Original subtitles

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

(WATER RUNNING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

HILTON: Oh, God almighty!

One of Jehovah's witnesses?

Don't they ever leave people alone?

Descending on your house every week like a plague of boils

Hilton, what are you doing?

What does it look as though I'm doing?

Castrating an elephant?

They know someone's in Our car is outside

MAN: Good morning Oh, no, you were in the bath Oh, I do beg your pardon

HILTON: Yes Just getting ready to go out, I'm afraid

Otherwise I'd love to stay and chat, but nice to have met you anyway Bye

What do they always got to be so bloody cheerful for, is what I'd like to know

Yes, well

Not everyone in life's a congenital misery-guts

It wouldn't hurt you to lighten up once in a blue moon

See the world in a more optimistic light for a change

HILTON: Oh, yes After that hideous performance last night, you mean?

Coming home from the fish shop to find a severed finger in my bag of chips?

It's us, Ruthie

In case you hadn't noticed, we've been cursed with bad luck since the day we were born

I'd noticed

Okay How can I put this, folks?

It's a little bit Brian Rix, wouldn't you say?

And let's be honest Any broader, you'd be performing in a circus ring

Specifically?

Specifically, you're looking at a plot here

no audience in the West End is ever going to buy into

I mean, finding someone's finger in a bag of chips?

Then you've got the scene where he hilariously ends up in the bath with that old lady

Listen, the biggest problem of all is your central character

People want someone with warmth Someone they can relate to

I don't know what planet this guy is off, but it's certainly not Earth

Well, you say that, but here's the thing

I've actually met this man in real life, and I'm telling you,

everything you've just seen happened

There is no way I could invent this kind of stuff

At least stay and see how it plays tonight You can't always judge till the audience are in

(WATER RUNNING)

(SAWING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Another hubcap in the marigolds

I don't know why I bother sometimes

After three hours lugging all that other stuff up to the tip this afternoon

What's this?

Oh, they tried to deliver a parcel this morning, apparently

I don't know what that'll be We're not expecting anything

Oh, these are nearly cold

Which chippy did you go to?

Not that one with the mad Italians, I hope, that are always arguing with each other

They do a nice piece of gurnet

There were some real fun and games there last night, if you believe everything you hear

That chap who runs the place, Enrico,

apparently was caught by his wife at it with her best friend

What? You mean

In the shop Behind the counter with the lights out

Putting on what he thought was a contraceptive turned out to be a sachet of mustard

His wife heard the screams, ran downstairs and tried to batter them both to death

Of course, the batter was cold, so she went completely doolally with the meat cleaver

Good grief!

-Did she do any damage? -That we don't know

The way people were gabbing away there 1 9 to the dozen tonight

I did hear the words ''hacked off''

I should think she was, poor woman

Oh, these will be fine when they're warmed up

Mrs Warboys,

hope that's not my favourite clothes prop you're cutting up

What? Oh

Margaret said I could take it back for firewood, as you don't use it any more

By the way, I've run a bath for you if you want to freshen up before we eat!

Oh, yes, that'll be just the ticket

MAN ON TV: Having selected a mature female,

the male now waits until she is settled in the water.

And then proceeds to attach his jelly-like protuberances to her body.

(SCREAMING)

Well, I haven't got eyes in the back of my head, have I?

That much is evident

I should think she'll be afraid to go to sleep in the bath ever again

for fear of what might suddenly land on her face!

I mean, I cannot believe that someone would just plonk themselves down

All right, all right, Margaret All right

It's bad enough it happened Can we just drop it, please?

The worst of it was banging my jaw on that tap

I think one of my crowns has come loose

Not sure I can manage this meat pie now

Just try eating the chips

Yes

Yes, I might be able to manage

What is it?

What?

Is that a

Someone's finger

Oh, God

Tell me it's not Surely

It's been deep fried

I think I need some fresh air

What are you doing?

Looking to see if there are any more

For crying out loud! Isn't one enough?

-Go and get a flask -A what?

