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1
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,000
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
2
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,400
A hot tub in the bedroom, yeah?
3
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,640
You might as well just get a flashing sign
that says, "Playa!"
4
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,040
Ha-ha! Don't be telling me
this ain't lit as fuck, girl.
5
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:20,120
I could get used to this.
Get the bubbles going, then.
6
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,520
Nah, it's calm. I like it like this.
7
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,320
(SIGHS) The bubbles are the whole point.
8
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:26,040
Uh-uh.
9
00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:31,920
Come on.
10
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,880
I've never done it in a Jacuzzi before.
11
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:40,720
Yeah... OK.
12
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:41,960
(SWITCH CLICKS)
13
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,640
(WHIRRING)
14
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:50,080
(BANGING)
15
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,920
What's that noise?
16
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,200
What? I can't hear anything.
17
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,640
(BANGING)
18
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,040
MUM: Benjamin!
19
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,520
What did I tell you? Benjamin!
20
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,080
I don't remember everything you say,
woman. You're not that interesting.
21
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,480
Benji, what's going on?
22
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:03,800
Nothing, darling.
23
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,080
You know the rules.
24
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,560
No bubbles after seven!
25
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,360
I'm trying to watch EastEnders!
26
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:12,600
Who the hell is this?
27
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,800
This is...
28
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:14,960
What's your name again?
29
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,160
It's Elle. Who's she?
30
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,200
It's my cleaner.
31
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,120
His mother.
Benji, you'd better be wearing protection.
32
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,720
- I'm just sitting in the tub, Mum.
- Stupid boy.
33
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,400
You can still get STDs
from sharing bathwater with sex workers.
34
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She's not a sex worker!
35
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,160
Are you? You're not...?
36
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,480
No, I'm fucking not!
37
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,240
Benji, cover your ears.
38
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,000
COMMENTATOR: Agüero!
39
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,240
Power dynamics.
40
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,640
You're men. That's power.
41
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,040
But also you're wealthy.
42
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,680
That's power.
43
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:04,000
Are people doing things that they don't
really want to do just to please you?
44
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,520
"But, Louis,
they always have a choice to say no."
45
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:11,040
Remember, guys, that's not a choice,
that's called self-defence.
46
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,120
But knocking me back
is more like self-harm.
47
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:15,800
(LAUGHTER)
48
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,000
Hey, cool.
49
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,440
I know humour can be used to defuse
tension, but maybe not now, yeah?
50
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,720
OK. I'd love to break out into groups.
We can role-play.
51
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,320
No. No time for that.
52
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:26,600
Look, the bottom line is,
53
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,640
I don't want to see any of you
in the papers over this stuff, OK?
54
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,240
Any questions?
55
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,640
Pascal.
56
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,040
But of course it's still OK when we...
57
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:39,280
...film the sex to share it on...um...
58
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,200
Oh, putain, c'est quoi?
What is the word?
59
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,720
Cry... Crypté... Cry...?
60
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,040
Encrypted?
61
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,080
Yeah, encrypted.
It's still OK to share filmed sex
62
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,400
on encrypted WhatsApp group, yes?
63
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,080
Hard no.
64
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:55,320
And just to be clear, Pascal,
that was never OK.
65
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:56,760
Any other questions?
66
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,240
Petey?
67
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,800
Look, the bottom line is,
you can do what you always did,
68
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,360
as long as you keep it under wraps.
69
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,080
Totally incorrect. Also, not a question.
70
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,080
OK. Think about what you're about to do,
then afterwards keep it under wraps.
71
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,280
No. And again, not a question.
72
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:14,000
Guys, this is really not that hard.
It's about consent
73
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,480
and attaining mutual stated consent
74
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,200
before and during lovemaking.
75
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,280
Exactly that.
But put in a less creepy way.
76
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,400
Easy for him to say.
He's a born-again virgin.
77
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,760
Oh, that's interesting.
For religious reasons?
78
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,240
Self-imposed dry patch.
Focusing on my career.
79
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,960
Look, you're all intelligent.
Just be respectful
80
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000
and avoid situations
where it's easy to confuse the signals.
81
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,960
Basically, stick to strip clubs.
82
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,960
No. Absolutely not.
83
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,520
No cameras. Consenting adults.
Plus, it's empowering for women.
84
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,320
Hard to know if you're being serious.
85
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,080
- Where can we go, then?
- I don't know.
86
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,560
The cinema? Or do some charity work.
87
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,520
Food banks, the elderly.
Anything except strip clubs.
88
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,480
Nah, this all smacks of sexism to me.
89
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,680
I bet you didn't have this chat
with the ladies' team.
