Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,459
- Announcer:
Know your candidates.
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
3
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,878
"let's be real"
starts now.
4
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,799
- Larry, I'm so sick of
these third-rate political ads
5
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
6
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,135
telling me how to debate.
You're a pro.
7
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,262
You know what works on tv
and radio
8
00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:16,557
and whatever came before radio.
I did a great job.
9
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,808
You saw the ratings
and the polling
10
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:20,561
on breitbart, 4chan, 8chan.
11
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:23,147
- Well, donald, I thought
there were a few things you said
12
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,983
that could maybe use rephrasing.
13
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,152
- Rephrase what?
It was perfect.
14
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,029
- Well, when you said
that thing about
15
00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:32,698
"proud boys stand back,
stand by."
16
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,950
- I didn't say that.
Tucker, did I say that?
17
00:00:34,994 --> 00:00:37,286
- Obviously not.
Do you seriously think
18
00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:40,289
just because you saw him say it,
that means he did?
19
00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,875
That's what passes
for evidence these days?
20
00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:45,294
- Rudy, did I say that?
- Of course not.
21
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,838
Who's blackmailing you?
The ukrainians? The turks?
22
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:50,174
Was it yusef, tall guy,
eyebrows, scarf?
23
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,384
Did he mention me?
- Kanye, did I say that?
24
00:00:52,428 --> 00:00:54,470
- See? They wanna
take pieces of you,
25
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:57,380
like when gap called my
leather running shorts stupid,
26
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,183
even though harriet tubman
said they were lit!
27
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,978
- See that, larry?
You're a disgrace. Lyin' larry.
28
00:01:03,022 --> 00:01:05,397
- Donald, you used that one
for ted cruz.
29
00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,233
- You get out of this room
right now! Out! 9/11!
30
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,195
- Thanks, rudy.
It's okay, he can watch.
31
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:15,115
Look, I got this down.
Tucker, throw me any question.
32
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:18,535
- Mr. President, are we close to
reopening restaurants and bars?
33
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,371
- You're very rude.
You're a horrible journalist.
34
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,040
- How would you
characterize the effect--
35
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:24,833
- that's a very nasty question.
36
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,169
You're nasty... And chunky.
37
00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:29,296
Your face looks like
a depressed marshmallow.
38
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,256
- Great job, mr. President,
though I'm partial
39
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,133
to when you say
I'm as dumb as a war veteran.
40
00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:35,260
- Anything I miss,
I'll tweet afterwards.
41
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:37,471
- Donald, I think you
need to be more positive.
42
00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:39,306
You gotta give 'em
some real reasons,
43
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:41,558
some things that
you're gonna turn around.
44
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,269
- Look, I know the economy
is gonna come back.
45
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,555
I know these things, okay?
I have a knack.
46
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,273
I'm way ahead of you.
47
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,642
Did you know the virus
was airborne in February?
48
00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:53,070
I did.
I knew about it in December.
49
00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:54,729
I knew the bat
that started it.
50
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,865
Not a bad guy.
Just diseased.
51
00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,817
Listen, you have to admire him.
52
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:01,370
He was just another bat
in the wet market.
53
00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:05,082
Look at what he built.
Am I right, jared and ivanka?
54
00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,292
- Very nice bat.
- A lovely bat, dad.
55
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:10,170
♪♪
56
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:16,176
- okay, joe, we just have
two more of these.
57
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:18,679
Let's go over
your talking points.
58
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,098
- Trump bad.
- Beautiful.
59
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,642
Okay,
you just stand there, joe,
60
00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:25,435
and not be trump.
61
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,272
- Oh. Hmm. Kind of tight.
62
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,941
So, barack will just
squeeze in next to me?
63
00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,152
- We've gone over this, joe.
64
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:37,364
Barack won't be next to you
for any of these debates.
65
00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:40,367
- Well, how the heck are people
gonna know I work with barack?
66
00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:43,495
- Well, you could say
something like,
67
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:45,706
"when president obama
and I were..."
68
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,457
- folks...
69
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,585
[sips]
70
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,504
barack and I,
we're like brothers.
71
00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,256
Not in a black soul brother way.
