All language subtitles for The First Team s01e02_English

Good work, mate.

Cryo-chamber for you.

- Go and get those muscles repaired.
- Yes, sir.

Jesus Christ! Martin!

- (STEAM HISSES)
- Oh! Medic! Medic!

Oh, someone get a medic! Paramedic!

Er... Blankets! Get me some blankets.
Quickly! (GASPS)

Hurry!

Kiss me, and I will fucking kill you!

Ah...

Absolutely timeless banter.

(LAUGHTER FADES)

You were like, "Medic!
Someone call a paramedic!"

I was all like that because it's the
appropriate response

when you find someone dying!

- "Help! Get some blankets!"
- Again, entirely appropriate response.

Just promise, if I ever collapse,
you won't try and kiss me?

OK. Well, that's CPR,
and you'll die if I don't.

Imagine getting mugged off by the kit man.

"Stay with me, Martin! Don't die on me.
Think of the shorts and socks!"

- I did not say one word of that.
- Mattie!

Oh, my days! Got you again!

Double pranks!

That wasn't a prank, was it?
You didn't get me.

- Why are you covered in water, then?
- I turned around

because someone shouted my name,
and that's what humans do.

You're as bad as the Frenchies.
I had some banter with them.

Next thing you know, I'm sent to HR.

What was the banter?

I called them stinking fucking frogs.

Bro, how do you keep falling for
these pranks?

- Don't reckon I could get you, then?
- Me? No way!

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- I just said yeah.

We'll see about that.

Well, you're fucked.

(CROWD ROARS)

COMMENTATOR: Agüero!

- (LAUGHS)
- I thought Martin had frozen to death!

- You're just annoyed you got done.
- Twice in a day.

It's no wonder we never win.

The...the pranks are killing team spirit.

They're nasty, there's always a victim...

- Yeah, you.
- (LAUGHS)

I just think someone's got to
try to bring this car crash

of a dressing room back together.

Good luck trying to get the team to bond
behind a bloke

who thinks the cryo-chamber
can freeze people.

It can freeze people, Benji.

- That's literally what it does.
- (PHONE VIBRATES)

- Who's that? Your mum?
- Nah, it's a girl.

I'm on that Tinder thing.

It's harder than I thought, though.
I've messaged a few girls,

but they expect you to ask questions
and be interested in the answers.

I think it's going all right
with this one, though.

Yeah? Let me see.

MATTIE: Have you said anything
other than hi?

- Nah.
- I'm not sure it's the best idea

for a professional footballer to be on
a public dating app.

Well, I haven't used me real name.

It makes me nervous about getting
recognised, and that.

But you've used your real photo
of yourself?

Well, yeah, cos I want women
to want me for the real me,

not cos I'm a rich footballer.

But you are a rich footballer.

Yeah, but they won't know that from
looking at the photo, will they?

Unless they know who you are,
in which case they will absolutely know.

This girl's pretty cool, man.

She writes all that tinkling music
for, like, yoga studios

and massage rooms, and that.

So she must be absolutely minted.

At least she won't be chasing you
for your money.

I'll play you some of her stuff,
if you want.

Siri, play Tinkly Girl playlist.

(ETHEREAL SINGING)

(TINKLING CHIMES)

(SCOFFS) Well, she's gonna be broke.

This is shit.

JONATHAN PEARCE: Another defeat,
and even worse news -

it looked like Carlos Velez
limped off injured.

Carlos Velez is injured?

Well, then we're fucked, aren't we?

Nice one!

This!

- This is what's wrong with the club.
- What, Carlos?

- Yeah, he's a weirdo.
- Or, to look at it another way,

Carlos Velez was voted
Player of the Season last year,

but now he's injured, he sits alone.
Why?

- Because he's a weirdo?
- No.

Because he's waiting for the physio?

No... Well, maybe.

It's because no-one cares about
team cohesion.

Because he's a weirdo!

Absolute bell-end.

- Beast of a midfielder, though.
- I mean, when he's fit, he's unstoppable.

No-one here even tries to get
to know each other.

There's no team spirit!

Oh, I'm superstitious, me.

I don't like hanging round the treatment
room in case I catch something.