90
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,520
Yes, we did, obviously.
91
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,120
- For appearances' sake.
- No.
92
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,680
Because it's important.
93
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,280
I'm going to start my own campaign.
94
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,960
"Believe all men."
95
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,480
Well, that's a terrible idea,
96
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,920
but there's absolutely nothing
stopping you doing so, Petey,
97
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,120
just as long as it's after
you've left the club.
98
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,680
Any other questions?
99
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,600
Really?
100
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,640
Really? Fine.
101
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:18,960
Pascal, again.
102
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,000
But it's encrypted, so...?
103
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,960
Olivia, why wasn't Cesare at the talk?
104
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,000
He's a 65-year-old Italian.
105
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,640
He thinks the #MeToo movement is a way
to indicate you'd like to join the orgy.
106
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:35,840
Oh, really?
107
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,000
No.
108
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,560
Sorry, that was unprofessional.
109
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,400
It's been a stressful morning.
110
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,880
You know, I covered sexual politics
as part of my degree,
111
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,320
so if you ever need a supportive voice
within the squad, just shout.
112
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,520
I'm probably OK.
113
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,720
Anyway, thanks for trying.
I appreciate it.
114
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,160
Yeah, you know,
if you're having a bad day,
115
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,800
maybe we could have a chat
over coffee or dinner?
116
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,400
OK. Two things.
117
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:58,080
- One, I don't date footballers.
- It wouldn't be a date.
118
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,680
- I just think we'd get along and...
- Wait.
119
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,600
I had these made for this exact situation.
120
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,600
Yes. OK. Very cute. I get it.
121
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,240
But I'm...
Really, I'm not like the others.
122
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,640
- You had them laminated?
- They get a lot of use.
123
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,280
Right. Did you have a second thing?
124
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:21,040
Secondly, I've just finished hosting
a talk on inappropriate sexual behaviour.
125
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,760
So, one second...
126
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,840
Hi, Bob.
127
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,760
Sorry to do this on a Monday,
128
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:34,160
but I need to send Mattie Sullivan over
to you regarding an octopus situation.
129
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,160
Great. Thanks.
130
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,200
What's an octopus situation?
131
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,160
Sexual harassment of a colleague.
132
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,040
You know where the HR office is?
133
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:52,040
Out of the whole squad of deviants,
I'm the one that gets the verbal warning?
134
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,760
Sex rules are baffling. It's probably
safer if we all become born-again virgins.
135
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,600
It's a self-imposed dry patch.
I've been focusing on my career.
136
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,080
I'm nervous now.
Hot-tubbed a girl last night.
137
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,640
What if she goes to the press?
138
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,560
Please tell me that hot-tubbed
isn't a euphemism.
139
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,840
Nah. We done it in my actual hot tub.
140
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,720
- The one in your bedroom?
- Yeah, boy.
141
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,240
And let's just say, when she got out,
142
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,240
there was a lot more liquid in there
than before. Ha-ha!
143
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,920
- Because she pissed herself?
- No. But it got mad kinky.
144
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,440
I'm not buying it. Sounds like bullshit.
145
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:18,840
You should probably give her a call,
you know,
146
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,440
after that chat this morning
and everything.
147
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,880
- Yeah. If she's real, give her a call.
- Oh, she's real. And I'm calling her now.
148
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,160
(LINE RINGS)
149
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:26,640
ELLE: What?
150
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,040
Sweetheart. How's it going, sweetheart?
151
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,840
Don't call me sweetheart.
152
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,640
Babes, listen. Last night was sick,
153
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,400
but it has to stay between me and you.
154
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,280
- And your mum?
- Ha-ha. Banter. Good one.
155
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,240
But seriously, club wouldn't want to see
my name splashed all over the papers.
156
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,200
Benji, I can guarantee
our story is safe with me.
157
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,480
Cool. Cool.
158
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:49,080
Because I tried selling it,
and no-one's interested.
159
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,720
Turns out you're a fucking nobody.
160
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,760
Not the Cameroonian David Beckham.
161
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,560
- What?
- Not even LADbible.
162
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,760
A girl I know wanked Wes from Love Island
on a train, and even that made LADbible.
163
00:06:58,800 --> 00:06:59,840
Nice one. Bye.
164
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,280
- The Cameroonian Beckham?
- Nah, nah. It's all good.
165
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,680
At least I'm safe from getting #MeToo'd.
166
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,160
Benji, you don't get #MeToo'd.
167
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,880
You do something wrong
and you suffer the consequences.
168
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,440
You're right, we got to be careful.
This #MeToo got us on lockdown.
169
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,280
- We can't go nowhere, not one strip club.
- No, it hasn't.
170
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,240
If we behave how we normally do,
everything will be fine.
171
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,040
You got a verbal warning
seconds after a #MeToo talk.
172
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,240
It was a misunderstanding.
173
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,880
Hey, if yous want to go somewhere,
I know a place.
174
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,200
I go there all the time,
and we definitely won't get #MeToo'd.
175
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,600
- You do have to stop saying that.
- Come on.
176
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,960
He was right about us not getting
in trouble with women in here.
177
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,560
I doubt a woman has ever been in here.
178
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,720
It's like they built this
as a #MeToo bunker.
179
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,480
JACK: Yeah, each way on that one.
180
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,720
Lovely, Jack. Good horse, that.
181
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,680
Any thoughts for the Champions League
games this week?
182
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,880
Oh, yeah, good point. Here's 20.
183
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,680
Juve to win on away goals.
184
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,800
Hey, you're not betting on football, are
you? You really shouldn't be doing that.
185
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,640
Nah, it's fine.
I don't bet on our games - usually.
186
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,280
It's not fine. You'll be suspended
187
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,640
for betting on any football
anywhere in the world.
188
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,360
Nah, they'd have mentioned it
if that was the case.
189
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,840
They do mention it! All the time.
190
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,200
It seems unlikely, to be honest.
191
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,280
- Can we go now?
- Just watch the end of this race.
192
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,920
- I've got a grand on it.
- A grand?!
193
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,360
- Is it a big race?
- Don't know. Probably not.
194
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,280
Why does no-one want to buy a story on me?
195
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,800
- You should be grateful.
- I'm not, though. I want to be big enough
196
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,000
that someone will buy a story.
197
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,040
"Not-Cameroonian Beckham
still lives with Mom"?
198
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,080
(RACING COMMENTARY IN BACKGROUND)
199
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,880
- Sorry about that, Jack.
- It happens, Terry, mate.
200
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,400
Don't worry about it.
201
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,800
Seem pretty OK
for someone who's just lost a grand.
202
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,240
- Never lost a grand.
- Oh, good.
203
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,440
In total, it was about three grand.
204
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,280
- Jesus is Lord!
- No, it's fine.
205
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,440
I got paid two grand the other day
off my sponsors.
206
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,800
- Screwfix.
- Yeah.
207
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:39,840
Mad luck.
208
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,320
Well, this place is super depressing.
Let's get out of here.
209
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:45,160
I told you, you can't go nowhere.
Nowhere is safe.
210
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,800
Oh, I could cook us all a meal.
211
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:50,080
Just because we can't date women don't
mean we have to start dating each other.
212
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,120
No, I've been living out of a hotel
for weeks.
213
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,840
Be great to do something normal,
like cook a meal.
214
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,280
Can I use your kitchen, Jack?
215
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,880
- Yeah, knock yourself out.
- Great. Let's go buy some food.
216
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,880
Yeah, you might need to buy
some cutlery too.
217
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,040
And plates.
218
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,280
And some pots.
219
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:05,520
And a table.
220
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,080
And probably some chairs as well.
But other than that, you're all good.
221
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,600
You need to be careful in supermarkets.
222
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,160
That's where women go in the afternoons
if they want sex.
223
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,720
Or if they want shopping.
224
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,840
I saw a TED Talk on it.
This guy knew what he was talking about.
225
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:22,720
There's a TED Talk on picking up women
in supermarkets on weekday afternoons?
226
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,200
Yes. This guy talks about how he picks up
women in supermarkets all the time,
227
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,840
and then he shows the results.
228
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,880
I am almost certain you mean Pornhub.
229
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:33,280
Wherever I saw it,
we need to be careful in supermarkets.
230
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,360
These are weird, aren't they?
231
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,960
Like little plastic things
that you hang in your bog.
232
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,680
The TED Talk guy said he got most of
his action in the household goods aisle.
233
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,400
- Makes sense.
- Yeah, because nothing
234
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,320
puts a woman in the mood
more than an aisle of Toilet Ducks.
235
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:50,760
Excuse me.
236
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,920
I'm so sorry to bother you, but you're
not Jack Turner, the footballer, are you?
237
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,000
Yes, miss.
238
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,800
Oh, wow. I've seen you on my son's wall .
239
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,320
He-He'll never believe this.
He's such a fan.
240
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,480
I'm Nicola.
241
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:08,760
Are you all players?
242
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,120
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Mattie. This is Benji.
243
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,680
Wow.
244
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,480
Actual professional footballers.
245
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,880
What are you doing in here? I thought
you'd have people to shop for you.
