Original subtitles

I check my look in the mirror

Wanna change my clothes

- No-one's touched the baba ganoush.

I knew it!

I should never have gone off-piste with the nibbles.

Where is your dad?

- Wow, that's stunning, Cathy!

You should be on "Bake Off".

- Oh, it's nothing, I just threw a few bits in a bowl.

Honestly, Rupert, it's probably disgusting.

- She's our very own Mary Berry.

(laughing)

- She's, like, 100 years old, Marcus.

Are you saying I look old?

Is that what you're saying?

Seriously?

- No, no, absolutely not!

Shall I go and put some candles on the cake?

- I don't care.

I can't even look at you right now.

- Just to reiterate, absolutely nothing happened between-

- Not here.

- Right.

- Everybody, apologies again for the delay.

I'm sure Colin will be here any minute.

- What if he doesn't show up?

- Shut up, Rupert!

- [Female] He's here!

- Hide, everyone!

Shh!

- Oh, sorry I'm late, Tessy.

I told Rupert I'd stay for one birthday pint, one.

You know what he's like.

I'm always amazed how much that man can drink!

Why are the lights off?

- [All] Surprise.

- Surprise.

- Oh, shit.

Ooh!

Ooh!

- [Cathy] Dad!

- [Tess] Colin!

- [Cathy] Dad!

(indistinct chatter)

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fell

(church organ)

- I keep thinking about this thing Colin said once.

He said, "Being in love was like

having a good kind of tinnitus."

And I remember thinking that was a good way to put it.

And for 30-odd years, he was my lovely noise.

But it turns out that he had the same noise going on

with someone else.

So, I guess it was the horrid kind of tinnitus after all.

He was with her on his birthday.

Yeah.

With her and their daughter,

who, by the way, he also called Catherine.

I mean, I've heard of people buying their wife

and their mistress the same perfume,

but this is just so much worse.

This is so much worse.

You bastard, Colin!

You lying, cheating, hypocritical bastard!

And do you know what, actually, I'm glad you died,

I am glad you died!

And I hope you burn in hell, you absolute shit!

- Come on.

And now, Colin's daughter, Catherine, will say a few words.

(upbeat music)

- I'm so sorry, Cathy.

I just wanted to be here to support you

while you met your new family.

I did, it's just, she's very angry now.

And she's threatening to e-mail it to you this afternoon,

and I thought you'd rather hear it from me

than stumble across it.

- What, your knob?

Stumble across your knob, like it's accidentally dropped off

and fallen into my inbox?

- I know, but I couldn't tell you over breakfast,

because your mum was there-

- Oh don't bring my mum into this.

- I'm not, I love your mum.

She's right up there with my own mum,

but we haven't had a lot of privacy

since moving in with her, have we?

- You can't tell her anything about this.

Our wedding is the only thing keeping her going.

You promised me nothing happened.

- Nothing did happen between Meredith and me.

Physically.

It was just some innocent office flirting

that got a bit out of hand.

Oh, God, I hate myself so much right now!

- Right.

I'm gonna go and get my dead dad's ashes back.

You know you could get in a lot of trouble

at work for this, Marcus?

Sending an explicit text to a colleague.

It's probably illegal.

- But she started it!

- It doesn't matter, Marcus.

Your knob's about to be flapping around the internet.

Unless you had some incredible lighting

and some, like, trick perspective,

you're not gonna come out of this well.

(knocking)

(gasping)

Hi.

- Catherine Walcott.

Oh, come here.

Oh, this is so weird.

- So weird!

- Do you ever use the full name, Catherine?

- Oh, no, people just call me Cathy.

- Yeah, everyone calls me Cat.

I always thought Cathy was a bit frumpy,

but it really works for you.

Come on, come inside.

- Oh!

That is uncanny.

You two are the spit of each other.

Oh!

Cat got his lovely arse, you got his lovely eyes.

Oh, God!

I loved his arse and his eyes.

