Original subtitles

The world is not made of atoms.

It is made of stories.

Aah!

Hello, child.

You've left your camera!

Suck it, creep-o!

Creep-o.

That's a new one.

What is life but a story?

A single narrative thread in the tapestry

that binds us all.

And as with all stories,

it is not the length of the tale that resonates,

it is the quality of the content within.

I beseech you, friends, that even as we mourn,

let us celebrate as a tribute to this young man's story.

Let us seek solace that we have been granted impunity

from eternal rest.

That death would not eradicate us,

but in the pages of life we will continue forth

and we cannot die!

Uh, and now a reading from Corinthians.

Thank you for coming.

Please drive safely.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you for coming.

I wouldn't.

This world, this business,

it's not as neat and tidy as one might expect.

The coffin... It's so small.

A tragic thing, indeed.

Montgomery Dark, resident mortician,

indentured servant to the great beyond.

Dark. Really?

Mm.

It's a family name.

Oh, I'm Sam.

Sam.

My condolences.

Were you close with the child?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I saw a sign out front.

Sign?

Yeah, "Help wanted."

Are you still looking?

Yes.

Always.

Please.

Have you any experience in the mortuary arts?

No, but I'm a fast learner.

Mm, most people would find it unmanageable.

Huh. I'm not most people.

We shall see.

Please have a seat.

This is... This is one serious collection of books

you've got here.

The mere tip of the looming,

lumbering iceberg, I'm afraid...

An archive of the various ways in which clients

have found themselves passing through our hallowed halls.

So, these are all stories about how people died?

Not just how, my dear, why.

Huh. That's pretty cool.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Tell me one.

Tell you one what? A story.

Something... dark and twisted.

Something awesome.

Mm. Perhaps we should stick to business.

We have much to do.

Oh, come on, Monty. If I'm going to be working here,

I need to know what I'm getting myself into.

You are not hired yet, young lady.

Right because you have a stack of applications

to go through.

Something dark, twisted, and "awesome," eh?

Well, see how this one grabs you.

Uh, someone's in here.

Hoping you're not trying to hide from me.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Okay.

Meet me on the veranda in 10?

Look, I've just got to say that talking with you back there,

I felt this connection, and I feel like you felt it, too.

A-Am I being crazy?

I'm being crazy. I'll see you on the veranda.

Ahh.

Okay.

Okay.

Ahh!

Damn it.

Aaaah!

Can somebody help me?

Help me, please!

Aaaaah!

It's not bad.

I was expecting something a bit more substantial.

Maybe an ironic comeuppance or a big twist, but...

it was fun.

Fun?

Well, I have more stories.

Many, many more.

I was... just warming up.

Here.

Sign here, initial here and here.

It's a bit far-fetched, don't you think,

an octopus in a medicine cabinet?

It was not an octopus.

And.

It is not the validity of the story

that concerns me, but the message within.

And the message is...

don't stick you nose where it doesn't belong?

In a most basic sense, yes.

But on a deeper level,

it is about the universal balance of all things.

Universal balance?

There we are... Nice and neat.

Shall we begin?

The foyer, French for where the fire is kept.

Oh, who are these ghouls?

Ghouls?

These are morticians, my dear,

some of whom were called to serve in this very house.

A distinguished group, to be sure.

Yeah, distinguished.

Come. There's much to see.

Of course, you've already seen the viewing parlor.

Very elementary.

The mourning sit here

and up here resides the rhapsodist.

How old are you?

Ironic, is it not, that one so old would preside

over the passing of one so young.

So, what is the story here?

I would rather not.

Some tales even I find too unsettling to recount.

Tell me another one, then.

You say you have better stories.

I want to hear them.

You've heard the phrase, "better safe than sorry,"

I presume?

Well, this young man had to learn it the hard way.

Karl Marx said that social progress can be measured

by the social position of the female sex.

Now, ladies, as a straight, white male,

I'm going to be the first to admit the tides are turning.

The patriarchy is falling, and in its place

is a brave, new world of equality and sexual freedom.

