All language subtitles for Nick Swardsons Pretend Time s01e05_English

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

( helicopter whirring )

TAKE THE SHOT!

- TAKE IT.
- THERE'S NO SHOT.

IT'S TOO FAR.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
INSIDE THE BUILDING.

NEGATIVE.
WE'RE NOT GONNA JEOPARDIZE
THAT MANY LIVES.

WE'VE GOTTA
TAKE IT FROM HERE.
WE NEED THIS SHOT.

( rock music playing )

OH, THANK GOD.
THE SNIPER'S HERE.
MAKE ROOM!

FOURTH FLOOR,
CORNER WINDOW.

YEAH, THE TERRORIST
IS EXPOSING 8.6cm
OF HIS SHOULDER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY METAL-EAZE
SUPER SPEED BULLETS?

- THIS GUY'S AMAZING.
- HE'S THE BEST.

- ( zipper zings )
- ( gun cocks )

WHAT THE HELL?

THE TERRORIST IS
GONNA BE TERMINATED.

SCUMBAG.
( gasps )

SOUL LEAVING THE BODY.
SOUL LEAVING THE BODY!

OH! SOUL LEAVING
THE BODY!

- ( gunshot )
- AH!

- OH! GREAT SHOT!
- Man: WHOO!

CAPTAIN, DID YOU SEE THAT?
THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WHAT? A CLEAN
BRAINSTEM SHOT
FROM 200 METERS?

THAT'S HEROIC, SON.

- WE JUST TOOK DOWN
ANOTHER SCUMBAG.
- ( gags )

PACK IT UP, BOYS.
WE'VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO.

GIVE HIM SOME SPACE.
DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.

- MOVE!
- DON'T LOOK ME
IN MY EYE.

Man #2:
YOU DID A GOOD THING.

GOD WIRED ME
A LITTLE DIFFERENT, HUH?

YOU DID
A GOOD THING.

( crying )

Announcer:
NEXT TIME ON
"MASTURBATING SNIPER"...

GUESS WHAT I JUST WATCHED.
THE SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE

FROM THE BANK ROBBERY
LAST WEEK.

YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL.

THE CHIEF WANTS TO PUT
YOU BEHIND A DESK.

Sniper's voice:
KILLING BAD GUYS IS

THE ONLY WAY
I CAN... EJACULATE.

ARE YOU COMING TO BED?

NO.

( gunfire )

REALLY? AGAIN?

( rock music playing )

* THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

IN FOURTH GRADE
ONE TIME, MY TEACHER
CALLED MY PARENTS OVER

TO LOOK AT MY DESK,
BECAUSE I HAD WROTE
"POOP" ON IT.

SHE WAS LIKE
"I THINK WE'RE TOO OLD

TO BE WRITING 'POOP'
AND THINKING IT'S FUNNY."

AND I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.

( laughs )
AND THERE'S A LOT
OF POOP JOKES IN MY SHOW.

I'VE LEARNED NOTHING.
NOTHING.

TONIGHT'S TOP STORY IS
ONE OF EXTREME SURVIVAL.

A MAN, JEREMY REEVES,

WAS LOST IN THE HILLS
OF YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

WHERE HE SURVIVED ALONE
FOR 48 HOURS.

48 BRUTAL HOURS.
WITH US NOW IS MR. REEVES.

- THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
- YEAH, SURE.

- A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.
- NOW I'VE BEEN READING
THE ACCOUNTS

OF YOUR EXPERIENCE
AND IT REALLY IS AMAZING

WHAT HAPPENED
DURING THAT 48 HOURS.

YEAH, IT WAS
NOT WHAT I PLANNED

TO HAPPEN THAT DAY--
OR DAYS, RATHER.

WELL, IT SAYS HERE
THAT WHEN YOU REALIZED
YOU WERE ALONE,

YOU PANICKED AND STARTED
SWALLOWING ROCKS.

YEAH, I JUST
DIDN'T WANT TO STARVE
TO DEATH, YOU KNOW?

- I GOT REAL SCARED.
- NO BERRIES, LEAVES
OR NUTS?

YEAH, THAT'S CORRECT.

RIGHT, BUT DID
YOU MAKE ANY ATTEMPT
TO FIND HELP?

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T STARVE
TO DEATH IMMEDIATELY.

OH, YEAH, FOR SURE.
I MEAN, I SHOUTED

FOR ABOUT
A GOOD TWO MINUTES.

RIGHT. OKAY.

WELL, HERE'S ACTUALLY WHERE
IT STARTS GETTING CONFUSING.

YOU SAID THAT
THE NIGHT STARTED COMING,
SO YOU PANICKED,

AND USING YOUR CELL PHONE,

"SMASHED MY TEETH
OUT OF MY OWN MOUTH

TO MAKE A WEAPON
AGAINST NIGHT CREATURES."

I KNEW THAT THE NIGHT
WAS GONNA CREEP IN

AND THAT WOULD
BE FOLLOWED BY BATS,

WOLVES-- YOU KNOW,
BIGFOOT IS THE OBVIOUS ONE.

- HE COULD'VE HAD A GUN.
- OKAY, SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST

USE THE PHONE
TO CALL SOMEONE?

DO YOU WANNA FIGHT BIGFOOT
IF HE'S GOT A GUN

AND YOU HAVE
A PHONE? I DON'T.

I WANNA HAVE A WEAPON
MADE OUT OF HUMAN TEETH

AND JUST SCARE THE ( bleep )
OUT OF THAT ( bleep )

BIG BAD-ASS WOOD MONSTER.

PLUS I WAS OVER MY MINUTES.
I'M ON A REALLY BAD
CALLING PLAN.

OKAY, SO THAT WASN'T
EVEN THE AWFUL PART.

IT TURNS OUT THAT
WHEN IT GOT DARK

"I TOOK THE MATCHES
AND LIT MY HAIR ON FIRE,

CREATING A HUMAN TORCH."

UH, CORRECT.
I FIGURED IT WOULD
DRAW THE ATTENTION

OF ANY SEARCH PARTY.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
A GOOD CHOICE

- AND IT WAS.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
LIGHT A BRANCH

AND SAVE YOURSELF
THAT HORRENDOUS PAIN?

WELL, IF YOU KNEW
ANYTHING ABOUT FIRE,

HAIR LIGHTS TWICE AS FAST.
IT WAS THE RIGHT MOVE.

- BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK.
- NO, IT DID NOT.

WOOD, I FOUND OUT,
HAS WAY MORE LONGEVITY
THAN HAIR.

MY HAIR WENT OUT RIGHT AWAY
AND IT JUST SMELLED LIKE

A ( bleep ) GARGOYLE RAPED
A ( bleep ) ZOMBIE'S BABY.

SO THEN MORNING CAME
AND THAT'S--

- I ATE MY OWN EYEBALL.
- OKAY.

WELL, JOINING US NOW IS
FOREST RANGER JEFF SANCHEZ.

HE WAS THE FIRST
UPON THE SCENE.

MR. SANCHEZ,
WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION

WHEN YOU FOUND JEREMY?

WELL, I IMMEDIATELY
VOMITED.

I THOUGHT HE HAD BEEN MAULED
BY A WEREWOLF OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'D ONLY BEEN GONE
FOR 36 HOURS TO BE EXACT,

SO I WASN'T REALLY
EVEN SURE IF IT WAS HIM.

THE REAL CURVEBALL IS
WHEN I FOUND HIM,

HE WAS GIVING
HIMSELF ORAL SEX.

WHAT?
IS THAT TRUE?

YES, THAT'S 100% ACCURATE.

AGAIN, I THOUGHT
THESE WERE MY FINAL HOURS
AND I FIGURED I HAD NO TEETH--

I WAS RELIEVED TO SEE
MR. SANCHEZ, OBVIOUSLY.

AFTER HE SAW ME,

I IMMEDIATELY,
OUT OF RESPECT TO HIM,

( bleep ) RIGHT AWAY
SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT

AND THEN I ATE
HIS VOMIT, WHICH WAS
ALSO VERY NUTRITIOUS.

TO EVERYONE WATCHING,
I REALLY WANT TO USE

MR. REEVES AS AN EXAMPLE
OF WHAT NOT TO DO

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WOODS.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
DO WHAT HE DID.

DO NOTHING HE DID.

I THOUGHT I DID
WHAT ANYBODY WOULD DO
IN THAT SITUATION.

NO, WE DEFINITELY
WOULD'VE FOUND YOU.

YOU WERE 200 YARDS AWAY
FROM THE GIFT SHOP.

200 YARDS IS
FAR AS ( bleep )

OKAY, I'D JUST LIKE
TO ASK MR. REEVES,

WHY EXACTLY
DID YOU WANDER OFF
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

UH, I WAS LOOKING
FOR CHICKS. YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?

THERE WERE A LOT OF THREES
AND FOURS IN MY GROUP,

SO I WANTED
SOME POOTANG.

- HOLLER BACK.
- OKAY, GREAT.

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ALIVE, I GUESS.

GO GREEN BAY PACKERS!

THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.

Man:
WHENEVER MY FATHER
AND I WOULD HANG OUT,

WE ALWAYS HAD
TO STOP SO HE COULD
GO TO THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S WHEN A FRIEND
TOLD ME ABOUT FLOMAX.

FLOMAX HELPS TO TREAT
MALE URINARY SYMPTOMS

DUE TO B.P.H.
OR AN ENLARGED PROSTATE.

IT LASTS FOR 12 HOURS
AND HELPS TO CONTROL

THE FREQUENCY OF TRIPS
TO THE BATHROOM.

SADLY, FLOMAX DIDN'T WORK.

WE STILL HAD TO MAKE
NUMEROUS PIT STOPS.

THEN I DISCOVERED
MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE
A URINARY PROBLEM.

IT TURNS OUT HE WAS
GOING TO THE RESTROOM

FOR ANONYMOUS GAY SEX.

THAT'S WHEN A FRIEND OF MINE
TOLD ME ABOUT CIALIS.

IT ALLOWS
MY FATHER TO GO IN,

TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS,

AND GET OUT QUICKLY

SO WE CAN WATCH THE GAME.

- DID I MISS ANYTHING?
- NO, NOT AT ALL.

- ( bat cracks )
- OH!

- HEY HEY HEY!
- ( crowd cheering )

THANKS, DAD.
AND THANKS, CIALIS.

Announcer:
BE RESPONSIBLE.
GET TESTED.

- ( birds squawking )
- ( dramatic music playing )

CAPTAIN,
I BRING AMAZING NEWS.

- WHAT IS IT, GREGONE?
- I HAVE FOUND THE MAP

THAT LEADS TO BLUEBEARD'S
MAGIC TREASURE.

PFFT! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT MAP'S BEEN ELUSIVE
TO ALL. YOU KNOW THAT.

UNTIL NOW.
SEND UP OLD CRABS!

NOW WHAT DOES
OLD CRABS THE DECKHAND

HAVE TO DO
WITH THIS MAP?

WHEN OLD CRABS WAS
IN HIS SYPHILIS DELIRIUM,

HE MUMBLED
OF A TATTOO--

A TATTOO THAT
LEADS TO RICHES.

AND WHERE IS
THIS TATTOO?

- ( squawks ) TREASURE BALLS!
- THAT'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY.

BLUEBEARD TATTOOED IT
TO ME BALLS.

HE KNEW IT WAS
THE ONE PLACE
THE MEN WOULDN'T LOOK.

- CROTCH IS ROTTING!
- WELL...

LET'S HAVE A LOOK THEN.

IS THE TREASURE MAP
ON HIS BALLS?

YEAH.

WE'LL START LOOKING
FOR IT RIGHT AWAY.

WE'LL HEAD WEST.
I THINK THAT'S WHERE
IT SAID TO START.

YEAH, BY THAT HAIRY MOLE
WAS THE STARTING POINT,
I THINK.

MY EYES STARTED
TO WATER UP PRETTY BAD.

SHOULD WE LOOK
AT THE MAP AGAIN?

OH! NO, LET'S JUST GO!

IS THIS RIGHT, SIR?

IF THAT ROCK
IS HIS COLD SORE,

THEN I THINK
WE GO TO THE RIGHT.

BUT I THOUGHT-- WAIT.

WHICH COLD SORE?

I THINK WE SHOULD
CHECK THE MAP.

IT'S SO BLOODY HOT.
( groans )

- I'M SWEATING LIKE A PIG.
- NO NEED TO CHECK THE MAP.

LET'S KEEP GOING.
COME ON.

( rock music playing )

* HEY HEY HEY,
THIS IS SWELL! *

SO THAT'S WHY
IT'S IMPORTANT
WE ALL DO OUR PART

TO STOP POLLUTION TODAY.

AND THAT'S WHAT
AL GORE AND HIS CRUSADE
WERE ALL ABOUT.

AND THEY'VE GIVEN BIRTH
TO THE "GOING GREEN" MOVEMENT.

- GOING GREEN?
- YES, GOING GREEN.

I WANNA GO GREEN.

WORD.
GO GREEN, SON.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD, GUYS.

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT GOING GREEN,

YOU CAN VISIT YOUR
LOCAL RECYCLING PLANT.

OH, WHERE THAT GREEN AT?

MAKING IT GREEN!

GREEN, SON.
ALL DAY, ALL DAY.

EVERY DAY.

Y'ALL BE DOING
GREEN UP IN HERE?

YES, GREEN IS
VERY IMPORTANT.

- FO' SHO'.
- IT'S ALL THERE IS, HOMEY.

WELL, WE'RE A RECYCLING
PROCESSING PLANT,

SO WHAT WE DO IS
TAKE THE BOTTLES
AND PAPER PRODUCTS,

SEPARATE THEM
AND THEN BREAK THEM
DOWN FOR REUSE.

BREAK IT DOWN
LIKE DOO DOO BROWN.

- ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
- YUP, THE PLANT IS
RUNNING EVERY DAY.

MY MAN SAID PLANT. YO.

YO, SON,
WE'RE DOWN ON THAT.

UH, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

YO, MAN,
WE'RE THE INCREDIBLE HULK,

SLEEPING
AT THE GREEN, BABY.

OH. WELL, I CAN SHOW YOU GUYS
HOW IT WORKS IF YOU LIKE.

SHOW ME,
DON'T ( bleep ) ME, HOMEY.

TREES ( bleep )!

SO THIS IS
A GLASS PROCESSOR.

WHAT IT'S DOING
IS SUPERHEATING
THE GLASS INTO SHEETS,

THEN IT'S RESOLD
AND TURNED INTO BOTTLES

- AND OTHER PRODUCTS.
- LIKE MY LAST PIPE, RIGHT?

- UH, YEAH, SURE.
- BLAZING THAT GLASS

ALL UP
IN THAT ASS. OKAY.

YEAH, I GUESS.

WEED.

SO THIS IS WHERE
WE DO ALL THE PAPER.

ROLL THAT ( bleep ) UP.

LIVE AND DIE
FOR THE PAPER.

YEAH, SO THAT'S
ABOUT IT, GUYS.

YO, BUT WHERE
THE GREEN AT?

- I JUST SHOWED YOU.
- NO, I DIDN'T SEE NO GREEN.

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE TURNING ALL
THIS STUFF INTO WEED.

THE RECYCLABLES?
NO, IT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.

- WEED.
- NO.

- CHRONIC.
- NO. LOOK. I'VE GOT TO
GET BACK TO WORK, OKAY?

- WEED.
- CHRONIC, YO.

- WEED.
- WHERE THAT WEED AT, DAWG?

- WEED. WEED.
- WE NEED THE WEED.

- RIGHT?
- WHAT?

WEED PANCAKES.

WORD. YO,
I JUST HAD A DREAM

- WHERE "GREEN"
DIDN'T MEAN "WEED."
- YO, WHAT?

THAT'S A STRAIGHT UP
NIGHTMARE FOR REAL, Y'ALL.

YO, COME WITH ME

AND I'LL SHOW Y'ALL
HOW TO MAKE YOUR DOG

INTO WEED.
LET'S GO.

I'MA MAKE
A WEED BURRITO.

Announcer:
WE'RE ASKING BAR PATRONS

IF THEY'VE NOTICED
ANYTHING DIFFERENT

ABOUT O'MALLEY'S
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU GUYS DID,

BUT IT TASTES GREAT.

GOT A NICE KICK TO IT.
THEY ADD MORE HOPS?

- WHAT'S THE SECRET?
- Announcer: O'MALLEY'S
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER...

Man:
* DON'T BE DENIED
A GOOD TIME! *

Announcer:
AFTER 35 YEARS OF BREWING

THE WORLD'S FINEST
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER,

WE'VE DECIDED TO STOP
LEAVING OUT THE GOOD PART.

* GOING BACK
TO AN OLD FRIEND *

* REDISCOVER WHAT
YOU LIKED ABOUT BEER *

* WITH THE PLEASANT
INTERVENTION OF BODY
AND FLAVOR *

* NOBODY JUDGES YOU HERE

* TAKE THE 13th STEP
WITH O'MALLEY'S *

- * AND BE ALLOWED
SIMPLE REFRESHMENT *
- ( all laughing )

Announcer:
O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER,

NOW WITH ALCOHOL;

AARON O'MALLEY
BREWING COMPANY,
ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA.

Announcer:
PREVIOUSLY ON
"MASTURBATING SNIPER"...

PEOPLE HAVE FETISHES,
YOU KNOW?

SOME GUYS LIKE
GIRL ON GIRL,

OTHER GUYS THROW
AN ANIMAL IN THE MIX.

- ( gunshot )
- OH! OH!

I'VE GOTTA GET OFF
BY SEEING A BAD GUY'S
HEAD EXPLODE,

BRAINS GO ALL OVER
AND THE SOUL LEAVE
THE BODY INTO A GHOST FORM.

- YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME, CAPTAIN?
- COME ON, SON.

IT'S EASY
FOR A COP TO GET OFF.

DID YOU EVER RENT
"FACES OF DEATH,"

SLAP SOME PEANUT BUTTER
ON YOUR JOHNSON

- AND LET THE DOG IN?
- THAT WAS THE FIRST THING
I EVER DID.

- NO GO?
- NOTHING.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?
HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT THIS?

- SHE WANTS TO HAVE
A BABY, BUT I CAN'T...
- CLIMAX INSIDE OF HER?

I JUST WANT
THE AMERICAN DREAM, YOU KNOW?

THE KIDS PLAYING TAG
IN THE YARD.

IT'S OKAY.
WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS.

( crying )
IT'S NORMAL.
I'M NORMAL.

* GONE AWAY

* THE DAYS COLLECT
IN SEASHELLS BY THE SHORE *

* GONE AWAY,
THE BLUE EYES *

- * OF A MAN WHO
MADE US PROUD... *
- ( gun cocks )

- YOU GOT THE SHOT?
- YEAH. YEAH.

( both moaning )

( gunshot )

* I CAN'T FORGET
ABOUT THE MOMENTS *

* THAT HAVE MADE US...
( vocalizes )

* TIME IS ONLY...

WE'RE GONNA
START A FAMILY.

I KILLED
THAT MAN FOR YOU

WHILE I WAS INSIDE YOU.

* SHE SELLS SEASHELLS

* DOWN BY THE SEASHORE

* SHE SELLS SEASHELLS

* DOWN BY THE SEASHORE

* SHE TELLS PEOPLE

* SHE'S WALKING
OUT THE DOOR. *

HI, I'M BOB ODENKIRK

FOR ACQUAINTANCES
OF THE EARTH.

WE'RE HAVING LEGAL ISSUES
WITH THE NAME--

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING
ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING,

THE POLAR ICE CAPS WILL MELT

LEAVING AN UNDERWATER PLANET
FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
HOW DIFFERENT HISTORY
WOULD'VE BEEN

IF WE HAD INHERITED
AN UNDERWATER PLANET?

DECEMBER 1, 1955,

A YOUNG SEAMSTRESS
NAMED ROSA PARKS IS
ORDERED TO GIVE UP HER SEAT

ON AN UNDERWATER BUS.

BUT BEFORE SHE CAN REFUSE--

LOOK OUT, ROSIE! OH!

--SHE IS EATEN BY SHARKS!

YOU'VE GOTTA USE
YOUR EYES, KID!

OH, AND A SQUID!

THE UNDERWATER BUS BOYCOTT
NEVER HAPPENS.

( dramatic music playing )

THREE OF OUR MEN HAVE
PERISHED OF THIRST.

- WE MUST CHECK
THE MAP AGAIN.
- WE MUST.

HAS ANYONE GOT
A CLEAN PAIR OF TROUSERS?

I JUST SOILED MINE AGAIN.

- ( farts )
- OH!

I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE WE'RE GOING.

WE'RE JUST GONNA GO
RIGHT OVER THERE BY THAT
ROCK AND WE'LL BE FINE.

- THAT'S WHERE
THE TREASURE IS.
- ( squawks )

BLOOD AND URINE.
( bleeps ) GROSS!

CAPTAIN, NEARLY ALL
THE MEN ARE DEAD

AND WE ARE SOON
TO HIT A BERG.

PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU--

I JUST FOUND MOSS
ON MY GENITAL MOUND.

IS THAT BAD?

'TIS THAT OR DEATH!

FINE FINE FINE FINE!
I'LL CHECK THE MAP AGAIN.

WHY THE BALLS? WHY?

DEAR GOD!

WE'VE BEEN
READING THE MAP WRONG
THIS WHOLE TIME.

THE TREASURE WAS RIGHT
IN FRONT OF US.

- ( groans )
- THE ARCTIC AIR CAUSED

HIS BALLS TO--
TO SHRIVEL UP,

ALLOWING US
TO PROPERLY READ THE MAP.

THE TREASURE'S
NOT ON LAND OR SEA.

IT'S IN HIS ANUS!

FEEL NEXT
TO THE BELLY BUTTON.
YOU CAN MAKE OUT A GOBLET.

- ( clangs )
- BY GOD.

CAPTAIN, ARE WE GOING
TO GET IT OUT?

WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO IS

WE'RE GONNA
OPEN UP A BAKERY--

YOU KNOW,
MAYBE A NICE LITTLE PLACE,

- MAYBE SPAIN.
- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- COOKIES AND SUCH.
- A BAKERY WITHOUT MAPS.

- OR BALLS.
- NO BALLS.

IT IS MANDATORY
THERE BE NO BALLS.

WE WILL ALL
HAVE THEM CUT OFF

AND WE WILL
JUST SERVE COOKIES--

FLAT COOKIES
WITH NO SORES ON THEM.

- MY BALLS ARE GORGEOUS.
- MY BALLS SMELL BETTER.

HUH.

- ( keyboard clicking )
- "TITO IS...

ABOUT TO GET
MY WEEKEND ON.

MAKE TRICKS
DIVE ON ( bleep ).

YEAH, YOU KNOW
HOW I DO IT. ALL DAY."

- ( chimes )
- WOW, TITO.
AGGRESSIVE UPDATE.

GAY ROBOT, YOU'VE GOT
TO DROP THE HAMMER, SON.

THIS AIN'T NO GAME.
I SAY HOW I FEEL.

I'M OUT.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

LATER, GATOR.
IGNORE THE HATERS.

TRUE.

MAYBE I NEED TO BE
MORE AGGRESSIVE TOO.

WHAT AM I? HMM.

GAY ROBOT.
"IT'S ALL ABOUT PEEN.

I WANT TWO AND A HALF MEN
LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN.

PEEP THAT BOOTY.

SHAKE IT,
BUT DON'T MAKE DOOKIE.

WANT THAT SWEAT
ALL UP ON ME ME.

LIKE A WATERFALL,
BUT NOT WITH PEE PEE."

"LIKE A WATERFALL,
BUT NOT WITH PEE PEE."

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
TITO'S UPDATE.
- KEEP READING.

"I LIKE MY WIENER DIRTY.
'CAUSE IT'S PURTY.

SO TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTY.

PULL YOUR GUN
OUT OF YOUR HOLSTER."

"STUFF IT IN MY TOASTER.

TAKING IT ALL IN
LIKE A MILK-FILLED
ROLLERCOASTER.

- PEACE."
- OH MY GOD.

HE'S REALLY
TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF.

HEY. I LIKE
YOUR NEW UPDATE.

IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
MORE HARD CORE.

I AIN'T AFRAID
TO DROP THE HAMMER.
THAT'S REAL.

I GUESS WE'LL
LEAVE YOU ALONE THEN.

- ( giggles )
- BYE.

- BYE-BYE.
- ( both laugh loudly )

( all laugh )

YOU'VE GOT TO SIGN ME
OUT OF FACEBOOK.

I'VE TOLD YOU THAT
A MILLION TIMES.

I WAS TRYING
TO GET MY TITO ON,

BUT FORGOT TO GET
MY SIGN-OUT ON. SORRY.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU WERE.

- I'M SORRY.
- IT'S OKAY.

( siren blaring )

- ( car door closes )
- SIR, DO YOU REALIZE HOW FAST--

- ( car chiming )
- O'MALLEY'S NON-ALCOHOLIC.

- YOU KNOW,
THIS HAS ALCOHOL NOW.
- WHAT? IS THAT SERIOUS?

YEAH. JUST DRIVE SLOWER.

Announcer: O'MALLEY'S
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER--

NOW WITH ALCOHOL!
SO DRIVE SLOWER.

( clangs )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *

Man:
TERRIFIC.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
YOU CAN GET YOUR ROCKS OFF?

- UNFORTUNATELY YES, SIR.
- DID YOU EVER TRY

LEAVING AN EMPTY
MAYONNAISE JAR IN YOUR CAR
FILLED WITH GROUND BEEF?

- YES.
- DID YOU EVER CUT
A DOLL HEAD IN HALF

- AND FILL IT WITH
CHOCOLATE PUDDING?
- YUP.

DID YOU EVER PUT
DOG FOOD IN YOUR PANTS

WHILE A PROSTITUTE PULLS
A BAND-AID OFF HER ARM?

YUP. I FILLED A BURRITO
WITH JELLO AND CAT HAIR

AND THEN SHOVED
A KITTEN ON MY DICK.

DID YOU EVER SEW VEAL
INTO A CATCHER'S MITT

- AND RENT "FACES OF DEATH"?
- I'D LOVE THAT, SIR.

I WOULD SAY
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME."