Original subtitles

Long, long ago in merry old England...

...there lived a warm and friendly, happy-go-lucky people...

...who lived life to its fullest.

Unfortunately, this movie isn't about them.

This movie is about another group of people.

A people so stern, so self-righteous...

...so sanctimoniously dour...

...that they even called themselves...

"Puritans.

This is the day of their departure from England.

A sad, sad day for one and all.

Anyway, the Puritans were setting out for the New World...

...where they could make the rules.

They wanted to build towns with curfews...

...schools with dress codes, restrooms with pay toilets...

...and they decided to do it in an obscure...

...far-off, backwoods colony of England.

A place called...

"America.

Sara.

Miles.

- Sara. - Miles.

- Sara. - Miles.

Miles, I've waited four long years for this moment.

Oh, Sara. Sara, you're even more beautiful than I remember.

Oh, we mustn't. Someone might see us.

So what if they do.

They passed a city ordinance...

...that strictly forbids public display of affection.

A law against kissing? You're kidding.

No, Miles, I'm not.

No kissing, no touching...

...no looking directly into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex.

No bathing.

- You can't take a bath? - Not if you're naked.

Well, that's ridiculous.

There's nothing wrong with the human body.

- Especially the one God gave you. - Miles.

Is that the sort of talk you learned in divinity school?

Well, no, not exactly at the school.

But in the locker room, all the guys talk like that.

You'd love them, Sara.

Real men of the world from Jamestown and Williamsburg.

All the big cities. Sara, there's a whole new world...

...just filled with new ideas and new ways of looking at things.

Do you realize it's almost the year 1700?

It's time for Salem to catch up with the rest of the world.

And I'm here to make sure it happens.

What do you mean?

You are looking at the new assistant minister...

...at the Church of Salem. I wanted to surprise you.

Oh, Miles, that's wonderful.

Oh, let's run tell Aunt Deliverance.

Oh, how about we celebrate a little first?

- How can he do this? - No.

No, stop it.

Stop.

No. No.

You gotta have more snap in your wrist.

- How's that? - It's much better.

A fiver? When did it go up to five?

Well, we did a little more today, didn't we?

Yeah, it hurt like hell, but it was worth it.

Well, I don't have the money on me.

I'm good for it, though. After all, I'm the mayor.

What say we put it on my bill?

Let's say you pay up. Or I collect from your wife.

My wife.

My wife! Yes, I have the money.

It's in the safety deposit box. You wait here. I'll get it.

What the--?

One, two, three and four and five.

- Allow me to help you, Your Honor. - I don't need any help. Thank you.

- But, Your Honor, the recent weather-- - My good fellow...

...I can assure you that despite my scholarly...

...and aristocratic countenance, I am indeed quite capable...

...as you can see, of extricating myself from a simple equestrian sedan.

Now piss off.

You fool...

Oh, great God!

Help me out! There's something biting me in here.

Get a grip on yourself.

Oh, no. It's the judge.

Yes, and we can certainly discuss that rezoning variance at the office.

Help me.

You're back.

Isn't that woman an adulteress?

Yeah, and a damn good one too.

Get inside, you spineless sensualist. We're in deep trouble.

I've just come from our bank in Boston.

We are on the verge of losing everything.

Why are you always so negative?

Now, you listen to me, you certifiable twit.

Thousands of settlers are pouring into these colonies.

Salem is becoming a real-estate gold mine.

We could've already owned everything if it wasn't for you.

Me? What did I do?

When the bank gave us all their money...

...it was to buy land, not finance one of your stupid schemes.

It was a good idea.

Edible chastity belts?

Well, you certainly ate your half of the profits.

You gimlet-eyed ferret.

How could I have ever let you put all this in jeopardy?

Puritan Village.

- Our American dream. - Luxurious condos.

- Filled with lusty housewives. - Executive-class office space.

Bustling with large-breasted secretaries.

And our biggest moneymaker:

- Ye Olde Heritage Mall. - A hangout for oversexed teenagers.

Shut up, would you? Shut up, you hedonistic degenerate.

Now, you get your mind out of the gutter and help me figure out...

...a way to get the people in this town to give up their land.

Oh, Daddy, Daddy.

I just had a fight with that horrible girl across the street.

She pulled my hair right out of my head.

- What girl? - The witch girl across the street.

Witch girl? ls the girl really a witch?

No, no, no. She means "rich" girl. She has trouble with her R's.

Witch, witch, dirty witch.

Oh, Belinda, be careful what you say, child.

After all, if the girl really were a witch...

...well, we'd have to burn her at the stake...

...and confiscate her family's land. No, we wouldn't want--

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- That's it. I've got it. - What?

If we were to harness the power of steam...

...into some kind of piston engine...

...why, we could then power huge vessels across the ocean...

...without the use of sails.

