Original subtitles

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

Announcer: ON THE SEASON FINALE OF THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST SHOW,

"TOP METH," IT'S DOWN TO OUR FINAL THREE COOKS.

AND LET'S SAY THE LAB IS GETTING HOT.

MAN, I AIN'T NO DAMN HARRY POTTER.

THIS SOME WHITE PEOPLE BULL.

HEY, MAN, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON "TOP CRACK" THEN?

BECAUSE I'M GONNA WIN THIS SHOW RIGHT HERE.

"TOP CRACK"? I GOT YOUR TOP CRACK RIGHT HERE.

- BOOM, BOY. - OH, -- YOU, OBAMA.

I'MA HURT THIS WHITE BOY. SOMEBODY BRING ME BACK MY GUN.

Announcer: CASSIE REMAINS COMPLETELY STRUNG OUT.

WE'RE OUT OF INGREDIENTS, SO I HAD TO -- THAT GUY

TO GET THE BATTERIES FROM HIS WALKMAN.

THESE AAs ARE REALLY GONNA SPICE UP MY BATCH. ( shudders )

Announcer: AS THE COOKS ARE PUSHED TO THEIR LIMITS, PANIC SETS IN.

Wayne's voice: I GUESS THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS CILANTRO,

WHICH IS SOME LEAFY-ASS --.

SMELLS LIKE GODDAMN AIDS, BUT HOPEFULLY IT'LL BRING OUT

THE PAINT THINNER REAL GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I SUCKED MY OWN -- ON EASTER.

Announcer: THE RECIPE BETTER BE STRONG

BECAUSE THESE JUDGES HAVE A HIGH TOLERANCE.

FEELS LIKE RAT --.

NAH, MAN, I CUT THAT LITHIUM WITH MY OWN DOOKIE.

- ( blows raspberry ) - I CAN FEEL THE DOOKIE RIGHT HERE, ASS--.

( sniffing ) AIN'T NO DOOKIE IN THIS.

YOU GOING THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, MAN!

I'MA SUCK MY -- IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE FAMILY.

HOLD UP. WHAT ABOUT CASSIE'S BATCH?

( explodes )

HER LAB BLEW UP. DISQUALIFIED!

I WIN!

Announcer: "TOP METH."

* THIS IS AN EMERGENCY...

HEY, EVERYBODY. THANKS FOR TUNING IN.

TONIGHT'S EPISODE FEATURES ONE OF MY FAVORITE SKETCHES

BECAUSE IT WAS UNCASTABLE, IT WAS SO FILTHY AND WEIRD.

IT WAS A ROLE OF A GRANDMOTHER AND A MOTHER,

AND NOBODY WOULD DO IT BECAUSE IT WAS SO DISTURBING.

SO WE HAD TO REWRITE THE ENTIRE SKETCH.

SO LOOK FOR IT IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE.

IT INVOLVES FREDDY KRUEGER. I'M DANIEL TOSH.

I AM SORRY, NICK.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE TO LEAVE.

IS IT MY WORK ETHIC?

NO, YOU WORK HARDER THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

YOUR TENACITY IS UNPARALLELED.

THEN IS IT TECHNICAL? ARE MY MOVES SLOPPY?

NO, YOUR JUMPS ARE FLAWLESS.

YOUR PIROUETTES ARE OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY,

BETTER THAN ANY DANCER IN RUSSIA.

SO THEN IS IT MY ATTITUDE?

- DO THE OTHER DANCERS HATE ME? - NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THE OTHER DANCERS, THEY LOVE YOU.

MIKHAIL, HE CRIED FOR HOURS

WHEN HE HEARD OF YOUR DEPARTURE.

- THAT IS NICE TO HEAR. - YES.

THEN IT IS NOT MY HYGIENE?

NO, YOU SMELL OF WARM CIDER.

- MY PLIE? - LIKE A YOUNG BARYSHNIKOV.

- MY STYLE? - ARMANI WOULD BE PUT TO SHAME.

THEN LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,

AND BE HONEST WITH ME.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN BE.

IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE TWO PENISES?

YES, OKAY? YES, IT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO DICKS.

NOBODY WILL PAY ATTENTION TO THE SHOW WHEN YOU DANCE.

SOME OF THE AUDIENCE, THEY LAUGH.

OTHERS, THEY MASTURBATE.

IT IS RUINING THE ACADEMY. I'M SORRY, NICK.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.

I WAS HOPING THAT NOBODY NOTICED.

IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO HIDE ONE PENIS

IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS, LET ALONE TWO.

WELCOME TO MY PRISON.

IF ONLY YOU HAD TWO VAGINAS.

- THIS IS TRUE. - NO!

IF ONLY YOU HAD TWO VAGINAS.

TELL MIKHAIL I WILL MISS HIM--

HIM AND HIS TWO BUTTHOLES.

YOU FILLED HIM WITH BOTH

TREMENDOUS RESPECT AND YOUR TWO --.

- ( Muzak playing ) - THAT'S WHERE THAT GOES.

HI. HAVE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE BEEN PLAGUED BY VOODOO?

IF SO, CALL ME, MERV FARENZ...

( echoing ) VOODOO LAWYER.

I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN 200 TIMES.

YOU AND YOUR LADY FRIEND,

YOU GO TO NEW ORLEANS FOR SPRING BREAK ON A WHIM.

YOU ORDER SOME DRINKS LIKE PEOPLE DO.

YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. YOU'RE IN LOVE.

( people gasp )

OOPS, YOU'VE SPILLED YOUR DRINK ON A HIGH VOODOO PRIEST.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE BARFING SNAKES.

- ( screaming ) - ( hissing )

- ( dings ) - THEY OPEN EVERY TIME.

VOODOO SEASON IS ALMOST UPON US,

SO DON'T WAIT TO GET YOURSELF CHECKED OUT.

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE ASKING, "MERV, HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH

ABOUT HELPING VOODOO PEOPLE?"

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU GIVE ME TWO SECONDS.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I DECIDED TO SPEND A SUMMER IN THE AMAZON.

I LOVED ADVENTURE.

IT WAS THERE THAT I GOT VOODOOED.

OH! ( crying )

Merv's voice: I SPENT THE WHOLE TRIP CRYING SPIDERS.

( muttering ) OH NO, I'M CRYING SPIDERS.

( sobbing )

WHY DID I GET VOODOOED?

Merv's voice: BUT INSTEAD OF LEAVING, I DECIDED TO LEARN.

DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THE PERSON?

JUST A CRUDE REPRESENTATION IS OKAY?

I GOTTA TELL YOU, YOU'RE A LIFESAVER. THIS IS GREAT STUFF.

HOW DO I WANNA SET SOMEBODY ON FIRE?

LIKE, IF I WANTED TO BURN SOMEBODY OR SOMETHING?

OH, JUST A LIGHTER? I SEE.

OH, SO THAT'S LIKE WE HAVE AT HOME.

PUSH IT DOWN LIKE THAT AND AROUND.

DOING A CRAZY-- GO INTO A CRAZY TRANCE, RIGHT?

OH, I DON'T HAVE THE THINGS, BUT-- YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH YEAH YEAH, I GET YOU.

GREAT! THANK YOU.

AND I BROUGHT THAT KNOWLEDGE BACK HERE.

SO IF YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM TINY SHRUNKEN HEAD,

PLANT HANDS, SNAKE PUBES, CORK FOOT,

OR ANY OTHER VOODOO AFFLICTION, DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.

I'M URINATING MAGGOTS! WHAT THE HELL?

HAVE A SEAT, BUDDY. WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

Merv's voice: MERV FARENZ, VOODOO LAWYER.

( suspenseful music playing )

WE'VE DONE IT, LORD JIM--

THE TOMB OF TUTANKHAMEN.

WOW, FATHER, YOU AND JIM DID IT.

NOW WHAT DOES IT SAY?

OH, UH, "WHOSOEVER DISTURBS

THE PHARAOH'S SLUMBER

SHALL DIE AT THE HANDS OF HIS MUMMY."

THAT'S JUST TO SCARE AWAY LOOTERS, RIGHT?

- I HOPE SO. - ( woman gasps )

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL STATUE MADE OF GOLD.

( rumbling )

HILLARY!

THE DOOR!

- ( Hillary screams ) - NO!

WE'RE TRAPPED AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

NO NO, THE FAULT IS MINE.

I-- I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DRAGGED YOU ALONG

ON THIS MOST DANGEROUS EXPEDITION.

NOW WAIT. THERE'S GOTTA BE A WAY OUT OF HERE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A LEVER OR SOMETHING.

( moaning )

THE MUMMY'S COMING. HE'S GONNA KILL US!

I DON'T MIND DYING IN THE NAME OF ANTHROPOLOGY,

BUT I NEVER WANTED THIS FOR THE TWO OF YOU.

ALL RIGHT, STAY BACK. I'LL PROTECT YOU.

IS-- IS THAT HIS KID?

UH, TUTANKHAMEN HAD NO OFFSPRING.

HE'S TINY.

Dad: RESEARCH DATA SAYS THAT A MAN OF THAT PERIOD

WOULD HAVE AVERAGED ABOUT 5'2".

I MEAN, HE'S 5'-ISH.

RARH!

LORD JIM, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN STORE FOR US.

RIGHT.

( groans )

WHAT-- WHAT A PUSSY.

HE'S JUST A SPOILED RICH KID WRAPPED IN TOILET PAPER.

WATCH THIS.

I THINK WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF FUN WITH OUR MUMMY.

- DO IT. - CANNONBALL!

Both: OH!

( laughing )

HE'S SUCH A LITTLE PIECE OF --.

LET ME HAVE A WHACK AT IT.

- GET HIM. - OKAY.

- ( groans ) OH NO NO. - WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

COME HERE.

- HERE. - Men: OH!

- ( groans ) - DAD, YOU GOTTA GET IN ON THIS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE.

- GET UP. - ( whimpering )

OH, TRYING TO PULL A WEAPON ON ME, HUH, TOUGH GUY?

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

I'M ALIVE, ALIVE!

YOU IDIOT MUMMY.

- HA HA HA. - OH, DAD!

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.

WHY DON'T YOU TWO HOLD HIM DOWN

AND I'LL WIPE MY ASS ON THE BANDAGE

UNDERNEATH HIS NOSE?

- INSPIRED. - GOOD PLAN.

THIS WILL BE A JOY.

OH, HERE IT COMES, MUMMY. THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE.

- YOU HAD THIS COMING. - WHOO!

HERE WE GO.

( thumping )

ANUBIS,

THE EGYPTIAN GOD OF DEATH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING.

PULL YOUR PANTS UP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL US NOW, ARE YOU?

NO.

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WANTING TO GIVE THAT GUY A BEATING.

JUST COULDN'T GET THAT FREAKIN' SARCOPHAGUS OPEN.

NOW STEP ASIDE AND LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO ANUBIS,

THE GOD OF TEA BAGGING.

- ( laughs ) - HOORAY!

- Hillary: YES! DO IT! - ( laughing )

- YOU GO! - U.S.A.!

I'M PSYCHED TO FINALLY MEET THE BOSS.

I HAVE TO ADMIT I'M KIND OF NERVOUS.

DON'T BE.

- BUT YOU KNOW THE DEAL THOUGH, RIGHT? - WHAT DEAL?

OH, HE'S BLIND,

BUT HE DOESN'T THINK ANYONE KNOWS,

SO JUST KIND OF GO WITH IT.

WHAT? SERIOUSLY.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ARE YA?

DO YOU HAVE-- AH. HEH.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR. - MORNING, SIR.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? HAPPY TUESDAY.

OH! OH.

SORRY. PHIL!

PHIL, GOOD TO SEE YOU, BUDDY.

YOU GOT SOME LITTLE CRUMB ON YOUR CHEEK THERE. I GOT IT FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT. HAPPY TUESDAY, HAPPY TUESDAY.

( vocalizing )

NOW WHERE IS THE NEW GUY?

RIGHT HERE, SIR.

TED, WELCOME TO THE TEAM, BUDDY.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

TED, HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU

YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE BRAD PITT?

UH, OF COURSE. ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME, RIGHT? IT'S WEIRD.

I THOUGHT I WALKED INTO A FIGHT CLUB.

I LOVE SITTING DOWN IN A SMOOTH WAY

AND JUST EASING INTO IT.

( sighs )

LET'S START THE PRESENTATION.

ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAD GREAT RETURNS

LAST QUARTER IN THE CAPITAL SECTOR.

PROFITS ROSE BY THAT MUCH THERE.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD GRAPH.

COSTS FELL BECAUSE OF THAT GRAPHIC

ILLUSTRATED RIGHT THERE.

INTERESTING. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG SPIKE RIGHT THERE.

( imitates changing slides )

THIS IS THE OUTCOME FOR THE SECOND QUARTER.

NOW, UH, SOMETHING'S OFF HERE.

AM I RIGHT ABOUT THAT OR--?

GREAT CATCH, MR. HODGES.

LET ME JUST FIX THAT.

( groaning )

FEELS BAD.

YES. YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

HEY, MR. HODGES, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I'D LIKE TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS ON A-- A QUESTION I HAD.

ALL RIGHT. SHOOT, TED. I LIKE YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

I KNEW IT!

GAME OVER, HODGES.

WOW, AMAZING!

I COULD SMELL THE AIR COMING AT MY FACE.

TELL IT TO THE JUDGE. OFFICERS!

TED, WHAT-- WHAT IS HAPPENING, MAN?

I'M UNDER COVER WITH THE S.E.C.

HODGES WAS FILING FALSE TAX RETURNS

ON THE GROUNDS THAT HE COULDN'T SEE THEM.

WE HAD A HUNCH HE WAS FAKING.

NOW WE KNOW.

SEE? FAKE GOONY EYES.

PHIL, I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH YOU SPENT A LOT OF TIME

PLAYING TRICKS ON ME, YOU WERE LIKE A SON.

HE WAS FAKING BEING BLIND?

IS THAT RARE? HOW--

HOW MANY BLIND PEOPLE ARE JUST FAKING?

ALL OF THEM, PHILIP-- EVERY SINGLE ONE.

- AND CUT. - WHEW.

ALL RIGHT, PRECIOUS, THAT WAS GREAT.

UM, NOW REMEMBER, WE'VE GOTTA GET TO THE FIFTH LEVEL HERE,

WHICH IS YOUR LITERACY CLASS.

AND I NEED YOU TO REALLY EMOTIONALLY DIAL IN ON THIS.

- OKAY. - THIS IS GONNA BE A BIG VIDEO GAME.

THE "PRECIOUS" VIDEO GAME IS GOING AGAINST "HALO 6,"

SO THAT'S A LOT OF COMPETITION, ALL RIGHT?

SO DIAL IN THE GHETTO.

ROLL PLAYBACK.

HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT, ROLL PLAYBACK, JERRY!

- GOD DAMN IT! - ( suspenseful music playing )

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON LEVEL ONE. YOU'RE CLIMBING.

UH-OH, A BEER MUG IS FLYING AT YOU.

- WAVE YOUR ARMS. AND DUCK, WHOA! - LIKE THIS?

YEAH, GREAT. NOW TAKE YOUR BABY.

USE YOUR BABY.

THERE'S YOUR BABY YOU MADE, YEAH.

NOW TO GET TO LEVEL TWO,

YOU GOTTA GET DOWN THE STAIRS, ALL RIGHT?

DODGE A T.V. SET.

OH MY GOD, A T.V. SET ALMOST HIT YOU.

OKAY, WHOA!

OKAY, NOW START WAVING YOUR ARMS.

NOW HERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE.

SO ON THE WAY YOU GOTTA CARJACK SOME GUY

AND SHOOT A HOOKER, OKAY?

BUT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE MOVIE.

OH, IT DIDN'T? 'CAUSE I DON'T CARE. I DIDN'T SEE THAT MOVIE.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, NEXT IS LEVEL THREE.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET TO THE FREE CLINIC FOR YOUR PREGNANCY TEST.

YOU'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY OUT OF YOUR VAGINA.

- HERE'S A CROSSBOW. - WHAT'S THIS FOR?

IN ORDER TO GET TO THE CLINIC YOU GOTTA KILL OSAMA BIN LADEN.

WHY BIN LADEN?

BECAUSE HE PLAYS YOUR DAD CARL

IN THE VIDEO GAME VERSION OF THE MOVIE.

I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST.

COME ON, MORE ENERGY. SHOW ME PRECIOUS!

WHERE IS PRECIOUS, THE GIRL EVERYBODY LOVES? ALL RIGHT?

NOW COME ON, YOU'RE BEING CHASED

BY A T. REX IN A PARKING STRUCTURE.

FIGHT HIM OFF WITH YOUR FRYING PAN, OKAY?

- ( pan clangs ) - GET THAT T. REX. "GET OUTTA HERE, T. REX."

- ( music stops ) - THIS IS STUPID.

LOOK, DO ME A FAVOR, OKAY, AND JUST WAVE YOUR ARMS AROUND.

WAVE THOSE BIG PILLOWS AND MAKE SOME MONEY.

- MAKE EVERYONE MONEY. - THAT'S ENOUGH, LITTLE MAN.

I'M ABOUT THIS CLOSE TO SLAPPING THE -- OUTTA YOU.

HI, LOOK WHO SHOWED UP-- PRECIOUS.

PERFECT. CAN YOU KEEP THAT?

AND WE'LL DO IT AGAIN. THAT WAS GREAT. THAT WAS GREAT.

UM, I LIKE THAT SASS THAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA SEE, OKAY?

THAT INTENSITY JUST GOT YOU ANOTHER JOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? "BIG MAMA'S HOUSE" THE VIDEO GAME.

OKAY, SO ONE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THIS NEW JOB--

CAN YOU FART OUT THE BIRTHDAY CANDLES ON A BIRTHDAY CAKE?

IS YOUR FACE A BIRTHDAY CAKE?

- MAYBE. - HMM.

Precious: Oh, ha ha! That's right.

Hold up, baby.

Mama about to give someone a dirt nap.

Sit down, mother--.

Oh no, you didn't just throw that TV at me!

Ha ha! Here comes my call of duty.

This is my master queaf, Master Chief.

- ( farts ) - Ooh, I just unlocked the fart upgrade.

Hah!

I'M GONNA GO FIND THE GIRLS.

JUST WAIT HERE AND DO NOT FALL ASLEEP.

I'M SO TIRED, MAN.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT FREDDY'S GONNA GET YOU, NICK.

STAY AWAKE.

Freddy: PERFECT--

TWO DEAD BODIES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.

( laughing )

- WHY'D YOU STOP? - OH NO.

NATASHA?

COME ON, BIG BROTHER, LET'S DO THIS.

YOU'RE BANGING YOUR SISTER?

THAT'S SICK, MAN.

- I HAVE WEIRD DREAMS SOMETIMES. - NO MATTER.

WE'LL KEEP THIS BLOOD FEST IN THE FAMILY.

- ( laughing ) - Man: PUT YOUR HAND DOWN.

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE CAMERA, IDIOT.

- GRANDPA? - NOW GET INTO IT, NICK.

I WANNA MOVE INTO A 69.

AND TAKE THE CONDOM OFF, PUSSY.

IT'S YOUR SISTER. SHE'S CLEAN.

OKAY, UH...

THIS IS REALLY SICK.

I GUESS I'LL JUST KILL THE WHOLE FAMILY TREE!

- ( laughing ) - WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH.

LET ME GET THAT ON CAMERA. THAT REALLY TURNS ME ON.

NO! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

COME ON, BROTHER, IGNORE THIS BURNT ACNE WEIRDO.

I'M NOT SOME STUPID PERSON.

I'M FREDDY KRUEGER!

STOP, GET OFF ME.

- GO! - OW!

THAT TINGLES MY DOWNSTAIRS.

OKAY, YOU NEED THERAPY, MAN.

- WHO IS THIS GUY? - I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I JUST HAD A LOT OF SUGAR YESTERDAY.

THIS IS A LOT MORE THAN SUGAR.

PET MY PUSSY?

( meows )

NICKY, LET'S JOIN HIM!

- ( meows ) - GRANDPA, DON'T VIDEOTAPE THAT.

NICE KITTY.

YOU'RE A PERVERT!

THIS IS A DISTURBING DREAM.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

( screaming )

HE'S GONE. WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

( distorted ) I'M YOUR FUTURE WIFE.

Man: NICK, NICK.

- NICK, WAKE UP! - ( snorts )

FREDDY'S DEAD. YOU KILLED HIM.

- YEAH. - HOW'D YOU DO IT, MAN?

- WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR DREAM? - OH, DUDE, IT WAS CRAZY.

UH...

I SHOT HIM IN THE FACE.

REALLY? THAT'S IT?

YEAH, I FOUND A GUN. I SHOT HIM IN THE FACE.

BULLET, FACE, DEAD, GONE.

WE'RE ALIVE, DUDE.

WHY WERE YOU MEOWING IN YOUR SLEEP?

UH, I FOUND A CAT IN MY DREAM.

YEAH, I WAS HOMELESS AND FREDDY WANTED TO KILL IT.

I WAS PLAYING WITH IT.

( lisping ) NOPE, WIDE RIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO FACTOR IN THE WINDS FROM THE SOUTH.

20mph,

JUST AS I THOUGHT.

THESE CONDITIONS WILL BE WORSE ON GAME DAY.

LEAN MORE ON YOUR LEFT FOOT AND FALL BACK ON YOUR HEEL.

THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU A BETTER TRAJECTORY.

COOL.

THANKS A LOT, GAY ROBOT. THIS IS REALLY HELPING ME OUT.

OF COURSE. I'LL HOLD YOUR BALLS ANYTIME.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT IN THE WAY--

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, GAY ROBOT.

- I WAS TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALLS. - I KNOW.

BUT I'D HOLD THE OTHER BALLS TOO IF YOU WANT.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT YOU'RE UGLY.

I DON'T, BUT THANKS FOR OFFERING.

- JUST COVERING BASES. - I KNOW.

BUT I'LL ALSO COVER FACES, REAL TALK.

LET'S KICK SOME BALLS, BUDDY.

COPY THAT.

REMEMBER THE HEEL, TROY.

YOU CAN DO IT. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Gay Robot: HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!

- NICE! - WHOOHOO!

SWEET KICK.

I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, GAY ROBOT.

- I SAY WE GET A BEER. - YEAH, LET'S GET A BEER.

- IN THE STEAM ROOM? - NO.

- I MEAN, AT THE BAR. - THERE YOU GO.

- NAKED. - LET'S JUST GO TO THE BAR, BUDDY.

TOTALLY. TROY, IS IT ME

OR DID YOU HEAR A POP IN YOUR THIGH?

I THINK YOU NEED A MASSAGE.

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E. *

Man's voice: TERRIFIC.

AND JUST EASING INTO IT.

- HOW WAS THE SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT, SIR? - LOUD.

SOMEONE WITH ENHANCED HEARING WOULD HAVE HAD A TERRIBLE TIME,

BUT LUCKILY MY HEARING'S NORMAL SO I MADE IT THROUGH.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY, MR. HODGES?

IF YOU KILL A BUTTERFLY

TRYING TO FEEL THE SHAPE OF ITS WINGS,

SHOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY?

- NO, SIR. - ABSOLUTELY NOT, SIR.

A FRIEND OF MINE CALLED ME WITH THAT QUESTION EARLIER.

I'LL-- I'LL CALL HIM BACK AND TELL HIM HE'S ALL RIGHT.