A thermos flask and fill it with ice

If we get it up to the hospital quickly, they might be able to do something with it

Like what?

Pick their ruddy noses! How would I know? Just get the thing out of this house

OhGod

What a day

Talk about one thing after another

Did you remember to rinse that flask out when you got back from the hospital?

Yes

Suppose it would have been a miracle if they had managed

to sew that thing back on after all that

The things people get up to Oh, you wouldn't credit it

What are you doing all that for at this time of night?

I suddenly remembered it's tomorrow that cleaning woman's coming

I don't want her to find the place looking like a pigsty

But the whole point about getting a cleaner was to give you a rest

You know you can't go at it the way you used to

Yes Well, there's something about her that makes me feel very inadequate

If she kept her clothes on while she was here, it would be a start

Running about in that skimpy bra You can't tell me she gets that hot

What are you talking about, skimpy bra That's a bikini top, surely

Oh, it looks exactly like a bikini top, I'll grant you

But that is definitely a bra

I'd stake my life on it

If they both look exactly the same, what difference does it make?

(MARGARET SCOFFING)

As long as she's got somewhere to tuck her dusters

Just one of those things we'll never know

You're in a funny mood tonight What is it?

Hmm?

Oh Just a bit tired after all that other palaver

Night, night

Night

''Dear Mimsy,

''I wonder if it's possible to reverse a circumcision

''For the last 1 3 years

''my husband has kept his foreskin in a jar

''But to be honest, I'm not sure it would still fit

''Any guidance you can give us on this matter would be much appreciated''

(TUTTING) It's tragic really, the things people write in about

I mean, listen to this one

''I have developed a thick white coating on my tongue

''which I'm worried may be dandruff

''And despite gargling twice a day with Head and Shoulders,

''the problem does not seem to go away''

So, how is Victor this morning? He not up yet?

No, I don't think he got much sleep, to be honest

Seemed to have something on his mind that he evidently didn't want to talk about, so

Boiling now

-If that's water resistant, I'm a Dutchman -Well, exactly

Yes, my name's Meldrew, 1 9 Riverbank

I believe you've got a parcel for us and I was just

Ah Anytime before 6:00 Okay, then Right Thank you Bye

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello

Oh, Enrico, how are you today? Are you still in the hospital?

-Oh, have they? Really? -Did I Did I leave a nozzle in here?

Yeah

There's no need to go to all that trouble

Yeah

All right, Enrico, I'll look forward to that Yes, bye

Katy, are you well? How is the play going these days?

Oh, good question I read it to my boyfriend last night

-who, like, just totally hated it -What did he say?

He said I'd done a sensational job

But men will say anything, won't they, when they wanna get laid

The subtext was definitely, ''Don't give up your day job''

Anyway, how's everything in this room? All right for you?

Yes, you've done a sensational job

Very nice, thank you

Oh, God, it's nearly 1 0 to one I've got a dental appointment in town at two

-I've got to rush, Mr Meldrew Bye -Bye

Unbelievable!

He's only invited himself round here for lunch now

-Who has? -That chip shop wallah, Enrico

Said he was very grateful that I'd taken his finger back last night

Now he wants to treat us to a large portion of haddock

Where are you off to?

Well, I'm not sitting here all morning watching Snow White get her kit off

Said we'd pop down the health shop, see if we can get something for Jean's shoulder

It's like one long pain, now, going right up into my jaw

Dreading going up to see him, now, about this tooth

Oh, of course 'Cause you're allergic to the injections

I don't know what it is, the Novocaine or whatever, always makes me horribly sick

Remember last time when I brought my liver up?

Those suction tubes can barely cope with a mouthful of gravy

Well, there must be other ways they can numb you

Have you ever thought about going to a different dentist?

I won't, if you don't mind, Enrico

I've gone off chips for the moment Thanks all the same

Just a nibble

It's good, right?

Like being suckled by Angela Rippon Just melts in the mouth

Listen, Victor I was deeply touched, you know, when you brought that back to me last night

Other men would have flushed it down the crapper

But Victor? No

Listen, how many years now you come into my shop?

Doesn't matter Enrico knows Can spot a man of superior intellect

Because for me right now

is big problem, right?

Two nights ago, my wife catch me with her best friend on floor of the shop

-behind the counter -Yes, I heard

You heard? It's very possible I make plenty of noise

But, then, this morning I come home from hospital I know just what to do

Get both women together and I tell them it's only one way to choose between them

We'll let Victor decide

What?

We'll let Victor Meldrew make the decision, like judgement of Solomon

It's not easy, for sure

They are both very beautiful

Antonella is a wonderful, wonderful wife

But Phyllis

You know, wow!

Well, Enrico, I haven't

Have you thought of writing to one of these people in the paper?

I'm sure they can advise you much better than I can, because

Anyway, I've got to pop out very shortly to the post office

So perhaps I'll just Perhaps I'll just take these and wash them up

Hey, Victor, it's fantastic idea, right?

Check it out Mimsy Berkowitz

''Am I lost in love

''or seeking solace in sex?''

Whatever my emotional dilemma, Mimsy can help me

Maybe write to her She tell me what to do

Yes, I think it's for the best, Enrico

Now, I'm afraid I've got to go now So, unfortunately, you'll have to

Yes Before you go, Victor Do me one tiny favour

Oh, hello

-Did you make it in time then in the end? -Sorry?

-The dental appointment -Oh, yes

Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I'm not quite with it yet I'm still a bit spaced out, I think

-Oh, right From the anaesthetic? -Hypnosis, actually

-Hypnosis? -I know, it's amazing

She's Taiwanese She uses, like, this kind of hypnotherapy to put you under, and it's brilliant

You don't feel any pain Don't remember any of what happened, anything

What's that? A new pair of cufflinks?

To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea who it's from or anything

-I'll see you around, Mr Meldrew -Right Bye, Katy

Take care

What are you up to? She's supposed to have done that once this morning

''Supposed to'' is right

My God

Is that it?

-What do you think it is? -I don't know

There's nothing on the outside to say who sent it or anything

Oh!

I'll tell you what I did find when I was out A dentist that might be handy for you know who

Apparently there's one that cleaner goes to who uses hypnotism on her patients

She puts them under, and they don't feel any pain or anything

What in the name of all that's holy!

What

Where did it come from? That can't possibly be for us

Mr and Mrs Meldrew 1 9 Riverbank

Well, there must be a letter or a note

I mean, what the hell is it for?

-Perhaps it's a free gift -A free gift?

Oh, hang on

There's something written underneath here

-What does it say? -It says

''Best before January 2001 ''

Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I thought we said 1 0:00

Perhaps I'll just take my own car

Oh, you'll do nothing of the kind, Mrs Warboys I'll be with you in just a jiffy

Now, if you could get the car out of the garage, that would be one big help

Yes Yes, all right

Still don't know if it's the answer Hypnotherapy, you know

I mean, what if they can't bring me out of a trance?

I could turn into a vegetable doing a striptease every time anyone claps their hands

Oh

This is very lifelike, isn't it?

Could almost be real

-What? -Of course, I had a talk with my old dentist

who said I should definitely give it a try,

and he's given me a copy of the X-ray to take along and everything, but

What's that? Bad news?

Well, I found it in that letter rack

''Mimsy Berkowitz''

Is this Victor's handwri

What would he be doing writing to an agony aunt?

I don't know

There was obviously something on his mind the other night, but

My God, you think he's got some girl into trouble?

Why ever do you say that?

Well, whatever it is, it smacks of dishonesty

-Let's see if I can pick it open -No, Jean!

If he's got some kind of problem that he feels he can't share with me,

that's his lookout I'm sorry

Yes, well

I'll pop it into the box for you while I'm out

''Dear Mimsy, I have the most terrible problem and need your advice

''Recently I have developed an insane passion for my wife's best friend

''who I now realise I totally worship

''Ever since we shared an intimate moment together a few nights ago,

''I cannot stop thinking about her''

Oh, my God

Here we are then

Sorry about that

All set

We're all set

Try not to worry about it Everything's going to be absolutely fine

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

-Mrs Warboys -Yes

-First time here, yes? -Yes

And feeling a bit nervous about it all, if truth be told

You say something about a crown, right?

