Original subtitles

(pleasant music)

- That's it, a bit more.

Bit more.

- How much room do I have?

- You got tons of room, babe, bit more.

- Tons isn't really a measurement of distance, so.

- Baby, you're doing really, really, well.

- Thank you.

- If at any point you want me to take over, just--

- No, no, no, I'm okay.

I just actually need you to be quiet for a sec.

- You gettin' this on the Insta story, Mom?

Me sister got me a yacht!

- For the love of the lord.

- And then type hashtag sister from the same mister,

and then hashtag brap brap,

with the crying laughing faces.

Three of 'em, yeah?

- How far am I from the wall?

Cat, can you tell me when to stop, please?

(glass tinkles)

Oh my god, what did I hit?

- Shit.

- I am mortified.

- You got that on Insta story, haven't you Mom?

Wicked.

* Out your name

* You know that I'm falling

* And I don't know what to say

- So the boat isn't a birthday present, per se,

it's just Mom's finding it weird having it in the driveway,

and until we find Dad's will, so.

- Oh god, Cathy, that is such a relief.

You know, 'cause I was struggling

as what I could get ya as good as a yacht.

- Oh, it's a two bed cruiser.

Don't worry, don't get me anything.

- You're my sister, of course I'm gonna get you something.

- Wow, yeah and then that's just

for the single window, right?

Mhmm, yeah.

- You know what?

Why don't you put the money that you would've spent on me,

into your icer?

- Right, so, the yacht key, here.

So we don't lose it.

So, what's the plan, party-wise?

You know, I've got a mate's, mate's, mate's, mate,

who went on one of those

ministry of sound boat party things,

and apparently a guy died.

But like, in a good way.

- Aw, Dad got you one of these too.

Does it still work?

- [Toy] It still work?

- Wish I hadn't thrown mine away.

- Oh no, I could never chuck any of these.

They're far too precious.

- I mean, they're precious to me too.

- Guess you had Dad.

I just had these teddies.

- [Toy] I just had these teddies.

(dog barks)

- Coming!

- That was a dog.

- Really, no.

Anyway, I'm up now, so.

(dog barking)

(both humming along) (classical music)

- That's the best we've ever done it.

- Oh I hate this fancy phone.

Can you do the downloading thing for me?

- Hand it over, T-bone.

Right.

Go on, hit me.

- Okay, Plenty of Fish, Tinder,

My Single Friend, Hinge,

OkCupid, Elite Singles,

Huggle, Badu,

The League, Bumble,

Christian Mingle, and Thrinder, Thrinder, Thrinder.

- What all, all of them?

- I missed the first sexual revolution

because I was living in Gilford.

I'm not missing this one, too.

- [Cathy] Can't stay long,

'cause Marcus and Mom are waiting.

- Tea, G and T, G and coffee?

- No, I've gotta skedaddle, alas.

- You remind me of Dad, always bugging off somewhere.

Ain't she always bugging off somewhere, Mom?

- I would like to stay, it's just I'm up to my eyeballs

on picking Dad's estate.

- An estate, what like with a moat?

Well, we've got half a moat.

- It's more like a probate,

just 'cause he didn't leave any paperwork.

I was actually saying to Marcus the other day,

this is funny, I said if my life was a film,

it'd be called "Bad Will Hunting."

(Cathy laughs)

Exactly.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

- Ask if I can use the lavatory.

- You can ask me yourself, love.

We shared a man for 30 years,

I think our bums can share a loo seat.

- In the kitchen, to the left, babe.

(urine tinkling)

Sounds like a freakin' water cannon.

- Why is she dressed like she works in a cattery?

- Oh, Nordic walking.

It's a classic grief distraction.

- Ah, I get it.

I will never get over your dad.

He was my sexual zenith.

- Don't go there.

- You do anything nice for your birthday, then?

- It's finished, yeah, show's over.

- Oh, no, it's gonna be too weird without Dad this year.

Don't want a fuss.

What about you, Cat?

Have you got any birthday plans?

- Yeah, Mum's got us some tickets

to Cirque du Soleil this weekend.

- You know how Colin loved Cirque du Soleil.

- Did he?

(Tess coughs)

- Come on, Cathy.

- Oh, still can't believe you were born five days apart.

You could be identical twins.

