Original subtitles

hey Kenny Kenny we're going to his house

to watch TV okay honey

what are you two up to nothing just

hanging out we'll just make sure you

hang out with the door open nothing

actually hangs out this is so cool

I can't believe we're jacking your mom's

car Kenny you have to sit in the back

why because I don't have my license

anyone sees me driving they have to

think I'm my mom oh they will it's

actually kind of scary how ladylike you

look don't worry as soon as we get close

to the girls house all lose the wig I

can't wait until Diane and her friend

see me driving with any luck I'll be

driving up a virgin driving home a well

oiled sex machine or a virgin who stole

his mom's car and got thrown in jail and

then became a well oiled sex machine

I can't believe we got all the way to

Diane's house and you forgot to take off

your mom's blouse well at least the

girls know who I am now I'd rather they

not know who I am to be the guy who

wears his mom's clothes hey you want to

come over I just got the new Kelly

Clarkson CD you're so gay sometimes he

was just kidding right he doesn't know

does he

Kenny you know what not popular because

you're weird and puberty is no that's

why you're not popular my problem is

that not enough people really know me

but that's about to change

second a great plan to raise my profile

you're not thinking about that bomb

thing again are you that was a bad joke

taken out of context and I think the

school therapist and I covered

everything

anyway I'm auditioning for the school

play have you ever heard of Annie Get

Your Gun the 1946 Tony award-winning

Broadway musical with music and lyrics

by Irving Berlin that made Ethel Merman

a legend I don't know it sounds kind of

familiar

well I'm trying out for the part of

Buffalo Bill now I'm gonna get when

everyone sees me on that stage dancing

and singing they're gonna know how cool

I am I think that's awesome

but are you sure other people will I

mean a lot of the guys in the drama

department are gay are you no and why

are you always asking me that besides

that's another reason to do it it'll

totally increase my odds of getting a

girlfriend I'll be like the only guy in

the play who isn't gay hmm maybe I

should audition you know so I could get

a girlfriend too everything about it is

appealing yeah not so feeling come on

you got to sell it

Buffalo Bill thrives on his audience now

one more time everything about it is

appealing everything the traffic will

allow nowhere can you get that happy

feeling Whitney okay take five ladies

I am freaking out I still can't believe

you're gonna be Buffalo Bill I know my

plane is going so well today and you get

your gun tomorrow and he gets your

panties off hey Kenny if I show you

something you promise not to tell anyone

if you show me yours I'll show you mine

uh yeah I guess oh my god that's

marijuana oh dude

Larry haven't you been paying attention

in health class marijuana is a gateway

drug relax it's not like I'm gonna smoke

it but I bet some of those hotties in

the drama department will want to first

they can experiment with this then they

can experiment with this oh so where did

you get it from I stole it for my

sister's drawer wicked I'm so jealous

trying not to hate all of you right now

not working

musical wow you know maybe we can visit

great aunt Sylvia at the home on the way

back so what are we going Saturday night

hey if Hillary can't go I know someone

who loves musicals just as much as I do

and would kill to go I'm sure it

wouldn't be a problem finding someone

yeah Marlys can love this Marla I'm

psyched for you guys okay I'm gonna let

you in on a little secret

I don't like Marla as much as I pretend

to she gets over here I'm breaking up

with her and it's really up to you I

support you either way hey you want to

go to the comic book store would I let

me just go tell my mom

Marla hi

hey guys oh hi Kenny hey can't we take a

rain check on the comic book store no

problem yeah you guys have fun so what

are you doing watching TV alone hey Mike

once you take Kenny upstairs and show

him that new video game yeah that's

gonna happen

I love figure skating

it's called hockey you do have other

friends up sighs Larry right of course

not really well maybe you should think

about making another friend you know

someone to hang out with when Larry's

not available you know like now David

you're right I should there you go

and maybe I'll make a bunch of new

friends I think one's a good target

Kenny hit me three times

really hard

okay didn't really hurt but it was

humiliating

he just thinks he can get away with this

cuz he thinks I'm a wuss well I showed

him I packed my bags and walk fine out

there very unsettling so can I stay here

with you guys for a while and can stay

as long as you want

right mom of course no Kenny do your

homework and your chores then you can

watch 15 minutes of TV thanks mom 15

minutes of TV it's not so bad

so which half of that 70 show do you

want to watch oh it's you please Larry

here maybe he is maybe he isn't just get

him

my dad hates me yeah so does mine but

this is different

first my dad thought I was gay now he

thinks I'm a transvestite you're lucky

my dad just doesn't like me my dad can't

even talk to me I don't know maybe I'm

just gonna tell him the truth that you

dressed up in women's clothes so no one

would recognize you when you stole your

mom's car he's gonna ground you for a

year yeah it's not like I actually have

