Original subtitles

- I need some advice. - About what?

Doesn't matter, just go.

Never play poker with a man named after a city.

Where were you 25 years ago

when Toledo Tony cleaned me out?

You know, it helps

if you're more specific about these things.

Okay, fine. There is something that's been driving me crazy

forever, and I haven't complained about it because,

you know, healthy, bigger, better person.

But my husband owns a bar and I'm a recovering alcoholic.

And here's his non-alcoholic drink menu:

coffee, water and lemonade from a powder.

And yes, that's a real menu.

He actually printed that up.

So here's what I need to know from you:

why doesn't he love me?

Evel Knievel couldn't make the leap you just did.

It's not a leap.

Why can't he put some thought into it?

Why don't you put some thought into it?

Why don't you put some thought into it?

You're a creative person,

you certainly have some experience with drinking,

why don't you come up with something

and see if he'll put it on the menu?

Well, when you decide to give up therapy,

might I suggest Girl Scouts leader?

Someday, I'm gonna write a paper on you.

But not until I'm ready to be famous.

You're cranky. Does that mean

you're still not having sex with anyone?

I have a person I speak to about these things,

and it's not you.

Wait. You have a therapist?

All therapists have therapists.

So if you have a therapist and your therapist

has a therapist and that therapist has a therapist,

that means everybody in the world has a therapist,

and that means that I will be someone's therapist,

so you should really be paying me.

How am I the one who's still single?

(scoffs) I knew it.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --

I've got carrot, beet, turmeric for Jill.

Oh, that's me.

- Trevor? - Hey, Jill.

Oh, God, why now?

Hey!

Oh, pardon my appearance.

I just... I just ran five miles.

Oh, what a coinky-dink... I just ran six.

Really? Did a professional makeup artist run alongside you?

Oh! (laughs)

Oh, aren't you sweet?

- So how you been? - Good, good. Yeah, in fact,

- I was thinking about you last week. - Do tell.

Well, my allergies flared up.

And, uh, it was just a lot of sneezing.

(sniffles) Really moist.

And the Kleenex box cover that you gave me,

uh, really turned it into a positive experience.

Oh, and here I thought the only people

would be using that was your patients.

No, my nose is constantly running.

I ruin a lot of sleeves.

Hey, how about we change the subject?

Kale smoothie with lady boost for Trevor?

Subject changed.

I'm low in iron and folic acid.

Why should you gals have all the fun, huh?

(laughs)

Well, your secret's safe with me.

It's funny, 'cause I'm usually the one keeping the secrets.

(short chuckle) 'Cause of my work.

Oh, you must have some good ones.

Oh, I really do.

(laughs)

Oh, you want me to tell you.

No, I can't do that.

Although I would be way more fun at parties if I could.

(both laugh)

Oh.

Well, I should get going.

I was just about to say that.

- Sure you were. - No, no, no, really.

I-I say that all the time.

Here, allow me.

It's the other push.

There's that lady boost kicking in.

Just don't burst into tears on me.

Okay, mocktail number one.

This one has cold brew coffee, a little maple syrup,

vanilla bean and grated cinnamon.

- That sounds great. - Oh, wait, wait.

Oh, I love that sound. Remember whip-its?

Neither do I... They kill a lot of brain cells.

Bonnie, this is terrific.

I like it.

Okay, that's a thumbs up on Sunday Funday.

Mm-hmm.

- Next we have the Sparkly Pony. - Ooh!

Smells a little weird.

Awfully picky for someone

who used to drink toilet wine.

Please note the edible glitter on the rim.

Hmm.

Mmm!

I love it.

So do I, but I'm much too manly to admit it.

Yeah, you are.

You got a little glitter on your lip.

(whoops) Two for two.

This one... I call the Wishbone.

Taste it before I tell you what's in it,

but I'm pretty sure this is the home run.

(chuckles)

- What the hell? - That is nasty! (gags)

Maybe I put in too much turkey broth.

- What?! - It's a riff on Thanksgiving.

There's broth, cranberry juice, sage and muddled pumpkin.

I think you've got a muddled pumpkin.

- (laughs) - If you don't fly close to the sun,

you'll never get there.

Well, you're two-thirds of a whacked-out genius,

'cause those are great.

Seriously, keep going and we'll have a whole menu.

- You mean it? - Yeah, just nothing else meat-based.

Aw, so that's a no on the bacon gimlet.

- Actually, I'd like to try that. - It's called the Piglet.

Make it right now.

This is nice.

We never have lunch, just the two of us.

It is nice.

- I have a problem. - I had a feeling.

You know how sometimes you think you shouldn't

do something, but the universe is

telling you that you should?

Isn't it smarter just to listen to the universe?

How about you listen to what's in your heart?

Yeah, well, my heart says it wants me

to go out with Bonnie's therapist.

Your heart is out of its mind.

Didn't Bonnie make it very clear

that she's not comfortable with that?

Yeah, but I ran into him at my juice place the other day,

and he was sweaty and kind of goofy,

but for some reason, I can't stop thinking about him.

I had a BLT yesterday I can't stop thinking about.

Doesn't mean I should date it.

Taylor, what do you think?

I think Bonnie needs a therapist more than you need a man.

Now would you two order already?

Bonnie Plunkett is ruining my life.

How so this week?

Keeping in mind that our session is only 90 minutes.

The planets have aligned for me

in a way they never have before.

A lovely, sophisticated, kind, generous woman

has taken a liking to me, but I can't pursue it

because she's Bonnie's friend.

It's a clear ethical violation.

But she's so hot!

You didn't mention "hot."

But no.

But no one like her has ever been attracted to me before.

She was definitely head cheerleader.

My only friend was a gifted ten-year-old

taking a bunch of AP classes.

- You're angry. - He was my only friend.

I wasn't his.

I mean because you feel like you don't have choices.

- I don't. - But you do.

You could choose to take this as a positive affirmation

of your appeal to the fairer sex and move on.

Or you can choose the cheerleader,

quit your job and blow your life up.

You know I'm not gonna do that.

And why is that?

Because I really care about my work

and the people that I treat.

Including Bonnie Plunkett.

Which is why you're choosing not to date her friend.

As long as Bonnie's your patient,

it's completely off the table.

She's gonna be my patient forever.

We all have one of those.

(Trevor chuckling)

Hey!

Adam put the new drinks on the menu right away.

And people love them. They're a hit.

And that makes me feel like people love me and I'm a hit.

And you know who I have to thank for that?

Me.

I'm the one who said I need to find a new purpose in life.

God, I felt so stuck

when I first came here, and now I'm so productive.

I'm so happy for you, Bonnie.

Well, hang onto your happiness hat,

'cause you may be out $35 a week.

- What? - I don't think I need therapy anymore.

Go on.

I'm serious... I just needed a little confidence.

And now there's nothing stopping me.

I can feel in my bones my career is on the way.

And I'm gonna grab it and have a meteoric rise.

And, you know, Adam is gonna be so proud of me

when they're bottling my mocktails

and selling them in supermarkets.

Until he starts resenting me for outshining him,

which is ridiculous because I've done nothing

but show up for him and his bar,

but now that I make more money than he does, I'm the enemy?

Because I'll just be reminding him of his personal failures.

And he won't be able to take it, so he'll leave.

And without him, I'm lost and alone

and I'll never be happy again.

I think I need to come twice a week.

How's Thursday?

Can't do Thursday.

Spinach, cucumber, cayenne pepper.

And, no, I did not just have one.

- (panting): Jill. - What?

Twice in one week. What are the odds?

I minored in statistics... They're very low.

Ah, well, we got to stop bumping into each other like this.

(laughing): We really do. Goodbye.

Wait, you just got here.

I left my wallet at home.

Well, I can spot you.

Oh, no, no.

They barely respect me here as it is.

If a woman pays for my lady boost, I'm finished.

Goodbye.

This is a fire code violation.

Isn't he so hot?

You look great... why are you so dressed up?

I was told to expect a Sex and the City vibe.

You know, it's still just a bar with barrels for tables.

Look at us.

