Original subtitles

Once upon a time, the world conceived of a place

to be located on the shores of the United States,

which would be exempt from all that nation's rules

and regulations.

Within this utopian environment,

meaningful treaties would be proclaimed

and national leaders would not pound their shoes on the table

when they didn't get their way.

To support such a massive organization,

entire buildings would be converted to international housing,

where natural enemies would live under one roof,

employing the honor system not to spy on each other.

In other words, this is a fairy tale

no matter how you look at it.

During the Reagan administration,

an international disaster was barely averted,

so our hero claims.

...in our time, can only become a reality

if we are willing to put aside our petty differences...

That is what my country is all about.

We are makers of peace, not war, makers of love, not hate.

- Delegates, please remain seated!

If I may interrupt my distinguished colleague,

I think it only fair to point out certain...

"irregularities" in his position.

I respectfully request to regain the floor

per Robert's Rules of Order.

My distinguished colleague will have ample opportunity

to rebut should my arguments fail to dissuade him.

- Enough, delegate!

Decorum is very important.

I reserve the right to pursue other avenues of appeal

if this meeting proves unsatisfactory to my country.

- No, please!

You name the time and place, Abdul.

Will the delegates please return to their seats.

...can only become a reality

if we learn to put aside our petty differences.

That is what this...

Will the delegates please return to their seats.

...organization is all about...

- May we please have order?

That is what my country is all about.

Will the delegates please return to their seats.

We are makers of peace...

...not war.

We are makers of love, not hate.

Please, let's talk!

Although we do have more tanks than you.

No, no, through the detectors, sir.

Everyone has to do it.

Sorry, sir.

Thank you, there you go.

-Hold it, ma'am, you'll have to walk through again.

Al! Come here.

Do you understand her? I think it's Farsi.

Why don't these people learn to speak English?

-You have to walk through again, please.

-All right, ma'am, what have you got on under your clothes?

Come on, lady, what's under there, por favor?

You'll have to be searched, you understand that?

No, no.

Guess she likes you more than me.

Uh, think you're gonna be safe all alone with her?

Well, danger's my life.

Um, we have a room over here. Standard procedure.

No need to worry.

Uh... I do this quite often. You understand?

Quite...

OK, ma'am, step this way, please.

This shouldn't take long.

All right now, you stay here. I'll go and get a matron.

A lady to search you, all right?

No, no, no, no.

You want me to do it?

Uh-huh.

Huh. Well, if you insist.

All right, raise your hands, please, like this.

Yeah.

OK.

All right.

You wouldn't be carrying a gun under there, would you?

A Santy Claus cookie cutter.

What could you possibly do with a cookie cutter?

Yaah!

Another day, another ruble.

You have seen a ghost, perhaps?

Perhaps.

How did you interpret Omar's statement

that Abdul was possibly emotionally involved with his camel?

I said, "You are known to be kind to all creatures, great and small."

Ooh, I like that. I went for, "Abdul, you're a pervert."

-You didn't! -No. Maybe someday.

-Harry must be having the time of his life.

He's been in there for over an hour.

Another summit coming up between our two countries.

Everyone gets so excited, nothing gets accomplished.

Nothing gets accomplished because everyone gets so excited.

Even hyenas need privacy to mate.

What? Is that an old Russian proverb?

I learned it from Lorne Greene. It was a two-parter.

-You know,

every time I look at our apartment building, I think,

"Only in America."

Every nation imaginable under one roof.

The International Arms, where every day is Halloween.

At least we don't have anyone from Transylvania.

You wouldn't say that if you'd met the new guy in 3F.

Home, sweet home.

The Tower of Babel.

Oh, so you Russians do read the Bible.

Only in paperback.

I can't help but be suspicious.

Don't look at me, I didn't do anything!

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!

I tell you, he was always saying,

"Mighty fine dog you've got," and now Chadwick is missing.

Why blame me? Maybe he fall down the elevator shaft.

Maybe he got run over by the garbage truck.

The garbage trucks haven't been around in weeks.

Listen, Mr. Pim, it's not unusual for dogs to wander off.

He'll probably turn up where you least expect him.

Exactly.

Perhaps I was too quick to accuse.

I'm sorry.

That's OK, no hard feeling.

Maybe you come for dinner?

That's very kind. What are you serving?

Stew.

Honey! You home?

- Be right there. -How was your day?

A triumph!

All 20 kids spelled "cat" correctly, in English.

Careful. If all those countries learn to communicate

at the kindergarten level, I'll be out of a job.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, I guess. Just that today...

-I thought I saw-- -Thought you saw what?

Somebody. I was probably wrong.

Well, who, Alan? Well, it doesn't matter.

-As long as it wasn't Freddy--

Freddy Fallon!

-Freddy! Long time, no see. -Not long enough.

-Six years. -Come in.

-Get out! -Gee, cute place.

-Get out, I hate you! -Beverly.

You're talking to the best man at our wedding.

Who tried to help me with my wedding dress by tearing it off.

Yes, you must be Beverly. I've heard quite a bit about you.

Oh, whatever you're trying to pull, Freddy, it's not going to work.

And then you would be Alan, correct?

What is going on, Freddy?

Well, for one thing, I am not Freddy Fallon,

but I must say that I'm encouraged having fooled you,

Alan, his former college roommate.

You're not fooling anyone, now get out!

My identification.

A star? A sheriff's star?

I work for an agency of the United States government

charged with national security.

I took an oath that my life is meaningless.

A step in the right direction.

That's why I was willing to undergo plastic surgery.

Get out!

If you'll just relax for a moment,

I have a message from the president of the United States

which will explain the importance of your cooperation.

The president?

Yes. It's on a cassette here, somewhere.

Where's the real Freddy Fallon if you're not him?

- Which I doubt. - Freddy Fallon is under custody.

He was very cooperative in filling me in on the details of life.

Obviously there will be gaps, gaps which I will expect you

and you to help me fill.

Here it is.

I still get chills whenever I hear the president speak.

To think that he would trust me, and now you, with his life.

My fellow Americans...

I was hoping for something a little more personal.

Well, he was a little nervous when he recorded this.

We must always remember that our constitution

is to be celebrated, not for being old

but for being young.

Young with the same energy, spirit and promise

that filled each eventful day in Philadelphia Statehouse.

When does he get to us?

Hey, he's a politician, be patient.

Now, forgive me, but I can't resist telling a little story.

You know, back in the day...

...a nation that does great work lives forever.

We have done well.

But we cannot stop at the foothills

when Everest beckons.

It is time for America to be...

...American dream real for all.

We must also look to the condition of America's families.

Struggling parents today worry how they will provide their children

the advantages that their parents gave to them.

