Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

- I'm Randall Park at Freedom High School,

continuing our all-access coverage

of the Dwayne Johnson presidential campaign.

♪ ♪

- Thank you for joining us for the official opening

of the Dwayne Johnson Library.

Dwayne, we always knew

that you were destined for greatness.

- Nice lady.

She made me sound good, but none of it was true.

I mean, the only thing that people said

I was destined to do was time.

[both chuckle] - That's good.

- As we all know, nobody's perfect,

and we all screw up.

I just happened to screw up a little bit more than most.

As a matter of fact, Randall, when I first got here

to Freedom High School, I was a hardcore shoplifter.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, just so you know,

you guys have to come in tighter

when he says stuff like that.

Well, it's too late now.

It's too late. Back up.

Just anticipate.

Uh, continue.

- Yeah, so we moved here to Bethlehem from Nashville

because my dad wasn't wrestling for Vince McMahon anymore.

- That's your father... - Mm-hmm.

- [wrestling announcer voice] "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson!

- Nice, man. Good job.

Give me some. - All right.

- You practiced that, didn't you?

- I did.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I used to be an actor.

- You have. - I have? Okay.

- Yeah, yeah, multiple times. - Oh, okay.

- But back to my parents. - Yes, yes.

- So money wasn't coming in the way it used to,

so he and my mom opened up a cleaning business.

I had a side job after school slinging pizza,

but the only thing I wanted to do was chase girls.

- Mm. - [chuckles]

And to get their attention, I thought

that I had to look rich, hence all the stealing.

- Candidate Johnson, please,

remember our media training session.

- It's fine, Sandy. - Yeah, it's fine, Sandy.

- So my dad was still trying to wrestle

any chance that he got, so my Uncle Afa

from the Wild Samoans... - The Wild Samoans.

[growls] - Yeah, that's good.

- Yeah. - Borderline inappropriate.

- Oh, okay. - It was the tongue.

- Yeah. Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

So my Uncle Afa hooked my dad up

with a promoter who got him booked

on some local shows, which was great.

I mean, we needed the money, but my dad

was still very much reliving

his glory days of the early '80s.

- Listen to that crowd!

- Whoo!

- Kick to the midsection. Johnson taking a beating!

[Sam and Dave's "Soul Man"]

Rocky making an incredible comeback

against the Nature Boy.

[cheers and applause]

Here comes the big "Soul Man" right hand!

- ♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ ♪

- He holds Flair up!

[crowd cheering] One, two...

- Three, and the crowd goes wild!

- Yeah, right, they did!

- I remember seeing that match on TV.

- Flair's a great guy. Just don't touch his hair.

But do compliment his ring entrance robe.

Brother spends a ton on feathering.

- [sighs]

Dewey, did you put an empty egg carton

and an empty milk carton back in the fridge?

- How are you supposed to know we're out of stuff

if I don't put the empty cartons in the fridge?

- How 'bout you write it down on the grocery list?

- Because when I do, you ignore it.

Like, here I wrote "Coke," and you bought

Sim's Market Brand Sugar Cola.

- Do you think I want Sim's Market Brand Milk Alternative

for my coffee? No.

I want the purple half-and-half,

but nobody here is making half-and-half money, Dewey.

We're making Sim's Market Brand money.

Gotta take a shower. I've got a new client.

I can't be late.

[phone rings]

- Hello? - Hey, Son.

- Hey, Dad. - Is your mom there?

- She's in the shower.

She's working for that new client today.

- All right, let her know I'm running a little late.

I lost track of time

storytelling for the guys at the gym.

- Mom seems real stressed, Dad.

- Hey, when I get home, I'll give her

a Rocky Johnson foot massage.

That'll take care of it.

Well, since I waited 20 minutes

for the phone to open up,

let's not waste it.

Hey, how's it going with that girl you like?

- Fine-Ass Karen--and not good.

I want to ask her out,

but so does every other guy in school.

- Well, son, you are not every other guy.

You just need to figure out what you can offer her

that no one else can.

- My Hans and Franz impression from "Saturday Night Live."

- I don't know what that means, son,

but you gotta step your game up.

Be confident. Girls like swagger.

And don't wait to make your move.

For every second you hesitate, there's another guy out there

telling your girl

she'd look better with less makeup.

- So I wasn't gonna hesitate.

[Bon Jovi 's "Livin' On A Prayer"]

- Dewey, I'm leaving. See you tonight!

- Okay, Ma, see you later!

- This girl Karen thought I was rich,

and I sure as hell wasn't,

so I had to impress her

with the best stolen clothes I had.

♪ ♪

That's right, those are Girbaud jeans.

- ♪ Living on a prayer ♪

- I had my gear.

Now I just had to catch my ride.

♪ ♪

- Hello, hello.

Uh, sir, you need to be a student to ride this bus.

- I am a student.

- You got some stones, pervert.

- Gabe, yo, tell him I'm a student!

- Are those Girbaud jeans?

- So I think Mondays and Thursdays to start,

and if you have any questions or you need anything,

just let me know.

- Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Ariti.

- Oh, please, call me Diane. Do you have any kids?

I have a daughter, supposedly.

She hasn't called in three weeks.

I'm learning to cook Indian, but I can't find the spices!

So if it hadn't been for that second margarita,

you'd be looking at Mrs. Kelsey Grammer right now.

And I just don't think I'm a good hugger!

Do you think I should get a facelift?

Be honest.

I have a shrimp allergy!

Clark got me this for my birthday.

He was always getting me expensive, insulting gifts.

Bicycle, gym membership, diet pills--

- Oh, my God, those aren't real problems.

Paying rent, keeping the lights on,

those are real problems.

- Oh, right.

Of course.

I could pay you a dollar more an hour.

- No, no, that's not what I was asking.

- I just used to pay what my neighbor paid,

but she moved--

- Let's just forget I said anything.

- I can't believe he wouldn't let me on the bus.

I was so late that I missed homeroom

with Fine-Ass Karen.

She didn't get to see the new jeans I stole

or my Hans and Franz.

What if I miss my window with her?

- Dude, honestly, I don't know if your jeans

or your impression would have mattered.

Karen has crazy high standards.

- ♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

- Take me home.

Take me home.

- ♪ Karen ♪

- Take me home.

- Um, we're at your house.

- Oh.

Well, take yourself home then.

My God.

It's the Karens! - What?

- It's the Karens! - No, here?

- ♪ Taking me ♪

♪ To the point of no return ♪

- Fine-Ass Karen.

[Exposé's "Point Of No Return"]

Big Hair Karen.

Colorblind Karen. - [sighs]

- And Bonnie.

They made her an honorary Karen 'cause it's her car.

- Yo, they're coming. They're coming in.

- Yo!

- What are we doing? - Yo, I don't know man!

Just be cool!

I'm gonna put these peppers on a plate.

- ♪ I ♪

♪ I'd like to feel the passion ♪

♪ To the point of no return ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

- The universe was giving me a second chance,

and like my dad said, I had to be confident.

- Yo, let's go over.

- I can't, man.

I squirted pepper juice in my eye.

Ugh. Ow.

Go over there for the both of us.

- [exhales]

Hello, ladies. - Hi, Tomas.

- Oh, yeah, I also told her that my name was Tomas.

- Missed you in homeroom. - Oh, I was shaving.

Lost track of time.

- So why are you even working here?

I thought Karen said you were rich.

- Oh, this isn't a money job. This is a build-character job.

- I totally get it.

My cousin's a construction worker.

- My dad's a professional wrestler.

That's where our family money comes from.

- Oh, yeah?

My dad bought WrestleMania III on pay-per-view.

Was your dad in that?

- No, but he's friends with all the guys who were.

I once spent a beautiful day with André the Giant

when I was a kid.

- Fezzik!

That's his character's name in "The Princess Bride."

- Well, that's interesting.

Not what Bonnie said, but what you said.

The last guy I dated's dad was vice president

for the acquisitions of--who cares?

So boring.

- You know, I was actually talking about you

with my dad this morning. - What?

No, you weren't. - I was.

I told him I wanted to ask you out.

You know what he told me? - What?

- He told me to offer you what the other guys can't.

- Oh, yeah, and what's that?

- [German accent] I'm Hans.

I'm Franz. And we want to pump you up.

- I love Hans and Franz. Call me later.

[upbeat music]

- The "Soul Man" has withstood the onslaught

by Roddy Piper and is now all over the rowdy one!

[cheers and applause]

Here comes the signature drop kick!

Is it over?

[crowd chanting] One, two...

- Three, the crowd goes wild!

Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

- Like I said, I don't really watch wrestling.

- Sure you do.

Let me tell you about this other time.

So I had this brother, right?

- Well, I feel awful.

I snapped at my new client today,

so now I'm making her apology musubis.

- Do like we do out here in Hawaii.

Send mangoes, the fruit of forgiveness.

- There he is. I did what you said.

I stepped to Karen with confidence,

and she gave me her number.

- Oh, that's great, son.

I told you that would work.

- Gonna call her tonight after I work out

so I can say, "I just worked out."

- Smooth as hell, son. Keep your foot on the gas.

Don't let up.

- Rocky, did that promoter pay you yet?

- Uh, no, we got a match on Saturday.

Office said he's gonna pay us then.

- Where's your match on Saturday?

- North Hampton College. Sold out.

- Really? - Totally sold out.

Oh, I'm gonna blow their minds.

Like that time I went up against Paul Orndorff...

[school bell rings]

[funky music]

- Hello, Dwayne. How's student life?

- Hey, Principal Bogg. It's good.

- That was for the benefit of the kids, Officer Johnson.

I don't want to blow your cover.

Any leads on the rash of locker break-ins?

- Again, I'm not a narc. - Of course.

You can't talk on school premises.

I'll make us a reservation at Morton's Steakhouse.

You can brief me later.

Hey, stay safe out there.

- What?

♪ ♪

Karen, Karen, Karen, Bonnie.

- You can call me Karen.

- Is it me, or is he wearing all red?

- It's you. - Hi, Tomas.

Fun talking to you on the phone last night.

- Think how fun it will be when we talk face-to-face

on our date.

- Karen, you didn't tell us he asked you out.

- He didn't, Karen. It's happening right now.

- No fricking way.

- My dad is wrestling at North Hampton College

on Saturday.

It's sold out, but I can get us in.

Snag us some VIP passes, hang backstage.

- That would be pretty exciting.

I've never seen a live show.

See, Kevin? That's how you do it.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪

♪ I can't wait ♪

- Mmm.

They taste like hope for a better future.

- [chuckles]

- Thank you for these, but you really didn't have to.

- It's the least I could do after how I spoke to you.

It's not an excuse, but my husband's been having

work issues, and money's been tight.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too.

Ever since my daughter left home and my divorce,

I've been a little lonely.

I guess I got overexcited at having company.

- Family tests you whether they're here or they're gone.

- Amen.

Just like Sally Jessy says, "We're expected

to react to the needs of the people around us."

- Who's Sally Jesse?

- Sally Jesse Raphael.

The yellow haired hawk of daytime talk.

Oh, come with me. Come with me.

- And I was like, "No, Bonnie, a perm would not do well

with your face structure."

And that is how I saved her life.

- What would she do without you?

- Wow, this place really is sold out.

- I'll talk to the guy, tell him who we are.

- Here for the flea market?

- We're here for the wrestling match.

- Yep, you're in the right place.

That's right between the vintage coats

and French armoires.

- Now, I knew my dad wasn't wrestling

in packed arenas anymore,

but he definitely stretched the truth

about this venue.

- Dewey! [chuckles]

Well, well, well, and this must be Karen.

Oh, what a surprise. - Dewey?

- My nickname. - It's a nickname for Tomas?

- Tomas? His name is Dwayne.

- Is this true, Tomas?

- You said you were wrestling at a college.

- Yeah, this is at a college.

- This is a flea market next to a college.

- Commemorative bicentennial spoons?

- Ew, I am not buying used spoons.

- Vintage T-shirts, young lady? You a fan of GWAR?

- Dwayne! - One sec.

Look at her, Dad. She's not the flea market type.

You know I've been trying to impress this girl.

- All right, all right, I might have hyped it up a bit,

but the crowd is pumped.

- There's, like, ten people here.

- Now, see, there was 11, but this woman fainted

when she heard I was on the card.

Yeah, she saw me wrestle Mr. Fuji

at the Garden years ago.

Now, that was a hell of a match.

- Okay, sure, my dad stretched the truth

to make himself look good, but he was also used

to a certain level of success that he wasn't

ready to give up.

- So Fuji's about to throw salt in my eyes, right?

- Dwayne, can we go?

There is a woman trying to sell me

what I think is a racist syrup jar.

- Um, we gotta-- - Oh, wait, wait, no.

You can't leave before the main event.

- For sure, we're staying.

No way we're missing a Rocky Johnson show.

- That's my boy.

- Rocky, showtime. - Great, thanks, Hal.

I'll see you two after the match?

- No way we're staying.

There is a man selling a pile of old baby shoes,

and it is freaking me out.

- If you want to leave, go ahead, but I'm staying.

- Why?

- He's my dad.

- Like Karen, I'm also confused.

Why did you stay?

- He's my dad.

That's it.

- Wait.

- And it's really unusual, I think, to hear women

say this-- looks are more important

than brains? - Oh, yeah.

- I think I would like a dumb, hot man.

Clark was basically a giant brain

attached to the body of an uncooked chicken.

- [laughs]

I'd like a man who can put his ego aside.

I love Rocky, but he always exaggerates

to make himself look good when he doesn't even have to.

It's exhausting.

- Still, sounds better than Clark.

An uncooked chicken, Ata. - [laughs]

Oh, I have to go. - No.

- Yeah, I still gotta go to the grocery store

and get dinner ready.

- You have to take time for yourself too.

"Find the little joys,

for they give us the greatest pleasures."

- Did you just come up with that?

- No, that's SJR.

She said it to a toothless woman addicted to crystal meth.

I recorded it. I'll show you.

- Got us some snacks.

- That's what my family buys to feed the fish

when we go to the Poconos.

- [screams] - [screams]

- [chuckles] Hey, Uncle Afa, Uncle Sika.

This is Karen. - Hi, Karen.

- [screams] - [screams]

- [laughs] Bye, Karen.

- Should've gone white water rafting with Kevin.

- Okay, yeah, this place sucks,

but I promise you're in for a show.

- In this corner, the "Soul Man"!

- Even though my dad wasn't wrestling

in Madison Square Garden anymore,

in his mind, he was.

[Sam and Dave's "Soul Man"]

- And his opponent, hailing from the ocean,

the Gull!

- [screams]

- Ooh, a dirty attack by the Gull before the bell.

- And whether it was the Gull or Rick Flair

or Roddy Piper,

anytime Rocky Johnson got in that ring,

he went all out.

- ♪ That's what I got, the hard way ♪

♪ And I'll make it better each and every day ♪

- It's so violent in real life.

- Ah, ah! Ow!

- ♪ 'Cause you ain't seen nothing yet ♪

- If he doesn't sell and get his opponent over,

there's no point in blowing his comeback.

- What does that mean?

- Ow!

- ♪ I'm a soul man ♪

- Stop it! He's hurt!

- ♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ ♪

- Rocky reaches the ropes.

The Gull has to let him go or be disqualified.

[audience booing] - Caw!

- I hate you!

- [mouthing words]

- Nobody put on a show like the "Soul Man."

- Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

[all chanting] Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

[crowd cheering] Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

- ♪ I'm a soul man ♪

[all cheer]

- [grunts]

- ♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ ♪

- Whoo!

♪ Well, grab the rope, let me pull you in ♪

♪ Give you hope ♪

♪ And be your only boyfriend ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[crowd chanting] One, two...

- Three!

[cheers and applause]

- Like my dad, I had been exaggerating the truth

to make myself look good, but when I finally got real

and chose to be there for him over impressing the girl,

I somehow got the girl.

- That was amazing!

- What did I tell you?

Nobody puts on a show like my dad.

[cheers and applause]

- That was so fun.

You set the bar high for our next date.

- Next date?

Oh, is that before or after you go rafting with Kevin?

- Shut up. - Ah.

- Hi, Rocky! - Hey.

- Amazing, Dad.

You put on a show.

- You were so great, Mr. Johnson.

- Why, thank you, Karen. Appreciate that, son.

- I've never seen wrestling live before,

and it was so much better than on TV.

Kind of like that time I saw Kirk Cameron at the airport.

- Hey, hell of a match, Rocky. Hell of a match.

- Finally, payday.

Where's the rest? - That's $300.

- It was 300 per match.

I wrestled three matches for you.

- No, 300 total.

- Just give us a second.

Business.

- $300? That's all?

- Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he doesn't do

these smaller shows for money.

He just does 'em as a favor to my uncles.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Still, though, you want to keep these local promoters honest.

But he makes the real money at the big shows.

- Oh, well, I'd love to see one of those.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

I'll take you to the next one.

Hey, you know, my dad has a ton of merch.

You want a hat? - Mm-hmm.

- I'll bring you a hat on Monday.

- ♪ So the wind might change direction ♪

♪ And you stay always as you are ♪

- I've always loved that song.

- Dwayne said the show was great.

- Hey, you know me.

My worst day is someone else's best day.

- [chuckles]

- Hey, I'm sorry about the money.

Hal swore he was-- - Hey.

$300 is $300. We could use it.

But next time, we gotta make sure you get paid upfront.

- Definitely.

Plus this convention in Erie will bring in some extra dough.

Pose for pictures, sign some autographs.

It'll be great.

Hey, babe, what's with this small, purple milk?

- It's my little joy.

I put it behind the cantaloupe

so Dewey doesn't drink it all in one gulp.

- Smart.

No way that boy's going near a melon.

- Mm-hmm.

- That is a sweet end to the story.

- Would've been, yeah, but that's not the end.

- Unless we want it to be.

- Sandy, please.

- Can someone get this Sandy guy out of here?

Bitch trying to step into my coverage.

- Sorry about that. - That's okay.

- You know, Randall, look, I'm here to be honest,

and that's why I told you this story.

No one's perfect, and we all make mistakes.

I just happened to make a whole hell of a lot of them.

- Hey, Karen.

I brought you this. - Thanks.

Nice jeans.

I was just telling everyone about the match.

When your dad did that sunset flip--

which was badass--

it, like, totally changed my life.

- Ugh, at the flea market?

- Ugh, yes, that part was disgusting.

It was like a cursed mall, but the show was really fun.

- Aw, that's awesome, man.

My neighbor's throwing a garage sale next week.

Maybe your dad can main event that.

[laughter] My brother was there.

He said there were, like, ten people in the audience.

There's ten people here right now.

This was the audience.

I mean, it doesn't even matter. Wrestling's all fake anyway.

[crowd gasps] - Oh!

- [gasps]

- Never use the F-word.

- Wait, so you knocked him out cold.

Ah.

Um...

we just scooped everyone in the country.

- Scooped 'em all. - Yeah, we did.

[both chuckle]

- I think that's a good idea.

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