A world where both men and women are entitled to have sex

whenever and with whoever they please

as long as they do so safely and with the proper protection.

Just... like... that.

You're empowered.

Please, have some condoms.

Guys, listen... We are having a party tonight

at the Sig Delt house. You should stop by.

Okay?

So... is that true about the patriarchy?

No, idiot. Patriarchy is solid.

Karl Marx said that...

You don't even know who Karl Marx is.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Yes, I do.

Jakey, can you please tell me what we're doing here?

We are providing an important service to the incoming freshmen

who are young, impressionable, and vulnerable.

Guys, it is our job to help them make informed decisions.

And that decision is to have sex

with you hopeless jerks at the party tonight.

A-And what, the girls who take the condoms

are the ones who want to party.

Oh!

And party means sex.

Anyone want condoms?!

Condoms suck.

Uh, hey! Miss!

Hey, excuse me, Miss!

Oh, Miss. Hey! Can I...

Hey, I was just wondering

if I can offer you a, uh, prophylactic?

I'm sorry?

Um, uh, it's slang for a condom.

We're giving them away to show how the patriarchy is dying.

You know, it's almost dead.

I mean, we're white guys and...

Do you know who Karl Marx is

'cause he would want you to have one?

Uh, thanks.

No problem.

Uh, just one 'cause we've got plenty,

and they're all free. Hey, buddy.

Hi. Hi.

So, um, the girls lacrosse team just showed up at the booth,

and, um... we're out of bananas.

Wha... Like, the lacrosse team?

The girls lacrosse team.

That's like the fastest sport on two feet.

You got this?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do my best.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, yeah, we don't have a girls lacrosse team.

I'm Jake. Uh, Sandra.

You don't look like a freshman.

No. It's 'cause I'm not.

I just come to these things to get laid.

Oh, me too.

What? I w...

I was... I-I'm joking.

I-I'm working at the stay safe booth over there.

I-I'm just trying to give back.

I don't know. I'm just doing my part.

I like that.

Hey, uh, Jake!

Could I just borrow you for one second?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

I got to go, but, um, yeah.

It was a... It was a pleasure meeting you, Sandra.

You know, um... there's a party tonight

at the Sig Delt house.

We're throwing it.

Uh, it's probably going to be fun, so you should come.

Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe?

Yeah, maybe is, uh... Maybe's great.

Okay, well, uh, maybe I'll see you there.

Uh, hang on!

Yep!

Yeah!

Did you want some liquid courage?

Hmm? No.

Okay. Uh, bottoms up!

Something wrong? You've kind of been acting a little weird

ever since this morning?

No, I'm fine. I'm just, uh... yeah, I'm just laying low.

Oh, yeah, that's cool.

I'm laying low, too.

You know, just laying real low 'cause I'm cool.

We're cool.

Oh, is that girl coming?

What?

The girl from this morning.

I don't know, maybe.

Cool. Maybe, who cares? Whatever. You know.

Whoa! Hey, what is that?

No! No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Oh, you dog!

What? Jenny Si...

Jenny Simon, the head of the history department?!

Yeah, I had to brush up on the cultural relevance

of Mesopotamia in the 21st century.

How do you do it?

I mean, you look good. That's a given.

There's something else. It's...

Carter, girls aren't some complex puzzle

that need to be solved.

They're the same as you and me.

They want the same things.

They... They want sex and... And a companion.

I mean, like everybody,

they just... want to feel like they're worth it.

Look, if you can give a girl that,

even if it's just for one night...

you can have any girl that you want.

Look alive, Sig Delts!

I am a robot, and this is my fuel.

Aah! Let's do it!

Hey, haven't you heard about all of those missing guys?

What guys are you talking about?

Yeah, there's fliers all over campus.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, those guys, that's terribly sad.

It's heartbreaking.

Aren't you worried about your safety?

I mean, you barely know me.

I could be... a serial killer.

Are you?

I have something for you.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Oh, great. That's...

Yeah, you know, uh, I don't need one of these, right?