Oh, thanks ever so much for coming over, Cathy, love.

- Do you want an energy drink?

- Oh, I'm good, thanks.

I'm trying to wean myself off caffeine.

It must be convenient living right next to the hospital.

If ever you have an emergency, or routine procedures.

- Yeah, it's great.

We can see the incinerators from our patio window.

- Sometimes it smells like a barbecue,

you know, like in the back of Nando's?

Oh, it's dead nice.

- How are you coping with his passing, darling?

- Oh, really well, yeah.

I've watched, like, every TED Talk there is on bereavement,

and I'm really rattling through the seven stages of grief.

I'm already on stage five, I skipped denial, so...

I'll probably go back to work quite soon.

- What's your job?

- I work in reinsurance.

So, I guess in layman's terms,

I insure insurance companies.

So, I basically manage risk.

I actually like to joke and I say,

I'm not a risk taker, I'm a risk taker-awayer.

(laughing)

- Oh, my God, I love takeaways!

God, that's another thing we've got in common.

I work for Deliveroo, it's the best job ever.

At least twice a shift someone rings

and cancels the order late,

and I get to eat whatever's left in the bag.

- Cool, cool.

So, what do you do, Marilyn?

- Oh, I don't work.

It's very hard, with my condition.

- How's your mum doing?

- Oh, she's struggling, yeah.

She hasn't cried yet, so, it's hard.

- I too find it hard.

Physically, I miss him the most.

I'm sure your mum's told you all about this,

but he was a sexual shire horse of a man.

- Was that your other half at the funeral,

the bloke with the fat hands?

- Oh, did he have fat hands?

- Yeah, that was my boyfriend.

Well, my fiance, Marcus. - Oh!

- Fiance!

Ooh!

When's the big day?

- Well it's supposed to be June 12th,

but everything's a bit up in the air.

- Oh, God, this is so exciting!

I've never been a bridesmaid before.

Here, I won't have to pay for the dress, will I?

- Well, we haven't really got that far yet.

So, are you seeing anyone, Cat?

- Well, this summer I finally completed Tinder,

so I'm just taking a bit of a breather.

- Cool, cool.

- I think the problem is, is that my parents

set this really high bar.

'Cause they were so deeply into each other.

- Your father was deeply into me.

Often.

- Okay, well, I should probably be off.

Thanks for picking up the ashes.

I don't really remember making that plan.

I went to collect him this morning,

but you'd nipped in there first.

So, if it's okay by you guys,

do you mind if I take the urn back with me?

- Of course you can take the urn.

- Oh, okay, great!

- We've already poured him into something a bit more Dad.

- He got this tin for us from his holiday

in Disneyland in Florida.

- It's Disney World.

Disneyland's in California.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

I was with him when he bought it.

- All right, don't rub it in!

- Sorry, I...

So, how shall we do this?

'Cause we should probably work out the...

Oh, I don't wanna use the term custody, but...

- Well, I'd quite like him at weekends,

seeing as we could never have him then,

when he was alive.

- It's quite a lot of toing and froing, though.

I was thinking he might be better with us, at home.

The home that he chose to spend most of his life.

Because it was his home.

- I suppose we could divide him in half.

You've got some bathroom scales, haven't you, Mum?

- Is that hygienic?

- I'll give 'em a wipe first.

- We're not splitting him.

We only had half of him in life,

so I don't want half of him in death, too.

- Okay, well, maybe we should just speed things up

and get on with the scattering.

- Yeah, it's weird.

You know this will be the first time

we both know where he actually is.

(phone chimes)

- Oh!

God's sake, Marcus!

- You're right, he has got fat hands!

(laughing)

- At least we've got each other out of this, eh?

If you'd told me as a kid that I had an older sister-

- You know there's only five days between us?

- Serious?

I thought you were, like, creeping 40!

God, I guess grief really does take it out on some people.

- Okay, well, we'll chat later, then, yeah?

- For sure.

I've got this all-inclusive talk and text plan.

So, there is no limit to the amount of texts I can send.

- Great, that's great.

(phone chimes)

- I just sent you the Bolivian flag.

For free.

You are welcome.

- I'm so sorry.

- Get out of my car.

(engine starts)

- Okay.

I'll see you back at your mum's?

I love you, Cathy!

(upbeat music)

- What are you doing?

- I don't want to think, or be reminded,

of anything to do with him.

Look at this.

Never been used.

All those years of golf practice.

Lying prick!

- Mum, wait, wait!

Isn't this a bit sudden?

I don't know if I want you to get rid of the boat.

Catkin was my nickname.

He named it after me.

- How do you know he didn't call her Catkin too?

- Well, he wouldn't.

Would he?

Mum, we need to talk about Dad's ashes.

I went to go and see Catherine and Marilyn today.

- Please, don't say either of those names in my presence.

- Well, one of them is also my name,

so I'm not gonna not say my name.

Anyway, tomorrow we're going to go and look at

a few potential scatter spots,

and I think that you should probably come with us.

- I don't care what you do with his stupid ashes.

Now, I've got a date.

I'm meeting a man from the internet.

- Look, again, isn't this all a bit sudden?

- If anything, it's a bit late.

Your father was shoving it up some woman for years.

I've got lost time to make up for.

And I am not going to sit around watching telly

like some sad, cuckolded widow!

Can you ask Marcus to Sky+

"MasterChef: The Professionals" for me, please?

- Please don't think you're getting into

this bed with me, Marcus.

Not after what you did.

- Right.

Would it help if I went to stay in a Holiday Inn, or...

- You can't go to a hotel,

'cause then Mum will know we've broken up.

- Have we broken up?

- I don't know.

Just go and sleep in the boat.

You can come in for breakfast, she'll never know.

- Cath, it's quite nippy and I really don't

wanna sleep outside.

- Well, I don't want updates of your balls

from that woman you were cyber-screwing!

How many did you send?

- Just four.

But then, one of them was accidentally

on that burst setting, so it took about 16.

Oh, God, Cathy-

- Please go and sleep in the boat!

- Sure.

Okay.

Just text me if you need anything.

And I've Tippexed over the camera, so, no more, ever, ever!

- Oh, that's a shame.

You can't photograph this!

- I deserve that.

(gentle music)

- Is this Joan Armatrading?

I love Joan Armatrading.

This bit.

Oh, no, wait, no.

This bit.

- Yeah, they always play her on Magic.

- Ah!

Thank you for giving me a lift home.

I had such a great time.

I don't usually do this, but do you want to come in?

- Thanks, but no, thanks.

- Are you sure?

Are you sure I can't tempt you?

- Thank you, but no, thank you.

Could I just get my £8 fare, please?

(car horn honks)

Over bridge of sighs

To rest my eyes in shades of green

Under dreaming spires

- Hi! - Hi.

Here you are.

- Oh, I'm just gonna open the window there, Marilyn.

- No, close it.

I don't like fresh air.

It dries me right out.

- Part of her condition.

Road trip!

Woo!

This is gonna be so much fun!

Like, sad, but also fun.

- Are you all right in the back there, Marilyn?

Do you need an ashtray, or...

- No, I'll just catch the ash when it flops off.

- Right, okay.

Good.

Right, let's get this horrific death recce on the road.

Where do you wanna go to first?

- We've got just the place.

- Cool, pop it in the satnav.

Here we go.

- [Sat Nav] Right turn ahead.

The warmth of your love's like the warmth of the sun

- [Sat Nav] You have reached your destination.

- This is it?

- It's perfect.

Mum can see the sandpit from our bathroom window.

I've got so many fond memories of this place.

Like, when I was 18, I lost my virginity

on the sheep-shaped sit-on thing

on the giant spring over there.

- [Marilyn] I thought it was the roundabout?

