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Oh, Lucy, you're so fine #

# You're so fine, you blow my mind #

# Hey, Lucy #

# Hey, Lucy #

# Oh, Ricky, you're so fine #

# You play your bongos all the time #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Hey, Ricky #

# Oh, Lucy, you're so fine #

# How I love to hear you whine #

Hey, Lucy!

#

Hey, Ricky!

# You always play your conga drums #

# You think you got the right #

# You wake up little Ricky in the middle of the night #

# Stop shaking your maracas now #

# And just turn out the light, Ricky #

#

# I'm sick of Fred and Ethel always coming over here #

# 'Cause Fred eats all the pretzel sticks #

# And then he spills his beer #

# Why don't you serve your casserole #

# And make them disappear, Lucy #

#

(Lucy) # Oh, Ricky, what's a girl like me supposed to do? #

# You really drive me wild when you sing your "Babalu" #

(Ricky) # Oh, Lucy, you're so dizzy, don't you have a clue? #

# Well, here's to you, Lucy #

# I love you too, Lucy, too, Lucy #

# Let's "Babalu," Lucy #

Hey, Ricky!

# You're always playing at the club #

# You never let me go #

# I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin', but you always tell me no #

# Oh, please, honey, please, let me be in your show, Ricky #

(sobs)

(Ricky) # You always burn the roast, and you drop the dishes too #

# You iron my new shirt #

# And you burn a hole right through #

# You're such a crazy redhead #

# I just don't know what to do, Lucy #

#

(Lucy) # Oh, Ricky, what a pity, don't you understand #

# That every day's a rerun #

# And the laughter's always canned #

(Ricky) # Oh, Lucy, I'm the Latin leader of the band #

# So, here's to you, Lucy #

# Let's "Babalu," Lucy, too, Lucy #

Everybody rumba!

("I Love Lucy" theme playing)

(laughing)

(narrator) More years passed.

Like the warm winds

following a sumptuous chili dinner,

Al attended Lynwood High School,

a school noted for its famous alumni,

including Fernando Lamas, Benny Goodman,

and Leon Spinks.

Al was an excellent student who seemed to enjoy his studies.

He took great pride in his schoolwork

and actively participated in extracurricular activities.

(laughs)

How could I forget Al Yankovic?

He was -- He was pretty weird even back then.

I remember his shop project was an electric wiener warmer.

Oh, it was a real work of art.

It had beveled edges, and it was brushed metal

and had Bakelite handles.

And the hot dogs,

they were supposed to revolve

around a little aluminum carousel

so they'd cook evenly.

And it even had a brass tray at the bottom

to catch all the natural juices.

Well, when the day came for Al to try it out,

he insisted on using only all-kosher, 100% beef wieners.

Well, I-- I would have given him an "A",

but, well, when we--

when we plugged the thing in,

the power surge blacked out

all the electricity in the school

and (laughs) everything else within a six-block radius.

(laughs)

Do I remember Al?

He would always wear those Hawaiian shirts,

and I remember one day... (laughs)

This... (coughs)

This-- This is very funny.

One day,

the funniest thing hit me right in the middle of class.

I said... (coughs, laughs)

I said, "Al, you know those colored shirts you always wear?"

(laughs)

"They--" (coughs)

"They remind me of the dorsal coloration

of the speckled-bellied salamander."

(laughs, coughs)

I just-- (coughs)

Yankovic?

I don't remember him.

Wait!

Wasn't he that Puerto Rican football player?

(narrator) In addition to his studies,

Al had a very active social life.

He went to movies,

dinners,

and dances,

much like many young men his age.

While his contemporaries were listening

to the Eagles and Rod Stewart,

Al was captivated by the sounds

of Allan Sherman, Tom Lehrer, and Spike Jones.

In order to earn extra spending money,

Al tried his hand at a variety of part-time jobs.

During the summer of his junior year,

Al's father got him a job

at the Scheckman Pharmaceutical Company

as a quality-control tester

in the nasal-decongestant division.

(inhales deeply)

But Al's favorite place to work was the local ice cream parlor.

#

# I hear those ice cream bells, and I start to drool #

# Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school #

# Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old #

# Vanilla just leaves me cold #

# There's just one flavor good enough for me #

# Yeah, me #

# Don't give me no crummy taste spoon #

# I know what I need #

# Baby, I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop with me #

# Ow #

# They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same #

# All the soda jerkers know my name #

# When their supply is gone, then I'll be movin' on #

# But I'll be back on Monday afternoon #

# You'll see #

# Another truckload's comin' in for me, all for me #

# I'm singin' I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop with me #

# Ow #

#

Oh, make it talk!

# When I'm all alone #

# I just grab myself a cone #

# And if I get fat and lose my teeth #

# That's fine with me #

# Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key #

# Singin' I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop with me #

# I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop with #

# I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop with #

# I love rocky road #

# So, won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby? #

# I love rocky road #

# So, have another triple scoop with me #

#

(narrator) The California Polytechnic State University

at San Luis Obispo.

This hallowed institution

nestled in the foothills of the Santa Lucia mountain range

provides an excellent atmosphere dedicated to higher learning.

It was here that an eager Al Yankovic

embraced academic life.

He selected architecture as his field of study

for its long tradition of design, aesthetics,

importance to Western civilization,

and, as Al himself would later admit,

it was listed first in the school catalog.

During the course of his architectural studies,

Al's innate talent blossomed with ambitious creative designs.

This daring concept was featured

in the "Magazine of Modern Design"--

"Burgeropolis, the City of the Future."

But all work and no play makes Al a dull boy.

He continued to charm his way

into the hearts of many young coeds,

who, even then, found his natural panache

and sense of humor irresistible.

But even with Al's blossoming architectural endeavors

and amorous adventures,

his main love continued to be music.

It was at his college radio station, KCPR,

where his taste in music and his unusual behavior

earned him the nickname

that was to stick with him from then on.

(record scratches)

All right, looks like it's gonna be

another record-breaking show.

You got Weird Al on the radio.

It's instant request time.

Hello. KCPR.

You want to hear "You Light Up My Life"

by Debby Boone?

All right, another instant request!

# All right, everybody's heard about the bird #

# Bird, bird, bird, bird, bird's the word #

# Well, bird, bird, bird, bird is the word #

# Well, bird, bird, bird #

#

(narrator) It was here, in this men's lavatory

now designated as a permanent state historical landmark,

that Al recorded the song that was to be his first hit.