any plans you know what I am going to

tell him

sometimes you're new I've no other

choice you just got to be honest

sometimes I wish we were more than just

friends

yeah it's always better to be honest am

I such a loser that my mom can't believe

I stole her car but she can't believe I

wear women's panties and what the hell

is a leather queen how would I know

hey what are you two doing Oh

Kenny's helping me with my costume for

Annie Get Your Gun what do you think

great I can't wait to see the pants

there are pants aren't there man not

only is this play gonna be a ton of fun

my plan is totally working yeah I know

how that girl Bonnie who paints the sets

has totally been flirting with me she is

so cute yeah she is for a girl you

laughed when I said getting in this play

would make me a chick magnet pass the

bedazzler so today's the big show huh

please don't give me a hard time about

this I've been getting enough of that

from dad no really I think it's

impressive I mean I could never do

something like that

remembering all those speeches and all

those dance steps

I'd be so afraid of screwing up in front

of the whole school

I'd be peeing in my pants look dad I

think I'm gonna throw up

why am I doing this maybe my dad was

right maybe this is stupid and what if I

do screw it all up I'm gonna look like a

total idiot Larry get it together this

is just opening night jitters you've

worked hard and you are gonna be great

no you're right thanks Jenny

no problem so maybe after the play we

can go to Hojo's and split a banana

split are you kidding I have a cast

party Bonnie and I are totally gonna

hook up the adrenaline of show night

it's like a natural aphrodisiac just

remember what they said in health class

the safest sex there's no sex at all

it's amazing

you really can't get anything online

someone's selling a gently used blow-up

doll Hey look somebody been on one of

your baseball cards already Wow

$75 that's more than this girl's getting

for a virginity but is the card really

worth that I mean we airbrush out the

fold marks the eBay Terms of Service

expressly forbid this whoa another

bidder can you believe someone's willing

to pay 90 bucks for a Reggie Jackson

card what a sucker I guess you weren't

looking out your window coz I told you

when the auction ended I chime the

bat-signal

you mean some idiot paid $200 for the

Reggie Jackson card you sold the Reggie

Jackson card well you said it was the

most valuable one yeah but Larry I gave

you that collection of cards because it

meant something to me I'm sorry you did

give me the cards I thought they were

mine and I could do what I wanted with

them gives my gift it is a gift isn't it

dad

good news I just checked anyone Reggie

Jackson card auction fine you don't have

to pay but if you don't I'm leaving

negative feedback go

hey you want to try to find more rocks

that look like famous people I can't I

have to write this stupid poem for

English about my secret desire I'm

listening

I got nothing everything I've tried

sounds like a letter to Penthouse Forum

well have tons of poems in my journal I

can give you one if you want you keep a

journal yeah you're right poems in it

yeah it's not a little you want one or

not hey mom

hey your English teacher just called

mrs. Lerner called here mm-hmm

why she wanted to talk about a certain

poem you wrote she said you got an A of

course she called the SAG on me I mean

miles who should be calling I can't

think of another reason because there is

no other reason it was because I got an

A which is what I thought all along I

got well I'm not surprised anyone who

writes a poem that original that

touching deserves an A way to go mayor

she liked it so much she submitted you

for a Golden Key Award and you're

getting one oh honey I'm so proud of you

a golden keyboard wow what is that an

annual event in Albany where the

lieutenant governor gives key shaped

pins to deserving young writers hey

honey guess what

Larry won an award for a poem I wrote

and the presentation is this Saturday in

Albany yeah aren't you gonna say

something

yeah you're taking them nobody has to

take me I don't need to go to that I

mean it's it's not a big deal not a big

deal I've always dreamed of winning a

golden key award

well Kenny if you ever write a poem as

good as Larry's maybe one day you will

yeah maybe one day I'm shocked that my

supposed best friend in the world would

take credit for something he didn't do

Shh

what space get punished want the class

look like an idiot and you could get in

trouble too

not if you say you stole it from me are

you crazy I'm not gonna say that my

parents will throw me out of the house

and I'll end up living in a refrigerator

box down by the river and my new secret

desire would be to find a half slice of

pizza in the garbage colorful story

Larry could you steal it from look my

whole life I've dreamed of two things

one is going to Albany what's the other

having sex with Jessica Simpson our

friendship or the poem what's it gonna

be

hey Kenny how you doing good so how did

it go the other day when you told your

dad the poem was really mine good one

okay he took it pretty well

really then how do you explain this

it's the article from yesterday school

paper about you and your poem which

apparently came to you in a dream

look I'm sorry Kenny

I tried but I couldn't do it and I know

this sounds lame but I didn't want to

disappoint my dad he's really proud of

me come on Larry

it's has nothing to do with your dad you

just want the glory of going to Albany

and you don't care who you step on to

get there dad get out so we would be

getting undressed if dad would just get

out of there

yeah hurry get out of there

Oh dad what Jordie put on her nightie oh

yeah what a Jody sleeps in the nude the

nude in my bed

oh don't worry as soon as Jody gets

naked you'll get your turn at the

telescope hi better

we're dead oh yeah oh hey Jeff's a fan

he thinks he's so hot just because he is

why do I always go for jerks because

you're incredibly shallow and you only

care what somebody looks like why am I

having so many guy problems is it

something that I'm doing or something

that I'm not doing I've heard rumors of

both don't you have something pathetic

you need to finish like a puzzle or

puberty come on Kenny let's go finish

our puzzle let me grab my stuff boys

boys ah boys why can't I just find one

good one well if you want my opinion I

don't I was just gonna say that maybe

they're also intimidated by your beauty

and confidence act like jerks because

they feel undeserving sit Oh you can't

worry about what other people say about

you easy for you to say everyone thinks

you're a goddess

true see the secret to life is to dance

like nobody's watching that's what

started people making fun of me in the

first place all right what the hell is

going on here what are you doing talking

to Hilary we don't talk to Hilary we

talked about Hilary that's funny

Larry because nobody talks about you

nobody Kenny I was just coming over to

see if you wanted to go miniature

golfing on Saturday they finally fixed

that retracting drawbridge on the castle

I guess our letters did not go unnoticed

sorry but I already made plans with

Hillary we're getting spray-on tans I

really appreciate how you let me go on

about all the boys I've dated no problem

I really didn't mind hearing about them

yeah that's what's so cool about you you

actually take an interest in my life

almost as much as I do

well I guess this is sort of that

awkward four moment

before what

what's wrong nothing I guess this is

just one of those awkward after moments

I don't understand do you not find me

attractive of course but Larry's my best

friend and you're I mean I think of me

more like a sister yes yes that's it

exactly thank you

I get it I totally understand good

except the Larry part why do you hang

out with him anyways he's a great guy

he's smart and funny and creative makes

all those voices and characters what's

so funny

nothing I'm just thinking about when he

used to do little Lord smelly pants

mm-hmm he was pretty funny

he still is how come you don't hang out

with him anymore

just because you're brother and sister

doesn't mean you can't also be friends

okay Kenny if you're not gonna be my

nice sensitive boyfriend frankly you can

go home now oh hey hey how's the UH

how's the campaign going great

Larry's a born winner he's got a great

platform he's an effective communicator

and he's got dimples for miles well with

any luck we're looking at the future

president and his first lady make the

right move

vote for Larry don't get rooked I'm your

knight in shining armor though don't you

guys think you're a lean little too hard

on the chest references how do you

figure well in order to be president you

need to appeal to everyone you know not

just the chest geeks you know he got

appeal to the jocks the skanks the

burnouts the skanky burnouts the jockey

skanks

you know the normal kids yeah I'm not

running for class president I'm running

for president of the Chess Club guys

how's the election going you think you

got any chance of winning

it'd be hard not to I'm running on a

post if I if you're running on a pose

what are you going through all this for

well how often do you get to work with

glitter I'll be right back I gotta go

after rainbow confetti what are you

doing I'm walking like a Night Moves on

a chessboard Kenny thought I should do

this once I win the election you know to

raise the profile the Chess Club fuss

it's fun so Larry's running unopposed

huh with so many other qualified

candidates like you for instance he

wanted to run so I let him I really

appreciate it

you know I know it must be hard sitting

back being the pawn or Larry's the king

especially since you're the one who

taught him how to play right I hadn't

thought of that before what I've seen

it's obvious you're a much better player

much better chip I have 168 of the last

74 games and three the ones I lost is on

cough syrup' anyway you know thanks uh

for sit back and let Larry get all the

glory while you uh do all the work and

come up with all the good ideas your

good friend Kenny really good hey Kenny

look I think I like the bishop walk

better maybe I should start with that

sure why don't you make all the

decisions it's all about YOU isn't it

the motel 6x6

I made these reservations my dad oh well

now we know why you canceled it the last

minute Mary and Joseph would have taken

this room so which bed is he not going

to sleep in whichever one he roll

doesn't want I mean a key role come on

this Bailey room for the three of us and

you're not gonna have any a sci-fi

buddies crash here right what's so funny

we're all any deck those are our names

backwards we're using them all weekend

oh yeah so why would he plan on calling

me Dad because dad spelled backwards is

hey uh wait you know there's only two

beds I guess two of us are gonna have to

share

so are we gonna work this daddy dad huh

well what the hell this time to get oak

Oh what are you wearing our costumes we

don't want to look stupid when we show

up at the convention don't worry we have

something for you to wear to me a little

I have to wear a costume for you can't

go dressed like that by the way

peek-a-boo I see you what's the matter

with you guys don't you know when

someone's busting your slab slab that's

balls backwards look here all the

original Zoltar from the syndicated TV

series is gonna be signing autographs

who Zoltar who Zoltar what the signal is

wrong with you all right Kennedy Nick

before I break your neck

do I not be so hard on him ear off he's

a newbie yeah I'm a newbie does not know

our ways I don't know two ways but this

is where all the fun is you go to a

restaurant any time often do you get to

have aliens serve you your lunch

apparently you've never had a burrito

with the kwik-e-mart

look here all I'm just as upset about

this as you are but try to remain calm

remember the uber created the Delano I

just shut up Kenny you are on my last

nerve dumping on me haven't you ever

kept your feelings bottled up for so

long that eventually they just this came

out not yet

Oh at least I got to say it to a month's

of course if I say it again I'll

probably kill me you think I'm a funny

lady yet I should shoot you in the funny

he had you funny fun this is hilarious

they just replaced all the curse words

with funny like no one knows what they

really mean apparently the FCC things

people can't stand to hear those words

on TV even though in real life people

use all the time well at least the FCC

doesn't threaten to knock your head off

if you ever curse at them hey I just

thought of a way to mess with my dad and

he won't know what the fun hit him

hey what's going on you guys we're

almost out of chocolate chocolate chip

really I got an idea why don't you run

out and get some but they never come

back you know what love you dad thanks

Larry that's always nice to hear I love

you too hey what's going on what are you

two doing we're just playing this really

cool computer simulation game where you

get interact with thousands of people in

a virtual world you can earn virtual

money and buy virtual property oh yeah I

heard about this game I heard it so

realistic that you guys can't get dates

there either

you know what love you get excuse me you

heard me

love you hey wait a minute you're saying

you love me but I I don't think that's

what you actually meant well you're 11

genius then aren't you

hey I know what you're doing there Brian

I told you no more cursing at me I

didn't curse Kenny did you hear any

cursing no not even hear any curse word

all right well the next time you tell me

you love me I'm gonna throw you out of

this house okay fine foot you Hey

and that goes for feet too I'm not gonna

have you talk to me like that Larry you

understand I'm your father and you're

gonna respect me what about the way you

talk to me yeah you're you're always

saying Larry you're stupid you're a geek

you're a freak show yeah well those are

terms of endearment not to me they're

not well at least I don't curse at you

all right if I am critical of you it's

out of love mm-hmm he said love

I love it that's a laugh you want me to

respect you well maybe I will when you

start respecting me me I'm disrespectful

you know don't be a [ __ ] but there yeah

you just did it again you know forget I

said anything

forget it I'm just gonna make myself a

new virtual dad one that will build me

up and encourage me and make me feel

like I'm someone special

don't worry won't really do that we

don't have enough points saved up hey

Dad what are you doing here if you're

here to complain about the smells from

her mom's cooking thank you no actually

I'm here to talk to your father but geez

Oh what the hell is that beats me but I

think it's the reason our people are so

angry

hey I've made how are you can I talk to

you for a second subtly what are you

boys doing inside on such a beautiful

day so what can I do for you my friend

you know how you

no offense Kenny none taken I've called

them words myself what are we gonna do

about it oh I'm gonna go over there and

I'm gonna have a little talk with Ahmed

the liar and I'm not gonna leave until

he's crying like a little Arabian girl

who's lost in the desert yes yeah

selfish immature man I fell in love it

don't you worry sweetie huh I'm gonna

make him sorry he ever got on that magic

carpet of his and came to the United

States in the first place

don't fence Kenny actually that one's a

little bit harder to ignore

come on there I was just telling your

friend's father that he's never allowed

to speak to me but I don't have to be

home until dinner let's go you're do

kidding let's go inside right now

but Dad that's not fair I said get

inside Colleen Ozzy yeah let's go

Laurence Andrew my middle names Alan

whatever let's go let's go hey listen I

just wanted to thank you uh for for

backing me up and support me on this

Kenny and Achmed thing hey it really

means a lot you know I appreciate it all

right

no biggie happy to do it talk to you

later

can you come out of the closet right now

Koni was that easy look nothing personal

Kenny but I want you out of my house

right now and they never want to see you

here again you understand can't believe

how leave my daddy's yours what about

mine

he's completely embarrassing please my