(upbeat music)

(horn honks)

- Okay guys, come on, let's plant those poles

and push that gait.

Mrs. Walcott, isn't it?

Christopher.

Christopher Shippen.

I used to teach Catherine.

- Oh, gosh yes!

I didn't recognize you at all.

- Well, I went on a bit of a health kick when I retired,

lost a third of my body weight.

Thank the Norse gods for Nordic walking.

It literally saved my life.

- Well, it's taken years off you.

- Okay, you got me.

I may have fillers, just a smidge here.

And here, here, here, here, and here.

But enough about me, oh and here.

Anyway, is this your first time Nordling?

- It is, yeah.

I often see you guys circling the park

with your bum bags, and your ski poles

and think, wow, they look cool.

So, yeah, voila.

- I like the cut of your cagool, Mrs. Walcott.

- Oh, I'm no longer Mrs. Walcott.

Just call me Tess.

- Interesting.

Wanna spot me around the bend, Tess?

- Try and stop me, please.

* Dear Cathy

* Happy birthday

* To you

I did the scrambled egg thing

that your dad used to do.

- Eggy bread.

- And, your present!

- Oh, wow.

Aw, thank you.

Is this the one I sent you the link for?

- Open your card.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh wow, Saturday night.

Don't really feel like celebrating this year.

Can we just get a takeaway

and watch "Escape to the Chateau?"

- Hey, hey, hey, you've had a really tough year

what with your dad, and your sister, and work, and your mum.

- And your dick pics.

- Okay, look.

What I did was not cool,

but that's why I want this

to be a real celebration of you turning 28.

And me being forgiven,

and us getting back to having fun, and being in love

now that you've fully forgiven me, yeah?

- What's the plan then, Marcus?

- All right, nosy Nora.

- Just hate surprises.

- Fine, I'm taking you out for dinner.

- Where?

- Mm-mm, nope.

- Marcus.

Marcus.

- No, I'm not telling you.

- Marcus!

- Malhams.

- That should be a really nice surprise.

But, no fuss, okay?

- Oh.

You do make me chuckle, Mrs. Walcott-Tandoor.

- It's Tandoor-Walcott.

(people chattering)

(Cathy belches)

- God one of those bastards lived in this building.

- Oh, shit, shit, shit.

- Oh hey, I'm looking for me sister, Catherine Walcott.

- Who shall I say is here?

- Oh, don't worry.

I've spotted her.

* Oh well the birthday girl

* Bring me the birthday girl

* I love the birthday girl

Classic Dad song.

Why you hiding?

- I'm not hiding.

- Come to give you a lift home.

- I actually don't finish work 'til five,

and I'm viewing a house with Marcus, so--

- Ah, shit!

I've lost a flamingo.

- Do you know what, I can finish this at home.

Come on.

(upbeat music)

* Oh it was late

* Last night

* I was feeling something

- Lost the dolphin.

Damn it.

* There was not another soul in sight *

* Only you

* Only you

* So we won't

- So, have you got the address for this house?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, bloody hell, Cathy.

Check you out.

That's like a proper, grownup house.

- You think? - Yeah.

- I don't like being grownup.

I mean, I guess it's good not being ID'ed, but--

- True story, I've never been ID'ed.

I've looked exactly the same since I was 11.

- It sucks getting older, doesn't it?

I used to get so excited about birthdays when I was little.

Dad always used to make me breakfast.

He'd spell out my age in eggy bread.

- Oh god, yeah.

He used to do that for us, too.

I forgot about that.

- You all right?

- Yeah, sorry.

I'm sorry.

Ah, shit.

You know, when it just sorta hits you,

like the eggy bread thing.

Just haven't thought about it.

- It's weird what gets you, isn't it?

I actually, I called Dad's answer phone the other day

just so I could hear his voice.

- I still use Dad's Amazon Prime,

to send myself presents.

Last week, I cried when I got the Sonos sound bar.

- Do you still have access to Dad's Amazon account?

- Yeah, Cath, Cath listen.

I know you wanna keep things low key,

but I've got a mate that can get us

on the guest list on Friday night at Embargo's.

10 shots for 10 pounds 10.

- Wow.

Isn't that kind of bargain illegal?

Annoyingly, I've got a work event on Friday night, so.

- Saturday?

- Balls!

Marcus has booked a dinner thing.

- Oh, yeah it's fine.

- Obviously I would way rather do something with you.

Maybe next year?

- Yeah, yeah next year.

We could do like a foam party or something.

- [Cathy] Yes, that is definitely something to mull on.

- This room's actually,

it's got a view.

You guys don't have any paracetamol, do you?

- Oh, I try and avoid painkillers.

I'm anti-big pharma, with a P-H.

I'm not anti a big pharma.

Hang on, I might have some rescue remedy.

Balls!

I left my water bottle in Cat's car, balls!

- Guys look, I'm just gonna level with you, all right.

Colleague of mine flogged a care home,

and we had a little bit of a celebration

last night, yeah, yeah?

And I am paying for it today.

(agent chuckles)

What else have we got here?

Oh, main bathroom.

Mate, you're gonna love this.

Come this way, Marky Mark,

get ready to crap your decks, buddy.

Motion activated lights, baby.

- Wow!

- Yes, wow.

(phone ringing)

Oh, I'm sorry.

I absolutely have to get this.

Hello, ah mate!

What are you doing?

Yeah, I'm pissing wine, literally.

- What's wrong with this place?

- I just hate automatic lights,

and they turn off if you take too long to poo.

It feels so judgy.

- We've seen 23 places now,

and there's been something wrong with all of them.

What is going on?

This is supposed to be fun!

- But, I just wish Dad was here.

He was so good at this kind of thing.

Also I'm really P'ed off at myself

for forgetting my water bottle.

It's like, effervesce, Cathy!

- Okay, if I pop over to Cat's,

and pick up your bottle,

will that cheer you up?

- I need to get the toilet, I'm gonna vom!

(agent retching)

(flames crackling)

- Mom!

For God's sake.

This is a council designated smokeless zone.

No, no, no, no, no, that's Dad's stuff!

God, don't burn his diaries.

- Why do you care?

- Because, well, of course I care.

I mean, there's so much we don't know about Dad.

Like, okay, today I found out

that he likes Cirque du Soleil.

Did you know that?

- I don't know how to say this any clearer,

that man is dead to me.

- He's dead to all of us.

He's dead.

- He's particularly dead to me.

- You can't get increments of dead.

You're either dead, or you're not dead.

- Talking of which, what are we doing for your birthday?

Now, I have got my beginner's adult tap that weekend,

but I'm keeping Saturday night free.

- Brilliant.

- What does that mean?

You don't want to do anything with your mother?

- No, it's just, Marcus is taking me

for a surprise birthday dinner at Malhams.

- Oh, oh yeah, okay.

- But look, I'm sure we could make it a table for three.

- That would mean a lot.

- Okay.

Ooh, that is Marcus's university netball fleece.

Actually, you know what, burn it, yeah.

(Marcus sighing)

(Cat tapping) (Marcus yelps)

- Oh, hi Cat.

Yeah, I've just popped over to pick up Cathy's water bottle.

- Right, well you better come in then.

- Okay.

- You all right?

(Marcus coughs)

- Is it cool if I open a window?

- Please don't.

I have a medical condition.

I'm anti fresh air.

- It's a boring GP question, I know,

but have you ever considered

cutting down on the old cigarettes?

- I avoid everything that could give me cancer.

Sun, asbestos, toast, the works.

So, I think I'm allowed

the odd fag every now and again, Marcus.

(Marcus coughs)

- So, my sources tell me

that you're taking Cathy out Saturday night.

- Yeah, she deserves a good spoiling.

She's had a tough year.

- As have we all, love, as have we all.

- Well, here's the thing.

Cathy really wants to do something joint with me,

do you know, 'cause we've only just found one another,

and it's our first birthday without Dad.

- Right, she didn't mention--

- Yeah, can I finish yeah?

So, me and my mum have discussed it,

and we've agreed that we're gonna come to your meal.

You know, 'cause that would make Cathy dead happy.

- You don't have to thank us.

- Um.

- And also, you will be paying for the meal, right?

Because otherwise, I won't be able

to come to my own birthday dinner.

You are welcome.

- [Cathy] Can you not listen to me peeing, please?

Oh, by the way, I've invited my mum to my birthday dinner.

(toilet flushes)

- Crap.

- [Cathy] Is that a problem?

