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1
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And after their disappointing results
2
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:07,800
thus far this season,
3
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,040
legendary manager Cesare
4
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,280
is certainly under pressure to deliver.
5
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,840
JONATHAN PEARCE: One of the greatest
managers of our time, of course,
6
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:15,640
but it's been a while
since he's won anything.
7
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:17,360
GARY LINEKER: Well, if his team
carry on performing like that,
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00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:21,680
the next thing Cesare will write
in that famous notebook is his memoirs.
9
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:22,920
Why haven't the club made one signing?
10
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,560
Not one signing!
11
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,320
The transfer window closes in five hours.
12
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,680
We're getting the news that one late move
13
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:29,720
may be happening.
14
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,640
Have they? Yes. Who? Who?
15
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,560
Nah, must be a mistake, bruv.
16
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,400
This could be them now.
17
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,720
No, I don't recognise them. False alarm.
18
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,680
Er, it's a dream come true.
19
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,480
But a surprise, for sure.
20
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:49,560
Total shock.
21
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,120
I can't think of another player
who has made a leap like this
22
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,320
and I can't wait to meet Cesare
and ask him what he was thinking.
23
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:56,400
DOCTOR: Cough.
24
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,280
(COUGHS)
25
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,560
Cough.
26
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,720
(COUGHS)
27
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,000
Right, cough.
28
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,040
(COUGHS)
29
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,240
(GRUNTS)
30
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,040
Is everything all right, Doctor?
31
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,800
I have to pass this medical.
32
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,960
I need you to cough again -
this time while I hold your penis.
33
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,480
Cough.
34
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,560
Mattie Sullivan, our new signing.
How are you doing?
35
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,920
Sorry, could you give us a minute, please?
36
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,240
Oh, that's fine, I don't mind.
37
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,280
Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons, right?
38
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,560
- Er...er, jumbotrons?
- Jumbotrons.
39
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,240
Big screens at the stadium.
40
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,600
We're building the biggest jumbotron
in the world.
41
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,760
It's expensive,
hence no marquee signings this year,
42
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,640
but we will have a jumbotron
bigger than the pitch.
43
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:40,800
Bigger than the pitch?
44
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,360
Biggest in the world.
45
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:43,840
Bigger than life-size.
46
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,000
Why would you need that?
47
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:51,800
A jumbotron bigger than the pitch...
above one of the stands.
48
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:56,360
OK, there's the actual pitch and then
a slightly bigger version of the pitch
49
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,840
showing the same game...just above it?
50
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,200
I knew you'd get it.
51
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,520
Well, come see me in my office after this.
We'll get you signed...
52
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,000
...if you pass.
53
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:09,440
If you fail, then I guess this is goodbye.
54
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,200
Cough.
55
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,280
COMMENTATOR: Agüero!
56
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,640
Well, no, I'd not heard of him either.
57
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:31,720
American. Yeah.
58
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,400
Well, you know, raise the profile,
sell some shirts back home.
59
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:36,440
Exactly.
60
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,480
Yeah.
61
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,320
(LAUGHS) Well, he might suck, yeah.
62
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,680
I know.
63
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,320
All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom.
64
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,720
OK. Let's get you signed.
65
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,520
Oh, is the manager not going to be here,
Mr Crane?
66
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,200
Oh, please call me Mr Chairman.
67
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,600
Sadly, no.
68
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,120
Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager,
won't be present.
69
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:57,800
- Oh.
- OK.
70
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,760
Sign here, here and here, please.
71
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:05,560
Wow, I've got to say, when I heard there
was an American international available,
72
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:06,600
I jumped at the chance.
73
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,560
Oh, I don't play for the US national team.
74
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,000
US men's team.
75
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,320
You play for the US men's team.
76
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,840
No, I haven't been selected...yet!
77
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:23,600
So I just signed an American
who's not even an international?
78
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,920
Yeah, Danielle, can you get me Jonathan?
79
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,800
Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan.
80
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:54,920
Thank you.
81
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,200
OK, Mattie, well, I've got
some urgent legal stuff to deal with,
82
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,760
so I will see you tomorrow...
83
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,400
...maybe.
84
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,680
- Yes!
- Benjamin, are you messaging
85
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,000
- those pornographic women again?
- She's an influencer.
86
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,040
It's pornography. Look at this girl.
