Original subtitles

- Francis Ponge once said, "Man is the future of man."

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Truth is, evolution is a clever little bitch.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(mellow music)

Let's steal a page from Milton

and start this story in hell.

(beeping)

Fuck.

- WTF Lizardman, are you breaking my machine?

- It's LeSeurdmin, Mr. Crowder, and no,

I'm just trying to fix it, again.

- Let's see what your numbers are like today.

- Well I'm-- - Looking kind of low.

- [Peter] I'll hit my 50, Mister--

- 50 is the bare minimum.

Someone with your experience should really

be more proficient, catch my Tokyo drift, Lizardman.

- Well everyday this damn thing--

- Just get your numbers up.

I'm not going to keep saying this to you.

And clean up your language, no one likes a dirty mouth.

- Asshole.

- Some copier issues there, Pete?

- Hey Joanne.

- I remember when we had that model upstairs.

It was nothing but trouble.

Legal, standard, executive, size.

It used to clog on any seven.

- Is that so?

- [Joanne] Mm-hm, in fact, Sally, Erica and I used

to call it the crappier.

- Oh yeah?

- I'm going to the crappier, girls.

Anybody need any crappies?

Careful when the crappies come out,

they can be a bit warm.

(laughing)

I don't miss it.

- Well I'm a little bit busy right now, so if you could--

- Oh, you know what I found works is?

If you twist lever D more than--

(gentle music)

- Hello Peter, hot enough for ya?

(gun firing)

- Hey there, are we having fun yet?

(groaning)

- Peter, just another day in paradise, huh?

- You've made my day. (weapon firing)

- No, don't eat that marshmallow.

Todd just cleaned the kitchen--

(mumbles) (laughing)

- Where have you been?

You're three minutes late.

Let's see what the big guy thinks of this.

(booming)

- Um, he doesn't mind.

- Who do you think you--

(groaning)

- Merry Monday morning, Peter.

Somebody's a Grumpy Gus today, aren't they?

(grunting)

You know what I find works best is,

if you smash the orbital bone first,

that causes the most amount of swelling.

(grunting)

(mumbles)

(thumping)

(groaning)

- Look at you, man, you're no better than the monkey.

Come on, let's grab a drink after work.

- I can't. - Can't?

You look frazzled as shit, my friend.

It seems like you need one.

- No, I'm supposed to have dinner

with Nicole's parents tonight.

- I never thought I'd see the day

when Peter B. Lizardman turns down a free beer.

- LeSeurdmin, dick and I should really--

(beeping)

(rock music)

- So someone asks to borrow your pen,

which you've already got loaded right in here.

Normally you'd have to dig all around your drawer

to find one, but instead of having to rastle that hassle,

digging through Post-its and paperclips and tacks.

Yeowch!

- The worst, I need help now.

- Well worry no more.

Short, medium or far, it'll get to where you are.

(beeping)

- And it pierces even the thickest of moose skulls.

- What the hell?

It worked last night.

- I must say, I'm quite interested in your product, sir.

Now what's it like when set on far?

- Yeah, yeah, go on, yuck it up.

But sooner or later, I'll hit it big

and Vernon Becker will be on the cover of Forbes.

- All right, time for dinner with Nicole

and the blue bloods.

- You Lizardman?

- I'm LeSeurdmin.

- You drink? - I drink.

- You never lose? - That's right.

- That's wrong. - Says who?

- Says George Lucas.

- Well as much as I'd like to, Mister?

- Hodge.

- As much as I'd like to, Hodge,

I've got somewhere to be.

Tell George we'll have to rain check it.

- 200 bucks and a box of tampons.

For your big, womanly vagina.

(gentle piano music)

- Pete, where the hell are you?

You're an hour late.

- Nicky, I'm just packing things up here.

About to head out the door.

- Is that music I hear in the background?

Are you at the bar?

- No, no, the sales team is rehearsing

for the company talent show.

- Hey Petey, this big boy's about to go.

- [Nicole] Is that Becker?

What's he saying?

- Just that I need to finish something quickly.

I'll see you soon.

All right, kid, wake up.

Two carpet bombs.

In retrospect, a quintuple shot of Jack

was a bad idea but hindsight's 20/20.

Usually it's like water to me.

But that night, Jack stopped my brain

with a pair of golf cleats.

(easygoing music)

How I got to dinner, I don't quite know.

But from what I can recall, I wasted no time

destroying the one good thing I had in my life.

I remember being upset about something.

No jalapeno poppers, are you shitting me?

No jalapeno pop, how could you not have

any jalapeno poppers at your place?

Where's the chef?

I wanna tell him he's an asshole.

After that, it's just flashes of consciousness.

(easygoing music)

The morning after, that's when things really spiraled.

(truck beeping)

Hello hangover.

Well this is a new one.

Nicole, what is this?

- Pete, I was hoping not to have to--

- You degenerate gutter snipe.

I ought to barks your ears.

- Daddy, no, let me--

- Someone needs to teach this boarish fiend some civility.

- You're gonna box my ears?

- Oh, a wisenheimer, eh?

A little ham and mustard ought to soothe that sass.

- Daddy-- (grunting)

- Time for a thumpin'.

Nicole, alert the press.

This will be a newsworthy beating.

- Daddy.

- I'll rumple you like cheap calico.

- Dad, stop it!

- Just say the word, honey and it's curtains for you.

- Just wait in the car.

- Box my ears?

Your dad knows I'm not a scant from the '20s right?

- Pete, shut up.

- On come on, monkey butt--

- Don't even try it.

- Hey is that my flat screen TV?

- No, that's my flat screen TV.

- My Pizza Pizzazzler, I need that.

You know to guide my ordinary pizzas

down the runway of taste.

- Do you even remember how much

you embarrassed me last night?

- I-- - No you don't!

Because you are an unhappy, self centered ass.

Maybe the writing isn't as good as you think.

- Well we can't all find happiness as a receptionist.

- At least I moved on, you asshole.

- Moved on, oh, so who are you fucking now?

Is it Brandon from the library?

- I can't believe you would even think that.

I can't do this anymore, good bye.

- Nicole, wait, come on, I didn't mean--

- You need to adapt to the real world, Pete,

or you'll always be miserable.

- Nicole, Nicole, come on.

- [Father] (scoffs) Animal.

- Nicole!

All right, fine, go!

You were holding me back anyway.

- Everything all right, Peter?

- Yeah, couldn't be better, Randall.

- Glad to hear it.

(groaning)

- I need a drink.

(mysterious music)

Well hello, Mr. Lucases.

She took everything all right.

Not much left but just some crappy furniture,

some dust and an old Halloween costume.

Ah, nut sack.

- [Bartender] You want another one?

- Yeah. - Sure thing.

- No wait, let's make a night of it.

Give me something rare.

- English, Irish, German?

- No, something real exotic.

- [Bartender] Moldavian, Uzbekistanian--

- Look, just give me the strangest shit you got.

- Well I have something but...

- But what?

(mysterious music)

- This is Reptiale, beer with a venomous kick.

The Natives make a whole line of this crazy shit, man.

This has got actual gila monster venom in it.

Crazy Indians, man.

Hey and look, you're already dressed the part.

- Must be Providence, how much?

- Well that's the thing, it's not yet approved

by the FDA, so we bartered with those Indian nut balls

on a free market sort of thing.

- Uh-huh, how much?

- Eh, 14.

- Dollars?

- Look, I'm not even sure I'm comfortable

selling this stuff.

I mean the caps are made out of clay for Christ sake.

- Wait, give me two.

And keep that box handy, my man.

- Supposedly it's best served at room temperate.

They say it's got more bite that way,

but you know, there's rumors about that stuff

being tough on your vocal, whoa, whoa!

Slow down, sonny, that's about 16% alcohol in there.

(contemplative music)

(burping)

All right, but don't say I didn't warn ya.

- [Announcer] The Tigers nodded up here

in the seventh and quite a hum dinger, zero zero.

These two are locked in quite a battle now.

- [Announcer] Spot on Craig.

This is a classic case of pitcher and batter.

Are giving each other the business.

What athletes.

- [Announcer] And Smiths has his pitch.

- [Announcer] Oh my goodness, he changes his mind

on the pitch.

Pull out your note pads students

because Freud is working a psych job.

What athletes, what athletes. - What's this crap?

- What, not a Tigers fan?

- I'm not a fan of boring shit.

Turn the hockey match on.

- Hockey? Oh!

Now that's boring.

- What, you gotta be tough as nails to play hockey.

That's a real sport, now come on, change the channel.

- Okay, okay.

- Did you see Karen last night?

She was smokin' hot, bro.

- Yes, I did, she is quite beautiful.

Want something to drink?

- Beer me.

Hey buddy, want one?

(groaning)

- Nimbo like jellybean.

- Did you just give him one?

- Yeah, why?

- Nimbo, no, no, no, no, don't eat that!

- Uh oh!

(booming)

- Jellybean.

- Nimbo sorry.

(laughing)

- Oop, he ate the jellybean.

(laughing)

- What the hell is that?

- Wha, you've never seen How I Met Your Nimbo?

- What the fuck is a Nimbo?

