All language subtitles for Phffit

"Outside,
the night was as black
as a coal miner's...

"Outside, the night
was as black
as a coal miner's T-shirt.

"I turned slowly away
from the window.

"Then, for the first time
she could see
the automatic in my hand.

"Her eyes had that
funny, mad look I'd come
to know and fear.

"Her moist red lips
were half-parted.

"Then slowly, her eyes
never leaving my face,

"she began, one button
at a time, to undo the
front of her sweater."

- Robert!
- Huh? What is it?

Nothing.
Hmm?

Robert,
I want a divorce.

No.

Robert,
I want a... No.

Robert, I want a divorce.

Robert!

I want a divorce.

Oh.
Oh?

Oh!
Can't you do any
better than that?

No. I think
it's a very good idea.

As a matter of fact,
the same thought
had occurred to me.

You're lying in your teeth.

That's a typically childish
and immature way
of trying to save face.

The same thought
had occurred to me.

You just want me
to feel that you're the one
that wants a divorce.

Well, you're not.
I'm the one that
wants the divorce.

I'm the one.
Just remember that.
I'm the one.

I don't want to disillusion you,

but for the past six months

I've been trying to get up
enough courage to mention
the subject myself.

Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!

Oh, I've thought about it
constantly, night...
Lie! Lie!

As a matter
of fact, I even mentioned
it to Charlie Nelson.

Lie... You discussed
this with Charlie Nelson?

I did not say
I discussed it. I just
said I mentioned it.

You discussed this
with Charlie Nelson?

I only said, "Nina and I
have not been getting
along very well recently.

"I sometimes wonder
if it would not be better
if we were to get a divorce."

To which
Charlie replied...
What?

Charlie said, "It's
none of my business."

Oh, that's the absolute truth.

"It's none of my business,

"but as they say on
Broadway, if the show
is a flop, fold it."

Oh, that's so
beautifully expressed.

You can see what makes
Charlie Nelson such a
widely respected playwright.

Look, Charlie Nelson
is not only an old friend
and a valued client,

but That Was No Lady
was sold to Hollywood
for $75,000.

That suggests a certain
amount of respect.
That Was No Lady folded

in Philadelphia.
It wasn't worth 75 cents.

While we're having
the little discussion,

I'd just like you to know
I blame the whole thing
on your mother

and her beloved
Dr. Van Kessel.

Dr. Van Kessel is
a brilliant analyst.

Brilliant?
All he does
is sit there,

earning $25 an hour
listening to...
$50 an hour.

Listening to neurotic
women discussing
their sex lives.

You know...
He probably doesn't
even listen.

It's absolutely impossible
to carry on a discussion
with you on an adult level.

All right. Fine.
Good, good, good!

What grounds?
I don't know.

Any ground.

Mental cruelty.
Mental cruel...

Of all of the ridiculous...

As a matter of fact,
mental cruelty happens to fit
this situation very nicely.

It's just a legal phrase.

It has absolutely
no meaning whatsoever.

It only means that
for the past eight years

you've treated me
as if I were some kind of
feeble-minded child.

Oh!

You've done your best
to destroy me.

Destroy?
I don't even know
what that means.

You sound just like
Serena Noble.

Keep Serena Noble out of this.

That's another thing.

You've subjected me
and my work to ridicule,

and if that isn't
mental cruelty...

It doesn't make
any difference because
I won't contest it.

You won't contest it?
You can't contest it.

Not in a million years,
you can't contest it!

Well, now, Mrs. Tracy, ma'am,
as your lawyer, I ask you,

wasn't that a beautiful,
beautiful divorce?

A really lovely ceremony.

You mean it's really all over?

That's all there is to it?

Well, ma'am,
there's one thing more.

You could
take off your ring
if you wanted to.

Oh, yes. I forgot.

I can't seem to get it off.

It's been on such a long time.

A little saddle soap, ma'am.
Uh, yes.

I swear, when he said
"divorce granted,"

well, there was
tears in my eyes.

I always cry at divorces.

I don't know.
It was so quick.

Are you absolutely
sure it's legal?

Absolutely, ma'am.

I can hardly believe it.
It's too good to be true.

Well, ma'am, when two people,
down deep in their hearts,

know they really
hate each other,

that's the only thing
that matters.

Oh, we really hate
each other all right.
There's no doubt about that.

Of course you do.

And I know you two
are going to be very,
very happy.

Well, I am.
I know that.

In fact, I'm very,
very happy right now.

Lazy Acres Ranch, please.

Just get divorced, lady?
Uh-huh.

Well, you sure got
a nice day for it.

Uh-huh.

He never thought
I'd go through with it.

What did you say, lady?

Huh? Nothing.

Come again, lady.
No, no. Nothing.

Poor Robert.
I called his bluff.

He's probably
in a state of shock.

Probably never get over it.

Well, that's his problem.

He asked for it.
Got what was coming to him.

Poor Robert.

Right now he's probably
moving into some miserable,
lonely, little hotel room

with one window that
looks out over an airshaft.

* It's great to be
single again, again

* It's great
to be single again *

Well, this is it, boy.
Oh.

Home, sweet home.
I certainly appreciate your
letting me move in like this.

Ah, you're going to love
it here, Bobby.

Hey.
Huh?

This is your room in here.
Oh.

Freddie just moved out.
He got married again.

The poor, foolish,
head-strong boy.

Is there more stuff
down in the car?

No, I don't think so, Charlie.

We started out to get
a few of my personal things,
we ended up looting the joint.

Looting and pillaging.
Yeah.

And sacking. Looting
and pillaging and sacking.

And sacking.

There.

Uh-oh.
Huckleberry Finn?

Oh, yeah, that's
my personal copy.

It has great sentimental
value. My Uncle William
gave it to me

on my 12th birthday.

It says on the flyleaf,
there, it says,

"To little Robert,
a real boy, on his
12th birthday.

"His loving Uncle William."

Bobby.
Huh?

"To little Nina, on her
ninth birthday. Her
beloved Aunt Sarah."

It's an honest mistake.
She won't miss it anyway.

Good. Hey, what have
you got in here?

What? Oh, hey!
Wait a minute.

Wow!

I feel kind of guilty
about swiping this stuff.
Why?

Well, Nina is the one
who read about the
liquor sale at Macy's,

and she's the one who
lugged it all the way up to
Westport in the station wagon.

There's nothing
in the divorce agreement

giving Nina custody
of the liquor.

Well, it's very true.

As a matter of fact,
that's a well taken point.
Here, catch it, Charlie.

Sign that boy.

Yeah, sign. Hey,
you know, I can go to baseball
games now, if I wanted to.

Why not?
How about that, Charlie?

And professional football games.

Nina hated professional
football games.

Don't waste that stuff.
It's precious.

What have you
got in there?
Huh? Laundry.

There.

Well, now that you're
all moved in and settled

let's get down to the
business at hand.

Dames.
Huh?

Who are we going to get for you?

Hey, wait a minute,
Charlie, do me
one favor. No dames.

Huh?
Don't introduce me
to anyone.

The last time you
introduced me to a dame...
Thank you.

It was a disaster,
a total disaster.

You introduced me
to a dame, it took me
eight years to get over.

No thank you,
not again!
What are you talking about?

What dame? Who did I
introduce you to?

Nina, that's who
you introduced me to.

Yeah. That's right.
Man, that was
a long time ago.

1946.
We were still
in the Navy then.

Fighting the battle
of good old
90 Church Street.

Yeah, you were a big deal then.

A lieutenant
in public relations.

I remember that
afternoon only too well.
I was sitting at my desk

trying to get some
work done, and you came in.

In a jam, as usual.

- Say, Bobby.
- Yeah.

Bobby, I'm
in a terrible jam.
Mmm-hmm.