87
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,480
Filthy and dirty.
Think of what you could catch.
88
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,040
Are you listening to me?
89
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,520
You only work one hour a day.
Still you're going to be late.
90
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,960
You could have been a doctor.
Why are you not a doctor?
91
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,840
Oh, come on. Get out of here.
92
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,520
If I slap you.
93
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,360
Bye, Mum. Love you.
94
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:44,840
(GASPS)
95
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,440
- CHILD OPPONENT: Suck my dick.
- Just press the button, will you?
96
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,400
- Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm going.
- Nah, come on, mate.
97
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,880
- It's only 3-0. I can get this back.
- Nah, I've got to get to school.
98
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,800
- Shit, what time's it?
- 8.50.
99
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,760
Ah, you're joking! I'm late for work.
100
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,680
- You've got a job?
- Yeah, and I'm here in my pants.
101
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,800
You're a grown-up
and you're in your pants? Mum!
102
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,680
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
103
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,960
(SIREN WAILS)
104
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,600
Oh, no way, man.
105
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,120
Whose car's this?
106
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,120
- It's mine.
- Is it fuck?
107
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,040
- Why'd you stop me?
- Because we can
108
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,560
and because your car is blinding peop...
109
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:44,680
Wait a minute.
110
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,280
Are you Benji Achebe?
111
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,840
Y-Yeah.
112
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,640
(LAUGHS) I knew it.
113
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:51,920
Take a look at this.
114
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,640
I've had a season ticket for 20 years.
115
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,640
(LAUGHS) So cool to meet you, mate.
116
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,200
He's not a fan.
117
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,320
He thinks we're shit.
118
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,080
"Yeah, Cesare used to be good,
but what's he won recently?"
119
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,240
That's what you say, innit?
120
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,680
"Coming sixth for eight years
isn't a trophy," that's what he says.
121
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,160
(LAUGHS) Prick.
122
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,720
Bro, I'm gonna be late for training.
123
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,240
Yeah, we just need to see your insurance,
please.
124
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,560
Yeah, we will need to see your insurance.
125
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,680
Look, the thing is, I haven't got
insurance for this exact car.
126
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,000
I mean, at my age,
it's so expensive, it's a crime.
127
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,040
Hey, that's what you
should be investigating.
128
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,160
- Ha-ha, no doubt.
- Yeah.
129
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,120
So, we can work this out, huh?
130
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,440
Why don't I get you a couple
of tickets to the game Saturday?
131
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,960
As my guest.
132
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,400
Get a bit of VIP treatment.
133
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,880
- I would love that.
- Yeah, it would be decent, actually.
134
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,200
Be good to watch you lose.
135
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,680
What's he like?
136
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,560
All right. Sweet. No problem.
137
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,720
I'll leave the tickets
and the passes at the box office.
138
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,520
Yeah, well, you can't drive the car.
139
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,280
- What?
- Benji!
140
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,920
You haven't got any insurance.
141
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,920
So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press,
which encompasses a number of things.
142
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,840
Obviously, you need to clear it with me
143
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,240
before you speak to any journalists,
but I'll also be your best friend, Mattie.
144
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,640
- I'll do anything for you.
- Thank you. Thanks.
145
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,400
I was really hoping that...
146
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,800
But one day I will stab you in the back.
147
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,480
You can trust me entirely.
148
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,960
My door is always open.
149
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,160
I'm here for you.
150
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,120
You mentioned backstabbing.
151
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:19,160
But know this -
152
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,480
I work for the club and if, for example,
they want me to turn the fans against you,
153
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:24,720
I'll do it immediately.
154
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,120
And you're here to welcome me?
155
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,280
I am.
156
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,400
Any questions?
157
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,240
Will Cesare be at the press conference?
158
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,840
Press conference for what?
159
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,600
My signing. Me signing for the club.
160
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:35,920
Oh, there isn't one.
161
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,000
Really? Why not?
162
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,240
Don't think anyone would come, do you?
163
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,160
You came back, which is brave.
164
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:47,280
Oh, Chris, can you show
our new signing, as of now, around?
165
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,920
This is Chris Booth.
He's our Head of Press.
166
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,120
Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows that.
167
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,760
- Er, Chris, this is...
- Mattie. Mattie Sullivan.
168
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,880
- Yeah, great to meet you.
- Great to meet you too.