(laughs)

- You are in for a treat, my friend.

You find out a little more each week.

Nimbo is a space refugee who's docked in the US

to escape the Bazikians.

Nimbo's got a gamblin' problem, see,

and he owes them money.

So he lands in the back of Todd Pazinsky's lawn

and he takes him in.

Todd is a real neat freak though.

Oh spoiler alert, you'll find that out in week two.

So every time Nimbo sneezes like he did just there,

Todd gets so upset because he shoots out

a bunch of Nim dust.

- And this is enjoyable for you?

- Yeah, I think it's pretty clever.

The writers are former Columbia students.

- That's what's become of Columbia University?

- Well Columbia, Chicago.

- You morons are just supporting a declining culture.

- [Bartender] It's just good fun.

- No, I'm telling you right now, if you like that show,

or any insipid show like it,

then you are a fucking moron.

- All right, buddy, I think you've had enough.

- The hell I have!

I paid for this and I'm gonna finish it.

You can't boot me out just

because I learned you're a dumbass.

Oh beat it, Burt Reynolds.

(groaning)

- Oh I wouldn't mess with Keith.

He played D1 football.

(coughing)

- And I played hockey.

- You son of a (grunts).

(rock music)

I'm gonna kill you.

- Quality beer in a quality bottle.

I'll give you 100 for the box.

- Yeah, okay.

(bird chirping)

- I don't know how to adapt.

You take my clothes, well I'll wear my finest suit ever.

I never change, I'm trying a brand new beer tonight

and I love it.

Who needs you?

I can do whatever I want.

(coughing)

You see, Nicole, not even the elements can stop me.

If water can't hurt me, then you can't hurt me.

I'm invincible, invincible!

(frog croaking)

You don't know how good you got it, buddy.

No seriously man, I wish I was just a lizard.

I wouldn't have to deal with all this human bullshit.

Fuck it.

(croaking)

Like a reverie, caught in a dream,

buried in a Stygian nightmare.

An ephemeral moment fluttering away.

Humanity dissipated.

My throat, so dry.

Head, so dizzy.

This suit, it's stuck to my skin.

God, damn it!

I didn't know it right then but I had just woken up

on the shore of a new reality.

(squeaking)

- I still don't understand why we're stallin' all this.

Just let me go out there and take care of it right away.

- [Man] Relax, my boy.

- How can we relax right now?

I should be out there handling this,

not sittin' around with my damn thumb

in my fucking asshole.

- [Man] Now's not the time to be impetuous.

(groaning)

Calm down, Ra.

(groaning)

I said calm down!

Where's your yum yum juice?

Videlia, Videlia, are you even listening?

- Yeah.

- [Man] Get over here and give me Ra his yum yum juice.

(laughing)

Yes, that's better.

Respect the pouch.

Videlia, your hat please.

- [Chives] Stakes are just as high

for us too you know.

- [Man] The stakes, you don't think I know about stakes?

- I think he's just trying to say that--

- I know what he's trying to say, Videlia

and I'm telling you no, we don't know enough

about him yet and we won't go into this

without a proper recipe.

We need to approach this carefully.

You will work together and you will not engage him

until I tell you to, understood?

- Yes, sir. - Yeah.

(grunting)

- [Man] Superb, and be careful.

We don't know dangerous this man is.

(groaning)

- I felt different, weaker yet stronger.

(ominous music)

Blackout Pete, always planning ahead.

What the hell.

(gurgling)

My stomach rejected everything.

Everything except.

(gagging)

No.

Shit.

(flies buzzing)

(rhythmic music)

Maybe I didn't wanna question it,

maybe I didn't wanna believe it.

All I knew was, I needed more.

- Thanks a lot, have a good one.

So my nephew Gino won his fight last night.

Fifth round DKO.

- (sniffs) Hey that Gino's a good kid, good for him.

- He sure is, that fightin' spirit comes

from my side of the family, you know.

(clears throat)

- You have any Reptiale?

- Yeah, in the back there.

We Biglianos are tough.

We don't get bossed around by no one.

- (sniffs) Sure, sure, Bigliano and tough,

the words are synonyms.

- Hey buddy, how can I help you?

- Yeah, let's see, how about you give me every penny

you got before I dye your hair with your brains.

- Oh my goodness. - Man pipe down

and don't move bitch.

You too sniffles.

Uh-uh, little man, keep playing that game

by the window and I grab everything real copacetic.

- What?

- Now let's start packing my, oh hey Lizardman,

what you up to, dog?

- LeSeurdmin, and I'm buying this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta get your sip on,

I understand, hell yeah, all right.