What, like a torn hamstring?

Exactly.

You can't catch injuries, Jack.

Not all of them, anyway.

You can't catch any injuries.

Oh, come on, you must have
some superstitions.

- I honestly don't.
- I wash me hands before a game.

Hygiene, not superstition.

I've done it once before a game,
and the water felt nice.

Took the pressure off.

And we won.
So now I do it before every game.

Nando's cheesecake is another one.

What?

I have a Nando's cheesecake before games.

It's also a good one,
because I like cheesecake.

A whole cheesecake before a game?

Everyone has superstitions, bro.

Ohh!

Superstitions, is it?

Oh, I've got plenty of those.

I, um... I used to not have sex
with the wife the day before the game.

Now it's more like the week before.

And we have a game every week,

so I just literally never have sex.

Nah.

No, you're fine.

- Did you...? What?
- Huh? I didn't.

Nah. Don't mention.

Nothing.

Well, see you in a bit.

Chris...

Well, I'm glad Carlos is out for a bit,
to be fair.

He's absolutely mental in training.

Yeah. He's competitive.

Of course. We all are.

I think he just needs a friend.

And that's going to be you, is it?

Well, you gotta start somewhere.

BENJI: Well, I know where I'm starting.
Lunch!

Carlos! Hey!

Cómo estás?

Yo soy Mattie.

Mattie from America.

You probably knew that already.

How are you, man? How's it going?

I mean, you're injured. Sure.

Which is bad.

But it's getting better, right?

The old Achilles.

The great Achilles.

The beautiful youth, Achilles.

Have I ever told you how good a player
you are?

I wish I could be you.

You're a great tackler.

Obviously.

But I think you're more skilful than
you get credit for.

And you look good doing it.

I really like you.

As a player!

Cool. Good. Not weird chat.

Anyway, I was just wondering
if you wanted to hang out some time.

Just...trying to be friendly.

Hey!

Later, come to my house. We play pool.

Yes.

Yes, great!

Exactly. Yes!

All right.

You all right with this?

Yeah, bro.

Is this the prank?

Cos you're going to have to
do a whole lot better than this.

No, this is just a warm-up, mate.

I've got the Champions League final
of pranks lined up for you.

I mean, that guy is just unbelievable.

I'd be worried about spilling that...

...on my balls.

I think he's got a salad.

That long foreskin, though.

Could get some tuna stuck up there.

Pretty sure vinegar is more the enemy.

- All right?
- Course!

We were just bantering.

He's jokes.

Cos no-one's more fun than a bully.

You're the one who said get to know
your team-mates,

so while you've been hanging
with the freak,

me and the big man at the club
are getting tight.

Hey, Mattie!

Are yous going to wank it off
over his back later, then?

No. We're going to play some pool.

He's so weird, he's making you weird.

- Weirder.
- He's not weird.

He's just shy. Like Jack.

- What?
- Carlos is shy.

- He's not good with people. Like you.
- Is he winding me up?

- I'm not shy.
- Jack, come on, mate.

You don't use the phone because you
don't like talking to people.

- What if they say something?
- They will say something,

- cos it's a phone. That's its purpose.
- I'm thoughtful, not shy.

I'm not shy!

All right, fine, I'll prove it.

I'll ask that girl out now.
How shy is that?

That's what you do on dating apps.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Done!

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- And she said yeah straightaway.

"When should we go out?"

How about right now?

She said she can't do right now,
obviously,

as it's half-twelve on a Tuesday

and she's got a job.

Just say you can meet her later, then.

Nah, I'll leave that.

- It's a bit embarrassing.
- (BENJI TUTS)

(DOG BARKS)

Are you here for the dog shit?

- What?
- The dog shit.

- Are you here for it?
- No, I'm not here for the dog shit.

I'm here to play with Carlos...

I'm here to hang out with Carlos.

Shoes off.

(DOG BARKS)

(BARKS AND SNARLS)

Carlos!

- (SNARLS)
- Oh, fuck!

Jesus! Agh! Carlos!

Hey! Hey, man. Don't panic. He don't bite.

He is literally biting me right now.

He's mouthing, not biting.

Teeth are in the mouth.
Mouthing with teeth is biting.

Come on, don't be such a pussy.

- (IN SPANISH)
- (CLAPS HANDS)

- (GROANS)
- It's just a scratch.

You never play anyway. Come on, let's go.

(GROANS)

So you live here with just the dog
and your dad?

- Who?
- Your dad?

Oh, no, no, no. He's not my dad.

That's my owner.

What?

He owns me.

He really owns you?

Well, of course!

So, do you have any other friends
in England...

...apart from him?

He's not my friend.

He's my owner.

Sure.

- But no other ties?
- Well, yes.

- Business interests.
- Cool!

Cool. Like...like what?

I have a puppy farm down the road.

Farming and selling dogs for money,

that's my happiness.

- Cool. Cool stuff.
- Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to see my lizards?

I do!

But maybe we could play pool first?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Carlos, you need to get someone
to clean up the dog shit.

(CARLOS SCOFFS)

Oh, hello! Can you help me, please?

- No.
- Thank you.

I am lost and cannot find
the train station.

Look, it's that way. Keep walking and then
you ask someone else.

Oh. Thank you for your help!

I would love to give you payment, huh?

Ohh! Look at all this money I have.

- You don't need to pay me.
- No, no, no. I insist!

When I meet a young footballer like you,
Benji, who wants to help people,

I make sure they get rewarded
for that help.

You know my name?

Oh, hang on!

I can help you make a lot of money, huh?

Help you buy proper car,

not Ford Focus with mirror wrap.

Ah, here.

Ah, yeah.

Well, I'm usually at the training complex

if you want to give me more money
for no reason.

What a great club.

- Great players.
- Sure. Sure. Like...Petey Brooks?

Yeah?

Exactly.

See you soon...friend.

Yeah.

You're going to have to do way better
than that, Petey.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Come on!

(CARLOS LAUGHS)

That was weak!

Check this out.

(LAUGHS) Yes!

And I win...again. Please pay.

I never lose at pool.

Never. I mean, that is why I have taken
all your money, you know? I'm the best.

The very best.

Way better than you, of course.

Yeah!

Anyway, I should get back now, as my
foot's starting to hurt quite a bit.

Hey, no, no, no. It's only a scratch.

Yeah, but it's on my foot,

so, to be honest, I have a better idea
of the pain.

Or maybe you are a woman?

OK. You leave.

Just admit we were right. He's a freak.

Yes, he's different.

But we're all different.

He likes to play pool for money,

and doesn't always clear up
after his dog - so what?

Why not come and hang with me and Carlos
tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, sounds great.

A terraced house filled with dog shit?
Yes, please!

Well, firstly, his owner's getting someone
in to deal with the dog shit.

- His owner?
- And secondly,

you just don't want to come

because you're afraid that I'm actually
right, and he's a good guy.

I would come, but I've got a date with
Tinkly Girl tomorrow night.

Well, we're meeting up in the afternoon,
so you can make it.

- Bollocks.
- Come on, Benj.

- Is your foot bleeding?
- Oh, Jesus Christ!

Don't bring a fucking injury
into my house!

What are you doing? You haven't been
anywhere near my foot.

That's very disrespectful
of my superstitions.

It looks like it's got infected
with something.

- Dog shit.
- Sorry?

I got dog shit in it.

By accident. It wasn't a sex game.

Not for one second
did I think it was a sex game.

I'll get you some antibiotics, but you're
out for at least five days.

- Er, what?
- Hey!

My dog didn't bite him.

- Well, not intentionally.
- Not at all!

- Um...
- OK!

So, of course, you are coming to my house
after treatment?

Or...how about we go out?

Somewhere fun?

The puppy farm?

Yeah, maybe. Or somewhere else?

The lizards?

Where else could we go, I wonder?

Oh, I know!

Laser Quest!

We fight with light!

(LAUGHS)

Jack! Jack, mate, how are you?

Er...OK, yeah.

Great. Now, you've got to do me a favour,
me old mate.

Oh, I'm busy. We're meant to be going on
a Laser Quest with Mattie and Carlos.

Laser Quest? What are you, 20?

- I'm 21.
- No, listen, I need a favour.

It won't take a minute.

It's just through this door, OK?

You don't want to let me down, do you?

(LOCK CLICKS)

Go on, then. We're waiting.

Er...

Oh, right. Yeah. What for?

Petey said you're going to be talking us
through our next game,

as part of your FA coaching badge.

What?

(LAUGHTER OUTSIDE)

(GROANS)

What the fuck is this?

Oh, Petey, that's a good one.

I don't know why you're laughing, mate.
You're next.

- (GROANS)
- GIRL: That's disgusting.

Waste my time again and I'll destroy
your balls with a hammer!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Petey Brooks forced me to show some fat
bloke smashing himself in the balls

with a hammer to the ladies' team,
but yeah.

Right.

Well, we need to go.
Carlos doesn't like to wait.

All right. I'm nearly done.

- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Oh, shit.

I need to book somewhere for me date.

Do what I do.

Just walk in anywhere and tell them
who you are.

And then they'll get a table.

Best to be safe. I'll book somewhere
near the Laser Quest.

Ideal. There's a Frankie & Benny's
right across from it. Be all right.

You're taking a girl Frankie & Benny's
on a trading estate?

You've got no game!

Jack, I don't think a chain restaurant is
a great place to try to impress a girl.

That's cos you went to university
and you're a snob.

That's a fair point.

- Shit, you can't book online.
- Then call 'em.

Can you do it? 6pm for two.

Six? Six seems a bit early.

Yeah, but that way, if it goes badly,
I can get home and play Fortnite,

and if it goes well,

I can have sex and then go home
and play Fortnite.

(RINGING TONE)

So when there's a real space war,

as Asimov has predicted, those of us who
are used to handling laser weaponry

are going to have a huge advantage. Huge.
It's actually the closest thing

we can have to galactic combat.

Shut up!

Could you just stop your boring talk?

Yeah! No more talking!

Let's get going. This is gonna be fun!

OK. So these are your targets, guys,
here, on the chest.

These indicators on your shoulders will
flash red when you guys get hit.

Obviously, in a real situation,
if you got hit by a laser,

- you'd be completely disintegrated.
- Shut up!

OK. Not too scary for you?

- Laser Quest? I think I'm good.
- OK. Well, you will lose, for sure.

Mattie, my friend, you are with me. OK?

Of course, Carlos, my friend.

OK, guys, let's get in there. Let's play
some Laser Quest. You guys ready to go?

I really... Honestly, I really hope
you guys have a good time.

- Shut up!
- OK.

(ALARM BLARES)

If this is where Carlos hangs out,
I'm not surprised he's got no mates.

It's like playing hide-and-seek in
a fucking concussion.

I like shooting, to be fair.

Guns, laser, bow and arrow, whatever.

I know I shouldn't say this,
but guns are fun.

There should be more guns.

Can't wait till I can get a real laser.

So, you play a lot of Laser Quest
in Mexico?

Is it a big thing over there?

I can see them!

We can kill them!

Right. Cool. OK. Yeah.

Oh, no. Don't do that. It won't register
when you get hit.

Yes! We win.

I get that, but I think they might, you
know, maybe see that as cheating a bit.

Oh, no! Don't do that.

We attack, we win.

JACK: What's going on? It's not working.
I hit him! I hit him!

What the fuck...? Is yours working?

No!

- (LAUGHS MANICALLY)
- (LASER FIRES)

We win, Mattie.

Me and also you.

Again.

I mean, they obviously ripped off
Foundation.

You know, the empire?

Parsecs?

The hero's called Han? Hello?

Shut up.
Mattie, you coming back to my house?

Er, yeah. Yeah.

- I guess so.
- You guys can come too, of course.

We play pool for money.
For Mattie's money. (LAUGHS)

Nah, I've seen enough.

- Have fun.
- Yeah. I've got a date.

Oh, I hope you get to fuck.

Mattie, come on, let's go.

Hey.

- He's a prick, isn't he?
- Total fucking cheat.

Can't wait for him to be fit and back
in the first team, though.

Oh, amazing first touch.

(DOOR OPENS)

Benji!

No. No. Seriously?

Fancy seeing you here at this
out-of-town shopping centre! Huh?

I wonder how you knew I was going to
be at Laser Quest,

where I never go.

But Petey Brooks definitely knew
I was going.

Oh, I came here to go to Halfords -

somebody told me it's great for inner
tubes - and I bumped into you.

Course, mate.

- Coincidence.
- Maybe we can get a coffee together?

Huh, friend? There's a coffee shop
in Tesco's.

We've got a lot of serious talking to do.
Maybe you should buy me dinner?

Of course! Yes.

How about Frankie & Benny's?

Let's go.

- Hey, was it fun?
- No, we lost.

Ah...

# We are the best, we are the best

# Better than your old friends

# We are the best! #

Ah, Mattie.

You and I are a great team.

I can't wait till we're owned by
the same guy.

Like slave brothers?

Yes!

You owe be 30 bucks, by the way.

Come on, pay up.

Now set up the balls. We play again.

All or nothing.

So I can win it all!

Jack Turner!

Oh, my God! It's Jack Turner!

- Um...table booked.
- I saw the booking,

but it's quite a common name -
no offence - and I thought, "No way!

"No way.
He won't eat at Frankie & Benny's."

But you're here! Amazing!

Got a season ticket.

West stand. About four rows back.

Probably not see me, but I know you.

Um...

Yeah. Table's this way.

And there she is.

The very, very lucky lady.

- All right?
- Oh, my God! It really is you!

You're a fan too, then?

My whole family.
We even go to the under-23 games.

Oh, I thought it was you on the app,

and then I thought, "No, it can't be!"

It is you, isn't it?

Of course it is. Look at the tracksuit.

Oh, can I get a pic for Insta?

- Can I wash me hands?
- Oh, just a quick one!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh... Can you smile?

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

How'd you know it was me on the app?

There was a picture of your face.

Shit, yeah. Course.

I might just wash me hands.

No, no, no. Sit down.

So, I represent some people.

Important people.

Rich people. And they like you.

- Yeah? That's nice of them.
- Yes!

And they're playing a long game.

They think you've a bright future,
that you'll be a big star in football.

I'm trying.

My friends, they are nice people.

They sound nice.

- Suspiciously nice.
- Very nice.

And sometimes, you know,

in return, they ask for small things.

Oh, right. What kind of things?

Small things.

Easy things.

Give away a throw-in, get a yellow card.

And maybe you can talk to Jack Turner,
your friend.

He does the same -

suddenly you two are earning even more
money than your team-mates.

And you deserve it.

OK. Sounds like a plan. Count me in.

And Jack. And the new guy - Mattie.

And maybe we could get Petey Brooks
involved too?

That would be wonderful.

You are a generous man.

But these are serious people.

You don't joke with them.

No. Of course not.

No pranks.

Tell your friends
I'm 100% down with their plan.

Fantastic.

So...

...do you go out much?

- Out me house?
- Yeah.

- No.
- (BENJI LAUGHS)

All right? How's this
little romantic dinner going?

- Jack talking your ear off, I bet?
- Excuse me!

This is private.

I'm his mate. His team-mate. Benji Achebe?

Never heard of you.

Well, I am his team-mate.

- Yes.
- You obviously don't play that often,

because I'm a massive fan,
and I'd recognise you.

One day, you will. You will one day.

Well, yeah, because now I've met you!

No. I mean,
because I've got a bright future.

Sorry to bother you -
could we get a selfie?

Yeah, sure.

Just for when you get really famous.

Oh, we can't all fit in.
Can you take it for us?

Fuck right off. See you later, J.

Jack?

Jack?

Jack.

JACK: Er, yeah, I know, yeah.
I'm really sorry about that.

Yeah. Um...

No, it wasn't a great pass, no,
but...yeah.

I told you it was him!

Yeah. He says he's on the bench
this weekend.

I'm going to call Uncle Neil now.

You don't mine one more, do you?

- Right, Uncle Neil!
- Er, no,

but I have really got to go to the toilet.

Uncle Neil?

Did Dad tell you?

Yeah. No, he'll be back in a minute.

(DOOR OPENS)

Jack?