- No, it was definitely the sheep-shaped sit-on thing

on the giant spring over there.

God, I love this park!

Come on, let's do this!

- Yeah.

It's...

I like it, I do.

But I was thinking we should probably

check out some other suggestions

before we commit to this one option.

- I don't think you can beat this.

- Okay, let's bear it in mind, shall we?

Also, we probably shouldn't pour the ashes into the sand.

I mean, do we really want children playing in our dead dad?

- It's where we scattered our dog, Misty.

I say scattered, she was buried.

- Thank you.

- I love your...

Is it a smock?

- Oh, it's a kaftan.

I haven't worn it for years,

but I thought I'd dig it out for the occasion.

So, I suppose you're a dab hand

at this internet dating thing?

- Well, sure, I had a lot of fun

when I first joined Soul Mates,

but, I think I'm looking for a bit more intimacy now.

- Still up for a bit of fun, though, right?

- Yes.

Of course!

- To sex with strangers!

- And meaningful relationships.

- So, this is my suggestion.

It's a seven-minute walk up that footpath, if that.

- I'm not getting out of the car.

- Me neither.

I don't trust nature.

Once, I got attacked by a magpie behind the BP garage,

it just swooped down and pecked me on the tit,

for no reason.

- It's not that wild.

It's just a really nice footpath up there.

Yeah, but is it going to mess up my trainers, though?

Okay.

No offense, but firstly, we are, like,

literally in the middle of nowhere.

And secondly, there is no way that my mum is gonna up here.

There's no toilets, for a starter.

- Yeah, but that's kind of the beauty of it, isn't it?

- Well, you tell my 57-year-old mother

to squat down and do a wild piss.

- Oh, come on, Cat, it's hardly Bear Grylls out here.

- Alright, look, I'm sorry, but, you know,

this is not gonna work.

I've only got one bar on my phone,

and what happens if I get a Deliveroo order

and I'm up here still doing some mourning?

- Here we are.

- What, a tree?

- Yeah.

Me and Dad used to spend hours here when I was little.

I used to fit in the hole in the trunk.

Thought it was a cave.

- It looks like a gaping arse.

- I wish you hadn't said that.

- Sorry, it's a new card, I just can't remember the PIN.

I've got it on my phone!

Yes.

Yes, right.

There you go.

Hurray!

I just changed all my bank cards back to my maiden name.

- Oh, which is?

- Guff.

Going back to being a Guff.

- Oh, well, that's lovely.

Teresa Guff.

Sounds like a friend of Jane Austen.

- Yeah, it's an awful name, but I'd rather be a Guff

than be reminded of my bastard ex

every time I look at my Nectar card.

Are you sure I can't tempt you to just one more drink?

- Yeah, look, if I'd known we were gonna have a big one,

I wouldn't have brought the car.

- Tell me, what kind of car do you have?

- A Kia.

- Mmm!

- It got an excellent fuel-efficiency rating on "Which Car?"

(laughing)

I can give you a lift to the station in it,

if you like?

- Yeah.

I don't think I've ever been inside a Kia before.

- All right, well, if we can't agree where to scatter him,

then we are gonna need a compromise.

Sorry, can you put that in the car bin?

- Let's just keep things simple,

let's find the middle spot between both our houses

and scatter them there.

- Okay, yeah, well, I guess that could work.

Can you pass me the A-Z?

It's in the folder marked A-Z.

Next to the car hoover.

- Oh!

So organized.

Isn't she organized?

You've got that from your dad.

I suppose you'd have to be, with two families.

- [Cathy] Oh, God, I wish I had a ruler.

- Bingo.

It's picking up my phone, innit?

I was up till 4 a.m. this morning making this playlist.

I'm finding it really hard to sleep at the moment.

Hang on, I know what song we can play!

("Goodbye Stranger" by Supertramp)

- My God, I love this song.

My dad used to play it on long car journeys.

- Yeah, he used to play this every Tuesday

when he was cooking our curry.

- He never cooked for us.

- You're lucky.

It was awful.

- Yeah, remember when he was making a curry

and he covered it all in Bombay mix?

And I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle

Like a queen without a throne

I'm an early morning lover

I must be moving on

And I will go on shining

Shining like brand new

I'll never look behind me

My troubles will be few

Goodbye stranger it's been nice

Hope you find your paradise

Tried to see your point of view

Hope your dreams will all come true

Sweet devotion

Goodbye Mary

It's not for me

Goodbye Jane

Just give me motion

Will we ever

To set me free

Meet again

(laughing)

- Hey, Dad never called you Catkin, did he?

- No.

He used to call me Sugar Puff.

Basically because that's all I ate 'til I was 18.

- What's that burning smell?

- Relax, it's just a bit of ash in my hair.

And on the seat.

- Well, that was lovely.

Wow!

Okay.

- Is there anywhere we can park that's a bit more private?

- Are you sure?

- Are you sure it's here?

- Yeah, this is where the mark is.

- I'm not getting out of the car.

- Yeah, we know.

I suppose this is it, then.

Shall we get this over and done with?

- Yeah.

Mum, pass me Dad.

- I don't really know how you're supposed to do this.

I guess you just say a few words and then pour it.

Or just pour it.

Are you all right?

- Yeah.

I just miss him, you know?

Like, I know he was a shit, but he was my dad.

And he was the best one ever, while we had him.

(car horn honks)

What's that?

Is that your mum?

- Got it?

- Yep, I think.

Ooh!

- Ah!

- Can you just move...

Yes, okay.

- Are you all right?

- I think so, yes.

Are you all right?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, no don't get me wrong,

I'm really into this, it's just,

you know, it's a little bit...

Well, doing it in a car, in broad daylight,

next to the bottle bank...

- I just really need to do this.

- Okay.

- No, no, I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't...

I'm so sorry.

I miss him so much!

Oh, God!

- Oh, God.

- Are you all right, Paul?

- Hi, Cat.

- You know him?

- Yeah.

Tinder.

We can't leave him here, it just doesn't feel right.

Could do with that stupid car hoover.

- Is that a fag butt?

- Yeah.

- Now what do we do?

- I don't know.

But it was a dumb idea to scatter him in one place.

I mean, who knows where else he belongs?

- You're absolutely right, Cat.

Marcus?

I need you to do a thing.

- There's so much crap in these ashes!

Is that a bit of polystyrene?

No, it's just a tooth.

- Here you go.

I could only find two.

- Thanks for skiving out of work for this.

- I said I'd do anything for you, and I mean it.

- What are those, fireworks?

- No, they're distress flares from Dad's boat.

- What, Dad's got a boat?

- Yeah.

- Here, Mum, we've got half a boat!

- So, pour the ashes into these.

- Ooh!

Sorry, Dad.

- Okay.

Careful.

Right, right, sorry.

Right, okay.

- Cheers.

- Right.

Three, two, one! - Three, two, one.

(melodic music)

- This is the first proper view I've seen in years.

- I really loved him.

- I know you did, Mum.

We all did.

- Maybe that's why I didn't see it, because I loved him.

I know everyone thinks I'm a naive idiot, but,

I genuinely, genuinely thought he had golf practice

every Tuesday and Thursday.

- He never came to us on a Thursday.

(police siren)

Is that the police?

- Oh, God.

Oh, God, I know what they're here for!

Just go, Cathy, leave!

I'm the one who sent those photos.

I have to face this like a man.

Go on, Cathy, get out of here!

- Is that really why they're arresting him?

- No, we let off distress flares.

They have to come and check it out.

- I know why you're here.

- Tinder, innit?

("Goodbye Stranger" by Supertramp)

Goodbye stranger it's been nice

Hope you find your paradise

Tried to see your point of view

Hope your dreams will all come true

Goodbye Mary goodbye Jane

Will we ever meet again

Feel no sorrow