dad won't even let you in the house

anymore

my dad's even worse God the way he makes

fun of your voice behind your back it's

just cruel yeah well you know what you

want to talk about cruel my dad says you

dressed like a girl yeah well your dad

could be a real ass excuse me come on

you said it yourself he's got a big

stupid mouth yeah well at least my dad

doesn't go around pulling people's

bushes out of the ground so they can put

in another ugly fountain just curious

he's going with fountain flying around

does he have a shower you want to talk

about ugly where'd you get your living

room furniture bed bath and be hideous

can you forgive me

only if you forgive me okay okay

everything's all set with the girls for

tonight yeah I don't know if I'm up for

going out tonight what they're two of

the cutest girls in school you know the

ones that will actually talk to us I'm

not really into it maybe my dad was

right about you

what is that nothing nevermind no I'd

like to know okay for some reason my dad

thinks that maybe you're gay what me gay

okay keep laughing just a little bit

longer to make it believable

yeah that should be enough me I haven't

laughed at hearts and cher announced her

15th farewell tour yeah I know I told

him it was crazy

but um then how come you don't want to

go out with the girls tonight well if

you must know Steph he's not really my

type

ELISA is with those super sweet bosoms

meow if that's all it is um IKEA Stephie

and you can have ELISA really you'd do

that

yeah of course you're my best friend Wow

I'm psyched whoo I better go check and

make sure I still have some condoms left

yeah why do they only put a dozen in

each box yeah

who do you think you are the guy who

saved $20 on a bookshelf and has to

spend three hours putting it together

Larry tell me what you said about me oh

yeah uh you're gonna have to be more

specific Kenny I say a lot of things

about you

you said I was you know gay

oh well Kenny I'm I'm sorry I uh I

shouldn't have said that but uh

in my defense um I did say it behind

your back well it was a stupid thing to

say

yeah that's kind of my trademark but

like I said you know I'm sorry who is

this something else no all right so how

do you know if you're gay you know

hypothetically speaking how do you know

isn't it so long she to be up in this

conversation with anyone else you know

like a priest around an Olympic ice

skater I can't discuss this with anyone

well then what are you discussing it

with me for Kenny because you're the

only one who thinks I'm gay so how do

you know I don't know me it's kind of

like an instinct thing you know it's

like ice cream you know you either like

chocolate or vanilla you're me what

flavor do you like I don't know which

one's the gay flavor

so what are you saying you okay I guess

I'm saying I'm I'm gay

all right good for you because you know

you gotta be who you are and all that

you could be you know like in the army

not that they're gonna let you in now oh

my god I actually said it yeah I said it

nothing terrible happened in fact I feel

better no I don't feel better I feel

great all right thank you right all

right all right we're good now Kenny

we're good now so I uh I guess you want

to go uh home and tell your parents now

huh oh I don't know if I can do that

oh come on think about how good you felt

telling me now imagine how good you're

gonna feel telling somebody who actually

gives a crap about you you're right

thank you I'm gonna go tell him all

right no uh well let's assume this is

gonna be the last time you and I ever

talk about your feelings all right maybe

even the last time you and I talked

period feel

all right uh I can't it what's new I'm

gay that's great so uh did you talk to

your parents like I sensitively

suggested yeah I did so how did it feel

go on please share I felt great like the

weight of the world had been lifted off

my shoulders I've never felt better in

my entire life that's great that's great

and what did your father say when you

told them he said get out of my house

you're dead to me

your parents are kicking you out of the

house because you're gay yeah but in all

fairness I have to take some of the

blame for the way they're acting oh this

is not your fault you are who you are

and you have nothing to be ashamed of

yeah be a proud little gay boy no I'm

not ashamed you know I just meant if I

hadn't put up such a butch front maybe

they wouldn't have been so surprised

you sure had everyone fooled I'm still

just taking it in

I'm sure it'll be okay they just need to

get used to the idea they'll come around

of course they will honey of course they

will hey Jenny

what are you doing here so early

Stephanie and Elissa won't be here for

another hour don't worry you're still

getting Elissa yeah about that I'm gonna

have to pass on tonight why um come on

let's give him some privacy come on I've

been waiting four years for this what's

going on I'm gay

excuse me I'm gay uh-huh

yeah I am NOT yeah he is aren't you

gonna say anything uh um congratulations

oh okay hey oh wait just a second if

you're gay then how come I couldn't have

Alissa

oh please you could do better than her

that girl is as much a blonde as I am

and someone needs to tell miss thing she

is not an autumn wow I have a feeling

into me really good at this game

can I get down here what's going on um

you were talking and we just thought you

know if you'd like to maybe you should

just move in with us temporarily you

know if you want to if not you know you

don't have to no I do thank you thank

you get off of me

so uh Kenny you're gay huh yeah yeah I

am dude that's cool so have you um ever

been to bed with a guy no then how do

you know you're gay

I just know yeah but is that really

enough I mean I'm just saying personally

I'd watch an episode of ER before

committing to eight years of medical

school well have you ever been to bed

with the girl No then how do you know

you're straight

hey hey you know um it's interesting

because uh if I were gay and I'm not but

um it's cool that you are um I probably

would have mentioned something before

sharing the big news with your dad but

that's just me what do I know I'm sorry

it just wasn't ready I guess I kind of

figured it would screw up our friendship

well I guess that makes sense

but you don't have to worry about it

good anyway I'm done lying the people

and lying to myself starting today I'm

gonna live my life being open and honest

about everything that's great so um I

was just wondering were you ever

attracted to me absolutely not okay

completely open and honest starting

tomorrow

Hey yeah who's this a friend from school

oh no no no no I don't like the way he's

looking at you I want you out but I just

came out not you you take a walk beat it

Hey going on yeah I just threw out some

horndog that was given by me and Kenny

here the queer eyed

Oh welcome to the family

oh so great living here with you I know

finally our Star Wars versus Star Trek

debated in a slave your bedtime

yeah it's like a slumber party that

never ends alright alright if I catch

you guys having a pillow fight I'm

turning the hose on you uh Kenny you

don't have to laugh at his stupid jokes

no but it does make life easier

mr. Gope would it be okay if I had one

cookie yes Kenny you could have a cookie

look at how many times have I told you

you don't have to ask me if you could

have a cookie

you don't have to ask me if you watch TV

and you know if they ask me for you use

the bathroom

but if I just came out of it I'd wait 15

minutes if I were you ha ha ha ha Kenny

that wasn't a joke thank you for the

cookie mr. gold and the great advice you

guys are the best hey Kenny

I was surprised for you it's gonna make

you really really happy I'm already

happy yeah yeah sure you are okay what

do you think about your room in the

basement

well it's a tad musty and once an hour

the water heater in the corner sounds

like it's being violated but you know

it's not without its charm what do you

say we fix it up you know redecorate it

I think you mean decorate it and no this

family's done way too much for me

already don't be silly I am fixing up

that room for you I'm an interior

designer it'll be a fun little home

project for me just give me a hot glue

gun and some fabric and I'll make that

water heater look like something you

want to violate mrs. God that is just so

nice oh please allow me Oh Thank You

Kenny no thank you

what the hell is with all those please

and thank yous

what kind of house that he grew up in

this is not good it's taken years to

make my parents immune to my laziness

he's gonna undo all my hard work

you thinking what I'm thinking is she

thinking what I'm thinking we needed to

talk you totally just read my mind

so Kenny i anonymously posted this

really why'd you put down on the Star

Trek message boards you want to help me

ride an equally what are your response

to myself keep it down okay we're trying

to watch Queer Eye for the straight guy

you mean the show you always make fun of

me for watching

um Arun sweatpants a Hawaiian shirt and

a plastic visor could this guy be any

straighter I can't even hear him talk

over all that clashing I would love to

go on this show yeah too bad I'm already

so stylish and have such good taste

Kenny you don't have to hang out with my

dad I have a TV in my room actually you

don't I took yours and moved it down to

Kenny's room poor kid was down there

we're nothing but a water heater fine

let's go down there then Kenny no thanks

again for everything mr. gold I'll never

forget what you've done for me one day

you'll be rewarded for your kindness

whoa whoa what are you doing

we don't empty garbage man we don't know

we make it and we don't do the dishes

man okay we use them and sometimes we're

finished we put them in the hall like

it's a hotel the point is we're not nice

no yet Here I am feeling the love and

protection of this family not nice

paulie's so school Follies is next week

I know how much you're looking forward

to performing with your dad well

compared to kicking me out of the house

him not accompanying me on the zither

while I sing a Persian folk song in

Farsi isn't my biggest problem

but it would have been so awesome hey I

got a great idea

why don't you ask my dad to be in the

show with you no he wouldn't want to do

that no he wouldn't of course he would I

mean he can't play the zither but I'm

sure he'd be willing to belt out a show

tune but he's already done so much for

me that's because he's crazy about you

in fact he'd probably be insulted if you

didn't ask him well I wouldn't want to

insult him I mean he's taken me a walks

on water anyway you should definitely

ask him I guess I will thanks Larry

hey what are friends for hey mr. gold

hey Kenny Kenny what a surprise

it's bedtime hoo I'm never too busy for

my gay ward come on in I think you could

squeeze a third person in here hey mr.

Park I don't know if I mention it to you

but this is Kansas Dave I believe you

have nice to meet you Kenny you too sir

are you sure you're not too busy no I am

busy working for this company but I'm

never too busy for a kid in need what's

going on what can I do for you my boy

well next week is the school Follies and

my father was huh the father that kicked

him into the streets like he was a dog

with a tumor so is that what was he

gonna do for you a paint scenery make

popcorn sell tickets all salt tickets oh

I'll sell the hell out of tickets for

you Kenny actually is gonna perform in

the show with me oh it's just a little

song and dance number for the talent

show but if you don't want to

Tom don't be ridiculous out of course I

want oh can you anything for you

anything for you my boy okay you fool

the surprises I do my little homemade

banana nut bread not now Donna

while I was at work I threw together

some ideas for your room and I think

you're gonna be very excited it's kind

of a retro modern thing what do you

think hmm hmm gotta hoping for a WoW but

that's okay it's not the only idea I

have okay this one's more industrial you

know like one of those lofts in the

village but with extremely low ceilings

no windows pretty great huh hmm

again with the whoo come on Kenny you

could just be honest

besides I'm a professional I can tell

when someone doesn't like something how

can you tell because when people like

something they don't make a face like

they have a duty in their pants Wow

you are a pro all right I'll just take

another swing in it

hey hey so did you have a chance to ask

my dad about being in the show with you

yeah I stopped by his office you stopped

by his office I remember the last time I

stopped by surprise yes you got an a on

their geometry Clary I'm working your

turn around and get the hell out but I

gotta don't make me call security get

out yeah

so you were saying he stopped by his

office how did it go well he's kind of

in the middle of a meeting

uh-huh go on but he dropped everything

and said of course I'll do it come again

he said he'd do it

my dad said said that he would be in the

talent show with you that's fantastic

oh hey what's up Kenny ah

he didn't hear all that did you no good

I stopped listening right after the part

when you said he didn't want to do the

talent show oh you know that is you know

yeah I didn't mean that

hey man let's okay with you of course it

is I don't want you to feel trapped it's

not that big a deal really okay you are

going to love love love this new concept

it's very W Hotel huh hmm Kenny have you

ever seen one of those home makeover

shows here's how it works I show you the

designs you say my life has been

transformed and you look at me like I am

a god why is this so important to you

because honey I want to brighten up the

dark and confusing time you're going

through your pain in the ass okay I'll

come up with something else no you don't

have to no really it's okay

but you've done enough honey I wanted I

don't want you to why not I'm not gonna

be here that long

my parents are gonna change their mind

they're gonna take me back aren't they

great guys are gonna clear up for a

happy face brush off the clouds and

cheer up put a happy face

just put a happy face

kids are gonna remember our efforts good

try sweetie hey was just unplugged

look Kenny fixed it

yay family movie night is saying if you

guys hadn't taken me in off the streets

you wouldn't have been able to have

movie night yeah yeah you're the best

Kenny Kenny um if you could take a break

from that gay chat room for just a

minute I'd really like to check my email

I can check it for you right now

I didn't send you on ever since she came

out of the closet you've been a lot

[ __ ] here all right you guys get off

the computer okay you guys are gonna

melt the polar ice caps thank god you're

not on drugs I thought I was gonna have

to stage an intervention which would

have been pretty pathetic considering

I'm your only friend so wait if the pot

wasn't yours then whose was it his dad's

he left it in his jacket pocket lucky I

borrowed mom's jacket once and all I

found was an empty bottle of

antidepressants and some Twinkie

wrappers oh hey Kenny

um I need your expert advice sure it's

about your hair isn't it no why what's

wrong with my hair

oh nothing it totally works for you you

were saying okay well how do you know if

a guy is hitting on you I wish I knew so

far I'm only gay in theory what's with

all the primping I'm hanging out with

Dylan who is that your little boyfriend

not yet but fingers crossed and the

little birdies Twitter around your head

when he makes goo-goo eyes at you no dad

why do you have to embarrass Kenny like

that cuz and I like to treat him like I

would treat any of you kids this pimple

in between your eyebrows

that's him do I look okay is this shirt

too tight is it tight enough maybe I

should tension something tighter or less

tight maybe I should just forget the

whole thing

Kenny Kenny you look great yeah come on

have a little confidence all right

haven't you ever heard of gay pride I

had the best time tonight with Dylan he

spells his name with a why why because

he's cute good night good night Kenny so

uh hey you're uh you're are you reading

a comic book huh yeah yeah well uh you

know how those things come wrapped in

plastic to protect them yeah yeah well

that's always a good idea in general you

know it's good to keep things wrapped up

to protect them you know what I'm saying

please tell me this is about me leaving

the ham out on the counter oh my god are

you trying to talk to me about safe sex

yeah but uh yeah there's nothing to feel

weird about this is the most

uncomfortable moment of my entire life

okay now look I looked up some stuff

online and and it turns out that they're

safe safer and safest sex the safest sex

would be you calling up Dylan and saying

I hate you I'm moving to Russia and

don't ever contact me again okay I

understand are we done now uh

unfortunately not now listen to me when

when two guys uh you know what together

and they decide they uh huh uh how did

it come to this

how how how did I wind up in a

conversation about the intricacies of

gay sex

that makes sense yeah yeah and I really

don't think we need to talk about this

anymore

I think I got it I know you think you

got it come on that's not good enough

Kenny all right this isn't like regular

sex where there's some girl there to say

no to everything I mean your two guys

okay and let's face it I mean guys are

animals

and what happens when you get two

animals together huh huh

they attack each other all right so

before you go out there and you get

attacked you need to learn all the facts

all right now listen to me when it comes

to bondage and according to my research

it will come to bondage so were you born

in New York I don't want to have sex

with you what I'm a virgin

slow down will ya

I don't I've never been with another guy

in a house all alone before okay Kenny

just relax

hey I'm bad at being gay I think I'm

allowed to be a little upset I've never

been in this situation either okay this

is all new to me too

really trust me

all of it is new to me so you don't want

to start having crazy sex right the

second um no not really

this a great date or what so what do you

feel like doing how about a movie I

rented funny girl and All About Eve hmm

those some kind of gay yeah they do

don't they

I like Lord of the Rings I love Lord of

the Rings they have the best battle

sequences ever filmed oh my god that's

exactly what Larry said I think Viggo

Mortensen was born to play the part of

Aragorn Larry says that too oh yeah well

just Larry say that you have the most

soulful eyes he's ever seen you know

what it's just not fair

you guys have rights too you know this

is total BS that's what this is total BS

what's the Gay Straight Alliance

freaking out about now supermarket

running out of fresca boys

now there's a Sadie Hawkins dance and

that uptight school says that Dylan and

Kenny can't go together since no girls

have asked them oh wow what is simple

solution here why don't you find a

couple of big gals with short haircuts

from the girls softball team who want to

go why not just make it a foursome

shouldn't have to fool them and letting

us go besides those girls scare me

banning gays from a dance and what's

next they won't let us participate the

school musical good luck putting on

Hello Dolly without us I agree it sucks

but there's nothing we can do is is so

typical you Larry you know you complain

about everything but you never do

anything and when are you gonna stop

being such a wet noodle hey for your

information oh yes sir this is a perfect

opportunity for you to stick it to the

man

Kenny Dylan I would think used to would

be excited about that

hey you know it's true back in my day we

didn't like something we fought the

system and you got the right to vote

right

I'm referring to back when I was in high

school and the school decided that girls

could no longer wear tube tops so we

staged a walkout the entire student body

stood out front chanting no tube tops no

attendance no tube tops no attendance we

changed the world a little bit that day

let me tell you some if I was a gay teen

and I had a boyfriend I would fight for

my rights and I would win okay and I

would be at that dance awkwardly trying

to figure out who's going to lead you

know he's right this is an outrage it's

discrimination well we should protest

the school until they cancel the dance

all right so what I'm hearing is no girl

asked you yet not one and I'm starting

to think that my dance like Justin

Timberlake instructional DVD was just a

waste of money good

let's go organize our protest yeah

that's the attitude I was looking for

way to go you wet noodle you how was it

there big fella

not so great the school's still not

gonna let Dylan and I go to the dance

together it looks like a broad Larry's

dance like Justin Timberlake DVD for

nothing

she's gonna go drown my sorrows in

chocolate sorbet so what happened did

you tell my dad about social services is

he gonna let me come home um well um so

he still hates me hey hate is such an

ugly word

but yeah he hates you but on the bright

side we have more chocolate sorbet now

we're just gonna let them take Kenny

away Larry we've done everything we can

there's nothing else to do well that's

pathetic we're just gonna give up now

who's the wet noodle hey hey what's

going on I'm sneaking Kenny out of here

we're putting them in a motel until we

figure out what to do next with them

hurry up that social worker is gonna be

here any minute

Wow this is kind of exciting it's like

the end of The Sound of Music where they

sneak out of the amphitheater when no

one's looking and hide from the Nazis in

the convent Larry Larry if you start

singing I swear to god I'm gonna knock

your head right off your shoulders well

take care Kenny I'm sure you'll be back

before you know it Larry you're the best

friend I ever had come on you guys you

got to go so long farewell auf

wiedersehen

bye going somewhere not anymore

I cannot believe you were trying to

sneak this boy out of here Oh what are

you gonna do we're gonna make a federal

case about this well kidnapping does

traditionally lead to a federal case

is that right you just have all the

answers don't you huh but not the right

one on how to help us yeah and what

about what's best for the child I mean

isn't that what Child Services is kind

of about look don't you think I'd prefer

to see Kenny in a happy home or at least

here but my hands are tied

Kenny it's time to go dad Dave don't

worry about me

I'll be okay thank you for everything

hey no no no wait stop stop take me take

me instead it does seem like a fair

trade come on Kenny let's go

amen if you don't open your mouth and

words don't start coming out of there I

swear to Allah I will cut out your

tongue and serve it for dinner I am his

father

and I'm willing to let him come home

really thanks dad man stop right there

Rock oh is that mean you're willing to

let him come home huh sorry but that's

not gonna cut it

Dave stop yes please stop no no no

you're not gonna just let him come home

you can accept your son for who he is

you're gonna give him your unconditional

love and you're gonna apologize to him

for the way you treated him or how about

I go home everything's extremely

uncomfortable for everyone eventually we

start to like each other a little bit

and from there we just kind of wing it I

can live with that let's go son looks

like you're back to being the worst

father in the neighborhood

Hey ladies tough day at the glitter

factory it's not funny

we're the victims of the senior prank a

bunch of them came into the cafeteria

with super shooters filled with honey

and the next thing you know they're

covering our sticky bodies with glitter

it all happened so fast my head still

spinning oh the keep spinning can always

rent it out as a disco ball we can't

take this lying down

you're right we have to retaliate okay

I'm gonna get started on a scathing

letter to the editor of the school paper

and a thanks for nothing note to the art

teacher for not locking up the supports

that's your idea of revenge what do you

have a better idea

look not gonna lie it's uh it's gonna be

hard to beat a scathing letter but I

think I can handle it just leave it to

me and those seniors will be sorry they

ever messed with you revenge is sweet

especially when you're covered in honey

okay I've been up all night

brainstorming I yeah I think you're both

gonna be very pleased

Wow you know this is the first time I've

ever been excited about having a little

brother since they brought you home from

the hospital I realized no one would pay

attention to me ever again so what do

you got okay I have 20 ideas here all of

which are world-class okay well I don't

want anything mean-spirited okay I have

one idea it's guaranteed to work it's

simple its elegant its rats rats

hundreds of them and we release them

just as principal Fink announces ladies

and gentlemen I give you the graduating

class of 2007 cute pomp and circumstance

screaming begins pandemonium ensues yeah

I like it Kenny no I don't like it I

love it

okay one this is it it's time at the

rats out ah actually the shop didn't

have a hundred rats in retrospect we

probably should have called ahead but

don't worry we have something just as

good

crickets you guys that is so lame it's

still gonna freak people out

yeah Hey look what happened that there

were five hundred of them in there you

guys lost your crickets they have to be

somewhere

twenty dollars mother cricket so just

disappear

hey hey you guys don't find these

crickets I'm calling an exterminator for

you