All language subtitles for Nick Swardsons Pretend Time s02e02_English

( theme music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E! *

UM, OKAY, I WANT TO SHARE
WITH YOU A VERY PERSONAL STORY.

ALL RIGHT?

AND IT'S ABOUT
CRAPPING MYSELF.

NOW I KNOW, YOU KNOW,
EVERYONE'S THINKING LIKE,

"OH YEAH, -- YOUR PANTS
STORY, SWARDSON, OKAY.

OF COURSE HE'S GONNA
TELL SOME GROSS STORY."

BUT IT'S DIFFERENT, OKAY?

'CAUSE HOW MANY TIMES HAVE
YOU CRAPPED YOURSELF

AND IT'S AFFECTED THE OUTCOME
OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

NOT MANY TIMES, OKAY?

ME AND ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
WENT TO THE GYM

AND THEN WE WENT HOME
TO HIS PLACE TO GET READY

TO GO CLUBBING
AND -- SOME -- UP.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF
THE LOFT RIGHT HERE.

WE COME HOME TO THE LOFT,

HIS ROOMMATE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND
ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THEY'RE SITTING
THERE CHILLING.

WE COME IN, MY BUDDY GOES
RIGHT INTO THE BATHROOM.

HE'S GONNA SHOWER, OKAY?
SO I'M JUST KICKING IT

IN THE KITCHEN,
LITTLE ON-DECK CIRCLE,

WAITING TO GO INTO
THE SHOWER NEXT.

ALL OF A SUDDEN
I GET THAT, LIKE...

( gurgling )

IT'S LIKE, OKAY.
SO I CASUALLY WALK OVER
TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M LIKE, "YO,
CAN I USE THE BATHROOM
REAL QUICK?"

HE'S LIKE,
"I'M IN THE SHOWER, MAN.
JUST CHILL OUT."

NOW I GET A LITTLE
BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, DUDE.
I'VE REALLY GOT TO TAKE A PEE."

LIE.
"JUST LET ME IN.
COME ON, DUDE."

HE'S LIKE,
"I'M IN THE SHOWER.
ARE YOU PSYCHO?"

I'M LIKE, "NO."
SO I GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN.

NOW THE THIRD WAVE HITS.

AND THIS ONE IS
A -- POONAMI.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THIS IS--

THE VILLAGE IS NOT
GONNA SURVIVE THIS ONE.

IT'S COMING IN
BIG AND FAST.

I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT AN
ALTERNATIVE RIGHT NOW."

SO I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA
GO TO THE TRASH BASKET"

I TAKE ONE STEP--
NOPE, TOO LATE.

AND BY THE WAY,
I'M WEARING BOXER SHORTS.

SO IT'S--
EVERYTHING IS OUT.

THE WHOLE BUILDING EVICTED.

EVERYBODY.
DON'T GRAB ANY CLOTHES.

LEAVE THE LAMP.
YOU'RE OUT ON THE STREETS.

SO I'M HORRIFIED,
OBVIOUSLY.

AND IT IT'S LIKE
IT HAPPENED--

I CAN'T EVEN HEAR
I'M SO HORRIFIED.

IT'S LIKE... OOOH!

LIKE, HOW DO I DEAL
WITH THE SITUATION?

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY,
I'VE GOT TO CLEAN THIS UP.

--!"

- THE TWO DOGS--
- ( audience groans )

--YEAH, LIKE SMELL IT
AND RUN OVER BARKING.

SO NOW THEY'RE BARKING
OVER AND LIKE RUNNING
THROUGH IT.

HORRIFIED! SO THEN
MY BUDDY'S GIRLFRIEND GOES,

"HEY, MUFFIN."
OR WHATEVER THE DOG'S NAME IS.

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?"
STARTS WALKING OVER.

AND SHE GOES,
"OH NO."

AND I WAS LIKE...

AND SHE GOES,
"BAD DOG."

SO JUST THEN
THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS.

I'M LIKE, "PEACE."

I GO INTO THE BATHROOM
AND I WALK OUT OF THE BATHROOM

A COUPLE MINUTES LATER
AND THE WHOLE PLACE IS
DEAD QUIET.

NOBODY'S THERE.
JUST MY BUDDY.

AND I GO,
"WHAT'S UP, MAN?"

HE'S LIKE,
"DUDE, CRAZY."

AND I GO, "WHAT?"

AND HE GOES,

"MY ROOMMATE'S GIRLFRIEND'S DOG
JUST -- ALL OVER THE FLOOR."

AND I'M LIKE, "NO WAY."

AND HE GOES,
"YEAH."

AND HE GOES, "THEY JUST
GOT INTO A HUGE FIGHT
AND BROKE UP OVER IT."

( audience ooohs )

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?!"

HE GOES, "YEAH,
MY ROOMMATE SAID

HE DOESN'T WANT
THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE
'CAUSE THEY'VE -- BEFORE.

AND IF THEY -- AGAIN, HE WANTS
THOSE -- DOGS OUT OF HERE.

AND SHE STARTED CRYING."

AND IN MY HEAD
I'M LIKE, "SWEET!"

I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY KNEW
I -- MYSELF.

SO I'M JUST STANDING THERE.
AND THEN HE TAKES A BEAT

AND HE GOES,
"DID YOU -- ON THE FLOOR?"

AND I'M LIKE,
"WHAT?"

I'M LIKE, "NO."
AND HE GOES,

"IT'S JUST WEIRD 'CAUSE IT
DIDN'T LOOK LIKE DOG --.

IT WAS SO BIZARRE."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, DOGS ARE CRAZY."

AND THEN HE GOES INTO
THE BATHROOM. HE'S LIKE,
"I'VE GOT TO TAKE A LEAK.

AND HE WALKS OUT OF
THE BATHROOM AND HE GOES,

"DID YOU --
ON THE FLOOR?"

AND I GO, "NO. WHAT?"

AND HE GOES, "THERE'S A TRASH
BASKET FILLED WITH --

THAT HAD BEEN
WIPED OFF SOMETHING."

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,
I WILL FOREVER THANK MY BRAIN

FOR THIS SPLIT SECOND.

AND I DON'T EVEN--
LIKE AUTOPILOT I JUST GO,

"NO, I STEPPED IN IT
BEFORE I WENT IN THE SHOWER."

AND HE TOOK A BEAT
AND HE JUST GOES, "OH, OKAY."

AND I WAS LIKE--
I GOT AWAY WITH IT
TO THIS DAY.

SO HOPEFULLY
HE NEVER SEES THIS SHOW.

Man:
CLARENCE.

WE GOT 22-YEAR-OLD
BANEEQUWA.

( applause )

AND LITTLE
14-MONTH-OLD DEANDRE.

Audience:
AW!

WHAT A CUTE LITTLE KID.

NOW, BANEEQUWA, DO YOU
KNOW WHO DEANDRE'S FATHER IS?

YEAH.

HE SAID THAT
HE "LOVEDED" ME.

HE SAID THAT HE WAS
GONNA TAKE CARE OF ME.

BUT SOON AS I GOT
PREGNANT WHAT HE DO?

- HE DISAPPEARED.
- Audience: BOO!

HE IS A LYING PIECE
OF -- PLAYA.

HARSH WORDS.
HE SAID HE "LOVEDED" YOU
AND LEFT.

PLEASE WELCOME
ZARGON SQUIZLOZWEEZELZWEEBS.

( booing )

HUH-UH-UH.
IT AIN'T EVEN LIKE THAT.

ALIEN BASTARD.

THAT IS YOUR BABY.
THAT IS YOUR BABY.

NO IT AIN'T, BITCH.

OOOH!

SO YOU'RE SAYING
THAT IS NOT YOUR CHILD?

NO WAY.
I WOULD NOT

SHOVE A LOAD
OF SPACE NUT IN BANEEQUWA.

SHE'S DONE HALF
THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

THAT COULD BE SQUEEZO'S
KID OR GLEEZOID'S.

- WOW.
- GHETTO-ASS EARTH HO.

OOH!

YOU AND ALL
THOSE SPACE --.

OOH!

ALL EARTH WOMEN
ARE HOS.

( clamoring )

I LOVED YOU
IN "THE HELP."

EASY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO
TO THE CROWD AND GET
SOME REACTIONS HERE.

SIRE, WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS?

YO, I KNOW HOW WOMEN BE.
THAT'S WHY I SIDE WITH THIS
GREEN -- RIGHT HERE.

GO GREEN FOR LIFE.
YO, SQUIZLOZWEEZELZWEEBS'S
MY BOY.

