Original subtitles

(gentle music)

- [Colin] Hello, you've reached the voicemail

of Colin Walcott,

please leave me a message and I'll call you back

after the tone.

- What, what's the emergency?

I'm supposed to be dropping a pad Thai off

in eight minutes.

And it stinks of farts in here.

- I need an update, Cat.

- You serious?

You got me all across town for Instagram?

Fuckin' hell, Cath.

Okay, so there's two new photos and an Insta story

about them feedin' turtles.

- So he's sticking to my itinerary.

I was the one that booked the trip to the turtle sanctuary.

Oh my God, is that my water bottle?

What a kick in the tits.

What have I done, Cat?

I'm supposed to be on the beach feeding turtles,

not cyber-stalking my ex-fiance

and his ex-receptionist on my ex-honeymoon.

- Are you forgettin' that Marcus is a complete cock rocket?

Come on, let's go.

Up.

Me and you are goin' on our honeymoon.

We'll take Dad's yacht,

we'll eat a shit ton of crisps

and we'll hit the deck like Di and Dodi.

Cathy, look at me.

You owe it to yourself, and me, but mainly to yourself.

Okay?

- Fine.

- Wicked!

Let's honeymoon!

(upbeat music)

* All night long, baby Let's honeymoon!

* It's it's all right now

- Cathy, about the wedding gifts.

I managed to return everything except for the

La Croiseaux salt pig, 'cause Bill and Jane

are in Lanzarotti.

Cathy?

- [Cathy] At least give me a clue

as to where are we going?

What direction

- All I'm gonna say is is that you wanted to be with dad

so that's what we're gonna do.

- We're gonna kill ourselves.

- No, knobhead.

Have you finished?

- Isn't there some sort of manual we can download for this?

- All right, get out the way.

Let me do it.

Here Cathy, you're in luck.

Getting things into holes is my specialty.

Did ya hear that, mum?

- What?

- I said getting things into holes is my specialty.

(woman laughing)

- Oh brilliant.

Where do you get all this stuff from?

- I don't know, it just arrives out me mouth like that.

- Here, Cathy, love do you mind

if I give Marcus' mum a ring?

I don't know what the etiquette is

when the groom dumps the bride.

- She dumped him out. - I dumped him.

- Oh.

- Anyway, no knock yourself out, Marilyn.

Mishti is not the villain of this piece.

- Oh cool.

I thought I might even get the bus down to see ya.

- Oh, nice one, Mum.

- Something to work towards anyway.

Who knows, one day I might even run a marathon.

- Oh, you can join my Mum's Nordic walking group.

- No.

- Wicked, all right, come on Cath.

Let's rock and roll.

Oh, Mum, keep an ear out for Dad's phone yeah?

Wicked.

- Bon voyage, mi amores!

Girls, you forgot the boat!

The boat!

You might need the boat!

- [Cathy] I think we might've forgotten the boat.

- Oh, you're kiddin'.

Shit.

(ducks quacking)

I hereby declare HMS Catkin open!

Let the bottle see the yacht!

Well, that's one drawback

to SodaStreaming your own champagne.

Oi, dickhead, stop lookin' at me phone.

- What a bitch.

I was gonna order the swordfish.

She better not have ordered the Bayesian macaroni pie.

She's ordered the Bayesian macaroni pie, has she no shame?

What are you doing?

- Well, it's my phone.

I could do what I want with it.

- Oh my God, you're mental. - I'm mental?

You're the one who's obsessing over

what two fanny packs are havin' for their lunch.

- Fine, you know what?

I'll just download Instagram on my phone.

- Okay!

- Oh my God!

That was a work phone. - Look.

- Shit.

- We're on our honeymoon, okay?

No emails, no updates, no exes, just you and me

havin' some quality sister time on a yacht.

- Okay, one it's a two-berth cruiser, and two,

what if we need a map or a torch

or I don't know the Headspace app?

- You better not be like this on our honeymoon.

Right, come on, shift your car from the boat drive.

- It's a slipway.

