Original subtitles

You awake out there?

Isn't there any professionalism in this club?

Would you spin my record, please?

♪

You did a great job on his wig. You're the best in Toronto.

It's a pity he wouldn't let me lacquer his face, as well.

[LIP SYNCHING]

You're just dying to get up on that stage.

Ha! I'm not that desperate for attention. Not yet.

[PANTING]

3A. 3A! I knew I remembered! I knew it!

♪

Ugh! I'll be there, too, darling. On key, I hope.

[BUZZING]

Damn! Perry!

[BUZZING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Good queens are never early. Good queens are late. Late, Perry.

Robin?

Liza!

I was so afraid you weren't going to be home.

I escaped.

You're going to make the doctors real mad.

Oh, no, I won't. I was never certified. It'll be all right. Sort of.

-I can stay, can't I, Robin? -Here?

I'll get my own place soon. Really. I'm not crazy like they say.

They only make me crazier. Oh, Robin, please!

Sure, baby. Come on.

-It won't be for very long. -It doesn't matter.

Come on.

I'm better already. Really, I am.

Sit down.

Warm hands.

[BELLS TINKLING]

[VOICE WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[GIBBERISH]

[GIBBERISH]

[GIBBERISH]

Liza.

-What is it? -[GIBBERISH]

It's here. Why?

Okay.

Back to the cages, Kong. Go. Okay.

We can make it together.

Push.

Push.

Harder. Harder!

He always finds me.

He says I'm the one born dead.

So he comes to grind my bones into powder.

He's a bone crusher from the other place where they all laugh at me.

The hospital?

No. No, the other place.

The other place where the great divider reigns.

[GIBBERISH]

What are you saying? I don't understand.

It's the other language.

It's hard to translate into English.

Zar taught it to me. He's from the other place, too, only he's different.

He's beautiful like a dragonfly.

He used to come to me, after the shock treatments,

and he'd put on little performances to make the pain behind my head go away.

He's so funny. Sometimes I'd tell him that I love him and

he'd grow too tall for the ceiling. It was so funny.

But I can't let him stay anymore. I can't let him stay anymore. Not anymore.

Careful. A girl needs friends.

No, but you don't understand. He's from the other place.

And I'm not part of them anymore.

The others, they still come sometimes.

They think and say that the one who's born dead belongs with them,

but they're wrong. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive.

Hey, let's just call the doctor.

No. No! No, no, no.

No. The doctors and the white horse, they've got keys to lock up my brain.

They come at me with needles and take me to electro- dungeons and sizzle my brain.

I've got to think to fight off the bone crusher, and in the hospital,

they don't let you think.

They say they don't see the bone crusher, but I know.

I know. I know they see him. They're his helpers.

You've got to promise not to tell anyone. It's very dangerous.

They gotta spoil all special people. You gotta promise, Robin, you gotta...

I promise.

Oh, good. Good. I can do it. I can go sane just like anybody else.

Of course you can.

I told you he'd be right along.

Now, Peggy O'Brien is out there, and she's turning into the Wicked Witch of the West.

Now move it! Now!

Right after mess, Sergeant Jason, sir. Mother always told me to have a good breakfast.

The only mother you have to worry about is me,

and this mother is mad, Turner, real mad!

You know Lana Turner was my real mother.

Even a fag hairdresser like you should recognize these gams.

WOMAN: I brought your suitcases, honey. All your favorite clothes.

Let me bring them in for you.

We could talk.

No, mother. Mother, I've got too much to do.

The nurse is coming, and I've got to do things alone. It's important, mother.

You blame me, don't you?

It was the best mental home in the province. What else could we do?

The nightmares you had, the things you saw.

And the crying. I couldn't stand you always crying, Liza.

[MOUTHING]

Liza!

We do love you, honey. Whatever you do, you're still my little girl.

You remember that.

And I beat everyone they had in all afternoon.

They said I was the best game player they had auditioned in a month.

Magic Squaresis one game show I could never get.

All those lights and buzzers, and Canadian stars I never heard of.

Oh, it's easy! You watch tonight and I'll show you how to play

and make bundles of money.

-Broadcast live, huh? -Right across Canada.

Should we get a little adventuresome?

Yeah, maybe just a tad.

Something regal.

Oh!

[BUZZING]

Open on the second ring. The second ring.

[BUZZING]

-Liza Connors? -Yes.

-Nurse Carr. -Hello. Won't you come in?

Please excuse the disarray. It's such a task settling in to a new place.

Won't you sit down?

So, you don't think that you need the hospital anymore.

Well, it's Dr. Beddoes' decision to let you stay out.

It's on his hands, not on mine.

I'll just keep an eye out on you, just in case, and I'll fill out the forms.

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

Oh, the kettle. May I get you some tea?

Coffee. Milk, no sugar.

Coffee. No sugar.

You nurses drink tea, not coffee.

Milk!

Here we are.

-I'm afraid it's only instant. -What isn't these days?

[LAUGHS]

Now, medication.

Did Dr. Beddoes send you your prescription?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Now, you must never forget that you were in a mental institution

for eight years, Liza. You're schizophrenic, Liza.

Two nozinan upon waking, three valium after breakfast,

three mylopan at two, two nidol at seven, and two valium at ten.

Now, are you dating anyone?

In your condition it would be unthinkable to risk pregnancy.

No. No dates.

Good. Now, let's talk about bowels.

What?

Movement, consistency, frequency?

Oh.

-Now? -Just one more touch.

The new you.

[SCREAMS]

An Irish Cleopatra?

I functioned, Robin. I really functioned well.

Good.

It's going to make one of the best stories for my crazies!

"She had a bag full of other people's brains, and she sat in my world,

"scribbling out mine!"

Do you know the power, just so long as I can function?

I'm never going to go back to that locked ward.

Good.

"I smiled at her. Not a very large smile, though, or she'd put me down as manic."

Robin, I was fabulous!

She said the welfare money will be coming soon, and I can start to share the rent.

Do you want a drink?

Okay.

You don't seem very excited about my victory.

I mean, I know it's not a lot for a lot of other people, but it sure was a lot for me.

I'm just a little tired.

Are you mad at me for not seeing mother?

No.

She always gets me so depressed, and then I can't keep my mind steady.

I know.

I mean, she comes with good intentions, but she leaves visions of lepers behind her.

You don't want me here, do you?

You know better than that.

I don't know what I know. I'm Crazy Liza.

You are not the only person in the whole world with feelings.

What?

-I am depressed. Okay? -Why?

-Well, come on, tell me. -It doesn't matter.

I'll slip the juice to your noggin if you don't. Bzzz!

Caged! Like some wild wonderful thing I am caged in this snake pit!

Hey, I know, Robin. Why don't you do my hair all up and sexy,

and we can go out and cruise everything in pants.

I'm sick of doing everyone else's head.

Even Cleopatra's?

That bitch! Oh, she should have tipped me fifty for giving her class.

I guess she didn't want class.

Any woman in this town should be thrilled to look like Cleopatra, or Bette Davis.

I mean, those gals are tough. I think they're made of steel, but they're dazzling, alive.

They've got guts, and they had fun. These women here, they...

They live life like it's a can of Coke, and they're afraid to drink it too fast

or it'll all be gone. Life isn't a can of Coke.

Diet Pepsi.

They sit at my station and they yak about renovating their houses.

They should renovate their shitty little lives instead.

Some days I think, Robin Turner, this is your life.

For the next forty years, no dazzle.

So quit.

-And? -Do something dazzling.

No, baby. This is all there is.

I'm sorry, Robin.

-Don't touch me. -Why not?

-I'm fat! -I don't care.

-Well, I do. -I love you, Robin.

Why?

Oh, because you're crazy. Like me.

-Two Looney Tunes! -We're going to work it out.

-Liza. -What?

Your hair is shit.

Anyway, nobody listens anymore. My psychiatrist doesn't even listen.

Oh, come on. The people in the hospital listen to you.

Yeah, and that's why they sent me home. Too many people were hearing the truth.

Oh, Martin, you don't belong in that hospital. I mean, you belong out here.

You can do things and be someone out here.

Right. In the capitalist jungle, man.

[MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS]

Excuse me, would you sort these socks?

Hey, your liner's smeared.

No, they're turning Chinese.

It confuses some people.

I don't know, Liza. I don't know.

Oh, but, Martin, that's what it's all about.

It's about doing something really big and important and dazzling.

And I'll be doing enormous things from now on.

Someday, I'm going to have 100 stories just for the crazies all over the world.

But, if you don't eat your lunch, you don't get any din-din.

Do you write about the ovens? You know they keep ovens in the hospital.

I know, Martin. For the lobotomies.

Baked lobotomies! I detest Ukrainian food!

Oh, God. Perry.

You'll never guess! Hi, Liza.

Hi, Perry.

I have found the solution. I'm going as a stewardess. Karen Black. Airport '75.

You'll never get out of the cockpit, darling.

It was a positive brainstorm. See?

Sensible shoes,

tasteful skirt, not a lot of makeup, smallish breasts, and...

Stylish, but no frills.

Look, everyone goes to these drag contests all glitter and glamour, but, I mean,

how many Zsa Zsa Gabors can be in a room at a time? No one's an individual.

Now, all I really need is a really good flight bag.

No Air Canada vinyl stuff. Something with class, like Air France.

Hey, even fake's expensive these days.

Oh, your liner's going.

-They're real! -Ow!

-My eyes are real! -All right, they're real.

A little smudged, but real. I didn't know you liked rough trade.

-Are you guys going? -No.

Robin's just dying to do drag, but he hasn't got the balls.

Get him something nice, honey.

They all look like Joey Heatherton. No one is real.

Are you telling me Karen Black isn't real?

I know, Robin. You should get Tallulah Bankhead to go.

-Who? -Tallulah.

Even an Oriental prince should know that name.

Tallulah lives inside Robin.

She's like Elsie. Do you remember, she had all those people who lived inside

and they used to pop out and scare people, because they still looked like Elsie.

Only Tallulah's different, because she's a friend.

Well, never imprison your friends, because they can pour acid on your heart.

Oh, come on, Robin. Get Tallulah to go, just for the one night.

Out of sight!

Do you get to the El Mocambo much?

It depends how cute the cabbie is on the way.

You trash!

[BELLS RING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Get back to the other place.

Here. Good little girls take their pills, or no dessert.

-Are you into heavy drugs? -Oh, very. Prescription.

You can get some real bummers on chemicals, you know.

Mmm.

No pills, no thrills.

Come on.

Hey, did I tell you about my roomie? I forget things sometimes.

Yeah, gay's is cool with me. So long as he doesn't want a threesome.

Mmm...

Nah, come on.

LIZA: Tah-da! Bedlam.

You got a lot of threads, kid.

So do you. Get rid of them.

MAN: Oh, we're going to have such a good time!

LIZA: Oh, firm. Nice.

ROBIN: Pink lipstick! Darling! For Tallulah, never.

Leave that trick this minute and bring me blood red.

I haven't got any.

ROBIN: Frosty pink, no less.

Even those fairies at Fox managed to get me red lips.

Okay, okay. I'll catch you later, okay?

ROBIN: I may be small-chested, but this is ridiculous.

Now get me the red.

-There, red. -Oh, thank you.

[BUZZING]

Oh, it's Perry. Let the wretched stewardess in.

I can't fly this plane alone. I can't. I can't!

It's hideous, isn't it?

No, no. It's real cute. It's real cute.

I knew it. Even Karen Black wasn't pretty in this junk. I've got to change it all.

I was born to be blonde.

Liza? Could I wear some little thing of yours?

Perry, your legs and your thighs are twice my size.

Any old throw-away thing. Liza, I'm desperate.

[GASPS]

-This is perfect. -No, Perry. That's my best.

This is your best?

-Oh, Liza, please! -You'll stretch it to shreds!

No, I won't. If I do, I'll buy you a new...

-Whatever it is. -Liza?

Oh, Stuart, this is Perry.

-Perry... -Liza!

-Well, if you ruin it... -I'll buy you seven of them.

I warned you.

Oh, my God!

Tallulah lives.

What the...

No autographs, darling. My hands are much too busy.

That's my mother's honeymoon gown!

Wardrobe neglected to tell me these were hand-me-downs.

My last picture for my Republic.

Now, this is more me.

You look like Shelley Winters hiding behind Farah Fawcett-Majors.

Robin, that dress is divine!

Thank you, darling. Do you have cab fare?

Are you kidding?

-Liza? -Broke. Take the streetcar.

What star ever took a streetcar?

♪ Judy Garland. Clang, clang, clang went the... ♪

The trolley, but that was on the MGM back lot, darling, not down St. Clair Avenue.

Let's hop it, Shell.

Oh, you're going to win first prize, Robin.

It was ever so meeting you, Stuart.

Can't you see the boy has a hard-on, for Christ's sake, come on.

It's better the second time, isn't it?

Oh, baby! I could go all night with you.

Oh, gee! Shoes, shoes!

What's happened?

Mobbed by fans. What a ruthless profession!

What is it?

-What the hell? -Oh, just put it on hold, darling.

They want me for a club date locally, wouldn't you know?

What?

Well, darling, MC a drag show.

Do they pay?

Only with applause. God, the provinces!

When's your first show?

Oh, I didn't say there was going to be one.

-On or off, kids? -Off!

The ordinary triumphs again.

Oh, he'll be terrific.

Do you know what, Liza?

There are a lot of guys, regular guys, who'd really dig a chick like you.

Oh, yeah? What do you mean by regular?

Well, dammit, why do you live with that?

Because that is my best friend.

I'm sorry.

All the shrink's horses and all the shrink's men couldn't put Liza together again,

-but Robin, he... -Just forget it, baby.

I didn't mean anything.

Get your hands off me. I'm tired.

Shit!

You know, I'll never understand it.

What?

Oh, why all straight guys always turn out to be such suck holes.

You damned crazy bitch! You're crazy!

I'm allowed. Dr. Beddoes said so.

An MC. Hmm.

You really were fantastic.

It takes two to... You know.

I meant at the ball. Funniest I've seen.

Thanks.

That girl back there. Did you ever make it with her?

No, we've got other things going for us.

-Well. -What?

Look.

I thought I had enough money to get me through the rest of the week, and I'm short.

Can you help me out?

What you're really asking is for me to pay for it, isn't it?

I made the back page of The Advocatea couple of months back.

Oh, a celebrity on my very own couch.

Well, in that case...

Listen, I don't usually make it with drag queens at all.

It's not just me, none of the guys.

Hey, please. Just take the money.

Okay, okay. I thought you knew how things are.

Does it really matter?

LIZA: Robin? Robin, are you all right?

Good night, Phil.

-Robin? -Oh, not now, Liza.

Have you decided about the club yet, Robin?

When I was 14, I looked in the mirror

and I said, "Admit it, Robin. You're different."

I learned I could get by as long as I kept the lid on.

A few years later, I looked again, and said,

"Robin, you're a typical, screaming hairdresser."

So I put the lid on a little tighter.

Somehow, I got through all the days, and all the jobs,

never really happy but, somehow, getting by.

Then, tonight, I blew off all the lids, and out popped this junk.

Do you know what it's like when a really good-looking boy

looks at you and all he sees is a drag queen?

It's no good, Liza.

Robin, if a caterpillar was afraid of wings, it would never become a butterfly,

and people would look at it and say, "Oh, look, there's a worm on the tree."

But they'd never see it spinning colors into the air.

You've got to do the club, Robin.

Why?

Well, if people laugh, then they don't go crazy.

"Presenting the dazzling Robin Turner."

You're nuts.

Aw, do it for me, Robin. Do it for me and all the crazies.

But it is a professional engagement.

Saturday is our peak day, and I will not let you go flitting off

in the middle of the afternoon so you can do tacky drag at night.

It is not tacky drag. I do real impressions. No records. My own voice.

-And your own tits? -Now, who's tacky?

I need a Saturday afternoon off to shop and rehearse and... You know.

Listen, running a beauty salon is very serious.

I mean, it's all in the image of the hairdresser.

Those ladies don't come in here to have their hair done,

they come in to have their egos boosted by men.

And if you lose that straight image, you lose the clients.

Who wants to be felt up by faggots?

I can think of two people in this room who'd love it.

Thank heavens that crazy girl works as a cover for you.

But a drag queen working in my shop... Never.

Maybe I shouldn't work here at all, then.

Oh, no one would ever know. I'll be a better worker if I'm happy.

You know, everybody in my group tells me I'm a sucker for the sobbers.

Why do I have to feel guilty about saying no?

Please?

But 2:30? Why can't you wait till 3:30 or 4:00?

Three.

Okay. Okay! Now, can we get this place open?

Right, sir.

Good morning.

Ah, Mrs. O'Brien. I just put on some fresh coffee for you.

I'll bet.

I've got to find some really, really good stuff. You know Beddoes.

Oh, I used to think he had superior intelligence, but I don't think that anymore.

Yeah, well he sure can tell when you were lying.

I mean, last time I couldn't find my journal, I made up some really good stuff

about screwing Dracula. Only he said he knew it was phony. He said phonies get sent back.

The hospital's not that bad. People listen.

I know. Stuff about Zar.

No, Robin changing into Tallulah.

That was real.

Well, they're all real, stupid.

The mouthless runs to the windows. Beddoes will love it.

I'll even throw in some good sex.

-Bye! -Adios.

LIZA: "And the jawless ones stretched liver-red tongues

"that lapped at the window pane. Pain! Pain, screeching in hungry agony.

"'Liza, Liza, devour us.' And the teeth were puncture sharp and ripping jagged.

"They would tear my nipples into ground meat."

And what did you do?

I took another nardil.

You understood the faces were not real.

Hallucinations.

They come only from you, and only you can control them. You'll have to learn how.

Before I forget, I'm almost out of nardil, and valium, too.

Nurse Carr's reported you're living with a man.

Oh?

And that there's a lot of rye being consumed.

How does she know?

The garbage.

She spies on my garbage?

It's for you own protection, Liza.

Well, the rye is Martin's. I mean, he comes over to talk and he's always cold.

And the man?

Robin's just a roommate, that's all.

Does he have other girlfriends?

No.

Boyfriends.

Do you know what rents are these days? I have to have a roommate.

You know, Liza, they've opened the new wing at Morningside.

It's sunny and clean, they're using new therapies...

No. I'm doing fine. I'm doing great. I'll do whatever you say. I'm fine. I'm fine.

You have to be very careful.

Pregnancy is unthinkable in your condition.

No, Robin and I sleep in different worlds.

Well, I don't like the situation at all.

But, all right. We'll give it a bit more time,

but you must stay on the birth control pills.

And the nardil?

I'll phone the drugstore.

Thank you.

Beddoes wants me to go back in to Morningside.

He says I'll always be schizo.

First, there was Joan Crawford in Possessed.

Then Joanne Woodward in The Three Faces of Eve.

Now, Liza Connor in Schizo Forever.

But, Robin, maybe I wouldn't hallucinate so much if I was back in the hospital.

There are three important things in life, sex, movies and my career.

You should think almost entirely of them, and never about yourself.

Liza's brain runs round and round. Liza's head is full of sounds.

Liza's the one born dead. Liza's the one without any head.

Step up, kid. How's this?

What are you doing?

It's for my opening. The club manager is a Bette Davis freak.

Oh, Robin, you're going to do it!

It took me hours to find her record.

You're going to need a dress. A really good dress.

You bet. Isn't it lucky they taught you sewing at the nutty bin?

Oh, Robin, my own machine!

Now, I want something smart and sensible by Saturday.

♪

Terrible old line. I thought I had some good stuff here. This is crap!

Do you see some of those guys out there? Ooh, wow!

I don't know what to say.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

-What am I going to say? -It's too late.

You're going to say that Miss Montego Bay is the hottest piece in town.

Now, move that white ass, honey.

Right on.

Anita Bryant sent me down here to beat some sense into you frozen fruits.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Start squeezing, mama.

Ah, what a dump.

Speaking of Joan Crawford, Joan and I were reminiscing recently.

And I reminded her of all the times that she's been evil. Capital E, evil,

in her pictures. Her very moving pictures.

Do you remember in Mildred Pierce,she played a waitress,

but she couldn't wait to beat up Ann Blyth because she was

stealing her boyfriend, Zachary Scott. Well, Joan gave her the shoulders

and the full treatment.

Vera, you little tramp.

Then, of course, years later, she graduated to a typist who couldn't type.

Because she was going out with an out-patient.

Where else would you go with an out-patient?

And, one day, he picked up her typewriter and smashed her hand.

She took her one good hand and got Vera Miles right on the cheek.

Why, you little slut!

I finally got her where I want her.

Come on, Blanche, let's go for a walk.

Oh, Jane, you wouldn't treat me so cruelly if I weren't in a wheelchair.

But you are.

Thank you.

Now, enough nostalgia. I'd like to present a little Christmas cheer,

Mr. Jackie Loren.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, Robin, you dazzled them.

Please, I detest cheap sentiment.

♪

[LIP SYNCHING]

More gin, and a plate of food, please.

Drags are the worst.

Mmm.

She used to write pretty well when we were in school. I wonder if she's still writing.

I don't know.

Who is that?

That's Jo. She's a magazine editor.

She was the most popular girl in my graduating class.

-The other one? -Oh, Anne.

I bet she's a revolutionary. She's even built like a revolutionary.

Anne's gay, Martin.

It figures.

But Jo... But Jo is straight.

And she'd really love you, because you were sent away.

MAN: Well, then, why don't they pay him if he's such dynamite?

I mean, 20 bucks a show.

In Canada, we perform for love.

The gay clubs in this town don't make enough money. No one gets paid for doing drag.

Well, being gay is one thing, but doing drag...

Oh!

Oh, sugar, he wants to liberate the denim fags

and lock up the satin queens.

Not now, fuzzy pear. Maybe we can go for a drive later.

He's a cab driver. A Yellow Cab.

The night before that, she was with a Metro cabbie.

Did you want to be a girl when you were little?

Oh! It was so tragic! Having to wear Mummy's bra to school.

But, who's the real Robin Turner?

There are a lot of Robin Turners. Baby, I'm a plural person.

That doesn't make any sense.

Making sense is dull. Dull, darling.

Thank you, darling.

Oh, Liza! Empty glasses.

Have you seen my lovely collection? Come here and have a look.

This guy, Brian De Palma, makes the most fabulous movies.

[PHONE RINGS]

If that's Dino De Laurentiis, tell him I'm not speaking to him and he knows why.

Hello.

Oh, mother.

Well, Merry Christmas, mother.

No, mother, I know what day it is.

Merry Christmas Eve, I meant.

No, I'm sure Beddoes didn't mean it like that.

No, I am not having more hallucinations.

Look, I don't care if they take Mediterranean cruises,

I am not going back to any hospital ever again, mother.

Well, you can tell Daddy to shove it. Your Christmas card's in the mail.

Good night.

Oh, never wear your telephone numbers on your wrist.

What?

You could get a reputation.

What's wrong, baby?

I guess I'm just a little tired.

Maybe I'll have a little nibble of something.

Haven't you eaten anything yet?

No, I don't think so.

You mean Robin let you serve everybody and didn't let you stop to eat?

I wasn't hungry before.

[SWEARS IN FRENCH]

I'll see what I can find.

No, Mae West is not a man. She's just a very tough woman. No offense.

You faggot!

I'm working on it.

Okay, cut the Shirley Temple act, will you?

It might go down with Liza but it don't with me.

What?

While you've been out there swishing and drinking, she's been working like some

damned slave, and she hasn't even had time to eat herself.

-She's very thin, Robin. -Ann, no, please.

I didn't know she hadn't eaten.

There's not a thing, not even soup.

Well, I'll go out for something, then.

You are a sick, power-hungry, egotistical fag, and you need someone to push around.

So along comes Liza, someone who is disturbed,

someone who can't complain no matter what you do to her.

-Because she loves you... -Or she thinks she loves you.

She is sick and you use her.

Don't coddle him. It's bad for both of you.

Liza.

Don't do that. No one can do that.

Robin. Robin, please don't shut me out here with them.

-Do I take advantage of you? -No.

I wanted this party to be so happy, and now it's, like,

Valley of the Dolls.

The only true thing that they said out there was that I love you.

All right, what are you up to?

Oh, I just came in a little early to do all the girls for the big Easter show.

Peggy, Tallulah, Bette.

Peggy O'Brien's son is gay.

Whoopee!

She caught him doing the telephone man in the study. He told her everything.

Liberation comes to Thorncliffe.

You know, he even told her about that nifty club he goes to where some of the men

dress up like women.

Men she knows.

You're fired.

Wait 'til Beddoes... Wait until mother finds...

What? Oh, hey, sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. Right. Thanks very much. Bye.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, wow!

-Announcement. -Huh?

-What? -Jason tints his pubic hair.

-You're fired. -Mm-hmm.

If I want to work in this town, I've got to stop the drag.

Oh, well. Now my announcement.

I'm not the one born dead. Robin, I'm pregnant.

-You're kidding. -No.

I figure fuzzy bear. Yellow Cab, I think.

-Have you told him? -Why? This is my baby.

-You're going to have it? -Yep. Right after New Year's.

It proves I'm alive. They can never get me now.

Babies are expensive.

Yeah, I know, but we'll work it out. We'll work it out. I know we will.

DR. BEDDOES: But the birth control pills?

I take so many pills. I get confused.

The abortion's going to be very hard on your system.

I'm not having an abortion. I'm having a baby.

Liza, you cannot have a baby.

With all the pills you have to take, you're not strong enough.

I am, too. I'm strong and alive, just like everybody else.

But a pregnancy could unbalance you.

You'll be back at Morningside in no time.

Oh, no, I won't. They don't take expectant mothers in the locked wards.

They're just my bills.

Robin!

Don't worry. If we lose them, they'll send us some more.

Come on, Liza. I've seen other pregnant women on the beach. Nobody cares.

And I'm sick of going alone all the time.

Martin, I just have too much to do.

Well, is it a good story?

A little premature. Robin triumphs?

It'll happen.

It's back-to-school weather again, and a year, still nothing.

I'll write an early letter to Santa.

This time, I have it. I really have it.

Karen Black as she was in Nashville.

Oh, cross your eyes and hope to die.

Robin, she is an actress.

Why don't you just skip the ball and do a number at the club this year?

Hey. But what could I do?

Whatever Robin tells you to do.

Can I wear red?

No, only black and white.

Oh, would you show me a few dance steps?

Honey, when I'm through with you, I'll have you moving over the entire floor.

Hi, boys.

Are you looking for a good time?

Well...

It's a little pushy, but it's you.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, what I wanted to tell you was, uh,

I got this... I went to a Hadassah Bazaar, actually

and I picked up this big machine, this, what do you call it, a moviola.

And we cut the picture myself, because that way we get a woman's point of view,

you know. This woman.

And, actually, I had very good dialog with Kristofferson through the whole picture.

If you recall, every time he says,

"Watch closely, now," I'd say, "Cut!"

And, speaking of stars, it's really nice being born a star.

Yes.

No, wait a minute. And, um...

Speaking of stars, our next performer isn't one, but...

No, but I know with your help and my coaching,

we can really do it.