72
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,216
Come on, I see
what you're doing.
73
00:02:56,260 --> 00:03:00,387
Anyway, we killed osama,
both of us, 50-50.
74
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,931
I killed the top half,
he killed the bottom half.
75
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,142
Hey, so don't come here
and tell me
76
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:07,436
and give me that,
you know, that non...
77
00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:08,937
Anyway, my time's up.
78
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,523
- Okay. Very good, joe.
79
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:15,360
Leave 'em wanting
much, much more.
80
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:16,904
- So, who's playing trump?
81
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:20,365
- Well, joe,
we couldn't find anyone
82
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:25,078
quite as dangerously unhinged
and erratic as the president,
83
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:28,207
so I settled
on this rabid badger.
84
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,167
[cage rattles]
- okay, let's see what ya got.
85
00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:33,212
[badger snarling]
86
00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:35,130
that's baloney!
Nobody's buying it!
87
00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:38,217
[snarling]
88
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:41,253
look, this kind of thing,
this rrarr-rrarr stuff
89
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,096
this guy tells you,
you know the deal.
90
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,098
He's not
gonna do any of that.
91
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,100
He's had four years
to do that.
92
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,427
Come on, will you shut up, man?
[snarling]
93
00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:51,355
♪♪
94
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,357
- thank you so much!
95
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,275
I can't tell you
how absolutely snoggered I am
96
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,445
to have someone in the car
again! Sugar ray himself!
97
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,155
- Well, thank you, james,
but I'm mark mcgrath.
98
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,199
The band was sugar ray.
99
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:04,117
- You wouldn't believe
how difficult it's been
100
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:05,577
to get celebrities
in close quarters,
101
00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,829
but now everything's
back to normal.
102
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:08,497
- I mean, I don't know
about that.
103
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,906
- Everyone's buzzing
104
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,166
about this banger
of an election, and here I am
105
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,994
with one of the biggest stars
in the universe!
106
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:14,962
- That's kind of you, bro,
but I'm just--
107
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,964
- yes, you are!
You're everywhere!
108
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,467
"celebrity big brother,"
"2013 celebrity wife swap,"
109
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:23,637
um, etcetera.
It's all happening!
110
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,097
May I turn on
the radio for a scooch?
111
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,298
- Yeah.
112
00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:29,184
Both:
♪ I just wanna fly ♪
113
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:30,102
♪ like a birdie in the sky
I'm so high ♪
114
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,478
- perfection!
115
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,314
"stairway to heaven" is
a train wreck by comparison.
116
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:35,399
This should be
the national anthem.
117
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,442
- ♪ I just wanna ♪
[clears throat]
118
00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:39,569
- sorry,
was that a cough, luv?
119
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,447
- Uh, no, just a little,
uh, popcorn in my throat.
120
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,409
- Right.
121
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,576
♪ I just wanna fly ♪
122
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,161
oh, what fun.
123
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,080
We're proper social distancing
and such,
124
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:52,040
to set an example.
- Happy to do it.
125
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,834
- It's like
you're being chauffeured.
126
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,168
I bet it's been a while.
- You know, actually,
127
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:58,046
I drove a limo
for "celebrity job swap,"
128
00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,339
but it never aired
for some reason.
129
00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:02,092
- Oh, I love that one!
- [clears throat]
130
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,138
♪ hey now,
you're an all-star ♪
131
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,974
- oh, so much fun.
Sorry, mark.
132
00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,392
I was panicking,
now we're glorious!
133
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,312
But you really
outdid yourself here!
134
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:16,231
- It's cool, james,
but that's a smash mouth song.
135
00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:19,067
- Beg pardon, luv,
I can't hear.
136
00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:22,571
- It's a smash mouth song called
"all star." huge hit in 1999.
137
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:24,281
- Just bloody sing it!
138
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,116
- ♪ hey now you're an all-star ♪
[phone rings]
139
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,454
- what? A real celebrity?
Who? Are you serious?
140
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,372
He wants to do it now?
Where is he?
141
00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:35,459
- Yo, let me in, fam!
- Kanye!
142
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,460
[brakes screech]
143
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,254
[thudding]
144
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:43,091
kanye, I can't believe this!
A music legend,
145
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,801
and a genuine
presidential candidate
146
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,345
in seven lucky states!
147
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,014
- They want to silence me,
but closed mouths cannot--
148
00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:50,140
[car thumps]
what's that?
149
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,434
- Oh, a speed bump. No bother.
150
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,312
What shall we play?
I so love "gold digger."
151
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,272
- nah, I got this, fam!
I'm here to fix
152
00:05:57,316 --> 00:06:00,025
what the politicians broke!
Ah-choo!
153
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,361
- [laughs]
oh, that's all right, luv.
154
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,322
It's an honor!
Megastar spittle!
155
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,282
- Check out my south carolina
campaign speech!
156
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,951
- Oh, I love this one.
A classic.
157
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,538
Both:
"well, harriet tubman never
actually freed the slaves.
158
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:16,083
She just had the slaves go work
for other white people."
159
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,168
[tapping on window]
160
00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:21,004
- you guys got any bactine?
- I'm talking to kanye!
161
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:25,083
♪♪
162
00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:27,928
- now, joe,
your practice moderator
163
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,930
will be rachel maddow.
164
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,391
- Good evening,
mr. Vice president.
165
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:35,811
So, here's how this
is going to work. I'm sorry.
166
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:39,272
Here's how this would work
in normal times,
167
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,609
but we're not living
in normal times, are we?
168
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,562
- Is... Is that
our first question?
169
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:49,324
- No, mr. Vice president.
The first question is,
170
00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:53,286
how did we get here?
The year was 1858.
171
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:56,581
The country was at a crossroads.
- Rachel, dear,
172
00:06:56,625 --> 00:07:00,043
I said, if you take
more than 20 seconds, joe...
173
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,420
- [snoring]
174
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:04,047
- is he dead?
'cause I'm ready.
175
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,259
Got the oath of office
right here. Just say the word.
176
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,594
- Uh, no, kamala.
- [mumbling] barack obama...
177
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,012
- Is he awake now?
178
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:14,215
- For 35 cents, you can own
a two-bedroom home.
179
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,226
The beer foamed up
differently that day.
180
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:20,564
- No, no, joe tells longwinded
anecdotes, even when sleeping.
181
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,066
Doctors call it
sleep meandering.
182
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,519
Rachel, please,
get to the point.
183
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:29,322
- And thanks to the invention
of the telegraph...
184
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,491
Calligraphy, of course,
has a very long
185
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,034
and complicated history...
186
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,371
How much do we really know
about guglielmo marconi?
187
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:40,542
Radio waves... Someone we still
want to be promoting in 2020...
188
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:44,004
Which is how opium first
became entrenched in our cities.
189
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,547
Of course...
- [snoring]
190
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,383
- I guess they're all
gonna be out for a while.
191
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,552
Give me some volume
and check for ticks.
192
00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,596
♪♪
193
00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,187
♪♪
194
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,606
- and welcome back
to "a.M. Sarasota."
195
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,066
it is 72 degrees and warm.
196
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,944
Looks like
another winner. Charlie?
197
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,530
- Yes, it does. That's why
there's no better place to be
198
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,449
than here in central florida
199
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:16,453
on the best midmorning show
in the region.
200
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:19,498
- You've got that right. And
joining us here in the studio
201
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,742
are two of your favorites. You
loved him as norm from "cheers,"
202
00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:25,504
george wendt, and loved her
on "sister, sister."
203
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,005
please welcome jackee.
204
00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:28,215
- They are soon to be starring
205
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,550
in the revival
of "hello, dolly!"
206
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:34,221
at the broadway palm dinner
theatre in fort myers. Welcome.
207
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,263
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
208
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:36,973
- "hello, dolly!"
209
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,133
it takes place
in a simpler time,
210
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,436
when women sought matchmakers
to find men.
211
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,314
Nowadays, of course,
that would be considered wrong,
212
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:48,318
but people from that era
were not bad people, were they?
213
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,444
- Well, I certainly don't think
214
00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,396
that dolly levi
was a bad person.
215
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,573
I mean, for her time,
she was, you know, quite...