Yeah but I want to be empowered.

Yeah.

Absolutely. Empowered.

Just placing it over and...

Okay.

Turn over.

What? Turn over!

Hey, good morning!

How did it go last night?

As expected.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, so, that's like, number 67, right?

It's really weird that you know that.

Hey, uh, did you... did you forget to wear a condom?

You know, maybe, uh, maybe she had

poison ivy or something.

It's probably just from friction.

Mm, well, either way,

you probably should get that checked out.

Uh, it's fine.

Okay. Okay.

You know better than me.

Yes I do. Yeah, you do.

Okay. I'll see you later 'cause I got some things to do.

Son of a bitch.

So, you got a case of the cooties, did ya?

Um, c-come here.

You know, I think it's one of...

Mm. You think it's this one? Yeah.

Well, if it's this one...

we're gonna have to amputate.

W-What?

I'm just screwing with you, kid.

They won't let me near a scalpel and... for good reason.

No, I'm sure it's nothing

a good ol' fashioned dose of penicillin won't clear up.

Let's just take a look at your labs here.

Okay.

Wait a second.

What's wrong?

Must be... Ah, this must be some sort of a mix up.

Just lay down on this table for me, will ya?

What do you mean a mix up?

We'll get to that in a second. Just lay down.

I wanna... Something.

Yeah, just relax.

Take a deep breath in.

Good, again.

What the hell?

What? What? What's wrong?

Wha... Wha...

Um... no, everything's... fine.

I'm just gonna... go check on something really quick.

You just stay put.

I'll be right back.

No. No. No. No.I'll be right back!

What do... What do you have to go check on?

523...

This is Telecom Industries. Can I help you?

Hello?

No!

Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Hello? Hi, Sandra?

Yeah? It's Jake. What's up?

Jake?

Yeah, from, uh... from the party last night, remember?

We, um... We hung out.

Oh, hey. What's up?

Not much. Not much at all.

I just, um... I've got the afternoon...

...off,

and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out?

Yeah, okay.

Okay. Okay, yeah. Yeah, that's great.

Um... what's your address?

No. No. No. No.

Welcome, brother.

It was our forefather, Ezekiel Durkas, who wrote...

Durkas wrote.

That a man can measure his worth by the notches on his bedpost.

Each groove represents not only a conquest for himself,

but for the brotherhood as a whole.

The honor is ours to share.

It was recently brought to my attention

that Jake of the family Matthews

has reached the sacred number 67.

No. No. No. Put it back.

A holy number which represents the 67 founders

of our great fraternity

and is honored with the 67 cherry trees

spread across this great land.

67 cherries for Sig Delt and 67 cherries for Brother Matthew.

You got to sit down. I don't want to sit!

It's tradition! Come on.

You, sir, are bronze.

Come on. Give me your keys.

I am so proud of you, man.

Brother Matthews, as is your right,

you may now hang your name on the sacred mantel.

Great. Thank you, Todd.

No. No. No.

No. No. No. No.

We're gonna need more.

Aah!

Keys. Give me the keys.

Hey! Can I help you?

Uh, I-I'm looking for Sandra.

Sandra Patricia Marie, get downstairs now!

Oh, God!

God! God! God!

Oh! Oh, God!

Okay. It's perfectly natural.

Natural?

Are you kidding me?

In what world is this natural?!

You!

What did you do to me?!

What did I do to you?

I thought you wore protection.

Um... I...

I-I did... I didn't.

I'm sorry.

You got... You got to understand.

I-I used to be fat.

Like, I was like, really, really fat.

Like, kids would pick on me.

They... They'd throw stuff at me, okay?

Girls... Girls like you wouldn't even look at me...

until the day that I made a decision

that I was going to change myself.

And then things got better.

Okay, they got better, and I got worse.

Look at me. I'm hideous.

I'm a monster.

And I'm fat again!

Sandra where are you going?

Where are you...

Hey. Looks like I'm free after all.

It's nearly there. Big breath.

I got a question for you.

How is this going to work? Where is it going to come out?