- Huh, no!

- [Cathy] Goodnight.

- I, I invited Marilyn and your sister as well.

- Why would you do that?

- They made me!

They wanted it to be a surprise.

Do you think you could just talk your mom out of it?

- I can't un-invite my mother.

She's psychologically very delicate right now.

Did you know she started using gifs?

- What?

- This morning she sent me one of a minion farting.

- God.

- Yeah, exactly.

I'm extremely worried about her, Marcus.

So no, you're gonna have to go back to Cat and Marilyn,

and tell them they can't come.

- So, if we could just put a pin in Saturday night,

that'd be really helpful.

- You asked us to sell our Cirque du Soleil tickets,

we've gotta come now.

- Okay, I didn't ask you to do that,

but how about I buy you two more tickets?

- Are you joking?

Is he joking?

The whole run sold out before Easter.

- So?

What time's the car picking us up on Saturday?

(upbeat music)

(phone dings)

- God!

Bit of a mixup.

So, Marcus screwed up, and to cut a long story short,

Cat and Marilyn are coming to dinner on Saturday night.

I'm sorry, but maybe we could

do something together next week.

- No, I'm still coming.

She stole my husband, she is not stealing my daughter.

I'm gonna come to your surprise birthday dinner,

even if I hate every single shitting second of it.

- Really looking forward to it now.

- If you'll excuse me.

I've got to work on my diagonal pole plant.

- Oh, good.

(upbeat music)

Thank you, Marcus.

- [Marcus] Oh wait, baby.

- I can get it. - Okay.

Hi, table for Tandoor.

- [Host] Yes, just this way sir.

- Thank you.

This is us, right?

Our favorite table.

- No, sorry, your table's right through here.

- Why didn't you just cancel?

- [Both] Surprise!

- Oh my god!

I had no idea!

- I hope you don't mind we swapped tables.

It's just, I'm no good

near constantly wafting exterior doors.

- Right.

- It's well fancy in here, innit?

Five star food hygiene rating.

- [Host] Are we expecting one more, madam?

- Oh, madam, he is posh.

- My mum will be here any minute.

- Cathy, I brought you this.

- Cat, we said no presents.

- I know, but I think you'll like it.

- Hello.

Look who it is.

- Happy birthday.

- Mr. Shippen.

Wow.

You look so different, sir.

- Well, I treated myself to follicular plugs

as a retirement presi.

- And this is my nearly son-in-law, Dr. Marcus Tandoor.

(dishes clatter)

Can we get another place made, thank you so much.

I thought since it was a free for all now,

you wouldn't mind if I brought along a plus one.

- Hi, Christopher.

- Hi, I'm Marilyn, this is Cat.

- So, Chris, how do ya know Tess?

- Well, I used to teach Cathy geography.

I know, hard to believe.

And then, as fate would have it.

Tess and I crossed paths on our Nordic walking class.

- What's Nordic walking?

- Well, it's basically a full body workout using ski poles.

- Oh, so like skiing but without the skis.

- Exactly!

- Never knew it snowed round here.

- Oh, you don't need snow.

- So what's it got to do with skiing?

- And how do you two ladies know Cathy and Tess?

- Oh, well Cathy is my sister,

and me mum over here was Tess's husband's mistress

for 30 odd years, lucky woman.

- So, tell me in your professional opinion

as a geography teacher,

which is the best of all the countries?

- Well, I would have to say, as a geographer,

Iceland.

- Guys, this is depressing.

I read in the New Scientist that melting glaciers

are causing more volcanoes,

all because of global warming.

(Christopher chuckles)

- Please, global warming.

Anyway, to answer your question, Marilyn,

I recently flew to Ankara to have a little procedure done,

and I just fell in love with the place.

- I've been to Turkey, to Bodrum.

I was serenaded by a teenage boy on a moped.

It was all very "Call Me By Your Name."

Only without the, you know, anal.

- Everyone know what they want to order?

- [Both] Yeah, I'll have the roast salmon,

but with no asparagus.

- Just makes my pee smell.

- Yeah, I don't eat anything that begins with ass.

You know, I'm a little bit weird about ice cream,

because it's nearly ass cream.

- On that note, I must pay a visit to the ladies.

Thank you, Christopher.

- Cath, could we borrow you for a moment please?

Just outside.

Excuse us.

Listen, Cathy.

Sending Meredith those self-portraits of my manhood,

well, that was definitely bad.

But maybe, maybe it was also a really good thing to do.

Because, I could've just slept walked my way

through the next decade,

not knowing how good what we have is.

- What are you doing?

- Cath, some people renew their marriage vows.

Well, I would like to renew my marriage proposal.

Catherine Walcott, I love you.

Will you marry me, again?

- Yes.

Get up, please.

- Okay.

(both laughing)

Yay, it fits.

(upbeat music)

- Strictly speaking, that is geography, yes.

But Love Island isn't a real island, no.

- It looks so real!

- Anybody want anything else from the bar?

Another vodka, Christopher?

- I've got a couple of cheap points

going a begging, why not?

- Oh, Cat give me a hand.

- Bread anyone, bread?

- Oh, I shouldn't, go on then.

- Shit.

- Someone called Meredith.

He doesn't look like a dick pic--

- No, they never do.

What a prick.

- I hope Cathy makes him pay for it.

- Oh, he'll pay.

Excuse me, how much is your

most expensive bottle of champagne?

- [Bartender] I'll just check for you, madam.

(Cat crunching)

- Uno vodka and ice, Christopher.

- Cathy, can you tell her he doesn't need hers.

I've already ordered him one.

- Oh, that's all right.

I'll drink them both!

Marcus, are you finished with that bread?

Thank you.

- [Tess] Oh yes, yes, thank you.

- So, Cathy, how's your dad?

(Marilyn gasps)

- Didn't Tess tell you he died?

- Oh, I am so sorry.

I got completely the wrong end of the stick.

Tess, I thought you were divorced.

- I left him.

- He had a heart attack.

- I'd say being dead was

a pretty good reason to leave somebody.

What do you know?

- Can I have two more of these, please?

- No no, no, no more, thank you.

We're fine, thanks.

Sorry, could I actually check our tab, please?

- Certainly, sir.

- What do you mean, what would I know?

I have lost the only man I ever loved.

- Oh, please.

Don't flatter yourself.

He just used you for intercourse.

- Yes, we had an incredible physical relationship

that was both deeply satisfying,

and mutually exploratory,

but it was more than just sex!

We had a daughter together, he was besotted with Cat.

- Oh, bloody hell.

- Okay, if he loved you so much,

then why did he always come back to us, hm?

I'll tell you why, because you were his hobby.

You were one night a week,

and we were six nights a week,

which means statistically that he loved us

six times more than he loved you.

- I don't think statistics-- - Right, okay, stop.

All right?

All of you.

This is my, our, birthday meal,

so let's just change the subject, shall we?

Mr. Shippen, Cat and Marilyn

are going to Cirque du Soleil this weekend.

- Oh! - Pretty fun, isn't it?

- Well, no, 'cause Marcus made us

sell our tickets to come here.

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

- God's sake, Marcus, I said no fuss!

* Happy birthday dear

- [Cathy] You shouldn't have done this.

* Happy birthday to you

(all cheering)

- Oh, happy birthday princess.

- Thank you, Mom.

Bloody hell, thank you so much.

- Big blow.

- [Cathy] Happy birthday.

(all cheering)

- [Cat] I'll never eat all that.

* Happy birthday to you

- Again?

* Happy birthday dear Cathy

* Happy birthday to you

(all cheering)

- It's lovely Marcus, thank you.

- Sorry, could I just borrow your Visa card?

* I was dancing when I was 12

* I was dancing when I was 12

* I was dancing when I was out

* I was dancing when I was out

* I danced myself right out the womb *

- [Colin] Hello, you've reached the voicemail

of Colin Walcott.

Please leave me a message,

and I'll call you back after the tone.

Thanks, bye.

* Is it strange to dance as soon *

* I danced myself right out the womb *

(doorbell rings)

* I was dancing when I was eight *

* I was dancing when I was eight *

* Oh where's my birthday girl

* Bring me my birthday girl

* I love the birthday girl

* Bring me my birthday girl

Come to make you birthday eggy bread.

- Oh my god, Cathy, amazing!

Text you when I'm up, yeah?

* Is it wrong to understand

* The fear that dwells inside a man *

* What's it like to be alone

* I liken it to a balloon