(Weird Al) # Hungry one #

# Open up a package of my bologna #

# Ooh, I think the toast is done #

# The toast is done #

# Top it with a little of my bologna #

It was really a stroke of genius.

Al intuitively knew

that the acoustics inside that bathroom

would give him the precise sound he was looking for.

The reverberation of those little diamond-shaped tiles

combined with the echo available from the showers

was dynamically perfect.

Al told me how he had searched the entire campus

looking for just the right bathroom.

You know, when I produced

Billy Joel's "Innocent Man" album,

I found several places where it was effective

to incorporate the same technique.

#

(narrator) It was the legendary DJ, Dr. Demento,

who first introduced Al's music to national audiences.

An avid listener since his childhood days,

Al would send tapes to the doctor

of his latest compositions recorded in his bedroom.

Al's exposure on the doctor's radio show

proved to be his big break.

...and now here's the song

that's been lighting up the Dr. Demento request lines,

the latest from Weird Al Yankovic,

"Another One Rides the Bus."

(Weird Al) # Ridin' in a bus down the boulevard #

# And the place was pretty packed #

(man) # Yeah #

(Weird Al) # Couldn't find a seat, so I had to stand #

# With the perverts in the back #

# It was smelling like a locker room #

# There was junk... #

(narrator) This man, who thought himself

to be a vibrant force in the entertainment business,

recognized Al's talent

and would soon become the mastermind

behind his career.

His name was Barry Cohen.

I hadn't really had any experience

in pop management before.

I'd had some degree of success

with Brickman's Poodle Review and the Flying Manzeni Sisters--

you're probably familiar with them--

as well as some success

marketing certain special merchandise,

but I never really managed a pop artist

before that day I went down to Mickey's Bowl-A-Rama

and saw Weird Al performing.

From the first moment I heard him,

I knew he was gonna be a force to be reckoned with.

(narrator) Barry Cohen convinced Weird Al to put up his own money

to make a test pressing of "Another One Rides the Bus."

Barry assured Al he had the right connections

to make him famous.

Listen, how long have we known each other?

I told you, you got to order

six sets of the personalized grapefruit knives

in order to get the free happy-face auto air freshener.

Okay. Okay, we'll talk.

From now on, every customer gets on of these.

I mean, you never know who's out there.

So, Al, let's talk promotion.

I got this plan that absolutely can't fail.

(woman) Barry, Brickman's here.

He wants his check.

Uh, Al, would you excuse me for a moment?

(dogs barking)

Karl, how are you?

Look, you know checks can only be issued

on the 17th of the month.

I know, but Fifi needs a manicure and a shampoo,

and Griselda's costume needs new sequins--

you know, the little blue one you love so much.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Listen, we'll take care of it.

But first I want you to meet

our newest member of the little family.

Karl Brickman, canine trainer, showman extraordinaire,

meet Al Yankovic,

king of rock-'n'-roll accordion

and future music legend.

How do you do, young man?

Barry, these things can't wait.

The show must go on.

I must get prepared for my next performance.

(dog barking)

(gasps) Oh, Fifi, no, no!

Don't do that!

(laughs)

Uh, listen, I'll talk to you later

about that gig at the Cuyahoga County Fair, okay?

What-- What about the deli platter for my dressing room?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I spoke to the promoter personally,

and he assured me that the cold cuts will be fresh

and the ricotta cheese is in the little triangular shapes

that you like so much.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, I'll see you later. Don't forget. Don't forget.

See you later. We'll talk, yeah.

What a nut. I love that guy.

(woman) Barry, your mother's on the phone.

Okay, okay, I'll get it.

Uh, and get me Allan Pepper at the Boom Boom Room.

Look, Al, we're gonna book a hot gig for you,

an industry showcase,

and when we do it, we're gonna do it right.

We'll rehearse, we'll have lights and everything,

we'll put a band around you.

It'll be great.

Hello, Mom? I'll call you back.

(woman) Barry, Mr. Pepper's on the line.

Watch this.

Hello, Allan. How are you?

Yeah, how was Gordon's bar mitzvah?

Good, good, I'm glad.

Uh, listen, Allan,

I got a hot new musical act that's perfect for your club.

No! Honest, I'm serious.

Yeah, his name's Weird Al Yankovic.

What do you mean that's too bad?

Well, he's fantastic,

and-- and he'd be great in your club.

He belongs on your stage.

We're looking for the right industry showcase.

We're gonna pull out all the stops.

So, talk to me. What do you got?

He says you can open for Billy and the Scumwads!

Yeah, well...

okay, Allan, let's talk some serious ducats, then.

How much?

Oh, there must be something wrong with the line, Allan.

Now I can't hear you too good.

How much was that?

How much?

Okay. Okay, as a favor to you, we'll take it.

Yeah, yeah, I know he's got to pay for his own food.

(chuckling) Yeah, okay, okay,

but you owe me one, you monster.

Yeah, send over the contracts.

Uh-huh. Good-bye.

It's the day after tomorrow.

(narrator) Barry used his natural instincts and close personal contacts

to arrange auditions for Al's band.

Okay, send the first one in.

#

Thank you.

(playing "Day Tripper")

Thank you.

No, wait, I'll get it.

(playing "Day Tripper")

Thank you!

#

Thank you!

#

# Love, I love you #

# I've been loving you so long today #

Thank you.

We'll let you know.

#

Thank you.

Get her phone number.

(playing "Soul Man")

Thank you.

We'll get back to you.

#

# I don't want to do my laundry #

# I don't want to do my laundry #

# Why don't you do it for me? #

# I love your lovin', baby, please #

# Do my load of laundry for me... #

(narrator) Despite Barry Cohen's efforts on his behalf,

Al was finally able to put a band together.

Meanwhile, Barry continued to pursue

all of his record label connections,

taking full advantage of his personal charm.

Oh, this is a crazy, crazy business.

Everything happens for a reason and in its own time.

You can't have unreasonable expectations.

It's like the tortoise and the hare,

like the yin and the yang,

supply and demand,

ba-da-beep, ba-da-bop, ba-da-boom.

(woman) Johnny Ronzoni's on the line.

Ronzoni Records?

That's right, Barry, on line two.

(clears throat)

Hello?

Is this Barry Cohen?

Yes, of Barry Cohen Associates.

Barry, this is Johnny Ronzoni

at Ronzoni Records.

Johnny, how are you? How's business?

Yeah, yeah, listen.

I just received my two dozen monogrammed golf balls.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you like them.

But listen, that's not why I called.

This record by this Yankovic kid--

What is it? Crazy Al?

It has interesting possibilities.

Oh, I think so too.

Listen, why don't you come down to the office

and bring Big Al with you,

and we can talk about the tune,

and we can see what we can do here.

Well, listen, I've been impressed with your operation,

the way your treat your artists,

so if we can come to terms on this,

I think it would be mutually beneficial

for both of us.

Yeah, well... Hold on a second.

(to someone else) Tell him if he doesn't like it,

he's history.

So, we'll see you, right?

(receiver clicks)

What did I tell you?

(distant phone ringing)

Listen, Crazy Al,

in the record business,

radio has got you by the goniomes.

We're on the phone here day and night

with those programming yo-yos,

but that's what it takes.

Push, push, push,

and we're the ones who do it.

You know, when my brother Ronnie and me,

when we first started this company,

everybody said it was impossible.

But we're a family here.

That word, "impossible," it's not in our vocabulary.

You know, Wild Al,

life is like one big pizza, you know?

You got to mangia. You know what "mangia" means?

It means "eat." Mangia, mangia, mangia.

And you can't be afraid of taking big bites.

Me, I want to eat the whole pizza.

It's like that with everything.

And at Ronzoni Records,

our artists select the choice toppings.

(Johnny) Big Al?

You too can be a green pepper.

I was just thinking along those lines today.

Time is money, more is less, less is more.

Ba-da-beep, ba-da-bop, ba-da-boom.

So, Al, how does that sound to you?

Are you ready to join the roster

of Ronzoni international superstars

and make millions of dollars?

Okay.

Hey, hey, congratulations!

Welcome to Ronzoni. Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Hey, I'm pretty happy about this, fellas.

(chuckles)

How you feeling? Oh, great.

Great, great, great.

Listen, you just let me

work out the nuts and bolts of the deal with Barry here.

You just worry about writing those hits, huh?

Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

I'll be just a minute.

We got something important to discuss.

Listen, you got any more of those monogrammed golf balls?

I'd like to get some

for some of the boys in the office.

#

(narrator) With things starting to go their way,

Barry took Al to a fashionable clothing store

to begin their search for the right image for Al.

#

After an exhaustive search,

Barry had finally found the perfect look for Al.

#

Al was looking for just the right song

to start his new record career off with a bang.

He needed the right look, the right artist, to parody

and most importantly, his permission.

(wind gusting, distant animal howling)

(thunder rolling)

(door squeaks)

I, um... Son...

we've been expecting you.

(thunder crashes)

(distant animal howls)

(door creaking)

(distant animal howls)

(clears throat)

I've always been a great fan of yours.

I've-- I've got all your records,

and... I'm very grateful

for this opportunity to talk to you.

Well, um, the reason I wanted to see you

was I had this idea to do kind of a takeoff--

you know, a parody-- of, um...

uh, one of your songs.

(growling)

(panting)

It would all be in good fun, of course.

I mean, I have the greatest respect for your work.

(ape whooping) Um, I would never...

I would never...

I mean, uh...

Well, anyway, I was just...

I was just wondering how you'd feel

about my doing a parody of "Beat It" called, um...

"Eat It."

You know, it would be about food

and what mothers say to their kids

about eating tuna casserole and Spam,

and I'd even try to make it sound-- sound like yours.

It could never be as good as yours,

but it'll be pretty good, so what do you think?

(dramatic music playing)

Oh! Oh, oh, wow! Thanks a lot!

You won't be sorry!

I don't believe this! This is great!

Thanks again. You won't regret this.

(laughs)

No, no, no, this is great!

I can't believe it. (laughing)

Oh, I can't believe it. This is great!

Oh, God!

I'll bet you ten...

(growling)

(laughing)

Really, thank you. Thank you so much.

This is great. I can't believe this.

That was-- What a nice guy.

(chatter)

#

# How come you're always such a fussy young man? #

# Don't want no Cap'n Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran #

# Well, don't you know #

# That other kids are starving in Japan? #

# So, eat it, just eat it #

# Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate #

# Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate #

# You won't get no dessert till you clean off your plate #

# So, eat it #

# Don't you tell me you're full #

# Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

# Get yourself an egg and beat it #

# Have some more chicken, have some more pie #

# It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Ooh #

# Your table manners are a cryin' shame #

# You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game #

# Now, if you starve to death #

# You'll just have yourself to blame #

# So, eat it, just eat it #

(trills, burps)

# You better listen, better do what you're told #

# You haven't even touched your tuna casserole #

# Ooh #

# You better chow down or it's gonna get cold #

# So, eat it #

# I don't care if you're full #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Eat it # # Eat it #

# Open up your mouth and feed it #

# Have some more yogurt, have some more Spam #

# It doesn't matter it it's fresh or canned #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Eat it # # Eat it #

# Don't you make me repeat it #

# Have a banana, have a whole bunch #

# It doesn't matter what you had for lunch #

# Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

# Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

(panting)

#

# Eat it # # Eat it #

# Eat it # # Eat it #

# If it's gettin' cold, reheat it #

# Have a big dinner, have a light snack #

# If you don't like it, you can't send it back #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Eat it # # Eat it #

# Get yourself an egg and beat it #

Oh, Lord.

# Have some more chicken, have some more pie #

# It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried #

# Just eat it # # Eat it #

# Eat it # # Eat it #

# Don't you make me repeat it #

Oh, no.

# Have a banana, have a whole bunch #

# It doesn't matter #

#

(narrator) "Eat It" became an instant smash,

and Weird Al's video was seen everywhere.

In no time at all,

Al had become one of the world's most sought-after celebrities.

#

You know, in all my years in the music business,

I can honestly say I've never seen anything

like the phenomenal response to Al's music.

He combines the great showmanship of the Beatles

with the poignancy of Dylan.

He's created a kind of magic all his own.

It's not the Motown sound.

It's not the Philadelphia sound.

It can only be described as...

the Al sound.

(narrator) Al's success catapulted him to the concert stage,

and Barry Cohen had his hands full

arranging for a national concert tour.

Al's live appearances drew standing-room-only crowds.

Philadelphia, San Francisco, Chicago,

New York, and Toledo

all played host to rock's newest superstar.

Al's record-breaking concert tour

culminated with 42 sold-out performances

in the entertainment capital of the world.

(man) Good morning, everybody.

This is KIDB radio in Los Angeles.

It's 76 degrees at 8:14

and time to get ready for Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al will be coming to Los Angeles later tonight

for his concert under the stars at the Greek Theatre.

Now, the show is sold out,

but we still have six tickets here at KIDB,

and we'll be giving them away,

so stay tuned, because you might be a lucky winner.

And right now at the hotel,

Al's army, as they've come to be known,

are setting up for his arrival.

Weird Al himself is still at Yankland,

his home in Lynwood, California, of course,

but he'll be here later this afternoon.

And now here's another tune from Weird Al.

This is "Midnight Star."

#

# I was waiting in the express lane #

# With my 12 items or less #

# At the checkout counter at the local grocery store #

#

# I was only passin' by, but a paper caught my eye #

# And I learned a few things I never knew before #

# It said your pet may be an extraterrestrial #

# It said the ghost of Elvis is living in my den #

# You can learn to cope with stress #

# And you can beat the IRS #

# And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again #

# Oh, the Midnight Star #

# It's in the weekly Midnight Star #

# Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car #

# Midnight Star, I want to know, I want to know #

# Midnight Star #

# Well, you can read all about it #

# In the weekly Midnight Star #

# You can use your ESP to learn to play guitar #

(guitar riff plays)

# I want to know, I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# I want to know, I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# I want to know, I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# I want to know, I want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

# Inquiring minds like mine want to know #

# Ah... Midnight Star #

(group, chanting) We love Al! We love Al!

We love Al! We love Al! We love Al!

We love Al! We love Al! We love Al!

We love Al! We love Al! We love Al!

And the name of it is "The Dawn of a New Beginning."

You see, Weird Al is the dawn.

He's the beginning, the beginning of everything.

'Cause you know how things, like, begin and end?

'Cause, you know, Weird Al is the greatest guy.

He's an original. He's, like, nature and growing.

And I like to oil paint and everything.

And if I could just give this to him,

it would mean everything because--

Do you think you have a chance of meeting Weird Al?

Well-- Well, I don't know, because sometimes you got to--

It's all who you know, anyway, and it's luck too,

and I'm a very lucky person, and I'm his biggest fan,

and if I--

if I could just meet him and talk to him...

Because he's the beginning of everything!

Oh, it's the real thing,

because the hotel manager

of the Park Plaza Hotel in New York

and Swingles in Cleveland

signed affidavits certifying that this is

Weird Al's actual dental floss that he used,

what piece was used after what meal or what day.

You could even see a little piece of, uh...

I think it's vegetable matter right here.

(man) Now, what do you plan to do with this stuff?

I'm gonna sell 'em.

(chatter)

Okay, that's two T-shirts, one poster,

and a miniature accordion.

That comes to, uh, $22.95.

Thank you.

Hey, don't forget your free slice

of Weird Al pizza.

Excuse me. Can you tell us what you're selling here?

Oh, we have here your complete line

of Al T-shirts.

These shirts are guaranteed 50/50--

half polyester, half cotton,

They never shrink.

Over here is a complete set of souvenir buttons.

These buttons sell for $7 apiece

or five for $35 today only.

These are your actual partially eaten hot dogs

by Al or members of his immediate entourage,

complete with buns of condiments.

And, oh, here's something really fantastic.

This is a bootleg picture disk

of Weird Al live at Sizzler #3.

The quality is really good.

And for every purchase over $49.95,

you get your choice of a complimentary authentic

Weird Al keychain.

Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al!

Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al! Weird Al!

Weird Al! Weird Al!

$2. $2.

Genuine imitation. Looks like the real thing.

Step right up. That's nice.

Now smile. There you go.

$2 a picture. $2.

There you-- Whoops. $2. There you go.

Thank you very much.

Step right up. Don't be shy.

$2, ladies and gentlemen. Send one home.

(indistinct shouting)

(woman) Oh, my God, it's Al!

It's Al! I love you!

(man) It's him! Al, I'm over here!

(man #2) Come over here and get your shirt, man!

(woman) Al! Al!

Oh, you wonderful person!

(man) Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

(woman) I love you, Al!

(woman #2) Me too!

(man) Over here, Al! Over here! Over here!

$5. $5, ladies and gentlemen!

$5. It's the real thing, the genuine article.

There you go. That's right, $5 a picture.

There you are. $5. 5--

$2. $2. A discount.

There you go. Thank you.

There you are. Smile away.

There you go.

(indistinct shouting, cheering)

#

(narrator) But even as he was enjoying the fruits

of his newfound stardom,

success was beginning to change Al

in ways perceptible only to those closest to him.

No, success has not changed Alfred at all.

Yeah, he's a great kid. Hasn't changed a bit.

You know, a lot of people let this kind of thing

go to their head.

Yeah, our boy has really got his head on straight.

He doesn't really call us anymore.

Of course, he's real busy now.

Yeah, too busy to call his own parents.

This is the thanks we get.

It's not like he's being an obnoxious jerk but...

He just acts like he knows everything.

Yes, he thinks he knows everything.

That's why he went on that ridiculous game show.

Ever since he was a kid,

all he could talk about was being on a game show.

Now that he's a big star,

you'd think he wouldn't care about that anymore,

but he went on anyway.

If he wanted a new car,

he could go ahead and come to us.

We would have got him a new car.

Instead he had to make a fool of himself

on a game show.

I was never so embarrassed in all my life.

We had to move.

(man) He's down in the booth?

(man #2) He's ready.

Okay, here we go.

Loosen up, camera two.

Cameras one and three, that's fine.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

Cue lights, music.

#

(man) Now entering the studio are today's contestants.

This is Mr. Millard Snodkin from Carbondale, Illinois.

And this is Mr. Leroy Finkelstein

from Brooklyn, New York.

And this is Alfred Yankovic from Lynwood, California.

These three people will compete today

on "Jeopardy."

(Weird Al) # I was there #

# To match my intellect #

# On national TV #

# Against a plumber, oh, and an architect #

# Both with a PhD #

# I was tense, I was nervous #

# I guess it just wasn't my night #

# Art Fleming gave the answers #

# Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# Well, I knew I was in trouble now #

# My hope of winning sank #

# 'Cause I got the Daily Double now #

# And then my mind went blank #

# I took Potpourri for 100 #

# And then my head started to spin #

# Well, I'm givin' up #

# Don Pardo #

# Just tell me now what I didn't win, yeah, yeah #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

#

(Man) That's right, Al, you lost!

And let me tell you what you didn't win:

a 20-volume set of the "Encyclopedia International,"

a case of Turtle Wax,

and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni,

the San Francisco Treat.

But that's not all.

You also made yourself look like a jerk

in front of millions of people,

and you brought shame and disgrace on your family name

for generations to come.

You don't get to come back tomorrow.

You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game.

You're a complete loser.

# Don't know what I was thinkin' of #

# I guess I just wasn't too bright #

# Well, I sure hope I do better #

# Next weekend on The Price Is Right-ight-ight #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

# Ooh... ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I lost on Jeopardy, baby #

#

#

(narrator) Japan, land of mystery and enchantment.

A country steeped in tradition thousands of years old.

An ancient culture

weathering the stormy onslaught of Western influences.

#

Al had traveled to this distant land

as an ambassador

of international peace and understanding

and to promote his two new Japanese albums.

The success of Al's music in Japan

was an unprecedented phenomenon.

Al's meteoric rise up the Japanese charts

and the enormous response to his videos

endeared him to the hearts of millions.

Al found himself a celebrity stranger

in a strange land.

A longtime student of human behavior,

Al was anxious to observe traditional Japanese customs.

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# A wop bop a loo bop a lop bom bom #

# I got a gal named Sue #

# She knows just what to do, whoo #

# I got a gal named Sue #

# She knows just what to do #

# She knows how to love me, yes, indeed #

# Boy, you don't know what you do to me #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, whoo #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

# A wop bop a loo bop a lop bom bom #

# I got a girl named Daisy #

# She almost drives me crazy #

# Got a gal named Daisy #

# She almost drives me crazy #

# She knows how to love me, yes, indeed #

# Boy, you don't know what you do to me #

# Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy #

#

(narrator) On the way

to do a number of radio and television appearances,

Al and his guide looked for a bite to eat.

I'm starved.

Any place to eat around here?

Yes, a lot of Japanese restaurants.

Oh, look. How about this?

Eww.

Eww!

Eww!

What? What?

Over there!

I'll explain the ingredients.

It's all-beef pat--

I know what this is.

# Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

# Get yourself an egg and beat it #

# Have some more chicken, have some more pie #

# It doesn't matter... #

(speaking Japanese)

(speaking Japanese)

Uh, I can't understand a word you're saying.

#

# How come you're always such a fussy young man? #

# Don't want no Cap'n Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran #

# Well, don't you know #

# That other kids are starving in Japan? #

# So, eat it, just eat it #

# Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

# Don't make me repeat it #

# Have a banana, have a whole bunch #

# It doesn't matter what you had for lunch #

# Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

# Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it #

#

(narrator) After an exhaustive series of media appearances,

Al was looking for a quiet way to unwind.

Unfortunately, he wandered into a pachinko parlor,

the Japanese national pastime.

People spend endless hours

watching thousands of little, steel balls

bouncing around at random.

Al thought this was a great idea

and was totally mesmerized

until a flashing red light indicated a psychomotor overload

and Al feared his head would explode.

Overwhelmed and exhausted by the events of the day,

Al checked into a hotel in downtown Tokyo,

where rooms are available

for the bargain price of $15 a night.

D�nde est� la biblioteca?

(speaking Japanese)

Um...

A capsule? Night-night?

Capsule night-night?

(speaking Japanese)

Name. Address.

(narrator) This modern hotel boasted a variety of luxury suites,

each complete with all the comforts of home:

an AM/FM stereo/radio...

(man speaking Japanese)

...a color TV,

an adjustable reading light,

and the added convenience of personalized room service.

Um...

Gracias.

(man speaking Japanese on radio)

(narrator) Reflecting on all he had seen and done,

Al's imagination ran wild

with thoughts of further adventures

in strange and faraway places

as he turned in for the night.

#

Tonight is your last chance

to catch this week's top 20 videos

on the MTV Top 20 Video Countdown...

(narrator) After returning home from his trip to the Orient,

Al decided to activate his pirate satellite transmitter

and take over the airwaves of MTV.

(static, indistinct speech)

(man imitating whooshing air)

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

(MTV theme song playing)

(Weird Al) "Al TV," another one of those music video kind of shows

you watch on television sometimes.

All right, it's time once again for Al News.

Starting off on a sad note,

Mick Jagger is in traction this week

after being involved in a minor car accident.

It seems he stuck his head out of the window

on the freeway

only to be slapped repeatedly in the face

by his own lips.

Doctors have called it the worst case of liplash

they've ever seen.

Well, get well soon, Mick.

On the concert scene,

Elvis Costello is in the process

of planning his next North American tour,

and there's talk he'll be out on the road

with the international supergroup ABBA.

So, look for ABBA and Costello when they come to your town.

There seems to be a little problem

with the billing, however.

They still haven't decided who's on first.

Got a letter from Kathy Splain out of El Paso, Texas.

And, uh...

Aww, it's an envelope full of chili.

That's great. Thanks, Kathy.

ZZ Top's management

tells us the group decided

to shave off their beards last week,

and we here at "Al TV" wish ZZ Top

the best of luck with their new image.

Okay, what could this be?

(rattling)

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I hate these chain letters.

And in our Hollywood Report,

Sting has been turning down movie offers for some time now,

just waiting for the ideal role to come along.

Well, apparently it has,

because word has it that Sting just signed a contract

to play the title role

in a remake of the Jerry Lewis movie "The Nutty Professor."

When asked for a comment,

all Sting could say was, "La, la, la, nice lady."

Uh, while you're waiting,

you might as well hop out to the kitchen

for a little nutrition break.

This is one of my favorite recipes:

ice cream...

carrots...

Twinkies,

and mustard...

on whole wheat bread.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

We'll be right back.

#

# I eat filet mignon seven times a day #

# My bathtub's filled with Perrier #

# What can I say? This is the life #

# I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood #

# I hire somebody to chew my food #

# I'm an upwardly mobile dude #

# This is the life #

# They say that money corrupts you #

# But I can't really tell #

# I got the whole world at my feet #

# And I think it's pretty swell #

# I got women lined up outside my door #

# They've been waitin' there since the week before #

# Who could ask for more? This is the life #

#

# What up? What up? #

# You're dead for a real long time #

# You just can't prevent it #

# So, if money can't buy happiness #

# I guess I'll have to rent it #

# Yeah, every day I make the front-page news

# No time to pay my dues #

# I got a million pairs of shoes #

# This is the life #

# That's right, I'm the king, number one #

# I buy monogrammed Kleenex by the ton #

# I pay the bills, I call the shots #

# I grease the palms, I buy the yachts

# One thing I can guarantee #

# The best things in life, they sure ain't free #

# It's such a thrill just to be me #

# This is the life #

(women) # La... #

# This is the life #

(humming MTV theme song)

Guys, I could just watch those videos all day long

until my brain turns into mush.

Couldn't you?

Well, I'm eating my lunch right now,

so let's just keep the show going.

You're watching "Al TV,"

the music video program

that helps build strong bodies 12 ways.

Anyway, I want you to meet a special friend of mine.

This is my best friend in the whole world--

Harvey the wonder hamster.

Say hello, Harvey.

Oh, isn't he cute? Isn't he cute?

Go ahead, make my day.

Just kidding.

This is great. I can't wait to see this.

Right now we're going to world-premiere

the new "State of Shock" video on "Al TV."

Um, they told me I should read this letter

before I play it.

"Dear Al, hope you enjoy the new 'State of Shock' video.

"We here at Epic Records consider it a great privilege

"that you are world-premiering it on 'Al TV.'

"We did have a problem, however.

"We couldn't get Mick Jagger or Michael Jackson

"to appear in the video.

"But we wanted a video real bad,

"so we just did the best we could.

Yours truly, Harvey Leeds, Epic Records."

Well, thanks, Harvey.

Um...

Okay, without further ado,

here's, uh, here's the world premiere

of "State of Shock" on Al TV.

(man) 300,000 albums

when the movie was on cable television

for one month.

You know, what are you hockin' me for?

Play the video.

You don't want to play it? Go play Bugs Bunny videos.

Call Burbank, okay?

Now, if you want to do this promotion,

we can talk about that some other time.

Look, I got to go. All right?

Hang on. I'll call you right back.

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You got to be mine #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You're just so fine #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# I like your style #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# It makes me wild #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You're talkin' to me good #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You know you like, you should #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You get me on my knees #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# But please, baby, please #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# She looks so great every time I see her face #

# She puts me in a state, unh #

# State of shock #

# Da-da, da, da #

# # Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# She brought me on my knees #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Oh, please, baby, please #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# I know you like to tease #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# But please, baby, please #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# I like the way you walk #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Tal, baby, talk #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You're talkin' to me good #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Like you know you should #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# She, she looks so great every time I see her face #

# She puts me in a state, unh #

# State of shock #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You know I really love you, baby #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# Look what you've done to me, baby #

# Look what you've done to me #

# Da-da, da, da #

# Da, da, da-da, da, da #

# You know I need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation #

# Whoo #

# Come on, baby #

# Yeah, baby, look at me #

# Look at me #

# You've got me #

# You've got me #

# You've got me in a state of shock #

# Look at me #

# Look at me #

# Look at me #

# Look at me #

Whoo!

Well, I... (clears throat)

I hate to get serious here,

but I've been getting a lot of letters

from concerned viewers about this,

and as you all know,

we here at "Al TV" do our best to set the record straight.

People are asking, "Al, is there any truth to the rumor

that the great songs of rock-'n'-roll

were actually written by ancient astronauts?"

Well, I-- I can't say for sure.

All I can do is let you take a look at the evidence

and decide for yourself.

Here's an aerial photograph of the Himalayan mountain range

taken by a research team during the 1950s.

The phrase "be bop a lula"

is clearly burned on the mountaintop

in letters 2,000 feet high.

Who but ancient astronauts would have the time

to do something stupid like this?

Here, take a look

at the Fleetwood Mac "Rumors" album.

Look at the position of Mick and Stevie's bodies

on the cover.

As you can see from this diagram,

their bodies are aligned in such a way

that it looks like some kind of constellation

that ancient astronauts might hang out in or something.

Okay, not too good. Wait.

Okay, look at this.

On the Beatles "White Album,"

if you look at the back cover,

near the bottom,

almost invisible to the naked eye...

There it is.

"Thanks, Bob."

That's right-- Bob, a famous ancient astronaut.

But wait, there's more!

Remember that old Pink Floyd album "Ummagumma"?

Well, I did a little research,

and I found out that "Ummagumma" is a common alien phrase

which, translated literally,

means, "We're running out of good ideas for songs.

Help us."

Hmm.

Need more proof?

Here's a copy of "Houses of the Holy"

by Led Zeppelin.

Let's take a look at the actual record.

Look at that!

It's perfectly round!

And that's not all. Listen to this.

(warbling)

Kind of sounds like a spaceship taking off, doesn't it?

And-- And look at this!

If you put a scoop of cottage cheese

right on the top...

it even looks like something from outer space.

Oh, this is scary stuff! Oh!

What? Still not convinced?

Okay, here's the clincher. Listen to this.

"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

Listen.

# Seasons don't fear the reaper #

# Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain #

# We can be like they are #

Okay, okay, now let's listen to that backwards.

#

Hello.

We would like to take this opportunity

to thank the ancient astronauts

for helping us write this...

Incredible, isn't it?

Well... I could go on, but we're running out of time.

You're watching "Al TV,"

the video music channel

that gives meaning to your boring, miserable life.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

No, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, we really appreciate it.

(MTV theme song plays)

(narrator) As Al's success continued to flourish,

stardom began to take its toll,

and he turned inward

to search for the meaning of life.

This introspective period of Al's life

spawned the highly personal and emotionally charged album

entitled "Me, Myself, and I."

This album included the songs "Apples, Oranges, and Silence,"

"Cosmic Shoes," and "Everybody Shut Up."

During this period,

Al experimented with a variety of recording techniques

to intensify his personal expression.

#

It was in these sessions

that Al searched for new sources of inspiration

to complement his creativity.

In further search of universal understanding,

Weird Al stumbled upon Baba Fred Denandananda,

a suburban guru who extolled the virtues of existentialism

and low-interest second-mortgage payments.

Realizing that they were about to lose him

to an endless sea of unproductivity,

the members of Al's band

took matters into their own hands.

With the help of his close friends,

Al snapped out of his troubled state.

Unfortunately for history,

the master tapes from this introspective period

were accidentally erased

when Al carried them through the metal detector

at the Los Angeles International Airport.

We can only guess what impact this album would have had

upon the world.

Yeah, we were all pretty worried about Al for a while.

For a period of time,

he just didn't seem like himself.

But like any great artist who knows his true calling,

he just seemed to snap out of it and return to his true self.

In fact, all of us around him

felt that by him going through this introspective experience,

that he matured more as a person and as an artist.

I noticed the change in the studio right away.

He was-- He was more self-confident

and more self-assured.

His artistic goals seemed to be clearer than ever.

I think he really showed the world

that he was capable of growth and change,

that he could handle the responsibility of stardom.