Uh, well, uh...

It's going to come out the same it got in.

You got a blanket?

That was a story.

Ah, you mean it? Absolutely.

There was romance, suspense,

horror, social commentary.

I mean it was...

It was everything a story should be and more.

Now you're being glib aren't you?

Only a little.

Wait here.

Don't touch anything.

Impressive, isn't it?

Be careful.

I wouldn't want you to take a tumble.

Shall we continue?

This house was built with all the modern conveniences...

...of 1825.

Coming?

The embalming room.

This is where the sausage is made, so to speak.

Hm.

Every corpse tells a story.

It is our task to listen to uncover the clues

and extract the truth.

Looks like you're extracting a little more than just truth.

Care to give this one a try?

Wow, she looks... perfect.

Look closer. The devil is in the detail.

Here. See this mark?

Ugh.

The bed sore... very unusual in one so young.

And if we examine the upper palate,

we will find traces of magnesium,

an essential element used to treat patients

in perpetual catatonic states.

Oh, and she was married.

Indeed.

Is there an inscription?

"Till death do us part."

Oh, how... predictable.

"Till death do us part."

But what if even death provides no reprieve?

Do you, Carol Peters, take Wendell Owens

to be your husband to have and to hold

in sickness and in health, till do you part?

I do.

And do you, Wendell Owens,

take Carol Peters to be your wife

to have and to hold in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

Aaah!

Hey. Hey.

Yes?

Hi. Uh, can you buzz me in? I forgot my keys.

Sorry, what? Huh?

C-Can you... Can you buzz me into the building?

Thank you.

Hey, old timer.

Hey, Miss Avery, how are you?

Look at all that food. Special occasion?

Yeah, something like that.

I'll get that for you. I love a good meal.

My girlfriends and I went on this

all-inclusive cruise last spring. Uh-huh?

Have you ever been on one of those all-inclusive cruises?

No, I... I take care of Carol.

Oh, you got to go.

All the food you can eat, and it's all free.

That's the all-inclusive part.

When Arthur was alive, we never went anywhere,

but now that he's gone, I am seeing the world.

That does sound nice. Are you coming?

Uh, no, I don't like elevators, especially this one.

I'm going to take the stairs.

12 stories at your age?

How old do you think I am?

I get it. Got to stay in shape.

I'm going to Cancun this Christmas.

Uh-huh. They have nude beaches.

Neat.

Yeah. Tell Carol I said...

It's spring time in Raven's End, and love is in the air.

Stay tuned for the local forecast

where things are going to get... foggy.

It's summer. The locals are wondering

if they will ever see the sun.

Bundle up, Raven's End. Fall is in the air.

What was that?

Carol?

It's fine.

So, you, uh, ever thing about taking some of these walls out?

Giving yourself more of a open floor plan?

How's she doing?

Uh, she's... She's doing well.

She's... well?

How can that be?

Yeah, I know. It's hard to believe.

But you know her... She's a fighter.

Her vitals are solid.

I'd keep an eye on her bed sores...

Sorry. Uh, she's improving?

No, that's not what I said.

She's... stabilized.

So how much time does she have? What are we talking?

Uh, it's... It's kind of tough to say.

Um, at this rate...

another year, possibly more.

A year?

Yeah.

Possibly more.

How am I supposed to make this work?

Al we have is... is bills and bed pans

and vacant, empty stares.

I just can't do this anymore.

I might have something that could help.

It's a pain medication, but it's... it's very strong.

If Carol were to take more than two of these

in a 24-hour period, the results could be disastrous.

Great. I will add it to the rest.

You understand what I'm telling you, Wendell?

What?

Those pills right there... they don't leave a trace,

so it would be impossible for someone

to determine if she took too much.

She would just drift off to sleep, not wake up.

Oh. Yeah, "oh."

You look really nice tonight.

Mm.

I got something for you.

It's a surprise.

Here. I'll open it for you.

That is an Arctic hare.

It's pretty creepy, right?

Sorry.

I know they used to cheer you up.

Carol I need you to... do something for me.

