Original subtitles

(car door closing)

- Siri, do charity shops accept dead men's pants?

- [Siri] I found this on the web.

(knocking on door and doorbell ringing)

- Bloody hell, this place is well nice.

- Oh, Cathy, thanks for this.

I just felt I needed to see his other home

before you sold it, for closure.

- Is this is a drawing room?

- Oh, no, no.

I mean, it just looks big because it's empty.

- Does you mum mind us coming over?

- She's at her sister's for the weekend.

She couldn't really face the move.

It's a lot to process, what with Dad suddenly dying

and finding out he had a secret love child.

- Yeah, and the fact that their marriage

was a lie for three decades.

- Yeah.

And that.

(upbeat music)

* Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart *

So, guys, I have been batting around the idea

of getting a memorial bench for Dad.

- Oh, like a Princess Diana fountain.

- I imagine the sort of essence of Princess Diana's

fountain but kind of distilled into a bench.

- Great, we'll chip in.

- Oh, amazing.

Well I've been researching reliably hard woods and-

- (chuckles) That's very apt for your father.

- And reclaimed oak's probably gonna be our best bet,

so that is 426 pounds for the bench

and 226 pounds for the plot, so all in all,

it's probably gonna be around and about 344 pounds each.

- Great.

- Amazing.

- Nice wheels. This yours?

- Oh yeah, Dad got me that for my 14th.

I got up to some pretty crazy shit on that bad boy,

delivering the old parish mag.

Gazine.

- I always wanted a bike like this.

Dad said he'd get me one, but instead you got it.

(laughing)

Joking.

- You know what, you have it.

- No, no.

- Seriously, it would mean the world to me

if you took the bike.

- Bloody hell, you sure?

- And if you want anything else,

then just go for your life.

- What, anything?

- Yeah, seriously, dig in, God.

You'd be doing me a V big fave.

Right, I better bust a move.

- You leaving?

- I know it sucks, but since you guys were two hours late,

it sort of ate into our us time.

And it's the first day in our new love nest.

Ew, gross, sorry, don't know why I said that.

- Oh, I'm really sensing your dad here.

Did he often lean over this counter?

- Well, I mean, he would

very occasionally lean over the sink

to open the window if the drains got eggy.

- Mm-hm, I thought so.

- God I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to this place.

I mean, I know we have to sell it, but it's just,

it's like saying goodbye to my childhood.

There are so many-

(ice rattling)

- Oh my God.

Your fridge makes snow.

- Good.

- Wow.

(upbeat music)

- [Cathy] Hello, I'm home.

Where are you, upstairs?

- The new mattress has arrived.

- Oh, I can't wait.

What's the old one still doing here?

I thought the removals guys were

supposed to take it with them.

- Were they?

- Yeah.

- Come on, try out the new bed.

Come on.

Oh (laughs).

Oh, I love memory foam.

I can actually feel my back thanking me for this.

Whew.

- Sorry, I can't relax with that looming over me.

- What are you doing? That's way too heavy.

- No, I'm okay.

I'm not a damsel in distress, Marcus.

I'm fine.

It's light, if anything.

- Okay, well, use your back properly.

- [Cathy] Yes, thank you, I can do this.

Just stop mansplaining everything to me.

- It's no problem for me to-

- Just leave it, okay, Marcus.

It's fine there.

Good.

I'm gonna make dinner.

* It's a beautiful morning

(birds chirping)

(upbeat music)

- Oh my.

(upbeat rock music)

Police?

Yeah, sorry, hi, I think we've been burgled.

My God, I mean they've literally taken everything.

(upbeat music)

Uh, sorry.

Do you know what? Scrap that.

No, sorry.

(sighing)

Cat.

(children shouting and playing)

- [Cat] What about Dad's toothbrush?

- [Marilyn] Put that on the keep pile.

I'm looking for that the way it is now.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hang on.

- Cathy, hi ya.

Mum! Mum, it's Cathy.

- [Cathy] Yeah, you forget the bike I gave you.

- Mum, help me shift this freezer, will you?

Hold on.

- Definitely keep.

I can just picture his lovely feet bubbling away in there.

- [Cathy] That was actually my mum's.

- Chuck it.

(banging)

- Yea or nay?

- Actually, sorry, do you mind if I keep that?

- Sorry, Cathy, did you want some of this stuff?

You did say help yourself to anything and everything.

- Yep, yes.

I did say that.

I just didn't realize you'd be so bloody thorough.

I actually thought we'd been burgled.

I was this close to calling the police.

I did call the police (laughs).

- I can assure you, I will treasure your dad's treasures

as though they were my own internal organs.

(water bubbling)

- [Cathy] Are you soda streaming wine?

- Yeah, we had fizzy tea earlier.

Right, a toast.

To new sisters,

new asses,

and a shitload of new old shit.

- [All] Cheers (clink glasses).

- Oh. - Ooh.

(belching)

- Excuse me.

- Swear to Ann, I am never drinking flat wine again.

- Are you sure you don't want to stay?

- Thank you, but we got the sky engineers coming.

I don't really wanna give money to the men who came by,

but Marcus want his cricket, so.

Ooh, while I remember.

We have to think of something to write on the plague.

It's only another 20 quid or so.

- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Don't it look like Argus just threw up all over the lawn?

- It's more like John Lewis.

Most of these items are which Best Buys.

- You serious?

- Also, I didn't wanna ruin the moment earlier, but

your mum is drinking box fizz

out of my old menstrual moon cup.

So, um.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Cat] Mum, don't drink the champagne.

(upbeat rock music)

* We've been together since way back when *

- Hm, it's my brother in his surgeon scrubs.

He led his first cataract today.

As of today, every man in my family

is a surgeon, apart from me.

I think my dad would really respect me for that.

- She's selling my mum's old Stair Master.

Look, on Cat's Facebook.

That's my pony saddle.

Oh my God, my moon cup.

They literally gutted the house.

I thought we'd been burgled. I called the police.

- Why did you do that?

- Because I thought we'd been burgled.

- Well why didn't you call me first?

- I should be the first person you call in a crisis.

That's my job.

- I think you're slightly overreacting.

- No, no, I'm not.

You didn't call me when you thought you'd been burgled.

You didn't call me when you got suspended from work.

- That was compassionate leave.

- You won't even let me shift that mattress.

I get it.

You're an independent, kick-ass lady,

and that's a real turn-on for me.

I am your manbassador.

But, every now and again, it would feel nice

to know that I'm needed.

- Of course I need you.

I love you.

- I love you.

Yum, your hair smells so good.

- Oh my God, she's selling my bike.

What a piece of-

- Because I think it's important to be

absolutely honest about our feelings.

- Yeah, 100%, we're family, babe.

- And I'm not gonna beat around the bush here.

I'm really gonna come out and say it.

Just about the whole sort of selling stuff on eBay thing.

And don't get me wrong, I am all for initiative.

Give a man a fish and all that.

But, um, God, it's cool and things,

but where my grievances sort of circle, I guess,

ah, I'm just really peed off about the bike.

- The truth is, Cathy,

I've been trying to raise money for Dad's bench.

- Oh, why didn't you tell me?

God, I feel awful now.

(doorbell ringing)

- [Cat] Hey, yo.

- I've come for the slow cooker.

- [Cat] Bad timing, can you just wait, mate?

- Not exactly, I'm on shift so I don't-

Don't bother advertising it then.

- Listen, Cathy, things haven't been great at Deliveroo

since they brought the driver rater system in,

and I'm still fighting to clear my name

over the missing Numbrad.

- How dare they?

- Also, um, I can't actually ride a bike.

Dad said he'd teach me, but he always had to get

back to his other home.

- That's really not cool of Dad not to give you lessons.

Riding a bike's like a rite of passage.

Like, pony club camp or rounder exams.

- Well you could teach me.

- Yeah.

I mean, I guess I could.

- Really, I'm gonna ride a bike?

Mum, did you hear that, I'm gonna ride a bike.

I'm free first thing tomorrow morning. We could do early.

- What, like, eight?

- 11:30.

(knocking on window)

God, what is this guy's problem?

- Sorry, I've got a suspected burst appendix.

Can I get that cooker?

- I don't want a strange man in the house.

It would be disrespectful to your father's ghost.

- No one told me an internet startup

would be this much bloody hard work.

- Well it's an eBay account.

- No, that's how Amazon started.

- That's not how Amazon started.

(alarm blaring)

(birds chirping)

- Hey, early worm, come back to bed.

- I'm really sorry, but I've got stuff to do.

- Come on, bit of sex music.

I'll pop to Patval for croissants.

We can christen the new mattress.

- I'm really sorry, but

I promised my sister I'd teach her how to ride a bike.

- She's 28.

- Don't.

28 years old, and she still doesn't know how to ride a bike.

My dad let her down, so I've gotta step up.

- Oh come on, my love.

- Look, I'm really sorry.

I made my sister a promise.

- Like a promise to spend the weekend

unpacking with someone.

- Like a promise not to send dick pics to someone.

- Okay, low blow.

You can't hold that against me forever.

I made a mistake. I apologized.

I've changed.

Do you know what?

You're punishing me for your dad's behavior.

Guess I'll just christen the bed on my own then.

- [Cathy] Just get rid of the mattress.

- I'm folding my online empire.

- Really? I thought you loved it.

- We've made enough money for half the memorial bench,

and a little bit of pocket money.

So I basically hit my career goal in the first week.

- Right.

I think that's about the right height.

Gonna pop the stabilizers on now.

- I'm not for stabilizers.

I'm not gonna ride dick out.

- Do you wanna pop a helmet on?

- Not interested, babe, I'm going bareback.

- Okay.

- Woo, very shaky.

- Okay.

- Okay, I'm ready.

Not a piece of piss.

No, no no no, no, no.

(doorbell ringing)

- Hello, pattycake, pattycake, baker's man,

bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Stupid user name.

It's just that pattycake, pattycake and pattycake,

pattycake, baker's man were both being taken, so I-

I'm awful at that then.

I'm here to collect the bike.

- Oh, did you sort this with my daughter?

- Yeah, Mrs. Justin Timberlake 1991?

- Hang on.

- [Recording] You've reached Cat's phone.

Leave a message after the beep.

(phone beeping)

- Cat? You need to come back with the bike urgently.

Call me when you get this.

Oh.

(phone hanging up)

She'll be 10 minutes.

She's having one last go on the bike.

So.

Can I get you a cup of tea while you're waiting?

- Wouldn't say no.

- [Marilyn] Still or sparkling?

- [Pat] Still.

(upbeat music)

- Let's see that here, man.

(upbeat music)

* Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen *

* Pour myself a cup of ambition *

* And yawn and stretch and try to come to life *

* Jump in the shower, and the blood starts pumping *

* Out on the streets, the traffic starts jumping *

* With folks like me on the job from nine to five *

(screaming)

- [Woman] Excuse me.

You couldn't help me with his chest of drawers, could you?

- Who, me?

- Yeah, I could do with a bit of brawn.

- Of course, no problem.

* Working nine to five

* What a way to make a living

* Barely getting by, it's all taking and no giving *

* They just use your mind

* And they never give you credit *

(screaming)

- Boy you make that look dead easy.

- Excuse me, fella, I couldn't borrow you for a minute,

could I, just to chuck this washing machine?

- Pleasure's all my mine.

* Working nine to five, what a way to make- *

- Lovely boat there.

- That was my late lover's pride and joy.

Apart from me and his daughters, and his wife.

He actually passed away recently.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I've been there.

I am there.

Actually lost my wife at the beginning of the year.

- Bloody hell.

How are you coping?

- Horrible.

Those first few months, just horrible.

Claudine.

Claude.

She's French. Was French.

Sorry.

- Oh, she looks incredibly sexy.

- [Pat] Yeah.

- Colin, my soulmate.

He was incredibly sexy too.

- Yeah, both bagged a couple of hotties there, didn't we?

(chuckling)

- Do you want to come in?

- Love to.

- See now I know why they say

this is as easy as riding a bike.

- Okay, stop, stop stop, stop stop stop.

Okay.

You're doing really well, right,

but remember how we talked about using the la-

the la, la, la.

- Left brake.

- Exactly, because if you use the right brake,

you're gonna go over the handlebars.

All right?

Okay, I think it's time to spread your wings.

I'll pull myself away.

- No, no, come back.

- No no no, no, you're fine,

just keep on doing like you're doing.

- No, Cathy, hold on to me.

- You're absolutely brilliant. Keep doing what you're doing.

- This is shit, seriously. This is really shit.

Missed call from me mum.

- Okay well.

- So shit.

- Right, brilliant.

Absolutely no way to treat a bike.

(soft music)

- I sent Claudine an email the other day.

We're on this Strictly mailing list,

and the tour came up on sale,

and I forwarded her the message.

She was really big into Anton du Beke.

Stupid.

- No judgment from me.

I'm buried alive in Colin's belongings.

I can't get into my downstairs bath

because it's full of his duvets.

I just love the smell of it all, you know.

Breaks my heart to think it's just gonna fade away.

- Hey.

Look at us two, eh.

Sobbing like a pair of schoolgirls.

(phone ringing)

* Somebody's knocking at the door *

* Somebody's ringing the bell

Phone's ringing.

(phone ringing)

- Mm?

- Phone, it's ringing.

- Oh.

(phone ringing)

* Let them in

It's fine. Don't hurry.

Just take your time, okay?

Don't hurry back.

No, don't come back yet.

- Can we just go and get Mr. Whippy's or something?

- Come on, back on the bike.

- No, Cathy, I can't do it.

Like I ride too bad.

- You look like Bradley Wiggins.

- Exactly.

- Come on, Cat.

Think of all the bike rides we could do together.

We could cycle to the Dordogne.

All right, if you do this, I will give you

a credit note from Uniqlo.

- All right, fine.

- Brilliant.

- All right.

- Okay, let's get her back onto the path.

- This one here?

- Excuse me, where would a Christmas tree go, please?

- Second container on the left.

But if you leave it here, I'll chuck it for you.

- Oh.

(screaming)

(television banging)

- Oi, you, move your car or I'll do you for loitering.

Show some respect, mate.

It's a recycle center, not the beach.

- All right, I was just helping this

young lady with her television.

- Don't give a monkey's mate, move your car.

- Sure.

Can't a guy give back to his community in peace around here?

- Move your car, or I'll tow it.

- All right, Officer.

- What'd you say?

- Nothing, God.

Are you okay?

- I just accidentally dropped me glasses.

You couldn't help me fish them out, could you?

- Yeah.

- I asked the man at the entrance, but he won't help.

- Allow me to be your knight in shining armor.

- Thank you. I'm ever so grateful for this.

- Really, it's totally cool.

You're lucky I'm one of the good guys.

(groaning)

- Amazing, thank you so much.

Here, can you pass me that metal pipe

while you're down there, the copper-colored one?

- What, this old thing?

- Yeah, and that one next to it.

- [Worker] Oi, I've warned you about skid tipping.

- Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

(water bubbling)

- Do you think your daughter'll be very much longer?

Karen is gonna love that bike.

- Is that your daughter?

- No, Karen's my wife.

My new wife.

- But your old wife's just died.

- It's mad, isn't it?

You just don't know when Cupid's gonna strike.

And I certainly wasn't expecting it

at me daughter's 21st birthday.

With her best friend Karen.

* I only have eyes for you

- Excuse me a minute.

- Yeah.

- Cat, pick up.

Pick up the phone. Where the hell are you?

- You could do this, Cat.

- Yeah.

- You're doing it.

I'm gonna let go, and you see how far you can go, okay?

- Yeah, okay.

- Right, go.

(upbeat music)

Oh my God, you're doing it, Cat.

You go, girl.

I'm so proud of you, Cat. Ride like the wind.

Careful.

- Move out of the way.

(crashing)

- Oh, no.

You okay?

- I'm fine.

- Oh my God. - What, I'm fine.

- Your tooth, oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

- Oh shit.

- Okay, okay, what should we do?

Think, think think think.

I'm gonna call Marcus.

I'm calling Marcus, Cat, okay.

- Uh.

(phone vibrating)

- Cathy?

Cathy?

- Oh my God, Marcus, it's horrible.

- Whoa, whoa, deep breaths, calm down.

- Cat, she's knocked her tooth out.

I mean, there is blood everywhere.

What should I do?

- Okay, how many teeth are we talking about?

- Look at the freaking long one.

- It's one, it's just one.

- Get her home, and put the tooth in milk,

and get her to a dentist.

- I ain't got to a dentist.

- What?

Why?

- I did have one, but he got struck off

for faking his qualifications.

I ain't got one.

- I'll call my dentist.

I'll sort this, Cathy, I've got this.

- Okay, thank you.

Thank you, thank you so much. I can't thank you enough.

I love you.

- I love you.

Cathy, wait wait, are you still there?

Shit!

- Did you say that you did have yogurt in your house?

- Oh, Cathy, please.

- Sorry, sorry, okay.

Lucky it didn't happen to me, because you I'm dairy

intolerant so I only have oat milk.

- Cathy, please.

- Sorry.

- Please.

What's this?

- Hi, I've come to collect the bike.

Thanks.

Here's your, uh-

- Thank you.

- Good day.

(children shouting and playing)

- Oh, it's made a right mess of her face.

- I feel horribly responsible, but Marcus has managed

to wangle an emergency appointment at the dentist, so, uh.

- Here you are, the eBay money for the memorial bench.

- What?

No, obviously, I can't take this.

Please.

Have the money for your tooth.

- Oh my God, like the tooth fairy.

- Oh.

- No, to pay for your new tooth.

- What about the bench?

- Dad would absolutely understand.

- Take this, as a thank you.

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

- Hey, babe, where do you want this box?

- Oh, just put it in the sitting room.

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

(phone pinging)

(Marcus groaning)

- [Marcus] Oh, I think I've thrown my back in.

(bird calling)

- Ta da.

What do you think?

- [Cathy] Wow, that is fresh.

- Always wanted enamels, now I've got me first.

- Hm.

- Hey, I've got you something, as a thank you.

- Is that our old swing bench?

- Yeah.

I haven't been up here since we scattered Dad's ashes.

See.

Got a plaque and everything.

- [Cathy] Think I'm gonna cry.

- Sit down.

Oh.

- Oh, God.

- Champagne.

Don't wipe it.

- Okay.

Ah.

- It's beautiful up here, isn't it?

- Where do you think he is now, Dad?

Like, where do you think he's gone to?

- What, like heaven?

Don't know.

I think when you die, you go home

and everyone's waiting for you.

Like your aunties and your uncles and your cousins

and your grandparents who you've never met

because they've all died

in like whatever plague that was.

- I used to think that when you died that that was it.

Lights out.

I've lost that certainty.

Dad's love kind of just ... evaporated.

I mean, I can still feel it.

And he's gotta be somewhere.

- Well, wherever he is,

I guarantee it's not where we think he is.

Right.

Come on, get in.

- Is that the new iPhone?

- Leftover eBay money, I thought I'd treat myself.

(camera clicking)

God, I love it.

(upbeat music)

- [Cathy] I'm not in that at all.

* There's a road I know I must go. *

* Even though I tell myself that road is closed *

* You can only see birds

* You've been away from land too long *

* Far too long