169
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,520
Oh, great to meet you.
170
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,560
Oh, just said that, didn't I?
171
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:00,640
Wally.
172
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,400
Well, what a treat, eh?
173
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,520
Our young signing from America.
174
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,960
He's not an American international.
175
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:14,080
Jonathan, thank God.
Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me.
176
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,400
Right, well, let's show you around
the training facility, shall we?
177
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,760
Oh, this is where the kit man is.
178
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,360
He's a great guy.
179
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:23,880
Fuck off.
180
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,080
And this is the car park.
181
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,560
Lots of cars here.
182
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,240
All making sense so far?
183
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,560
Yep, it's the car park.
184
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,560
Chris, I've not met Cesare yet
and I'm just getting a bit worried.
185
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,280
Do you know why he signed me?
186
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,320
I imagine cos you're bloody brilliant,
aren't you?
187
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,680
I don't know.
188
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,560
Am I good enough for this level?
189
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:48,920
Mattie, do you know
what they say about here?
190
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:51,720
No?
191
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,440
Trust in Cesare.
192
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,200
Trust...in Cesare.
193
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,040
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, he's meticulous, right?
194
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,880
Those books that he writes in,
the hundreds of notes he takes all game -
195
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,560
I imagine you've learned
so much from them.
196
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,040
Nah, never seen them.
197
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,280
The boss, he keeps his notes
very close to his chest.
198
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,240
Such an enigma.
But I owe that man everything.
199
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,880
When my knee injury ended my career,
he got me straight on the coaching staff.
200
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,200
It's bloody hard work, though, coaching.
201
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,400
My wife's not happy.
202
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:18,560
Hardly ever sees me.
203
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,000
Or maybe she's happier.
204
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,680
Ahh...
205
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,480
(SIGHS) Every marriage has
its ups and downs, doesn't it?
206
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,200
Oh, I'd better go and deal with this.
207
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:38,720
The dressing rooms are over there. Great
bunch of pros. Like...(GRUNTS) ...banter.
208
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,240
Hey, guys.
209
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,320
Mattie Sullivan.
210
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,040
Just saying.
211
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,760
From Sporting Kansas.
212
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,400
It's in the MLS. The American league.
213
00:09:58,440 --> 00:09:59,920
You guys know what the MLS is.
214
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,400
- Great.
- (PLAYERS SPEAK FRENCH)
215
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,280
Ah!
216
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,520
Bonjour. Vous êtes français?
217
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:08,840
Je m'appelle Mattie.
218
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,840
I just picked up a few words in every
language - just a way to make friends.
219
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,560
(PLAYERS LAUGH)
220
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,880
(PLAYERS SPEAK FRENCH)
221
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,600
Well, I guess I'd better find a spot,
then.
222
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,360
Don't sit there. That's Carlos' place.
223
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,120
Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.
224
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,080
- Alors! Non, non, pas là.
- OK. Right, right, right.
225
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,800
Er...
226
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,120
- No!
- OK. Oh, OK. OK.
227
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,760
Sit here, mate. No-one sits here.
228
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,600
Oh. Thanks.
229
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,920
(SHOUTS) That's my fucking seat!
230
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,440
Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there.
231
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,160
Read my lips.
232
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,320
That is my seat.
233
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,800
Don't have to read your lips, cos I can
hear the noise your mouth is making.
234
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,760
Are you disrespecting me?
235
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,560
Is that what you're doing?
236
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:02,560
No, but it's a little bit hard to take you
seriously, as you are completely naked.
237
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,720
Yeah, what's funny about that? My dick?
238
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:05,960
No, course not.
239
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,680
You steal my seat, then laugh at my dick.
240
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,600
I've got a very long foreskin.
241
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,160
Is that funny?
242
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,760
No, I didn't know that.
Do you want me to look?
243
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,520
Do I want you to look at my dick?
244
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,000
This is banter, right?
245
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,920
- Is this banter?!
- (CHOKES)
246
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,960
Ah, stop mucking about, you two.
Come on. Let's get out there.
247
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,360
Mattie, come on.
Don't want to be late on day one.
248
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,720
Er...er, Petey.
249
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,680
(MATTIE COUGHS)
250
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,040
Don't tell me what to do.
251
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,800
You didn't when we played together.
Don't now.
252
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,560
Priceless. Don't change, Petey.
253
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:53,280
FAN: No, listen, right? Results are
terrible and they finish training at 12.
254
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,320
What do they do all day? Train more.
255
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,760
- And what if they get injured?
- Don't get injured.
256
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,840
FAN: I wouldn't mind doing a job where
I do half a day's work on their wages.
257
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:06,560
Excuse me! Jack!
258
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,320
Now, come on, mate, please. I need them.
259
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,520
Then buy your own.
260
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:11,880
You've got the money.
261
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,600
- Everything OK?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
262
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:16,640
He caught me.
263
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,680
- You were stealing toilet paper.
- Borrowing.
264
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,560
I'm not sure you can borrow toilet paper.
265
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,240
Have you not got any at home?
266
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,880
No, I don't buy it. It's embarrassing,
innit? What if someone saw me?
267
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,640
They might think that, like every
other human on Earth, you excrete.
268
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,600
Exactly. Embarrassing.
269
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,680
Jack, are you telling me you've never
bought toilet paper, not even online?
270
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,760
Oh, mate, that's way worse.
271
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,760
A stranger coming to your house
with a big box of shit paper.
272
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,280
This might seem like a weird question
as we've just met,
273
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,040
but where are you pooing, then, Jack?
274
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,400
Er, usually at work.
275
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,480
Sometimes I use the disabled bogs for
a treat, but I weren't feeling it today.
276
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,920
OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line here,
but do you want me to help you,
277
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,400
a grown man, buy some toilet paper?
278
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,960
Yeah.
279
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,400
Yeah, you can do, if you like.
280
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,200
Me car's parked in the car park.
281
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,960
And this is the car park.
282
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,720
- Yo, Jack!
- Yes, mate.
283
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,440
Got a spare ticket for Saturday?
I need one.
284
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,040
Both of mine are going free.
285
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,680
- I don't have anyone to...
- Nice one. Cheers.
286
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,720
Going to show this Instagram hottie
the time of her life.
287
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,040
What have you done with your tickets?
288
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,080
Gave them to the Old Bill.
289
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,800
- Charity?
- Sort of.
290
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,240
What are you doing now, then? Mum's not
picking me up for the next three hours.
291
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,080
- Oh, your mom still picks you up?
- She's normally more reliable than this.
292
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,600
- Why not get an Uber?
- I can't, because...
293
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,120
And it's so unfair... They won't
pick me up, cos my rating's so low.
294
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,760
I've never heard of that.
295
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,240
I book the car, right?
296
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,200
So for that amount of time, that's my car.
297
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,240
If I get caught short
and I need to piss in a car,
298
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,920
in a bottle, then that's my car.
299
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,880
I can piss. It's not like I'm trying to
spill any. I barely spilled any.
300
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,560
- OK. I'm Mattie, by the way.
- I know.
301
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,520
The only player
who signed in the transfer window.
302
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,160
So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?
303
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,760
Yeah, yeah, just going
to go to the cash-and-carry.
304
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,200
Mattie's going to help me
buy my first-ever bog roll.
305
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,160
I hate this. It's so embarrassing.
306
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,400
Bro, stealing toilet paper from work
to wipe your cheeks
307
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,720
has got to be more embarrassing.
308
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,480
I can't imagine doing this all the time.
309
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,560
Which is why we're going to buy you enough
toilet paper to last until you're 30,
310
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,040
by which time, I assume,
you'll be married.
311
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,920
- Hope so.
- So you're now, what, 21?
312
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,560
- Yeah, just.
- So that's nine years.
313
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:17,000
52 weeks in a year.
Let's say two rolls a week. 104.
314
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,440
104 times 9. What's that?
315
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,760
Joking, aren't you?
316
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,600
It's 936. So all you need to do
is buy 936 rolls.
317
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,120
- Fine, just be quick.
- Bro, this is tragic.
318
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,880
I'm glad my new girlfriend
don't shop here.
319
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,240
You got a girlfriend, Mattie?
320
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,320
- Me? No.
- Single, yeah?
321
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:32,440
Playa!
322
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,160
So when was the last time
you got some action, then?
323
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:38,440
Well, if by action you mean sex,
then, I guess, probably 2017.
324
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,200
- What?!
- The year 2017.
325
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,120
- Yeah.
- So you're a virgin?
326
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:43,920
No, because I've had sex.
327
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,000
But it's been so long,
328
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,280
- you're basically a virgin.
- Not really.
329
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,480
It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.
330
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:49,840
Or born-again virgin.
331
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,600
It's a self-imposed dry patch.
332
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,400
I've been focusing on my career.
333
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,360
- Jack Turner?
- Er, yeah.
334
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,160
I saw you play the other day
against Sunderland in the cup.
335
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,440
- Yeah.
- You were absolutely diabolical.
336
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,360
You strolled around, half-arsing tackles.
337
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,000
You don't care about the club,
about the badge.
338
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,880
You lot, you just get it handed to you -
massive wages, easy life.
339
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,600
Turn up...not bothered.
340
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,280
You, sir, have no idea
what you're talking about.
341
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,360
I've supported this team for 25 years.
342
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,600
I have watched and suffered
as people like him destroy this club.
343
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:23,840
You've suffered?
344
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:24,840
- Mmm.
- You've suffered?
345
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,720
For years, Jack Turner has woken up
at six in the morning to train,
346
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,720
muscles aching from the day before.
347
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,320
Most men his age are out drinking,
eating junk food, having fun.
348
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,600
But every night he goes to bed sober.
349
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,560
He sacrifices a normal life
to entertain you.
350
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:43,000
Yes, he gets paid well, but his career
could be ended by one bad tackle,
351
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,560
and he has to take abuse from fans
even when he's out buying...
352
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,400
936 rolls of toilet paper.
353
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,680
...936 rolls of toilet paper.
354
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:55,280
I can guarantee Jack wants to win more
than you, more than any supporter,
355
00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:00,240
because for him it's not just
entertainment, it's his whole life.
356
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,240
You were still shit.
357
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,040
What a prick.
358
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,160
- Yeah, fair comment, though.
- What?
359
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,920
Was shit in that game, like.
I'd been up all night playing Fortnite.
360
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,360
FAN: Oh, my God. Look, look, look.
361
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,320
- Over there.
- Oh, my God.
362
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,320
Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.
363
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:28,360
No way, Jack.
364
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,400
- Are you in the team Saturday?
- Yeah.
365
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,560
Wait, what's with all the toilet roll,
Jack?
366
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,000
Have you got a bum problem, Jack?
367
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,760
Yeah, have you got a bum problem, Jack?
368
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,240
What do you need all this for?
You got poo problems?
369
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,040
- Oh, no, he's going to poo himself.
- Look at... (LAUGHS)
370
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,240
Oh, he's embarrassed.
371
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,840
- (FANS LAUGH)
- Fucking told you.
372
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,320
Gonna poo himself!
373
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,360
- That's exactly what I was worried about.
- Come on.
374
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,760
Who cares? They're just kids.
375
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,680
Kids who think you've got a bum problem,
which is embarrassing.
376
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,640
- They filmed it too. Oh, no!
- Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.
377
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,080
You poo, everyone poos. It's not weird.
378
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:09,120
It's not like you're Petey
and you've got a windsock for a foreskin.
379
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,080
Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
and just ask them not to share it.
380
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:21,360
OK, well, probably haven't got
that many followers anyway.
381
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,600
(CAR HORN BLARES)
382
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,880
Whoa! Nice house, Jack.
383
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,600
You just move in?
384
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,040
Yeah, about two years ago.
385
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,120
Oh, shit. I'd best text the landlord.
386
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,680
To change a light bulb?
387
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:49,840
Yeah, course.
388
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,800
Can I get a glass of water?
389
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,320
Water in the tap.
390
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,280
- No glasses?
- No.
391
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,640
This is what you guys do all day?
392
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,040
- Play PlayStation?
- Normally, yeah.
393
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,920
Well, in Kansas,
they'd fill our time for us,
394
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,320
like we'd have
double training sessions or study.
395
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,960
Of course, we do a lot of charity work.
396
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,880
We do charity stuff all the time.
397
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,200
Always visiting the kids at the hospital.
398
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,200
I swear I know every single sick kid
within 50 miles.
399
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,000
The maddest thing is,
they only care about the star names.
400
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,440
They don't care
about up-and-coming talent.
401
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,440
Last time I went, that kid
literally rolled his eyes at me.
402
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:29,640
I think that was a seizure.
403
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:34,200
- Yeah.
- My days! You're butters on this, Jack.
404
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,880
- Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.
- Fuck me,
405
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,640
you're slow!
I mean, you are slow but not that slow.
406
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,600
Yeah, so slow I made the squad
for the game tomorrow and you never.
407
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,760
Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting
in the stands
408
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,600
if I'm sitting next
to a smoking-hot Instachick.
409
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,120
Wow, she is so disproportionately
attractive compared to you.
410
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,920
Yeah, at the game
she'll get the full VIP treatment
411
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,400
and then after the game she'll get
the full V-I-penis treatment.
412
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:57,560
Round your mum's house?
413
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:58,920
No. No, no, no. No.
414
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,280
Getting some fresh wheels delivered
tomorrow.
415
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,560
Going to drive her home. Perfect gent.
416
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,360
And then she's going to be like,
"Want to come in for some coffee, Benji?"
417
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,960
I'm going to be like,
"Only if it's decaf, babes.
418
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,720
"Sleep's important for recovery."
419
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,640
And then she's going to be like,
"I meant come in for sex."
420
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,520
Then I'm going to say,
"Don't mind if I do, babes.
421
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,080
"Don't mind if I do."
422
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,360
And there you have it.
423
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,880
A night of Mum-free sex.
424
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,720
As opposed to the usual Mum-included sex?
425
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,800
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you guys something,
426
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,760
and don't take this as a weakness
on my part,
427
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:35,120
but do you think that Cesare
might have signed me by mistake?
428
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,840
Don't know. I mean, how shit are you?
429
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:37,920
Tricky for me to answer.
430
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,240
I mean, I am a professional footballer,
so there's that.
431
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,080
Maybe the scouts see something.
Check his stats on FIFA.
432
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,160
Kansas.
433
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,000
Oh, they're bad.
434
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,280
Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are you?
435
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,760
No, you're not there. No card.
436
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,400
What? Must be an old version.
437
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,280
- It's FIFA 20.
- Or you haven't updated it yet.
438
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,320
Updated it this morning.
439
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,680
You don't exist on FIFA?
Is that even possible?
440
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,800
- I think I really need to talk to Cesare.
- Yes!
441
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,120
- Bow! Top bins!
- Oh, come on, just press the button.
442
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,080
No, I need to see the replay
and the full celebration.
443
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,360
Just press it, will you?
444
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,600
Yeah. Tomorrow.
445
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,360
REPORTER: Huge game for Cesare's men
446
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:18,080
if they want to avoid losing
four home games on the bounce.
447
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,680
FAN: We've got to win this.
448
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,320
Every game is huge for us now.
449
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,640
It's a must-win.
450
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,080
Come on, boys. Come on!
451
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:25,560
Ref?!
452
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,680
You knobhead.
453
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:34,000
- Can you see what Cesare's doing?
- Yes, managing a team. It's a match.
454
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:38,160
Those notes in those books. God, I would
love to know what he's writing in them.
455
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,840
"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan -
he's not even on FIFA."
456
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,560
Did you guys have to wear uniform?
Looks like I'm on day release.
457
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,680
We're skiving off. Don't tell anyone.
458
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,560
Jack, get stripped. You're on.
459
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,400
- Yes, go on, boy.
- Yes, Jack.
460
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,480
Whoo!
461
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,120
Come on, Jack!
462
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,360
ANNOUNCER: Coming on,
number 16, Jack Sullivan.
463
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,600
(APPLAUSE)
464
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:14,320
REPORTER: Jack Turner, just on, and his
first touch is to take this corner.
465
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,040
FANS: Ohhh
466
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,960
He shits when he wants
467
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,480
He shits all the time
468
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,320
Jack Turner
469
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,560
What's wrong with his arse?
470
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,640
Bog roll, bog roll
471
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,760
Bog roll
472
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,520
Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll...
473
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,120
(REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS)
474
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,520
REPORTER: And the fans must be wondering
what's happening at this club.
475
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,640
What's one more loss, eh?
476
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,320
I genuinely hate this team.
477
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:46,160
We go again! Come on!
478
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,400
Er, guys, is the boss here?
479
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,200
Ow! Fu...
480
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,120
Did you tell some kids
I've got a long foreskin?
481
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,080
Yes, to illustrate a point.
482
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,240
I can't really...
483
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,720
At least you're not naked this time.
484
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,520
- Ugh!
- Stop looking at my foreskin.
485
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,080
Nah, come on, Petey, leave him.
486
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,760
I want you out! You're bad luck!
487
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,640
Where's Mattie?
488
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,360
He's hiding in the cupboard.
489
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,120
Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled.
Not your foreskin, obviously -
490
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,560
that would take too long.
491
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,720
Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you.
492
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,200
I'm sorry, the kids said they'd share
the video about Jack,
493
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,880
but I didn't know they'd mention
Petey's foreskin. Please don't be angry.
494
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,640
I am angry about that, but it can wait.
Now you've got to see the boss.
495
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:38,800
I'm scared of Petey.
496
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,200
(LAUGHTER)
497
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:41,440
I'll look after you.
498
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:42,840
You said you would stab me in the back.
499
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,400
Oh, I will, but not right now.
500
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,920
(LAUGHTER)
501
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,880
There's my big brave boy. Come on.
502
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,920
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Signor Cesare?
503
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,320
Hey, Mattie.
504
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:02,440
Mattie, come.
505
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,160
Have a glass.
506
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,720
Enjoy with me.
507
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,960
It's OK.
508
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,320
You're a good boy.
509
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,000
Values.
510
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,240
Sorry?
511
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,160
Values, Mattie.
512
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:21,200
When I come to England, I respect values.
513
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:22,960
I build.
514
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,040
I succeed...I think. Do you think?
515
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,600
Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.
516
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,160
- Hmm.
- Yeah. Your teams have been amazing.
517
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,720
As a kid, I dreamt of playing for you.
518
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,680
I nearly fainted when my agent told me
about your interest.
519
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:39,920
Yes, yes, always before...manager come,
"Have a glass of Barolo," but now,
520
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:44,200
"Hey, shut up, old wop prick!"
for 90 minuto.
521
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,160
Then cry with press if I don't shake hand.
522
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:48,800
Then fuck off home!
523
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,680
I'm not wop prick.
524
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,000
They prick.
525
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,760
Like I said, I always dreamt
of playing for you.
526
00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,440
Never really thought I had what it took
to play Cesare-ball.
527
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,000
But you must have seen something.
528
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,400
Yes. You come from Academy.
529
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,560
Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was just
signed from Kansas this week.
530
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:08,720
Yes?
531
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,120
- Yes.
- Oh.
532
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,760
Something I remember,
something I don't remember.
533
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,360
Too many things
to write down all the time.
534
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:18,760
Well, you're famous for it.
535
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,480
I mean, all those notes
over all those years.
536
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,800
- And I hope to coach one day and...
- Hey, Mattie,
537
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:29,800
if you speak this much,
I sit down, I get comfortable, huh?
538
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,480
You are a smart boy.
539
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,840
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Please, please sit down, erm...
540
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,280
I do have one question for you, though.
541
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,520
Kind of a big question for me.
542
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,840
Why did you sign me?
543
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:48,920
Wasn't to sell shirts, was it?
544
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:51,280
No, I'm sure it wasn't.
And you wouldn't even think like that.
545
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,760
I'm just such a left-field choice, and...
Sorry.
546
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:58,000
I didn't mean to ask. I'm just nervous
and-and out of my depth.
547
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:01,080
Or not. Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe I was a stats decision.
548
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,000
But then I'm not even on FIFA, so how did
you find me and what did you see in me?
549
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,000
Why did you want me?
550
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,400
I fucked up.
551
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,800
I'm sorry.
552
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,240
How can I ask a legend like you
these questions?
553
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,880
I am a piece of shit.
554
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:18,680
I'm going.
555
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,920
(LABOURED BREATH)
556
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,080
Oh...
557
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,760
Er, no. Oh, God.
558
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:28,120
Er, no, no, no, no.
Er, sir, please don't be dead. Er...er...
559
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,360
- (CESARE SNORES)
- Oh.
560
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:34,840
No, you're alive.
561
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,000
Of course you're not dead.
562
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,680
I just...bored you to sleep.
563
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:40,960
Nice.
564
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,240
Good work, Mattie.
565
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,240
Well, OK, thank you for your time.
566
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,520
(SNORING CONTINUES)
567
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,000
Sudoku.
568
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,040
Great.
569
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,360
What a fucking mess.
570
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:09,960
Everything all right?
571
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,800
Actually, not sure.
572
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,360
One minute we were talking,
next minute he fell asleep.
573
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,440
Yeah, he has a low tolerance
for boring people.
574
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,080
Goodnight, Mattie.
575
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,840
Yeah. Great. Goodnight.
576
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,240
Mo, can you and Raul come up?
577
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:28,320
Yep, out like a light.
578
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:30,040
You'll have to carry him again.
579
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:33,960
No, he looks dry down there.
580
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,480
And this is where we park the cars.
581
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:40,600
Oh, cheers, mate.
582
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,640
- It's been a great night.
- Shame about the result.
583
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,520
Bet you didn't expect to be sitting
next to two coppers, did you?
584
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,840
- No, that's not what I expected.
- Benji Achebe?
585
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,800
- Yeah.
- Got your new car.
586
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:50,840
- Ah!
- Oh!
587
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,440
- Not another uninsured Bentley, I hope.
- No, no, no.
588
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,840
Learnt my lesson.
You're going to love this, babe, promise.
589
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,000
- Yeah?
- Yeah, come on.
590
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,160
Not you two... Oh, fine.
591
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,840
Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah!
592
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:07,960
- Whoo!
- (LAUGHS) Bit of a step-down, Benji.
593
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,120
Best of both worlds.
594
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,200
I mean, it looks the shit,
but with affordable insurance, huh?
595
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,000
Now, if you'll excuse us, officers,
we've got to roll.
596
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,680
Is this for real?
I thought you had a Bentley.
597
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,280
Come on, I'll explain later. Just...
598
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,360
Presumably you've registered
the colour change with the DVLA.
599
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,360
With who?
600
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,400
Changing the colour of a car
without informing the DVLA is illegal.
601
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,000
But it's the original colour underneath.
602
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,120
Yeah, that don't matter.
It's visible colour. You can't drive this.
603
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,600
- Is this some joke ting?
- No joke ting.
604
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,400
What about the VIP tickets? The dinner?
605
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,640
Attempting to bribe a police officer
is punishable
606
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,320
- with up to ten years in prison.
- What?
607
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:42,080
- No, I didn't. No, I was just...
- (BOTH LAUGH)
608
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,560
Mate, we're winding you up.
609
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,440
See? Old Bill can banter too.
610
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,840
See you later, mate.
611
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,120
So can I drive this home, yeah?
612
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:51,240
BOTH: No!
613
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,120
All right, help me pick this off.
614
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:56,560
It can't take us more than, what,
20 minutes?
615
00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,720
I am not wasting a £40 manicure
on a shitty Ford Focus.
616
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:01,880
Call an Uber.
617
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,280
I can't. That's another story.
618
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:04,840
You can't even get an Uber?
619
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,360
For the duration of that journey,
that's my car, and I barely spilled any.
620
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:10,560
Can't you call it?
621
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,080
Yeah. I can.
622
00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:14,200
An Uber for one. Bye.
623
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,200
- Yeah. Bye.
- I can pay you back. Come on.
624
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,080
- They don't even make Ubers for one.
- Oh, piss off!
625
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:24,000
- Ah, second-hand toilet paper. Nice.
- Yeah, they're Jack's brand.
626
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,920
- Oh, they'll forget all about that.
- What, the fans? Never.
627
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,160
Not until the day you retire.
Then not even after that.
628
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,320
Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be
giving you rolls of toilet paper.
629
00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:34,400
Oh, sound.
How are we getting home again?
630
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,640
Here, help me pick this off
and I'll give you a lift.
631
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,840
Can't take us more than, what, four hours?
632
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,120
- How was your chat with Cesare, then?
- Yeah, good.
633
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,600
Still got that fire, hasn't he?
634
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,120
Don't know. Not understood a word
he's said in five years.
635
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:51,400
Oh, this is wrong, man!
I'm going to drive it anyway.
636
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:52,800
Come on, Benji, it's not worth it.
637
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,360
Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan.
638
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,560
Ha-ha! I'm a genius.
639
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,280
If they can't see the colour,
they can't tell me it's the wrong colour.
640
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,400
- Could work.
- It's not going to work.
641
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,120
Hey, that's about six months' worth
of toilet paper you've used.
642
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:09,880
I'll roll it up again after I get home.
643
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:11,400
(SIREN WAILS)
644
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:13,680
- Oh, allow it, man.
- Told you.
645
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,640
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
49083
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