Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E

- * THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. - ( applause and cheering )

WELCOME BACK

* TO "PRETEND TIME" WITH BRAD PITT. *

I'M JUST LIKE-- LEVELS OF FAME AMAZE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT

BEING LIKE PSYCHOTICALLY FAMOUS,

LIKE, I ALWAYS, LIKE, WONDER, LIKE,

WHAT WOULD IT JUST BE LIKE TO BE JOHNNY DEPP?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

LIKE, JUST LEVELS OF FAME, WHERE I'M JUST LIKE--

WHAT DOES JOHNNY DEPP DO, LIKE, EVERY DAY?

YOU JUST WAKE UP AND YOU'RE THAT -- AWESOME.

YOU JUST LOOK AMAZING, EVERYONE LOVES YOU.

AND IF I WERE JOHNNY DEPP--

IF I JUST HAD A COUPLE OF DAYS BEING JOHNNY DEPP--

LIKE, HE'S SO FAMOUS AND LOVED THAT HE COULD

WAKE UP-- JUST WAKE UP IN CALIFORNIA ONE DAY

AND JUST BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO TO THE AIRPORT."

PICK ANY STATE. ANY STATE.

JUST FLY TO ALABAMA, JUST GET OFF THE PLANE,

GET IN A CAR, JUST DRIVE OUT

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. JUST GO OUT OF, LIKE, SUBURBS

SOME LITTLE TOWN-- MAYBE IT'S 7:00 AT NIGHT.

IT'S LIKE DINNERTIME. JUST WALK IT.

PULL UP IN FRONT OF SOME HOUSE, JUST WALK RIGHT IN.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. JUST WALK RIGHT IN.

DINNERTIME, NICE FAMILY, A COUPLE KIDS,

A DOG, EVERYONE SITTING DOWN TO DINNER.

HE DOESN'T KNOCK. HE'S JOHNNY DEPP.

HE JUST WALKS RIGHT INTO THE HOUSE.

JUST WALKS RIGHT INTO THE DINING ROOM, JUST WALKS IN.

JUST LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, YOU GUYS?

I'M JOHNNY DEPP.

WHO WANTS TO SMELL MY PENIS?"

TWO SECONDS, THAT WHOLE FAMILY'S SMELLING HIS PENIS.

BUT LIKE, YOU'RE THAT FAMOUS, YOU CAN JUST DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

MERYL STREEP, SHE COULD DO THAT.

SHE COULD WALK INTO A CONVENT. SHE BE LIKE,

( falsetto ) "WHO WANTS TO SMELL MY BOOB SWEAT?"

ALL THOSE NUNS ARE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE DON'T

SUPPORT THAT, BUT YOU ARE MERYL STREEP

AND WE DON'T MIND THE SMELL OF BOOB SWEAT.

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA LINE UP HERE AND GET A WHIFF OF SOME BOOBS."

THEY'D DO SHOTS OF HER BOOB SWEAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THEY'RE LIKE,

"'DEVIL WEARS PRADA,' DONE!"

BY THE WAY, THIS IS A MAKE-UP OF ME AND JOHNNY DEPP

IF WE EVER HAD A SON.

THERE'S JOHNNY DEPP AND THERE'S NICK DEPP.

HOW AWFUL IS THAT?

NICK DEPP IS AWFUL.

I CANNOT PULL THAT LOOK OFF. LOOK AT THAT GUY.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP.

GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP. LOOK AT THAT GUY!

WHAT A BADASS! GO BACK TO NICK DEPP.

NO! GO AWAY.

STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER.

MACE-- WHO'S GOT MACE?

MACE NICK DEPP. GET HIM OUTTA HERE.

Man: KEEP IT GOING FOR YOUR EMCEE MR. TONY KINCAID.

ALL RIGHTY, ALL RIGHTY.

WELL, OUR HEADLINER TONIGHT IS A MAGIC HOUSE FAVORITE.

SO HELP ME WELCOME TO THE STAGE DAN PRESTO.

( cheering )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO START OFF

WITH A VERY BASIC TRICK.

- DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A $20 BILL? - I DO!

SIR, PLEASE WRITE YOUR NAME ON THAT BILL.

- THERE YOU ARE, SIR. - THANK YOU.

NOW WATCH THIS. I SAY, "DANNO PRESTO,"

- AND THAT BILL IS GONE! - OH, THAT'S A GOOD TRICK!

YEAH? IT'S SILLY.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS-- - NO! OKAY, CAN I HAVE MY MONEY BACK NOW?

RELAX, MALCOLM. IT'S JUST A MAGIC SHOW.

WELL, IT'S $20, HONEY.

AND NOW-- CARDS!

MA'AM, PLEASE TAKE A CARD OUT OF THIS DECK.

SHOW THE AUDIENCE, BUT DO NOT SHOW ME.

NOW KINDLY PLACE IT RIGHT BACK IN THE DECK.

NOW I DO WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A DAN DOUBLE-TAP.

ONE TWO, CHECK YOUR UNDERWEAR, MA'AM.

WHAT?

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO MY WIFE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- UH-- - HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. - HERE IT IS.

OH HO HO!

MAN, THIS GUY IS GOOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CARD UP IN YOUR PANTIES?

I DON'T KNOW! IT'S JUST A TRICK.

HEY, MAGIC MAN, UM-- KINDA COOL OUT A LITTLE BIT THERE.

THAT WENT A LITTLE FAR, THAT LAST TRICK, OKAY?

SIR, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS?

NO NO NO, I DON'T. I'M JUST A LITTLE MAD, OKAY?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU TOOK $20 FROM ME IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW,

AND NOW YOU'RE STUFFING CARDS UP MY WIFE'S PANTIES, THAT'S ALL.

SIR, I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE MAD. I'M SAYING WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS?

- STAND UP AND CHECK! - I COULD NOT HAVE A--

HEY, THERE'S SOMETHING UP THERE, HONEY.

- SWEETIE. - ( groans )

( laughter, cheers )

HUH.

YOU KNOW, THIS GUY IS GOOD!

EVEN THE CRAP ON THE END OF THE STICK LOOKS REAL.

IS THAT CRAP, SIR? OR IS THAT CHOCOLATE PUDDING?

YOU KNOW, I DO LIKE CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

OH! ( coughs )

THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT PUDDING.

- NOT YET IT ISN'T. - ( groans )

BUT GIVE ME THIS AND I GO, "DANNO PRESTO FERRAGAMO."

WHEW.

BAH!

( coughs ) OH MY GOSH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT TWICE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MISPLACED YOUR WATCH.

Man: NO WAY.

AND, MA'AM, FEEL FREE TO KEEP YOUR UNDERPANTS ON.

MY PANTIES DISAPPEARED.

- WHAT?! - BUT WAIT, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE INSIDE THERE.

UH-- IT WAS THE $20 BILL.

- SAME ONE! - THIS GUY IS GOOD.

THAT'S ENOUGH, HOUDINI!

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY WIFE'S PANTIES ARE

- RIGHT NOW! - YOU KNOW WHO CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION?

THAT MAN RIGHT THERE. SIR, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTIES?

( chuckles ) IT'S NO-- OH.

OH HO HO! THEY'RE THERE.

AND THEY'VE DEFINITELY BEEN WORN!

AND, MA'AM, CHECK YOUR VAGINA.

- NO. - IT WAS INSIDE ME.

- THAT'S MY CONDOM! - Husband: THAT'S ENOUGH!

YOU GIVE ME BACK MY WIFE'S PANTIES OR I'LL KILL YOU.

- ( gunshots ) - OH MY GOD, YOU SHOT HIM!

HONEY, I DIDN'T SHOOT HIM. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUN, PEOPLE.

OH, YOU DON'T? WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET POCKET?

- WHAT THE HECK? - ( gasps )

OH, THIS GUY IS GOOD.

MY GOD, HONEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM.

- LET'S GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE HE CALLS THE COPS. - TOO LATE-- PRESTO POLICE!

WHAT? YOU SET ME UP, PRESTO!

- YOU-- - AH! OH.

- I'M OKAY. - HOW ARE YOU OKAY?

- I SHOT YOU IN THE FACE. - DID YOU SHOOT ME IN THE FACE,

OR DID YOU SHOOT ME IN MY PENIS HOLE?

( gasps, laughs )

THANK YOU, EVERYONE. HAVE A MAGICAL EVENING.

SERIOUSLY, I JUST ONLY HAD JUST, LIKE, THREE BEERS.

DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL SLEEP IT OFF IN THE CELL.

YOU CAN POST BAIL IN THE MORNING.

SPOILER ALERT: HE'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

WITH YOU.

COMING SOON TO A.B.C., A SPECIAL TELEVISION EVENT.

WELCOME TO PEELER'S STRIP CLUB:

A PLACE WHERE SOPHISTICATED GENTLEMEN COME TO GET CREEPY

AND THE PRINCESS OF THE POLE IS JONBENET.

BUT HER REIGN MAY BE IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A PROBLEM

SHE CAN'T GRIND HER WAY OUT OF.

JonBenét: WHAT'S WRONG WITH PINKBERRY?

I FIRED HER 'CAUSE HER TITS ARE TOO SMALL.

Announcer: NOW ONLY ONE PERSON CAN HELP HER-- THE MAGICAL NEGRO

WHO WAS PUT HERE ON EARTH TO HELP THE BLONDE-HAIRED BLUE-EYED DEVILS.

- DON'T TELL ME THEY FIRED YOU TOO? - NO, SWEETHEART.

I'M RETIRING. BEING A BATHROOM ATTENDANT'S A YOUNG MAN'S GAME.

WELL, IN THAT CASE I'LL SNEAK YOU ONE DANCE.

THAT DANCE ISN'T FOR ME, DARLING. IT'S FOR YOU.

HUH?

Announcer: THANKS TO HIS STREETWISE NEGRO MAGIC

AND HER BULIMIA, JONBENET IS LIGHT ENOUGH

TO BECOME THE FLYING STRIPPER.

AND WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

- FUNDRAISER FOR FAKE BOOBS! - WHOO!

Announcer: LIKE ALL STRIPPERS,

SHE WAS SEXUALLY VIOLATED GROWING UP,

BUT NOW SHE VIOLATES THE LAWS OF GRAVITY.

( kids screaming )

- YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL THEY'RE FAKE. - NO, NOT AT ALL.

Announcer: JONBENET ALWAYS GIVES BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

SOMEONE CUT OFF THE CLUB'S SUPPLY OF HEROIN.

DEALING DRUGS IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THIS PLACE OPEN.

I CAN FLY DRUGS OVER THE MEXICAN BORDER ON MY FLYING POLE.

YOU CAN BRING BACK MORE DRUGS AND MORE FAKE TITS.

- ( cheering ) - YOU'RE WELCOME.

Announcer: BUT NOT IF ORVILLE, THE GLUE-SNIFFING STRIPPER,

- HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. - OH, I'LL BEAT JONBENET TO MEXICO.

- THEN I'LL TAKE OVER THE HEROIN TRADE. - ( engine starts )

- ( engine stalls ) - ( screams )

Announcer: TAKE OFF AND TAKE IT ALL OFF

WITH "THE FLYING STRIPPER."

OH, WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE MOVIES IN FOREVER.

I KNOW. I'M REALLY GLAD WE DID THIS.

- I THINK I KNOW THIS GUY. - YEAH, I KNOW, ME TOO.

HEY, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT DO I-- DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

- WE WERE JUST SAYING THE SAME THING. - OKAY, GOOD.

I WAS GONNA SAY. DO YOU BELONG TO THE GOLD'S GYM ON FRANKLIN?

NO NO, WE DON'T.

ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH THE COMMUNITY GARDEN WALK?

- WITH BRAND PARK? - NO, I'M NOT.

UM, DO YOU BUY GOLD FILLINGS OFF CRAIGSLIST?

I DON'T, NO. OH--

ONCE A MONTH I READ STORIES FOR THE CHILDREN'S STORY TIME

- AT THE BRAND LIBRARY. - OOH, BY LAW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GO THERE.

UM, YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T BELONG TO THAT GYM?

I'M ALWAYS IN THE STEAM ROOM. I SNORT VIAGRA.

I ALWAYS HAVE A BONER. I HAVE A TATTOO ON MY BALLSACK

- OF A VAGINA. - WE DON'T GO TO THAT GYM.

ARE YOU SURE? LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.

THAT'S MY --, THERE'S MY BALLS, THAT'S A VA--

( whispers ) HONEY, LET'S MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FARMER'S MARKET.

- NO. - OKAY.

- DILDO FESTIVAL. - NO.

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO COLOR ME MINE? - THE POTTERY PLACE!

- Both: YES! - I'VE GAY-BASHED THERE IN THE PARKING LOT.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN? - NO.

DID YOU SELL ME AN ICE CREAM TRUCK

WHERE THE DOORS LOCKED ON THE INSIDE?

Both: HMM-MM.

- ST. MARY'S CHURCH? - THE GAY BAR?

- THE CHURCH. - ST. MARY'S CHURCH?

OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID ST. GARY'S PERCH.

- I DON'T-- WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? - THIS IS CRAZY,

BUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND MY WIFE LOOK SO ALIKE.

- OH! - IS IT-- MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

THE 69 SHOW-- THE GIRAFFE SHOW WHERE SHE WORKS.

IT'S A MAGIC SHOW. THEY STUFF KITTENS IN --.

- ALL RIGHT. - OH, I-- NO.

WHERE DO YOU SUCKER PUNCH BLIND PEOPLE?

- I'VE NEVER DONE THAT. - DEAF PEOPLE?

OKAY, I THOUGHT WE KNEW YOU, BUT WE DON'T.

NO, WE DO. I KNOW THAT FACE, MAN.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO WATCH THE MOVIE IF WE DON'T GET THIS.

- I'M NOT GOING TO EITHER. - WHERE DO YOU BUY AIDS?

- EGGS? - AIDS.

- NOWHERE! - WE DON'T BUY--

- WHERE DO YOU BUY AIDS EGGS? - SOME WOMEN HAVE AIDS

- SO THEY ALSO HAVE AIDS EGGS. - I KNOW SOME WOMEN HAVE AIDS.

- ( whistles ) - HI.

- OH MY GOD. - OH MY GOD, WE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT?

- IT'S DRIVING YOU CRAZY. OH MY GOSH. - Man: YEAH.

IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY, DEFINITELY.

DID YOU USED TO WORK AT A THINK TANK AT AMERICAN GREETINGS?

NO, I DID INTERN

AT A STINK TANK AT AMERICAN FECES.

I GOT IT, I GOT IT! DONNY-- HE LIVES IN LOS FELIZ--

- HE MAKES PUBIC-HAIR SNOWMEN... - NO.

...AND HE HAS A CANNON THAT SHOOTS SEMEN.

- SHOOTS IT HARD INTO YOUR FACE. - DO YOU TAKE COOKING CLASSES?

I THINK I TOOK A MOROCCAN COOKING CLASS WITH YOU AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER.

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

- WE SHOULD CHECK ON THE CAR. - DO YOU DO YOGA?

I DON'T! DO YOU -- GUYS FOR GASOLINE?

- NO! - IT'S EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS.

- NO NO, BACK WHEN IT WAS A DOLLAR. - NO, WE DON'T DO THAT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHERE DO YOU BUY PORTA-POTTIES AFTER A MUSIC FESTIVAL

WHEN THEY'RE FULL, DUMP THEM ON PREGNANT WOMEN

AND THEN LAUGH WHILE YOU JERK OFF?

WE DON'T GO TO MUSIC FESTIVALS.

- YOU DON'T? ALL RIGHT. - NO, WE DON'T.

- DO YOU COLLECT RARE EGYPTIAN COINS? - HER DAD DOES.

MY DAD HAS COLLECTED THEM HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

NO! WHAT'S YOUR DAD'S NAME?

- DAVID BROWNMAN. - BROWNMAN.

- WHAT?! THAT'S IT! - ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- DAVID-- YOU'RE BIG DAVE'S DAUGHTER. - YOU'RE KIDDING ME?

- I AM, YES. - UH, HI-- NICK.

HIS CAREGIVER AND HIS BATHER

AT GOLDEN BROOK RETIREMENT HOME.

I'M IN CHARGE OF YOUR DAD'S DAY-TO-DAY NEEDS.

MY DAD HAS HAD

ALL OF HIS EGYPTIAN COINS STOLEN

- BY A CAREGIVER. - WHAT?!

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

WE'LL FIND THE CULPRIT.

SHH! OH, THE MOVIE'S GONNA START.

( music playing )

- LET'S GO TO THE BATHROOM. - OKAY.

- Man: THE MOVIE'S STARTING. - Woman: GET YOUR PHONE OUT!

YOU WANT ME TO GO TRY AND TALK TO THEM A LITTLE?

YEAH RIGHT.

- ( music playing ) - ( cheering )

WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. BEAUTIFUL CROWD.

YOU GUYS ARE GORGEOUS. I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.

I LOOK HOMELESS. YOU GUYS LOOK GORGEOUS.

I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THE OLIVE GARDEN.

AND IT SAID "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY" IS THEIR MOTTO.

SO EVERY TIME I EAT THERE, I ALWAYS ACCUSE THE WAITER OF MOLESTING ME.

SO HERE'S A COUPLE MORE PRODUCTS FROM THE SHOW.

THESE ARE COMMERCIALS THAT DID NOT MAKE IT

TO AIR. THE FIRST ONE...

THE THROILET. IT'S A THROILET.

- IT'S A THRONE TOILET. - YEAH YEAH!

AND THIS MIGHT BE IN STORES SOMEDAY.

AND OUR MOTTO IS-- THIS IS THE MOTTO--

"BE THE KING OF YOUR STINK."

THIS GUY LEFT -- FOR SURE.

I CAN TELL. BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SO COCKY ABOUT YOUR --.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "I NEED MORE TIME!"

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING EVER. SO DUMB.

YOU GUYS, I'LL EMAIL YOU THAT PHOTO.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS ANOTHER PRODUCT THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

THE-- THE ELECTRIC TOILET.

JUST IN CASE-- 'CAUSE IF YOU GET ELECTROCUTED,

YOU'RE GONNA -- YOURSELF, SO THIS IS TO SPARE YOU THAT EMBARRASSMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ELECTROCUTE PEOPLE ANYMORE.

IT'S IF YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE AND YOU GO BACK. WHATEVER.

THIS NEXT ONE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

TALKING ABOUT TOO LAZY TO RUN CHARITY,

THIS IS SHOES THAT ARE 26 MILES LONG.

SO YOU JUST TAKE ONE STEP, YOU JUST RAN A MARATHON.

ONE STEP-- BOOM!

DONE. 26-MILE SHOES.

ALL RIGHT, ENJOY THIS NEXT SKETCH.

It's gorgeous.

* WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND YOU ARE STILL A LITTLE SLEEPY *

* POUR YOURSELF SOME CREEPIOS *

* AND START YOUR MORNING CREEPY. *

- HEY KIDS! - ( laughter )

CREEPIOS!

WOW, MR. CREEPY.

HE'S THE BEST.

GOOD MORNING, BILLY. HOW ARE YOUR DREAMS?

Announcer: AND DON'T FORGET THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

THIS THANKSGIVING, FILL YOUR TURKEY WITH PILGRIM RANDY STUFFING.

- WHAT? - NOBODY STUFFS A TURKEY LIKE RANDY.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

- CREEPIOS MAKES A BETTER STUFFING! - ( kids laugh )

CREEPIO, CEREAL IS FOR BREAKFAST, NOT THANKSGIVING DINNER.

- YEAH. - SILLY!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

YEAH, CREEPIO, LET THIS FAMILY GIVE THANKS THE RIGHT WAY.

CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST IS STUPID. LET'S CUT THE TURKEY.

HOW ABOUT I CUT YOU?

GIVE THANKS TO YOUR SEVERED HEAD. ( giggles )

CREEPIO, STOP IT! YOU'RE BEING INAPPROPRIATE.

I JUST WANT TO BE ENJOYED TOO.

MAYBE I COULD BE GRAVY.

WHAT A STUPID CEREAL FREAK!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

HOWDY, PILGRIM!

( laughter )

DAMN IT, CREEPIO! GO AWAY!

DAD?

HUH, I JUST WANTED TO GIVE THANKS TOO.

I'M TIRED OF CREEPIO BULLYING EVERYONE,

TRYING TO BE IN EVERY MEAL.

IT'S THE LAND-OF-THE-LAKES-BUTTER INDIAN.

( whimpers )

BUT THE CREEPIOS IS THE -- BEST!

- ( grunts ) - ( giggles )

- ( groans ) - ( sobs )

- ( laughing ) - ( girl screams )

I JUST SCALPED A PILGRIM!

IT'S ME, PETEY PUMPKIN FOR DESSERT!

OH --! CREEPIO!

- ( screams ) - ( Creepio laughs )

FINE FINE! WE'LL HAVE CREEPIOS FOR THANKSGIVING.

JUST STOP KILLING FOOD CHARACTERS, ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU! ( giggles )

GIVE THANKS! ( giggles )

ISN'T THIS GREAT? HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AMERICA!

YOU'RE THE BEST! YOU NEED SOME MORE GRAVY, DAD.

Announcer: EAT CREEPIOS-- NOW FOR THANKSGIVING.

ACTUALLY, EVERY HOLIDAY.

* POUR YOURSELF SOME CREEPIOS *

* AND START YOUR MORNING CREEPY. *

Hello, I'm Linda Martin. We have breaking news

about a missing woman in Taylor County.

We go live to our reporter in the field, Chip Paneling.

- Chip. - Thank you, Linda.

I am here off route 16 in Gilmore Crossing

where a massive search is underway for Doreen Blake,

a woman who disappeared last night after fleeing the pickup truck

of her estranged husband Billy Blake.

The couple were last seen fighting at a local bar.

We're about a mile or so here from the search area,

- but I-- - ( shovel digging )

Um, okay, it looks like we've got somebody

searching.

Uh, excuse me, sir! Are you part of the search party?

Sir!

How are you doing, sir?

Are you part of the search party for Doreen Blake?

- Yeah. - Chip, that looks quite suspicious.

Don't you think you should notify the police?

Uh, no, Linda, I don't.

Because the police are out searching for a missing woman.

Anyway, thanks for helping.

Chip, I believe that man is in fact the estranged husband

- of Doreen Blake. - Oh! I believe you're right.

Mr. Blake, Mr. Billy Blake, right?

Yeah.

Well, I just want to say that everyone here at Channel 12 News,

we're very sorry for you.

And you are in our prayers.

- Thank you. - So, Linda, it appears

that Billy Blake here has expanded the search

and is out here, I guess, obviously

digging around in hopes of locating

his beloved ex-wife. Am I right about that?

Uh, uh-- yeah.

Chip, aren't you concerned about the bag on the ground in the shape of a female body?

Uh yeah. What's in the bag, Billy?

It's, um, uh--

uh, my-- it's a cat.

My-- it's my-- it's a lot of cats,

uh, got rabies and I gotta bury them.

Chip: And I take it that's what scratched your face up.

Mmm, that's why my face is scratched, right.

- Mm-hmm. - Chip!

- Whew, ouch. - Call the police, Chip.

That man is murdering Doreen Blake.

Um, okay, Linda, we're all murdering Doreen Blake

- if we don't find her soon. - Chip, Chip!

- That man-- you are not safe. - I don't know what your point is.

- Can we-- - Oh, God, Mr. Blake.

I can't imagine what you're going through with the loss of the wife,

the loss of the cats, cat attack.

- Can someone call the police?! - ( screaming )

I mean this is just-- oh my god! It's a rabid--

- Linda, cats are standing on each other's shoulders... - Doreen!

- ...like some rabid cat totem pole. - ( siren blaring )

- Oh my god, they are running amok. - Doreen!

Oh my god, officer, shoot the rabid cat totem pole!

- ( gunshots ) - Oh my god.

It's a cat in a totem pole.

- ( gunshots ) - It's gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.

Rabid cat totem pole.

Thanks, Chip.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Coming up next a San Bernardino woman gives birth to a constellation

named Justin. We'll be right back.

THANKS FOR TUNING IN TO ANOTHER SHOW.

- ( music playing ) - IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

I HOPED YOU LAUGHED. IF YOU DIDN'T,

THEN YOU'RE A GAY ROBOT.

WE'VE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT. I THINK I'VE GOT IT.

THERE'S A VIRAL VIDEO-- A GUY MAKES ELDERLY PEOPLE

DO NAKED PYRAMIDS AND THEN PUNCHES THEM DOWN.

- NO. - THAT WOULDN'T EXPLAIN WHY I KNOW YOU...

- Man: NOT AT ALL. - ...BUT THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW ME.