In the welfare culture, the breakdown...

...held back by horse-and-buggy programs

that waste tax dollars and squander human potential.

We cannot win that race if we are swamped

in a sea of red ink.

This sounds like the State of the Union message to me.

No, here comes the important stuff, right now.

And now, on a much more personal note,

I have a very special request for Ala--

Oh, heck, that thing was supposed to self destruct

at the end of the message.

Wouldn't you know it?

Looks like somebody's timing was off.

Oh, well. What's for dinner?

Freddy, that recording didn't say anything.

But it was the president and it sounded like hto say my name.

Listen, we'll go to a fancy French restaurant, my treat.

And then we'll straighten everything out tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? -One night can't hurt.

-Well... -And maybe, uh...

-Evelyn could join us. You know, Freddy's ex-wife?

I prefer to think of her as my best friend.

I take it that Freddy caused some hard feelings around here?

Just because you dumped her? No!

Good, then let's give her a call.

If I can convince her I'm Freddy, I'm home free.

Let's let Evelyn decide if she wants to see him.

Of course she'll want to see him, she's still in love with him.

I said she was my best friend, I didn't say she had any brains.

Listen, if you two would rather not get involved,

I can go out to dinner with Evelyn myself.

-No, thank you, Freddy.

I don't wanna leave you alone with her.

Good. Then we'll need a table for four.

Why are we walking, Freddy?

Cab drivers have ears.

And expect to be paid.

World peace is at stake. We can't afford a leak.

As you know, there is a meeting planned this week

between our president and the Soviet premier.

We have uncovered a plot to disrupt this meeting.

How, we do not know.

-Keep thinking, Freddy. -Let's hear him out.

Thank you, Alan. Now I know why Freddy likes you so much.

We do know that the world's most deadly assassin

is somehow involved.

A woman of unknown identity who kills with seemingly ordinary items.

Today she turned one of our men into three dozen Santa Clauses

with a cookie cutter.

She did a wonderfully neat job.

There was only a handful of Agent Maltby left when she finished.

Start walking but act natural.

What does any of this have to do with you looking like Freddy Fallon?

Quit pulling on me.

We're being followed by a street sweeper.

Don't be ridiculous, and answer Alan's question.

-Why do I look like Freddy? -Yes.

It's simple. We have strong evidence that the assassin lives in your building.

Freddy is a known deadbeat, Alan is a known pushover.

Therefore Freddy stays with you indefinitely.

Forgot about me.

-Keep moving! -Don't be paranoid.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.

-I'm trying to keep us alive! - It does seem to be following us, dear.

Nonsense!

Open the door!

-Do you have a tie? -Yeah, I got a tie.

There's a street sweeper following us!

You take care of the tie, I'll take care of the street sweeper.

-Get in there. -Come on!

Quit pushing me!

Owww!

Bull's-eye.

I understand your friend did that all the time.

Yes, but he always missed.

Oh, I have to remember that. It could save my life.

Look, Freddy... let's call a truce.

You stop this ridiculous charade, plus...

be nice to Evelyn when she gets here,

and I'll choke back my hatred for you.

I can't do that, I'm not Freddy.

But thanks anyway, Bevvy.

-I hate being called Bevvy. -I know, Freddy told me.

-That's why he does it. -I know why he--

why you do it.

Cool it, here comes Evelyn.

Uh, hi.

I'm looking for a party of four under Rossmore or Fallon.

Actually, I'm the fourth of the...

How do you know what she looks like?

Freddy showed me her picture. We're very thorough.

-Hi. Hi, everybody. - Hi.

Sorry I'm so late. I just...

I guess I was just a little nervous, so...

There's nothing to be nervous about, we're right here.

OK.

Hi, Evelyn.

Hi, Freddy.

Ooh! You've changed your cologne.

They must have discontinued Jungle Passion for Men.

Oh!

A guy has to change a little after six years.

You know, you really are different, Freddy.

How so?

Well...

I mean, I'm not quite sure,

but you never used to help me with my chair like that before.

No, I like it a lot.

What else do you like?

You know...

Evelyn!

Evelyn, think about all those nights you cried yourself to sleep!

I'm trying. I'm trying.

Down, Freddy, down!

May I tell you our specials?

Nah, just pop a couple of bottles of your best bubbly

and await further instructions.

Very good, monsieur.

Mm! Mm!

Mm! Mm!

This is some chow, huh?

You like yours?

I'll tell ya...

I haven't had a meal like this since I don't know when.

-What a feast, huh?

Oh, Capitan, would you mind?

Same old Freddy.

Evelyn, you are better off without him.

I know, but we had some good times too.

We sure did.

My favorite was that vacation in Hawaii that we had in August

-between the, uh...

the 10th and the 22nd.

I will never forget what you said to me that day under the waterfall.

Good.

Then there's no need for me to remind you.

Look, this has been a charming reunion,

but I'm really beat.

Me too.

Check!

The tip has been added in already.

OK. I hope you gave yourself 25%.

I'm sorry, monsieur, but we don't take Nicaraguan currency.

Well, what kind of French restaurant are you running here?

That's OK, Captain, I've got it.

Right where he always gives it to you.

Eeee!

Oh, Freddy!

So, where are you staying tonight?

-With them. -No, you're not.

Oh, gee, in that case, I've got an idea.

No, you don't.

I just wanna make sure Freddy has a place to stay.

He has a place to stay, Evelyn.

So, what floor are you on, Evelyn?

-Three. -But you're staying on four, Freddy.

Whatever your faults, Freddy, you were the best lover in the whole world.

That's very... flattering.

So, anyway, you know, I was just thinking that...

maybe just tonight, for old times' sake, you might wanna...

Evelyn! You'd regret it in the morning.

With Freddy? Not before noon.

But you're right.

I am not gonna let you hurt me again.

Good, Evelyn, good!

'Cause I'm my own woman now...

And you have no power over me, Freddy.

None?

Well...

Hmm, maybe just this once.

I guess I'm feeling a little tuckered out tonight.

Ooh! That's not like Freddy.

Sweet dreams, Freddy.

Today he leaves. OK?

Good morning to you, too.

-Beverly, he was my friend once. -I know.

We had a lot of good times together.

But I'll kick him out, sure I'll kick him out,

even though it's like kicking out part of myself.

Oh, thank you!

Thanks, Alan.

You are a good man.

Freddy is not a good man.

There's just something missing in him.

OK, but what if that guy out there is not Freddy, OK?

What if our country is depending on us?

- You're kidding. - I just wanna be absolutely sure.

OK, then find out. Take him with you today.

He won't be able to fool you for long.

You're right.

Maybe he left already. I don't hear him.

That's when he's most dangerous.

