Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

- ( cheering ) - THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

- ( whooping ) - WLCOME TO THE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN.

WE HAVE AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF "TWO AND A HALF MEN."

WE'RE SHOWING IT ON MY SHOW FOR SOME REASON.

CRYSTAL METH IS ASSOCIATED WITH REDNECK WHITE DUDES

AND I THINK IT NEEDS TO MAKE THAT CROSSOVER TO HIP-HOP.

THEY GOTTA GET ONBOARD WITH METH, BUT I THINK THEY NEED

TO BE EASED INTO IT FOR THE REAL RAPPERS,

SO THEY HAVE-- THIS IS A NEW PRODUCT CALLED CRISTAL METH.

( all laugh )

AND IT'S A CRISTAL CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE

BUT THERE'S METH IN IT,

JUST SO THE GUYS ARE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

JUST GOTTA EASE 'EM INTO THE METH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THROW IN CRISTAL, THEY'RE ONBOARD.

METH-- YOU JUST SLIP THAT IN.

ANYWAY, ENJOY THIS NEXT SKETCH.

- IT WAS WRITTEN BY EVERYONE IN THIS AUDIENCE. - ( cheering )

WE ALL WROTE THIS NEXT SKETCH.

Reporter: A large group gathered in Mulberry Park today

to protest the laws against marijuana.

Meanwhile, across the street

another group has organized a different sort of protest.

- I caught up with them there to investigate the story. - Men: WE WANT METH!

METH GETS A BAD WRAP. WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUR VOICE.

THAT'S WHAT WE WANNA TO DO HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S LIKE MARIJUANA'S GOT A VOICE AND THEY'VE GOT HEMP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? CRYSTAL METH GETS ASSOCIATED WITH DRUG ABUSE,

BUT THAT'S GOT ALTERNATE USES TOO. YOU CAN MAKE CLOTHING.

I'M-- I'M WEARING A METH T-SHIRT RIGHT NOW.

LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THIS. I JUST BOUGHT IT AT THE STORE.

THAT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST METH WIPED ALL OVER YOUR BODY THERE.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S A T-SHIRT. BOUGHT IT.

REALLY? YOUR T-SHIRT HAS NIPPLES.

- DO YOU KNOW THAT? - YEAH, IT COMES WITH NIPPLES.

Man: METH HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY, HELP YOU LOSE YOUR BODY WEIGHT.

LIKE, I'M A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN, BUT I GOT TONS OF ENERGY.

I MEAN EVEN MORE ENERGY THAN BETTY AND SHE 19.

- Reporter: SIR. - Jerry: YEAH?

HOW DOES THIS ACTIVITY AFFECT YOUR DIET?

WE'RE ON A HUNGER STRIKE RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE NOT-- WE'RE NOT BIG EATERS, ANYWAY,

BECAUSE WE THINK FOOD IS KIND OF POISON FOR YOUR BODY.

- MMM. - AND IT'S-- A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

THAT DAIRY IS TOXIC FOR YOU.

WE HAVE OVER 12 SIGNATURES, SO I'M PRETTY EXCITED.

I HAVE 500,000 SIGNATURES! WE'RE ON THE BALLOT, MAN!

IT'S DONE. DONE.

YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR OWN NAME 500,000 TIMES!

I KNOW, MAN. I'VE BEEN UP FOR THREE DAYS. STAYED UP FOR THREE DAYS

AND I GOT ALL THE SIGNATURES, SO WE'RE GOOD.

- WE WON! - Reporter: WOW.

WE HAVE A CAMPAIGN-- "GET THE SPIDERS OFF YOUR BODY."

WE'RE REAL ANTI-SPIDERS- ON-YOUR-BODY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T REALLY TALKING ABOUT THAT,

HOW THERE'S SPIDERS ALL OVER YOUR BODY.

PEOPLE THINK THAT METH IS, LIKE, THIS SCOURGE,

BUT ACTUALLY IT'S REALLY GOOD FOR SOCIETY.

IT HELPS US GET RID OF ALL OUR COPPER WIRE.