- Are you serious? How do you know all this shit?

Did they teach ya yacht lessons at your posh school.

- I didn't go to Eaton, okay,

my school was just a run of the mill,

bog-standard private school

that just so happen to have a rowing club.

Yes, I learnt it at my posh school.

- Right, well, I'm gonna get changed.

You go and shift your car.

- Okay, well I hope you bought appropriate boat wear.

- Oh, I've got the perfect yacht frock.

(upbeat music)

(crows cawing) (wind whooshing)

- Hello, Colin.

We haven't spoken for a while, which is mostly your fault

but I'm not gonna get into that.

Anyway.

The long and the short of it is, I hate you.

I hate you so much.

And it's horrible.

And then today I finally ran out of distractions.

And I was sitting on the sofa and I had an epiphany.

I realized I hate the hate more than I hate you.

So that's why I'm here

because there's really only one way out.

I forgive you Colin Walcott!

- [Garbage Collector] That's okay!

- [Tess] Prat.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- [Kelly] Oh, good day.

It's Kelly from Kendrick Estate Agents.

Am I talking to Cat Walcott?

- No, I'm her mum.

I'm Marilyn.

- [Kelly] Okay, sorry, had a bit of a big one last night.

We flogged a school football pitch to a casino

and I am sweatin' sambuca.

Anyway, I'm calling about the completion arrangements

for the Stokes Hill Property.

I believe Cathy left the keys with her sister.

- Yes, we've got them.

- [Kelly] Top banana.

Can I meet you at the property at 11?

I would pop over to yours,

but I've just done one

of those online blood alcohol calculators

and I can't drive till seven.

Is that a sausage roll?

Oh yes!

Mate, oi, Marilyn, you still there?

- Yeah.

- [Kelly] Great, all right.

I'll see you at 11, darlin'.

Tata.

(peaceful music)

* Took my love, took it down

* Climbed a mountain and I turned around *

* And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills *

* 'Til the landslide brought me down *

* Oh mirror in the sky

* What is love

(upbeat music)

- Right, you ready?

Right, where's this from, okay?

I'm the king of the world!

- Thingy in what's it?

God, I love that film!

- That is so freaking freaky.

I love that film too.

We could be the same person.

- Yeah, okay, can you move so I can see the canal?

- Yep, sorry. - Thank you.

(Cat groans)

- [Cat] Here, do you get dolphins in the canals?

(birds chirping)

- You're Marilyn, right?

I'm gonna need a moment.

Citymapper said it was a 20 minute walk here.

I mean, that's a load of bull crap right there.

I'm sorry, okay.

All right.

Have you got the keys?

Brilliant, thanks.

- Do you want me to do anythin' else

while I'm out and about?

- Yeah, yeah, you can take the post.

There we go.

Now, we've got all the bank account details, yeah,

for the payment.

- Yes, I believe it's going to the solicitors.

Colin, my other half, the owner, he didn't leave a will

so it's all got a bit complicated.

- Look, I don't wanna be a sticky beak,

but you know the other one, Tess.

Is she the wife?

- Yeah, I was his lover.

- Yes.

Yes.

That is beautiful.

Well, I guess I'll ring you when we've officially completed.

Parksy, mate, I was right.

She's the lover (laughs).

Yeah, you owe me a pint.

Told ya so. Yeah, I can do Queens Head in 20 minutes.

Hair of the dog, mate, yeah.

* Baby you light up my light like *

- [Cath] I hate not knowing where we're going.

- [Cat] It's a surprise.

Oh my God.

There's a guy in the bush starin' at me.

- He's just fishing.

- No he's not, he's got his cock out.

- No he doesn't have his cock out, Cat.

Oh my God, he does have-

Pervert!

- Oi, don't think much of your bait, mate.

Eh, did you just hear that?

I said I don't think much of bait, mate.

Yeah, pull over, I need a piss.

- What happened with you and that waiter the other night?

Like, what base did you get to?

- How many bases are there?

- Four.

- We got to like seventh.

- What, how do you even do that?

- I've got a very high pain threshold.

- No, no, I mean, no, how are you so successful with boys?

I mean, I mean, men.

I'm useless.

- Bollocks, us Walcotts are hot pieces of ass.

If we was at Nando's, we'd be the chili triple sign.

- No, I'm lemon and herb all the way.

I'm terrible flirt and not in a sort of,

she's a terrible flirt, kind of a way more in a sort of,

did she just mention ringworm kind of a flirt?

Oh my God, I love the song.

- Oh tune, tune.

* Baby can't ya see

* I'm callin'

* A guy like you should wear a warnin' *

* It's dangerous

* I'm fallin'

(bus whooshing) (people chattering)

Oh my God, look at those cows.

- Where?

- Their balls are massive!

- I think you mean their udders.

- No, they're not, they're balls.

- No, they're udders.

- Moo!

Oh shit, we're here.

We're here.

Cathy pull over, this is the place.

Look, look, it's the pub from Dad's photo.

I thought that if he can't come to us,

we'll go to him, or at least his favorite place.

- God, I don't know what to say.

- You are welcome.

* Fill my cup, put some liquor in it *

- Marilyn.

- Tess.

Oh my God.

What are you doing here?

Listen, that something really-

- I forgive you Marilyn, I forgive you.

I forgive you.

- Okay.

There's just-

- Sorry, if I can just finish.

I can't walk around with this much hate

because I'm not a horrible person.

So to reiterate my opening sentiment, I forgive you.

- Great.

Listen, I don't want to be rude,

but can we come back to this?

Because I think you should see this letter.

I think I need to put the kettle on.

Come on Tess.

- Yes, I can hold.

So they can't discuss anything over the phone,

but they say, if we can go over there with some ID,

they can talk us through Colin's will.

- Who are you talking about, we?

- Well, I'm not doing this alone.

- Okay.

- That's impressive.

I didn't know Cat was grade eight saxophone.

- Oh, she's not.

That's your Catherine Walcott, but it's nice to imagine.

We got that when we gutted your house.

- Yes, sorry.

Terrific, yes.

Great, we'll come straight over.

Let's go, now.

(upbeat music)

- If you're so shit at flirtin',

how did bag Marcus?

- We met on a unisex netball team.

- How can a sentence that contains sex and balls

be so unerotic.

- Well, ball isn't really an erotic word, is it?

- Balls, ball sack.

What are you talkin' about?

That's my go to word when I'm talking dirty.

- Really, ball sack?

- Yeah, men don't want friggin' Mills & Boon, Cathy.

They're filthy bastards.

- I don't know any of this.

Oh, that's very funny.

I know the original, keep calm and carry on,

but that is very clever.

(upbeat music)

- Hiya, what can I get you?

- May I peruse your wine list please?

- No, two Foster Tops.

Is there any at KFC around here?

- No, no, welcome to the middle of nowhere.

Oh, but how do you feel about Bombay mix?

- Oh, now we are talking. - Oh, yes!

- Honestly, I actually don't understand people

that don't love that shit.

I've eaten half of this myself.

- Yes, please.

Though I'm never sure

whether we should call it Bombay mix or Mumbai mix

'cause obviously there are colonial undertones.

- Well, I'll just call 'em spicy maggots.

(Cathy crying)

Cathy, oh, Cathy, come on.

- [Cathy] Sorry.

- Here look, have some blue roll.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just got emotional.

I just got a wave, you know?

I am doing the right thing, aren't I, Cat?

- Oh, 100%!

You know, Marcus is a total dick

and do you know what really annoyed me about it?

How much of a slow eater he was.

- Pervert.

- What am I gonna do now?

- Cathy, the world is our oyster, right?

I've never eaten an oyster,

but the beauty of the world being an oyster

is that maybe one day I could eat an oyster.

We could eat our world.

- That's wise words.

- Are they?

- Right, makeover time.

- Oh no, no thank you.

- Oh babes, come on, live a little, live a lot!

Consider yourself Queer Eyed.

You're not even gonna recognize yourself in 30 minutes.

- Can you err on the side of natural?

- Sh, I can't contour if you're talkin'!

(toilet whooshes)

- Oh my God.

I love it.

I look like I could have my own show on ITV3.

- You know, us Walcotts have incredible bone structure.

- Yeah.

- Look up here, right here.

Just gotta subtly tease 'em out.

- Yeah, you're like a cheekbone archeologist.

- You know, when I was a kid, this is all I ever wanted.

A sister to do makeovers and dance routines with.

Now look at us.

Right, should we go and get a drink and watch the sunset?

- Yes please.

(upbeat music)

I've never felt better.

(women muttering)

- Anyone got a boat but it will go a book called Catkin?

- Yeah.

- It's floatin' down the canal.

- Shit.

- [Cathy] Oh my God.

- Oh my God, the boat, the boat, the boat, the boat.

- Oh my God, it's our boat. - Oh shit.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God, he's in.

- Oh my God.

Wow.

(dog barking)

- [Gus] Yeah mate, throw us that rope.

Nice one.

- [Cat] It's like that bit from what's that?

- [Cathy] "Pride and Prejudice"?

- [Cat] No, "Ex on the Beach".

- [Cathy] Oh my God.

- Baby boy. - Wow.

- Maybe we should go see if he's all right.

- I am so, so, so, so, so, so sorry.

I'm such an idiot.

Absolutely my bad.

- No worries, he needed a wash anyway.

- Oh, shut up.

- Can I buy you two drink as a thank you?

That's okay, isn't it Cat?

If these two gentlemen join us?

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right, I need to get changed first.

You guys stickin' around?

- Hell yes we're sticking around.

You try and stop us being sticky.

- All right.

- When I flirt, I sound like Ed Miliband.

- Who?

(cars whooshing)

- We did leave quite a few messages

on his mobile, but nevermind.

Right, that'll be 600 pounds.

Sorry about this.

It's only seems to work in the corridor for some reason.

Cindy, the bloody doodah's stopped workin' again.

- Thank you for forgivin' me.

- I just reached a point

where I thought I don't want hate to define me.

And I can't really blame you for falling in love with Colin.

It's exactly what I did.

- Well, it's very gracious of you.

- Don't you feel any resentment towards him?

- I actually feel a peace about it.

There was this woman that did my smear once.

She told me, she thought love was like a river.

No one can own a river.

You can own the bank, but not the actual water.

Colin was our beautiful swirling river

and we just had to let him flow.

- People really open up to you.

- Well, to be fair, I was really opening up to her.

- Oh, it's decided to work now.

Right, sorry about that.

If you can just insert your PIN.

Smashing, and there is your will.

It's very straightforward.

The majority of it goes to Tess, as his lawful wedded wife

and the rest of it's divided equally

between the three children.

- Sorry, what do you mean three children?

- The cheatin' bastard!

- [Catherine] So how do you two know each other?

- That's my sister, I'm Cat, she's Cathy.

We're actually both Catherines.

- I'm a Catherine!

- [Cat] Really?

- Yeah, well everyone call me Kitty.

- [Cat] Oh my God.

- Jackpot!

Hey, I don't mind telling you,

but I have got my drinking lips on tonight.

- You know Cathy, Cathy, she's another Catherine.

- Yeah.

- Three Catherines.

- The Holy Catherine-ity.

Oh, Catherine, you'll like this.

My dad, well, our dad,

he has a photograph of himself outside this pub

and so we thought that we would take a pilgrimage here today

on his yacht.

- He certainly cleared two berth (mutters).

- Wait, hold on, who's your dad?

'Cause I might know him, this is my mum's pub.

- Oh, well he died unfortunately, but Colin Walcott.

- Colin, Colin's dead?

Oh my God.

Colin's died.

God, that's, sorry, but bloody hell.

Well, 'cause he used to do our pub quizzes on Thursdays.

Oh my God, my mum's gonna be knocked for six about that.

Oh God, I think I need a drink.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell my mum about this.

To Colin.

- [Cathy And Cat] Yeah.

- Yeah.

- [Cathy And Cat] To Dad.

- Whoa.

So Kitty, about the Thursday thing with Colin, my-

- Oi, oi, saveloy sausages.

Not jizz.

Just in time, we're gonna be doing some shots.

Two more of those diddly little glasses please.

- Cool, right, Cathy, Cathy.

Just one more shot with the lads to say thank you

and then we'll find a table and we'll sit

and we'll watch the sunset.

You and me, sister sunset.

- Yeah, look, I'll join you outside.

So, a toast to ball sacks.

- [Guests] Ball sacks.

* I know he did you wrong, we can make it right *

* We're gonna let it all hang out tonight *

- Pick up, come on.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

They're not picking up.

Okay, where have they gone to, Marilyn?

Where are they staying?

What are the girls going to?

- I am ragin' here, Tess.

I am boilin' over.

I mean, it's one thing to have a wife

but quite another to take an extra lover.

- Okay, now-

- The three timing.

- [Tess] Marilyn.

- Sex pest piece of shit. - Marilyn.

Right, Marilyn. - What an idiot!

- Marilyn, focus!

Where are the girls?

- At the pub.

(upbeat music)

- There you are.

Why don't you come back inside and dance?

- Nah, I'm all right thanks.

- Oh, come on.

Come inside!

Those guys are a real top pair of spunk buckets.

Not that I'm objectifying them.

They're also really nice guys.

Boys, men, males.

- I don't feel like it, okay?

- Sorry, are you in a snot with me?

- No.

- Wait, are you jealous?

- This was supposed to be our honeymoon

and then them guys just turned up

and now I just feel like a proper gooseberry.

- Sorry about the sunset.

- Yeah, well it was all right.

- Sorry, I think I got overexcited

by the builders.

- Don't apologize.

They were fit.

- Yeah.

Well, I owe you a thank you

and not just for excavating my natural cheekbones,

but for this, for all of this.

You know, if it wasn't for you,

I would probably be married to a man I didn't love

and I would never have the confidence

to toast a man's ball sack.

I've got you to thank for everything.

- Makin' me emotional now.

- Oh my God.

Rave from the grave.

I haven't had this since my school leavers ball.

Come on!

- Isn't that when you got off with the maths teacher?

- [Cathy] It was one slow dance

to end a very intense year of maths.

* 100%, I'll make it perfect

* You got a body to die for, let me merk it *

* Now it's murder on the dance floor *

* I wanna take this further than the dance floor *

* I ain't forceful but I'm still hardcore *

* You're gonna give me everything I ask for *

* It's not a long ting, you're a boom ting *

* Maybe more than a hotel room ting *

* I'll never know if I just walk past *

* I really wanna dance so I guess I'll just ask *

* She aint no hoe

- Here, the best way to get over a horse

is to get off with two other horses

at the same time.

* My mind, body and soul * Come and dance with me

* Come and dance with me

* Come and dance with me * Come dance with me *

* I see you glance at me

* That's why I'm asking, b

* So let's party, b

* Come and dance with me

* If I'm out on my own

* Then I can look at you looking at me *

* If I'm out on a date

* Then I just shut my eyes, then I can't see *

- Hello?

* Get away from the bar

* Tell your boyfriend hold your jar *

Yeah, yeah, one second.

Cat, Cat, Cat!

Phone for you.

* I got my left eye checkin' out your scenery *

- Hello?

* No matter how I look, darlin' you look good to me *

I can't hear you, mum, you'll have to talk up.

- You've got a brother.

He's called Callum.

- Oi, Callum, what are you drinkin'?

* When you do it

* I just wanna be a part of it when you do it *

* I'll feel like a wally if I don't pursue it *

* And I can't go through it

* So let's get to it - No!

* Don't you want somebody to love *

* Don't you need somebody to love *

* Wouldn't you love somebody to love *

* You better find somebody to love *

* Love

* When the garden flowers