Hmm. You too.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh, mama, you are good.

No, no, come back, my proud beauty.

Ahoy, matey, have you spotted land?

-Shh! I'm concentrating. -Mind if I have a look?

OK, but just one, and you gotta let me know if you spot anything unusual.

Red alert.

-OK, let me have the telescope back. -Get your own telescope.

This is my telescope. Come on, this is the property of the government.

-You're obstructing justice. -What's going on?

Honey, hi. I was just helping Freddy with his surveillance.

You call that surveillance? I call that voyeurism.

Unfortunately, those lines tend to get a little blurred in the intelligence game.

Show's over, Freddy.

Hey, that woman's a suspect.

That woman is a Brazilian librarian who has a thing for my husband.

What makes you think so? She never even talks to me.

Her body language speaks volumes.

-Really? -If I were you, Alan, I'd be careful.

-She could be dangerous. -I'll bet.

I'm not kidding. Sonja Vargas is one of our prime suspects.

That's why you've been watching her so closely.

Now you're learning.

From a pervert.

Honey, honey, consider this. He did know her name.

With that telescope, he knows more about her than her internist.

He probably saw her name on some mail.

Hey! I was not looking at her mail.

You know what, honey? You're gonna be late for school.

-Gotta go. -You're right.

-I'll see you tonight. -Bye.

-Right. -Wrong.

Bye, Bevvy.

Oooh!

So, how's the marriage going?

Fine, Freddy, until you showed up.

You know, if I really was Freddy Fallon,

you guys would be hurting my feelings.

Not the Freddy I know.

Sure hope she's not guilty.

Lost her.

Must be some test I could give you.

Well, I wish there were, but there just isn't.

I could ask you certain personal questions about Freddy only he would know.

Fine, then I probably wouldn't know the answers. Go ahead, try me.

OK, OK, what is Freddy's favorite food?

That's a toss-up between jelly doughnuts and tuna fish sandwiches.

- Uh-huh. - Freddy told me that when he briefed me.

I'm telling you, there's no way.

OK, how about this: you know what this means?

No. No, Freddy didn't tell me that one.

-See the problem? -But you could be lying.

Of course I could be lying, and if I were Freddy, for the sake of argument,

I was lying when I was talking about stuff that only Freddy could know.

-I'm getting a headache. -No, that's really more the IRS.

My agency, we tend to deal with national security.

I tell you what, I will break my cover

long enough to prove to you that I am not Freddy Fallon, how does that sound?

-Sounds very difficult. -Very easy.

Just let me change.

You'll never change... Freddy.

Max over there is a fellow agent.

That explains why he's not a very good desk clerk.

-Morning, Mr. Rossmore. -Morning, Max.

Did you just wink at me, sir?

It's OK, Max, you can tell Mr. Rossmore who I am.

Fine by me, but first you got to tell me who you are.

Wait, you don't know this man?

Thought he was a friend of yours.

That's what he told me yesterday when he arrived.

Max, I'm telling you, it's OK to break cover.

That's OK, Max, you just concentrate on not losing my mail.

Let's go, Freddy.

Pretty impressive, huh?

The way that Max kept his cover no matter what I said?

That's the way we're trained.

It can be kind of embarrassing at times, like now,

but in the long run, it saves lives.

Can it, Freddy, OK? It's me you're talking to.

Let's go have some lunch, a few laughs.

Then you gotta hit the road before Beverly kills you.

-What? -Walk this way.

Oh, please, why are we walking like this?

Low profile.

Moving target.

Freddy.

Freddy.

No, no, I refuse to walk like this anymore.

Suit yourself.

So, what do you really think of this Fallon guy?

-I like him. -Really?

Really.

He's a little nutso, he walks funny.

-Stop! -Why?

A bullet just whizzed past my ear.

I figure it's a 30-millimeter shell

fired from a silent sniper rifle in your building.

I don't see anything!

You're not trained the way I am. Come on.

Freddy, don't be paranoid.

Aaaaah!

Good. I got her panicked.

She's resorted to a rifle. You can go home, Alan.

-I'm not gonna go out there. -You'll be completely safe.

-It's me she's after. -How can I be sure?

Stand up, you'll know in five seconds.

-Or less. I'm gonna stay right here. -Gimme your coat and hat.

-You go out with my coat on? -Only if you don't want to.

-I don't want to. -Gimme!

OK.

Oh, you were right. Come back and let's change again.

Sorry, buddy, I got places to go, things to do.

But what about me?

-If I were you, I'd stay put. -Till when?

Nightfall!

Yeah, yeah, right.

You call it caviar, I call it unborn fish.

You ought to be giving this stuff away.

I tell you what, put some Sevruga in a Beluga tin,

charge me for Sevruga, then everybody will be happy, except the fish.

-Alan? -In here, Bevvy.

Now, as far as the champagne goes, we're gonna need two cases at least.

What do you mean who's gonna pay ya?

You got paid for last night, didn't ya?

- Where is Alan? - He's hiding behind a statue somewhere.

You I'll see in 20 minutes.

Why is he hiding behind a statue?

Who are you expecting in 20 minutes?

And what are you doing with my crystal glasses?

That's a fair question.

Alan's trying to keep himself from getting shot between the eyes,

caterers for our party are wheeling towards us even as we speak,

and these glasses are gonna help me capture

the most dangerous woman in the world.

I see.

For your purposes,

you may consider me the most dangerous woman in the world.

I want you out, Freddy!

All right. I didn't want to do this but you're forcing me.

That's the president's private phone number.

-I want you to call him. -800 number.

Well, it's toll free. Quite a guy, huh?

There you go, dial.

You have reached 1-800-555-6666.

Nancy and I aren't in right now,

but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Talk for as long as you like. I do.

Uh, oh, excuse me, Mr. President.

This is Beverly Rossmore calling

and if you wouldn't mind calling me--

-He's already got your number. -Oh, Freddy!

-What is going on? -Are you impressed?

-Confused. -I'll explain.

That's how I got confused.

Nine months ago, a top Italian official

was killed by the assassin.

It was a particularly ugly murder at a winery.

The crime went undetected for several months

until, at a private dinner party,

when the wine wouldn't come out of the bottles.

-Eww. -Our investigation,

such as it was, revealed that the victim had in his possession

a book of matches from this building

at the time he was vinted.

Oh, Freddy, you're making this up.

Just like I made up the murder yesterday?

According to our computers, three women from this building

were out of the U.S. at the time of the Italian assassination.

One of them was that Brazilian librarian, Sonja Vargas,

which reminds me...

Oh, yeah, gang busters.

Freddy, who are the other two women?

Hilda Manx, the East German leather merchant on the first floor,

and Evelyn Fallon, Freddy's ex-wife.

Freddy, you know Evelyn wouldn't harm any living creature.

That's what Freddy told me, but I can leave no stone unturned.

Believe me, you've turned Evelyn over for the last time.

She's not a suspect, but you can't be too careful in things like this.

Here, get ready for the party. You've always looked great in blue.

Or so I've been told.

-What party? -The party that we're throwing

for the entire building.

That way the suspects won't know that I'm focusing on them.

I can get their fingerprints on these three glasses

and then compare those prints with the partial prints I got

from the scene of yesterday's murder.

Honey.

I'm home.

And alive.

Great. Just in time for the party.

What party?

You should have seen her, Alan. She was unbelievable.

Ah, caviar, my favorite.

This is not Beluga caviar.

I don't care what the label says.

Can you really tell the difference between caviars?

Can Americans tell the difference

between smooth and chunky peanut butter?

Freddy, there seems to be some confusion about the caviar.

Well, then somebody oughta contact the "sturgeon" general.

To your happiness.

Oh, Freddy.

To your happiness.

Gotta run.

-Bye. -What about my champagne?

Don't mind if I do.

One down, two to go.

That stew was absolutely delicious.

What exactly goes into it?

Old family recipe. If I tell you, I get in trouble.

Fair enough, but please, let me know when you're having it again.

My pleasure. That's what neighbors are for, huh?

Hey, when you get a new dog?

Oh, I haven't given up on finding Chadwick.

Oh, I would.

I think I'm falling in love.

Is this your telescope?

Why, yes. I've been studying the moons of Jupiter.

It looks to me like you've been studying my apartment.

No. Would you hold onto this for a second?

By golly, you're right, it does seem to be pointed at your window.

That was probably Alan.

Maybe he was watching me undress, do you think?

I'd hate to think he could stoop so low.

I wish he would.

Alan is the sexiest man I know.

I take it you come from a very small village.

I like his weakness, his vulnerability.

I want to crush him in my limbs.

Do you think his wife would mind?

What about me?

I'm weak, just ask my ex-wife.

No, you're not my type. In fact, I find you repulsive.

That could be fun, too.

-No way. -OK, if that's the way you feel,

-give me back my champagne. -I would expect that from you.

I never disappoint.

Two down, one to go.

Omar, Abdul, looking sharp.

So, had any good dates lately?

Of course. Luckily I come from a country where they do grow on trees!

-That's a good one!

I can't understand why other people don't get Arab humor.

Same reason why they don't live in the desert: they're backwards.

Yes, and stupid!

If they rode camels instead of cars, our oil would be worthless.

How is your camel, by the way?

What do you mean by that?

Nothing. It's just that most guys don't bring them to New York.

-My camel is my business. -So, you're mixing business with pleasure.

-Let's step outside. -I would be delighted.

Excuse me.

We're going to fight. Would you like to referee?

-Come then. - OK! I get the winner!

Would you like a crab pouf or rumaki?

Yes, they both look equally so good.

Um... eh...

Are you Swiss by any chance?

Yes, and how did you know?

I notice your neutral approach to the canapes.

I think it's going very well, don't you?

Why don't you start up a conga line?

-I will. -Conga?

I don't think we've met.

They call me Freddy.

Hilda Manx.

Boy, I bet you look stunning without those gloves on.

I look even more stunning without anything on.

Wow! How about a glass of champagne

before we consummate our relationship?

I do not need artificial stimulants.

In East Germany, we learn to make do without luxuries.

Even my lipstick is made from recycled diesel fuel.

How wonderful.

Would you like to kiss me?

Actually, I'd rather hold your hand.

I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.

I'll take off my gloves if you take off yours.

It's your gloves that excite me.

I see. But... naked hands...

Not here!

-Your place. -Not now.

My decadent West German brother is watching Wheel of Fortune,

hoping Vanna White's spaghetti straps will fail her

while she's reaching for the E.

A fellow optimist.

You must be very close to your brother to share an apartment.

It is merely a pragmatic thing.

It is cheaper, therefore better.

This champagne is cheap.

-How cheap? -It's made from raisins.

Perhaps a sip.

Ohh! Mmm!

Ohhh!

This is going too far. Evelyn, close your eyes.

No, it's OK, he's just...

flirting.

Grrr!

He must be something in bed.

But what?

Gee, I guess I'm not really in a party mood after all.

I think I'll just go home.

-Bye. -Bye.

Oh!

That was very romantic.

You certainly know how to charm a girl.

Do you always undress women like that?

I used to, till I chipped a tooth.

Let us drink.

Let's lock arms.

Prost!

Go for it!

You drink with great enthusiasm.

That's why I wear rubber gloves.

Let me try the champagne.

Tastes like diesel fuel.

I'll get some more.

I must be going, but I would like to see you alone again sometime.

-I'll look you up. -I'm counting on it.

Three down, mission accomplished.

The real Freddy couldn't have done any better.

High praise indeed.

And then there's your schnauzer.

I've never thought of them as a particularly lovable animal.

Oh, I love them.

Well, there's no accounting for taste.

Yes, there is. I'm telling you the schnauzer--

If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you have one?

Perhaps I will. Excuse me.

-Whoa! -Sorry.

I got it, I got it.

Look out! I...

Quel dommage!

I am going to kill you, Freddy Fallon.

It's my fault. I'll clean them up and pay for them.

No! I'll clean them up.

And pay for them.

Hey, everybody, we're out of champagne,

but you're welcome to stick around and enjoy each other's company.

Arrivederla.

Who's going uptown?

Good night.

I don't believe it. Look at this bill.

We're gonna have to take out a loan.

You'll be reimbursed for the party

as soon as the agency has finished auditing my expense account.

-How reassuring. -Come on, lighten up.

Sonja Vargas is now our prime suspect.

Having broken these glasses, all we need now is for Alan to go down

and look for some conclusive evidence.

-Who, me? -No, you go down and look for evidence!

I'm afraid my charms are wasted on Sonja.

On the other hand, you should have heard the things she was saying about him.

Really? Like what?

You say one more word and you're a dead man, Freddy.

Beverly, please, the man has a right to speak under the constitution. Do go on.

Doesn't matter. What does matter is that you get down to her apartment

as soon as you possibly can and do whatever is necessary to uncover her.

-What? -To uncover her guilt.

Alan is staying here where he belongs.

Beverly, this is a question of world peace. You heard the president.

No, I heard a recording, and I don't care.

I don't care if you are Freddy or you're not Freddy.

You can't manipulate us like this anymore.

You can go save the world some other way.

We are going to bed!

I mean it, Alan.

I know, honey, I'll be right there.

Well... so long.

So long.

I like your wife.

She, uh... she cares for you a lot.

I know.

And I care about Freddy.

Tell him I still remember the good times.

Whenever you see him.

That will mean more to him than you can know.

-Alan, one more thing? -Sure.

Can I borrow a quarter?

-Freddy...

take it all.

Oh.

I got my pride.

Well... back to normal.

Yep. Back to normal.

Hello?

May I speak to Beverly Rossmore, please?

This is she.

This is your president.

I hope I'm not calling too late,

but we just got back from a boring political speech.

I couldn't leave early 'cause I was the speaker.

Oh... Oh, no, that's OK... Mr. President.

-The President? Yes.

Hello? Hello?

I'm returning your call.

Oh, yes, well, uh...

Oh, dear, it's sort of embarrassing, but, well...

Sir, does the name Freddy Fallon mean anything to you?

The man we're counting on to preserve world peace.

You must do whatever he tells you, no questions asked.

Well...

Now, I don't mean to sound pompous,

but I am the president; now, do I have your word?

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

But, well, uh, actually, we just threw Freddy out.

I know, he told me, but he'll be back.

Excuse me, but the red phone is ringing.

What do we do now?

We have no choice, he's the president.

Bevvy? Alan?

It's me, Freddy.

Destiny calls.

- Come on, hold still!

I'm ticklish, cut it out.

I still don't see why he has to go down there in his pajamas.

Because it's 3 a.m. and we don't want to arouse suspicion.

Don't worry, dear, I won't go too far.

That's what you told me on our first date.

Beverly, will you forget your petty jealousies?

We're talking international crisis here.

You do what you gotta do. Uncle Sam is behind you 100%.

And I'm right behind Uncle Sam listening to everything that happens.

What if I fail?

Well, as a backup, Max is downstairs right now

preparing to send those broken pieces of champagne glass

to Washington for fingerprint analysis.

Sonja, what are you doing?

That's good. You're coming through loud and clear.

All too clear.

I was just kidding around.

Believe me, it will never get that far.

Hey, Alan, this is nothing to clown around about.

I know, it's just pregame nerves.

-OK, you got your instructions? -Right, look for evidence.

A white sari, a sniper rifle, a bloodstained cookie cutter.

That's it, and if you don't see anything, you've gotta lure her.

You've gotta come right home and have a glass of warm milk.

Gotta find some way to lure her into her bedroom.

Check, but how can I be sure she's gonna let me into her apartment?

The government has spent $18 million researching opening lines,

and believe me, this one is guaranteed,

-Can I borrow a cup of sugar? -I don't use sugar.

Oh, damn! 18 million bucks down the drain.

Oh, well.

But please come in, Alan.

I'm sure I've got something you can use.

Kid's got magic, huh?

Hope I didn't wake you.

Actually, I've just come back from a little errand.

Well, that's quite a recording you've got.

-What recording? -Those sounds.

-Hmm? Was that a mouse?

Probably, but don't worry, the snake will get it.

Now, sit, please.

There. Lie down if you prefer.

You must be very tired.

Do you mind if I have a look around?

This place is so... unusual.

Be my guest, but I would stay away from that corner over there

with the Pampas grass.

Come with me.

I am flattered that you've come to see me.

I hope the sugar was just a silly excuse.

Perhaps your wife, she doesn't understand you.

Perhaps.

-Wrong! -Shh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Would you look!

Now this, this is a realistic shrunken head.

Thank you, I made it myself.

Damn!

Why did you do that?

The moons of Jupiter, they were shining in my eyes.

You must have very sensitive eyes.

-You find them attractive? -Well...

Look closer.

Ahh!

Hmm.

Why aren't they talking?

I wanna hear voices, preferably loud voices.

-I am an upfront kind of girl. -I can see that.

OK.

You can do anything with me you like.

Could you show me your kitchen?

Forget the kitchen! Tonight you own me.

Forget the kitchen?

Think this thing shorted out.

-No, I can hear breathing.

Lots of it.

-Oh!

I want to crush you in my limbs.

Nothing's happening, darling.

Don't worry, it will.

Whoa! Whoa!

Well, that tears it. Microphone went dead.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Got a deck of cards?

Freddy, I'm not gonna sit here when my husband's alone with a woman

who keeps shrunken heads and wild animals in her living room.

Bevvy, be reasonable. We don't know that Alan's in any kind...

Stay back.

Poor Max.

Eww.

He died a hero.

Were you close?

We went through training together.

I suppose his wife's gonna want this.

But then so will his girlfriend.

Got two envelopes?

Wait a minute, if the assassin left this,

then Sonja Vargas isn't the assassin.

That's right, so we don't have to worry about Alan.

The heck we don't!

He's down there with an oversexed Amazon.

Beverly! Wait a sec. Come on!

-I'll kill her! -Bev.

-I'll kill him! - Hold on, Bev!

-I'll kill them both! -Bev!

Hold on, Bev! Bev.

Am I overreacting?

- Sonja, what are you doing?

Open up!

We are busy. Come back later.

- Open the door!

-Alan, come here!

-I am on fire! -Excuse me.

Such a waste!

OK, one down, two to go.

Freddy, Evelyn is not a suspect.

Well, our computers and circumstantial evidence says that she is,

so I'm gonna have to interrogate her.

I'll bet that interrogation will be grueling.

These are for you.

Oh, Freddy, how sweet!

You never used to bring me flowers.

I've mellowed.

You know, I really think you have.

What was that for?

Oh, Freddy, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just a little bitter, I guess.

Because I've mellowed?

No. Freddy, you're the only man I ever loved,

but you were a jerk and you left me.

Now, that's something, really, that I have learned to live with,

but please don't confuse me by being nice,

because I just don't think it's very fair.

I don't mean to be nice, honest.

Oh, Freddy, I wish you'd never come back.

Even if I'm a new man?

Oh, Freddy, I could never be sure.

You were ready to hop into bed with me the other night.

Oh, I know, and that's what makes me so mad.

I got some good news for you.

What?

I'm not Freddy. I'm a lookalike.

So, what's wrong now?

Well, I am in love with Freddy!

Where is he? You better not have hurt him.

No, no, no, no, Freddy's fine. Really.

Well, do you mind my asking who you are?

I'm a government agent sent to stop an assassination

that could alter the course of our history.

Oh, that's nice. I just wish you were Freddy.

Right now, so do I.

We could pretend if it would make you feel better.

Well, that's very kind of you, mister, but I don't fool around.

Boy, you sure look like Freddy.

-Is this plastic surgery? -Yes, it is.

Wow!

You know, when this is all over, maybe Freddy will come back.

That would be cruel.

So he probably will.

I'm having trouble understanding

just how you really feel about Freddy.