Bobby, I have to find a hero.

A what?
A hero. I just
promised the admiral.

You see, NBC
is doing a radio show,
a documentary on the Navy

and they're sending
a writer down here
to do some research,

and I just
guaranteed I'd find her
a real hero to talk to.

Well, go find her a hero.

Yeah.

You know, Bobby,
we've got a great bunch
of fellows down here.

The men of the
public relations command.

Men of the legal staff.

There's even one guy on
the third floor who was
actually on a ship once.

Yeah.

But we haven't got any heroes.

See? So, I was thinking, Bobby.

I was thinking,
maybe I could
introduce her to you.

Me?
Sure. It's very simple.

You tell her
a few war stories and
take her out to dinner.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

Bobby?
Hmm?

I don't like to
do this to you.
Hmm?

But I'm forced
to remind you that
I am in command here.

Huh?
Lieutenant Tracy,
I order you to be a hero.

Why, I could never
get away with it, Charlie.

What would I say to her?
Well...

Come in.
Oh, now. Hey, Charlie.

Lieutenant Nelson?
Aye, aye.

I'm Nina Chapman from NBC.

Well, it's a pleasure,
Miss Chapman.

I have somebody here
I want you to meet.

Lieutenant Robert Tracy.

He's here on secret business
for the admiral.

Lieutenant Tracy, this is
Miss Chapman from NBC.

How do you do?
A pleasure, Lieutenant.

I think he's just
what you want, ma'am,

a man who has ridden
into the jaws of death
and out again.

Oh, Charlie, please.

Miss Chapman, the face
may be young but the eyes,
the eyes are old.

Okay, kids, you're
on your own. I have
to be running along.

Uh, excuse me.
Charlie, now please,
will you...

Just sit down, please.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Lieutenant.
Hmm?

May I ask you
a personal question?
I guess so.

How long has it been
since you've seen a woman?

About 20 minutes.

Look, Miss Chapman,
I'd better warn you.

Charlie...
Lieutenant Nelson there

has rather a vivid
imagination and sometimes
he tends to exaggerate.

Would it be
too painful for you
to talk a little about...

What, this? Well, it's so
ridiculous, I'm ashamed
to talk about it.

Ashamed!
You should be proud!

Proud of what
Stephen Crane called
your red badge of courage.

I got my finger caught
in an adding machine.

It's about time I got rid
of this thing anyway.

You see, they have
so few wounded here
at 90 Church Street,

the doctors sometimes
lose their heads.

I regret to inform you,
Miss Chapman,

I spent the entire
war right here
in this office, you see.

And right now, I'm helping
the admiral prepare
his income tax return.

Well, look, I'm just a lawyer
on the admiral's staff.

I applied for sea duty
three times and
I was turned down.

I just happen
to be very good
at contracts, that's all.

I did manage...
Pardon me.

I did manage to save
the Navy $750,000
in the past three years

which is, in its own way,
a very valuable contribution
to the war effort.

$750,000?

Yes, it just doesn't
happen to seem
very heroic, that's all.

Oh, I think
that's very heroic.
And remarkable.

You do?
Oh, yes.
Take me, for instance.

I only earn $65 a week,
and I've been working
for the last three weeks

trying to figure out
my income tax.
It's still all mixed up.

I would be more than
delighted, of course,

to offer any help
and advice I can.

But, of course,
I couldn't do that
on the government's time.

Oh, of course not.
Won't you?

Well, if you would
like to have dinner
with me tonight,

well, I would be more
than happy to go over
your entire tax structure

and offer any help
and clarification
that I could.

Well, gee...
Well, shall we say, I'll
pick you up at 7:30 then?

Address, please.

Uh, 258 East 53rd.

Rental housing?

Huh? Oh, yes.

On a participation basis?

What?
You have a roommate?

No. Oh, my mother does
help out with the rent
though sometimes.

Oh, your mother lives with you?

Of course not.

Mother believes it's
very important for people
to live alone.

It develops independence
and character.

Well, until 7:30 then.
7:30.

Goodbye.
Bye-bye.

Oh!

Uh, Miss Chapman.
Yes.

Be sure and have
your canceled checks.
Oh, I will.

I certainly will.

I guess you do quite a lot
of entertaining at home
for business reasons.

No, I don't.

Well, that's too bad,
because that bottle of wine
for instance is deductible.

Deductible?
Uh-huh.
Of course, deductible.

Anything you spend
for tax advice

is an entirely legal
tax deduction.
Oh!

How many rooms
have you got here?
Well, this is it.

Oh.

Where do you sleep?

Oh, that's very tricky.
You just press a button

and the bed sort of
pops out of the wall.

What?
I'll show you.

It sort of goes whoosh!
Watch out!

That's wonderful.
That's amazing!

Gee! That's
American ingenuity.
Yeah.

It looks very
comfortable.
Uh, yes, it is.

That's wonderful.
It must work on a spring
principle, I imagine.

Yes. You press a button,
it comes out,

press another button,
it goes right back.

Watch out now,
you don't want to get
wounded in that other hand.

You know, I can't get
over that. It's...

Well, I'm afraid
you'll just have to.

Are you ready for my
cancelled checks now?

Uh, yes. I guess
we'd better get down
to business.

I think I have most
of them. I'm afraid
a few might be missing.

Missing?

I sent them to the laundry.
Hmm?

I had them in one of my pockets.

I picked them up in
the mailbox on the
way to the studio.

Well, that was on a Tuesday.

I mean, that's the day
the laundry gets sent out.

What?
Well, it could happen
to anyone.

Well, we won't worry
about it. We'll just do
the best we can.

Oh.

Now the idea is first
to separate the checks
into two stacks.

You see, deductible
and non-deductible.
I see.

Now, for instance,
who or what
is Otis J. Lohman?

Who?
Who or what
is Otis J. Lohman.

On March fourth
you wrote a check
for $14.37

to an Otis J. Lohman.
Do you have any idea
what that might be for?

No.

It's interesting, really.
It's very interesting.

What?

Well, it's wonderful really.

I always say,
you can never really get
to know a person well

until you've been through
her cancelled checks.

You can't?

No. Beats psychiatry,
palm reading

and, you know,
feeling the bumps
on someone's head.

Phrenology?
Yeah.

Well, anyhow, I can tell
everything about a person
from their cancelled checks.

Can you tell about me?
Everything.

Everything?

Everything.

Well, is it all right?

Oh, yes. You're frivolous,
romantic, generous,

somewhat
over-impulsive,
you're ambitious.

You're a little scatter-brained,

and you also have a
weakness for lacy underwear.

That's uncanny.

You're also very pretty,
you're very sweet

and you like to be kissed.

Oh! The checks.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.
You can send those
to the laundry, too.

Maybe, before this goes
any further, I ought to look
at your cancelled checks.

Oh, you'll find I'm honest,

thrifty, methodical,
sober, upright and
really kind of dull.

I don't believe it.
Don't say
I didn't warn you.

I won't.

That certainly
was an exciting summer
for both of us.

You remember, Charlie.

It wasn't very long
after I met Nina that
she got a promotion.

Her first chance to
write a radio show.

And it was just about
the same time

I was in line
to get somewhat
of a promotion myself.

Cynthia,
I've come back to you.

I couldn't stay away any longer.

Oh, Steve.
Life has been
an empty shell.

For me too, Steve.

I too, have been living a lie.

I realize, Cynthia,
you've a million dollars
in your own right,

that you have a Rolls-Royce,
a personal maid, a town house,

a country house
and six mink coats.

Oh, Steve.

Darling, I want to take
you away from all this.

Away from this tinsel,
empty existence.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, perhaps we'll starve,
but at least we shall
be together.

We won't have to starve, Steve.

That invention of yours,
I showed it to Dad,

and he's buying it
for a million dollars.
Darling!

Darling!

Why, you must be crazy.
I'll get fired.

What happened?
What happened?

My discharge is coming
through next week.

Oh, Robert, that's wonderful.

Listen, you've heard of the firm

Englebach, Hurst,
McCarren and Lord,
Attorneys at Law?

No.
Yeah, well,
as of next week,

it's going to be
Engelbach, Hurst,
McCarren and Lord,

Attorneys at Law,
Associate, Robert Tracy.

Oh, Robert.
So starting next week,

I'm going to be
a starving lawyer.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Come on, let's eat.

Nina.
Yes?

I've been thinking.
Yeah?

About your income tax situation.

Do we have
to discuss that tonight?

Well, now wait. Now,
this is very important.

You have a basic salaried
income of $3,380 per annum.
Is that correct?

That's right. If that's
what $65 a week comes to.

Yes. I don't see
why we have
to discuss it.

Well, now I shall
shortly be earning
$5,200 myself.

And to get to the point,
if we were to file
a joint return,

it would seem to me
that with the two
exemptions,

the joint return may not
only be feasible, but actually
economically very sound.

Indeed, tax wise.

All right.

I didn't think
you could do that,

file a joint return
just like that.

I thought you had to be
married or something.

Oh! Oh!

It was just like a movie,
you know,

they were married
and they lived
happily ever after.

Until eight years later,
when they got a divorce.

It's the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Well, it's all over.
It's all settled. Forget it.

One thing, Bobby.
Just one thing.

If two people
are to live together
harmoniously,

a certain amount
of intelligent planning
is necessary.

That's where Sam comes in.

Hmm? What?
So... Oh, I forget.

Come on, I want you
to meet Sam.
What?

He's a very important
member of this household.

Here.

This is Sam.

When Freddie lived here
we worked out this system.

Well, Charlie,
I don't even know what
you're talking about.

Oh, visitors, guests, callers.

Maybe even clients.

For instance,
supposing some night
you're entertaining

a visitor,
or guest or caller
or maybe even a client,

and for some reason or other

it would be inconvenient
to have me interrupt,

and you want to inform me
as discreetly as possible,

that the apartment is occupied.

What you do is simply this.

Then later on,
when the coast is clear...

Huh?
Well...

Well, Charlie,
I never see clients anywhere
except at the office.

Well, my boy,
a situation may arise.

And if it does, remember...

So...

Flight 511
from San Francisco,

Reno and Chicago
now arriving at Gate 10.

Darling, you look
just marvelous.

I never felt better
in my life, Mother.

Edith. You promised
to call me Edith.

I feel as if a great,
big weight had been
lifted off my shoulders.

Of course you do, and it has.

You didn't have
to come all the way
out here to meet me.

I know, but I wanted to.

I had to cancel my
11:00 appointment with
Dr. Van Kessel,

but it was worth it.

Now, Dr. Van Kessel
will try to tell me
that the reason I came

was because I really
wanted to cancel
the appointment.

And that meeting you
was just an excuse
for avoiding him.

And we'll spend all of next week

analyzing the source
of my hostility toward him,
but I don't care.

Come on now,
we'll pick up your bags.

Oh, I have to go
to NBC first.
NBC can wait.

First, I'm taking you to lunch.

We'll have thousands of martinis

and all the most
expensive things
on the menu.

The Barbery Room, huh?
Of course.

I have lunch here
every day.
I know.

So does everybody
else in New York.

I wish we were going
someplace quiet.

Oh, don't be absurd.

You will be a darling bunny

and take care of the
car, won't you?
Certainly, Mrs. Chapman.

Mrs. Chapman,
oh, Mrs. Chapman.
Hello, Teddy.

Say, I have your table
ready for you.

A reservation for two,
was it not?

For two, yes.

Did you really reserve a table?

Of course not. Teddy is
such a darling bunny.

You really are
wonderful, Mother.

What's the matter, darling?
You look as though
you've seen a...

Oh.
I told you we shouldn't
have come here.

Let's get out of here.
Now don't be absurd.

I think I'm going to be sick.

In a divorce situation,
a first meeting,

particularly an accidental
one, is bound to be
mildly traumatic.

But you mustn't let it
get the best of you,
or you'll be lost.

Lost, lost, lost.

Look, he sees us.
What do I do?

Just because he happens
to be infantile and neurotic,

there's no reason
for you to be anything
but civilized and adult.

Just smile politely and wave so.

I told you I didn't
want to come here.

I knew that phony dame
was going to drag
her in here for lunch.

Let's drink these and get out.

Oh, come on, boy.
Pull yourself together.

What are you afraid of?

You've got to be
civilized about this.

Besides, we were here first.

If they don't like it,
let them leave.

Look at his face.
Very embarrassed.

Well, if he doesn't
like it, let him leave.

Yeah, you're right, Charlie.
You're absolutely right.
Sure.

I'll have one more
of the same, please.

Make mine a double.

Waiter, we'll have
two of your divine martinis.

Make mine a double.

This was bound
to happen sooner
or later.

It's much better this way.
Yeah.

Now it's over.
Yeah, I suppose so.

Do you suppose I should
go over there and just
say hello or something?

Of course not. Just
pretend they're not here.

Do you think I should
go over there and speak
to him or something?

Send a note?
Certainly not.

Just ignore them.

I wouldn't go over there
anyway with her mother there.

As a matter of fact,
I blame this whole thing
on her mother.

Really? I've always thought
she was a charming
and attractive woman.

Charming and... She's
an interior decorator.
I hate interior decorators.

Do you know what
she wanted to get us?
Hmm?

A round bed.

A what?
A round bed.

That's an interesting idea.

She thought it would
be very chic.

So I said, "All right."
So I get the round bed,

now where do I get
the round sheets,
and the round blankets,

and the round pillow cases?
She never thought of that!

Waiter, I'll have
one more of the same.
Oh, thank you.

I don't know,
I just have no use
in this world whatsoever

for interior decorators.
Am I boring you?

No, not at all.
I was just thinking
about that round bed.

We never had any
interior decorators in that
old apartment of Nina's.

With that crazy old bed.

It used to go whoosh
when it came out of the wall.

Just like that, it used
to just go whoosh
when it came out.

Whoosh!

Whoosh!

I've got a confession to make.

I broke into your house
while you were away and
redid your entire bedroom.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that.

You'll never believe it
until you've seen it.

And that darling bunny
on the eighth floor
at Lord and Taylor's

promised to make you
a round quilt.

I'm no longer
interested in beds.

You've got to stop
brooding this way.

You've got to try and make
a successful adjustment.

I've seen this coming
for a long time.

Well, she can do
anything she wants
to Nina's bedroom now.

Anything she wants to, at all.

Look at him!
Sitting there belting
martinis with Charlie Nelson.

Look at him.

I don't know what's going
to happen to him
and I don't care.

Probably live on whiskey
and French fried potatoes.

Get fat, lose all his clients.

I don't know what
he's going to do
and I don't care.

I don't know why
I ever married him
in the first place.

I was afraid of
being an old maid.

I wasn't nearly this
attractive then, either.

I didn't realize
that there are
certain women like me

who get more attractive
as they mature.

I thought by the time
I was 30 I was going
to be lined and gray.

How did I know
I was suddenly going
to blossom out

into a raving, screaming
beauty with my own
television show

and an income of $40,000 a year?

How did I know?

I'm well out of it, that's all.

I'm free, free!
You don't know
what that means.

And I'm going to enjoy it.

El Morocco every night
and men, millions of men!

Poor, miserable creatures
groveling at my feet!

I'm going to be
a combination of
Sadie Thompson,

Forever Amber and
Scarlett O'Hammer,
all rolled up into one.

I'm going to be
passion's plaything.

Welcome back,
Miss Chapman.
Thank you.

Camera one.

I think we've won,
Serena. I think we've won.

Congratulations, Nina.
Thank you.

Congratulations, Nina.

Great to have you back.
Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I am so proud
of you, my darling.

So terribly, terribly proud.

It was nothing,
Serena. Nothing at all.

I merely did my duty.

You took a desperate
chance, John,
dynamiting the water works.

I merely did what
I had to, Serena.

The water was contaminated.

You need some rest, John.
You haven't slept in the
past three nights.

What about you, little Serena?

For the past three nights
you've been by my side,

fighting this epidemic with me.

It's different
for a woman somehow.

Easier.

Without you, Serena,

I never could
have stopped this
terrible epidemic.

But you did it,
my darling. That's all
that matters. You did it.

We did it, my darling.

We did it.

Well, that does it.

It's a real good show.
Thank you.

All right, boys,
wrap it up.

Hello, how are you?

Welcome back,
Miss Chapman.
Thank you very much.

Nice seeing you,
Miss Chapman.
Nice seeing you.

Hello.
Oh, thank you.
Wonderful show.

Did you have
a nice trip?
Fine, thank you.

Good, glad to hear it.

Well, Rick Vidal!

Well, hello.

Hey, before these
wolves have a chance
to tear you apart,

let me get my claim in, huh?

Are you free for dinner tonight?

Yes. I guess I am.

It's a wonderful feeling.

I haven't been free
for anything in eight years.

Sure, sure.
I'm free for dinner.

I'm glad I got there
firstest with the mostest.

Say, you know,
you ought to watch
yourself, darling.

This town is just
full of guys who are
waiting for gals like you.

It is?
Uh-huh.

8:00 then?
8:00.

I'm staying at Mother's,
516 Park.

Just ask for Sadie.
Sadie?

Thompson.

Cab, please.
You look ravishing,
Miss Thompson.

Or may I call you Sadie?

Oh, you may call me Sadie
or Amber or Scarlett

or anything you want.

I think I'll stick to darling.

Where would you
like to go?
I don't know.

It's been so long
since I've been out.

What have they got?

Just leave it to me.
We'll go where
there's music,

soft lights, dancing.

Oh, it sounds delicious,
simply delicious.

It will be, I promise.

A rumba, to me
the most exciting
of all dances.

Shall we?
No! I mean no.

I feel silly but I never
learned to rumba.

Robert and I
were going to take
lessons together,

but we never did.
It's easy.

Let me teach you.
Oh, no. I'd rather not.

This has been so lovely.

I don't want to spoil
it all by stepping
all over your feet.

That's impossible.
You couldn't do that.

Oh, lovely. Lovely.

Absolutely exquisite.

Yes, you.
Well...

Darling, I have an idea.

I know a wonderful
place. It's very dark
and very quiet.

Where we can talk.
But I sort of
like it here.

Oh, no. This place?

The place I know
is much better,
much more intime.

Where is this place?

My apartment.

Your apartment?

My apartment.

Well, I've never been
to a man's apartment.

Except, of course, my husband's.

And that was all right,
because I lived there, too.

You know what I mean.
Yes, I know.

I think it's charming.
Terribly, terribly
sweet and charming.

You do?
Yes, I do.

Well, you
certainly have a very
forceful personality,

and you sort of smell good, too.

Oh, all right, let's go.
It sounds lovely.

It will be.
I promise.

Nice place you've got here.

Just a simple
bachelor's apartment.

Come on, sit down.

Come on, sit here by me.

Don't be afraid.
I want to talk to you.

Nina, I can't tell you

how very much I've wanted
the chance to get
to know you better.

To have you get to know me.

There's so many things
I want to tell you.

So many things I'd like to do.

Yes.

Well, first of all,
that dame that plays
Serena louses me up

every minute we're on the air.

Now let's face it, Nina.

You know as well as I do
that this is the man's show.

I carry the entire program
right on my back.

Now I've been thinking,

I don't want
to tell you how to write
the scripts, of course,

the scripts are brilliant.

But if you could just
write the dame out of
the show for a week or so,

maybe she could have an accident

and be unconscious
for a week or something.

You know, put her
in her convertible and let
her drive it over the cliff

or put her up
in a plane and let it
disintegrate in midair.

You can handle it.
Anything.

Just so the audience
will get a chance
to know me.

I promise you that rating
wise, it would be a tremendous
lift for the show, and...

Hey!

What did I do?

You goofed!

"Outside,
the night was as black
as a coal miner's T-shirt.

"I turned slowly away
from the window
and faced her.

"Then, for the first time,
she could see
the automatic in my hand."

Hey, Bobby.
What, what is it, Charlie?

Come on, boy,
you can't just
sit around this place.

You'll go stir-crazy.

A man gets divorced,
what he needs

is to get out and
meet some new people.

Now, I've got
a great girl for you.
Let me call her, huh?

I'm perfectly happy
just sitting here
reading, Charlie.

Okay.

"For a long moment,
she stared at me in silence.

"Her eyes had that funny,
mad look I'd come
to know and fear.

"Her moist red lips
were half-parted.

"Then slowly, her eyes
never leaving my face,
she began..."

Hey, Bobby.

Charlie, I'm trying to read.

You know I got divorced
for this very same reason.
Now will you please stop?

You were married too
long, that's the trouble.
You lost your touch.

You got it...

I'm going
to call this girl,
her name is Janis.

I don't care if her name is...

Charlie, it's just
that I wouldn't even
know what to do.

There's nothing to it,
you buy her dinner,

a few drinks,
hand her some laughs.

From then on,
you're on your own.
Hey, wait a minute.

Are you actually...
Hey, stop.
Will you stop arguing?

It's ringing. She may
not even be home.
Charlie.

Hello. Hello, Janis.
Janis, this is your
dream man, Charlie.

Oh, you wouldn't.
Charlie Nelson, the answer
to a young girl's prayer.

Sure, you remember.
That's right.

That's right,
that's right.

I'll come up sometime
and we'll play Pony Express.

Pony Express?

Well, that's like
post office only
a little more horsing around.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Yeah, I know I'm terrible.
That's why you love me
so much, huh?

Yeah, look, beautiful,
there's this friend of mine,

a wonderful guy named Bob Tracy.

Oh, for... This is
embarrassing, Charlie.

He's a great guy,
a million laughs and
he's dying to meet you.

Are you doing anything tonight?

Honestly, I don't
feel very well,
Charlie, honest.

How about dinner?
A million laughs,
I guarantee you.

Yeah, okay. He'll pick
you up about 8:00.

Tracy, that's right,
Bob Tracy. Uh-huh, bye.

Come on, boy,
snap out of it.
You're in for a ball.

Good evening. My name
is Robert Tracy,

and Charlie Nelson said...
Oh, come on in.

Come on. I'll be
ready in just a minute.

You know, it's
the funniest thing.

When Charlie called
me up tonight

I was just about to
open a can of spaghetti.

Well, I'm certainly glad
you didn't do that.
Well, me, too.

I hate to cook.
Turn around.

I beg your pardon?

Well, turn around.
I have to finish dressing.

Oh, of course,
certainly.
I'm very sorry.

Speaking about spaghetti,

you'd be surprised
at how many fellas you
go out on dates with

who don't like
to buy you any dinner.

They'll buy you
anything you want
to drink all right,

but not to eat.

What I think is,
they just want
to get you plastered.

I think maybe I ought
to pull this curtain.

There seems to be
somebody staring at you
from across the court.

Oh, no, don't do that.

My girlfriend and I,
we never pull the curtain.

We just have a ball with him.

You know,
that boy must be
a nervous wreck.

We never let him
get any sleep at all.

Some day he's going to flip
his lid or fall out of the
window or something.

Don't you think that's a scream?

Well, I should think
you'd call the police.

Oh, no, that would
spoil everything.

After all, he's
been so patient,
it only seems fair.

Okay, you can turn around now.

You look lovely.
Where would you
care to have dinner?

Oh, I know a real dreamy place.

It's real cute. Come on,
just stick with me.

I get the biggest
kick out of this place.

All the boys here are from Yale.

Hello.
Janis.

Hi, George.

Hello, Janis.
Hello.

Hi, Janis.
How've you been?

I suddenly feel
kind of old, among
all these crew-cuts.

You know something.
Hmm?

I was at the spring
prom at Yale last year.

This Yale boy's roommate
made a bet with him

that he wouldn't
dare ask me,
but he did.

He's at Harvard now.

That figures.

Hey, Janis, get the pompoms.

Come on, Janis.

Where are
the pompoms?
We want Janis.

It's your song, Janis.

* Boola boola, boola boola

* Boola boola, boola boola

* When we're through
with those poor fellows

* They will holler boola boo

* Rah, rah!

* Oh, Yale, Eli Yale

* Oh, Yale, Eli Yale

* Oh, Yale, Eli Yale

Good going, Janis!

* Eli Yale

Nice work, girl.
Oh,
you're swell, Janis.

Sometimes I think
I should have
gone to college.

You know, there's
so much a person
can get out of college.

Yes, that's certainly true.

You may not believe this

but they were going
to give me a scholarship
to this college,

but I decided not
to take it. I wanted to
keep on with my dancing.

Well, that's very
interesting. What
college was that?

What?
Where they offered
you a scholarship?

Oh, some
little jerkwater
college back home.

Here, put your
hot one up against
my cold one,

and make my cold one hot.

That means give me a light.

That's what Charlie Nelson
always says when he
wants to light a cigarette

from somebody else's cigarette.

I think it's real cute.

I mean, you could
really bust something
laughing at Charlie.

In what subject
did you almost
get this scholarship?

I don't know why
this fascinates me so.

Music.
Music?

I won runner-up
in the all state
drum majorette contest.

Hey, let's dance.
No!

I mean, to tell you
the truth, I can't...
What is... Rumba.

I was going to take
some lessons, but I never
quite got around to it.

Oh. Well, that's all right.

Sometimes, it's a lot more fun

just to sit and have
a serious conversation.

Maybe we could go up
to your place where
it's more quiet.

My place?
I think it'd be
dreamy. Don't you?

Well, yes, well,
it would... Dreamy.

Well, this is home.

I share the apartment
with Charlie, you know.

You known Charlie a long time?

Oh, yes. We were
in the Navy together

and I have been
his lawyer for years.

Would you like
a drink? Would whiskey
be all right?

Well, sure.
I think whiskey
would be dreamy.

Oh, we
don't seem to have
any ice.

Charlie
forgot to put water
in the trays.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

I'd just as soon have
a little straightie.

Oh.

You know, it's
the funniest thing,
did I tell you.

Hmm?
When Charlie called
me up tonight,

I was just about
to give up and open
a can of spaghetti.

Spaghetti, yes, canned
spaghetti. You told me
about that.

Well, good luck.
I'm sorry about
the ice.

Say, are you married?

Well, I was.
I'm divorced now.

What made you get divorced?

Was it another woman?

Well, no, no.
It was nothing
like that.

Oh, no? Well,
what happened
then?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I was cruel
to her.

No kidding.
Well, only mentally,
of course,

I mean by that
I disparaged her work,
for one thing.

And I was also
incompatible and
frequently moody

and unresponsive and
insulted her in front
of her friends, and...

Oh. I thought
maybe it was
something,

well, you know,
kind of interesting.

No, it was nothing interesting.

How long have you been divorced?

A couple of days.
Oh.

Maybe we should
have another drink.

All right.

It's not very
good without ice,
I'm afraid.

Don't worry about it.

Say, I've got a good idea.

Maybe we could
go out someplace
else later on.

Have you seen
the show at the Copa?

Oh, no. I don't go
to the Copa very much.

Well, at least
they have ice
at the Copa.

You know, it seems
awful funny that you're
a friend of Charlie's.

You know,
you're not even
a little bit like him.

You're more the
quiet, moody type.

In some ways,
you're very
cute, though.

Well, I'm afraid
this is awfully
dull for you.

I mean, I'm kind of
depressed tonight.

But sometimes I'm
pretty much of a
riot myself, but it...

Oh, I bet you are.
Yeah.

You know, you really
ought to try and
cheer up, though.

Here, maybe this'll help you.

That didn't seem
to do any good
at all.

Say, what's the
matter with you,
anyway?

I don't know.
I'm sorry,

but the whole
thing is a mistake,
that's all.

I told Charlie it
was, but you know
Charlie. It's...

And I'm still upset
and everything. This...

I'm not very
good company,
you see.

I don't even have any ice.

Maybe the best thing
I could do would be
just to take you home.

Don't worry about it.
I mean, it's quite
all right.

I can take a cab.

Oh, well, no.
Really, I mean...

Don't worry about it.

Well, then, I'll
call you again
sometime, maybe.

You do that.
I will, I...

That'll be fine.

All right.
Well, good night.
Good night.

Say, how long were
you married to that
dame anyway?

About eight years.

She was pretty special?

Well, she was different.

I've got a flash for you.

That much different
she couldn't be.
Good night.

"Then slowly,
her eyes never leaving
my face,

"she began, one button
at a time, to undo the
front of her sweater."

Purse the lips and say "eu."

Madame.
Yes.

The "eu" sound
is the foundation,

the very rock of
Gibraltar on which the
French language is based.

There is, I assume,
some personal and
compelling reason

for madame's desire
to master French.

A trip to Europe, perhaps?

Well, something like that.

May one ask a
question of
personal nature?

Of course.

Madame has recently
been divorced?

Yes.

C'est un grand malheur.

How sad.

Oh, it isn't a bit sad.

It's the best thing
that ever happened
to me.

Why did you ask that?

So many of our students have
recently been divorced.

It's most interesting.

During the first
few months after
a divorce,

one almost always
decides to devote
oneself

to something serious
and worthwhile.

As for example,
the United Nations.

Hmm. It's very odd.
The psychology.

One has been unable
to save one's marriage,

so now one will
compensate by saving
the world.

Forgive me, Madame.
Forgive me.

I am perhaps too outspoken.

My sincerest apologies.

It's all right.

Let's try it once again, huh?

I have great optimism.

It's only a matter
of time, in the soft
palate, huh?

Now, purse the lips.

Very nice. Very nice.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that's what
we call progress.

Give me those
hips a bit
more, will you?

Get this. A close shot,
Elaine's sweater.

"Slowly, her eyes
never leaving his face,

"she begins, one
button at a time
to unbutton it."

Pretty good,
huh, Marcia? That'll
fracture 'em.

Oh, it's wonderful,
Mr. Nelson.
Just wonderful.

But this time, Brannigan...

As your lawyer,
you can't do that,
it's plagiarism.

You're stealing again.

Stealing? Who's stealing?
I'm changing the names.

Oh!

Look, Marcia,
let's take a break.

We've done enough
for today, anyway.

Now you type that
stuff up, and we'll get
a fresh start tomorrow.

Let's make it early,
around 11:00.

All right, Mr. Nelson.

Look, Charlie, listen.
I saved you from one
plagiarism suit.

I may not be able
to do that again.

Now you've got to try
to be more careful.

Bobby, I don't like
to discuss my work.

You take care of
the business, I'll
handle the art.

Goodbye,
Mr. Nelson.
Goodbye, Marcia.

Now, look...
How about that?
Is that great?

Are you busy tonight?
Maybe I can fix you
up a date.

No! Please! I will
not go through
that again.

I just don't seem to
have anything to say
to 20-year-old girls anymore.

The trouble with
you, boy, you're
in a rut.

Mentally you're still
married to the girl
that divorced you.

You handle her
television business,
her income tax...

Well, other members of
the firm insisted on that.
She's a very valuable client.

It's as though you're
still married but none
of the advantages.

Look, why don't
you take Marcia out,
be my guest.

No, Charlie. Please.
Now, Bobby.

The big thing a man
gets divorced, he's got
to learn how to expand,

how to grow.

You got to start
from the bottom and
work your way up.

You got to change
your personality,
your clothes,

grow a mustache.

Grow a mustache?
Sure.

I'd probably look
like Groucho Marx.

A mustache is a
very important thing.

That's part of
the famous Charlie
Nelson theory

on the efficacy of
face hair in dealing
with the opposite sex.

What?

Always remember this,

dames become unpredictable
when faced with a mustache.

It both arouses and angers them,

because being as
it is a symbol of
masculinity,

they feel drawn toward it.

Oh, it's no use, Charlie.

I have no interest,
whatsoever, in growing
a mustache! A mustache!

And I have no interest
in girls like Janis
or that Marcia.

We have nothing to talk about.

Look, Bobby, Janis is basic.

You got to make
it with a Janis
or you're dead.

Besides, who says
you got to talk to them?

You're back in the
jungle, boy, you're
a hungry tiger,

a lithe, young animal.

I'm a lithe, middle-aged animal.

Bobby, there's
nothing to it, you've
got to do it.

Look, Charlie, I don't
know. I just don't know.

Bobby, look.

You put yourself
in my hands for
one week,

I guarantee you
that at the end
of that time,

you won't be
able to recognize
yourself.

Yeah.

Loose, loose, loose,
loose, loosen up.

Dance with me loose,
loose, loose, loose,
loosen up.

Limp, limp, limp, limp.

I just can't seem
to get the hang of it.
It looks easy enough.

Stand back and watch
me for a minute.

Notice the hips swing,

swing, swing, swing the hips,

swing the bottom,

swing, relax.

Swing, swing, swing, swing, ole!

Let your knees
go limp, limp, limp.

Limp, limp, limp.
Let your knees go
limp, limp, limp.

Cigarette?
No, thank you.

Alfonse.

I have a very nice
table for you, Mr. Tracy.

Would you like to dance?

Love to.

Nice orchestra.

Would you like
to dance?
Oh, no, Tommy.

Let's just sit for awhile.

I've danced more
in the last
few weeks

than I have in
the last eight years.

My ex-husband doesn't dance.

I think I've changed my mind.

Let's try it.

Mambo!

Mambo?

Mambo!

Mambo!

Ole!

Ole!
Ole!

Ole!

Ole?

Good morning, Mr. Tracy.

Good morning.

Good morning,
Mr. Tracy.
Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Tracy.

Ole!
Good morning, Mr. Tracy.

Good morning. Good
morning. Pardon me.
Good morning.

Good morning, Miss Comstock.

Good morning, Mr. Tracy.

Miss Comstock, would
you please bring me

all the Serena
Corporation books,

and the Nina Tracy
personal tax folder,
right away?

Today, Mr. Tracy?
Certainly today.

What's the matter with today?

But you got an
extension from them

because of Mrs. Tracy's
absence in Reno.

You needn't file
for another month.

Yes, well, yours is
not to reason why,
Miss Comstock.

Yours is but to finish
eating your breakfast
and bring me the folder.

Here you are, Mr. Tracy.

Thank you, Miss Comstock.

Miss Comstock, any papers
you bring me are a meal
in themselves.

Would you get me
Mrs. Tracy up in
the country, please?

Yes, Mr. Tracy.

Ole!

Hello.

Hello, is Mrs. Tracy, uh...

Is Miss Chapman in?

I'm sorry, but
she hasn't come
down yet.

Oh. Well, would
you tell her,
her attorney called?

Is there any message?

Yes, ask her to call me,

and ask her if
she remembers what
day it is.

I'll do that.

Good morning.
Oh, good morning,
Miss Chapman.

I know we're having
the agency boys
in at 11:00.

Are there any other troubles?

There was something
here. Now, let's see.

Oh, yes, your attorney called.

My attorney?

Yes, Mr. Tracy.
Oh!

He was just being cute.

He wants you to
call him. And he
left a message.

He said to ask you
if you remembered
what day it is.

What day it is?

April 15th.

April 15th.

What's so special
about April 15th?

I don't know.

Robert's birthday
is in September,
my birthday's in August.

Anniversary was in May.

Maybe you'd better call him.

Yes?
I have
Miss Chapman on the phone.

Put her on, please.

Hello.
Hello.

I got your message,
and I give up.

What day is it?

Income tax day.

Income tax day?

I thought they gave
us another month's
extension.

Well, no, no, no, no.
I think it would be
much wiser

to get at it right away.

Now I could drive up there
this evening,

and we could go
over the whole thing.

That is, if you're
not going to be busy
or anything,

or dancing or something.

Well, I do have a date.

As a matter of fact,
I have two dates,

but I could get out of them.

Well, I wouldn't want
to inconvenience you.

Oh, no, no.
Taxes are important.

That's very true.

How about 8:30?

8:30 is fine.

Good. Good.
I'll see you then.

And I'll have
all the cancelled
checks.

Goodbye. Bye.

What day was it?

Income tax day.

Good evening.
Good evening.

Won't you come in?
Thank you.

It was very nice
of you to drive all
the way up here.

Oh, well, you're
a valued client.
It was a pleasure.

You're very kind.

You look lovely.

Thank you.
So do you.

Thank you.

I've never
seen you dress
like that before.

A waistcoat and everything.

Oh, the stripes go
all the way around,
you see.

It was made in Italy.

Charlie Nelson's tailor
imports them for me.

Well, maybe we'd
better get down
to business.

The papers are
upstairs. I'll
show you the way.

I know the way.

Oh, yes. I forgot.

After you.

Thank you.

Watch out for
the carpet.
It's loose.

Oh, thank you.

I've got the
cancelled checks
all laid out.

Oh, this is new.

Yes, it is.
It's round.

It's the roundest
thing I ever saw.

Hmm, yes.

Well...

Bergdorf Goodman, Lord
and Taylor, Jean Louis,
Bonwit Teller...

You seem to
have had substantial
clothing bills.

Yes. One goes out
so frequently now

and one hadn't bought
any clothes in years
because no one took

one anywhere, except to the
movies once in a while.

I see.

Is there a check
for the bed
anywhere in here?

No, no, I didn't pay for that.

It was a present from Edith.

From Edith?
Yes.

It's too bad you
didn't pay for it.

It would have been deductible.

Deductible?
Office furniture.

$39.40 to the
Arthur Murray
Dance Studios.

That's an odd thing
for someone at your
time of life.

My time of life?

These checks indicate
a new and rather
frightening tendency

towards instability.
My time of life?

As your attorney,
I suggest that you just
take it a little easy

and settle down.
Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Take it a little easy.

I mean, one hates
to see a middle-aged
woman making a...

Middle-aged woman?
...spectacle out
of herself.

What about certain
middle-aged gentlemen
who lose their heads

and go running around
after girls young enough
to be their daughters,

who grow a mustache?

Let's leave my must...
What's the matter
with my mustache?

Oh, nothing, nothing.
Huh?

Except it happens
to make you look
perfectly ridiculous.

Take my advice, shave it off.

Take my advice,
get rid of this
idiotic bed.

If you knew
what you looked like
in that silly vest

and that mustache.

You look like a gigolo.

You don't even look
like a gigolo. You look
like Groucho Marx.

Maybe I should get
somebody else to
look over your checks.

What?
Maybe I should
get somebody else

to come look over your checks.

I don't think
you've changed
one bit.

No. I haven't
changed a bit.
Neither have you.

I'll get somebody else, I guess.

You go right ahead and do that.

I'd be very
glad to.
You go ahead.

Because I never
want to see you again
as long as I live.

Never.
Very good!

Very good!

Look out for the stairs.

Edith.

I just caught a
glimpse of the most
fascinating looking man

in the most adorable
little sports car
I've ever seen.

That was Robert.

What was he doing here?

He just came to
go over the
income tax.

Oh. This came this morning.

I couldn't wait
to bring it to you.

Something to keep
your feet warm
in bed.

Open it. Open it.

What is it?

It works on AC
and DC. It's round.

It's beautiful.

Darling. What's the matter?

I'm miserable.

Darling, I'm going
to be very frank
with you.

You cannot live alone like this.

It's not normal.
It's not healthy.

You've got to
find yourself an
attractive man.

Oh, no.

This is a very common problem,

and I know exactly
what Dr. Van Kessel
would tell you.

Find yourself an attractive man.

How about Rick Vidal?
He's certainly attractive.

But I'm not in love with him.

Not in love with...

Nina, you have got
to stop thinking like
a high school girl.

Love, whatever that really is,

is something that
occurs rarely, if ever.

Meanwhile, life must go on.

I think, maybe,
I'm still in love
with Robert.

Nonsense. That's just
a neurotic refusal
to face the facts.

I'm sure Dr. Van Kessel
would agree.

What you must do is
coolly and carefully

select a man who
is attractive to you,
then go after him.

Think of it as
medicinal, something
that has to be done.

You can't go on
this way much
longer, you know.

No. I can't go
on like this.
I really can't.

Oh! Would you mind
taking the car?

I love this game,
an excellent outlet
for aggressions.

It's pretty good exercise too.

Each time I hit
the ball, I pretend
in my mind

that I'm in fact
hitting one of
my patients.

Oh, you're a
doctor then?
Psychoanalyst.

This for you, dear lady,
on the head, where it'll
do the most good.

My ex-wife.
My last patient.

My ex-mother-in-law,
right in the head.

My last patient again.

That's all.
I'm getting too old
for this game.

I've enjoyed it
very much. My
aggressions are gone.

Me, too.

By the way, if you'd
ever like a return match,
my name's Tracy.

Van Kessel.

Robert Tracy?
Dr. Van Kessel!

I'm embarrassed.
I've said too much.
I had no idea.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm
through with her and
her miserable mother.

Dr. Van Kessel,
there is one thing, Doc.

I've gone out with
other girls and I'm
not interested.

Now what should I do about that?

You must try again.
Huh?

Try harder. It's
absolutely essential.

Uh-huh.
Uh, now take squash,
for example.

This is no substitute for
the community interests and
activities to be found in...

Oh!

Well, good evening.
Won't you come in?

You bet.

Well, it certainly
has been a long time.
Mmm-hmm.

Do you know that I wasn't
even sure who it was
when you first called me?

Yeah.
Then, when I was
getting dressed,

it suddenly hit me.

I told my girlfriend,
"I'll bet I know
who it is.

"I bet it's that
sad-faced friend
of Charlie Nelson's."

And my girlfriend
says, "You mean,
old no ice?"

And I said,
"Yeah, I bet it's him."

Well,
I've got plenty of
ice tonight.

I said, "He was pretty
cute in some ways.

"He's having some
kind of party."
Mmm-hmm.

So my girlfriend
says, "Don't kid me.

"You've had big eyes
for him ever since that
night with the no ice."

You seem different somehow.

Well. Won't you?

You know, I just wish
you'd have called me
five minutes earlier,

'cause I already
opened a can of
spaghetti,

so I just stuck it
in the ice box.

Do you think
it'll keep?
Forever.

Maybe she was right,
my girlfriend.
Hmm?

Maybe I did have
big eyes for you
all the time,

and I just didn't know it.

Since this is a party.

Gee. Gee, thanks.

How about that.

It's a white orchid!

Gee! Let's see.
Where can we pin it?

Well, I have some
scotch tape in the
kitchen, maybe we...

Well, just wear it
some other time.

Take it with you when you leave.

If you leave.

Okay. I'll keep it
in the ice box.

With the spaghetti? It
sounds like a popular
song, doesn't it?

* Orchids, spaghetti and you

You're getting
cuter every minute.
Yeah?

Oh, a tiger skin! Hmm?

Where did you get it?
In Africa?

No. Philadelphia.
That's part of
the stage set

for Charlie's play
that closed there.

Gee, a tiger skin.

You know, when
I was a little girl,

I used to think
how romantic it
would be

to have a date
with a fella with
a tiger skin.

Let's have some wine.

The champagne must
be cold by now.

That's the biggest
bottle of champagne I
ever saw in my life.

It was the large economy size.

In some ways,
you're even more of a
scream than Charlie Nelson.

Well, that's the
nicest thing that anybody
ever said to me.

Say, would you mind
if I sat on your
tiger skin a minute.

I'm just dying to try it.

Uh, well, that's what it's for.

You know, this is
just wonderful.

I'm so glad you asked me.

The champagne
and the flowers,
the tiger skin.

Who is all coming?

Just you and me.

Well, that's such a corny one!

You know, Charlie
Nelson pulled that
one on me

the first night
I ever met him.
Yeah.

He says, "Come on
over, we're going
to have a big party

"with drinking
and necking and
carrying on."

Well, I just bit
for it like a big dope.

I says, "Sounds
wonderful! Who's all
going to be there?"

And he says,
"Just you and me."
You and me. Yeah.

I tell you,
I just laughed!

You know,
Charlie really
flips me.

But I liked the way
you said it better.

You sounded like you
were, you know, serious.

Yeah, well, I'm
serious, all right.

Boing!

Boing?
Yeah, boing!

I'm so glad I was free tonight.

You know,
I had a date
with Charlie,

but he called me up
and he broke it.

Good old Charlie.

He had a conference
with some girl he knows,

a writer up in Westport.

Hmm?

Well, if he hadn't
had this conference,
I...

What writer up
in Westport?
I don't know.

She just got a divorce
or something.

She was married
to one of his
best friends,

so he was going up
there to keep her
company.

Why keep her company?

Yeah, he was going to
play Pony Express.

That's a joke
Charlie has. You know
what a riot he is.

Mmm-hmm.
Say, what's the matter
with you anyway?

Look, I'm sorry,
I just remembered
a previous engagement.

I've got to get up
there right away.

If you wouldn't
mind waiting.
I'm sorry.

You can go to
a movie. I'm sorry.

It's going to be fine.

He's really very
attractive, in
his own way.

I never
realized how
amusing he is.

I had lunch with him twice.

I never stopped
laughing the
whole time.

You look pretty good,
kid, for an unmarried
American female.

If I only don't
scare him off.
Or panic.

I won't panic.
I will not panic.

I will not panic.

I will not

panic.

Charlie!
Nina!

Hey, man, you smell good.

Well, I certainly
should at $35
an ounce.

It was sweet of
you to drive all
the way up here

to visit an unmarried,
poor, old widow
lady like me.

Well, that's Charlie
Nelson, the friend of
widows and orphans.

Come on in. I'm
just in the midst
of making martinis.

Martinis?

I've got glasses in
the ice box to chill.
Is that right?

Oh, that's imperative.
That's absolutely crucial.

You know, when I get up
in the morning,

the first thing
I do is brush
my teeth.

The second thing,
I put the glasses
in to chill.

Well, you know the way.

Would you like to
get them for me?

Sure. Your wish is my command.

Two parts gin...

One.

Two.

To one part vermouth.

One.

Does that look like
the right color?

Magnificent.
Ash-blonde,
very beautiful.

Two-to-one?
Uh-huh.
Yes.

This is my maiden effort.

Certainly hope
it turns out all right.

Well, luck.

Luck.

Is it all right?

It's wonderful.

There's something
the matter with it,
I can tell.

I did something wrong.
Probably bruised the gin.

Would you tell me
how you can possibly
bruise gin?

No, no, the gin's fine.
There's not a mark on it.

Then what?

Well, I was just
thinking about you,
that's all.

Oh! About me.

Yeah, you know, some
girls are sort of, uh,
well, dismal.

Everybody says
what she needs
is a husband.

With you, it worked
out the other way.

What you needed was no husband.

You know, I can't get
over a girl like you.

So you have to get
up and answer the
phone yourself.

What?

Well, that's just a joke.

Oh!

I use that sometimes. I
don't know how it happened
to pop out right now.

It's part of the
famous Charlie
Nelson technique.

I don't know why I
should be using it
on you, though.

I don't know why you shouldn't.

Tell me more about
the famous Charlie
Nelson technique.

Is it really famous?

Well, yes,
it's pretty
well known.

You see, basically,
the world is divided into

the cryers and the laughers.

There are sub-divisions,
of course, like the whiners
and the gigglers,

but basically there are
the two major schools.

Schools of what?

Well, to put it
as delicately as
possible of getting

a young lady into a
receptive mood for,
you know, romance.

What it amounts to is this.

You laugh them into it
or you cry them into it.

One way or other.
But there's no
middle ground.

That's remarkable.
I was married for
eight years

and I never heard about that.

Oh, well, you understand,
I'm giving you in a nutshell

what has taken
me years and years
to isolate.

Take the cryer, for instance.

Everybody knows the
cryer has a distinct
advantage

because you feel
sorry for them, eh?

He can't live
without you.
He can't eat.

He can't think. He
can't sleep. His business
is going to pieces.

And if you don't
take pity on him,
he'll kill himself.

It's terrible.

Successful cryers are
almost always married.

I don't know why
that is exactly.

It's amazing.
Yeah.

Then you take the whiners.

Now there, there is
sheer naked power.

A whiner can't miss,

because he knows
he's not good
enough for you.

He knows he's old
and fat and ugly

while you're young
and slim and beautiful.

He knows how hopeless
the whole thing is.

And he doesn't blame
you for not having
anything to do with him.

Doesn't even
offer to kill himself.

He just sits there
and whines and whines
and whines.

It's very effective.
It is?

Sure. After two
hours of well
thought out whining,

a girl will do
almost anything
to shut him up.

Uh, I've always
been a laugher
myself. I'm...

Just a little harder in
a way, takes a little
more style, you know,

but in the end,
if you can bring
it off,

it's vastly more rewarding.

Well, the lecture's
over for now.

We'll have a quiz
later on, maybe.
I, uh...

Right now, I think
I have to have
another drink.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot.

I'm really,
terribly sorry.

I think there's
enough for both of us.
Good.

I'll kill him.

I could and no
court in the country
would convict me

under the unwritten
law, a man could kill,
if necessary,

to protect his own wife.

Of course, she's not
my wife. She's my
ex-wife.

I wonder if the
unwritten law applies
for ex-wives, too?

Oh, I don't care.
I really don't.

You know, Nina, you and
I have known each other
a long time.

Yes, we have.

Somehow or other, I
used to get the impression
that you didn't

quite approve of me.

I didn't. I thought
you were a bad
influence on Robert.

I was. I'm a
bad influence
on everybody.

I don't know why,
though. I'm really a
pretty harmless fellow.

Charlie...
Hmm?

Make me laugh.

Hmm? What?

I'm interested.
I want to see
if it really works.

If what really works?

You know,
if you can really
laugh a girl into a,

you know, receptive mood.

Lady, how long have you
been working on
these martinis?

Oh, this is only my second one.

Wow.
What's the matter?

Did I have the wrong number?

Why?
Well, I always thought I...

I mean, I always
figured you as sort
of a royal pain and...

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...

Oh, no, no.
That's all right.
I understand.

And in a way I think
it's rather sweet.
You do?

Yes.
You know something.
I'm awed.

Awed?
Yeah. Awed.

Why?
Well, I... You...

You should see
some of the dames
I run around with.

I always figured
you were sort of,
you know, different.

In a lot of ways
I'm really pretty
much of a heel.

A person like you
should never have
anything to do

with a person like me.

Uh, Bobby would
never approve of this.

Uh, look, baby,
what I'm trying to
tell you is that

I'm not good enough for you.

You're a smart,
beautiful girl with a
lot of class, and, uh...

Charlie.
What?

You're whining.

How do you like that?
Me of all people.

Well, anyway...

Would you like
another drink?
Hmm?

No, I don't think so.

Would you?

No, I don't think so.

I've thought about that.
I've wondered what it
would be like to kiss you.

You have?
My goodness.

For years.
Ever since I've known you.

Oh! I thought you said,

you know, I was
pretty much of
a royal pain.

I was crazy out of my mind.

Actually, you know
the funny part of it is

I really am,
I mean, when you get
to know me.

I'm a pretty much
of a royal pain.
Just crazy.

Charlie, wait a minute.

Couldn't we just talk this over?

I think maybe
there's been some
sort of a mistake.

On my part, of
course, I admit
that freely.

Oh, darling.

Charlie, I panicked.
I swore I wouldn't,
but I have.

Charlie, please, I can't.

I realize this is
very unfair to you,

but it's just no use.
I can't.

Darling.
I tried, I mean,

I certainly tried, but I can't.

Darling.
Oh, Charlie,
it's not you,

it's me. The whole thing
is my fault.

I'm the first one to admit it.

Charlie!
Can't we talk this
over calmly?

A mistake has been made.

A ghastly mistake.

An error in judgment.

Darling.

Charlie, you're
absolutely right.

I am too good for you.

No, you're not.
It'll work. We'll
make it work.

Charlie, I'll
call Robert.
But it'll work.

I mean it.
I'm serious.

I'll make it work.
This has got to stop.

I'm serious.
I'll scream.

Some of them
are weepers, some
of them are talkers.

Some of them are screamers.

I always liked the screamers.
They're more of a challenge.

My best friend. If he's
done anything to her,

I'll kill him, that's all.
I'll kill him in cold blood.

I'll kill him.

Am I interrupting
anything? If I am,
I'll call back.

No. No, you're not
interrupting a thing.

Well, how did it go?

It was terrible.
Just terrible.

I practically had
to call the police to get
rid of him.

I don't understand.

I panicked.
Panicked?

Yes, and I'll tell you
something else.

I'll always panic
and I'm glad of it.

I found out something.
I love Robert.

I've always loved
him and I always
will love him.

I never should have
divorced him in
the first place.

It's nobody's fault but
my own. Listening to you
and Dr. Van Kessel.

Hysteria.
Simple hysteria.

I want Robert back.

I may not be able to
get him back, but if
I do get him back,

I'm going to handle my
own problems and not be
influenced by anyone.

Hello.

Hello.

I hope you didn't
bruise the gin.

Got her working pretty good.

Only thing is
it still makes
that funny noise.

Kind of goes "whoosh."

I'll get a little oil
and fix that up.

That won't be necessary.

No. No, we like it
fine. Just the way
it is.

Well, okay.

I beg your pardon.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

You two kids newlyweds?

That's right.
We just got married.

I could tell.
I could tell right away.

Yeah?
Well, good luck to you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Bye-bye.
- Bye.

See you later.
Best of luck to you.

Whoosh!
Whoosh!