What?

Sorry, I was thinking of something else.

What I meant to say was this:

If we were to accuse the people in--

Belinda, sweetheart, why don't you run along?

No, I don't wanna.

- Belinda. - She's my daughter. I'll deal with this.

Belinda, hold this.

Get out of here. Get out.

Now go.

Your wretched little toad of a daughter--

- No offense. - None taken.

--Has given me an inspiration.

My friend...

...we are going to stir up a witch frenzy.

Accuse innocent people of consorting with the devil.

Give them a quick mock trial...

...mercilessly burn them at the stake.

And then...

Then confiscate all their land.

Is that legal?

Yes.

A pussy's a man's best friend

You can never count on a man

A pussy's a man's best friend, love

What a comfort to have one in hand

How sweetly my pussy

My sweet little pussy

Just give me my pussy to pat

Oh, thank you.

It was just something that came to me in bed this morning.

Aunt Deliverance, look who's here.

- It's Miles, back from divinity school. - Oh, how do you do?

Are you new to Salem?

Aunt Deliverance, you've known Miles since he was a child.

Oh, of course.

Go along with her. Act like we know each other.

But we do.

Why don't I fix us a nice pot of tea.

In the meantime, you and Miles can catch up on old times.

What old times?

So, Aunt Deliverance, how have you been?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

I had the most wonderful enema this morning.

At first, I thought nothing was happening...

...and then a low rumble started.

Anyway, I felt this whooshing...

-...and then-- - Excuse me, Aunt Deliverance.

I'll see if Sara might need my help in the kitchen.

Sara, what are you doing?

We were out of kindling. I didn't want to bother you.

Oh, Sara, step aside.

- You could get hurt. - Oh, Miles.

I beg your pardon.

Yes.

I wonder if you could help me.

My horse seems to have thrown a shoe.

To tell you the truth, I don't know much...

-...about shoeing a horse. - Oh, neither do I.

I just love the feel of riding a large brute of an animal...

...its power surging between my legs...

...its rippling flesh straining to my every command.

Yeah.

By the way, I'm Miles Campbell.

And I, sir, am Faith Stewart.

- How clumsy. - Allow me.

It seems to have gotten stuck under your...

Here, let me help.

Yeah, I have to get back to--

I've got to get back to my wood. I've still got a lot of chopping to do.

Looks like you've made quite a bit of progress to me.

Sara. Sara, are you all right?

Oh, I think so.

One minute I was awake, and the next minute I--

Miles. Did you do all that?

No.

And I don't know who did.

Was that really necessary, Mummy?

Child's play is the devil's workshop.

The game begins. Just the man we need.

Parson Babcock.

His mother is with him. I'm getting out of here.

- Parson? - Gentlemen.

Good afternoon, Mother Babcock. And how are we today?

- Half-dead. - That's nice.

Parson, I was praying that you could give us...

...a few moments of your time.

We have a matter of weighty importance...

...to discuss with you. It concerns your congregation.

Oh, yes. Well, I know attendance has been down of late.

Only three people last Sunday.

But I do plan to change all that.

As a matter of fact, I've invented a new game.

Bingo. Now, you have these little cards...

-...with numbers on them. - Cut the crap.

If you've figured out a way to get more stiffs into that church...

...we wanna hear about it.

Yes. Yes, we certainly have.

Now, would you like to discuss it over tea?

Fine. Let's all go to our house.

- Well, but-- - Push.

- Are we almost there? - Yep. Just a few more feet.

Careful.

- Go on, read it. -"Madame Dong's House of Rubbers"?

No, silly, that's upstairs. Read the sign below it.

Oh, Sara, Sara, you did it.

Your very own shop. Oh, just think.

Someday people all over the land may know Sara Lee...

...as the one who makes those delicious cakes and pies.

Do you think I should've used my full name?

What, Sara Lee? No, just Sara's fine.

Oh, you know, Sara, this is what America's all about.

Having a dream, watching it grow.

Oh, Sara, we're so lucky to be young and in love and in Salem.

Witchcraft is a most serious charge.

But sadly...

...there is much more proof, Parson.

Isn't that right, Mr. Mayor?

What?

Why don't you tell the parson the eerie tale concerning your brother.

The brother...

...that had the strange and supernatural experience.

I don't have a brother.

My brother had a strange, supernatural experience.

Ever since we were little kids...

...my brother...

...well, he always hated lima beans.

And this one night...

...it was a very scary night.

There was thunder and lightning and a full moon.

My brother...

...he ate...

...three helpings of lima beans.

I was so scared, I blacked out.

Yes, well, that is a frightening story.

But I still think you'll have a difficult time...

...convincing the good people of this town...

...that such evil dwells among them.

Really, Parson?

Ohm'!-

I didn't want to have to submit you to this horror.

But I'm afraid you give me no choice.

This is Mrs. Elizabeth Goodbody.

An innocent young woman...

...who was demonically transformed into a piece of granite.

- Dear God. - I ask you, Parson.

Is this to be the fate of the people of our community?

Do you want to go down in history...

...as the man who let Salem turn into a quarry?

Well...

No.

Time is running out, Parson.

What are we going to do?

So.

You've finally come to your senses.

Come to realize what I've always known.

That the sons and daughters of Lucifer...

...have been allowed to run free in this town for much too long.

Now is the time for decent, God-fearing people of this town...

...to unite and spill the blood of the wicked.

I say we cut out their slimy guts and burn them to a crisp!

Faith.

Faith.

Faith!

Your cousin is speaking to you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Abigail. What did you say, darling?

I said, I guess you must find our little town pretty dull...

-...after your life in London. - Oh, not really.

Why, just today I saw something that got me so excited.

Really?

You know, the way you've been shaking...

...that fancy tail of yours all over town...

...it's a wonder you haven't ended up in the stocks.

Nathaniel, Faith is our guest.

That reminds me, missy...

...just how much longer can we expect the pleasure of your company?

Nathaniel, may I remind you, Faith is in mourning.

I should hope so. Seven husbands in two years?

She's jammed more pork than a Salem sausage-stuffer.

Well, I do hope your new room pleases you, Miles.

- Oh, yes, yes, Parson. It's just perfect. - Mummy serves breakfast at 5 a.m.

One egg, hard-boiled, and a glass of water.

You miss it, you don't eat until suppertime.

- What about lunch? - What's lunch?

It's the meal you eat in the middle of the day.

That's funny, Mummy's never mentioned it.

Thank you, Sara.

Well, well, well, what a happy day this has turned out to be.

Miles has returned triumphant from university...

...and our two lovebirds are together again.

- I think a toast is in order. - Please, allow me.

To Sara...

...only the sweetest flower in all of Salem.

- What happened? - I couldn't help myself.

It was like something had me by the wrist.

- Exactly. - Why, just this very day...

...the mayor and Judge John were talking about--

Look, by the window. A face.

They're gone.

Well, at least you got a good look at them, Parson.

Dear God.

I've been struck blind.

Extra, extra. Get your papers here, sir.

Parson Babcock, bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

Extra, extra. Parson Babcock, bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

Salem

Salem

I'm so down on my luck

Well, I been blinded by a witch

And my mama

She's a mean o!' nasty

Hey? yes?

- Come on, you idiot. - Just one moment, please.

- Get the lead out, lard ass. - I'm coming.

The church is packed. We're gonna make a killing.

This is working out better than I dreamed.

The parson going blind? It's a godsend.

- He actually believes it was a witch. - Yes, but what if it was?

Please, don't be a complete idiot.

We made this whole thing up, remember?

- I'm not stupid, you know. - There are no such things as witches.

Look at those fools, praying for us to take away their homes.

Hello.

Hello.

I do beg your pardon for my sudden brashness...

...but I didn't hear your gentle footsteps coming upon us.

Yeah, you nearly scared the shit out of me.

Please forgive my ill-mannered friend.

He was reared by savages.

How exciting.

Listen, if you're not doing anything later...

...would you like to drop by my place?

We could have some lovely, delicious, edible...

Chocolates.

Would you care to accompany your family to church today?

We've just been talking about chocolates...

What a lovely couple.

Exceeded only by the loveliness of all of you.

Please. Mind the puddle.

Thank you.

I'm fine. I enjoy this.

- It's so good to be here. - I'm delighted to see you again.

Parson.

Is that you, Mrs. Fargate?

Pay now, pray later.

Mummy, shouldn't we wait till after the services to pass the plate?

This is our best day ever. We can't afford to take any chances.

Good morning, Parson.

- What on earth is this? - It's my pussy.

Come along, Aunt Deliverance. We're holding up the line.

Book. Take it. Pass it down.

- Hi, Miles. - Oh, I was just looking for you.

- What, is he next on your hit list? - Nathaniel, lower your voice, please.

Why? Why shouldn't the whole town know...

...what kind of a woman she is?

Nathaniel, you're embarrassing us.

Me?

I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Nathaniel, please.

I can't help myself.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

And what a beautiful morning it is, I might add.

First of all, I would like to thank our organist Miss Porter...

...for the lovely music.

- Thank you. - Drunk again.

Today, I have prepared a most important sermon.

Here, here. Give it to me. I'll prompt you.

Something evil has come over this town.

Something evil has come over this town.

- Something so unbelievable... - Something so unbelievable...

...that I hesitate to speak its name.

...that I hesitate...

- To speak its name. - To speak...

- Its name. -It is...

- Name. - Name.

- Get on with it, you flaming asshole. - Get on with it, you flaming asshole.

He means witchcraft.

Right now, as I speak...

...there are, sitting among us...

...demons from hell.

Posing as your loved ones.

Sisters.

Brothers.

Fathers.

And mothers.

Here to do Satan's bidding.

We must root them out...

...and drive them back...

...to the fiery pit from which they came.

- You know what that means? - Yes.

- Give me a B. - B.

- Give me a U. - U.

- Give me an R. - R.

- Give me an N. - N.

What's that spell?

Do I buy a vowel?

What's that spell?

Oh, come on, give it a shot. B-U-R-N.

Is it...

-..."witch"? - Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's not "witch," you idiot.

Nice try.

It's "burn"!

- And what are we gonna do? - Burn them!

- What are we gonna do? - Burn them.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Get out there and barbecue the bastards!

Yeah!

Wait here.

This is the place. Get her.

I'm innocent. No, please. Please, no...

Elvira Hutchinson...

...you are hereby ordered to stand trial for witchcraft.

I'm innocent! I'm innocent!

Did you say Elvira Hutchinson?

- Yes. - Oh, well, I'm Constance Van Buren.

I know that I speak for everyone...

...when I offer you our humblest apologies.

Oh, that's all right.

- These things happen. - Oh, yes.

And perhaps I can be of service to you.

I know where the Hutchinson place is.

Follow me.

I swear she's a witch.

What about the trial? I'm scared. What if they're found innocent?

Oh, no, no, no. Not with you defending them.

Stand up.

Raise your right hand.

By the power vested in me, Judge Samuel John...

...I hereby appoint you public defender.

Public defender? You can't do that. I don't know anything about the law.

I know.

You...

...a public defender.

And you, a judge-

- Mrs. Ogelthorpe. - Come along, girl.

It isn't every day my granddaughter has her 16th birthday.

I really think you're gonna like what I did with this cake.

I designed it especially with you in mind.

Why, it's a...

And then she screamed...

...ran out of the shop and got the mayor.

What did he do?

He asked me if I could make one for his daughter.

I'm telling you, it happened, Miles.

And then the whole shop changed back.

- Are you sure you didn't imagine this? - No, I didn't imagine it.

It really happened.

It was just awful.

- What's so funny? - I was just thinking.

I'd sure like to have seen old Mrs. Ogelthorpe's face...

...when she opened up that cake box and found that great, big--

Miles, don't you dare.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Miles, I'm scared.

They're gonna start the trial tomorrow. I'm afraid...

-...something terrible is gonna happen. - Don't worry.

There are laws in this colony that protect people.

Besides, Judge John is far too smart to be taken in by all this hysteria.

- You think so? - Believe me, Sara.

A few years from now, no one's gonna ever remember the Salem witch trials.

I hope you're right.

Hey, look.

- It's our tree. Oh, they're still here. - I remember the day we carved them.

I remember something else that day.

It's the first time you ever kissed me.

That's funny, I don't seem to remember that.

Was it something like this?

No.

Well, then, how about like this?

Sara.

- Yes? - Will you have my baby?

I told you I didn't like it when you talk like that.

No, Sara, wait.

I meant after we were married.

You will marry me, won't you, Sara?

Oh, Miles, of course I'll marry you.

I'm sorry, Miles, did I hurt you?

I don't know if I'll make a good husband after today.

- But I'll try. - Nonsense, Miles.

You'll make a wonderful husband.

And we'll have a wonderful life here in America.

And our children will know what it's like to taste freedom...

...to live in a land where everyone has the right to be who they are...

...where there is liberty and justice for all.

Guilty.

- I second that. - But you're my lawyer.

What?

Your Honor...

...I'd like to move for an appeal.

Appeal denied.

- Well, we gave it our best shot. - Will the defendant please rise.

Joshua Tupper.

You have been found guilty of witchcraft.

However...

...since this is your first offense...

...I'm going to be lenient.

I hereby order the accused to be burned at the stake.

No fine.

No! No!

Keep your voices down. Deputy. Where's my deputy?

Deputy Fire reporting for duty, Your Honor.

- I'd like some order in this courtroom. - Well, consider it done.

- Well, do it. - Practically done.

- Do it. - All right, calm down. Calm down.

The show is over. O-V-E-R, over.

Quiet. All right, you asked for it.

Nip, nip, nip it in the bud.

Good thing I had my bullet.

All right, step right up. Test your strength.

Come on, sir. Get out here and show us what you can do.

Hey, that witch-dunking is great. Did you try it?

You know, not only are we making a fortune...

...but the people are having such a good time.

- Hello, Mrs. Johnson. - Hello.

How do they bend her like that?

I have no idea.

Someone's burning, my Lord

Kumbaya

Someone's burning, my Lord

Kumbaya

Oh, Lord, Kumbaya

- Where the hell is everybody? - Oh, they're all on holiday.

- Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. - So what?

I told you, we're having it with the Indians this year.

- Don't you remember? - Indians. What moron thought that up?

Well, I did. I'm hoping to convert a few.

If you do, maybe we can throw them a few love beads...

...and get them to fork over Rhode Island.

- Oh, you rolled me through horse shit. - Sorry, Mummy.

Well, don't just stand there. Come on, get me to the water pump.

Come on, mush. Mush.

The game, my friend, has finally ended.

The last deed is ours...

...and the sweet fragrance of victory fills the air.

By this time next week...

...our bank in Boston will have sent us the money...

...to begin construction.

God. I feel so good.

I think I'll go out and have somebody whipped.

No. No, on second thought, I'll whip them myself.

I could use the exercise.

I trust I can leave you alone.

What?

Nothing.

Sorry, I didn't hear you come in.

- I wanted to surprise you. - Me?

- Yes, you are the mayor, aren't you? - Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

I was just down there on official business.

Yes, well, I too am here on official business.

Thank you.

There is someone I would like to accuse of witchcraft.

Her name is Sara Lee, the bakeshop girl.

I believe she's a witch.

Well, she doesn't have any land.

I mean, she's just a poor little orphan girl.

You're not trying to protect her, are you?

Why, people might get the wrong idea and think that you are a witch.

What?

And you're much too cute to burn.

Yes, I am.

Burn? Wait a minute.

They can't burn me. I'm the mayor.

They won't burn me.

- I think you'd better read that. - What?

It says, "Salem Brick Company."

No, the other side.

"You're next." Me?

Oh, no, that's not possible.

You've gotta help me. Please. I'll do anything you say.

- Here, sign this. - Sure.

There.

- Oh, you are such a very brave man. - I am?

Oh, yes, you are.

And now I'd better get these papers over to the mob--

Oh, I mean the committee. Kiss, kiss.

Wait.

I'm not doing anything later.

That's right.

I think she likes me.

Sara.

Sara, just get a few things together. We have got to get out of here.

Miles, what are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere.

They are coming to get you, don't you understand?

You've been named a witch.

Miles, don't be ridiculous. Everyone in this town knows me.

Hold it! Hold it!

I've never hurt a soul.

- These people are my friends. - Sara Lee...

...you are hereby ordered to stand trial for witchcraft.

Look, you stay here. I'll try to talk to them.

People of Salem! People of Salem! Listen to me, listen to me!

I implore you. Think about what you're about to do.

Now, has there ever been anything about Sara Lee...

...that was the least bit suspicious?

Wait! I know what you're all thinking.

You're thinking you all saw a bunch of black cats just run out of that house.

- Yeah! - Well, that's Sara Lee.

She's such a kidder.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I am a man of God...

...a graduate of Harvard Divinity School.

Don't you think I'd know a witch if I saw one?

If she's not a witch, then what do you call that?

A miracle?

Miles!

Miles, help me.

Let's get her!

There she is. Get her!

Yeah, come on.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Come Thanksgiving...

Just a minute. I'd like to have a word with you.

I'm sure Abigail needs my help with dinner.

She's not home.

It's just the two of us.

I'm really not in the mood for this, Nathaniel.

Who are you kidding?

You've been after me since the day you walked in this front door.

Get out of my way.

Oh, come on. I've seen the way you look at me.

Now, look, a real man like me is kind of hard to resist.

Come on. I never met a bird yet I couldn't have.

Oh, my God.

You're beautiful.

Are you alone or with someone?

My name is Nathaniel. I'm an Aries.

Oh, what a tail.

I demand to see her. We're engaged. Have you no heart?

No visitors. Judge's orders. That's the last time I'm telling you.

Eight o'clock and all's well!

Come back in here. Come back here, you--

Eight o'clock and all's...

...well!

Eight o'clock and all's well!

It's 8:05, you asshole.

Eight-oh-five and all's well!

Come on, don't be gentle. Use force.

Use the vegetables!

Bruises, I want to see bruises!

A bottle of champagne, and make it the best you got.

- Hello, lovey. - Widow Chastity.

I was just thinking about you.

I'm sure you were.

And I bet you was thinking:

"I wish Widow Chastity were here so I could pay back...

...all my gambling debts and have myself a little peace of mind."

Well, not exactly, but...

But you'll get your money back, I promise.

- You said that the last time. - I did?

Oh, yeah. Well, I was lying that time.

- It's not nice to lie to people. - I know.

Someone's feelings could get hurt.

Okay-

You'll get the money. The judge and I, we got a big scheme cooked up.

We're gonna make a lot of money.

Well, you tell the widow lady all about it, lovey.

I swear it's the truth.

I got the deeds back at my house. If you like, we could cut you in.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you, dear.

- I shall give that some thought. - There go my piano lessons.

- This one's on the house, lovey. - Thanks.

But you make sure they don't burn me.

Don't worry about it. The burnings are over.

Sara Lee's the last one.

- They're gonna burn Sara Lee? - Yeah. What's your problem?

Is she your daughter or something?

Put me down!

Look out!

Did you see that? Did you see that? She did it again.

That little blond is tough.

Nathaniel, supper's ready.

Nathaniel?

I just want you to know this isn't a one-night stand.

You know, I just can't take this sneaking around.

We just-- We just gotta tell her.

We just gotta tell her.

We gotta.

There. Now everyone will know who you are.

Honored brothers, we want you to eat, drink and be merry.

And please remember, everyone here is your friend.

Everyone please be seated.

Let's begin our special meal.

Before we begin, please...

...let's give thanks to our Lord.

In the beginning, God created the Earth.

- What is he doing? - He's holding up a pipe...

...and our damn dinner.

I think what our red brother wants us to do...

...is to smoke the pipe of peace with him.

Oh, I get it.

What he wants us to do is to take a puff...

...hold the smoke in--

Obviously, as a symbol of one's inner strength.

Oh, here, give me that.

I'll show you inner strength.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What is this?

The same thing we served last Thanksgiving.

The very same thing.

I sure hope the parson doesn't make it rain in here.

I think you're right.

Oh, I gotta get this food over to Sara. She's probably starving by now.

Bye.

- So long, chief. - How?

You just say when, chief. I know how.

Sara, it's me.

- Miles, I'm so glad to see you. - Sara, are you all right?

- No. - What's the matter?

I'm in jail.

Besides that, are you all right?

I guess so. Miles, what am I gonna do?

I don't know.

But there's gotta be a way to prove that you're innocent.

You are innocent, aren't you?

Of course I am. I can't explain what happened at the house...

...but I didn't do it. Please believe me.

Oh, Sara, I believe you.

Things are just not what they seem to be.

Maybe all the others were innocent too.

Well, I'm not gonna rest until I find out the truth.

- No matter how long it takes. - You only got 36 hours.

Well, I better get going. Wait a minute.

Here. It's turkey.

- Miles? - Yes?

I love you.

Oh, I love you too, Sara.

Abigail.

There's something I gotta tell you.

And I can't keep it from you any longer.

Now, Nathaniel, you just sit right down here...

...and you get ready to eat, and we can discuss it over dinner.

Thank you, dear.

You know, there's a good-luck story attached to this dinner.

You won't believe it, but this bird...

...was wearing a diamond ring when I chopped its head off.

Nathaniel?

Nathaniel, there's plenty for everyone.

This was a good man.

He was kind and generous.

He was loving and hard-working.

Miles, can you come by the house tonight? I must see you.

It could save Sara's life.

All right. If it's that important, I'll be there.

He was our strength.

He was our inspiration.

And we will all sorely miss our old dear friend...

-...Milton Crabtree. - What?

This is the Baxter funeral.

You know, the degenerate with the turkey.

May we please have a moment of silence now for Nathaniel?

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Help! Somebody help me!

- My pussy. Somebody grab my pussy. - Madam, please.

Don't just stand there. Somebody grab that woman's pussy!

Heel.

Get off me.

Stop, stop. You damn dog...

...I'm gonna break your legs! Stop. I'll kill you.

Parson, Parson, are you hurt?

Miles, I believe I understand the true meaning of Easter.

Where is Mummy? Is she all right?

Well, it's hard to tell.

No one will get close enough to examine her.

- Miles Campbell? - Yes.

I must speak to you. Alone.

Widow Chastity!

I have certain inside information concerning Sara Lee.

- Did you say Sara Lee? - I'm sorry, this is strictly confidential.

You may speak freely in front of the parson.

Why, he'd risk his very life to save Sara.

Yes. Did I say that?

I mean, certainly I'd pray for her, and I wish her all the luck in the world--

Parson, please, we don't have time.

The information I have could cost us all our lives.

Now, let's start walking.

We don't want to draw attention to ourselves.

Miles?

- Oh, Mayor Upton. - Sara.

What are you doing here?

As public defender, it is my duty to plead your case at tomorrow's trial.

Now, I'll do everything in my power to get you off, but first...

...I must ask you to sign this.

But this is a confession.

What? It's impossible.

"I do hereby confess." Yes, it is a confession.

These legal matters are beyond both of our understanding.

But sometimes a signed confession could be instrumental in proving...

...one's innocence. Sign.

Mayor Upton, are you sure you know what you're doing?

My life depends on your defense.

Well, of course I know what I'm doing.

I've done dozens of these cases.

But you've lost every one of them.

That's true. That's true, I have.

But then, odds are, I have a win coming up.

Mayor Upton, I really am innocent.

Oh, yes, I know.

And there isn't a single person in town who doubts that.

Burn the bitch.

Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

You said you found a way to save Sara.

Oh, yes. Please come in.

I've been waiting for you.

It's awfully hot in here. Would you mind if I open a window?

Sara! Sara! Always Sara.

Do you think Sara could ever look like this?

Well, maybe with a little makeup and the right clothes.

Enough!

Tonight I'm going to make you forget Sara was ever born.

Come.

Come to me, Miles.

Holy shit.

Come give your love to me.

Give it to me.

Give it to me. I demand it.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes, Abigail.

Everything is fine. I was just reading the Bible.

- Well, nighty-night. - Nighty-night.

Come to me, Miles. Give it to me. Give it to me.

- Oh, Parson. - Miles, is that you?

I'm so sorry I'm late.

You don't know what I've been through.

That's fine, tell me later. Miles, what are you wearing?

It's an apron. I stole it off a clothesline.

Good grief, man. Remind me to raise your salary.

- Well, looks like everyone's asleep. - Now, listen to me.

- Priscilla knows everything. - Priscilla!

We have her allegiance. She said she has left the window open.

Wait a minute. She knows we're doing this?

But Priscilla's the mayor's wife.

Yes, she is.

But she's also the parson's girlfriend.

Now, please, help with the window.

Okay-

Miles, look out.

What was that?

Get up.

It's nothing. Go back to sleep.

Okay, where do you think the study is?

Oh, I think it's this way.

Parson.

Perhaps it's this way.

Quiet.

That was definitely something.

What was something?

It's on your foot.

That.

Didn't you hear that?

There's someone in this house. I'm getting my guns.

Now, be quiet.

Follow me.

- Parson? - Yes.

- This is it. - We're going to die.

No. This is it.

It's a scale model of that Puritan village...

...the one Widow Chastity told us about.

- Oh, good. - Now, all we have to do...

...is find some proof to take with us. Here. Hold this.

And stand over here.

I'm gonna look around.

- Maybe I should go for help. - Nonsense.

I'm sure there's nobody in there!

Miles, hurry. Somebody's coming.

Oh, I've looked everywhere.

Parson. You found it.

What?

What's going on?

You missed me.

Have some respect for your elders.

That's what happens when cousins marry.

It seems to be stuck.

What? That's impossible. Here, let me try.

See, I told you it was nothing.

Now can we go back to bed?

"Now can we go back to bed?"

All rise for the Honorable Judge John.

- Morning, Your Honor. - Be seated.

- There you go. - This court is now in session.

I have before me the charge of witchcraft...

...in the case of The Colony of Massachusetts Bay...

...v. Sara Lee.

Sara Lee...

...under the laws of this colony, my dear, you will be judged fairly...

...by a jury of your peers.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Does the counsel for the defense have anything to say?

Yes, Your Honor.

The defense intends to prove that...

...my client is innocent of all charges.

Does the prosecution have a statement?

Yes, Your Honor. The prosecution intends to prove...

...beyond a shadow of a doubt...

...that Sara Lee is guilty of witchcraft!

Order. Order in the court. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Now then, let's begin with the prosecution.

Call your first witness.

Mother, you today are just too much for me.

God help us. So heavy.

Dear God, do you have the dog in there with you?

Oh, I can't let Miles down.

Oh, Mummy. How could you let me oversleep?

Wait right here. Wait right here.

I'm coming, Miles. Don't you worry. I am coming.

Parson. Parson, over here.

Order in this court. Settle down.

Where is she?

All right, Mrs. Johnson, will you continue, please?

Thank you, Your Honor.

She's a witch, all right.

I saw her, clear as day, call upon Satan.

And is that woman in the courtroom now?

She most certainly is.

And would you point her out for the court, please?

That's the one! Burn her.

Burn her! Burn her...

...before it's too late.

Parson, hand me the map. This is our chance.

Please, settle down.

This is a court of justice, a court of law.

Parson, this is wrapping paper. Where's the map?

Oh, dear. Oh, no.

I have no idea. If that wasn't it, then I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, order, please! Settle down. This is a court of justice.

Now, I think we've heard about enough from the prosecution.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you have a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

But, Your Honor, you haven't heard my defense yet.

Yes, and that's the law.

Oh, all right. If you're gonna nitpick...

All right, does the counsel for the defense...

...have any witnesses he would like to call to the stand?

None that I can think of, Your Honor.

Yes. One. The defense calls...

...Dr. Joyce Brothers to the stand.

Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth...

...the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

- I do. - I'm a big fan of yours.

Really? Thank you so much.

- So, Dr. Brothers, is it? - Yes.

And you are a doctor of what?

A doctor of psychology, and I know exactly what the problem is here.

Well, then maybe you'd like to share it with the entire court?

All right. What you have here in Salem is a case of mass hysteria...

...brought on by repressive religious doctrines...

...which, in turn, stifle individual sexual expression.

This repressed sexuality, coupled with intense moral guilt...

...produces a violent psychological backlash...

...which often takes the form of homicidal paranoia...

...in which innocent victims are imagined to be tormentors.

In this case, Sara Lee is the innocent victim...

...and her accusers are the real tormentors...

...desperately in need of a good orgasm.

That's a load of shit. I say we burn the bitch.

Bailiff, take that heretic out of here. We'll burn her later.

Any more witnesses for the defense?

The defense calls Annabelle Porter to the stand.

How can you eat at a time like this?

Oh, well, ever since you told me about lunch, I haven't missed a one.

In what way do you know the defendant?

Well, as most of you know, I run the local orphanage...

...and I met Sara when she was left as a foundling on my doorstep...

...almost twenty years ago. All this witch stuff is pure nonsense.

Why, she spent the last year giving her free time to teaching...

...my girls singing and dancing.

As a matter of fact, I've brought three of her pupils here to show you...

...what wonderful progress she has made.

- Your Honor? - Oh, go ahead.

Girls.

Now you might pray to God, y'all But I like Lucifer best of all

Don't keep Satan waiting Don't keep Satan waiting

Sunday school is a place for fools It's hot in he", but the devil's cool

Don't keep Satan waiting Don't keep Satan waiting

So don't just sit there, join the club Se" your soul to Beelzebub

Now, now, don't keep him waiting Don't keep him waiting

You know he's waiting Anticipating the celebrating

Don't be afraid to come visit Hades This way to he"

Get down, get down This way to he"

Get way on down This way to he"

He's underground

Now does the jury have a verdict?

- We have, Your Honor. - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. It's my fault that she is the way she is. Burn me in her place.

- Why? - Because I'm...

Because I'm--

I'm her mother.

Excuse me, excuse me. This isn't family court.

I don't give a damn who you two are. Do you have a verdict?

- We have, Your Honor. - Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute! - Oh, no. Not another relative.

I have in my hands the proof that Sara Lee is innocent...

...and that you, Judge John...

...and you, Mayor Upton, are the guilty ones.

You are incredibly out of order!

Listen to me. Listen to me.

They have been burning innocent people and taking their land.

It's all here in the map of Puritan Village.

Here, look for yourselves!

He's a witch!

Burn them.

Burn them.

Burn them.

Burn them both.

Bum them both?

Both.

Sara Lee. Miles Campbell.

Prepare to meet your maker.

Sara, I want you to know, I'll always love you in this world and in the next.

Oh, Miles. I'll love you till the day I die.

Light n.

- Light it. - No.

- You're fired! - I quit!

- All right. You, light it. - Me? Why me?

Because I'm bigger than you are. Now, light it.

- Light it, you fool. Light it. - Burn them.

No! Listen to me.

Do not do this. These good people are innocent.

- Get away. - No, by God, I will not let you do it.

- Stop it. - Get back! Get back.

There's your witch.

No shit, Sherlock.

That's right. I'm a witch.

And, of course, if any of you had any brains, you'd know who's behind this.

Oh, boys!

You're not going away without a farewell speech, are you?

It's time to tell the truth.

We made it up about the witches so we could steal everybody's land.

Shut up, you weak-willed--

We were going to sell you all down the river for a profit.

That's right. It was them all along.

You fools, you do nothing but burn innocent people.

What a bunch of hypocrites.

And as for you, sweet lips...

...it's too bad we never did get it on.

I'm sure we would've had a real fun time.

And now, if you'll all excuse me...

...I've had enough of this miserable little town.

Adios, pinheads.

I can see. It's a miracle!

I can see!

Samuel, Caleb, Jeremiah, release them at once.

Parson...

-...will you do us a favor? - Anything, Miles. Anything.

Marry us. Now. Here.

Oh, yes. Please.

I would be honored.

In the beginning, God made Adam and Eve.

Oh, all right.

By the power vested in me...

...I do hereby pronounce you man and wife. Kiss the bride.

Good townspeople, never forget the lesson you've learned here today.

Love, brotherly love, unconditional love for each other...

...without any judgment whatsoever.

That's what Salem must stand for from this moment on.

I agree! Let's let bygones be bygones.

It wasn't me. It was the judge.

Get them!

Well, Parson, it looks like these people still have a long way to go.

I'm afraid so, Miles.

Although I was hoping that somebody would've learned a lesson from this.

- I better go and find Mummy. - Oh, Parson.

Oh, yes.

On second thought, maybe it's time the old goat learns to help herself.

- Goodbye, children. - Goodbye, Parson.

- Now what are we gonna do? - Miles, we just got married.

Oh, yeah. Come along, Mrs. Campbell.