216
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:57,536
- Do you ever find that people
often consider something wrong,
217
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,612
but then we learn that,
218
00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:02,332
to people
from an earlier time--
219
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:05,752
even recent times--
it was 100% not wrong?
220
00:09:07,789 --> 00:09:08,505
- Well...
221
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:13,134
♪♪
222
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,264
- I'm sorry.
What was the question again?
223
00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:21,184
- Ah! So, you forget
what was just asked of you,
224
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,688
so you'd agree, if someone
tells an internal investigator
225
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:30,277
"I don't recall" once or even
15 times in his deposition,
226
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,405
it's perfectly reasonable.
- Well, I heard what you asked.
227
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,365
I just don't know
what you meant.
228
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:38,910
- And so maybe there was
some sort of miscommunication.
229
00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:41,496
In other words, what you think
you heard me say
230
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:44,916
was different from what
I intended,
231
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,086
so the obvious solution
would be to let it go
232
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:51,256
and move on with our lives,
right?
233
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,175
- I think what charlie
is saying is,
234
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:57,971
we once thought it was fine
to smoke on an elevator,
235
00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:00,140
and now it's not.
236
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,475
Or if a man would close
a bathroom door
237
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:06,146
to be alone with a woman,
that was considered flirting,
238
00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:09,107
and now it's not.
239
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,817
- Are you guys talking about
your me too thing?
240
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,987
- Me too? Really? In 2020?
241
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:16,364
- With all the turmoil
in the world this year,
242
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:20,327
between the covid-19 outbreak
and black lives matter protests,
243
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,288
does anyone even care
or remember
244
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,874
the things we were
obsessed about in 2019,
245
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,334
like which white person
246
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:32,380
may or may not have groped
another white person?
247
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,591
- Can you guys stick around
for our cooking segment?
248
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:35,967
- Uh...
- No.
249
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:37,010
- No, not really.
- We can't.
250
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:42,006
[button clicks,
steel bars clanking]
251
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:42,515
- we'll be right back.
252
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:46,094
♪♪
253
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,437
- mr. Vice president,
won't you consider
254
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,315
wearing a mask indoors
or at least in the elevator?
255
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,525
- The president's not afraid,
and neither am I.
256
00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:55,362
We can't let our silly little
fears get the best of us.
257
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,489
- Yes, sir.
- [clears throat]
258
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,949
- wait! Come back!
I'm alone with a...
259
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,951
[doors slam shut]
260
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,161
...Woman.
261
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:07,123
♪♪
262
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:11,252
relax, mike. It's gonna be fine.
It's one quick elevator ride.
263
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,963
♪♪
264
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,423
- good afternoon,
mr. Vice president.
265
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,258
- I love my wife!
266
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:22,305
[bell dinging, clock ticking]
267
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:26,434
dear lord, this has gone
far enough. I have to tell her.
268
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:27,977
♪♪
269
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,145
- hello?
270
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,231
- Karen, I've dishonored you!
271
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:34,109
I'm in an elevator with another
woman! Please forgive me!
272
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:37,153
- How could you, mike? Thou
shalt reap what thou soweth!
273
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,198
Feldman! Yes, you!
Come in here now!
274
00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,533
- Karen, what's happening?
275
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,535
- He's watching me
brush my hair!
276
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,995
- No!
- Too late, mike!
277
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,039
Now we're holding
opposite ends of the doorknob
278
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,959
at the same time!
279
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:54,045
- Mother, I'm begging you,
I'll never do this again.
280
00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:56,464
I'll have every elevator
thoroughly vetted.
281
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,007
[disconnected call beeps]
282
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,553
[sighs] I left her no choice.
283
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,263
[elevator bell dings]
284
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,056
[sighs]
285
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,891
♪♪
286
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:11,229
oh, jesus,
why are you testing me?
287
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,606
[elevator jolts]
[groans]
288
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,025
- I think it's stuck!
289
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,569
[phone rings]
290
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,655
- mike, I've decided to
forgive you. Just come up.
291
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,449
- I can't. We're stuck.
292
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,826
- "we're"? "we're"?!
293
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,203
- [sobs] yes.
- Feldman, get back in here!
294
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,205
And bring those
maintenance men with you!
295
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,584
- No! [groans]
oh, I've got to get out. Oh!
296
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,336
I've got to get out!
Got to get out of here!
297
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,504
[hyperventilating]
298
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,382
oh, hallelujah.
299
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,383
[bell dings]
300
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:43,511
oh.
301
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,263
Come on.
[tapping]
302
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:50,268
♪♪
303
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:53,980
oh... Aren't you...?
304
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:57,400
- Yes, I'm widow von'du
from "rupaul's drag race."
305
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,735
♪♪
306
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,361
- can't take the risk.
307
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,488
♪♪
308
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,322
[shattering glass]
309
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,449
♪♪
310
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,242
- announcer: You loved him
on the campaign trail!
311
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,369
- "corn pop" was a bad dude.
312
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:09,445
If you can't figure out
if you're for me or trump,
313
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,039
you ain't black.
314
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,574
Poor kids are just as bright
as white kids.
315
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:17,420
- Announcer: Now, joe biden has
his own brand new game show!
316
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,339
- I like barbecue,
I'm a pretty good dancer,
317
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,132
my team's the miami heat,
318
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,300
I do a lot of shopping
at patagonia...
319
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:25,720
[buzzer]
- you ain't black!
320
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:28,097
- I enjoy hip hop,
I went to howard university,
321
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,265
and I like bar trivia.
322
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,476
[buzzer]
- you ain't black!
323
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,229
Hey, look, I mean,
I misspoke, okay,
324
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:37,315
when I said not voting for me
makes you not black.
325
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,193
I know there are all kinds of
things that make you not black,
326
00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:43,905
so let's have some fun
and win some money!
327
00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,114
- I was born and raised
in atlanta,
328
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,315
my dad's a security guard...
329
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,910
[buzzer]
- you ain't black!
330
00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:51,329
- Well, I drive a chevy,
I'm a side sleeper...
331
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,623
[buzzer]
- you ain't black!
332
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,000
- How does side sleeping
make me not...?
333
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:58,211
- My judgments are final.
Too bad.
334
00:13:58,255 --> 00:14:00,505
She was just
three black attributes away
335
00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:03,007
from winning the $10,000.
336
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,217
- I like stew...
337
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,969
[buzzer]
- you ain't black!
338
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,178
- I'm 6'1"...
339
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:10,181
[buzzer]
- you ain't black!
340
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,267
- I'm not playing this game.
341
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:15,395
I mean, the whole premise
is offensive. Who are you...
342
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,605
Who is anyone to presume
343
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:20,066
to determine another
individual's identity?
344
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:23,194
- [sighs]
you know, thank you.
345
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:25,238
I think I just learned
something here
346
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,199
about how no person's race
defines him,
347
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:31,870
that there are all kinds
of varieties within any race
348
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,372
and that folks need to be
treated like they're unique,
349
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,166
'cause they are.
I also learned...
350
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,002
[buzzer]
you ain't black!
351
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,295
♪♪
352
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,548
- well, that
quote/unquote comedy skit
353
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:45,383
was simply appalling.
354
00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:48,386
Hey, look,
I enjoy a good comedy
355
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,388
when it's about conservatives,
356
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:54,225
but that is not the joe biden
I know,
357
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:57,186
the joe biden who thinks
everyone is black,
358
00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,315
and in protest,
I'm wearing this scarf
359
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:03,234
featuring the cast
of "moesha."
360
00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,320
♪♪
- we're back.
361
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:09,198
- Rolf, tell us what
you've done with this chicken.
362
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,117
- I soaked it
in a brine solution
363
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,577
before separating the skin
364
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,413
and stuffed it with
a peppers and basil paste.
365
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,332
- And it just sat there
and let you?
366
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,334
- Well, yes.
367
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:22,003
- Because sometimes you assume
a chicken is okay
368
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,504
with what you're doing,
369
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,382
because they're not
openly objecting to it,
370
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,384
and then, years later,
371
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,971
they're using new terms
like "power imbalance."
372
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,223
- it--it makes
the skin crispier.
373
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:38,269
- All right. Well, I can't
wait to sink my teeth into it.
374
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:42,273
- I hear you. Can't wait
to get my face all up in that.
375
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,359
George, you want in on this?
376
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,403
- I don't eat chicken...
377
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,030
From now on.
378
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,366
♪♪
379
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,581
- larry, this next debate,
I'm gonna destroy him,
380
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,291
'cause we have an audience.
381
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,168
- Donald, there's--
there's no audience.
382
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,504
- No, but we get
cardboard cutouts.
383
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,255
Each side gets cutouts.
384
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,341
Look who we're gonna have
on our side.
385
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,842
In the front row...
386
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,887
Look at this. Huge stars.
Tom hanks. See?
387
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,598
No more antonio sabato jr. For
once.
388
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,633
John wayne, great guy.
389
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,018
Charlie chaplin...
390
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:21,604
Tucker carlson,
kind of a [bleep],
391
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:23,648
but people love him.
Not sure why.
392
00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,401
- Sir, I'm actually here.
- Oh, great. Okay.
393
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:27,986
I picked these myself.
394
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:30,446
Here's jesus.
I got the great blacks.
395
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,074
Martin luther king,
malcolm x...
396
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,367
- Donald,
that's not malcolm x.
397
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,369
That's the guy
from "this is us."
398
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,621
- what? There's another
black guy with glasses?
399
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,123
Will anyone notice?
400
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,541
- Not a chance! Idiots!
401
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,252
- Ivanka?
- I recognize my dad's racism
402
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,004
may not be
to everyone's taste,
403
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:48,006
but the results
speak for themselves.
404
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,416
- Let's see biden
top malcolm x.
405
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,468
- Biden's got
the real tom hanks!
406
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,304
All the biggies,
like me, 30 years ago.
407
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,591
- Where does biden get off?
Biden was vice president.
408
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,102
That doesn't make him
qualified to be president.
409
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:04,814
I see how it all works.
All the vp does is stand there,
410
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,276
nodding nervously while the
president watches tv and tweets.
411
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,487
It's a moron's job.
Vice presidents are nothing
412
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,157
but spineless,
homophobic religious nuts
413
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,950
who weep uncontrollably
414
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:19,070
every time I show them
a picture of my ex-wife's boobs.
415
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,163
Anyway, mike...
- Yes, sir?
416
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,498
- Better start prepping
for your debate.
417
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,251
They're gonna kill you on
how you handled the china virus.
418
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:28,546
I tried to defend you,
but you really dropped the ball.
419
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:32,300
- Yes, sir, I apologize.
- Donald, you put him in charge.
420
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:35,428
- Excuse me,
crazy crooked larry.
421
00:17:35,463 --> 00:17:37,263
- Hey, call me whatever
you want. You screwed up,
422
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,548
and you know what?
You're gonna lose.
423
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,434
- Really? I can call you
whatever I want?
424
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:45,021
Even what I call jared when he
says he can't work on saturdays?
425
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,148
- You're ten points behind.
426
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:50,526
I got a nickname for you.
One-term donald.
427
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,112
♪♪
428
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,940
- he's right. I'm not
gonna catch up this way.
429
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,577
I gotta get back to doing
what I did in 2016.
430
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,412
I need to make some calls.
431
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:05,124
Hi, stormy. Guess who?
- Oh, god.
432
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,293
- Close.
Anyway, I need your help.
433
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,379
I'm trying to recapture
the magic of 2016
434
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,091
and recreate everything that
happened that helped me win.
435
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,176
- What?
436
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,304
- I want to pay you hush money
like I did in 2016.
437
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,506
- Okay, sure.
- But I guess we need
438
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,476
to have sex again
to make it clean.
439
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,270
- That is absolutely
never gonna happen.
440
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,722
- I guess I should thank you
for not telling everyone
441
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:31,192
some of the more embarrassing
details of our time together.
442
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,862
- Oh, what? That you said,
"condoms are a hoax"?
443
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,364
- I stand by that.
- How about that you
444
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,075
referred to my breasts
as "fox & friends"?
445
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,985
- I forget which one's which.
446
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,537
- I'm sorry, why are you
bringing this up again?
447
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,498
- Are you kidding? The whole
scandal was great for me.
448
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,250
It showed I was still a player
449
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,294
and that I actually paid someone
for the work they did.
450
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,922
- How about this?
I don't want you to talk to me,
451
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,423
I don't want you
to come near me,
452
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:58,052
I don't even want you
to look at me ever again.
453
00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,512
- You mean,
you want to get married?
454
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,597
- Goodbye, donald.
455
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,391
[disconnected beep]
456
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:04,350
[laughter]
- jimmy!
457
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,144
- Oh. What do you want?
458
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:09,105
- Well,
I want to recreate 2016
459
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:12,108
and I need some third-rate
tv host like billy bush
460
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,527
to have a gross conversation
with me
461
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:18,364
that will destroy his life
while I emerge unscathed.
462
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,616
It's a win-win.
- How do I win in this?
463
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,368
- Well, I mean, for me.
It's two wins for me.
464
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,370
- Oh.
- I get to stay president
465
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,039
and have a disgusting
conversation. What do you say?
466
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,958
- Mr. President,
you can't be here
467
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,335
without being tested for covid.
- Test me, test me.
468
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,463
Don't be a wimp.
Stick it up there. Deeper!
469
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,132
- There you go.
Is that deep enough?
470
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:38,509
- I haven't paid taxes
in 15 years.
471
00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:40,094
- Yes, I read that.
472
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,463
- I owe the russian mob
a billion dollars.
473
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,932
- Why are you saying this?
- I think the swab
474
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,143
turned off the part
of my brain that lies.
475
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,604
- Oh! Keep talking.
- Hydroxychloriquine
476
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,398
is only good for killing weeds
and erections.
477
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,525
- I had a feeling.
- Get it out!
478
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:56,569
Okay, where--where were we?
- I don't know.
479
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:59,113
- Oh, yes, yes.
Let's ruin your career.
480
00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,491
Which me too did you
find the most unfair?
481
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,161
For me, it was cosby.
- Oh, my god.
482
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,872
- Here's where you giggle
and egg me on.
483
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,498
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
484
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,459
- I was never a fan
of fat albert, though.
485
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:14,670
You know, you can't put
someone that fat on tv,
486
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,881
even animated.
It's unfair to the viewer.
487
00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:19,291
- I really have to get going.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
488
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:22,428
How about
the tomb of the unknown soldier?
489
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,431
Maybe if he had done something
a little more brave,
490
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:28,351
we'd remember his name, right?
- Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
491
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:32,063
- Hold on, hold on. Amber
alerts--how annoying, right?
492
00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:34,273
Just because amber's day
is ruined
493
00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:36,400
doesn't mean mine has to be.
- Okay, yeah, I'm going.
494
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,236
- Handicapped spaces
495
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,404
should be further
from the front of the store.
496
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:44,200
It's much easier to roll
than to walk. You laughed!
497
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,035
- I did not laugh.
- I heard it!
498
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,453
He laughed! He--he laughed.
499
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,331
♪♪
500
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,380
- you're my last shot.
Billy. Billy?
501
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:58,839
Can I come on the bus?
502
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,466
- I really can't do that, sir.
503
00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:02,468
- Why not?
Look at all the press we got.
504
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:04,336
Everyone was talking about us.
505
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,973
- I don't think my sense
of shame would allow it.
506
00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,183
- Let me talk to this shame guy.
Who is he?
507
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,102
Does he want
a medal of freedom?
508
00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:14,230
- Look, shame is not a guy.
Shame is the thing we all feel
509
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,640
when we've done something
we aren't proud of.
510
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:20,361
- Oh, like when I had eric.
- Sir, I'm very busy.
511
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:23,030
- Wait! I love your show!
I could help you!
512
00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:25,408
I have the peepee tape.
I didn't want to do this,
513
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,326
but you're a tough negotiator.
514
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:30,621
All I ask is that you blur out
the person doing the peeing.
515
00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:34,000
It would kill rand paul's family
to see him like that.
516
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:34,667
[disconnected call, dial tone]
37151
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