246
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,760
I'm humble, I stay humble.
247
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,440
- Would you mind if I got a photo?
- Of course not.
248
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,440
- We love meeting fans.
- Oh, my God. He'll explode
249
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,360
when he sees a selfie of me
and his favourite players.
250
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,520
And Mattie.
251
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,320
Um, right, say cheese.
252
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,360
ALL: Cheese!
253
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,360
Thank you. This will make his day.
254
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,880
Anyway, good luck with the football, boys.
255
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:36,680
Thank you.
256
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,720
- Nice to meet you.
- Cheers.
257
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,920
Look, I know this is a bit cheeky,
but what the hell?
258
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,040
You did say you love meeting your fans.
259
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,520
I knew you was a cheeky one
the second I saw you, Nicola.
260
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:48,800
Um, what are you doing now?
261
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,960
I live just around the corner,
262
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,240
and it would make Stuart's day
if you were there to surprise him when
263
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:57,200
he got back from school. He'll be home in
about ten minutes? I-I totally understand
264
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,760
if you've got other stuff to do.
265
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,800
But he's just had a bit
of a rough time of it lately, is all.
266
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,600
- Bullying?
- He has been involved
267
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,320
in some bullying incidents, yes.
268
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,040
Actually, we've got nothing going on
this afternoon. We'd love to.
269
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,720
Oh, wow. My God. This is great!
270
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:12,920
You boys are so sweet.
271
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,000
Um, let me just get a cake.
272
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,200
The least I can do is give you some tea.
273
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,840
Ha-ha-ha. Playing with fire, mate.
274
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,360
No. I'm taking time out of our day to do
something positive for someone else,
275
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,640
like Olivia said this morning.
276
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:29,360
I thought you'd have figured out
by now, Brains...there is no son.
277
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,560
She's after a foursome.
278
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,640
Which is why she's buying sponge cake?
279
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,680
I don't want to get in any trouble here.
What if the TED Talk guy is right?
280
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,000
The TED Talk guy, who doesn't exist,
is not right, Jack.
281
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,280
Yeah? Well, let's see how she responds
to his coded message.
282
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,320
What's that?
283
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,040
"Can you recommend something to get
these lipstick stains off my penis?"
284
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,880
Not exactly the Enigma code, is it?
285
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,280
Please don't say that to her.
Or any woman. Ever.
286
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,360
Calm down, the Pope. It's a free hit.
287
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,480
You can't get #MeToo'd
if they approach you.
288
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,040
Incorrect. On so many levels.
289
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,280
Haven't changed your mind, then?
290
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:04,360
Actually, while we're here, maybe you
can recommend something for getting, um...
291
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,080
...stains out...
292
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,960
...of my...my boxer shorts.
293
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,120
Oh.
294
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,920
Oh, dear. Poor you.
295
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,120
Oh, well, when my son has tummy problems,
I normally use a Vanish tablet
296
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,560
and a really hot wash.
297
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,440
Or just throw them away, to be honest.
298
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,360
No. I meant lipstick.
299
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,840
So...
300
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,080
You want to get poo stains
out of lipstick?
301
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,560
Y-Yes.
302
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,960
- Let's go meet Stuart.
- Yeah.
303
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,560
And-And thank you so much again.
304
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,000
I have a feeling
things are about to get very sexual.
305
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,680
He's usually straight back from school.
306
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,320
Really sorry.
307
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,920
Shouldn't be much longer.
308
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,200
Can I have another can of Fanta, please?
309
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,240
Of course. Let me get that for you.
310
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,080
I love TED Talks.
They're always bang on.
311
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,160
I don't know if I've got the energy
for an orgy.
312
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,200
And what if her son comes back
when we're all into it?
313
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,760
There is no son.
314
00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,280
Yeah, all these photos of this 14-year-old
are just elaborate props.
315
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,160
And for clarity, even if she did want
an orgy, which she definitely doesn't,
316
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,960
I don't want an orgy with you.
317
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,400
Who with, then?
318
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,000
- No-one, Jack.
- There you go.
319
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:10,640
Can I get you anything else?
320
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,480
How about a slice of your delicious pie?
321
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,560
Oh, I don't think I've got any.
322
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,160
Is cake OK?
323
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,280
Actually, I might have
a pie in the freezer.
324
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,280
Have you ever shared your delicious pie?
Three ways?
325
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,880
Three ways? Don't think so.
326
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,800
I think the portions would be too big.
327
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,880
I don't think the club would be
too pleased if they found out
328
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,760
we'd been stuffing ourselves with pie,
Benji.
329
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,680
I'm really sorry.
I don't know where he's got to.
330
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,720
Ever since his dad left,
he's been so emotional.
331
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,480
The only other times he's been late
has been because of the bullying.
332
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,400
Ow!
333
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,600
- Are you all right?
- Ooh, trapped nerve.
334
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,680
I get so stressed when I think
about Stuart and the bullying.
335
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,680
I just need some pressure
applied on my lower back.
336
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,600
- Will one of you help?
- I've been told I've got magic fingers.
337
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,680
No, no. I took a physiotherapy module
at university.
338
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,320
OK. Just lie face down. Arms out ahead.
339
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,600
Like Superman flying. There you go.
340
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,080
Like this?
341
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,920
Yeah, perfect. While I release the muscle,
just slowly lift your arms.
342
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,640
Argh!
343
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,800
I feel like if her son comes back now,
this isn't gonna look good.
344
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:07,920
There is no son.
345
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,320
- Is that any better?
- Yeah, it's easing up a bit.
346
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,960
Argh... That's it.
347
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,000
Oh, oh, let me help.
348
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,760
That's amazing. Oh!
349
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,240
- Knew it.
- Mum, what the fuck?!
350
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,000
Stuart! Surprise!
351
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,920
Fucking right it's a surprise!
What's going on?
352
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,960
My back went.
Mattie was just helping me.
353
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,520
They've come here to cheer you up.
354
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,720
It's not fucking working.
355
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,200
It's a pleasure to meet you, Stuart. I was
starting to think you might not exist.
356
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,880
Who's this paedo?
357
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,200
They're football players.
From your favourite team.
358
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:38,960
Well, he barely plays.
359
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,240
All right, mate.
360
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,040
This one, I've literally no idea
who he is.
361
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,240
- I'm Mattie Sullivan.
- Yeah. No idea.
362
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,480
All right, fair play, that's Jack Turner.
You're decent.
363
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,800
- (MUMBLES) Thank you.
- What was that?
364
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,080
He doesn't really talk.
365
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:54,240
OK, hang on, I'm not going to forget
that I just walked in on the three of you
366
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,120
pulling a train on my mum!
367
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,760
Whoa, whoa, Stuart...
Look, it's not what it looks like.
368
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,880
Obviously there's been a giant
misunderstanding, right, guys?
369
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,400
Yeah. Turns out your mum
genuinely wanted to surprise you.
370
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,480
While we thought she wanted
to smash us into next week.
371
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,240
No, that was not the misunderstanding.
372
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,600
Oh, my God, no!
373
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,840
Stuart, wait, please!
374
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,040
Right. Time to bounce.
375
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,720
We can't leave now! Why not?
376
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,080
No-one's getting their balls dipped
after that little baby's drama.
377
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,360
We can't leave now,
because we have to fix this.
378
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,360
The state that kid's in,
he could do anything.
379
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,200
- Shall we beat him up?
- Yeah, that's a brilliant idea, Jack.
380
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,280
Let's beat up the kid who thinks he's just
witnessed us spit-roasting his mom.
381
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:29,800
This is awful. He's locked me out.
382
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,240
He's threatening to go on Instagram
383
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,640
to tell everyone how he caught his mum
in an orgy with some footballers.
384
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,040
Why would he think that?
385
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,040
- To be fair...
- Shut up, Benji.
386
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,720
Jack, you're his favourite.
He'll listen to you.
387
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,520
Will you go and explain?
388
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,960
(WHIMPERS)
389
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,920
Bullying can be a terrible experience.
390
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,680
- I'm sure that's why he's so jumpy.
- Yeah.
391
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,480
I mean, we took away his phone for a week
392
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,640
when we were told
what he was doing to the other kids.
393
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,720
- Sorry? He was the bully?
- Yeah. The divorce hit him hard.
394
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,520
Not as hard as he hit them kids, I bet.
395
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,680
Well, at least things seem a lot calmer
up there now.
396
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,280
STUART: Mum!
397
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,160
He's freaking me out!
398
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,360
He hasn't said a word
for about five minutes. I feel unsafe.
399
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,600
(MUMBLES) I'm really sorry.
400
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,040
I just wanted to make everything
perfect for him. I'm a terrible mother.
401
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,400
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't send this right now.
402
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:22,560
Because it's not true, Stuart,
and we might lose our jobs over it.
403
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,800
Look, man, I-I know things have been
tough for you lately and...
404
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,680
...also for the other kids around you,
but football is our lives.
405
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:32,320
It looks bad,
but we'll do anything to fix it.
406
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,360
- Anything?
- Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
407
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,840
I want to train with the first team.
408
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,200
Ah, that's a little tricky.
409
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,360
To train with the first team, you have
to be an actual footballer at the club.
410
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,240
You said "anything". You lied.
411
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,440
OK. I'll see what I can do,
but I'm not promising.
412
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,640
I think you are.
413
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,680
I want to get a photo for my Insta of me
kicking a ball with the first teamers.
414
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,000
Or else you'll post the other thing?
415
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,520
Yeah. But now I'm going to add,
"Jack Turner is a paedophile."
416
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,520
We aren't all paedophiles, Stuart.
417
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,080
What are you doing in my bedroom, then?
418
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,480
Told you we should have beat him up.
419
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,280
I have to say,
my back is feeling much better.
420
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,360
Great. Well, that's something.
421
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,520
Here he is. The lucky boy!
422
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,880
Thanks, Nicola. We should be done by one.
423
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,760
Still can't believe this is happening.
Thank you.
424
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,360
Aw, look at his face.
425
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,600
He's having the time of his life.
426
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,040
I'd hate to see him on a bad day.
427
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,280
You saw me yesterday.
428
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,680
When you three tried to fuck my mum.
429
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,920
That was a pretty bad day.
430
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,640
Bye, sweetie.
431
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,680
OK. Now, to successfully pull this off,
432
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,840
we need you to play along
with whatever we say, understood?
433
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,000
No. I call the shots.
You're not in charge.
434
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,400
Come on, Stuart. What we're doing today
is highly unusual.
435
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,920
Is it as unusual as three footballers
bukkakeing your mum?
436
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,080
Bukkakeing, anyone?
437
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,480
It's where multiple men
spunk on a woman's face.
438
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:01,560
Oh, OK.
439
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,480
No. No, it isn't.
440
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,160
Come on, let's go.
441
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:10,040
Really do think you need to cut down
on the internet porn, though, buddy.
442
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:14,160
I mean, it's wide, like a Coke can,
but she's still not into it.
443
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,440
She used to love all these...
444
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,240
Chris! Hi. How are you?
445
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,640
Great, great, Mattie. Yeah. Loving
training. It's better than being at home.
446
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:21,920
You know what I mean?
447
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,440
It's like a war zone sometimes.
448
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,040
Yeah.
449
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,600
Yeah. Listen, I know we're not meant
to have guests at training,
450
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,240
- but my little nephew's here...
- Oh, right. Well,
451
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,840
yeah, we don't really allow kids
at the training complex, Mattie.
452
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,000
You should know that.
453
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,480
I... I do know, but he's a lovely lad,
454
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,480
and I was wondering
if this time maybe you could...
455
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:45,320
He's got a serious health thing.
He's not got long left to live.
456
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,640
Oh, shit.
457
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,600
Oh, I'm sorry. Poor guy. Um, where is he?
458
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,960
- Er, he's over there.
- Where?
459
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,640
Just there, next to Jack.
460
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,120
Oh, right. Big boy.
461
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,680
Yeah. Yeah, but he's actually... He's ten.
462
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,120
Ten? Right. What's he got?
463
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,320
- Viral thing. Hay fever.
- Leukaemia.
464
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,000
He's got hay fever leukaemia?
465
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,880
Yeah. Every time he sneezes,
his cell count drops.
466
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,920
- Should he be outside?
- Hay fever is a code word
467
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,200
we use for polio.
468
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,960
- Polio?
- Hmm.
469
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,760
Oh, my God.
I thought that had been eradicated.
470
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,120
Well, have you contacted
the health authorities?
471
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,800
It's not polio. He's got something else.
472
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,520
Worse, but less worrying.
473
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,880
- You know cat AIDS?
- I've heard of it.
474
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,120
It is like cat AIDS for kids.
475
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,840
Gosh. Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
Poor little guy.
476
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:28,920
Let's go see him.
477
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,320
Oh...
478
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,560
Hi.
479
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,480
I don't want to meet this old cunt.
480
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,680
He's also got Tourette's
481
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,840
I understand. Poor little scamp.
482
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:39,960
What did you fucking say?
483
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,880
- Can we take him in?
- Yeah, course you can.
484
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,400
Go on, in you go.
485
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:44,800
Thanks.
486
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,840
Oh...
487
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,720
Poor kid.
488
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,360
Right, nice. We're in.
489
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,680
It's exciting, isn't it, Stuart?
490
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,000
Not especially, no.
491
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:56,840
So, when am I doing the training?
492
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,200
Well, it is still breakfast,
and there will be some stretching...
493
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,640
I said, "When?"
494
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,280
OK. Let's get some food first.
495
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,120
Then we'll do whatever you want.
496
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,640
You better.
497
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,880
- So what's the plan, then?
- What do you mean, what's the plan?
498
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,280
- Are you going to get him training?
- I wasn't, Jack.
499
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,720
I think Chris might notice
if a ten-year-old cat AIDS sufferer
500
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:16,880
suddenly joined in.
501
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,560
- (TAPS FIRE ALARM COVER)
- Jesus. Whoa, Stuart, hey!
502
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,920
Let's get our breakfast on, yeah?
503
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,840
MATTIE: And this is the canteen.
No ice cream, I'm afraid.
504
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,640
STUART: I'm not a fucking baby.
505
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,280
Hey, maybe you want a smoothie
or something.
506
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,600
Now you're talking! That's what I want.
507
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,560
To meet Petey Brooks. Club legend!
508
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,960
Christ. Really?
509
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,200
Do you want me
to tell the papers about my mum?
510
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,160
OK. OK, fine.
511
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,760
- Petey.
- Fuck off.
512
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:46,840
Yeah.
513
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,160
Although, listen, there's this kid here,
and he's sick,
514
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,840
really sick, badly ill.
And I brought him here,
515
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,600
and all he wants to do is meet you.
516
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:54,960
How much?
517
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,800
What? No, sorry, he's-he's ill,
518
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,720
like-like terminally ill,
and didn't want to visit Disneyland
519
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,880
or pretend to be Batman.
520
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,720
He simply wants to say hello to you.
521
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,880
Oh, right. How much?
522
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,680
- It's a sick kid, Petey.
- I understand, and what I'm saying is,
523
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:12,040
how much will you or some GoFundMe
his godfather has set up give me
524
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,560
if I say hello?
525
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,080
- I-I... I don't know.
- I'll do it for a grand.
526
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:17,840
- To say hello?
- It's a fair rate.
527
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,680
I charge my brother's kids 250.
528
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,760
OK. This is good, this is good.
We're negotiating.
529
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,040
No, we aren't.
530
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,960
Hey. It's Jack, right?
531
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,600
Er, yeah.
532
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,320
Ruth.
533
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,880
I just thought I'd come and say hi.
534
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,000
Um, they're letting us train
one day a week here now.
535
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,200
It's pretty nice, right?
The canteen food is unreal.
536
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,320
Do you like it?
537
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:44,800
So, who's the kid?
538
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,600
- He's a friend.
- I'm not your friend.
539
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:47,800
No, I mean...my son.
540
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,200
- Your son?
- What? No.
541
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,000
Not my son. Sorry, I panicked.
542
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,800
I can tell you exactly
how we know each other.
543
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,960
- Actually, Ruth, we've got to go.
- I'm going nowhere, mate.
544
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,640
So, I came home from school yesterday...
545
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,720
Sorry. You've got to go.
546
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,520
- What?
- Well, we can't go, so you've got to go.
547
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,120
Um, OK.
548
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,640
See you around?
549
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:08,600
Smooth.
550
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,680
Stuart, you want to grab some food?
551
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,120
I will. But not cos you told me to.
552
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,120
- Petey wants a grand.
- Sounds about right.
553
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,640
- Yeah, I've been thinking...
- Bad start.
554
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,720
The question is, would being in the paper
for gang-banging a MILF
555
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:24,840
actually be a bad thing for me?
556
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,600
I guess it depends on how much you value
the job that you've dedicated
557
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:28,840
your entire life to.
558
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,440
And it is an ethical dilemma.
559
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,920
But it would be nice to know
someone could sell a story on me.
560
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,280
Yeah, I could see that'd be nice
if you're a fucking idiot!
561
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,200
Hey, it's a win-win for me, I reckon.
562
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:38,960
Basically, I ain't paying a grand.
563
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,560
Great, great. Jack?
564
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,840
Obviously, I would help, but I've got
no cash till we get paid again.
565
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,040
How? How is that possible?
You just signed a new contract.
566
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,800
I had a run of back luck.
I'll win it back.
567
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,000
I can pay next week, though,
if the kid can hang around.
568
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,400
He's not going to wait a week for you
to still not win at horses, is he?
569
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,720
Oh, fine. Fine. We're fucked.
570
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,160
And I'll tell him.
What's the worst that can happen?
571
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,120
We all get sacked. You just told us that.
572
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,880
Stuart! Listen, Stuart, we've got
a great day lined up for you
573
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,320
but you can't meet Petey Brooks. And now,
the video suite is that way, where we...
574
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,800
You fucking what, mate?
575
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,920
...and discuss tactics.
576
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,040
I can't meet Petey?
577
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,000
Um... No.
578
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,080
(ROARS)
579
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,640
You lied!
580
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,280
They lied!
581
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,240
- Jesus Christ, shut him up.
- Please, please, calm down, Stuart.
582
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,640
You did things to my mum. My mummy!
583
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,680
You bukkaked my mummy.
584
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,480
Oh, dear. Little fella
having another Tourette's attack.
585
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,080
Oh, fuck off, you total cunting prick!
586
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,320
Oops. A bad one.
587
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,680
Give us a minute, Chris?
588
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,160
- Sure thing.
- I'm sending it.
589
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,800
- Do you want me to beat him up?
- All right, all right.
590
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,240
I'll fix it up for you to meet Petey
if you shut up.
591
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,320
- Really?
- Yes. Really.
592
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,520
- You sure you got this?
- Yes. I think.
593
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,400
- Now, Stuart, Petey's in there.
- Amazing.
594
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:53,000
And he's really happy to meet you,
but he does insist on no phones.
595
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,280
- After the England incident.
- Right, yeah, of course.
596
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,080
And in you go. Enjoy.
597
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:06,200
He's not here.
598
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:07,920
Fuck you, Stuart.
599
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,800
Hey, no! Let me out! Let me out!
I knew it!
600
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,520
Do not let him out.
I know who can fix this.
601
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,080
Fucking let me out,
you fucking paedos!
602
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:20,320
Let me out now! I'm underage. This is
illegal. You can't fucking do this!
603
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,920
- I think this has made things worse.
- Fuck you! Fuck!
604
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,440
And now he's threatening to tell the world
about us and his mom
605
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,080
unless he meets Petey. And Petey,
606
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:28,280
the maniac, won't meet the kid
for less than a grand.
607
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:32,720
(SIGHS) I mean, the #MeToo briefing
was, what, less than 24 hours ago?
608
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,200
It's not quite as bad as it sounds.
609
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,600
Even though you're telling me
610
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,200
you've got a potential
front-page-of-the-paper situation
611
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,800
regarding precisely what you were
warned about yesterday?
612
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,640
OK, when you put it like that,
it sounds pretty bad.
613
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,280
Right, where is he now?
614
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,920
We stole his phone and locked him
in the video briefing room.
615
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,200
Course you did.
616
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,320
Jesus Christ.
617
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,760
Happy? Got a lot of gear there.
618
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,120
- When am I meeting Petey?
- Listen...
619
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,360
...you little prick,
you're not meeting Petey Brooks.
620
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:10,960
What?
621
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,600
Right, I'm going to the papers.
622
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:17,400
While you've been shopping,
I've had our IT team hack your phone.
623
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,760
Some very, very interesting stuff
in your search history.
624
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,960
No, that's... That's not mine.
I was, um...
625
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,560
We know every site you visited,
every single one.
626
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,880
So, if you don't want your mum
to find out what you've been up to,
627
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,400
you'll keep your mouth shut,
you little wanker.
628
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,880
Someone at school said it was funny,
and I only checked it out once.
629
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,320
- Please, you can't tell my mum.
- Take your shopping basket and fuck off!
630
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:47,880
That was amazing!
631
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:50,480
- I've done it before. Usually works.
- Amazing.
632
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,800
So, what kind of sites was he looking at?
633
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,800
Fucked if I know.
Have you met our IT department?
634
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,040
They can barely work a phone,
let alone hack one.
635
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,520
You bluffed him? Incredible.
636
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,720
The little shit must have thought
you knew about the bukkake videos.
637
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:04,760
I'm sorry?
638
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,920
Bukkake. Bukkake?
Yeah, he kept mentioning it.
639
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,600
- I don't know what you mean.
- Oh.
640
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,920
Well, bukkake is when multiple men, well,
641
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,600
unload their ejaculate simultaneously
onto a woman's face. Er...
642
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,920
Is that HR you're calling?
643
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,520
Bob, are you free?
644
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,040
Yeah, another octopus, I'm afraid.
645
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,000
Yes, yes, yes!
646
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,120
Ha-ha! Guess who's had a story
sold on them?
647
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,960
- And that's a good thing?
- Yes, sir. I'm money.
648
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,920
Read it out, then.
649
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,760
"Top Prem star Benji Achebe
lives with his mum and has..."
650
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,040
Nah...
651
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,560
"Top Prem star lives with his mom
and has a tiny penis."
652
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,640
(LAUGHTER)
653
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,800
Well, hey, listen, it's fake news, yeah?
My mum lives with me.
654
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,240
(LAUGHTER)
51337
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