IT'S A GODSEND FOR PEOPLE WHOSE TEETH ARE TOO LONG

- AND DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GONORRHEA. - ( cars honking )

- THIS SEEMS LIKE A REALLY FUN AFFAIR. - OH, IT'S A BLAST, MAN.

IT'S LIKE A ROYAL BALL.

I FEEL LIKE MICKEY MOUSE! LEGALIZE METH!

- COME ON! - AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO CHANGE LEGISLATION,

- WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A DAY JOB? - I AM A MODEL.

OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE ON METH, OKAY?

- THOMAS JEFFERSON..HE HAD A LAB IN HIS BACKYARD, RIGHT? - All: YEAH!

GEORGE WASHINGTON-- WHY DO YOU THINK HE HAD WOODEN TEETH?

- I MEAN, COME ON, MAN! - YEAH!

WE NEED LEGAL METH AND WE NEED IT NOW.

- FOOD IS BAD. - GUYS, I CUT OFF THE GOVERNOR'S HEAD.

- METH IS LEGAL! - HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT THE GOVERNOR!

DUDE, THAT'S KYLE THE DEALER!

- OH YEAH. - ( gasps )

THIS IS JIM CHANCE

REPORTING FROM DOWNTOWN AT THE LEGALIZE METH RALLY.

- Jerry: WE'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER! - BACK TO YOU, LINDA.

Jerry: OH, IT'S SO COOL.

- HIGH. - HIGH.

- HELLO. - NO, I MEANT WE'RE HIGH.

- SO HIGH. - ( rock music playing )

OKAY. CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?

- WITH WHAT? - FOOD. DO YOU WANT TO ORDER?

YES. I THOUGHT YOU MEANT HELP US SOLVE A MYSTERY OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO. I WAS LIKE "IT'S SO LATE FOR A MYSTERY,

BUT I GUESS I'LL DO IT."

- CAN I GET SOME SUSHI? - NO, IT'S CHEESEBURGER WORLD.

- WE HAVE CHEESEBURGERS. - YEAH, I KNOW, BUT IT ALSO SAYS "WORLD,"

SO I THOUGHT YOU HAD FOODS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

LIKE SUSHI, WHICH IS A FAMOUS FOOD FROM CANADA.

IT'S CHEESEBURGER WORLD, A WORLD OF CHEESEBURGERS.

- THAT'S IT. - OKAY! I GET IT!

- JESUS. BEEP. - DAD?

NO, IT'S CINDY. WE'RE AT THE FOOD PLACE.

OH. CAN I GET A CHEESEBURGER WITH CHEESE?

- YES. ANYTHING ELSE? - AND SKITTLES,

PEANUT BUTTER, COOL RANCH DORITOS

AND CHOCOLATE FROSTING.

THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD. MAKE THAT TWO OF THOSE.

YEAH, AND CHEEZ WHIZ.

( whispering ) DO YOU GUYS SELL COKE OR NO?

- JUST FORGET IT. - AND IF YOU HAVE SOME PRADA COLOGNE,

SPRAY THAT ON IT TOO, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.

I WANT MY TUMMY TO SMELL PRETTY BUT NOT OVERBEARING.

YOUR TUMMY ALWAYS SMELLS PRETTY. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DOUBT YOURSELF?

( crying ) BECAUSE SOMETIMES I JUST DO.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU WERE MOLESTED EVERY CHRISTMAS EVE WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

- DO YOU WANT FRENCH FRIES? - YEAH, I LOVE FRENCH GUYS.

- I -- HALF OF PARIS. - DOMO ARIGATO.

THAT'S FRENCH FOR... ( whispers ) YOU'RE FAT.

- UH, FRIES, NOT GUYS. - YEAH, FINE. WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.

- TO GO? - NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO -- YOU!

WHAT THE --? GROSS!

- WHAT THE PROBLEMS HERE? - UM...

YEAH, THIS GUY SAID HE WANTS US TO -- HIM.

I SAID "TO GO" NOT --.

- THEY'RE HAMMERED. - WE'RE NOT DRUNK. WE'RE HIGH.

THIS WORLD OF CHEESEBURGERS SUCKS.

IF YOU WANNA START YOUR OWN WORLD,

YOU MIGHT NEED MORE FOOD THAN A CHEESEBURGER,

'CAUSE NOT ONLY ARE YOU GONNA GET FATTER,

- YOU ALSO GONNA DIE OF A HEART "ATTENSE." - ( farts )

- CINDY? - WHAT?

WILL YOU CHANGE ME IN THE BABY STATION?

YEAH, YOU'RE LIKE MY BABY, SO I'LL CHANGE YOU A MILLION TIMES.

Girls: BYE.

- HONK. - HONK.

- ( both laugh ) - Cindy: HONK. HONK.

( cooing )

HI THERE, LITTLE GUY. OH, THAT'S MY LITTLE GUY.

YOU HAVE A VERY BEAUTIFUL BABY, MR. BRADLEY.

THANKS. HE LOOKS REALLY RED.

IS THAT NORMAL? IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE THAT COLOR?

YEAH YEAH, ALL NEWBORN BABIES LOOK LIKE THAT.

- IS THIS YOUR FIRST CHILD? - YEAH.

GOD, THIS LITTLE GUY JUST LOOKS SO FRAGILE.

YEAH, BUT THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH, MAN.

BUT AS A FIRST-TIME FATHER, YOU'RE GONNA WORRY A LOT

AND THAT'S NORMAL, TOTALLY NORMAL, OKAY?

ANYWAY, I'M GOING ON BREAK. IF YOU NEED ME, JUST CALL.

- OKAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH. - OF COURSE.

- ( phone beeps ) - HEY, DAD.

NO, I JUST WANTED TO--

LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK, DAD. NURSE!

THAT BABY'S GOT A GUN.

- WHICH ONE? - THE ONE ON THE END.

OH YEAH, THAT'S THE DICKERMAN BABY. HE OWNS A GUN.

YEAH, BUT A BABY SHOULDN'T HAVE A GUN EVER.

EVER. I AGREE, BUT TELL THAT TO THE SECOND AMENDMENT.

PLUS HE'S GOT HIS LITTLE GUN PERMIT RIGHT THERE. HE'S LEGITIMATE.

- OKAY? - ( breathes hard )

- ( door opens ) - NURSE! NURSE!

( cooing )

- WHAT? WHAT? - LOOK. LOOK.

- WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? - DO YOU SEE THE NINJAS?

- YEAH, THEY ADOPTED A BABY. - WHY ARE THEY ALLOWED TO GO IN THERE AND I'M NOT?

- 'CAUSE THEY HAVE MASKS. - YEAH, BUT THEY'RE FIGHTING.

YEHA, COUPLES FIGHT. YOU NEVER FIGHT WITH YOUR WIFE?

- YEAH. - YEAH, YOU DO.

THEY'RE HAVING A NINJA COUPLE FIGHT WITH SWORDS. IT HAPPENS.

( baby coos )

OKAY, FIRST-TIME DAD? ( laughs ) RELAX.

- HI. - HEY. OH, THERE'S MY LITTLE GIRL ON THE END.

- HAVE A CIGAR. - HEY, THANKS.

- YEAH, WHICH ONE'S YOURS? - MINE'S THE ONE NEXT TO THE BEAR.

- ( bear panting ) - ( cooing )

- ( roars ) - OH MY GOD! NURSE!

- WHAT?! - THERE'S A BEAR IN THERE WITH THE BABIES!

YEAH, HE'S FROM THE THIRD FLOOR. HE'S BEING TREATED FOR DEPRESSION.

SO YOU LET HIM IN THERE WITH THE BABIES?!

- ( roars ) - YES, IT'S VERY THERAPEUTIC.

HE'S ACTUALLY DOING VERY WELL BECAUSE OF THE THERAPY

AND WE HAVEN'T HAD AN INCIDENT SINCE THE FIRST TIME.

- ( roars ) - ( baby crying )

LET ME GUESS-- FIRST-TIME DAD?

OH YEAH, RIGHT HERE. ( mimics siren )

( laughs ) I REMEMBER MY FIRST BABY.

DON'T WORRY. IT GETS BETTER.

- ( bear growls ) - ( exhales deeply )

- ( crying ) - NURSE! NURSE, SOME DIRTBAGS JUST ENTERED!

YES, MR. BRADLEY. DUE TO CITY BUDGET CUTS,

WE LET THE POLICE USE THIS WINDOW FOR CRIMINAL LINEUPS.

Bradley: SO YOU LET CRIMINALS IN THERE WITH THE BABY?

HEY, THEY'RE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY, ALL RIGHT?

- YOU RECOGNIZE ANYONE IN THE LINEUP? - 3.

3, COULD YOU STEP FORWARD BY THE BRADLEY BABY?

OH GOD! OH GOD, THAT'S THE MAN THAT KIDNAPPED AND ATE MY BABY!

- OH! EATS BABIES! OH! - OH MY GOD.

EVERYONE CAN LEAVE EXCEPT 3.

- Nurse: LET HIM STAY, YEAH. - ( baby coos )

NO NO NO NO NO, DON'T LEAVE HIM IN THERE WITH MY BABY!

- IT'S FINE. - IT'S OKAY. HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

YEAH, BUT THAT BABY'S GOT A GUN!

- ( people screaming ) - ( bullets ricochet )

- NICE GOING, BUTTHOLE. - ( door opens )

- YEAH. YEAH. - ( guns firing )

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO BUY THE DICKERMAN BABY

A NEW GUN NOW THANKS TO YOU.

( door opens )

- ( phone beeps ) - HEY, DAD. SORRY. YEAH.

NO, LOOK, EVERYTHING'S FINE. THEY'VE GOT A DOCTOR IN THERE AND HE'S CHECKING IN ON THEM.

NO NO. NO! HEY, PUT THOSE BABIES DOWN!

YOU! WHY'D YOU LET HIM STEAL BABIES!

- I THOUGHT HE WAS A DOCTOR. - NO, HE'S A MENTAL PATIENT FROM THE THIRD FLOOR!

- DAMN IT! - YEAH, BUT I THOUGHT--

- ( babies crying ) - HEY, GET OUT OF HERE, MAN!

- NINJAS, COME ON! - JESUS.

ON AUGUST 5th, 2008,

MY WIFE WAS KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER.

THE DRIVER OF THE OTHER CAR SURVIVED,

AND I HAD TO LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT

THE WOMAN I LOVED MOST OF ALL WAS GONE FOREVER.

AND THAT'S WHY I CREATED

THE STEVE HUNTINGTON ARTIFICIAL VAGINA.

WHEN MY WIFE SUSAN DIED TRAGICALLY,

I HAD NEVER FELT SO ALONE.

THEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE STEVE HUNTINGTON POCKET --,

AND IT WAS LIKE SHE HAD NEVER LEFT.

EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY THE SAME AS BEFORE SHE DIED,

BUT SHE WAS JUST A BIT SMALLER.

IN OCTOBER 2010,

TWO MASKED MEN BROKE INTO OUR HOME,

TIED US DOWN

AND SHOT MY WIFE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

LUCKILY I HAD MY STEVE HUNTINGTON ARTIFICIAL VAGINA.

MY WIFE WAS ACTUALLY KILLED BY A STEVE HUNTINGTON'S ARTIFICIAL VAGINA.

A LARGE STACK OF THEM FELL ON TOP OF HER.

LUCKILY I BROUGHT ONE HOME WITH ME.

Steve: JULIE HAD A PERFECT SMILE,

A GREAT LAUGH--

BUT MOST OF ALL, SHE HAD A FANTASTIC VAGINA.

I MADE THE REPLICA USING ONLY THE MOST DURABLE,

SOFTEST, FINGERABLE MATERIALS.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT JULIE WOULD'VE WANTED.

DO I STILL MISS JULIE? SURE, I GUESS.

- NOT REALLY. - ( tires screech )

( shouts ) NO! NO!

( crying ) YOU KILLED MY WIFE!

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

- ( squeaks ) - HONEY?!

Announcer: DRUNK DRIVERS DESTROY THOUSANDS

OF ARTIFICIAL VAGINAS EVERY YEAR.

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE.

( cheering, applauding )

HI. SO WE WRITE A LOT OF STUFF FOR THE SHOW.

AND A LOT OF STUFF DOESN'T MAKE IT

FOR COST REASONS OR BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO DUMB...

- ( laughing ) - ...THAT THE NETWORK'S JUST LIKE "REALLY?

HOW OLD ARE YOU GUYS?" BUT THIS WAS ONE--

THIS WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE ONES THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT.

AND I HAD WRITTEN IT A LONG TIME AGO FOR SEASON ONE.

IT STILL NEVER MADE IT. AND IT'S A PRODUCT FOR A DRINK.

AND YOU ALL-- YOU GUYS KNOW VITAMIN WATER, RIGHT?

- Man: YEAH. - THIS, I THINK, IS A BETTER TAKE ON VITAMIN WATER.

- IT'S VICODIN WATER. - ( laughing )

I MEAN, YEAH, VITAMINS ARE GREAT, OKAY.

BUT VICODIN MAKES YOU FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

YOU COULD OF A LOT OF THINGS ON VICODIN

AND NOT FEEL IT.

IT'S SO REPLENISHING.

YEAH, I'VE HAD SOME VICODIN EXPERIENCE.

I-- ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.

I GOT MY WISDOM TEETH OUT ONCE. ANYBODY EVER HAD THAT--

- WISDOM TEETH? - People: YEAH.

BRUTAL, RIGHT?

MY FRIEND IS SUCH AN IDIOT.

SO I GOT MY WISDOM TEETH OUT-- I GET ALL FOUR--

HAS ANYBODY EVER HAD ALL FOUR OUT?

- Woman: YEAH. - YEAH, YOU HAVE. FROM JERSEY?

- Woman: YEAH. - YEAH, BUT THAT WAS IN A FIGHT, RIGHT?

IT WAS-- IT WAS LIKE "YEAH, GET THE -- OUTTA HERE.

EAGLES!" YOU'RE LIKE, "OW!"

I-- NO, I GOT ALL FOUR OUT

AND MY BUDDY'S SUCH A DRUG ADDICT.

HE'S LIKE "OH, YOU GOT YOUR WISDOM TEETH OUT?"

I'M LIKE "YEAH." HE GOES, "THEY GIVE YOU VICODIN?"

I'M LIKE "YEAH, I HAVE 30."

HE'S LIKE "DON'T TAKE 'EM, DUDE."

I'M LIKE "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" HE'S LIKE "DON'T TAKE 'EM.

WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS IN A MONTH. JUST SAVE 'EM."

I'M LIKE "WHAT?!" LIKE, I'M IN HORRIFYING PAIN.

FOUR WISDOM TEETH OUT IS LIKE FREDDY KRUEGER -- WENT APE-- IN YOUR MOUTH.

IT'S JUST LIKE... ( mimics scream ) LIKE MURDER, LIKE BLOOD

IT'S AWFUL. IT'S SO MUCH PAIN.

AND MY -- FRIEND'S LIKE "NO, JUST-- JUST TOUGH IT OUT."

SO I TOUGHED IT OUT FOR A MONTH.

IT WAS AWFUL. AND I SAVED 'EM FOR VEGAS.

AND ME AND HIM SPLIT ALL 30 IN A WEEKEND.

- YEAH! - YEAH, LET'S JUST SAY

I WENT TO -- AVATAR LAND

BY THE TIME I WAS DONE WITH THAT.

- Man: FINDING A DOCTOR IS TOUGH... - ( groaning )

...ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A MONSTER.

BUT THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.

I'M JASPER HILL, MONSTER DOCTOR.

WHEN OTHER DOCTORS SCREAM, I LISTEN.

WOW, YOU ARE REALLY IN NEED OF A PROSTATE EXAM.

ALL RIGHT? YOU'RE ALMOST 3,000 YEARS OLD.

YOU'VE GOTTA GET THAT CHECKED OUT EVERY 200 YEARS, OKAY?

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

LOOK, HIS ORGANS MAY BE COVERED IN WORMS AND MAGGOTS,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT STILL ORGANS.

YOU'RE LUCKY, ALL RIGHT?

THAT STAKE CAME THREE INCHES FROM YOUR HEART.

I GUESS I DRANK TOO MANY BLOODY MARYS LAST NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU KEEP DRINKING BLOOD,

- LOSE THE MARY. - ( both laughing )

Jasper: I LIKE TO HAVE FUN AND MONSTERS APPRECIATE MY BEDSIDE MANNER.

IF YOU'RE A MONSTER LOOKING TO GET INTO THE MEDICAL PROFESSION,

WE OFFER INTERNSHIPS.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU

YOU'VE GOTTA WEAR UNDERWEAR WHEN YOU RIDE YOUR BROOMSTICK?

- THESE SPLINTERS ARE BAD. - ( monster groaning )

- COBWEBS! - BE PROFESSIONAL.

NO, THAT DOESN'T GO THERE. WHAT ARE YOU DO--

Jasper: AND TELL IT TO YOU STRAIGHT WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT YOU'RE DEAD.

NO INSURANCE? NO PROBLEM.

I ACCEPT AMULETS, ANCIENT TREASURES,

GOLD TEETH FROM PEOPLE YOU ATE.

BUT NO GHOST MONEY, ALL RIGHT? THAT DOES NOT WORK.

SO CALL NOW, MONSTERS,

- 'CAUSE NO ILLNESS IS TOO DIFFICULT... - ( bangs )

DIARRHEA!

- ...OR TOO SIMPLE. - ( groans )

- HEY, BLAZE. - ( reggae music playing )

YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU CUT YOUR HEAD OFF

AND THEN YOU TAKE A BREATH RIGHT BEFORE YOU DO IT

THAT YOU STAY CONSCIOUS FOR AWHILE?

NOT BUYING IT, STONEY.

NO WAY A HEADLESS DUDE LASTS LONGER THAN 30 SECONDS.

YEAH, IT DOES, MAN. I READ IT ON THE INTERNET.

- PROVE IT. - FINE, MAN. YOU GOT ANYTHING SHARP?

( laughs ) YEAH.

- OH SWEET. - SWEET.

- ( laughing ) - OH MAN.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL AFTER FIVE MINUTES--

YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO MY HEAD!

HOLD YOUR BREATH, STONEY!

- HEYO! - ( grunts )

( grunting )

- ( laughing ) - HEY, MAN, YOU GOT THE TIMER? START IT.

- AND THEN FART IT ON YOUR DUMB FACE. - ( clicks )

- COUNTDOWN TO YOUR EPIC FAIL, STONEY! - ( ticking )

I FEEL SUPER LIGHT.

I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD'S GONNA BLOW AWAY.

( ticking continues )

YEAH, I TOLD YOU, BITCH. ( laughs )

- PSYCH! OWNED! - DAMN IT!

STONEY'S HEAD ALIVE LIKE A BOSS!

( laughs ) YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D BY A HEAD, MAN.

NO BODY!

( timer ticks, dings )

- YOU WERE RIGHT. - UH, YEAH, TRY UBER RIGHT, MAN.

YOU WERE DOMINATED 100%, MAN.

YOU'RE SUCH A NOOB WHEN IT COMES TO HEADLESS --.

I GET IT, I GET IT! LET'S BLAZE.

- COME ON. - OH YEAH, TWIST MY ARM.

PSYCH! I DON'T HAVE ONE.

- ( snickers ) - ( coughs )

WHOA. I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HIGH BEFORE, MAN.

- ( laughs ) - IT'S CRAZY.

HEY. HEY. WHOA!

WHAT'S THAT, MAN?! MY BODY!

OH NO, MAN! I'M -- UP!

( cries )

- PSYCH! - ( laughing )

I TOTALLY GOT YOU, DUDE.

- YOU FLIPPED OUT. - YEAH.

HEY, BODY, SUCK MY --.

- ( Stoney laughing ) - * STONEY AND BLAZE...

- YEAH! - * STONEY AND BLAZE...

- DUNK ME, MAN! BREAK MY NOSE. - * STONEY

- * AND BLAZE... - HEY-O!

* STONEY AND BLAZE...

- BOOBS! - * STONEY AND BLAZE...

- BOOBIES! BOOBS. - ( screams )

- ( laughs ) - * STONEY AND BLAZE.

( softly ) MAN, I REALLY DON'T WANNA DO GARY'S EULOGY.

( softly ) WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE HIS BEST FRIEND.

I KNOW, BUT HOW HE DIED.

A TRAGIC CAR ACCIDENT.

YEAH, WHILE TAKING A PICTURE OF HIS --,

THEN HE EMAILED IT TO EVERYONE BY MISTAKE.

EVERYONE GOT THAT EMAIL.

THIS COULD'VE EASILY HAPPENED TO ME.

I MEAN, CHECK OUT THIS -- PIC WHILE I DROVE OVER HERE.

OH! DUDE, COME ON, MAN. LEARN FROM GARY.

( sighs )

WHAT CAN YOU SAY WHEN SOMEONE DIES?

ESPECIALLY IN THIS CASE.

NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT--

NOT BECAUSE OF HOW THEY DIE,

I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE GARY WAS MY BEST FRIEND.

HIS TWO FAVORITE PASTIMES WERE DRIVING AND PHOTOGRAPHY.

NOT AT THE SAME TIME. I MEAN HE DID IT AT THE SAME TIME,

BUT NOT-- ALL RIGHT, SORRY.

GARY HAD A GREAT PENIS.

AND I THINK THAT STEMS FROM HIS PARENTS,

SO I COMMEND YOU ON THAT, RAISING HIS PENIS.

WHAT THE-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

( groans, swears )

THANKS, GARY, FOR THIS MOMENT

THAT I HAVE TO DO. ( chuckles )

I'M JUST-- I'M NOT-- I'M JUST GONNA CUT TO THE CHASE.

THIS IS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. WE ALL KNOW THAT GARY SENT US A PICTURE OF HIS --.

OKAY, SO I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT GARY WOULD'VE LAUGHED AT THIS.

HE WOULD'VE LAUGHED HARDER THAN ANYONE

AND I THINK IF YOU KNOW GARY, YOU'D KNOW THAT HE WOULD REALLY BE ENJOYING THIS.

GARY WOULD WANT US TO LEARN FROM THIS, IF ANYTHING.

WE ALL TAKE PICTURES OF OUR -- WHILE WE DRIVE.

SO A SHOW OF HANDS--

WHO'S TAKEN A PICTURE OF THEIR -- WHILE THEY'VE BEEN DRIVING?

NOBODY? JUST ME AND GARY?

THAT'S REAL RESPECTFUL.

GARY'S DEAD AND YOU'RE GONNA LIE. RICKY?

REALLY, NO PICTURE FROM YOU?

YES. AND I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE ALIVE.

VAGINA PICS? SARAH?

YEAH, HOW WAS THAT D.U.I.--

OR VAGINA U.I.-- THAT YOU GOT?

GRANDMA NELSON? VAGINA PICS WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING?

NICE.

WHEN WE DO TAKE THE PICTURES OF OUR GENITALS,

LET'S DO THEM IN A PARKING LOT

OR AT A RED LIGHT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE,

NOT GOING 95 DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET, FULLY ERECT.

IF YOU WANNA STICK AROUND, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE AN OPEN CASKET,

SO YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIS DEAD --.

- ( rock music playing ) - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TUNING IN.

YOU'RE ALWAYS AWESOME.

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR FILTHY MIND.

- THANK YOU, GUYS. - ( whooshes )

Man: TERRIFIC.

I FINALLY FOUND CLOSURE BY CONFRONTING THE MAN WHO KILLED MY WIFE.

I CAN'T EXPRESS HOW DEEPLY SORRY I AM.

YOU DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO ME.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS?

NO, YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO MY WIFE'S VAGINA.

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