Yes Oh, and Mr Spigot gave me this to give to you

which will make far more sense to you than it does to me

Ah, okay I see

It's been giving me such gyp, I can't tell you

And I've been saying to myself for weeks I must get this shoulder done,

-but you know what it is -Okay Fine

First of all, Mrs Warboys, just relax, okay?

And keep very, very still

Doesn't seem to need a lot of doing, this floor

Are you sure you haven't secretly been mopping it all over before I got here?

Oh, by the way, thanks for putting us onto that dentist of yours

That was just what our friend was looking for

Amazing to think they can do that now

Give you fillings and everything just with hypnotherapy

Oh, no, it's fantastic

It's not my dentist, though, who does all that I wish it was

Not your dentist?

Then who was it you'd just been to see when Victor ran into

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Jackie Tang's

Mr Meldrew? Your wife

Thank you Hello, yes?

Yes, we're still here

Yes, I think she should be out at any minute

What?

You're joking!

I'll speak to you later

All completed now

I hope she will be pleased

Er, yes

Mrs Warboys

Mrs Warboys

You excuse me

(PHONE RINGING)

Mr Meldrew!

I'm sorry I'll just get your coat

Where in God's name is she?

And why did she have to shoot off on her own like that anyway? It doesn't make any sense

I've no idea After we came out, she said she had to go to the post office

and she was going to come back here on the bus to pick up her car

She's been giving me very strange looks all day, come to that

Well, when she does get here, you are going to tell her everything

God, you've cocked some things up in your time, Victor, but this one takes the biscuit

I don't know who was in a bigger trance, her or you

MARGARET: Don't tell me that bulb's gone again already

No All off now

VICTOR: It'll just be the trip switch needs re-setting Do you want me to do it?

No, I can manage

JEAN: Anyone in?

Sorry, it was murder on the buses tonight

Oh, Mr Meldrew?

-What's going on? -VICTOR: It's all right, Mrs Warboys, come right in

No, I'm sorry, I can't stay

I just came to collect my keys which I think I left here

Yeah, but you're not in a rush, are you?

I thought it might be an idea if we just sat down and had a little chat

JEAN: Oh, my God, what's that horrible rubbery thing?

(SLAPPING)

You keep away from me, Mr Meldrew!

Help! Help!

-Mrs Warboys -No! Oh, God!

No! No! Help!

Jean?

Oh I'll

I'll talk to you later

Bye

Do you ever get the feeling

you'd just like to go to sleep and not wake up the next morning?

Every night Wouldn't have to worry then

Wouldn't have to keep trying to make sense of it all

All what?

Us This

Everything It's like when I was at the hospital the other night I don't know

And you see it all there, don't you?

The whole thing under one roof

Birth

Death

All the misery in between

I remember reading an article once that said, ''All our lives are just a temporary blip

''in the long meaningless void of eternity''

And that we'll never know where we came from or what we're doing here

Or why a grown woman would suddenly jam a courgette in the door

I mean,

it's not even as if she could have mistaken it in the dark for something else

(SILENT)

(THEATRE AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(THEATRE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

Molly, what the hell did you think he was trying to do?

And with a thing like that?

Who do you think I'm married to? Champion the Wonder Horse?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Make it a spring onion, we'd be getting closer to the mark

Look, we're on the end of a pier

They're not gonna be the most demanding house in the world

-They're laughing -But the laughter is meaningless

You put this in front of people who think, they're gonna ask too many questions

Like, ''What the hell was the deal with that giant fly?''

You can't just set up something like that and then never explain it

But they never did explain it It just became like this total unsolved mystery

-Which is what I love about it -Sorry, Katy

There's some interesting stuff here, but bottom line, the writing has to be convincing

And end of the day, I'm afraid for me, that's the biggest single problem

I don't believe it

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #