Original subtitles

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E.

THIS DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT. I THINK WE'RE LOST.

WE SHOULD HAVE NEVER GONE OFF THE TRAIL.

( howling )

- WE'RE GONNA DIE OUT HERE. - NO, WE'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

- I BROUGHT THIS. - A VIBRATOR?

- THIS IS TURNING YOU ON? - IT'S NOT JUST A VIBRATOR.

IT'S A SURVIBRATOR.

Announcer: SURVIBRATOR, THE WORLD'S

MOST COMPLETE SURVIVAL VIBRATOR.

IF YOU GET LOST IN THE WOODS,

YOU'LL HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED.

IT'S A NAIL FILE,

A SUNDIAL,

A GIANT BLACK FLASHLIGHT,

A FISHING POLE.

IT'S EVEN A TOOTHBRUSH.

AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE SURVIBRATOR CAN BE USED

- TO FIGHT OFF DANGEROUS ANIMALS. - ( howling )

THAT ALL SOUNDS GREAT, BUT CAN IT STOP ANTS

FROM CRAWLING IN MY ASS WHILE I'M ASLEEP?

Announcer: YES, IT CAN.

( Survibrator buzzing )

SURVIBRATOR! DON'T FORGET MOTHER'S DAY.

( rock music playing )

* THIS IS AN EMERGENCY...

HEY, EVERYBODY. MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE SHOW

MAY BE THE FACT THAT GAY ROBOT IS BACK ON THE AIR.

WE'VE WORKED TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME

AND I HADN'T SEEN HIM FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, SO IT WAS NICE TO SEE HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO THE LAST TWO YEARS?"

AND HE WAS LIKE,

( Gay Robot's voice) "UM, BLOWING DUDES?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, NO, THAT MAKES SENSE.

THAT MAKES SENSE."

( sexy voice ) ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK.

SIMION SARAMANDI HERE, READING ONE MORE LOVE LETTER.

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO MARIA FROM CARLOS.

HE SAYS, MARIA, YOUR EYES SPARKLE

LIKE DIAMONDS IN A SUNSET

AND THAT YOUR SMILE IS LIKE A WARM BLANKET

ON A COLD NIGHT.

WOW, THAT SOUNDS REALLY SPECIAL, YOU GUYS.

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST ON YOUR LOVE JOURNEY

AND MAY IT BE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS.

AND WE'RE ABOUT TO GET INTO OUR LOVERS' FORECAST,

BUT REAL QUICK, WE GOT A TRAFFIC UPDATE.

THERE'S A PILE-UP ON THE 405 NEAR THE 101 INTERCHANGE.

A SEMI HAS T-BONED SEVERAL DOZEN CARS,

LEAVING 25 DEAD AND MANY INJURED.

AMBULANCES ARE TRYING TO MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH,

SO TRY TO FIND AN ALTERNATE ROUTE.

I SUGGEST MAYBE TAKING HIGHWAY 69,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

TRAFFIC GOING IN BOTH DIRECTIONS

WITH TWO ERECTIONS.

DRIVE ON AND STAY HORNY IN THOSE CARS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S "CARELESS WHISPER."

HEY, UH, WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

- WHAT? I READ IT. - YEAH, YOU READ IT LIKE A SEXY GUY.

UM, THERE'S A LOT OF DEAD BODIES OUT THERE.

IT'S A PRETTY BAD MESS, SO COULD YOU TRY

AND READ IT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, PLEASE?

LOOK, MAN, PEOPLE TUNE INTO MY SHOW BECAUSE THEY WANT MY VOICE

TO MAKE LOVE TO THEIR EAR VAGINAS.

WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

HERE. IT'S ANOTHER UPDATE, OKAY?

NOW PLEASE, READ THAT WITH COMPASSION AND TRY AND BE PROFESSIONAL.

- TRY. - THAT'S FOR YOU.

GOD DAMN IT!

- ( soft music playing ) - ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

WE'RE ABOUT TO GET TO OUR LOVERS' FORECAST,

BUT ONE MORE TRAFFIC UPDATE.

A HUGE THROBBING PACK OF RABID COYOTES

HAVE COME OUT OF THE HILLS

AND ARE ATTACKING PEOPLE IN THEIR CARS

AS WELL AS THE CARCASSES ON THE ROAD.

CARC-ASSES-- THAT SOUNDS HOT.

SO IF YOU'RE STUCK ON THE 405 BY THE WRECKAGE,

STAY IN YOUR CAR AND AVOID BEING MAULED BY THOSE CRAZY COYOTES.

MAYBE CUDDLE UP WITH A LOVER AND SAY, "GET AWAY."

DEATH TOLL UP TO 30. SOUNDS HORNY.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

WHAT? YOU SAID READ IT WITH MORE PASSION.

NO, I SAID "COM-PASSION. COMPASSION."

I LOVE COME AND PASSION.

- ( light orchestral music playing ) - WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST, MOM?

- I'VE GOT YOUR FAVORITE. - Kids: CREEPIOS!

YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING CREEPY?

Kids: SURE, MR. CREEPY.

( guffawing )

WAIT! DON'T FLUSH.

MR. CREEPY, DON'T HANG OUT IN THE TOILET.

BUT I'M THE CREEPIEST.

( laughing )

HELLO, RACHEL. HA HA!

MR. CREEPY, BREAKFAST WAS FOUR HOURS AGO.

- BUT I'M STILL CREEPY. - I GUESS.

WAIT.

RACHEL. RACHEL.

YOU GUYS WANT CEREAL AS A SNACK?

Kids: YEAH, FRUITY BIRD.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

- FRUITY FOOO, FRUITY FOOO. - ( kids laughing )

( panicked ) FRUITY FOOO, FRUITY FOOO, FRUITY FOOO!

- FRUITY FOOO. FRUITY-- AHH! - ( spine snaps )

OH NO. MR. CREEPY...

- CREEPIOS IS THE BEST. - SHAME ON YOU, MR. CREEPY.

( whispering ) I THOUGHT YOU LIKED MR. CREEPY.

WELL, WE DO, BUT WE LIKE OTHER CEREALS TOO.

DON'T BE SO AGGRESSIVE. THAT'S TOO CREEPY.

I GUESS I'LL JUST STOP BEING CREEPY.

I MISS MR. CREEPY.

ME TOO.

COME ON, KIDS. READY TO GO?

- YEAH. - I GUESS SO.

WAIT, GUYS. DON'T FORGET YOUR BOOKS!

( laughing )

Both: MR. CREEPY!

( laughing )

- HEY, I'M BACK. - Kids: YAY!

HEY, DO YOU GUYS WANT SOME MORE CREEPIOS?

Kids: YEAH! YAY!

- YAY. - YAY!

THERE YA GO-- BREAKFAST.

YEAH, SO GOOD.

( kids cheering )

DUDE, I LOVE HANGING OUT AT THE WATER COOLER

AND TALKING ABOUT STUFF I'VE SEEN ON T.V.

ME TOO.

HAVE YOU SEEN "THE AMAZING RACE"?

YEAH, IT'S AWFUL.

I THINK IT'S KIND OF GOOD.

YOU WOULD. YOU'RE AWFUL.

WHOA! WHERE DID THAT GUY COME FROM?

OH, HE SMELLS HORRIBLE.

OH, HE CRAPPED HIS PANTS!

AW, THAT IS NASTY.

WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

- 2010. - IT WORKED.

THE TIME MACHINE WORKED.

TIME MACHINE?

WHAT ARE YOU, FROM THE FUTURE?

YES. I'M FROM THE YEAR 2041.

THE EARTH IS GONNA BE DESTROYED,

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO PREVENT IT.

NOW I'M SURE YOU HAVE MANY QUESTIONS FOR ME.

YEAH, DOES EVERYONE IN THE FUTURE CRAP THEIR PANTS, MAN?

NO.

- SO WE STILL HAVE BATHROOMS? - YEAH, WE DO.

- OH GREAT. - COOL.

UH, ANOTHER QUESTION: SO THE FOOD IN THE FUTURE

IS, LIKE, BABY DIAPER TACOS

FILLED WITH, LIKE, GOAT BALLS OR WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT SEEMS LIKE I'VE HAD

AN ACCIDENT TRAVELING THROUGH TIME,

SO I COULD WARN YOU ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD.

NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD WEAR A DIAPER.

OKAY, I THINK THIS IS A SIDE EFFECT FROM TIME TRAVEL, OKAY?

CAN WE JUST PLEASE TRY TO GET PAST THE FACT THAT I CRAPPED MYSELF?

- I'LL TRY, BUT YOU REALLY SMELL. - UH, YEAH RIGHT.

LIKE YOU DIDN'T DO THAT AT THE HOLIDAY PARTY.

THIS GUY-- BOOZY IN THE MUDSLIDE JUNCTION.

( blows raspberry ) JUST A MUD WATERFALL.

- YOU DID, MAN. - I WAS DRUNK, NICK.

I WAS DRUNK. YOU'RE NOT DRUNK.

- RIGHT? - NO, I'M NOT.

- HE'S SOBER. - SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, GOOKY GUY?

ALL RIGHT, WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP

SO I CAN EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW TO SAVE THE PLANET?

HEY, MAN, DON'T BE RUDE.

YOU LANDED IN OUR OFFICE FROM THE FUTURE WITH YOUR PANTS SOILED

AND YOU RUINED THAT'S-WHAT-SHE-SAID THURSDAYS.

LOOK, I'M SORRY I YELLED, OKAY?

BUT CAN WE PLEASE GET PAST THE FACT THAT I CRAPPED MYSELF?

ALL RIGHT, FINE. WE'LL GET PAST IT.

HOW DO YOU SAVE THE EARTH, FUTURE GUY?

OKAY, GREAT. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

NOW CONTACT THE LEADERS OF THE FREE WORLD--

- "DON'T -- YOUR PANTS." - ( zaps )

UH! OH...

OH GREAT, ANOTHER DOO-DOO BOY.

- WHAT YEAR IS IT? - 2010, STINKY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HEY, WAIT. ( sniffs )

THIS GUY DIDN'T CRAP HIS PANTS.

- IT'S FRESH. - HEY.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT, DOO-DOO BOY?

THEY MUST HAVE MADE ADJUSTMENTS TO THE NEW TIME MACHINES.

YEAH, THEY DID. THEY TOOK THE, UH,

DON'T-CRAP-YOUR-PANTS SWITCH AND THEY FLIPPED IT ON.

DO NOT DO IT.

HE BURNED YOU, DOO-DOO BOY.

HEY, QUIT CALLING ME DOO-DOO BOY

OR I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU HOW TO SAVE THE PLANET.

UH, WE DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.

WE HAVE ANOTHER FRESH FUTURE GUY

THAT DOESN'T REEK OF THE POOPIES.

( guys laugh )

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SAVING THE PLANET.

I JUST CAME BACK TO BET ON SPORTING EVENTS.

- I'M GONNA GO WITH THIS GUY. - DUDE, HOOK IT UP, MAN.

- YEAH? YOU WANNA BE HOOKED UP, HUH? - YES, PLEASE.

- YOU WANT SOME FUTURE KNOWLEDGE, HUH? - YEAH, DUDE!

HEY, IN THE FUTURE ALL THE WORLD LEADERS

AND ALL THE COOL PEOPLE -- THEIR PANTS.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE. - ( imitates buzzer )

- WRONG. - NICE TRY, MAN.

YOU MAKE US FUTURE GUYS LOOK BAD, MAN.

- RIGHT? - OKAY?

BRENDA, YOU WANNA CHANGE HIM?

IN HINDSIGHT, IT WAS A MISTAKE

TO HAVE THE SPACE BURRITOS.

I'M SORRY.

( lisping ) SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, PROFESSOR?

WELL, IT'S, UH-- YOU KNOW, IT'S CERTAINLY

AN INTERESTING IDEA, GAY ROBOT,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU NEED PUBIC HAIR.

I SAW THEM IN A MOVIE AND THEY LOOKED COOL.

( chuckles )

AH, PUBES.

OH, I HAVE A NEW TUTORING ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.

- HE'S OVER AT ALPHA TAU KAPPA. - ( gasps )

HIS NAME IS MARTY DONOVAN.

FORIZZEAL? I MET HIM EARLIER.

WE WERE WIZATCHING FAZOOTBALL.

GAY ROBOT, WHAT DID I TELL YOU

ABOUT ADDING Zs TO WORDS?

I'M SORRY. BLAME SNOOP. HE STARTED IT.

- YEAH, WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IT, OKAY? - OKAY.

NOW LOOK, MARTY NEEDS HELP IN PHYSICS

AND I THOUGHT YOU'D BE A PERFECT TUTOR FOR HIM.

YEAH, HIS EYES ARE LIKE BROWN DIAMONDS.

EXCUSE ME?

I MEAN, HE SMELLS LIKE A LAVENDER SCROTUM.

JESUS, GAY ROBOT.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU 100 TIMES,

PLEASE DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH MY STUDENTS, OKAY?

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU DID.

WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU ASKED BORIS FROM THE WRESTLING TEAM

IF HE WANTED TO WRESTLE HIS BALLS INTO YOUR MOUTH?

UM, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

WELL, I DO AND SO DOES BORIS.

WE CAN CALL HIM IF THAT'S GONNA REFRESH YOUR MEMORY.

- NO. OKAY, ALL RIGHT, I REMEMBER. - I KNOW YOU DO.

LOOK, IT'S JUST I GET LONELY AND I WANT A BOYFRIEND.

I KNOW, GAY ROBOT. I-- I GET LONELY TOO SOMETIMES.

YOU DO?

YEAH. WHY DO YOU THINK I BUILT A ROBOT?

YEAH. PASS THE TISSUES, WE ALL GOT ISSUES.

- ( both laugh ) - WELL, BE PATIENT, GAY ROBOT.

YOU'LL MEET A LUCKY FELLOW SOMEDAY, I PROMISE.

OKAY, WORD UP: PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

( rock music ends )

ALL RIGHT, AND WE'RE BACK.

AND ENOUGH OF THIS BUMMER TRAFFIC STUFF.

LET'S GO TO THE PHONE LINES.

- WE GOT A CALLER. YOU'RE ON THE AIR. - ( button clicks )

Man: Yeah, hi, Simion. I took Highway 69.

- There's a lot of other people out here too. - ( sirens blaring )

- I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. - Uh, no.

It ends in a cliff and people are driving over the end

and they're-- they're falling.

And now the people who've crashed

are being attacked by mountain lions.

- ( man screams ) - ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU GOING HOME TO A LOVER TONIGHT?

Uh, no, Simion. I'm really not in the mood.

I just saw a woman get dragged away by her scalp.

OH COME ON, MAN. EVERYONE'S IN THE MOOD.

- ( no audible dialogue ) - There's bodies everywhere!

- OH, ARE THEY NUDE? - ( lion roars )

Oh my-- it's a -- mountain lion! Get off me!

NO, I THINK YOU MEAN, "HEY, LION, WHY DON'T YOU MOUNT ME?"

- No, that's not what I mean! Ahh! - ( lion roars )

- ( people screaming ) - Oh my God, the beasts have my wife!

OOH, YOU HEAR THAT, LADIES?

THAT'S A LOT OF GROWL, IT LOOKS LIKE.

KAREN WANTS SOME MAKEUP SEX AND SHE IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

- ( lion growls ) - SIGN UP FOR THAT, PEOPLE.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - ( woman screaming )

KAREN, YOU'RE A FREAKY MOTHER--.

She's gone!

Karen! She's gone!

- No-- - NOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

WE GOT A SONG GOING OUT TO KAREN.

"SHE'S GONE" BY HALL & OATES.

AND WE'RE BACK NOW WITH GREG HAMPTON.

AT 65 YEARS OLD, MR. HAMPTON NAVIGATED

A RUNAWAY TRAIN TO SAFETY IN THE APPALACHIAN MOUNTAINS,

SAVING OVER 200 LIVES.

MR. HAMPTON, DID YOUR LIFE FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES AT ALL?

I MEAN, THIS REALLY COULD'VE BEEN THE END.

DID YOU FREAK OUT?

Uh, not really. I focused on the task at hand.

There was no time to freak out.

But I was concerned about my wife.

- I-- I thought of her for sure. - Well, of course.

AND SPEAKING OF THAT, WE HAVE YOUR WIFE HERE VIA SATELLITE.

Mrs. Hampton, what went through your head

when you heard that Greg was trying to take control

of a runaway train?

Oh gosh. Uh, just pure terror.

I WAS IN BED

AND I ANSWERED THE PHONE AND I FROZE.

WERE YOU ALONE?

NO, I HAD A FEW PEOPLE OVER.

AND DID YOU TELL THEM THE SITUATION?

NO, BUT THEY COULD TELL THAT SOMETHING SERIOUS

WAS GOING ON.

My swinger group quietly uncuffed each other

and untied their ball gags and gave me my privacy.

They could tell it was an intense time.

I'm sorry, w-- what was that?

WHEN I SWITCHED OFF MY VIBRATOR,

THAT'S WHEN EVERYONE KNEW THAT SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG.

NO ONE INTERRUPTS AN ORGY BEFORE EVERYONE HAS REACHED THEIR CLIMAX.

Yeah, it was the hardest phone call

I've ever had to make.

My wife is so sensitive.

I knew she'd have trouble dealing with that news.

And something horrific was about to happen.

I was in a frenzy.

I GOT UP TO GET MY ROBE AND I SLIPPED

ON A PUDDLE OF LUBE ON THE FLOOR

AND SMACKED MY HEAD ON THE FISTING ROBOT.

- I WAS OUT COLD. - THE FISTING ROBOT?

I heard the fall and I was really worried,

so I called the police and I made sure

they got over there immediately.

Which they did in record time.

They got me up, back in bed.

And they could tell that I was upset,

so they used the rest of the lube to massage my body.

Those men are the real heroes.

OKAY, I'M-- I CAN'T BE HEARING THIS CORRECTLY.

MR. HAMPTON, YOU'RE OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS?

I MEAN, WELL, DEALING WITH A RUNAWAY TRAIN IS NEVER EASY.

I-- I WASN'T REFERRING TO--

LOOK, I WAS JUST GLAD THAT MY HUSBAND WAS OKAY.

- THAT'S THE MAIN THING. - RIGHT RIGHT, SURE SURE.

WERE YOU ABLE TO SEE YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT AWAY?

June: NO, WHICH WAS HARD.

But luckily I had taken a violent amount of ecstasy

and the trannies had finished building our leather swing set.

Okay. Uh, well, thank you

for your time, Mrs. Hampton.

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS A... REAL ORDEAL.

IT WAS.

BUT IT ALL TURNED OUT OKAY.

I LOVE YOU, GREG.

- I love you too, honey. - June: BYE.

OH GREAT, THERE THEY ARE.

Greg: Ah, fistbot.

I miss you, bud.

Salt of the earth, that woman.

- I-- I couldn't imagine losing her. - YEAH, SHE'S A KEEPER.

Greg: I can't wait to get on that leather swing set.

OKAY.

NOW HE JUST WOKE UP FROM HIS COMA,

SO HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE GROGGY.

- OKAY. - I'LL GIVE YOU TWO A MOMENT.

- THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT.

HEY, BUDDY. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

( Eastern European accent ) I FEEL VERY NICE.

( heart monitor beeping )

WOW WOW WHEE WHOA.

HEY.

MY WIFE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. IT'S A MIRACLE.

NICK, YOU POOR THING.

WE MAKE SEXY TIME IN YOUR VAJIN?

WHY IS HE DOING A BORAT VOICE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WAIT A MINUTE, THE-- THE LAST THING THAT HAPPENED

BEFORE THE ACCIDENT WAS THAT WE SAW "BORAT,"

BUT THAT WAS, LIKE, FOUR YEARS AGO.

THE NURSE'S VAJIN LOOK LIKE SLEEPY LIZARD.

MY COUSIN BILO, HE GET THIS.

SO HOW LONG WILL HE TALK LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

PERHAPS I CAN HELP.

I'VE SEEN THIS PHENOMENON BEFORE.

I'M DOCTOR PHELPS.

HE HAS CHOCOLATE FACE!

YES, I DO, BORAT.

UH, CAN I SPEAK WITH YOU OVER HERE FOR A SECOND?

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Forrest, dial 118, please.

THAT WAS THE LAST THING THAT WAS ON HIS MIND.

WHEN WE ALL SAW THE MOVIE "BORAT,"

WE HAD A CHANCE TO PLAY AROUND WITH THE PHRASES

AND GET THEM OUT OF OUR SYSTEM.

NICK NEVER GOT THAT.

OH, SAD.

I SEE YOU, GYPSY.

YES, GYPSY.

DOES THIS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE OFTEN?

WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU OUR NEW WING.

Dr. Phelps: AS YOU'LL SEE, ALL THE PEOPLE HERE

ARE RECOVERING FROM COMAS THEY SLIPPED INTO

IMMEDIATELY AFTER SEEING ICONIC HOLLYWOOD MOVIES.

( British accent ) YEAH, BABY!

DO I MAKE YOU HORNY?

OH, BEHAVE.

OH, HE'S DOING AUSTIN POWERS.

TINA, EAT YOUR FOOD. GOD.

- THAT'S NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. - HE SAW A DOUBLE FEATURE.

"LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES,"

MAMA ALWAYS SAID.

FORREST GUMP? THAT WAS YEARS AGO.

SO WE'LL MOVE NICK OUT HERE FOR A WHILE.

WE'LL GIVE HIM REGULAR SPEECH CLASSES

AND EASE HIM OUT OF THAT BORAT PERSONA.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

- THE DOCTOR'S SENDING ME HOME. - CONGRATS, TIM.

( deep voice ) YOU STAY CLASSY, SAN DIEGO.

I MEAN, UH, TAKE CARE, GUYS.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.

DO THEY HAVE, UM, LIKE ACTIVITIES?

LIKE A REC ROOM?

SURE. THEY DO, UPSTAIRS.

- CAN THEY DO ARTS AND CRAFTS? - OF COURSE.

NICK.

I MAKE-A TOILET.

OH NO, NICK.

YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS.

COME GET THIS, GYPSY!

NICK! NICK!

Man: I'M READY!

I'M READY!

I'M READY!

Man #2: OH, BEHAVE!

I'M JUST SAYING I THINK I'M OWED.

WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

I'VE BEEN WITH THE COMPANY FOR SIX YEARS.

BORING. GET BACK TO WORK.

Announcer: HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS

HAPPENED TO YOU, WHITE PEOPLE?

YOU CAN'T SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

AND YOU CAN'T CONFRONT AUTHORITY.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED...

UH! A DEONTAY IN YO LIFE!

SIX -- YEARS!

YOU BEEN PIMPIN' THIS NERDY SWEET WHITE BOY FOR SIX YEARS.

YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE.

SEE, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT CERTAIN WHITE PEOPLE--

THEY WORK HARD, BUT THEN THEY GET PUSHED AROUND.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG

AND THEN THEY GET DISRESPECTED.

THEY JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN THEM TO BE LIKE,

"WHAT? OH, HELL NO."

OR "YOU BETTER BACK THE -- UP."

OR MY FAVORITE: "-- ALL Y'ALL!"

ME, ON THE OTHER HAND,

THAT'S HOW I DO IT.

DO YOU SEE THAT?

THAT -- IS LEAKING LIKE A TIJUANA ASS--.

NOW HE DONE TOLD YOU THREE MONTHS AGO

TO FIX THE GODDAMN PIPES, YOU FAT MOTHER--.

NOW LOOK-- HIS UGLY CLOTHES ARE RUINED.

DEONTAY, SON!

OH, HE'S OUTTA HERE 'CAUSE Y'ALL SUCK.

YOU TREATED HIM LIKE --.

HE'S SMARTER THAN ALL Y'ALL COMBINED

AND YOUR EYEBROWS NEED A TRIM.

AND LOOK AT YOU. HA HA, HEY, GIRL.

HE WANTED TO -- YOU.

HA HA.

AND HE PROBABLY WANTED TO -- YOU TOO!

SOMEBODY VALIDATE MY --!

Announcer: THAT'S 1-555-DEONTAY.

CALL NOW, WHITE PEOPLE,

AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.

SAY THE THINGS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

AND FOR A SMALL EXTRA FEE, HE'LL TRAIN YOUR PIT BULLS.

- STAY ON YOUR PROPERTY. - STAY ON YOURS, FOOL.

- LINE'S ON MY SIDE. - AIN'T NO LINE.

MAN, THIS FOOL DONE WENT AND HIRED HIM A RAY-RAY.

WHACK, 'CAUSE YOU STILL AIN'T DEONTAY, SON!

- Announcer: HIRE DEONTAY NOW. - UH!

- ARE THOSE SKINNY JEANS FOR FAT PEOPLE? - Ray-Ray: MAYBE.

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E. *

Man's voice: TERRIFIC.