- OKAY, MA'AM.
- ZARGON, YOU GOT TO
TAKE YOUR MOON MONEY

- AND SUPPORT YOUR BABY.
- ( cheering )

MM-HMM.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
VERY GOOD POINT.

YO, TAKE A HOMIE
TO SPACE, --.

I TAKE CARE OF MINES.
BUT THAT IS NOT MINES.

THAT KID DOESN'T
EVEN LOOK LIKE ME.

- ARE THOSE MY EARS?
- MM-HMM.

ARE THOSE MY ANTENNAE?

THAT'S YOUR BABY RIGHT THERE.
YOU THE FATHER.

YOU KNOW,
AND I LOVEDED YOU.

OH, I LOVEDED YOU.

DRINK FROM MY
SPACE --, SKEEZER.

OOOH!

I'M GONNA KNOCK THE GREEN OFF
OF YOU ONE MORE TIME HERE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO
THE PATERNITY TEST

AND FIND OUT
WHO THE FATHER IS?

( cheering )

IS IT ZARGON?
IS IT QUAZOID?

IS IT SQUEEZOID?
IT IS SQUAZAPS?

OR IS IT SQUIZLOSWEEPS?

OKAY OKAY,
JUST GET TO IT.

HERE WE GO.
ZARGON,

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

( clamoring )

THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT!

TASTE MY -- LASER.

- ( screaming )
- TAKE THAT!

OH, GENITAL LASERS.

TAKE THAT.

LOOK OUT FOR
THE GENITAL LASERS.

SEE, CLARENCE?
THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME.

THAT'S WHAT HE DID.
HE LAYS IT ALL UP IN MY VAGEE.

I'M SORRY, BANEEQUWA.

SO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

WE'VE GOT
AN ALIEN WITH 17 --.

THREE OF THEM ARE GAY.
DOES THAT MAKE HIM GAY?

TUNE IN.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.

OKAY, MR. BRUNER.
THE DOCTOR WILL BE IN

WITH YOUR TEST RESULTS
SHORTLY, OKAY?

AND, UH, SPOILER ALERT--
YOU'VE GOT AIDS.

IF YOU'RE READY FOR
THE FUTURE OF CLEAN UP,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR REED O'FRAMPTON.

YES!

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I'VE CLEANED UP
A LOT OF SPILLS.

- ( laughing )
- WE ALL HAVE, RIGHT?

HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU HEARD THIS?
"GARY DROPPED GRAPE JUICE

ON THE STEREO AGAIN."

RIGHT? GARY.

ANYWAY, THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE
RIGHT NOW, COME ON.

( applause )

AND YOU KNOW WHY
THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE?

I DON'T KNOW.
OUT LITTLE FRIEND
BEEP BEEP SWEEP.

( cheering )

- COME ON, BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

- BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

ALL RIGHT.
PEOPLE ASK ME EVERY DAY,

LITERALLY EVERY DAY,
"REED,

WHAT CAN THE BEEP BEEP
SWEEP REALLY PICK UP?"

THIS IS FOR YOU,
RANDOM GUY.

HOPE YOU'RE TUNING IN.

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
OUR OLD FRIEND SODA.

YEAH, WE KNOW
HIM WELL, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WALKING ALONG--
OOPSY.

YOU TRIP OVER THE TURTLE
OR SOMETHING.

WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I SAY TO THAT?
BEEP BEEP.

- SWEEP.
- THAT'S GONE.

IT'S GONE.
ALL RIGHT, HOUDINI?

( laughs )

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

OH NO, SOMEONE MADE A PEE-PEE
ON THE FLOOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY
TO YOU, PEE-PEE?

- I SAW BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

LOOK AT THAT.
WHERE'D THE PEE-PEE GO?

NOW WE ALL
KNOW THIS ONE.

MONDAY MORNING YOU WAKE UP
AND GO TO THE KITCHEN

AND THERE'S GAY BLOOD.

OH NO.
AND THEN YOU GO BEEP BEEP.

- SWEEP.
- LOOK AT THAT.

- GONE.
- YES.

NOW I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

CAN BEEP BEEP HANDLE GAY BLOOD
AND URINE AT THE SAME TIME?

LET'S TALK TO THESE DANCE
PARTNERS RIGHT HERE.

HERE WE GO, DANCING GAY BLOOD
AND PEE-PEE TOGETHER.

BUT NOT ONLY THAT.
LET'S THROW IN

SOME FOOD POISONING
DIARRHEA FROM OYSTERS.

EEW!

- AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP?
BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

- BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

COME ON, GUYS.
WOO-HOO!

THERE'S SODA POP,
THE PEE-PEE, THE GAY BLOOD.

ALL RIGHT, WE'VE SEEN IT.
WE'VE SEEN IT. WE'VE SEEN IT.

LET'S CREATE A SCENARIO.
YOU'RE HAVING A LITTLE
PICNIC, RIGHT?

YOU GOT YOUR SODA.
EVERYONE'S DRINKING SODA.

THEN WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY GOT TO PEE.

THEN WHAT DO THEY DO?
SOME GUY SHOWS UP.

YOU PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE
WITH A BRICK.

AND THEN YOU --
ON HIS CHEST.

( cheering )

AND WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY DO?
THEY JERK OFF ON IT.

( cheering )

BEEP BEEP SWEEP!

YEAH!

BEEP BEEP SWEEP!
BEEP BEEP SWEEP!

YES!

- BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

( cheering )

MORE DIRTY ITEMS!
YEAH!

BEEP BEEP SWEEP.
BEEP BEEP SWEEP.

( laughs )

( sobbing )

I NEED HELP.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS CHEERING ON
THE BLOOD AND THE SEMEN?

ALL THESE FLUIDS ARE REAL.
THEY'RE FROM MY OWN BODY.

I JERKED OFF
FOR A YEAR IN THIS.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS CHEERING

AND NOT FINDING
A DOCTOR FOR ME?

- BEEP BEEP.
- SWEEP.

- BEEP BEEP!
- SWEEP!

I'M BACK.
BEEP BEEP.

YEAH, BEEP BEEP SWEEP.

Announcer:
For just $21 a month,

you can buy diet pills
for an overweight American.

If you've lived
through a famine

then you understand the pain
a fat person feels

when they show up at a Wendy's
and the drive-thru is closed.

For the price of a cow

or eight months
of feeding your family,

you can make a difference.

For just $34

you can build a schoolhouse
for your village

or a reinforced toilet seat
for a fat American family.

Together we can end the cycle
of shame and hardship

suffered by millions
of Americans

surrounded by just too
much delicious food.

For the price of feeding your
whole village for a year,

you can buy a Rascal
that can transport

a fat American from his car
to the grocery store.

For 40¢ a day

I send one bag
of carrots a week

to a fat man in Wisconsin.

It feels good to know
I am making a difference.

"Dear Khala,

It is Rory.

I went to
the state fair today

and had fried cupcakes.

But ate your carrots
for dessert."

Announcer:
Please call 1-800-555-0199.
There is no obligation.

For the price of schoolbooks
and malaria medicine,

you can help make Americans
slightly less fat.

Together we can make
a difference.

( rattles )

I DON'T WEAR COLOGNE.
ALL RIGHT? I DON'T.

THE BALCONY.

I WOULD THOUGH,
IF CINNABON MADE A COLOGNE.

YEAH, RIGHT?

WHY HAVE THEY
NOT DONE THAT YET?

IT'S THE BEST SMELL EVER.

YOU EVER JUST WALK THROUGH
AN AIRPORT AND YOU'RE LIKE...

( inhales )
OH, I WANT TO -- THAT.

( inhales )
OH MY GOD.

I MEAN I BONE CINNABONS
JUST AS THEMSELVES.

JUST THE BUN ITSELF.
I'LL -- GO OFF.

IMAGINE IF--

I LIKE TO DRINK.
IT'S NOT A SECRET.

I LIKE DAY DRINKING.
IT'S FUN.

I LIKE JUST ONE DAY--

JUST TAKE LIKE A TUESDAY OFF
AND JUST GET HAMMERED.

BUT LIKE AT NOON--

LIKE JUST GET BLACKED OUT
AT LIKE NOON ON A TUESDAY.

BUT THEN JUST
GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST GET BLACKED OUT
AND LIKE GO TO THE BANK.

AND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
IS IN LIKE WORK MODE

AND YOU'RE JUST STANDING
IN LINE LIKE...

BUT IN YOUR HEAD
YOU'RE LIKE,

"NOBODY KNOWS
I'M HAMMERED."

SUCH A COOL FEELING.

I LOVE IT.

THE WORD WHISKEY IN GAELIC,

THAT LANGUAGE,

IT MEANS WATER OF LIFE.

IT'S TRUE, BEARDO.

AND I THINK THAT'S REALLY NICE
BECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER

WHEN YOU TELL A GIRL,
"I'M SORRY, I HAVE WATER
OF LIFE --."

- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?
OH, LOOK AT THE BABY.

- IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
CONGRATS.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- HEY, I GOT YOU GUYS A GIFT.
- COME ON.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
I GOT YOU GUYS A COUPON BOOK.

OH, FOR LIKE DIAPERS
AND STUFF?

NO, I MADE ALL THE COUPONS
MYSELF FOR YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE PARENTS,
YOU GOT A NEW BABY.

IT'S JUST STUFF TO HELP YOU
AROUND THE HOUSE.

THIS IS FOR A FREE
BABYSITTER.

- YEAH, YOU'RE
GONNA NEED THAT ONE
- OH.

OH, THIS IS FOR ONE FREE
IN-HOUSE CIRCUMCISION.

YEAH, FORGET THAT ONE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WRIGLEY WAS
A GIRL UNTIL I SHOWED UP.

CIRCUMCISION ISN'T
SPELLED CORRECTLY.

JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T SPELL IT
DON'T MEAN I CAN'T DO IT.

THIS IS A FREE DIAPER-
CHANGING DEMONSTRATION.
THAT'S GOOD.

NEXT TIME WE'RE
CHANGING WRIGLEY WE'LL--

OH NO NO NO, IT'S NOT
FOR CHANGING WRIGLEY.
I'M THE BABY

AND I GIVE YOU POINTERS
WHILE YOU CHANGE ME WHOEVER
WANTS TO CHANGE ME.

- WE DON'T WANT THAT.
- THIS IS A NICE ONE.

FREE LULLABY.
THAT'S NICE.
SUPER SWEET.

I SING THE CLASSICS.
I SING NEW ONES.

I MAKE UP ONES.
I MEAN, IT'S FUN.

- WILL YOU MAKE
ONE UP RIGHT NOW?
- OF COURSE, YEAH YEAH.

* THE BABY SLEEPS,
DREAMING OF -- *

* DREAMING OF --

- * AND BABY BOUGHT
BLACK -- CITY... *
- THANK YOU.

- * IN BLACK -- CITY
YOU'RE THE MAYOR. *
- THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.
- OKAY.

- YOU HAVE A PRETTY VOICE.
- THANKS.

THANKS FOR SINGING THAT.
WHAT IS THIS?

"10 FREE BACK RUBS"?

THAT SAYS 10 FREE
NAKED BACK RUBS.

THAT'S JUST FOR YOUR WIFE.
AND SHE'S CLOTHED, I'M NAKED
SO IT'S NOT WEIRD.

OKAY, THIS SAYS 10 FREE
FRONT RUBS.

AND THAT'S FOR
EITHER OF YOU.

TAKE ME UP ON THAT.

WHAT IS THIS?
ONE FREE FART COMA?

YEAH, A FART COMA.

I GET MY BUDDIES OVER,
WE DO ABOUT 20 JAEGER
BOMBS APIECE.

A LOT OF GUAC IS INVOLVED.

WE BACK UP INTO IT
AND WE JUST HIT THE BABY

WITH FARTS UNTIL
IT CAN'T SEE OR HEAR.

WE DON'T WANT A FART COMA
FOR OUR CHILD.

- BABY SLUMBER PARTY?
- WE HAVE A LITTLE SLUMBER
PARTY FOR THE BABY.

THAT'S PRETTY SWEET,
ACTUALLY.

YEAH, ALL IN ONE
SLEEPING BAG.

AND THEN WE THROW IN
A WOLVERINE, WE GIVE IT
ANGEL DUST

AND WE PUT IT IN
THE SLEEPING BAG TOO.

AND THEN IT'S LIKE,
WHICH BABY'S GONNA LIVE?
AND THEN...

INAPPROPRIATE.

THIS IS BABY SCARECROW.
SO IF SHE HAS A TEACHER

WHEN SHE'S IN SCHOOL
AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE HER,

I WILL TAKE HER AND WE'LL
GUT THE TEACHER OUT

AND WE'LL STUFF
THE TEACHER FULL OF HAY

AND THEN PUT HER LIKE A
SCARECROW IN THE PARKING LOT

SO ALL THE OTHER TEACHERS
SEE IT AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"OKAY, WE'RE NOT GONNA
MESS WITH WRIGLEY EVER."

"IF YOUR BABY IS KIDNAPPED
BY A RELIGIOUS CULT

AND THE COPS WON'T DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT

I WILL GET
YOUR BABY BACK

AND KILL THE CULT LEADER
FREE OF CHARGE."

- HOPEFULLY YOU'LL NEVER
HAVE TO USE THAT ONE.
- YEAH.

- I HOPE SO.
- IT'S A BABY.

- ( laughing )
- DON'T TOUCH IT.

- -- SUCK YOUR MOM'S --.
- SHH. SHE'S SLEEPING.

- ( baby crying )
- NURSE.

NICK.
NICK, I NEED YOUR HELP.

MY BABY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED
BY A RELIGIOUS CULT.

OH MY GOD.
WHAT DID THE POLICE SAY?

THE COPS WON'T DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY, OKAY?

WE'LL GET YOUR BABY BACK.
I'LL KILL THE CULT LEADER.

- JUST LET ME GET MY SHOTGUN.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR DOING THIS.

DO YOU HAVE THE COUPON?

NO.
I DON'T HAVE IT ON ME.

I'M GONNA NEED THAT
BEFORE I DO ANYTHING.

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER
WHERE I PUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY.

I'LL JUST TAKE 35 GRAND
IN CASH, $100 BILLS.

OKAY, CAN YOU JUST
PLEASE SAVE MY BABY

AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE COUPON
LATER, ALL RIGHT? OKAY?

I WISH I COULD.
I JUST--

I NEED IT PRESENTED
AT THE TIME OF PURCHASE.

I'LL GO HOME AND GET IT.

GREAT.
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
GET YOUR BABY.

WE'LL GET IT.
GET THE COUPON.

Announcer:
THIS FALL ON CBS...

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL
WHERE THE MAN TOUCHED YOU.

Announcer:
DARREN JEREMY WAS THE BEST SEX
CRIME LAWYER IN THE BUSINESS.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL
WHERE YOU'RE GONNA TOUCH ME.

IS THAT WHAT YOU USE
WITH THE KIDS?

- YEAH.
- OH GOD.

Announcer:
BUT THEN ONE DAY
HE WAS FIRED

AND FINALLY FOUND
HIS TRUE CALLING.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL.

MR. JEREMY,
THIS IS A CORPORATE CASE.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHICH HAND
YOU SIGNED THE DOCUMENTS WITH.

THE LEFT ONE.

Announcer:
"DARREN JEREMY DOLL LAWYER."

HE TOOK THE MONEY
WITH HIS HANDS,

PUT IT BACK IN HIS WALLET.

IT'S RIGHT ON THE FACE
ON THE DOLL.

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY

DID YOU SEE THE MAN
SHRED THE DOCUMENTS WITH?

MY EYES.

ON THE DOLL!

THANK YOU.

- CAN YOU DO THAT?
- I DON'T DO THAT.

- YOU DO THAT?
- THAT'S ALL YOU.

NO, THIS IS YOUR HEAD
AND THAT'S...

DOWNTOWN.

Announcer:
HE'S NEVER LOST A CASE, BUT
HAS HE FINALLY MET HIS MATCH?

SHOW ME ON THE BEAR.

SHOW ME ON THE BEAR
WHERE EXACTLY...

OBJECTION!

YOUR HONOR,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

OH COME ON,
JUST BECAUSE THIS
IS A LOT MORE ADORABLE

THAN THAT
FACELESS MONSTER.

SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE
THE BEAR TOUCHED YOU.

Announcer:
TUNE IN TO "DOLL LAWYER"

TUESDAYS AT 10:00.

WILL YOU DO THAT?

YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD
ON YOUR OWN.

- SHOULD WE GET ANOTHER DOLL?
- DO YOU HAVE A DARKER ONE?

- YOU MEAN A BLACK DOLL?
- I LIKE A LOT OF DOLLS.

THANK YOU FOR
WATCHING THE SHOW.

YOU'RE AWESOME.
THANK YOU.

( theme music playing )