Um, Emily, your date.

She wants to know if you're coming out.

Er, yeah, I'll be out in a minute.

I'm just washing me hands.

Is that all the money you have?

I mean, of course, I can lend you some.

You pay me back,
because I'm about to win again.

Yes!

Fuck you! You potted the black! I win!
I win. Fuck you!

No, I pot the stripe and then the black.
I win.

Oh, come off it, mate. You know the rules.

I thought you were my friend, Mattie.

What the fuck? You come into my house
and try to steal from me?

You lost! Just accept it.

- No.
- What's going on?

He stole my money.

- What?
- Yeah.

- You give that back.
- No, it's mine. I won it,

just like he's won hundreds off me.

You didn't win nothing. You're a thief.

I'm sad.

I had all the papers drawn up for me
to own you, but now...

...I'm not sure.

Oh, no!

I'm so gutted I'm not going to be owned by
some fucking nutcase pimp

whose other property - Carlos -
cheats at Laser Quest

and farms dogs! So thanks for the money,
glad you got all the shit cleared up.

Well, most of it, anyway. And goodbye!

No! No! I'm...I'm keeping the money. I'm
keeping the money! I'm keeping the money!

I have the money.

Just washing his hands? Fuck off!

- I promise you.
- Liar!

You snuck him out the back
cos he didn't fancy me. Well,

you're getting a fucking shit

- Tripadvisor review!
- No, no.

- My boss loves that site.
- Fuck you!

Um...Jack?

We're sort of shut now.

Been shut about an hour.

Can you leave, mate?

Shit!

Um... Yeah, course. Sorry.

Oh, great.

Sorry.

So, do you think you might get to play
Saturday? It's a big game.

ANDY JACOBS: Some news coming out of the
club about Carlos Velez.

PAUL HAWKSBEE: He doesn't seem very happy,
does he, Carlos?

(CARLOS MUTTERS IN SPANISH)

You can tell him I speak enough Spanish
to know what he means.

(MIMICS MATTIE)

Mattie?

Can I have a word outside?

Of course. What's up?

If I could tell you in here, we wouldn't
need to go outside, would we?

He wants to leave?

You don't need to read it all.

Carlos is a very important player for us.

I agree.

I've been saying this. I've tried to
make him feel more included.

Well, you haven't succeeded, cos his agent
has handed in a transfer request.

I think you mean his owner.

He mentioned you were
culturally insensitive.

He has a puppy farm!

It's exactly that kind of thing
he's talking about.

- And he's a cheat.
- And that!

I was just trying to make friends
with him,

to bring the team closer together.

Well, I'd like you to stop doing that.

- Great.
- Thank you.

- Jack, how was your date?
- Not bad.

I can never go back to Frankie & Benny's,

and Emily's got me banned from Tinder
for lying about my identity.

Yeah. I think you're better off without.
I didn't like her.

She seemed ignorant of talent.

How's Carlos?

Leaving the club. Because of me.

So we were right! He's a weirdo.

- Yeah.
- Say it.

You were right. Carlos is a weirdo.

Decent midfielder, though.

- Unbelievable touch.
- Right.

Well, that's me done with making friends.

Huh. Lucky you got us, then,
because I'm about to cheer you right up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm going to turn the tables on
Petey Brooks big time.

Yeah. He's been playing this massive prank
with this Malaysian businessman,

and I've been playing along.

- Is that sensible?
- Yes, cos I'm going to tell Petey

that I've rumbled him
and I've reported him to the FA. (LAUGHS)

This is going to be mad.

Ah, Petey Brooks!

Good to see you.

I've got some bad n...

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Oh, fuck me! That was amazing!

Oh, my God! The state of you!

Took us all week to rig that,
but that was well worth it.

Got you. Capital P for pranked.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

This was the prank?

What do you think it is,
a birthday card?

This is the prank?
This is how you got me?

Are you blind as well as stupid?
Everyone is pissing themselves.

Totally got ya.

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Mate, he got you there.

It's been a good week, hasn't it?

It could get worse.

I've agreed to match-fix with a Malaysian
crime syndicate!

And I've said you two will help!

I'm just going to wash me hands.