Clear the way, boys. Come on, clear the way, and let's bring on Sister Perry.

[APPLAUSE]

♪

[LIP SYNCHING]

But you were sensational tonight. I tell you, you're ready for your big break.

How much do they pay?

Listen, fella, performers don't get paid in New York, not until they're stars.

Oh, Robin's a star.

But he's got to prove it where it counts.

Look, the Jackrabbit is a fantastic showcase for new talent.

You could get spotted by really big people there.

I can give you two months to make it.

Wouldn't you come?

Do you know what it costs to have a baby in the States?

I'll get a club date here. A high-paying one.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's just see what makes it in Toronto.

Oh, here's Andy and his Bavarian accordion at the Sheraton.

Maybe you'll get sick.

Oh, and here's Anne Murray coming to the Gardens.

Maybe we'll get sick.

Look, the straight clubs in this town just aren't ready.

Besides, no Canadian act makes it here without the U.S. seal of approval.

You're going to have to go down to the States sometime, Robin, I mean,

look at Gordon Lightfoot.

-Monty Hall. -You've got no choice.

Well, I'd have to start singing. I'd want piano and drums.

The Jackrabbit's got them. What else can you do?

Apply for a Canada Council grant?

LIZA: Wow! New York!

Oh, I'm so excited, I wish we were going.

These communists need me right here.

Oh, he's going to make it! Real big!

No, bigger.

Okay, this is it. I hate goodbyes. You take good care of her.

Bye. Hey, be dazzling, okay?

-I love you. -Yeah?

[BELL RINGS]

Oh, Martin, take me home. This is no place for seeing the bone crusher.

[ROBIN SINGING]

BOB: Oh, no, you won't, fella. You're going to be on 10th Avenue.

The real street of broken dreams.

Aw, listen, mighty mouth, Streisand opened on the other side of the river.

At least I'm opening in Manhattan.

BOB: [LAUGHS] Yeah, at the Jackrabbit Club.

What do you know about it?

I know lots about it. I'm an out-of-work agent.

Got your own car and everything, huh?

Listen, I was the best junior William Morris ever had.

All he ever talked about was packages. Packages, I though I was in Bloomingdale's.

So I got bored and quit.

I'm just doing this between careers.

Oh.

Oh, God! The Great White Way?

You're a drag, huh?

No, I just like to travel heavy.

You think you can help me out with this stuff?

Hey, this is New York, fella.

Oh, I can't make an entrance solo, come on. Spend a few minutes with a star.

Yeah, what's in it for me?

I'll make you my New York agent.

That's ten percent of nothing. What else?

[IMITATING MAE WEST] Oh, I don't negotiate on the street, Sagebrush.

Not bad.

Maybe I can pick up my afternoon trick in there.

Isn't anybody straight anymore?

Sure.

My father in Montana.

[LAUGHS]

♪

MAN: Why don't you give me a chance, man?

I had an act that killed them dead in Detroit.

I'll bet it was a pip.

In the back, honey. In the back.

A communique. From China.

They say I'm going to be very helpful in the China-Russia border dispute.

Did Robin change trains in Buffalo? I want to get the facts straight.

They need me to replace Mao.

I'm going to put all the Chinese in concentration camps.

Mao didn't like the Chinese. He was baptized a Catholic by the missionaries.

Are you going to write about my concentration camps?

Oh, maybe I should go back into the hospital.

Nonsense. You belong out here. It's really cold in Buffalo, isn't it?

Nobody listens!

I was so listening, Martin!

Look, I can write and I can listen and I can have a baby all at once, okay?

Now, just how in heck do you think you're going to get those Chinese

into your camps anyhow, huh?

There will be huge gardens, with flowers and everything, man.

I'll advertise at the capitol so they'll be on display inside.

And the Chinese can come puncture their eardrums with chopsticks.

Martin, have you ever read Nietzsche?

No.

With the Chinese in camps and the Russians in camps, there won't be a border dispute.

And I'm going to put the capitalists in there too, man.

I'm going to be the biggest enemy of capitalism in history.

There are a lot of capitalists in Buffalo.

Yeah, well that's why it's always on fire.

♪

Jimmy wants to know what you want.

Just tell him a quick intro and a loud drum roll.

Okay.

-The spot right on the door. -Right on the door?

Here's looking at ya, Liza.

Gents and pansies, kings and queens, soldiers and seafood.

We have a new performer in tonight, all the way from Toronto.

I love upstate New York.

I was in Toronto once. The only female impersonator they had at the time was a woman.

Anyway, here he is, Toronto's favorite man about town, Mr. Robin Turner.

Save your hands, boys, you might need them later.

Ooh, I feel like a million tonight, one at a time.

Ooh, if I'd known you were going to be here, I would have worn a leather boa.

Who's this, your lover?

Try it, you'll like it.

I don't care how big they are, there's just so many puffs in a good cigar.

MAN: Oh, yeah? How would you know about it, Mae?

Well, the secret to my success

is not the men you see me with, it's the men you don't see me with.

Hit it, boys.

♪

♪ Frankie and Johnny were lovers Lord, how they could love

♪ They swore they'd be true to each other

♪ And, boy, they fit like a glove

♪ He was his man But he was doing him wrong

♪ Frankie and Johnny went dancing

♪ They loved to disco and cruise

♪ Don't take your man to a disco, baby If you've got a lot to lose

♪ Hold on to your guys I'm going to put you wise

♪ One night Frankie did a booking Turned on a number or two

♪ Johnny saw the whole thing happen

♪ And he said, "Frankie, you, too"

♪ He got Frankie mad

♪ Then they started to quarrel And out came the boots and the whips

♪ After they fought they loved so hard Johnny broke Frankie's hips

♪ They had a fight And then they loved all night

♪ This story has no moral This poem has no rhyme

♪ My message here is simple If you're gonna do it Do it all the time

♪ Do your man And don't do him wrong ♪

But I don't know where he is.

Did he ever get violent with you?

Martin's very gentle. If he's done anything wrong, you can blame Mao Tse Tung.

She makes up foreign names sometimes. She invented a whole language once.

She's a very sick girl.

Well, you can't stay here because he might come back.

Martin would never hurt me.

Liza, he just wounded a man with a knife.

Maybe you'd better come home with us, dear. I'll speak to your father.

No! No.

Did Martin have any favorite hangouts?

Yeah, Morningside nuthouse.

You should cooperate with me, young lady.

That boy has got to be caught and locked up.

Why does everybody always want to lock everybody else up?

I mean, who's insane, anyhow?

Let's get your overnight bag.

No. No, mother. I've got a lot of places to go, and I've got a lot of friends.

Will they hurt Martin?

How do you do your tits like that?

Well, I generally have someone do them for me.

Bet you had little injections, eh?

Oh, little injections ain't my style.

Are you really his agent?

Had to shape his act for years.

So, you guys, do you want to come to my house and play?

All three of us?

Look, I'm just too horny to make an intelligent choice.

-Okay, you're on. -I'll be right back.

-I leaned on Jimmy. -Oh?

He's going to charge a cover at the door on weekends.

We'll split it. It should bring you 50 or 75 a week.

And there's a room upstairs. You get it.

That's rather sweet. Is it equipped?

-Fully. -Yum-yum.

Mmm. Bon appetit!

I really hope you're going to be happy here.

How can things this old be this clean?

Liza, would you let me read some of your stories?

-But they're just for crazies. -I know.

But I'm a good editor, and I know a bit about people.

Maybe I could help you get started.

You mean you think I can sell them? For money?

-We'll see, okay? -Okay.

Baby. A real live, normal, genius baby.

[BELL RINGING]

Zar! Zar, you promised not to follow me here, anymore.

Yes, I still love you, too, but...

No! No. Now, you can't start going through the ceiling, Not here no.

You've got to go away for good, now, Zar. You've got to.

Zar, I live in a real house and everything. Don't you understand?

No. No jokes. I'm not going to laugh. I'm not going to. I...

Oh, Zar, I'm normal now. I'm normal, and you can't stay here anymore.

Please, Zar, you've got to go away.

I knew you'd understand, Zar. I knew you would.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you until my baby comes.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

No! No, move. Over to the left.

Yeah. Sorry, darling, non-union stage hands.

You've saved that much already in a month?

My agent assures me he can get me a club date uptown.

I'll get the money together yet, kid.

Christmas lights?

Jimmy, I am a star, but not a star of Bethlehem.

I'll have you know I got these from Carol Channing's personal wardrobe.

Hurry up and drop the kid, okay? Get down here.

Love you. Bye.

Just four more weeks.

Plenty of time to work on the story.

How much do you think I'd get for it?

It's good. It's really good. Only, these incomplete sentences, like...

"She had to erupt the truth from his brain. She said," dot, dot, dot.

-She said what? -Whatever you like.

Yeah, but that's not how you write a story.

It's reader participation. Everybody knows the truth, their own truth.

You just fill it in.

Whoops, time for the belly-man.

You mean the gynecologist.

Right, look, why don't you just fix it all yourself?

I really need the money for New York, and I'd really appreciate it.

Oh, well, you know. Bye.

[SIRENS WAILING]

-You're taking it? -Yeah.

It's within my budget.

Robin, this neighborhood! It's freak city.

Well, I want Liza to feel at home.

Get him out of here! Get him out!

Liza, stop. Lie down.

He's come for my baby.

You're not making any sense. Doctor!

Doctor, hurry up. I don't know what to do.

You can't have my baby. You can't have my baby. You can't have him.

I've got other responsibilities. I... I'm not a nurse.

That doesn't make him go away!

This will stop the hallucination.

But it doesn't work. It only makes me weak.

He's right there!

Push him off my belly!

-Robin! Robin, I did it! -At this hour?

Listen to me, you're not going to believe this. It started out so silly.

Every Thursday night, in this backroom bar,

me and this superhump start getting it off.

Except he was always so detached, he never spoke, you know the type.

-It was just sex. -Only that?

By the third week, I got tired of the routine,

and I asked him to come up to my place. No answer.

So I said I had some Colombian grass. He still wouldn't talk.

So, I got mad. "No one's that gorgeous," I said.

-So, you know what he said? -What?

Oh, no!

He was a deaf mute, for Christ's sake!

It's good to know you're an equal opportunity slut.

Anyway, then I met his uncle.

I've never heard of a sugar uncle.

Uncle Ziggy, from Ziggy's Cabaret, uptown.

Now, he has try-out nights for new acts.

Yeah?

And, thanks to me, next Monday night, you're it.

Oh!

Now, the crowd's not huge, and all you get is a plain stage, the house band

and a mike, but it they like you, I can get you Mondays regular for a month.

You know, all these years I thought it was the star

who got to whore her way to the top.

I think it's about time you got some new material into your act.

-How about chiffon? -Robin, aren't you excited?

I'm terrified.

Class costs.

[OVER PA] Dr. Chatsworth, Dr. Chatsworth.

-BOB: Will you calm down? -ROBIN: How much time have I got?

You've got ten minutes.

Geez, Louise, I'm going to flop.

Have you seen that crowd out there? Not just straight, dead, maybe.

Robin, even the Waldorf isn't straight.

It depends on which john you use, slut!

-Thanks for staying, Anne. -Sure.

Sure.

I think this is it.

Okay. Nurse!

[DRUM ROLL]

♪

[SINGING AS CAROL CHANNING]

You know, we've been singing that song for 25 years, now, and it's almost perfect.

Right now, I've decided to take a new role, a new characterization,

a new wig and everything. I've accepted the title role

in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff.

We're opening at the Owensboro Drive-In Dinner Theater.

Recently I attended a cattle-call audition in New York City,

and they were auditioning girls, you see, to find out who would be

my replacement as Lorelei Lee.

Well, some of the greatest people showed up, and my favorite of all

was Marlene Dietrack... Trick!

This is the best act you've ever had.

[SINGING WITH THICK GERMAN ACCENT]

I don't think this song is right for me.

Smash his camera.

ROBIN: Hi! Ethel Merman, here. I just love tunes.

I sing them all. I hope you like the lyrics, because you're sure gonna hear them.

[SINGING AS ETHEL MERMAN]

Let's try Ella Fitzgerald. She's a good singer.

[SCATTING]

Oh, whoa, honey! Pearly Mae, here. How you doing? That's good, Ella. Nice.

But I tell you, I know a lot about men and rock.

And a lot about saving Carol Channing's vehicles.

So we'll get it to run another year. Come on, just take it easy, boys.

♪

[SINGING AS PEARL BAILEY]

I don't need this job. I do not need this job.

Let's try Miss Bette Midler.

♪

[SINGING AS BETTE MIDLER]

ROBIN: [AS CHANNING] Oh, stop. There's only one Lorelei, and that's me.

And this is the way the song should be done forever. Pencils poised.

[APPLAUSE]

[SINGING]

[CHEERING]

MAN: Encore! Encore!

There bananas for you out there. You've got to do an encore.

I don't know anything more. I've done everything I know.

You've got to do one. Peggy, no. Jolson. Judy! You haven't done Judy yet.

Oh, uh, Judy, okay.

I'll sing them all, and we'll stay all night.

♪

[SINGING AS JUDY GARLAND]

You've got to be kidding.

Do you have any idea what our overhead is?

This figure isn't enough, and I don't care if we are only playing one night a week.

Now, you talk to me about money. You name me some figures.

All right, all right. How about another $75?

Okay, that's cool, but it's not an exclusive contract.

We get to play downtown at the Jackrabbit Club on weekends.

All right, yes. Now, just sign it.

No, no, wait a minute. There's this clause about costumes and music.

I'm not at all sure I like it.

God dammit!

Okay, good. Next Monday.

Now, I want to see the exact same show that I saw tonight. No improvising.

-Made it. -Made it!

[LAUGHING]

Well, is it a boy or a girl, or won't say?

The baby was born dead. I'm dead inside, Robin.

The bone crusher has conquered.

That's not true, Liza.

You see what you've done to my little girl in your wild life?

I'm going to lose my baby again. She's going to go back to Morningside.

And it's your fault, Robin Turner.

It wasn't his fault.

Well, it was somebody's fault.

-Come on, Bob, drive. -Where to?

Canada.

So, if you need anything, you just shout or drop a book and I'll be there. Okay?

Hey. They can't force you into Morningside.

Not if you're acting healthy, you know?

They got Martin, now me. Old times.

Liza!

Come in.

Anne, I've come for Liza. Please don't give me any trouble.

Okay, but hurry up before Jo comes in.

Okay? I even got you a new cab driver.

A New York one. A gay one, thank God.

Daddy's got a show to do now. He needs some more dresses. Careful.

Bye, Anne. Thanks.

Bye, Robin.

Bye, Liza.

With Ziggy's on Mondays and the Jackrabbit on weekends, we've got money, money, money.

Oh, Liza so adores Woolworth's.

There. You're all unpacked.

You're home.

Come on, say, "home" for Da-da.

-You're home. -Robin!

Are you sure this is the right place for her?

There are no right places for people like Liza.

Come on, baby. Showtime!

I'm dead.

You're not dead, but you're getting pretty boring.

BOB: Who are you doing tonight?

Someone new for Miss Living Dead.

You're taking her to the Jackrabbit?

No, you are. And these, and this.

See if you can get her to scribble something in it.

-And dress her up a little. -Me?

Pretend she's a guy. Make her pretty.

Robin, dammit! You are nuts.

Big news.

♪

[SINGING]

Fantastic.

Autographs? Sure.

Got any valium in there, chicky?

I hope you liked my song.

I do my best. I try.

The bone crusher. He's not here.

He'll show up. Everybody gets here eventually.

But I'm in his domain. I'm dead inside.

You're not dead.

You're alive and sick and living in New York like eight million other people.

Listen. You're Liza.

You're not Jo, you're not your mother,

you're not any of the people the doctors wanted to make you into.

You'll never be normal, but you're special.

And you can have a hell of a good time.

You know,

there's only one thing.

You're mad as a hatter, darling. [LAUGHS]

But that's all right, because so am I. So am I.

I've never known anyone worth knowing

who wasn't a positive fruitcake.

We're all nuts.

You and me are here to love and look after each other.

You're not dead, you just have a healthy case of craziness.

-Craziness? -Yes. Make it work for you.

Mad.

Mad, darling.

-Mad. -Mad.

-Mad. -Mad.

Mad!

Mad!

You got it! Mad!

-Mad! -Mad!

-Mad! -Mad!

-Mad! -Mad!

♪