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Well, these are certainly the cleanest steps

on Madison Avenue.

That's how Mr. Day wants them kept.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- You're new here, aren't you? - Just this mornin'.

This is the way Mr. Day gets his milk.

Giddap.

Annie, be careful of this dish. You could burn your hands.

And keep the cover on till you're ready to serve them.

- Mr. Day likes his muffins hot. - I'll do that.

Annie, is the table set for breakfast?

'Yes, ma'am.'

Good mornin', ma'am.

Good morning, Annie. How are you getting along?

Alright, ma'am, I hope.

Now don't be nervous just because this is your first day.

Everything's going to be alright.

But I do hope nothing goes wrong.

Oh, no, Annie. The cream and sugar go down at this end.

Oh, I thought in the center, ma'am

everyone could reach them easy.

- Mr. Day sits here. - Oh, excuse me.

I didn't know where to place the napkins, ma'am.

You can tell by the rings. The boys have their initials.

C for Clarence. He sits here.

J for John, here.

W for Whitney. He sits over there next to his father.

And the one with a little dog on it

is Harlan's, of course.

He's the baby.

This narrow plain one is mine

and this is Mr. Day's.

It's just like mine except that it got bent...one morning.

That reminds me, Annie.

Always have Mr. Day's coffee piping hot.

And whenever Mr. Day speaks to you, just say yes sir.

Don't be nervous. You'll get used to him.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, that beautiful rubber plant.

I'm so glad it came.

You mustn't water it every day.

Too much moisture makes it very unhappy.

Oh, good morning, mother.

I thought you were still upstairs.

'Good morning, Clarence.'

Father must be talking to himself.

A redhead.

- Did you sleep well, mother? - Yes, thank you, dear.

Golly, I'm hungry.

Oh, and, Annie, we always start with fruit in the morning.

Except the two younger boys who have their porridge and milk.

'Jiminy, another wreck on the New Haven.'

That always disturbs the stock market.

Father won't like that.

I do wish the New Haven would stop having wrecks.

If they knew how it upsets your father.

My soul and body! Clarence, what's happened to your coat?

Oh, it ripped open again.

Margaret mended it for me

but it wouldn't stay mended.

Oh, dear, I'll just have to speak

to your father about a new suit of clothes.

Clarence, why did you take

my H2SO4 out of our clothes closet?

'I've told you a hundred times'

'that closet's not to make experiments in.'

Two?

Good morning, mother.

John, have you been making those chemical smells again?

No, mother, I'm making an electric battery.

It will ring a bell and everything.

You know your father doesn't like electricity.

But, mother, everything's going to be electricity.

- Not in this house. - 'Oh, God!'

What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

- 'Where's my necktie?' - Which necktie?

'The one I gave you yesterday.'

It isn't pressed yet. I forgot to give it to Margaret.

'I told you distinctly I wanted to wear that necktie today.'

You've got plenty of neckties.

Put on another one right away and come down to breakfast.

'I don't know what this world's coming to.'

Mother, may I have my breakfast early?

I'm going to play baseball.

Three?

Whitney, before you leave the house

you have to study your catechism.

But, mother, they're going to let me pitch today.

Good morning.

- Who won? - The Giants, 7 to 3.

- Buck Ewing hit a home run. - Let me see.

Boys, don't wrinkle the paper before your father sees it.

Mother, could you ask me my catechism now?

- I think I know it. - Well, let's see.

- Ah, what is your name? - Whitney Benjamin.

- Who gave you your-- - 'Here I come!'

Come and help me down, mother.

There are steps to come down on.

- Good morning, darling. - Good morning, mother.

- How's your finger? - It itches.

Good. That's a sign it's getting better.

Come along.

Four!

Let's see. What was I doing?

Oh, yes, the catechism.

Who gave you your name?

My sponsors at baptism

wherein I was made a member of Christ

the child of God

and an inheritor of the kingdom of heaven.

Mother, if I hadn't been baptized

wouldn't I have any name?

Not in the sight of the church.

What did your sponsors then for you?

They did promise and vow three things in my name.

First, that I should renounce the devil and all of his..

'And secondly..'

'...secondly, that I believe'

'all the articles of the Christian faith.'

And thirdly, that I should keep

God's holy will and commandments

'and walk in the same all the days of my--'

Morning, boys. Morning.

- Good morning, father. - Good morning, father.

Morning, Vinnie. Had a good night?

- Yes, thank you, Clare. - Good.

Sit down, boys.

What's that thing doing in here?

Clare, that's our new rubber plant.

Place for rubber plants is on the equator.

Uh, take that object out, Catherine.

- You're not Catherine. - No, sir.

Good. Never liked Catherine, anyway.

Put it somewhere else, Annie, but not too near a window.

Yes, ma'am.

Sit down, Harlan.

Thank you, dear.

Where did that dog come from?

She'll leave, mother. I'll talk to her.

What did you say?

Oh, Clare, that new suit looks very nice.

You've put on a little weight, dear.

I weigh just the same as I always have.

Well, Clarence has just managed to ruin

the only decent suit he has.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid he'll need a new suit of clothes.

Vinnie, Clarence has to learn

not to be so hard on his clothes.

But, father, I thought--

You're starting Yale in the fall.

You'll be completely outfitted.

But nothing this summer.

Can I have one of your old suits cut down for me?

Every suit I own still has plenty of wear in it.

I wear my clothes until they're worn out.

Well, if you want your clothes worn out

Clarence can wear them out much faster than you can.

Yes, and, father, you never get a chance to wear yours out.

Every time you get a new batch of clothes

mother sends the old ones to the missionary barrel.

I guess I'm just as good as any old missionary.

Clarence, before you compare yourself to a missionary

'remember the sacrifices they make.'

Oh, I don't know, Vinnie.

I think my clothes would look better on Clarence

than on some Hottentot.

Have that, uh, dark suit of mine cut down to fit you.

Well, thank you, father.

One of father's suits. Thank you, sir.

In return for that, Clarence

I want you to practice more often on your violin.

Whitney, don't eat so fast.

Well, father, I'm going to pitch today.

But before I go, I have to study my catechism.

What do you bother with that for?

Because if he doesn't know his catechism

he can't be confirmed.

But, Vinnie, Whitney's going to pitch today.

He can be confirmed any old time.

Clare, sometimes it seems to me you don't care

whether your children get to heaven or not.

Oh, Whitney will get to heaven alright.

I'll be there before you are, Whitney.

I'll see that you get in.

And, Whitney, when we get to heaven

we'll organize a baseball team of our own.

- Good. - Hmm.

Be just like you to try and run things up there.

Well, from all I've heard about heaven

it seems to be a pretty unbusiness-like place.

They could probably use a good man like me.

What makes you so sure they'll let you in to heaven?

Well, if they don't, I'll certainly raise

a devil of a row.

Clare, I do hope you'll behave when you get to heaven.

Now, Vinnie, what..

Vinnie, how many times have I asked you not to engage a maid

who doesn't know how to serve properly?

Clare, can't you see she's new and doing her best?

How can I serve myself when she's holding that platter

over my head?

- Hold it lower, Annie. - Yes, ma'am.

What became of the one we had yesterday?

I don't know why you can't keep a maid.

Oh, you don't!

Why on earth can't you run your house

the way I run my office?

All I want is service.

What the devil's that noise?

- It's Annie. - Annie? Who's Annie?

The maid.

I'll take it, Annie.

Clare, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

What have I done now?

You made her cry, speaking to her the way you did.

I never said a word to her.

I was addressing myself to you.

I do wish you'd be more careful.

It's hard enough to keep a maid

and the uniform just fit this one.

'What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?'

What in the name of..

Well, where did you come from?

- Who do you belong to? - She's mine, father.

Her name is Princess.

Hmm, looks more like a prince to me.

- Margaret, this bacon's good. - Oh.

- Well, it's good. - Yes, sir.

Harlan, how's that finger?

'Come here, let me see it.'

Yes, father.

Ah, yes, that's healing nicely.

I guess you'll know the next time

that cats don't like to be hugged.

It's alright to stroke them, but don't squeeze them.

Now go back and finish your oatmeal.

I don't like oatmeal.

Go on and finish it. It's good for you.

But I don't like it.

I'll tell you what you like and what you don't like.

You're not old enough to know about such things.

You've no business not to like oatmeal.

- It's good. - I hate it!

That's enough! We won't discuss it.

Eat that oatmeal at once!

Ugh.

John, that letter's for your mother.

I finished my oatmeal, father. May I be excused?

Yes, Whitney, you may go. Pitch a good game.

I will.

Whitney.

Yes, mother, my catechism.

Never mind this morning, darling. Run along.

Thank you, mother.

Margaret, what is this?

- Coffee, sir. - It is not coffee.

You couldn't possibly take water and coffee beans

and arrive at that. It's slops. That's what it is.

Slops! Take it away.

I come down to this table every morning hungry--

'Well, if you're hungry, Clare'

'why aren't you eating your breakfast?'

I am.

Aunt Judith wants me to come up and visit her.

Now, Vinnie, I want no more relatives in this house.

We're going to live here by ourselves

in peace and comfort.

Clare, I was saying Aunt Judith wants me to visit her.

- Oh. - Eat your oatmeal, dear.

What on earth is this?

"Dear friend Day, we are assigning you

"the exclusive rights to Staten Island

for selling the Gem Home Popover Popcorn."

I think that's for me, father.

But then why isn't it addressed to Clarence Day, Jr.?

Oh, it is.

I wouldn't get mixed up in popcorn, Clarence.

It's too indigestible.

Confound it! Another wreck on the New Haven.

If you please, ma'am, there's a dollar due

on a package. It's from Lewis & Congers.

'Oh, yes, those kitchen knives I ordered.'

Ah, make a memorandum of that, Vinnie.

One dollar and whatever it was for.

Of course, Clare.

I must have a record of what is spent

running this house.

I've never understood what good a record is

after the money's gone.

There's just a dollar, Margaret.

Vinnie, this house must be run on a business basis.

That's what the household accounts are for.

Oh, Clare, it's half past 8:00.

'You don't wanna be late at the office.'

Plenty of time.

- Annie, clear the table now. - Yes, ma'am, I'll do that.

- Clarence, John. - Yes, mother?

You boys go up and move the small bureau

from my room into yours.

- Who's coming? - Cousin Cora.

And she's bringing a friend with her.

- A young girl. - A girl!

You'll have to help entertain her, Clarence.

Oh, mother, do I have to?

Wait till father finds out we've got

visitors. There'll be a rumpus.

John, don't criticize your father.

He's very hospitable after he gets used to the idea.

- I like coffee. I like tea. - Tsk, tsk.

I like the girls and the girls like me.

Well, I don't like girls and they don't like me.

- 'Oh, God!' - Go on, boys. Go on.

What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

How did that get in this room?

Now, Clare, how was the new maid to know?

Keep that abomination out of here.

Alright, I'll take it.

Oh, Clare dear, I'm afraid

I'm going to need some more money.

You were complaining about the coffee this morning.

Well, that nice French drip coffee pot is broken

and you know how it got broken.

Never mind that, Vinnie.

As I remember that coffee pot cost $5 and, uh, something.

I'll give you $6.

Uh, when you get it, Vinnie

enter the exact amount in the ledger.

Of course, Clare.

We can't go on month after month

having the household accounts in such a mess.

No, and I thought of a system

that will make my bookkeeping perfect.

Well, I'm certainly relieved to hear that.

All we have to do is open charge accounts everywhere

and the stores will do my bookkeeping for me.

Now wait a minute, Vinnie--

Then when the bills come in

you'd know exactly where your money had gone.

Yes, I certainly would.

Vinnie, we get enough bills as it is.

Clare dear, don't you hate those arguments

we have every month?

I certainly do.

Not to have those, I should think would be worth

something to you.

Well, I'll open an account at Lewis & Congers

and, uh, one at McCreery's to start with.

- Thank you, Clare. - We'll see how it works out.

Thank you.

Oh, the rector's coming to tea today.

The rector. Well, I'm glad you warned me.

I'll go to the club.

Don't expect me home until dinnertime.

Clare dear, I do wish you'd take

a little more interest in the church.

Getting me into heaven is your business, Vinnie.

If there's anything wrong with my ticket when I get there

you can fix it up.

Everybody loves you so much. I'm sure God must too.

I'll do my best, Clare.

It wouldn't be heaven without you.

If you're there, Vinnie, I'll manage to get in some way

even if I have to climb the fence.

Margaret. Margaret.

'Oh, God!'

What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?

Ah, politics.

Yes, but it's taking the bread out of our mouths!

Honest Hugh Grant.

Honest, bah!

Fine mayor you've turned out to be.

If you can't run this city without raising taxes

every five minutes, you'd better get out.

Let someone who can.

Richard Cook is running in this town

and you're just his cat's paw!

Tell me this, are these increased taxes

going into public improvements

or are they going into graft?

Answer me that honestly if you can

Mr. Honest Hugh Grant.

You can't? I thought so.

Bah!

- Don't order dinner.. - 'You were elected to office..'

'...on the promise that you would put an end'

'to all this thievery and corruption.'

'Have you put an end to it? No. You've encouraged it.'

'Every day there's some new raid on the public treasury.'

- If you don't stop.. - Father, if you don't mind..

...of New York, we're going to throw you

and your boodle board of aldermen out of office.

I'm warning you for the last time.

Robbery. That's what it is. Highway robbery!

- Annie. Annie. - What is it?

Take this fresh cup of coffee in to Mr. Day.

But Mr. Day's got a visitor.

'...are not going to tolerate these..'

Nonsense. Run along in there.

We pay you a good round sum to watch after our interests

and all we get is inefficiency.

I know you're a nincompoop

and I strongly suspect you of being a scalawag.

You're not going to escape your legal responsibilities.

Legal responsibilities?

By God, I mean criminal responsibilities!

Don't think for one minute we're going to let you escape.

We're going to throw you into jail!

- Annie, are you hurt? - He can't throw me into jail!

Vinnie?

Vinnie, why can't I have quiet here in the morning?

Clare, what happened?

Uh, sounded to me as though that maid

dropped a whole tray of dishes.

Yes, but what did you say to her?

Say to her? I haven't seen her since breakfast.

- I better get to the office. - Oh, yes, Clare.

You don't want to be late.

I'll be home in plenty of time for dinner.

Why don't we have chicken fricassee tonight?

Well, Clare, chicken's gone up. It's 8 cents a pound.

Where the devil's she going dressed up like that?

Clare, you've done it again. How could you?

- How could I what? - Can't you see she's leaving?

Oh, dear. I have no time to engage a new maid.

- We'll have to have dinner out. - Dinner out. Nonsense.

- I'll engage a new maid myself. - Clare, you can't.

- She has to fit the uniform. - I'll have one here in an hour.

- 'Goodbye, dear.' - 'Goodbye, Clare.'

Good morning, Mr. Day. On your way to the office?

- Yes.. Good morning. - Mrs. Day.

- Good morning, Mr. Day. - Morning, Jim.

Giddap!

Giddap.

Cora, it's wonderful to see you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Vinnie, I declare you're getting

younger and prettier every year.

- Oh, this is Mary Skinner. - Ed Skinner's daughter.

My goodness, I never would have known you.

Just leave your things out here and come right on in.

I heard my father talk so much about you, Mrs. Day.

Oh, did he tell you how he used to dip my pigtails

in the inkwell at school?

What's the news in Pleasantville, Cora?

Oh, Vinnie, I have so much to tell you.

We wrote you that Aunt Carrie broke her hip.

That was the night that Robert Ingersoll lectured.

Of course, she couldn't get there, but it was a good thing

for Mr. Ingersoll she didn't.

'How do you do, Cousin Cora?'

Oh, Clarence, my, my.

No, no, Cora, this is John.

John! Why, how you've grown.

You'll be a man before your mother.

'John, this is Mary Skinner.'

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Vinnie, everybody in Pleasantville sends their love.

Grandpa Evans, Cousin Edith, Aunt Hattie, the Taylors.

- Oh, just everybody. - Cora, how is Grandpa Evans?

Oh, he hasn't been at all well.

You know, he only has one kidney and that's bloating.

How do you do, Cousin Cora? I'm glad to see you.

This can't be Clarence.

- Yes, it is. - My, my.

My goodness, every time I see you boys

you've grown another foot.

Let's see, you're going to St. Paul's now, aren't you?

St. Paul's? I was through with St. Paul's long ago.

I'm starting in Yale this fall.

Yale!

Oh, uh, oh, Mary, this is Clarence.

- Mary Skinner. - How do you do?

Oh, this is Mary's first trip to New York.

Yes, it is. It's her first trip.

We'll have to show Mary around.

Oh, I'll tell you, I'll ask Mr. Day

to take us all to Delmonico's for dinner tonight.

- Delmonico's! - Think of that, Mary.

Delmonico's!

And Cousin Clare's such a wonderful host.

Well, I know you girls want to freshen up, so come upstairs.

Clarence, get their bags.

I've given you girls Clarence's room

but he didn't know about it until this morning.

- I don't want you to give.. - He hasn't moved his things..

John, get their old bags.

Oh, you play the violin.

Well, I, I fool with it a little.

You're just being modest.

No, really, I..

I play the piano.

Not awfully well, but..

Now you're being modest.

Do you ever play duets?

Well, I haven't up to now.

Neither have I...up to now.

Cora didn't tell me about you.

I never met a Yale man before.

What's happened to you?

Nothing. I feel fine.

Where do you keep 'em?

Do you wish a domestic servant?

Where do you keep them?

I will take your name and address.

Confound it. I'm late at the office now.

If you will give me the details

as to what kind of person you require.

I'm asking you where you keep them?

Why, the girls are in there

but clients are not allowed in that room.

If you will tell me the kind of a position you wish

to have held, I'll be very glad to..

You stand up, please.

Sir, this is quite against the rules.

I must know what you want the girl for.

I'll take that one. What's your name?

Hilda, sir.

Hilda, you go right over to 420 Madison Avenue.

- I will, sir. - That's all. Thank you.

Sir, before I can let any girl go from this establishment

I must know the character of the home

in which she will be employed.

Madam, I am the character of my home.

Oh.

My duty toward my neighbor is to love him as myself

and to do unto all men as, as..

As they should do unto me.

As they should do unto me to, to..

He really knows it.

Well, he's done very well for so young a boy.

- May I go now? - Yes, darling.

- Thank you, Dr. Lloyd. - Not at all.

Come on, Harlan.

Wait for me.

Ah, you and Mr. Day must be very proud of your children.

I was hoping I'd find Mr. Day at home this afternoon.

Well, he-he's usually home from the office by this time.

Hmm. Perhaps he's gone for a gallop in the park.

It's such a fine day.

He's very fond of horseback riding, I believe.

Oh, yes.

Tell me, has he ever been

thrown from a horse?

Oh, no, no horse would throw Mr. Day.

I just thought he might have had some accident.

I notice he never kneels in church.

Oh, that's no accident.

Uh, but I don't want you to think he doesn't pray.

He does.

Why, sometimes you can hear him

all over the house.

But he never kneels.

Ah, perhaps that's Mr. Day now.

Oh, I hardly think so.

Oh, the devil. I forgot.

Clare, you're just in time for tea.

- I'll send for some hot water. - How are you, Dr. Lloyd?

'It's a great pleasure to have a visit with you, Mr. Day.'

- Mother, are they back yet? - No, Clarence, no.

'Except for a brief glimpse on the Sabbath'

I don't see much of you.

Well, Clare, did you have a busy day at the office?

- Devilishly busy. - Clare.

Uh, a very busy day. Tired out.

How a man can get tired

just sitting at a desk all day, I don't know.

I suppose Wall Street is just as much a mystery to you

as it is to me, Dr. Lloyd.

No, no. It's all very clear to me.

My mind often goes to the businessman.

The picture I'm most fond on is when I envision him

at the close of the day's work.

I see him pausing in his toil and it comes over him

that all those figures of profit and loss

are without importance or consequence.

Vanity and dust.

- Well, I'll be-- - Clare.

- Yes, ma'am? - 'Delia, some more hot water.'

- Yes, ma'am. - Who's that?

The new maid.

Where's the one I sent this morning?

The uniform didn't fit.

Hmm. I like the one I picked out better.

Uh, Clare, Dr. Lloyd wants to tell us

about the plans for the new edifice.

- The new what? - The new church.

You knew we were planning to build a new church.

Of course, we're going to have to raise a large sum of money.

Hmm. Well, personally, I am against the church

hop, skipping and jumping all over the town.

So any contribution I make will have to be a small one.

The amount everyone is to subscribe

has already been decided.

Who decided it?

After considerable thought

we voted that our supporting members

should each contribute a sum equal to the cost of their pew.

I paid $5000 for my pew.

Yes, Clare. That makes our contribution $5000.

That's robbery.

Do you know what that pew is worth today? $3000.

That's what the last one sold for.

I've taken a dead loss of $2000 on that pew already.

Frank Bags sold me that pew when the market was at its peak.

He knew when to get out.

And I'm warning you, Vinnie, if the market ever goes up

I'm going to unload that pew.

Clarence Day, how can you speak of the temple of the Lord

as though it was something to be bought and sold on Wall Street?

Now, Mrs. Day, your husband is a practical man.

We've had to be practical about the new church.

We have all the facts and figures.

Oh. What's the property worth where we are now?

Oh, let's see. Is it $40,000?

I know the figure has a four in it.

What's the new piece of property going to cost you?

I think the figure I heard mentioned was $85,000.

Or was it 185,000?

Uh, Dr. Lloyd, you preach that someday

we'll all have to answer to God.

We shall indeed.

Well, I hope God doesn't ask you any questions

with figures in them.

'Mrs. Day is in the living room.'

'Thank you.'

- I-it's Cousin Cora. - Hmm?

- She's passing through town. - Oh.

Well.

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Thank you for helping me.

Come, Mary.

Oh, Vinnie, what a day.

We've been in every shop in town.

- Why, Cousin Clare. - 'Cora.'

My, my.

You're as welcome as the flowers in May.

- This is Mary Skinner. Mr. Day. - How do you do?

I've been telling Mary all about you.

- She's been dying to meet you. - Well.

Dr. Lloyd, I want you to meet

my favorite cousin, Miss Cartwright.

- How do you do? - And this is Mary Skinner.

Miss Skinner, Dr. Lloyd.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Well, this seems to be a family reunion.

- I'll just run along. - Goodbye, Dr. Lloyd.

Uh, goodbye, Miss Cartwright.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, uh..

Oh, Clarence, you haven't said

how do you do to Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, Dr. Lloyd.

- Oh. - Uh, goodbye, everybody.

I'll go to the door with you, Dr. Lloyd.

Thank you. Thank you so much for the tea.

Those muffins were delicious.

Who did you say this pretty little girl is?

She's Ed Skinner's daughter.

This is Mary's first trip to New York.

Oh, uh, sit down. Sit down.

- Have some tea. - We had tea downtown.

- Oh, uh, never mind then, uh.. - Delia.

Delia. Uh, sit down, sit down.

Even if you have had tea, you can stay and visit for a while.

As a matter of fact, why don't you both stay to dinner?

That's all arranged, Clare.

Cora and Mary are going to have dinner with us.

Fine, fine.

Of course, you'll just have to take potluck.

- Well, I'd hardly call it-- - Clare.

Did you know the girls are going to visit Aunt Judith

in Springfield for a whole month?

Fine.

Now how long are you going to be in New York, Cora?

- All week. - Splendid.

We'll hope to see something of you.

Well, you certainly will--

Cora, d-did you find anything you wanted in the shop?

Oh, I can't wait to show you.

Oh, but I'm afraid some of these packages

can't be opened in front of Cousin Clare.

Shall I leave the room?

Oh, Clarence, would you take the package in the hall

up to our room, or should I say your room?

Wasn't it nice of Clarence to give up his room

to us for a whole week?

Cora, come on, I just can't wait to see what's in those packages.

Well, we'll be back soon.

Uh, uh, Vinnie, I wish to speak to you before you go upstairs.

I'll be down in just a minute, Clare.

I wish to speak to you now.

I'll be up in just a minute, Cora.

It's alright, Vinnie. Come along, Mary.

Are those two women encamped in our house?

- Now, Clare-- - Answer me, Vinnie.

- Now, Clare, you know-- - Answer me!

Just a minute. Clarence!

Now, Clare, you know you've always been fond of Cora.

What has that got to do with her packing herself down in my house

and bringing hordes of strangers with her?

How can you call that sweet little girl

a horde of strangers?

Why don't they go to a hotel?

New York is full of hotels built for the express purpose

of housing such nuisances.

Clare, two girls alone in a hotel.

Why, who knows what might happen to them?

Alright, then put them on the first train.

They want to roam like gypsies?

Lend them a hand. Keep them roaming!

But, Clare, they're just staying in that little room

of Clarence's.

The trouble is, they don't stay there.

They stay in the bathroom.

Every time I want to take my bath

it's full of giggling females washing their hair!

I tell you, I won't have it. Send them to a hotel.

I'll pay the bill gladly, but get them out of here.

Father, I'm afraid they can hear you upstairs.

Then keep those doors closed.

Clarence, you open those doors.

Open them all the way.

Now, Clare, you be quiet and behave yourself.

They're here, and they're going to stay here.

That's enough, Vinnie. I want no more of this argument.

Hmm.

Oh, chaa!

What I don't understand is why this swarm of locusts

always descends on us without any warning.

Oh, thunder!

'Vinnie, dear Vinnie.'

Hmm.

Father, may I go along

with the rest of you to Delmonico's?

What's that? Delmonico's?

You're taking mother, Cousin Cora

and Miss Skinner to Delmonico's for dinner tonight.

Oh, God!

I won't have it. I won't have it.

I will not have my life arranged for me.

I bought this house for my own comfort.

I will not submit myself to this indignity.

- Now, Clare, what's the matter? - I won't stand it.

By heaven, I won't stand it!

Clarence.

Do I understand that I am not permitted

to have dinner in my own home?

Oh, Clare, a little change will do you good.

I have a home to have dinner in.

And any time I can't have dinner at home

this house is for sale.

Well, Clare, you can't have dinner here tonight

because it isn't ordered.

And besides, Cora and Mary want to see something

of New York.

Well, that's no affair of mine.

I am not a guide to Chinatown and the Bowery.

Oh, Mr. Day, I just love your house.

I could live here forever.

Cora's waiting for you, Mrs. Day.

Oh, yes. I'll run right up.

I'm, uh, glad you like our house, Miss Skinner.

I like it very much, Mr. Day.

Praise from a stranger is approbation indeed.

At home, our living room is green.

I like green.

I like green too.

Red's my favorite color.

I-it's an interesting thing about colors.

Red's a nice color in a house, too

but outside too much red would be bad.

I mean, for instance, if all the trees

and the grass were red.

Outside, green's the best color.

That's right.

I never thought of it that way.

But when you do think of it, it's quite a thought.

I bet you'll make your mark at Yale.

Oh.

My mother wants me to go to college.

Do you believe in girls going to college?

I guess it's alright if they wanna waste that much time

before they get married, I mean.

I'm glad you're fond of music, Mr. Day.

Oh, hello. Look, a new "Youth's Companion."

John enjoys "The Youth's Companion."

- John. - Oh.

- Won't you sit down? - Oh.

Oh, thank you.

It tells all about connecting batteries in series.

John, Miss Skinner and I were talking.

Oh, that's alright. You won't bother me.

Jiminy, there's where I made my mistake.

- I didn't mix enough-- - Shh!

- Oh, don't stop. - Can you play that?

I'm afraid not. Can you play "Sweet Genevieve?"

- That's my favorite. - Not without my music.

Hymns are nice, don't you think?

I like this one.

That's funny.

The words are the same, but it's the wrong tune.

Oh, it can't be the wrong tune.

We sing it exactly that way in church.

We don't sing it that way in the Methodist church.

- You see, we're Methodists. - 'Oh, that's too bad.'

Oh, I-I don't mean it's too bad that you're a Methodist.

Anybody's got a right to be anything they want.

But what I mean is..

...we're Episcopalians.

Yes, I know.

Anyway, the words are the same. Shall we begin?

Now.

- Oh, dear. - What's wrong?

Shall we try again?

- It must be my fault. - 'Oh, no, it's my fault.'

No, you're the Episcopalian.

I just remembered something.

My father was an Episcopalian.

He was baptized an Episcopalian.

He was an Episcopalian right up to the time

he married my mother.

- She was the Methodist. - Oh.

Oh, well, let's try it again then.

Well, Clarence, if you're going to Delmonico's

with us, you'd better get dressed.

Am I going too? Jiminy!

Thank you, father.

Be ready in just a minute, mother.

Vinnie, that young lady looks about the same age you were

when I came out to Pleasantville to rescue you.

- Rescue me? - Mmm.

You came out there to talk me into marrying you.

Well, it worked out just the same.

- French. - Oui.

No cooking like the French.

Clare, it was so nice of you to invite

Cora and Mary here their first night.

Well, it's been a pleasure.

Mr. Day, have you always been an Episcopalian?

I've always gone to the Episcopal Church, yes.

But you weren't baptized a Methodist or anything

were you?

You were baptized an Episcopalian?

Come to think of it, I don't believe

I was ever baptized at all.

Clare, that's not very funny

joking about a subject like that.

I'm not joking.

I remember now. I never was baptized.

Clare, that's ridiculous. Everybody's baptized.

Well, I'm not.

No one would keep a little baby from being baptized.

Well, you know father and mother.

Free thinkers, both of them.

They thought their children should decide

those things for themselves.

But, Clare--

I remember when I was, uh

ten or twelve years old

mother said I ought to give some thought to it, but, uh

'I never got around to having it done to me.'

Clare, do you know what you're saying?

Yes, I'm saying I've never been baptized.

Then something's got to be done about it right away.

Now, Vinnie, don't get excited over nothing.

Why haven't you ever told me?

Well, what difference does it make?

I have never heard of anyone who wasn't baptized.

Even the savages in darkest Africa.

Well, it's alright for savages and children.

But if an oversight was made in my case

it's too late to correct it now.

Well, if you're not baptized, you're not a Christian.

Why, confound it, of course, I'm a Christian.

A mighty good Christian too.

A lot better Christian than those psalm singers in church.

But you can't be if you won't be baptized.

I won't be baptized and I will be a Christian.

I'll be a Christian in my own way.

Clare, don't you want to meet us all in heaven?

'Of course, and I'm going to.'

'But you can't go to heaven'

'if you're not baptized.'

'Oh, that's a lot of folderol.'

Clarence Day, don't you blaspheme like that.

You're coming to church with me before you go to the office

in the morning and be baptized then and there.

Vinnie, don't be ridiculous.

If you think I'm going to stand there and let Dr. Lloyd

splash water on me at my age, you're mistaken.

Now I'm sleepy. Goodnight, Vinnie.

Mother, what is folderol?

Get back to sleep.

- Mother? - Yes, Whitney.

If father hasn't been baptized

he hasn't any name.

In the sight of the church, he hasn't any name.

That's right.

Maybe we're not even married.

We, Thine unworthy servants

do give Thee most humble and hearty thanks

for all Thy goodness and loving kindness

to us and to all men.

We bless Thee for our creation, preservation

and all the blessings of this life.

'But above all, for Thine inestimable love'

'in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ'

'for the means of grace, for the hope of glory.'

'And we beseech Thee'

'give us that due sense of all Thy mercies'

'that our hearts may be unfeignedly..'

Harlan, tell Clarence to kneel.

Whitney, tell Clarence to kneel.

John, tell Clarence to kneel.

Mother says kneel.

He says he can't.

He says he can't.

He says he can't.

'...world without end.'

'Amen.'

Amen.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ

and the love of God

and the Fellowship of the Holy Ghost

be with us all evermore.

- 'Amen.' - Amen.

And so, my friends

what comfort and security it gives us

when we have reached the age of understanding

'to know that the rite of baptism'

has not been neglected in our infancy or youth.

Can you imagine any man

who has reached maturity

with the knowledge that he had never been baptized

failing to hasten to the holy font

that his soul might be saved?

'As it says in the baptismal office'

'"Except a man be born of water and of the spirit'

'he cannot enter into the kingdom of God."'

'"He that believeth'

"and is baptized shall be saved

but he that believeth not shall be damned."

What's that fellow up to? He can't be..

'Which also showeth us the great benefit we reap..'

Tell father shh.

Tell father shh.

Tell father shh.

Tell father shh.

Mother says shh.

'"For the promise is to you'

'"and to your children.'

'"Doubt ye not therefore'

but earnestly believe."

In the name of the father and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Amen.

This is William Tyler Wickersham.

And this is Wilhelmina Eugenia Wickersham.

'What a lovely day for them to be baptized.'

'The happiest day in my life.'

- Lovely sermon. - Thank you, Mrs. Day.

Clare, you know I didn't ask Dr. Lloyd to do that.

You must have said something.

Well, I had to find out from him

if we were really married.

I am married and I'm not baptized.

And as far as I'm concerned

the whole congregation can know it.

- They certainly know it now. - That suits me.

I don't go to church to be preached at

as though I were some lost sheep.

Clare, you don't seem to understand

what the church is for.

Vinnie, if there's one place the church should leave alone

it's a man's soul.

Well, he's going to be baptized, Cora, you mark my word.

I just couldn't go to heaven without Clare.

Why, I get lonesome for him even when I go to Ohio.

It's awfully hard on a woman to love a man like Clare so much.

Oh, men are so aggravating.

They take everything for granted.

They certainly do.

You know, I don't believe Clare's come right out

and told me he loves me since we've been married.

Of course, I know he does

because I keep reminding him of it.

You have to keep reminding them, Cora.

'Vinnie, the table isn't set for dinner yet.'

I'll be back in a minute, Cora.

We're having it after Cora and Mary go to the train.

Their cab is coming at 1 o'clock.

'Cab? The horse cars go right past the door.'

But, Clare, they have those heavy bags.

Cabs are a waste of money.

Well, if dinner's going to be delayed

I'll work on this month's bills. Where are they?

Now, Clare, it isn't fair to go over the household accounts

when you're hungry.

Vinnie, where are those bills?

They're in the library on your desk.

Hmm.

I didn't know dinner was going to be late.

No one ever tells me anything in this house.

Back home I ride all the time. I love horses.

The horse is my favorite animal.

Well, goodness, where have you two been?

Clarence wanted to show me his grandfather's house.

You will have to hurry and finish your packing.

- It won't take me long. - Can I help you pack?

Clarence.

Clarence..

...why didn't you kneel in church today?

I, I just couldn't.

If it's because your father doesn't kneel

you must remember he wasn't brought up to kneel in church.

But you were.

Has it anything to do with Mary?

- I know she's a Methodist. - Oh, no, mother.

Methodists kneel. Mary told me.

They don't get up and down so much

but they stay down longer.

Clarence, you want to kneel, don't you?

Oh, yes. I wanted to kneel today.

I-I tried. You saw me try.

But...I just couldn't.

Well, is that suit of your father's too tight for you?

- No, it's not too tight. - Well, what is it?

Mother, very peculiar things have happened to me

since I started to wear this suit.

I can't seem to make these clothes

do anything father wouldn't do.

Oh, that's nonsense, Clarence.

And not to kneel in church is a sacrilege.

Making father's trousers kneel seemed more of a sacrilege.

Clarence.

Do you know what happened at Dura Wakefield's party

for Mary last night?

We were playing musical chairs

and some girl sat down suddenly right in my lap.

Well, I jumped up so fast, she almost got hurt.

She was sitting on father's trousers.

Well, mother, I've got to have a suit of my own.

My soul and body.

Well, you'll just have to talk to your father about it.

I'm sure if you approach him the right way

you know, tactfully, he'll see.

Oh, excuse me.

Gracious. It didn't take you very long.

Well, I'll see about your box lunch for the train.

Remember, it's Sunday.

I, I was hoping we could have

a few minutes together before you left.

Cora had so much to do. I wanted to get out of her way.

Well, didn't you wanna see me?

I did want to tell you how much I've enjoyed our...friendship.

Oh, hello. Mother told us to sit

in the living room till dinner's ready.

- Not on the best sofa. - Hello.

Hello.

Have you ever been out on our porch?

- Oh, yes. - Well, let me show it to you.

It's awfully hard to grow up in a family with children.

My, I've never known a week to pass so quickly.

- Why, I.. - Yes?

- Why, I.. - Yes?

You're going to write me

when you get to Springfield, aren't you?

Of course, if you write me first.

But you'll have something to write about.

Your trip, and Aunt Judith

and how things are in Springfield.

You write me as soon as you get there.

Maybe I'll be too busy.

Maybe I won't have time.

Well, you find the time.

Let's not have any nonsense about that.

You'll write me first, and you'll do it right away

the first day.

How do you know I'll take orders from you?

Well, I'll show you.

- Give me your hand. - Why should I?

Give me your hand, confound it!

What do you want with my hand?

I just wanted it.

What are you thinking about?

I was just thinking.

About what?

I was hoping you'd write me first

because that would mean you liked me.

What's my writing first got to do with liking you?

Oh, you do like me then?

Of course, I do.

I like you better than any girl I ever met.

But you don't like me well enough to write first?

Well, I don't see how one thing's

got anything to do with the other.

But a girl can't write first because..

...because she's a girl.

Well, that's nonsense. If a girl has something to write about

and a fellow hasn't, there's no reason

why she shouldn't write first.

You know, the first three days I was here

you'd do anything for me.

And then you changed.

You used to be a lot of fun.

Then all of a sudden, you turned into an old sobersides.

Why, why, you even dress like an old sobersides.

What's the matter?

I just happened to remember something.

What?

Oh, I know.

It's because this is the last time

we'll be together.

Mary, please.

But, Clarence, we'll see each other

in a month when I come back.

Oh, Clarence, please write me first

because that will show me how much you like me.

Please?

I'll show you how much I like you.

- Get up. Get up! - Ah.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, Mary, don't do that.

Please, don't do that!

Now you'll think

I'm just a bold and forward girl.

Oh, no. No, it's not that.

Was it because it's Sunday?

No, it'd be the same any day.

Oh! You just didn't want me sitting on your lap.

Oh, it was nice of you to do it.

It was nice of me

so you told me to get up?

You just couldn't bear to have me sit there.

Oh, and you needn't write me first.

You needn't write me any letters at all.

Because I'll tear them up without opening them.

I never want to see you again.

Oh, Mary. Mary, listen to me, Mary, please.

Oh, Mary.

Clarence.

Yes, father?

That young lady's crying. She's in tears.

What's the meaning of this?

I'm sorry, father. It's all my fault.

Nonsense. What's that girl trying to do to you?

Oh, n-no, no, she wasn't.

It was.. I, I..

Well, whatever the quarrel was about, Clarence

I'm glad you held your own.

Father, I have to have a new suit of clothes!

You've got to give me the money for it!

Young man, do you realize that you're addressing your father?

I'm sorry, father. I apologize.

But you don't know how important this is to me.

A new suit of clothes is so impor..

Oh, why should..

Clarence, has your need for a new suit of clothes

anything to do with that young lady?

Yes, father.

Why, Clarence.

Oh.

Why, this comes as quite a shock to me.

What does, father?

Well, you're being so...grownup.

Still, I might have known.

If you are going to college this fall..

Yes, you're at the age when you'll be meeting girls.

Clarence, there are things about women

that I think you ought to know.

Sit down.

Yes, I think it's better for you to hear this from me

than to have to learn it for yourself.

Clarence..

...women aren't the angels that you think they are.

Well, now first, let me explain this to you.

You see, Clarence, we men have to run this world

and it's not an easy job.

It takes work and it takes thinking.

A man has to reason things out.

Now you take a woman.

A woman thinks..

No, I'm wrong right there.

A woman doesn't think at all.

She gets stirred up.

And she gets stirred up over the most confounded things.

Now I love my wife just as much as any man

but that doesn't mean that I should stand

for a lot of folderol.

By God, I won't stand for it!

Stand for what, father?

That's the one thing I shall not submit myself to.

Clarence, if a man thinks a certain thing is wrong

he shouldn't do it.

If he thinks it's right, he should do it.

Now that has nothing to do with

whether he loves his wife or not.

- Who says it has, father? - They do.

- Who, sir? - Women.

They get stirred up

and then they try to get you stirred up too.

But don't you let them do it, Clarence.

Don't you let them do it.

Now, if you can keep reason and logic in the argument

well, a man can hold his own, of course.

But if they can switch you

pretty soon the argument's about whether you love them or not.

I swear, I don't know how they do it.

But don't you let them, Clarence.

Don't you let them.

I see what you mean so far, father.

If you don't watch yourself, love can make you do

a lot of things you don't wanna do.

'Exactly.'

But if you do watch out

and know just how to handle women..

Then you'll be alright.

All a man has to do is be firm.

You know how sometimes I have to be firm with your mother.

Yes, but, father, what can you do when they cry?

Hmm.

Well, uh, that's quite a question.

You just have to make them understand

that what you're doing is for their good.

I see.

Now, Clarence, you know all about women.

- But, father. - Yes, Clarence?

I thought you were going to tell me about..

- About what? - About women.

Clarence, there are some things gentlemen don't discuss.

I've told you all you need to know.

The thing for you to remember is be firm.

Mary, when you get to Springfield

the very first thing you..

Oh, God!

What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

Sit down, Vinnie.

Oh, Clare, Cora and Mary are leaving any moment now.

Sit down.

Vinnie, you know I like to live well

and I want my family to live well.

But this house must be run on a business basis.

I must know how much money I'm spending and what for.

For instance, if you recall, a week ago

I gave you $6 to buy a new coffee pot.

Yes, because you broke the old one.

You threw it right on the floor.

I'm not talking about that. Now I find here among my--

It was a pity to break that nice coffee pot, Clare.

It was imported from France.

And that little shop has stopped selling them.

They said the tariff wouldn't let them.

And that's your fault because you're always voting

to raise the tariff.

The tariff protects America

against cheap foreign labor. Now this bill--

The tariff does nothing but put up the prices

and that's hard on everybody especially the farmer.

Vinnie, I wish to heaven you wouldn't talk about matters

you don't know anything about.

I do, too, know about them. Miss Guelig says

that every intelligent woman should have some opinion--

Who may I ask is Miss Guelig?

She's the current events woman I told you about.

And the tickets are a dollar every Tuesday.

Do you mean to tell me that a pack of idle-minded females

pay a dollar apiece to hear another female

gabble about the events of the day?

Listen to me if you want to know anything

about the events of the day.

But you get so excited, Clare.

And besides, Miss Guelig says that our President

whom you're always belittling, prays to God for guidance.

Vinnie, what happened to that $6?

What $6?

I gave you $6 to buy a new coffee pot.

Now I find that you apparently got one

at Lewis & Congers and charged it.

Here's their bill. "One coffee pot, $5."

So you owe me a dollar, and you can hand it right over.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

What did you do with that $6?

Well, Clare, I can't tell you now, dear.

Why didn't you ask me at the time?

I give up.

Oh, wait a minute.

I spent $4.50 for that new umbrella.

Now we're getting somewhere.

One umbrella, $4.50.

And that must have been the week I paid Mrs. Tobin

for two extra days' washing.

- Mrs. Tobin. - That's $2 more.

- Two dollars. - That makes, that makes up..

$6.50.

And that's another 50 cents you owe me.

I don't owe you anything.

What you owe me is an explanation

of where my money is gone.

I do the best I can to keep down expenses.

You know yourself, Cousin Phoebe spends twice as much as we do.

Don't talk to me about your cousin Phoebe.

Oh, you talk about your own relatives enough.

That's not fair, Vinnie.

When I talk about my relatives, I criticize them.

I can't even speak of Cousin Phoebe.

'You can speak of her all you want to.'

'But I won't have Cousin Phoebe or anyone else'

'dictating to me how to run my house.'

I didn't say a word about her dictating.

'Clare, you know she isn't that--'

You said, you said..

I don't know what you said now.

You never stick to the point.

Now, we're going over this account book item by item.

I find here a bill for $38.

I don't know what you expect of me.

I tire myself out chasing up and down

those stairs all day long

trying to look after your comfort

to bring up our children.

I do the mending and the marketing.

Now you want me to be an expert bookkeeper too.

Vinnie, I want to be reasonable, but..

Can't you understand? I'm doing all this for your own good.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go ahead just paying the bills

and hoping I've got enough money in the bank to meet them.

But it's all very discouraging.

I'll try to do better, Clare.

Well, that's all I'm asking.

Well, I'll, uh, make out the checks and sign them.

But, uh, ahem, maybe I haven't any right to sign those checks

since in the sight of the Lord, I haven't any name.

That's right.

Clare, to make those checks good

you'll have to be baptized right away.

Vinnie, the bank doesn't care

whether I've been baptized or not.

Well, I care.

And no matter what Dr. Lloyd said

I'm not sure we're really married.

Vinnie, we have four children.

If we're not married now, we never will be.

Clare, Dr. Lloyd said this morning--

Well, that's all, Vinnie.

Uh, I think you better go tell Whitney to watch for the cab.

Not before you give me that $1.50.

- What $1.50? - That $1.50 you owe me.

I don't owe you any $1.50.

I gave you money to buy a coffee pot for me

and somehow it turned into an umbrella for you.

Why, Clarence Day, what kind of man are you?

Quibbling about $1.50 when your immortal soul

is in danger.

- And what's more, if you-- - Alright.

Alright, alright.

Hmm.

Thank you, Clare.

Now the accounts are all straight again.

What were you doing down there?

I'm setting up this new burglar alarm.

I invented it myself.

Have you got any money you can lend me?

No, you owe me 30 cents now.

Well, I'll give you my stamp collection

and my piece of John Wilkes Booth's finger.

How much?

Enough to get a new suit of clothes.

If you can wait a month till I hear from the patent office

in Washington, I may be rich.

- Oh, I can't wait that long. - Maybe I could get it sooner.

I'm going to look into something else tomorrow.

"Wanted. An energetic young man to sell household necessity.

Liberal commission. Apply 312.."

John, let me have this job.

Why should I give you my job? They're hard to get.

But I've got to get a new suit of clothes.

Maybe I could get the job for both of us.

I'll ask the man.

- The cab's here, father. - Oh, t-thank you, Whitney.

Uh, Vinnie, Cora, the cab's here!

Uh, John, uh, go up and get their bags.

Yes, sir.

Here's the lunch for the train, sir.

Well, take it out to the cab.

- Who's that one? - It's Ellen.

Delia left yesterday.

I don't know where your mother finds them.

Now, Vinnie, don't you let Clare worry about us.

We have plenty of time.

Oh, take the bags right on out, John.

- Yes, sir. - Well, goodbye, Clarence.

It was so nice to see you again.

Goodbye, Cousin Cora.

Goodbye, Whitney. Now you be a good boy.

- Goodbye, Cousin Cora. - Goodbye, Harlan.

Goodbye. Keep out of mischief.

Come along, everybody. Don't keep the cab waiting.

Cabs cost money.

If there's one thing Mr. Day can't stand

it's to keep a cab waiting.

If there's any waiting to do, there's a waiting room

at the Grand Central Depot just for that.

Mary..

...aren't you even going to shake hands with me?

I don't think I'd better.

You may remember that when I get too close to you

you feel contaminated.

Mary, you're going to write to me, aren't you?

- Are you going to write first? - No, Mary.

There are times when a man must be firm.

Mary, mother says you better hurry out

before father starts yelling.

It's Sunday.

Goodbye, John.

I'm very happy to have made your acquaintance.

Thank you.

- May I help you? - No, thank you.

Take care of yourself.

- Goodbye, Mr. Day. - Goodbye, Mary.

Bye, Mrs. Day. I've had a wonderful time.

- Goodbye, Mary. - Thank you.

- 'Bye-bye.' - 'Goodbye.'

- 'Goodbye, Cousin Clare.' - Goodbye, Cora.

- Goodbye, Cora. - 'Bye.'

- Bye, Cousin Cora. - Bye.

- Bye! - Bye!

Dear Mary..

"My duty toward my neighbor

"is to love him as myself

"and to do to all men

as I would they should do unto me."

Has father gone to the office yet?

Come on, let's go to the ball field.

I've got to guard this box till John comes back.

It's his burglar alarm.

It wouldn't work so he fixed it.

We're going to put it back in the dining room

after father goes to the office.

Are there burglars around?

- Everywhere. - Oh.

"To love, honor, and succor my father

and my mother--"

Why do you have to learn that?

Because if I don't, I'll go to hell.

- Father's going to hell. - He is not!

Yes, he is, because he isn't baptized.

He'll go to hell and burn for a thousand years.

He won't! He won't!

He'll be in a lake of fire and brimstone

and a thousand devils with pitchforks

will be poking at him.

- No! Mother, don't let-- - Shh.

- Father will hear you! - No, I don't..

'Don't smother me!'

What's that noise?

- Just singing, father. - 'You boys, be quiet.'

You know your mother isn't feeling well.

'Yes, father.'

What did your mother say?

She says she doesn't want any breakfast.

Oh, why does your mother do that to me?

She knows it just upsets my day

when she doesn't come down to breakfast.

- A special delivery, sir. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Where's John this morning?

Well, John had his breakfast early, father

and went out to see about something.

See about what?

Well, John and I thought

we'd work this summer and earn some money.

Good. Work never hurt anyone. It's good for them.

But if you're going to work, work hard.

King Solomon had the right idea about work.

"Whatever thy hand findeth to do," Solomon said

"do thy doggonedest."

Hmm.

Well, I don't understand this at all.

Here's a letter from some woman I never even heard of.

- Oh, father. - Oh, God!

What is it, father?

This woman claims that she sat on my lap

and that I didn't like it.

Huh.

What's that word?

No, that one down there.

It looks like curiosity.

Oh.

"I only opened your letter

as a matter of curiosity."

- Hmph. - Yes, go on.

Why, this gets worse and worse.

It just turns into a lot of sentimental lovey-dovey mush.

Chaa! Huh.

If this is someone's idea of a practical joke..

What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

Nothing wrong. Just a fool letter.

- How are you feeling, Vinnie? - I thought you needed me.

If you don't, I'll go back to bed.

On, no, no, no. Uh, come sit down

and, uh, get some food in you.

Do you good. Build up your strength.

Yeah, here. Sit down. Sit down.

Here, uh..

- What's this one's name? - Nora.

Nora, uh, get Mrs. Day some bacon and eggs.

'No, Nora.'

'Bring me a cup of tea up to my room.'

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, Vinnie, it's just weak

to give in to an ailment.

I notice when you have a headache

you yell and groan and swear enough.

Well, that's to prove to the headache

that I am stronger than it is.

I think I've caught some kind of germ.

Some of my friends have had to send for the doctor.

A doctor? Oh, poppycock.

But, Clare dear, when people are ill

you have to do something.

Certainly, you have to do something.

Cheer them up. That's the way to cure them.

How would you go about cheering them up?

I? Why, I'd tell them bah!

Well, what have I done now?

Oh.

Oh, Clare, hush up.

Vinnie, I didn't mean to upset you.

"Dear Clarence.."

I, I-I was just trying to help you.

You know, w-when you take your bed

I have a confounded lonely time around here.

So when I see you getting it into your head

that you're not feeling well

I want to do something about it.

Just because some of your friends have given into this

there's no reason why you should imagine you're ill.

Oh, Clare, stop.

Get out of this house and go to your office.

- Did you get the job? - Yes, for both of us.

- Look, I've got it with me. - What is it?

- Medicine. - Medicine?

You took a job for us to go out and sell medicine?

But it's wonderful medicine. Look what it cures.

"A sovereign cure for colds, coughs, catarrh

"asthma, quinsy, and sore throat

"poor digestion, summer complaint, colic

"dyspepsia, heartburn, and shortness of breath

"lumbago, rheumatism, heart disease

"giddiness, and women's complaints

"nervous prostration, St. Vitus' dance

"jaundice, la grippe, proud flesh

pink eye, sea sickness, and pimples."

It's made from a secret formula known only to Dr. Bartlett.

We get 25 cents commission on every bottle we sell.

And he's giving us the territory of all Manhattan Island.

Well, lots of father's and mother's friends

have some of those diseases.

Let's start out by calling on them.

Yes. Oh.

What if they ask us if we use it at our house?

Oh, yes, it would be better if we could say we did.

Excuse me.

Oh, i-is that the tea for Mrs. Day?

- Yes. - Oh, I'll take it up to her.

Oh, thank you. Right away now while it's hot.

What's the matter with mother?

I don't know. She was just complaining.

Say, it says here it's good for women's complaints.

Here.

'Yes, sir, Chesapeake and Ohio, an eighth.'

'New York Central, three quarters.'

'I'd like to see Mr. Day about'

'those Morris & Essex bonds.'

Mr. Day's very busy this morning.

You'll have to wait.

- Where's father? - Well, Master Whitney.

Have you come to pay us a visit?

Where's father?

He's busy in his office with a customer.

Master Whitney!

Mr. Day, the president of the firm is--

Father, you have to come home right away.

What's the meaning of this? Who sent you down here?

- Your mother? - No, sir. Mother's ill.

She's terribly ill.

Did the doctor send you for me?

- No, sir. It was Margaret. - Margaret?

Margaret says you're to come home right away

and no nonsense.

Uh, Perkins, go down and stop the first cab you see.

A cab, sir? For you, Mr. Day?

Yes, I want a cab, and no nonsense!

- Yes, sir. - Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Hopkins.

Confound you! Can't you go any faster?

Alright, sir.

Giddap!

Giddap there, you hear me! Giddap!

- Oh, doctor. How is Mrs. Day? - She's a pretty sick woman.

Well, what's wrong with her?

Well, do you know or don't you?

What did Mrs. Day have for breakfast this morning?

Not a thing. I tried to get her

to eat something, but she wouldn't.

I can't understand it.

Understand what?

These violent attacks of nausea.

It's almost as though she were poisoned.

- Poisoned? - Let me take your cab.

I'll try not to be gone more than ten to fifteen minutes.

And, Mr. Day, you are not to go into her room.

You'd better get her well.

Right away or you'll hear from me.

- Turn west on 27th Street. - Giddap. Giddap.

- How is mother? - I don't know.

Well, she better be good and sick

or father may be mad at me for getting him up here.

Specially in a cab.

- Has your father come? - Yes, just now.

Where are you going, Margaret?

I have to go for the minister.

I guess the minister's coming to baptize father

so he won't have to go to hell.

You can't be baptized in a house.

- You've got to have water. - We have lots of water.

Not the right kind.

Is mother better, father?

How can I tell? She wouldn't let me in the room with her.

These confounded doctors never know

what's the matter with anybody.

Father?

Yes?

Mother's going to get well, isn't she?

Of course, she's going to get well.

Father, may we come in?

It's lonesome without mother.

Yes, it is, Harlan. It's lonesome.

Come in, boys.

What have you been doing, Harlan?

Nothing. They won't let me upstairs.

What about you, Whitney?

I was supposed to learn

the rest of my catechism.

Will you hear me, father?

Yes, Whitney, I'll hear you.

Start here.

"How many parts are there in a sacrament?"

Two, the outward visible sign

and the inward spiritual grace.

"What is the outward visible sign or form

in bap, baptism?"

Water, wherein the person is baptized in the name of..

You haven't been baptized, have you, father?

Whitney, what is the outward visible sign?

Water, wherein the person..

'...wherein the person..'

You don't know it well enough, Whitney.

You'd better go and study it some more.

Do you want me to read to you, Harlan?

Father, are they gonna put you into hell?

Whitney, take Harlan with you.

Oh, what's the world coming to?

Everybody's sending for doctors.

Doctors don't do you any good.

Only make you feel worse.

All poppycock.

Who's ringing that bell?

Stop that noise!

Stop it, I say!

What idiot's ringing that bell?

Mr. Day, we must all be quiet.

- Mrs. Day's very ill. - I know she's ill.

Go up and see if she needs anything.

And what are you doing out of the house?

I sent for the minister.

- The minister? - He'll be right in.

He's paying off the cab.

I was deeply shocked to learn the serious nature

of Mrs. Day's illness. Will you take me up to her?

She's resting now. She can't be disturbed.

The doctor will be back in a minute.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mrs. Day has been

a tower of strength in the parish.

Everyone liked her so much.

Yes, she was a fine woman.

I wish to heaven you wouldn't talk about Mrs. Day

as if she were dead.

- Is the doctor back yet? - No, does she need him?

Well, she's kind of restless.

She's talking in her sleep and twisting and turning.

Well, doctor, it seems to me

that was a pretty long ten minutes.

See here, Mr. Day. if I'm to handle this case--

How can you handle it if you're out of the house?

Who is this?

- It's Dr. Somers. - How do you do?

I felt that Mrs. Day's condition

warranted my getting Dr. Somers here

as soon as possible for consultation.

I hope that meets with your approval?

Why, yes, of course.

- Anything that can be done. - Upstairs, doctor.

Pardon me.

Mrs. Day is in good hands now, Mr. Day.

There's nothing you and I can do at the moment to help.

- Dr. Lloyd? - Yes?

There's something that's troubling Mrs. Day's mind.

Oh?

I think you know what I refer to.

Yes. You mean the fact that you've never been baptized.

Yes, I gathered that you knew about it

from your sermon last Sunday.

But let's not get angry.

I think something had better be done about it.

Yes, Mr. Day?

When the doctors get through up there

I want you to talk to Mrs. Day.

I want you to tell her something.

Well, I'd be glad to.

You're just the man to do it.

She shouldn't be upset about this.

I want you to tell her that my being baptized

would just be a lot of confounded nonsense.

But, Mr. Day--

Oh, she'll take your word on a thing like that.

And we both must do everything we can to help her now.

But the solution is so simple.

It would take only your consent to be baptized.

That's out of the question.

And I'm surprised that a grown man like you

would suggest such a thing.

Well, doctor, how is she? What have you decided?

Is there a room we could use for our consultation?

- Oh, yes, my library. - Doctor.

Dr. Somers, this isn't serious, is it?

Uh, after we've had our consultation

we'll talk to you, Mr. Day.

But surely--

Rest assured, Dr. Somers will do

everything that is humanly possible.

Uh, we'll try not to be long.

Tell me, this Dr., uh, Somers

he's very highly thought of, isn't he?

Oh, yes.

If Vinnie is seriously..

If anyone could help her, he could.

- Don't you think? - Very fine physician.

But there is a greater help

ever-present in the hour of need.

Let us turn to him in prayer.

Let us kneel and pray.

Let us kneel and pray.

Oh, Lord, look down from heaven.

Behold, visit, and relieve this Thy servant

who is grieved with sickness.

Have mercy on her, oh, Lord.

Have mercy on this miserable sinner.

Forgive her and extend Thy accustomed--

She's not a miserable sinner, and you know it!

Oh, God! You know Vinnie is not a miserable sinner!

She's a fine woman!

'She shouldn't be made to suffer!'

It's got to stop, I tell you! It's got to stop!

Have mercy, I say!

Have mercy, I tell you!

What's the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

Vinnie. Vinnie, what are you doing down here?

You shouldn't be out of bed. You get right back upstairs.

I heard you call. Do you need me?

Vinnie, I know now how much I need you.

Get well, Vinnie. I'll be baptized.

- I promise I'll be baptized. - You will?

- I'll do anything. - Oh, Clare.

We'll go to Europe, just we two.

You won't have to worry about the children

or the household accounts or..

Vinnie.

Don't worry, Mr. Day. She'll be alright now.

Bless you for what you have done.

- What did I do? - You promised to be baptized.

I did? Oh, God!

- Isn't it drafty here, mother? - Shall I get your coat, mother?

- The draft-- - No, thank you.

I'm quite comfortable, thank you.

Come on now. Let's stay together.

Harlan, don't you get lost again.

Aren't the hats lovely this year?

Ostrich feathers.

You wouldn't wear that hat, would you, mother?

Oh, I think that's very pretty.

I think they're all pretty.

Oh, I do need some pink silk thread.

Oh, isn't this applique beautiful?

Just arrived from Paris, madam.

It's charming.

What are you looking for, mother?

Oh, I'm just shopping.

I think I'll just take a plain one.

But this is the very latest.

We've only had them in a few days.

Remember, mother, this is your first day out.

You mustn't get too tired.

No, I'm saving myself, dear.

I have to. Cousin Cora's coming tomorrow.

She is? Does father know about it?

- Not yet. - Is Mary coming too?

Yes, dear. Harlan, don't touch things.

- I'll bet you knew it. - No, honest, I didn't.

- Not tomorrow. - Yes, it is.

'Do we have any more of this material?'

- 'Yes, we do.' - 'Thank you.'

'This one is genuine imitation Dresden.'

'The original design by Duriet.'

John, isn't this the darlingest thing?

It's exactly what I've always wanted.

How much is this lovely pug dog?

Uh, $15, ma'am.

- Fifteen dollars. - Gee whiz, mother.

We can buy a real live bloodhound for $5.

Oh, isn't he perfectly adorable?

Oh, I shouldn't.

- I know I shouldn't. - 'Mrs. Day.'

Oh, Mrs. Whitehead.

How nice to see you. Are you quite recovered?

Almost. This is my first day out.

We've missed you at the church. You remember Mr. Morley.

- How do you do, Mrs. Day? - How do you do?

Mr. Morley preached the Sunday

Dr. Lloyd was ill.

Oh, yes.

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your sermon.

Even my husband enjoyed your sermon.

We've just come from the board meeting of the foreign missions.

I'm taking Mr. Morley home to lunch.

I had to drop in here to pick up a purchase.

I won't be a minute.

- Is your parish in the city? - Yes, it's on the outskirts.

My church is in Audubon Park.

Oh, way up there.

Oh, are you acquainted in Audubon Park?

No, I don't believe we know a soul there.

Mr. Morley, would this be possible?

Uh, my husband, Mr. Day..

If we lower the collar, it will be a very fine fit.

You wouldn't find a better suit of clothes in the city for $15.

Oh, it's not the price. It's the money.

Thank you for holding it for me.

You're welcome.

Goodbye, Mrs. Day. I hope we meet again soon.

Goodbye. It was very pleasant meeting you again.

I think it was divine providence.

I shall be delighted to be of service.

- Goodbye, Mr. Morley. Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- May I work it? - Oh, no.

It's against the rules.

Hello.

Oh, what did you bring home more medicine for?

Dr. Bartlett paid us off, didn't he?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, Jiminy, you scared me.

I've got to take $15 right down to McCreery's.

I bought a suit there this morning and I said

I'd have the money this afternoon.

- Gee, that's too bad. - What's too bad?

- Well, well, you see, Clarence. - What?

Dr. Bartlett paid us off in medicine.

Oh, God!

Well, he thanked us, too

for our services to mankind.

But my suit, I've got to have it tomorrow.

And besides, they're making the alterations.

I've gotta have $15.

Maybe you could offer them 15 bottles of medicine.

Oh, they wouldn't take it. McCreery's don't sell medicine.

Father!

Vinnie, I'm home!

- Good afternoon, sir. - How's your mother, Clarence?

Oh, the ride this morning did her a lot of good.

She'll be well enough to go to church with us next Sunday.

Ah, fine.

Uh, father, have you noticed

I haven't been kneeling down in church lately?

Don't let your mother catch you at it.

Then I have to have a new suit of clothes right away.

That doesn't make sense.

I can't do anything in your clothes

that you wouldn't do.

Well, if my old clothes make you

behave yourself, I don't think you ought to wear anything else.

Oh, no, you're you and I'm me. I wanna be myself.

I mean, suppose I should wanna kneel down in front of a girl.

Why in heaven's name should you want to do a thing like that?

Well, I've got to propose to a girl sometime.

- Clarence. - Oh, not right away.

But for $15, I can get a good suit of clothes.

Clarence, you're beginning to talk as crazy as your..

Hello, Vinnie. You're feeling better today, huh?

Much better. Thank you, Clare.

You don't have to hurry home from the office

every day like this.

Uh, with business the way it is, there's no use

going to the office at all.

Yes, you do look better, Vinnie. What did you do today?

Well, I got a carriage and took the boys for a ride.

And we stopped in at McCreery's, and..

Oh, Clare, I have the most wonderful news for you.

Who do you think I met?

Mr. Morley.

Morley? Never heard of him?

Remember that nice young minister

who substituted for Dr. Lloyd one Sunday.

Oh, yes. Bright, young fellow.

Preached a good sensible sermon. Short one too.

Ought to be more ministers like him.

Well, Clare, his parish is in Audubon Park.

You know, way up above Harlem.

Nobody knows you up there. You'll be perfectly safe.

Safe? Vinnie, what the devil are you talking about?

I've gone all over everything with Mr. Morley

and he's agreed to baptize you.

Oh, he has.

The young whippersnapper. Very nice of him.

We can go up there any morning.

We don't even have to make an appointment.

Who said I was going to be baptized at all?

Why, Clare, you did.

Now, Vinnie.

You gave me your promise, your sacred promise.

You said, "I'll be baptized. I promise I'll be baptized."

Well, what if I did?

Clare, aren't you a man of your word?

Vinnie, we all thought you were dying.

So naturally, I said that to cheer you up.

As a matter of fact, the doctor told me that's what cured you.

So it seems to me pretty ungrateful of you

to press this matter any further.

My being well has nothing to do with it.

You gave me your word. You gave the Lord your word.

And you're going to march yourself up to Mr. Morley's

church some morning before you go to the office

and be christened. If you think for one minute--

What in the name of heaven is that?

If you think I'm going to let you add the sin

of breaking your solemn and sacred promise--

I demand to know what that repulsive object is?

It's perfectly plain what it is. It's a pug dog.

What is it doing in this house?

I wanted it and I bought it.

You spent good money for that?

Clare, don't try to change the subject.

How much did you pay for that atrocity?

I didn't pay anything for it. I charged it.

Charged it? I might have known.

- How much was it? - Fifteen dollars.

- $15 for that eyesore? - Uh, Clare..

Don't you call this lovely work of art an eyesore.

It will look beautiful sitting on a red cushion

by the fireplace in the living room.

If that sits in the living room, I won't.

Furthermore, I don't even want it in the same house with me.

Get it out of here!

Clare..

...you're not going to get out of this room

until you set a date for your baptism.

I'll tell you one thing. I'll never be baptized

as long as that hideous monstrosity is in this house.

Alright.

Alright!

Clarence.

That pug dog goes back this afternoon

and he's christened first thing in the morning.

You heard him, didn't you, Clarence?

You heard him say that he'd be baptized

as soon as I got this pug dog out of the house.

You hurry right back to McCreery's with it

and be sure they credit us with $15.

Oh, mother, while we were at McCreery's

I happened to see a suit I'd like very much

and the suit was only $15.

Well, Clarence, I'm afraid your suit will have to wait

until after I get your father christened.

Well, no, I meant that since the suit cost

just the same as the pug dog

If I exchanged the pug dog for the suit..

Why, yes.

Then the suit wouldn't cost your father anything.

Why, how bright of you, Clarence, to think of that.

I'd better start right away before McCreery's closes.

Yes. Now let's see.

If we're going to take your father

all the way to Audubon Park..

Clarence, on your way back, you stop at the livery stable

and tell them to have a cab here at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning.

Mother, a cab? Do you think you ought to?

We can't walk all the way to Audubon Park.

But you know what a cab does to father.

This is a very important occasion.

- Alright. - Get one of their best cabs.

The kind they use at funerals.

Those cost $2 an hour. And if father gets mad--

Well, if your father starts to argue

in the morning, you remember--

Oh, he agreed to it. We both heard him.

I hope you notice Clarence is returning the pug dog.

'Well, that's a sign you're getting your faculties back.'

Don't dawdle, Clarence.

Vinnie, it's good to hear you singing again.

Oh, uh, on the way uptown

I stopped in at Tiffany's

and, uh, bought you a little something.

Thought you might like it.

Clare!

What a beautiful ring.

Well, I'm glad if it pleases you.

Oh, Clare, how sweet of you.

I don't know how to thank you.

- Mmm. - Ah.

Well, it's thanks enough for me

just to have you up and around again.

You know, when you're ill, Vinnie

this house is like a tomb.

There's no excitement.

That's the loveliest ring

you ever bought me.

Now that I have this, you needn't buy me

any more rings.

Well, if you don't want any more.

What I'd really like now is a nice diamond necklace.

Vinnie, do you know how much a diamond necklace costs?

Yes, I know, Clare. But don't you see?

Your giving me this shows

I mean a little something to you.

- Now a diamond necklace-- - Good heaven.

If you don't know by this time how I feel about you.

We've been married for 20 years

and I've loved you every minute of it.

What did you say, Clare?

I said we've been married for 20 years

and I've loved you every minute of it.

But if I have to buy out jewelry stores to prove it..

If I haven't shown it to you in my words and actions

well, I might as well..

Well, what have I done now?

It's alright, Clare.

I'm just so happy.

Happy?

You said you loved me.

And this beautiful ring

that's something else I didn't expect.

Oh, Clare, I love surprises.

That's another thing I've never understood about you, Vinnie.

Now I like to know what to expect.

- Then I'm prepared to meet it. - Yes, I know, Clare.

But life would be pretty dull

if we always knew what was coming.

Well, it's certainly not dull around here.

In this house, you never know

what's going to hit you tomorrow.

Well, then, Harlan, the very..

Who are you? What's your name?

- Margaret, sir. - Can't be Margaret.

We've got one Margaret in the house.

At home, they call me Maggie, sir.

Alright, Maggie.

If her name's Margaret, that's a good sign.

Maybe she'll stay a while.

Do you know, boys, your mother used to be

just the same about cooks as she is about maids?

Never could keep them for some reason.

Well, one day about, uh, 14 years ago..

Yes, it was right after you were born, John.

My, you were a homely baby.

Thank you, Margaret.

- Good morning, boys. - Good morning, mother.

- Good morning, Clare. - Morning, Vinnie.

Why, you look as though you were dressed for a wedding.

- Do I, dear? - 'Yes.'

- Have a good night? - Yes, thank you, Clare.

Ah, sit down, Vinnie.

Sit down, boys.

Oh, thank you, Clarence.

Well, seems to me everyone's all dressed up this morning.

What's on the program for this fine day?

Well, uh, this afternoon May Lewis' mother

is giving a party for everyone in May's dancing class.

- Harlan's going to that. - I don't want to go, mama.

Harlan, don't you wanna go to a party

and get ice cream and cake?

May Lewis always tries to kiss me!

Hmm.

When you get a little older, you won't object

to girls wanting to kiss you.

Will he, Clarence?

This is for you, Mr. Day. Where shall I put it?

Oh, that's for me, I think. Take it upstairs, Maggie.

Wait a minute, Maggie. Bring it here. Let's see it.

See, it's for me, father. Clarence Day, Jr.

Let me look. Well, that's from McCreery's.

It is marked charged. What is it?

Clare, it's alright. It's nothing for you to worry about.

Well, at least I think I should know what's being charged to me.

- What is it? - Clare, stop your fussing.

It's a new suit of clothes for Clarence

and it isn't costing you a penny.

It's marked "Charged $15."

It's costing me $15. And I told Clarence--

'Clare, can't you take my word? It isn't costing you a penny.'

I'd like to have you explain why it isn't.

Because Clarence took the pug dog back

and got the suit instead.

Of course, and they'll charge me $15 for the suit.

Nonsense, Clare, we gave them the pug dog

for the suit. Don't you see?

Then they'll charge me $15 for the pug dog.

But, Clare, they can't. We haven't got the pug dog.

- We sent that back. - Well..

Hmm?

But..

Well, now, wait a minute, Vinnie.

The suit..

The..

Well, there's something wrong with your reasoning.

Well, Clare, I'm surprised at you.

And you're supposed to be so good at figures.

Why, it's perfectly clear to me.

Vinnie, they're going to charge me for one thing or the other.

Don't you let them!

Chaa! Well, McCreery's aren't giving away suits

and they aren't giving away pug dogs.

Why, it should be clear to a child

that if Clarence sent the pug dog back, they..

Well..

I will not have that botanical freak in this room.

'John, have you been going around'

'this town selling medicine?'

- Yes, mother. - Dog medicine?

No, mother. Not dog medicine.

This letter from Mrs. Sprague says

you sold her a bottle of this medicine

and that her little boy gave some of it to their dog

and it killed him.

Now she wants $10 from us for a new dog.

Here, let me see that letter.

Well, he shouldn't have given it to a dog. It's for humans.

Why, it's Bartlett's Beneficent Balm

made from a secret formula.

Have you been going around among our friends and neighbors

selling some patent nostrum?

But it's good medicine, father. I can prove that by mother.

Vinnie, what do you know about this?

Well, nothing, Clare. But I'm sure John--

- No, I mean that day mother-- - That's enough!

You're going to every house where you sold

a bottle of that concoction and buy it all back.

But it's a dollar a bottle.

I don't care how much it is. Here.

I'll give you the money now.

- How many bottles did you sell? - One hundred and twenty eight.

One hundred and twenty eight?

Clare, I always told you

John would make a good businessman.

Young man, you'll have to come down to my office with me.

I'll give you the money to buy back that medicine.

$128, and $10 more for Mrs. Sprague's dog.

That's $138. Thank you, Vinnie.

But it's all coming out of your allowance!

That means that you'll not get another penny

until the whole $138 is paid up.

I'll be 21 years old!

Oh, God!

What the matter, Clare? What's wrong?

Those gypsies are back.

Don't anyone answer the door!

They're moving in on us again, bag and baggage.

I won't have it, I tell you.

- I won't have it! - Now, Clare--

Don't let them in!

'Clare, hush up. They'll hear you.'

'Tell them to get back in that cab'

'and drive right on to Ohio.'

'As if we could turn our own relatives away.'

They're extravagant enough to take cabs

when horse cars run right by our door.

Clare, now you be quiet and behave yourself.

John, come help with the baggage.

Why do they always have to pounce on us

without any warning?

Shh!

Cora, Mary.

Well, it's so good to have you back again.

How are you, Vinnie? We've been so worried about you.

Oh, I'm fine now. Did you have fun in Springfield?

- Oh, it was wonderful. - Was it?

John, my, you're still growing.

- Thank you, Cousin Cora. - John, go get their baggage.

- There's Whitney. - Whitney.

- How are you, darling? - Fine, thank you.

- And little Harlan. - Hello.

- Have you been a good boy? - No.

Clare, the girls are here.

Cousin Clare, here we are again.

My, my, it's so nice to be back.

- How do you do, Mr. Day? - How do you do?

Come in, sit down and have some breakfast with us.

Oh, we had breakfast at the depot.

Well, we've practically finished ours.

I haven't finished my breakfast.

Well, then sit down, Clare.

Come have a cup of coffee, anyway.

Mary, sit over there. Cora.

- Maggie, clear those places. - My, my, this seems so natural.

Clare, don't let your kippers get cold.

- Maggie, serve some coffee. - Yes, ma'am.

Oh, where's Clarence?

Uh, he must be upstairs moving his things

so you can have his room again.

Oh, oh, Vinnie, we can't stay overnight.

Grandpa Evans has been failing very fast

and that's why I have to hurry back.

We're leaving on the 5 o'clock train this afternoon.

Well, Cora, it certainly is good to see you again.

Well, who can that be?

Well, this time it can't be another

special delivery letter for Clarence.

Uh, while you were in Springfield

our postman was kept pretty busy.

- It's the cab, ma'am. - Cab? What cab?

The cab that's to take us to Audubon Park.

Oh, who's going to Audubon Park?

We all are.

Cora, the most wonderful thing has happened.

Clare is going to be baptized this morning.

Vinnie, what are you saying?

'I'm saying you're going to be baptized this morning.'

I am not going to be baptized

this morning or any other morning!

You promised yesterday that as soon as I sent

that pug dog that you'd be baptized.

I never said anything remotely like that!

Clarence was right there and heard you.

That's why I ordered the cab.

The cab.

Vinnie, you send that right back.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

I'm going to see that you go to heaven.

- I can't go to heaven in a cab. - Oh.

Oh!

Well, you can start in a cab.

I'm not sure they'll ever let you into heaven.

But I know they won't unless you're baptized.

They can't keep me out of heaven on a technicality.

Clare, stop quibbling. You may as well face it.

You've got to make your peace with God.

Until you stirred Him up, I had no trouble with God.

Harlan, Whitney, come get your Sunday hats.

- Clarence, John! - 'Yes, mother?'

Hurry, we're ready to go.

Oh, my prayer book.

Harlan, come let me fix your tie.

Vinnie, are you mad?

Was it your plan that my own children

should witness this indignity?

Why, Clare, they'll be proud of you.

I suppose Harlan is to be my godfather.

Vinnie, I won't go through with this thing. That's final.

Well, Clare dear, if you feel that way about it--

I do!

Well, we won't take the children with us.

I'm not talking about the children.

- I'm ready, mother. - Oh, John.

Vinnie, I haven't time for anything like that this morning.

I've got to take John down to my office with me

and give him the money to buy back that dog medicine.

But it wasn't dog medicine, sir.

Young man, we're starting downtown this minute.

You'll do no such thing.

You gave me your sacred promise that day I almost died.

Yes, and she would have died if we hadn't given her

some of that medicine. That proves it's good medicine.

You gave your mother some of that dog medicine?

- John, you didn't? - Yes, we did, mother.

We put some in your tea that morning.

Oh, John.

Do you realize you might have killed your mother?

You did kill Mrs. Sprague's dog.

John, I'll have to give considerable thought

as to how you are to be punished for this.

- But, Clare-- - No, Vinnie.

When I think of that day, what..

Why, we might have lost you.

You're alright now, thank heaven.

But what I went through that afternoon

the way I felt..

Well, I'll never forget it.

You've forgotten it already.

What do you mean?

That was the day you gave me

your sacred promise.

Yes, but I wouldn't have given you my promise

if I hadn't thought you were dying.

And you wouldn't have almost died

if John hadn't given you that dog medicine.

Don't you see? Well, the whole thing is illegal.

Suppose I had died.

It wouldn't make any difference to you.

You don't care whether we meet in heaven or not.

You don't care whether you ever see me and the children again.

Oh, Vinnie, you're not being fair to me.

It's alright, Clare.

If you don't love us enough

there's nothing we can do about it.

But that has nothing to do with it.

I love my family as much as any man.

All my life, I've struggled and worked just to..

Oh, God, there's that cab.

Vinnie, y-you're not well enough to go all the way to Audubon.

Oh, I'm well enough if we ride.

But that trip would take all morning.

And those cabs cost a dollar an hour.

This is one of their best cabs.

This costs $2 an hour.

Well, then why aren't you ready? Get your hat on!

Oh, tarnation!

Hallelujah! Amen!

Young lady, if it hadn't been for you

no one would have known whether I was baptized or not!

Oh, God!

Good morning, Mr. Day. Going to the office?

No! I'm going to be baptized!