'Cause I can't do this alone anymore.

Can you give me a sign that you are there?

Please?

Do it right now.

Right now.

Now!

I'm sorry.

Here we go.

That's it. You're all done. You're all done.

Carol?

No! Oh, no!

Carol come on!

Get it up! Come on!

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Honey?

Aah!

Kubler residence.

She fell on an Arctic hare, and, um, there's a lot of blood

and, uh, I don't know what to do.

An Arctic hare? What are you talking about?

I gave her the pills, alright?!

And then she moved.

And she grabbed my arm, and I turned her over.

She moved? Yes, she moved!

Okay?! Now she's dead.

She's really, really dead, and I don't know what to do!

What do I do?!

Help!

You got to get that body out of your apartment.

Toss it in the ocean and pray the sharks do the rest.

What? Just do it! Don't call back.

Ugh.

Aah!

Hey, buddy, hold the elevator for me.

- Thank you a million. - Yeah.

Hey, I said, hold it!

We don't want to wait 20 minutes for the next one!

Hold the elevator! I'm sorry.

Aah!

Aah!

Wendell?

Wendell, is that you?

Hey, Mrs Avery.

Well, is the elevator stuck?

Looks that way, huh?

Um... I wouldn't worry about it, though.

Well, I never heard it make that sound before.

Maybe I'd better call the police. No!

Uh, listen, I'm sure she'll come back to life any second now.

I'm fine.

All the same, I'm calling the police

just in case.

No, Mrs Avery. No, you don't need to do that.

Mrs Avery!

Aah!

Aah!

I wish I'd never...

Aah!

Carol?

Carol?

In sickness and in health, TILL DEATH DO US PART.WOMAN: Sir?

Sir? In sickness and in health, till death do us part.

In sickness and in health, till death do us part.

I kind of hated that story.

Oh.

I mean, he did what anyone would do in his situation,

yet he was punished for it.

We must each fulfill our destiny, young lady.

Who are we to question fate?

Yeah, and what was Wendell's fate?

He went mad.

He was committed to the local asylum.

Kirksdale? Do you know it?

Everyone knows Kirksdale.

A vile and tragic place.

What wood is this?

Oh, you'd be surprised what we find in people's colons.

Oh.

Ready for the best part?

Yeah.

When the house was built at the turn of the century,

there was no electricity.

We had to think of creative ways to keep the bodies cold.

Hence, the sub basement.

Give me a hand, will you?

Gently.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but all of your stories... are a little predictable.

Predictable?

Someone commits a sin, they pay a horrible price.

Rinse, repeat.

The form may be familiar, but the message is timeless.

No evil deed goes unpunished.

You don't really believe that, do you?

Completely.

You're going to love this next part.

This is the heart of the house.

This poor soul's journey has come to an end.

In dust we started, to dust we return.

Wait!

I lied.

I'm not here for the job.

I'm here for him.

You said no evil deed goes unpunished...

but you're wrong.

In real life, bad guys win all the time.

Logan is proof.

It's all my fault.

Please, can I see him one last time?

I want to tell you his story.

And with the handsome knight by her side,

the princess knew that she would be safe...

...forever and ever.

I wish I had a knight like that to keep me safe.

You don't need a handsome knight, you got me, you twerp.

Now go to sleep or your parents are going to kill me.

Aw.

Denver residence.

- Hey, sexy. - Hey, Bart.

Want me to grab some drinks on my way over?

What part of "no guests allowed" are you still grappling with?

So, now I'm a guest, huh?

Well, no pervs allowed, either.

I'm not a perv.

I'm just worried about you, is all...

Home alone with that psycho on the loose.

Plus, I haven't seen you in a week.

I'm dying over here.

Well, put an ice pack on it because you're not coming over.

Okay, I get it.

Have fun babysitting.

Aah!

Mind if I join you?

Bart, you creep!

Well, I didn't see that one coming.

Hi, Sam.

It looks like we're going to be

a little later than we expected.

Might be a good idea to check in on Logan

every one in a while

to make sure he's actually sleeping

and not playing in his closet again.

Or the hamper. This is Dr. Kubler.

Honey. Honey, shh, shh.

If you get hungry, help yourself to anything you like.

Call me if you have any questions.

Bye.

Power outages have been reported throughout

the Boggy Bay area.

What did you want to show me?

Oh, you know. Just the seven wonders of the world.

Why don't we start with Mount Rushmore.

I actually don't think Mount Rushmore's one of the s...

Ohh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming

for an Action 4 News special report.

The Kirksdale Mental Asylum, or KMA,

home to some of the most dangerous criminals

in this country was thrown into chaos earlier today

when a power surge fried the building's security system,

and a bloody riot broke out.

Uh, we can't confirm at the moment

whether or not any of the inmates

actually managed to escape the perimeter of the property.

But out of an abundance of caution,

we're asking residents keep your doors locked tonight

and keep an eye out for crazies.

Yep.

Stay tuned to Action 4 News

for the latest updates on this story as it develops.

We now return you

to your regularly scheduled programming.

So, what'd you think of, uh, Stonehenge?

Smaller than I imagined. Hey, what?

Got a killer on our hands, so I'm gonna make this quick.

"Caucasian, 36 years old, stands about 6'10", chained.

A dozen teenagers turned up dead.

All the victims have been young,

and all the victims have been female

and all the victims have been babysitters.

He has no fear, no remorse.

He will stop at nothing to get what he wants.

And what he wants, mind you... is blood.

Aah!

Can you help me?

Do you know where you are?

This isn't my house.

I'm going to be in trouble.

You're bleeding really badly.

I know.

Let me help you. No.

Don't. Wait. Wait.

Wait.

Wait!

What are you doing?

I'm... I'm trying to help you.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Why the hell aren't you answering the phone?!

Listen there was a riot over at the asylum,

and a psychopath escaped. It's the same one responsible

for all those kids that were mutilated and...

Ugh. Lock the doors and stay with Logan

until we get home.

Oh, my God!

Sam?! Hello?! Sam?!

Aah!

Aah!

Where's the boy?!

- Logan?! - Sam?!

Where... is he?!

Where's the boy?!

Wait.

You're not a killer.

You're right.

I'm not!

This is over.

You're right.

Aah!

- What was that? - I'm going around the back.

Harold, wait.

Aah!

Is it over?

It's over.

It's over.

This is for ruining my dinner.

Aah!

The window's broken. Stay behind me.

Oh, my God!

Who is that?

Sam? It's the babysitter.

Logan!

We interrupt your program

for another Action 4 News special report.

Police have confirmed that the missing patient

is Charlotte Gibbons.

Known locally as the Boggy Bay Tooth Fairy,

Gibbons was convicted on 12 counts of murder and 10...

Debra?!

I can't find Logan anywhere!

I've done his room!

Ohh, I see what you did there.

Burying the lead to throw me off... very clever.

But I'm still confused.

Why come back?

You have your collection...

...and I have mine.

You're not going to tell anyone my story, are you?

Oh, of course not, my dear.

I'm sorry.

In real life, the bad guy wins.

Oh, bravo!

Bravo, my dear.

But you committed one fatal storytelling sin.

You have underestimated your audience.

The job is yours.

There's no use running.

You're only making this harder on yourself.

Getting to know the place?

What is this?

I believe it's a library.

You know what I mean.

You know, I was once just like you,

a traveler from the outer regions of experience

unbounded by the laws of nature, or so I thought.

Then I found my way to his house,

this... assignment.

And everything changed.

Throughout history, it has been the role of the storyteller

to remind us that each and every action creates a ripple,

each and every story has repercussions.

And you would be surprised how many stories

in this library... are yours.

I told you... No-one escapes fate.

I don't care what you say, old man.

I'm the master of my own fate.

I say how my story ends.

Ends?!

Oh, my dear girl.

Your story is just beginning!

Aaaah!

Aaaaaah!

I'd better get going.

So soon?

I was just about to make dinner.