Out at a bar, martini glasses in hand,

but we're not drinking, so we won't wake up tomorrow

with soul-crushing regret

or our mug shots on the news.

- (laughs) - Who needs another round?

I do.

I don't have five hands. Tammy, help me out.

Mm, sure, I love waitressing on my night off.

I'm gonna hit the ladies' room.

This little piglet has to go "wee, wee, wee." (chuckles)

You know, like the toe thing for kids.

We got it, sweetheart.

Hey. Real quick, while Bonnie's not here,

um, I ran into Trevor again, accidentally on purpose.

Well, which one was it?

Accidentally for him, on purpose for me.

(chuckling)

Oh, save the judgy face.

He blew me off.

Oh, regardless, Jill.

You're just trying to see how close you can get

to doing something wrong without doing something wrong.

And you know what I call that?

Doing something wrong.

Adam says these are on the house,

but I disagree, so you can give me

your money directly.

Why is everything always about you?

What's your problem?

I finally found a guy I want to be with,

and you won't let me.

Well, unless it's my husband,

I don't know what you're talking about.

(scoffs) I don't want your husband.

I want your therapist.

Oh. You sure you don't want Adam?

I mean, no offense to Trevor.

He's cute in a "won't you be my neighbor" kind of way.

If you want to go out with Trevor,

go out with him.

But you said he's off-limits.

Yeah, but that was before I knew you were doodling,

"Mrs. Jill...

whatever-his-last-name-is" in your notebook.

You don't know your therapist's last name?

I barely know your last name.

The point is, if you don't like

where I stand on something, ask me again the next day.

Thanks to menopause, I will have either forgotten

or changed my mind.

You mean it?

Of course I do. You're my friend.

I want what's best for you.

- That's very generous of you. - It is.

BT dubs, everybody at this table owes me $8.50,

and I haven't heard my Venmo ding.

(sighs)

You were right.

- I don't like to read. - (door opens)

(grunts)

- Hey, babe. - Hey.

You and the ladies seemed to have fun tonight.

By the way, were you the one who left a note

in the tip jar that said, "Comb your hair"?

What? No. (chuckles)

But now that a complete stranger said it,

why not give it a try?

Anyway, it was cool having you guys there.

Yeah, we might make "not-drinking" at your bar

a regular Tuesday thing.

I love it when you're happy.

- I am. - Mwah.

- Although... - Oh, boy.

Jill said something to me that didn't bother me

at the time, but I'm starting to realize it enrages me.

She wants to date Trevor.

- That's weird. - Right?

My best friend and my therapist are gonna be

talking about me during sex.

(stammers) You really think that's gonna happen?

I talk about me during sex. Why wouldn't they?

Aren't you jumping the gun a little bit?

They haven't even gone on a date yet.

Well, things don't have to actually happen

for me to be upset about them.

That's why I stopped telling you about my dreams.

Why don't you call Jill

and find a way to work it out together?

That sounds rational.

Probably why it feels wrong.

- Can we be done? - Sure.

But seriously...

put a comb through your hair every once in a while.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(takes deep breath)

Oh, no.

Now I'm "not-drinking" alone.

Hey, do you know if he's in there with a patient right now?

Sorry.

You look like that neighbor who knows what's going on.

He has appointments at 11:00, 1:00 and 4:00.

Thank you. (chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

- Jill. - (chuckles)

This is a... What are you... What...

- Hi. - (chuckles nervously)

Um, you didn't come by the juice place this morning,

so I... I brought you a kale smoothie with a lady boost.

(chuckles) Wow.

I have a folic acid deficiency.

(chuckles)

Well, this is a very thoughtful gesture.

- (both laughing) - Mmm!

(chuckles): Whoa, a lot of ginger.

- Ah. (chuckles) - (clears throat)

Okay, confession time.

I like you.

Whew.

I've never been the first one to say that before.

(chuckles) Congratulations.

- I'm flattered. - (chuckles)

Red-hot flattered.

(both chuckling)

But...

- I cannot like you back. - "Cannot" or "do not"?

Because I talked to Bonnie,

she gave us a big ole green light.