Yep, we're pretty proud of him.

We always knew

that Alfred would make something of himself.

Yeah, he was always a straight-A student.

Kind of kept to himself, though.

We were so proud when he announced

that he was going to be an architect.

Yeah, architects make pretty good money.

Doctors make better money.

But he wanted to be an architect.

Always told him, "Whatever you want to do,

it's okay with us."

"Just as long as your happy."

But then he started doing all that rock-'n'-roll stuff.

We didn't understand.

What did we send him to college for?

Not so he could hang around with a bunch of jerks.

He used to be such a nice boy.

Where did we go wrong?

(distant phone ringing)

(woman on P.A.) Dr. Roth, please report to Emergency.

Dr. Roth.

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

(flatline tone)

(beeping)

#

# I finally made it through med school #

# Somehow I made it through #

# I'm just an intern #

# I still make a mistake or two #

# I was last in my class #

# Barely passed at the institute #

# Now I'm trying to avoid #

# Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid #

# A malpractice suit #

# Hey, like a surgeon #

(whirring)

# Cuttin' for the very first time #

# Like a surgeon #

# Organ transplants are my line #

# Better give me all your gauze, nurse #

# This patient's fading fast #

# Complications have set in #

# Don't know how long he'll last #

# Let me see that I.V. #

# Here we go, time to operate #

# I'll pull his insides out #

# pull his insides out #

# And see what he ate #

# Like a surgeon #

# Hey #

# Cuttin' for the very first time #

# Like a surgeon # (bell dings)

# Here's a waiver for you to sign #

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa... #

(suction)

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa... #

(suction)

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa #

# It's a fact, I'm a quack #

# The disgrace of the A.M.A. #

# 'Cause my patients die #

# Yeah my patients die before they can pay #

# Like a surgeon #

# Hey #

# Cuttin' for the very first time #

# Like a surgeon #

# Got your kidneys on my mind #

# Like a surgeon #

# Ooh, hoo, like a surgeon #

# When I reach inside #

# With my scalpel #

# And my forceps #

# And retractors #

# Oh, ho... oh, oh, oh #

# Oh-oh-oh, ho... oh... ho... oh... ho... #

# Ooh, baby, baby #

# Yeah #

# I can hear your heart beat #

# For the very last time #

(flatline tone)

#

(buzzer)

(narrator) Al's success continued to grow,

and Barry Cohen continued to rise to the occasion.

Al, some gentlemen are coming by

to show us some ideas about ancillary merchandising.

There's all kinds of money that can be made here.

It's like apples and oranges,

death and taxes,

uh, Amos and Andy,

ba-da-beep, ba-da-bop, ba-da-boom.

Mr. Cohen!

Mr. Yankovic!

I don't want to take much of your time,

so let me get straight to the point.

This little baby's gonna sell like hotcakes.

It's a perfect tie-in for your client.

It's the hottest product

on the rock-'n'-roll market today!

This item's a perennial

that never fails to grab the younger market.

Now, if you're talking penetrating

the 6- to 12-year-old segment,

this baby wholesales for $14.95,

but believe me when I tell you

the stores won't be able to stock 'em fast enough.

Sounds interesting.

It comes complete with a genuine nylon wig;

plastic, nontoxic eyeglasses;

and a self-adhesive, fire-resistant mustache.

It is a genuine fun item.

Why, my whole family derives hours of pleasure

from this unique leisure product.

You know, Al,

all your female friends everywhere

will love this.

Now, maybe they're at home,

they're having a great, romantic evening

with a husband, a boyfriend,

they're playing Weird Al music on the record player,

and they need that certain something

to turn up the heat.

Voil�!

Edible underwear.

Great idea, huh?

That's fantastic!

What do you think, Al?

(narrator) Al realized that his vision of show business

was very different

from the glaring reality confronting him.

This palatial estate, now known as Yankland,

became Al's retreat.

Previously owned by Charlie Chaplin

and Ricardo Montalb�n,

Al used his unique design talents

to adapt the house to his personal living standards.

Although he owned thousands of automobiles,

this '77 Toyota was his favorite.

One of the pleasures that comes with international stardom

is the companionship

of Hollywood's most alluring starlets.

Yeah, Al's career is really exploding.

The things he comes up with!

It boggles my mind. How does he do it?

In fact, we've just come from editing his latest video.

It's phenomenal!

It's hip. It's black. It's country. It's now.

It's all over the charts.

Here, let me show it to you.

You're gonna love this.

Hey, are we still rolling?

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Cut that. Shut that thing off!

(beep-beep)

In fact, we've just come from editing Al's latest video.

Here it is.

# Ah... ah... ah... #

# Ah... ah... #

# Ah... ah... #

# Ah... ah... ah #

# Doo-wop... # # Well, I heard that you're leavin' #

# Leavin' #

# Goin' to leave me far behind #

# So far behind #

# 'Cause you found a brand-new lover #

# You decided that I'm not your kind #

# Ah... ah... ah... ah... #

# So, I pulled your name out of my Rolodex #

# Ooh, ooh, ooh... #

# And I tore all your pictures in two #

# And I burned down the malt shop #

# Where we used to go #

# Just because it reminds me of you #

# Dip-dip-dip-Dippity-Do, yeah #

# That's right # # That's right #

# You ain't gonna see me cryin' #

# I'm glad # # I'm glad #

# That you found somebody new #

# 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity #

# Eating shards of broken glass #

# Than spend one more minute with you #

# Ah... ah... ah... #

# guess I might seem kind of bitter #

# You got me feelin' down in the dumps #

# Oh... oh... ah... #

# 'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love #

# And I have to use the self-service pumps #

# Oh, so, honey, let me help you with that suitcase #

# Ooh... ooh... ooh... #

# You ain't # # You ain't #

# Gonna break my heart in two #

# 'Cause I'd rather #

# Get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face #

# Than spend one more minute with you #

# Whoa... #

# I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork #

# Than watch you going out with other men #

# Oh... oh... oh... #

# I'd rather slam my fingers in a door #

# Yeah #

# Again and again and again and again and again #

Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, darlin'?

# I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches #

# Leeches #

# Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two #

# I'd rather clean all the bathrooms #

# In Grand Central Station with my tongue #

# Than spend one more minute with you #

# Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks #

# Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue #

# Ah... ah... #

# I'd rather dive into a swimming pool #

# Filled with double-edged razor blades #

# Than spend one more minute with you #

# I'd rather rip my heart right out of my rib cage #

# With my bare hands #

# And then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die #

(shrieks)

# Than spend one more minute #

# With you #

# Hoo... #

Oh, it was a great shot, Frank. It was truly inspired.

The light behind Al was... mystical.

I feel good about it myself.

I knew that take 32 was going to be the one.

Yeah, but did we have to do it so many times?

I mean-- I mean, take 32 looked the same as take 3.

Didn't have the magic.

Yeah, well, guess this is almost a wrap,

so we can get this thing in the can, huh?

By the way, has Al come up with an end for the video yet?

I don't think so, but he's working on it.

Oh... wait a minute Working on it?

What? What? What? Like his last album?

God, it took him six months just to come up with a title.

I mean, I don't even think his stuff is funny.

Oh, oh, sure, my kids like it and everything, but...

Al! How you doing? Love your stuff, babe.

I want to tell you,

this video is gonna be a monster,

and all the guys down at the label

are behind you 110%.

Shh!

(shouts) I got it!

A kiwi!

Oh, a kiwi!

Kiwi. $1.15 a pound.

Are-- Are-- Are kiwis imported? Yeah.

A kiwi. No!

An eggplant.

An eggplant!

No, no, never mind. A kiwi. More seeds.

Uh, okay, we should now be able to--

A man!

I see a man

wrapped in bandages from the waste up.

No!

From head to toe.

His entire body covered with bandages.

A bandaged man.

And he's got a knife in his left hand.

And what is he cutting?

A kiwi! (gasps)

This is fantastic!

Did I say they were Day-Glo green bandages?

No.

Come on! Let's shoot this thing!

We have the smoke happening,

so come on!

Everybody's waitin'.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Time is money.

Let's get this thing in the can, huh?

Okay! Let's see.

We've got a man dressed in bandages

from head to toe.

Green bandages.

He's holding a knife in his left hand,

and he's cutting open a kiwi.

And he's wearing sunglasses!

(gasps)

This is fantastic!

I don't-- I don't know. I don't get it.

I mean, what's this got to do with anything?

(chuckling) I mean...

It's a dream.

It's all happening in a dream.

It's beautiful!

It's like a cross between

"The Wizard of Oz" and "Return of the Mummy."

Sounds good to me.

(shouts) Mr. Potato Head!

(gasps)

A whole army of Mr. Potato Heads.

High concept.

I love it. It works.

I need a fish-eye lens and a crane.

Okay.

So, now that that's settled,

let's put this thing to bed.

This video does world-premiere tomorrow,

and maybe we can still bring it in under budget.

Shh! He's on a roll.

Chinese checkers,

mashed potatoes,

and a Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Fabulous! Fabulous.

It's like a cross between "Blade Runner"

and "Kramer vs. Kramer."

Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Oh, yeah, and I suppose they all ride off into the sunset

on plastic cows, huh?

That's good. I like that.

Plastic cows!

(motor revving)

We oughta shoot this.

Uh, Al, can I get you anything?

What? What'd he say?

This is fabulous! Fabulous!

More smoke!

#

# Put down the chainsaw and listen to me #

# It's time for us to join in the fight #

# It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys #

# It's time to let the bedbugs bite #

# You better all your eggs in one basket #

# You better count your chickens before they hatch #

# You better sell some wine before its time #

# You better find yourself an itch to scratch #

# You better squeeze all the Charmin you can #

# When Mr. Whipple's not around #

# Stick your head in the microwave #

# And get yourself a tan #

#

# Talk with your mouth full #

# Bite the hand that feeds you #

# Bite off more than you can chew #

# What can you do? #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Take some wooden nickels #

# Look for Mr. Goodbar #

# Get your mojo working now #

# I'll show you how you can dare to be stupid #

# You can turn the other cheek #

# You can just give up the ship #

# You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Come on and dare to be stupid #

# It's so easy to do # # Dare to be stupid #

# We're all waiting for you #

# Let's go #

#

# It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill #

# Forget I have a volunteer #

# There's no more time for crying over spilled milk #

# Now it's time for crying in your beer #

# Settle down, raise a family join the PTA #

# Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet #

# Then party till you're broke and they drag you away #

# It's okay you can dare to be stupid #

# It's like spitting on a fish #

# It's like barking up a tree #

# It's like I said you gotta buy one #

# If you wanna get one free #

# Dare to be stupid # # Yes #

# Why don't you dare to be stupid? #

# It's so easy to do # # Dare to be stupid #

# We're all waiting for you #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Burn your candle at both ends #

# Look a gift horse in the mouth #

# Mashed potatoes can be your friends #

#

# You can be a coffee achiever #

# You can sit around the house and watch "Leave It To Beaver" #

# The future's up to you so what you gonna do? #

# Dare to be stupid dare to be stupid #

# What did I say? #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Tell me what did I say? #

# Dare to be stupid #

# It's all right #

# Dare to be stupid #

# We can be stupid all night #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Come on join the crowd #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Shout it out loud #

# Dare to be stupid #

# I can't hear you #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Okay, I can hear you now #

# Dare to be stupid # # Let's go #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

# Dare to be stupid #

Hi, Al here.

Well, that's the whole story.

The ups and the downs,

the dreams and the disappointments.

The agony and the ecstasy.

The compleat Al.

And now, I'd just like to take this opportunity

to say thank you to all of my fans

who have been so supportive over the years.

I can't begin to tell you how much you all mean to me.

You know, without you, I'd be nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing, but...

I'd be a worthless hunk of slime.

I'd be a horrible, smelly, weasel-faced shell of a man

just crawling around in the gutter

and eating leftover macaroni and cheese

out of the garbage can.

I'd be this fat, hairy, disgusting slob

with green teeth, talking to fire hydrants

and drooling on myself.

I'd be less than human!

I'd be a pathetic little worm.

No, not a worm, a-- a kangaroo!

I'd just be this kangaroo hop-hop-hopping along--

Did I say "kangaroo"? I meant an amoeba.

I'd be a one-celled amoeba, or, or a paramecium.

Yeah, yeah, that's it, a paramecium!

I can see it now. I'd be this lousy,

stinking paramecium, just waving my flagella all around

and translocating from place to place.

I'd be this-- Hey, hey, where you going?

Hey, wait a minute, come back!

(voice echoing) Hey! Hey, hey, hey...

(narrator) Weird Al,

the man, the myth, the legend.

Where will he go from here?

What new worlds will he conquer?

Who does he think he is?

Will he continue to capture the hearts of millions,

or will he fade into oblivion

like some insignificant pest?

How should I know?