Why? It's perfectly clear. I never wanna see him again!

Well, actually that's... you know, it's not like,

like never again, you know, 'cause I would probably see him

for drinks or something; you know, we could get--

Unless he thought that this was gonna lead into...

because... there's just not a chance

that I wanna, you know...

Unless he, you know, felt that...

But on the other hand, I don't know.

I'll give him the message.

Hilda?

My petroleum-lipped little Valkyrie.

It's your Freddykins.

May I be of help?

Oh, you must be Hilda's brother.

She said I could drop by any time.

She tells everybody that, but unfortunately, she is not at home.

You seem like a nice enough guy. Maybe I could come in and surprise her.

I am sorry, but we do respect each other's privacy.

Sure, I understand that. Could I borrow a cup of sugar?

Please, there is no point in continuing the conversation.

I do not mean to be rude, but I am going to close the door.

But I...

-Stop that, sweetie.

OK, hold hands. Hold hands with Jimmy.

There you go. OK.

Oh, that was great. OK. Go ahead and sit down.

That was great. Now.

We're gonna try something new today.

If you've seen or heard anything on the streets of New York

that you didn't understand,

ask me and I will give you the answer. OK?

Good. All right? Hong?

Am I a little Commie?

Well, you're from a communist country,

and I'm sure you're going to grow some more.

Then I am a little Commie.

Well, I wouldn't put it that way.

-Why not? -Let me answer that.

Don't you dare, and what are you doing here?

Whoever called you that never took the time to get to know you.

He was just slapping a label on you.

Without looking inside of the box?

That's right. You always got to look inside the box.

Thank you, Freddy.

Uh, yes.

We have a question, Miss Rossmore.

Go ahead and ask.

Is our country overpopulated?

Well... looking at the world population averages,

your country is overpopulated.

That's something that you're gonna have to decide

when you're old enough to have kids.

It's all part of being a grownup.

So it will be our responsibility?

Bingo.

Now, if you'll excuse us, I gotta borrow your teacher

for the rest of the afternoon.

Oh, OK.

Um...

Well, let's, uh, sing some more, and if I can't come right back,

I'll send in a substitute, all right?

What about the rest of our questions?

Well, we don't wanna overdo it the first time.

OK, now, let's all sing.

Well, you never cease to amaze me, whoever you are.

The way you handled my kids back there...

-Freddy wouldn't have done that? -Well, I didn't think so.

Ah.

What are you looking at?

You tell me what I'm looking at.

Maybe later.

Right now, I want you to charm Gunther

into letting you into the apartment so you can snoop around a little.

-Oh, no, I don't like taking chances. -Come on, Bevvy.

It's important, and besides, you're gonna be wearing a microphone.

I see.

Will Alan be able to listen in just like I did?

If you wish.

I wish.

Oh...

Uh, only one thing.

Um... Who's gonna help me put on my microphone?

-I saw how you did it with Alan. -And I would do no less for you.

-No, thank you. -You've got me all wrong, Beverly.

-Beverly? -Slip of the tongue.

If it made you more comfortable, Evelyn could help you with your microphone.

-Yeah, that would help. -I wouldn't mind seeing her again myself.

You will wait in the other room.

The U.S. government tends to take a hands-on approach.

So?

So I'll wait in the other room.

Right.

There. Let's see.

-Turn, turn. -Oh, I don't know, Evelyn.

I just don't think this dress is me.

Beverly, you have a job to do and this dress will do the job.

OK. Think the mic's gonna show?

Not a chance.

Bev, Beverly, listen.

You know that guy in the other room

-that looks exactly like Freddy? -Yeah.

Beverly, I have to tell you... I am so attracted to him.

Too!

Evelyn, we've been friends a long time, right?

-Right. -Then listen to me.

I always listen to you. It's just, I don't know,

sometimes I hear another voice and it says...

"Evelyn..."

Oh, I get the idea.

Well... so what do you think? You know?

Me and...

you-know-who.

Well, I, uh...

I think you don't really know who you-know-who is.

And... if he's Freddy, you know he's a yo-yo.

And if he isn't, he still has most of Freddy's bad traits.

Yeah. Yes, but...

on the other hand...

he is so cute!

Plus, he really loves his country.

Well, loving your country is one thing,

changing your entire appearance just because somebody asked you to

is even dumber than something Freddy would do... I think.

But, you know, I have never gone for that 9-to-5 type.

But what if somebody asked him to become somebody else?

Like who?

Howdy Doody, for all I know.

Beverly, life's a gamble.

Uh... Evelyn...

OK.

Assuming he isn't Freddy, what would you do

if the real Freddy returned one day?

I'd run to his arms.

Right, with that guy strapped to your back?

Yes, I see what you mean.

It's just I hate to think of myself

spending the rest of my life waiting around for this...

guy who dumped me.

Oh, I know.

Oh, Evelyn, I guess all I'm saying is take your time.

Think it through, proceed with caution.

In other words, don't be me.

Oh, Evelyn, I just don't want to see you get hurt again.

-You're absolutely right. -Yeah.

So...

I think the best thing right now

is not to let him know how I feel.

-Now you're thinking! -Yeah.

Actually, I heard it all over the microphone. Works great.

-Oh, God. -Oh, no, you don't have to worry.

I'm gonna treat it all as privileged information.

So, Beverly, you ready?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

OK. Gimme 10 minutes to get the receiver set up in Alan's booth.

You sure you want him to hear all this?

Positive.

Okey-doke.

Stay in touch.

As one of our great poets expressed so beautifully,

a sand dune is a sand dune is a sand dune.

And while we have made considerable progress toward reconciliation

these last two days,

I still consider

my distinguished fellow delegate to be...

...a pioneer in the field of animal husbandry.

- Alan. Hey, doc. -What are you doing here?

Listen to this.

Put a microphone on Beverly and sent her to the Manx apartment

to look for evidence.

How could you? She's so ill-equipped.

It is unfortunate that my colleague cannot distinguish

fact from fiction.

-I give you some facts.

May I be of help?

-May I borrow a cup of sugar? -Oh, but of course, please.

-Come in! -Thank you.

Sounds to me like her equipment's working just fine.

She got lucky.

Not yet, but that's always a possibility.

My!

What an unusual apartment.

I hope you do not think this room is strange.

No! Not at all.

You see, when you come from a country that is tragically divided,

sometimes families become tragically divided also.

That must be very painful for you.

You are a profound woman, I can see that.

Please, come and sit down, Mrs. Rossmore.

Oh, you know my name!

Mm, I have long admired you from afar.

Please, come and sit with me for a few moments.

I insist.

He insists. To my wife!

As the world can see,

there is no way for reconciliation at this time.

Although, how can I put this?

I find you very attractive.

I find you very attractive?!

Oh, no, delegates, please, return to your seats!

Oh, you flatter me.

I'm just a housewife and a school teacher.

And also the most interesting woman in the building.

Do you mind saying that again, please? Speak clearly.

You are the most desirable woman in the building.

You said "interesting" before. You are both.

Believe me, that didn't fall on deaf ears.

- Gentlemen, please.

Do not fly from me yet.

Oh... Your skin is so soft.

-You skin is so soft?!

Will you please help the delegates back to their seats?

Alan, your mic is on.

Correction. That last statement should read:

"May your burnoose catch in an airplane propeller."

Here. I would like to show you my pride and joy.

My, that is impressive!

Oh, I can't even get my hands around it.

Oh, hold it like this.

Steady, boy, steady.

As you know, we Germans pride ourselves on this.

And I know why.

It is gorgeous!

And so are you.

Oh, Gunther!

Oh, you know, I have never seen an autographed picture

of Stalin up close.

Let me just take a quick peek. I'll be right back.

I cannot let you enter Hilda's side of the apartment.

She would kill me.

Well, isn't there some way I can change your mind?

Did you hear that?!

She's quite a little trouper, huh?

Perhaps.

Yes?

Perhaps I would risk her wrath for one stolen hour with you.

Your husband would never know.

That's irrelevant.

So what is stopping you?

I love my husband.

I love you too, sweetie!

Oh, thank you, Gunther.

You have done wonders for my ego.

-I hope I did not offend you.

No, you didn't offend me, and...

I would appreciate that cup of sugar, if you can spare it?

Of course!

If you will wait right here, please.

Mm-hmm.

Halt!

You are an interesting and desirable woman, Mrs. Rossmore.

But you are also terribly nosy.

Oh, I know!

It's just my school teacher curiosity, I guess.

Well... I'll just be going.

You forgot the sugar.

Heh-heh.

Auf Wiedersehen.

A cup of sugar.

Beverly, you did a good job. In fact, you did a great job.

I had a wonderful time.

You know, I just wish I could be of help.

Well, maybe you can when all this is over.

What's your next step?

The white dress that Beverly saw gives me probable cause to raid Hilda's place.

You know, you sound so much like Freddy.

I mean, I can't believe it. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I swear...

-Yeah, how do you do his voice? -How do you do Freddy's voice?

Oh, I specialize in impressions.

You should see me at the CIA Awards Banquet each year.

-It's a small gathering-- - Do an impression.

-Really? - Yeah! Do one.

Oh, OK, um... here's one.

Oh, I don't get no respect.

I mean, when you get a death threat from Mahatma Gandhi, you know you're in trouble.

- Oh, yeah!

- That's great. -You're a beautiful crowd.

-Who else do you do? -Ah, well...

-Here, give me your glasses. -Oh, OK.

You'll love this one.

The nice thing about being 92 is...

if a wakeup call is late, doesn't really matter.

One more, one more.

OK, OK.

This is the show stopper.

Well, to those who say an actor shouldn't be president,

I just say, look at my old films and relax.

Oh, that was terrific!

What?

Uh, that was Warren G. Harding.

That was the last straw.

No, come on now, you got this wrong.

-Get out! -No, Beverly, I--

-Alan, come...

Get out, Mr. President!

Hello.

Hello, Beverly. It's me again.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, Mr. President.

Hope I didn't interrupt anything,

but it's very important that I speak with Agent Fallon.

Now, is he there?

Oh, yes, sir.

It's for you.

Hey, Ronbo, how's it going?

There's to be a special secret meeting tomorrow

between me and... what's-his-name from the Soviet Union.

Anyway, we thought we'd talk privately and maybe get something accomplished.

-That's good thinking, sir. -Eh, that was his idea.

But we're handling the arrangements.

Let's see, where are my notes? I know they're here.

Give me the phone, Ron.

Freddy? It's Nancy. Go to plan B.

Yes, Mrs. president, Plan B. That's all I need to know.

Now, give me that. Uh, go to plan B.

Yes, sir, plan B. You can count on me.

I know I can.

And before I sign off, let me hear you do it.

Oh, well, sir, this isn't really the appropriate time or place.

Ah, don't worry about things like that.

Now, come on, go ahead.

OK.

Nancy, I'm tired of you just saying no.

What did he say?

Nothing, dear. Bye, Freddy.

Ta-ta.

Alan, you and your friend Uri Blechnov

will be translating tomorrow in a private meeting

between the two leaders.

-That's plan B? -That's part of it.

It is also undoubtedly when Hilda will strike next.

Unless I stop her right now.

Oh, Freddy, she might kill you!

That's true.

So if I don't come back,

just be glad that I'm not really Freddy.

Open up in the name of the law!

You again. My sister is still not home.

This is a raid.

A star? A sheriff's star?

Out of my way, pal.

I love what you've done to it.

You cannot enter my sister's part of the room.

You're dealing with the U.S. government, Herr Man.

Gunther. My name is Gunther.

Well, guess what, Gunther, the time for amenities is over,

so why don't you stay on this side?

Aha!

Let's see.

Whisk, ricer, fish mold.

Grater, juicer... What's this?

Wrong shape.

Killing you will be a pleasure, Mr. Fallon.

You forgot to take off your mustache, Hilda.

And what about that great lipstick?

A girl doesn't always have time to do her face properly.

You're sick!

Of course I am sick.

I kill people for money.

What normal person would do that?

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to shoot you.

Right, right.

But before you do, I'd like you to tell me something.

In fact, I'd like you to tell me two things.

I have two identities because it allows me to disappear whenever I need to.

Besides, I enjoy being a girl.

Ooooh!

Sorry!

Nice shoulders.

Give it up, Hilda!

I have a better idea.

I've been in worse spots than this.

You wouldn't hit a woman?

Uggh!

Uggh!

Hold it, babe, or I'll turn you into something else.

You wouldn't shoot a woman? Wait, forget I said that.

You move, you're dead.

I am Gunther now, you can trust me.

I have a split personality.

Don't we all?

You're just gonna have to take the fall for your sister.

Fortunately, you'll both fit in the same electric chair.

Hi. Are you all right?

Hey! Uhh!

I always carry a spare.

Evelyn, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, I was afraid of you being alone with a deadly assassin.

And you have proved to be most helpful.

Shoot me, and it's cookie city.

Sorry, Freddy.

World peace is at stake.

Go ahead and shoot right through me if you must.

I can't.

In that case, I will take my leave.

Auf Wiedersehen!

They got away.

Oh, Freddy!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just...

That was very sweet of you. I mean...

You know, like,

considering we hardly know each other and all.

I'll just have to get him tomorrow.

If he gets you first, I'd never forgive myself.

Me neither.

Mm!

Man, you should have seen Maltby.

Every piece had a beard and a sack of toys and everything.

Well, I see they took Big Bertha out.

Must be something important going down.

They never tell us anything.

Is that you, Jackson?

Yo, Jackson!

Come on, Jackson!

You sleeping on the job?

Jackson?!

Is he dead?

Wouldn't you be?

Maybe it's a suicide.

That's not how I would do it.

Still no sign of Freddy.

Don't go out there again, Hilda's lurking around somewhere.

I'm scared.

Don't be. Freddy will be protecting you.

That's why he's scared, Evelyn.

No. I'm nervous because I'll be translating

for the leader of my country.

Is too much?

-Maybe just a little.

Our ride is here.

Be careful, boys!

We'll be picking up the president first.

In exactly three minutes.

He'll be standing at the corner of 45th and Park.

That way, he won't attract any attention.

Back home, a family of six could live in a car like this.

Solid.

This baby is a rolling bank vault.

We call her Big Bertha.

You hit that security switch, no one gets in or out without a bomb.

She's soundproof, too, once I put the window up.

If you need me, just hit the intercom

and talk to me through the microphone.

Wow. Looks like you thought of everything.

That's right.

Everything.

You suppose we should shake hands with them?

Unless you'd like to curtsey.

Ooh, we're almost there.

Maybe we should move so that they can sit here.

Good thinking.

-Aaah! -Oh, boy!

-Surprise!

Don't bother with the intercom.

Let's talk this over, Gunther.

Call me Hilda.

There is nothing to talk over.

You'll kill us if we cry for help, won't you?

Yes.

At least she's honest.

Uri, if we don't do something,

the president of the United States

is gonna get in this car and be killed.

Or we can sacrifice our own lives and warn Freddy.

It's your decision, my friend. He's your president.

I never thought I'd say this,

but let's do it.

I'm with you, comrade.

Us Russians are as spontaneous as the next guy.

-Help! -Help us! Stop the car!

There's a crazy guy...

He doesn't hear us.

Oh, I disconnected the intercom.

Is cute, huh?

I'm very sorry, Alan.

Limo should be here soon, Mr. president.

Good. Now act natural.

We don't want to attract any attention.

The limo should be here soon, sir.

I feel like an idiot.

Are you sure you don't want us to come along, sir?

I've got complete faith in Agent Fallon.

After all, he's the one who saved Jimmy Carter from that giant rabbit.

This could be a more serious threat, Mr. President.

Well, I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't want to be in pieces

by an enormous rodent.

Then I guess you're relatively safe, sir.

The president will never know what hit him.

We've still got on outside chance.

What's that?

Not gonna tell you.

Here comes the limo. To the curb.

Step, slide, step, slide,

step, slide, step, slide.

What's happening? The limo didn't stop, sir.

What's happening?

The limo didn't stop, sir.

Something must have gone wrong.

Let's go back to the hotel. I want some vodka.

Hup hup hup hup hup...

Something must have gone wrong.

Let's head back to the hotel. I want some jelly beans.

You heard the man.

Step, slide, step, slide, step, slide...

Aaah! Who stepped on my foot?!

I'll get his name, sir.

OK, who stepped on the president's foot?

Didn't stop.

-A happy ending! - Not quite.

I am still going to kill you.

Stop doing that. It's making me nervous.

This guy is some lousy driver.

It's just rush-hour traffic, I think.

Oh, boy.

What? What now?

-That idiot is going to drown. -While we suffocate.

Hilda, why don't we lower the window and swim out while we still can?

We will outwait him.

Look, he's got some kind of breathing device.

That's not fair!

Alan, your friend is full of confidence.

His brain cells are probably dying.

He hasn't got much time left.

Wh-Where is he going?

It is getting close in here.

What is he doing now?

He seems to be checking under the hood.

Heil!

I do not understand.

He always was quite a kidder.

I think he is going to outwait us.

We will see.

I have a little surprise.

My plan is not working.

I will outwit him on the surface.

Away all boats!

Women and children first.

Where are you, Mr. Fallon?

Fight like a man!

I am!

Lucky for us you had that miniature scuba device.

No, it was actually just a flashlight.

A few more seconds, I would have drowned.

How did you know to drive the car into the river?

Alan gave me the old ear-tug signal from the college days.

It means "beat it, there's a girl in the room."

And only the real Freddy would know that signal.

Ready, set...

Go!

Now, that's how Freddy would have done it.

You rang?

Oh, I am so glad it's you again.

I wish that I could reciprocate the feeling.

Listen, this is a celebration, so we are gonna splurge.

I don't like buying friendship.

That's because you've got class, my friend.

President approved my expenses.

This should take care of the party at the Rossmores'.

You are now officially our best customer.

That's your problem.

Thank you.

So, is this a pregnant pause?

Go ahead, Freddy.

Go ahead and what?

Maybe we shouldn't ask in public.

Freddy's got something to tell you.

We had a little talk this afternoon.

-I'm scared. -You can do it, Freddy.

OK.

Uh, contrary to what you may have heard...

from me...

I'm Freddy.

You're Freddy?

You lied?

-He's Freddy. -He lied.

Evelyn, when I walked out on you,

I sat around for six months just asking myself why,

and I kept coming up empty.

Empty. That's all it added up to, even on my score card.

So I joined the CIA.

Boy, you did hit bottom.

For me, it was like joining the foreign legion,

without the sand.

Tell them the part about feeling vulnerable.

You're a hard man, Alan.

I did feel vulnerable.

I felt too vulnerable to ask you to trust me again.

So when this case came along,

a case that would probably get whoever handled it killed,

naturally I volunteered.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

I call it Freddy logic.

Go on, Freddy.

It's simple.

If you thought I wasn't Freddy and I got killed,

it wouldn't matter.

But if I didn't get killed and you could see that I wasn't

a... a jerk,

then... then maybe you could accept me as a...

good guy who just happened to look exactly like Freddy Fallon.

That's Freddy logic.

At its best.

Evelyn...

Would you accept this?

Oh, Freddy...

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Oh!

Freddy, that's the ring you took back when you left her.

Sure, I recognize the zircon.

I've never stopped wearing it in my heart.

You really are the only man in the whole world for me.

I just hope you haven't lost your touch.

Oh, you haven't.

Will you excuse us for a week or two?

Freddy, I've always excused you.

I'm with him.

What will you have, my darling wife?

It's not on the menu, Alan.

You called me Alan.

How do you know I'm not a spy who's undergone extensive plastic surgery?

-I have ways of finding out. -Oh, really?

Really.

Come with me.

Yes.