Yay for Bonnie.

(both laugh)

But I still can't be interested.

See, now, that was a weird way to say that.

Your 1:00 will be here soon.

I know what time it is.

Actually, she's right, come on.

(clears throat)

Oh, boy. (sighs)

(whispers): Be strong.

Why can't you be interested in me?

Because your friend is my patient,

and that would be unethical.

Well, is there a scenario where we just don't tell anybody

and it makes it that much hotter?

Oh, how I've pondered that very question.

Mm. Unfortunately, all roads lead to no.

So you're saying you've pondered me?

My ego wants to believe

that you find me irresistible.

But...

my shrink-y sense tells me

that there's almost definitely something else going on here.

Yeah, what's going on is I'm used to getting what I want,

and I don't know what's happening.

Interesting, and this is a situation

where you've been told you can't have what you want.

First by Bonnie and then by me.

So... ?

So everyone has moments where they want something

that they can't have.

(sighs): Everyone.

The question is, why?

How do you characterize your relationships with men?

- Well, they start out great... - Mm-hmm.

And usually end in disaster.

That could stem from a fractured relationship

with a parent.

How are things with you and your father?

Not good.

Tell me more.

Oh, it's not much to tell.

Just your basic "Mom kills herself,

Dad wants nothing to do with you anymore" situation.

Jill, that sounds incredibly painful.

It is.

So what do you think, dinner?

I think your feelings have my face on them,

but they have nothing to do with me.

How are you doing this so quickly?

I would slow it down if you were paying me.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

Well, if we can't date, then...

can you be my therapist?

Not as long as I'm treating Bonnie.

God, why do you guys have so many rules?

It's not like you're real doctors.

I'm gonna tell myself that has nothing to do with me, either.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Have you just left my therapist's bed?

Did you talk about me during the deed?

No.

Trevor and I will not be getting married

and having adorable, emotionally attuned babies.

What happened?

Well, long story short,

he chose his relationship with you over me.

He did?

Wow.

(chuckles): I have to admit, I'm a little relieved.

I thought you were okay with it.

Well, who knows with me? I'm all over the place.

Poor Adam. No, he deserves it.

Why don't we order some mocktails and talk about

all the many ways life finds to disappoint us.

Here's one: mocktails.

They're starting to scare me.

What do you mean?

Back when I was drinking,

sometimes just knowing I was about to have a drink

gave me as much relief as actually having one.

Mm. I get that.

Just putting a bottle of Dom on ice

used to make me feel all safe and warm. (groans)

We drank so differently.

But, yeah, last night I was making a mocktail at home,

and I got the sense like the cavalry was coming.

It felt so good.

And that felt dangerous.

How lame am I?

I can't even handle pretend drinking.

Oh, honey, you got to do whatever you got to do

to protect your sobriety.

You know, if something brings you closer to a drink,

whatever that is, you shouldn't do it.

It's why I can't eat olives or go to Dollywood.

That's a shame.

Dolly Parton is a national treasure.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey, Arlo.

Hey, Bonnie. Can I get you guys something?

Club soda, no ice, no lime, no nothing.

And I will have a Sparkly Pony, please.

What? It doesn't bring me closer to a drink.

So, it turns out the list of things

I can't drink continues to get longer.

Can't have cocktails.

Can't have mocktails.

Can't have milk.

I mean, I can, but it becomes unpleasant

for the people around me.

I am impressed.

You saw what was happening and you did what you needed to do

to take care of yourself.

- You were in your own corner. - I was.

And you know who I saw there?

A guy named Trevor...

Wells? Really?

Huh, people at Ellis Island clearly got bored.

Really, Plunkett, you want to go there?

Well, anyway, thank you.

You could have chosen Jill, but you chose me.

My job is to take care of you, and I take that very seriously.

I know, but there were a lot of people in my life

who had that job and most of them pooped the futon.

But you were there for me,

and my respect for you is up to here.

And for what it's worth,

Jill would've been lucky to have you.

- You're a catch. - Thank you.

And did you say futon because you know I sleep on one?

This just in. Now you're here.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --