Original subtitles

- Right, I have bleached the loo,

I've gone over the Nest login with Mum,

I've emptied the bathroom bins,

and I have done a pee.

Oh, and you'll need to hand-wash that cup.

- Yes, I will...

Wow!

Schwing!

- Please don't schwing me, Marcus!

It's objectifying and it makes me feel old.

- Sorry.

I was just schwinging you entirely

in the spirit of empowerment and respect.

- I'm sorry.

Pre-wedding nerves.

- Right.

Ms Walcott, are you ready for your

last drinks partay as a single laday?

- Yeah.

I guess.

Right, have you got the car keys?

- Yep here you go.

- Shit balls!

- Sorry.

* Dreamer

* You know you are a dreamer

* Well can you put your hands in your head? *

(classical music)

- Ambassador, with these, um...

- They're grape,

chutney and Brie crostini.

- With these Brie, chutney and grape--

- I get it, Dawn.

- Grape crostini--

- Yes, you don't have to finish.

- Are really spoiling us!

Hats off!

Big time!

Is there anymore of this cava?

- It's champagne.

Make sure people know that, and don't drink all of it!

I want there to be some left when Marcus' parents...

Oh, speak of the devil!

Shray, Mishti!

Welcome, welcome.

- I'm sorry we're late. I had to perform

an emergency DRC, and it rather dragged on.

- I don't know what that is but,

boy, do I like the sound of it!

- It's re-plumbing a tear duct.

- Hello, I'm Dawn.

I'm Tess' sister.

It is an honor to meet you,

Dr Tandell.

- Please, call me Mr.

- Oh, don't be so modest!

- No, I'm a surgeon.

The correct title is Mr.

It's a common mistake.

- It's Mr.

- Well, I think I deserve a drink.

Get me a glass would you, darling?

- So, I'm waiting with bated breath, Mr Shray!

How did the op go?

- Well, let's just say, when he came around,

he wept tears of joy

from both eyes.

- Oh!

- Excuse me.

- You've got lipstick on your teeth.

- Hi!

- Right.

Let's get you set up.

You hungry?

Do you want to watch some telly on me phone?

Oh, no, I can't.

I'm on maid of honor duty.

I've got to be on it like a bonnet.

What's this, cheese on toast?

- Kind of, yeah.

- I'll save it for later.

- It's about sort of four inches across, two inches wide...

- Oh, no, thanks, keto diet.

- Oh, these are for milady of the bride.

- I was just picking Mr Shippen's brains about the--

- If you call me Mr Shippen again,

I'm going to put you in detention!

- Sorry!

I was just picking Sir's brains about the wall scuff.

- What you stressing about a scuff on the wall for?

It's your wedding eve!

- It's annoying!

I've tried putty rubber, a damp cloth, Vanish.

Someone told me to spit on it with vinegar.

- Have you tried a baby wipe?

- I don't use baby wipes cos of the fatbergs.

- Do you know anyone who's actually

seen a fatberg with their own eyes,

or did you just read about it in The Guardian?

Don't shoot the messenger.

Nige!

- Unbelievable!

How can he be a geography teacher and a fatberg denier?

I thought he was one of the good guys.

Bet he voted Leave!

- Leave what?

- So sorry, but do these have dairy in them?

- Oh, bollocks!

- Do you need a top-up?

- Oh, thanks.

God, this is hellish!

You're a saint, you know, waiting on these awful people.

- Oh!

I don't work here I'm a guest.

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

- No, not at all.

I don't want to be here either.

Who made you come?

- I'm the mother of the groom.

- Oh.

- You?

- I made love to Cathy's father for three glorious decades.

- And that is why you should never trust your GP.

- Sorry, ladies.

Would I be able to steal the groom for a second, please?

Thank you.

Bit of an odd one, but that scuff on the wall

is really bothering me, and I was just wondering whether

you could nip me to the DIY store, and then

I could just get it out of my mind before we go away?

- God, Cathy I...

Hi, hi, lovely to see you!

- It would just really put my mind at rest.

- Um, look. I'm on my third glass of fizz...

- Please, Marcus!

- I don't get it.

It's just a stupid scuff.

Let's just enjoy ourselves, hm?

- Yeah you're completely right.

- Okay?

- Yeah, of course.

- [Rupert] Hey save it for the wedding night!

- Shut up, Rupert!

- Oh, come here!

Like that.

- You know it's staff only back here?

- Maid of honor, access all areas.

- Yeah?

All areas?

- All areas.

Oh great job, guys.

Just to let you know that the mini cheeses on toast

were absolutely disgusting!

But, otherwise, you're nailing it.

- You,

Cat!

Do you see that girl over there, by the cellist, yeah?

That is Verity Longworth, and she's a pilot.

Verity was due to be maid of honor

until you tipped up on the scene.

- I mean, I am Cathy's sister.

- No!

Half-sister, you are only a half.

- That's still 50% more than the pilot.

- If anything goes wrong, anything

I will blame you.

- All right, cava breath!

- It's champagne!

- And if you know your history, said the geography teacher,

you'd realize that all of this is just cyclical

and there's irrefutable scientific evidence to support it,

and you can quote me on that.

- Better not be sending dick pics.

I'm messing, mate.

- Oh, yeah!

No, no, no I'm just checking in on the BA app

for our flights tomorrow after the wedding.

- Okay, cool.

Well, I can't piss about cos I'm on duty,

but I just wanted to give you your wedding present.

- Oh!

Oh, how kind!

We actually had a John Lewis wedding list, so...

Oh!

- My sister loves you and, because of

the ancient code of sisterhood, I must, on this,

your wedding eve, extendeth my love to ye.

- Two Cathys for the price of one!

I don't mind if I do!

- Don't cheapen the moment.

No, but, seriously, treat her like a princess,

or I will post to all the local forums that you sent

dick pics to your receptionist.

Have a nice night, Marcus.

- Okay.

(gasping)

- Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!

I locked it.

Did you see anything?

- No, nothing, I swear, nothing.

- Okay.

- To be honest, I was just looking for somewhere to lay low.

I feel like a spare prick at an orgy out there.

- That's one way of putting it!

- Do you fancy joining me in the party bunker?

- Maybe just the one, huh?

- Bottoms up!

Or, as Colin used to say, up your bottom!

Mm!

Oh, I love it when it goes up your nose!

- Hi!

Oh, enjoying the nuts, great!

Cheers!

Hey, hey, how much have you had to drink?

- Nothing, why who said I've been drinking?

- Huh?

No, can you drive me to a DIY store?

- There's still a free bar, babe!

Nobody leaves until the free bar ends,

then everyone leaves at once.

- You know, I am possessed by that scuff!

It's eating away at my brain!

And if I don't fix it tonight, then it'll ruin my honeymoon.

Please!

We'll be there and back in 20 minutes.

- Fine.

- Come on.

- A trolley for one tin of paint?

- You never know what you're going to get!

Oh those boxes are--

- Oh, shit keep walking.

- Well, well, well!

If it isn't Cat Wallcock!

- Never got called that at school?

- Well, in a netball tournament once,

someone called me Wallclot.

- Oi, dickhead!

I'm livestreaming you.

Who's this?

Your carer?

Oh, sorry your mad mum's carer.

- [Cat] Let's just go and get your stupid paint

and go back to the party.

- Oh, that is ridiculously good value for Dulux.

- [Tanoy] The store will be closing in ten minutes.

Could all customers please make your way to the tills?

Except for the slag in Aisle Nine who should make her way

to the jet washers, cos her fanny stinks.

- God's sake.

Got this 24/7 at school.

- Why didn't someone say something?

- Snitches get stitches.

And besides, Mum was housebound

and Dad wouldn't be seen in public with me.

Come on, let's just go.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- I'm just going to take the trolley back.

Yo Melanie, hi.

Uh, quick question, are you aware

of the TV show "Secret Millionaire"?

- Yeah why?

- Great.

Well, you see Catherine Walcott out there yeah?

Well, she has just inherited this entire empire

from a childless uncle, and she was

about to give you a cheque for £22,000.

But because of what you did back there, well

you blew it.

So, joke's on you.

- Cat Walcott is a mad fantasist who pretended

her dad was a roadie for Nickelback

rather than admit he'd done a runner.

Now, can you leave the store, please?

We're closing soon.

You want to get a takeaway tonight?

- Yeah, why not?

- Maybe Wallcock'll deliver it.

- Nobody calls my sister Wallcock,

you messy, messy bitch!

(upbeat music)

Oh, my God!

Quick!

- Shit. - Oh, my God.

- You're barred!

(laughing)

- Oh, my God, I can't believe I did that.

Oh, shit.

Do you think they got it on CCTV?

- God, yes, I hope so.

God, seriously, cheers, Cath.

You know, I've wanted to do that since I was 11.

(phone chimes)

Oh, is that my mum?

- Hot waiter.

Oh, is it a dick pic?

I really don't want to see a penis.

- Yeah, I bet you're sick of them after what Marcus did.

- How do you know about that?

Why didn't you say something?

- Why didn't you say something to me?

- I mean, he's changed.

He really is a good man.

(laughing)

- Do you think they've even noticed we're missing?

I bet that Tess is still up Shray's arse, eh?

- Am I being paranoid, but do you think she doesn't like me?

(laughing)

- Yeah, I can see why she might be a bit off with you.

You're goddamn gorgeous, you're fun

and you're your own woman.

- Not because I've been shagging her husband for years.

- Aw does it get any easier, the loss?

- No.

Just think I'm getting used to the feeling.

Everything feels a little bit

smaller and darker without him, but

better to have loved and lost and...

One in the hand is worth two up your bush...

What...

- Oh, I think you might need another drink, my love.

- Are you serious?

You got me all the way over here for that?

- Why would you wrap a plastic sheet in more plastic?

It's probably going to end up in a dolphin's lung,

do you know what I mean?

I bet Mr Shippen doesn't even believe in plastic.

- He's got enough of it injected in his face.

- Balls!

I must've picked up the wrong color.

I wanted Natural Calico, and this is bloody Mineral Mist.

- Great, wicked.

Well, just put the lid back on

and you can take it back after your honeymoon.

Cathy, we really need to get our skates on,

otherwise we're going to miss the speeches.

- Do you know what?

I'm going to have to paint the whole wall.

I'd rather have a whole blue wall

than think about that scuff on my honeymoon.

- Are you serious?

- Come on.

The quicker we get this done,

the quicker we can go back to the party.

- Okay.

What?

I'm not messing up that dress it's from Boohoo.

- Okay, so, I really just wanted to

welcome you all here to our little soiree.

And, in particular, Mr Shray Tandell

and his lovely wife Misty.

- Did she just call me Misty?

- Now, if you don't mind, I am going to

hijack the mic just for a couple of secs.

- Sex I'd like some sex.

(laughing)

- Erm, yeah.

So, as many of you know,

this past six months has been

something of a demi-annus horribilis for us.

And, erm, it is true what they say,

that you really find out who your friends are when

ca va chier dans le ventilo.

(laughing)

You'll pardon my French pronunciation.

So, really I just wanted to thank you all for being

bloody great mates.

And for all the lasagnas.

Most of which were home-made.

- Mine was.

- But I would like to thank two people in particular,

erm, Cathy and Marcus.

Ever since my ex left us,

those two have been a pair of absolute megastars.

So, I personally would like to thank

my beloved daughter Catherine

and her rock, and mine, Marcus.

So, come on up, guys, come on and be thanked.

(applauding)

Where's, where's Cathy?

Is she...?

Cathy?

Come on don't be shy.

- Cathy? - Cathy?

Anybody seen Cathy?

I'm not sure.

Well, let's have a toast.

A toast to the future Mr and Mrs Tandell.

- Doctor, he's a long way from being a Mr.

(laughing)

- To the future Doctor and Mrs Tandell, wherever she may be.

So, to love.

- [All] To love.

- Cathy, what are you doing?

- Well, this wall isn't going to match that wall now, is it?

- Cathy, stop.

Call it weird sister telepathical shit,

but is this about your wedding?

- No this is about an unfortunate scuff on the wall

and the subsequent rectification of said scuff.

- Why are you talking like Judge Rinder?

Look, let's just call it a day,

go to your party, we'll have a spring roll.

- It's not my party, is it?

It's my mum's party.

And she's only throwing it so that

she can pretend to all of her

friends that everything's bloody brilliant without Dad.

- Well, yeah, it's still a bit shit to do a runner.

- Oh, I get it.

Of course.

You just want to go back and bone that waiter.

- Why are you being a dick?

Just give me the brush.

- No.

- This is an intervention.

Just give me the brush.

- No!

- Fine.

Give me the brush.

- No it's my brush!

It's my brush!

- I want the brush, Cathy.

- No, get off it! - Give me the brush!

What is wrong with you?

Give it to me.

- Mad, mad! - Cathy!

Get away!

- Come back! - No.

- Just give me my brush. - No.

- [Cathy] Catherine Walcott, come back here now.

- No no!

- Let me in!

- [Cat] This is for your own good, Cathy.

- Grrr!

- [Cat] Go away you're mental.

What is wrong with you?

Crazy woman!

You need help!

It's me, you still at the party?

- Marcus. - Argh!

Dad, you gave me a shock.

- I'm going to ask you a question.

- No, I'm okay.

- We have an expression in surgery

As hire As,

and Bs hire Cs.

Basically, brilliant people surround themselves

with other brilliant people in order to succeed.

Whereas, those on the rung below, the Bs,

they feel threatened and so hire even worse people

to make themselves look good.

- Oh, yes, I listened to a Freakonomics podcast--

- No, there isn't an equivalent down in General Practice

because, basically, it's one guy

in a cupboard diagnosing sniffles,

whereas, up in surgery,

where it's literally a matter of life and death,

you have to have complete trust in your team.

- I'd like to think that I save the odd one.

- What I'm getting at is

truthfully, what letter is Cathy?

- A.

Definitely.

- There you go.

I guess that's where love differs from surgery.

She must really love you.

- Yeah, she does.

- Ugh, God, I need a whisky.

This cheap champagne's revolting.

Where the fuck is your mother?

(laughing)

- Catherine Walcott, you'd better have a very good excuse

for why you're not at that hotel.

- She's downstairs.

(crying)

- What's going on?

- Cat took my brush.

I just need to finish the wall.

* It's raining so hard

* Looks like it's going to rain all night *

* And this is the time

* I'd love to be holding you tight *

What are you doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm not going to let some wall ruin your honeymoon.

- Gosh, that is very good value for Dulux.

(laughing)

- Can I just ask, are you

sure you didn't see anything earlier?

You know, when I was peeing?

- Not a sausage.

Would it even matter if I did?

- I know, but

it's just I have this

weird fear of being seen naked.

I've had it since I was a teenager.

I

I shower in a bathing suit.

- But you've got a great bod!

- No, I don't but

thank you.

- I've got this thing about the outdoors.

I can barely leave the house.

God, what is wrong with us?

- Cheers For Fears!

- Oh!

I love that band.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Come to think of it, I got off with the drummer once.

- No.

- He had a massive--

- I've been looking for you for 20 minutes.

I'm off to bed come on.

- I'm going to stay here, actually.

- I beg your pardon?

- I'm going to stay here with my friend Marilyn.

She's on the same floor.

- Fine.

Don't wake me up.

- Cock.

(laughing)

- Good job well done, that.

And I didn't mess up my dress.

- Right, you go up and have a shower

and I'll clean up down here.

- Mum, can you stay in my room tonight?

- Of course I will.

Which means you can stay in my room if you like, Cat.

- Oh, no, I'm good I'm out of here.

Love you,

you knobhead.

- Love you.

- Thank you

for calling.

And for staying.

And I'm, I'm sorry about earlier.

- It's family, innit?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an extremely horny

hot waiter waiting for me in the hotel room.

- Just to the third tree and back, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Fear is not the boss of us.

Ready?

You're naked!

And I'm outdoors!

Mishti?

Mishti!

- Shit.

Shit!

Get out of bed.

Why didn't you set the alarm?

Oh, you have the first shower.

I can make do with a hooker's flannel.

Come on we haven't got time for this.

- I don't think I love Marcus.

Why didn't you say something before?

- I guess the wedding was the only thing keeping you going

and I didn't want to let you down.

- How long have you felt like this?

- A few months.

Maybe a year.

Maybe longer, if I'm brutally honest.

I'm so sorry, Mum.

- Don't be sorry.

You can't marry him if you don't love him.

I was crazy about your dad when I married him.

I mean

you know, it ended how it ended, but

I could never say I didn't love him.

- Are you sure you're not cross?

- Oh, come here.

Okay.

We'd better cancel this fucking wedding.

(laughing)

- Of course Marcus would be late for his own bloody wedding.

(phone chimes)

- Oh, God.

- Shit the bed!

- [Tanoy] The arrival of flight BA1392 from London Heathrow.

- Did you speak to her?

- No, I texted Mum.

I thought it was best to let the dust settle.

- Are you sure that you want to do this?

- Yes, Meredith.

I realized two big things last night.

You're the only one that loves me for being a B.

And also, my father's a massive C.

- I don't get it.

- It doesn't matter.

Come here.

Come on.

- Cathy.

Cathy, I've left you, like, a million messages.

- Listen, I've got to tell you something.

- He's not here.

- Who?

- Marcus.

Marcus has just text his mum saying

that he's not coming to the wedding.

- What?

You're confused, I'm the one not coming to the wedding.

- Sorry, Cath, man, but I think

you've been stood up at the altar.

- No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Me.

I stood him up at the altar.

I'm the one not coming to the wedding.

I'm standing him up!

(screaming)

* Don't you want somebody to love? *

* Don't you need somebody to love? *

* Wouldn't you love somebody to love? *

* You better find somebody to love *

* Love love

* When the garden flowers