Now if you don't mind, please,

if you could give me your money, Lizardman.

- I need this, just rob from this guy

and leave me alone.

- Yeah, just make him die and leave all of us alone.

- Yeah, you don't need me if you just shoot him

and steal his money.

- Hey what the H?

- Hey, you play that game.

You shut your mouth and you give me that shit.

Step aside or I'll blast your dumb ass.

Good reptile, now hurry up.

I ain't got all day.

(cash rustling)

- There, that's all of it. - Man what?

You think I'm a dummy?

Man, give me that shit behind the picture.

(mumbles)

(beeping)

- Come on, man, hurry it up.

- Let's see.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- [Robber] Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- [Shopkeeper] I can't remember the password.

- [Robber] Well you've got about five seconds to remember.

- Shh, shh, shh. - Shut that baby up.

- I am trying. (beeping)

You yelling at me in such a manner

does not help one little bit.

- [Robber] You keep talking back like that

and I'll show you the quick way to quiet it.

Man, put some god damn Vaporub on your chest already.

- Could you keep it down?

- Man what'd you say?

- Please, stop yelling.

- Shut up, Iguana Boy, I can talk at any damn volume I want.

Let's go, you greasy dago.

- [Shopkeeper] I barely ever open this thing.

Maria must've changed the code.

- I'mma pistol whip the shit out of you.

I'mma take that pistol and turn it around

and then I'll shove that around in your nose.

That's right, I'll move it around

until your nose splits open.

(group speaking at once)

- [Eerie Voice] Go on, do it.

- What is the hold up, man?

Get that thing open or I'll put you all on the ground.

- Hey dickhead, say cheese.

(screaming)

(groaning)

I asked you to keep it down.

(sniffles)

- Dude.

That was tits.

It was so cold blooded.

- What?

- You just ruined that man's face in cold blood.

(ominous music)

- Hey buddy, you gotta pay for that beer, you know.

Hey, hey, buddy, hey!

That dirty mooc.

Hey officer, officer.

That nut in that costume stole from me.

- Oy, man lizard, stop right there!

- Shit.

(tense music)

- Slow down.

Just slow down.

(tires squealing)

God damn it.

- Oh my god, officer, I am so sorry.

I didn't even--

- Shut your giggy, you scrot and learn how to drive.

(breathing heavily)

- Hey!

- [Peter Oh my god.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

(breathing heavily)

- There, that's better.

Oh come on!

- All right, let's go.

Oy! - Shit.

- Get out of here.

- [Officer] Slow down!

(phone ringing)

- He's headed home.

- [Man] Delicious.

- (laughs) Run, lizard, run.

(muffled radio speaking)

- Well Mickey, here we go again.

- Jane Doe, 25 years old,

found here by the maid this morning.

ME places time and death around midnight.

Official cause is de-sanguination.

But both her orbital bones are broke

and the jaw's caved in.

It only gets worse under the sheets.

(mumbles) meat grease on the sheets too.

This sick freak had himself a burger

while he brutalized her.

- Same old, same old, eh, fingerprints?

- None, he probably wears gloves

and her fingers are cut off so no chance

of skin under her nails if there was a struggle.

- Well we couldn't hope for things

to be too easy now, could we?

(mysterious music)

He certainly enjoyed himself, didn't he?

This guy has got a lot of pent up anger, Mickey.

- I swear, Burt, if I could just get my hands

on this scum bag.

- Calm down, Mickey, we'll get him.

- How?

This sick freak leaves us nothing to go on.

What the hell is that?

- [Burt] Something to go on.

(gagging)

- [Teen] It was so cold blooded.

Cold blooded, cold blooded.

(laughing manically)

- What are you afraid of?

(phone ringing)

- Come on, come on, just pick up.

Pick up the phone.

Underneath the oak tree where they shared

their first kiss, he could see a glimmer

fighting through her opaque eyes.

To him, it was a glimmer of hope

and though the world they knew was ending,

their lives were just beginning.

- Wow, this is really good, Pete.

- Yeah, I know.

- And what's the genre called again?

- It's a zom rom-com.

Pretty much a form I created.

- I like that he stays with her even though

she's a zombie.

It shows how powerful love can be.

- Monkey butt, you've gotta look a little deeper than that.

I mean sure the story is great,

but that's just the hook.

Obstentially it's about love,

but it's really about the deteriorating moral values

of our isolated, fractious American society.

A society that's become so greedy and careless

it would turn a blind eye to its suffering people

just to claw its way towards more wealth.

But it's also about testing a man's word

and resolve, till death do us part.

I mean can a man really live up to that claim?

It's a psychoanalytical look at the make up

and conviction of a man.

- You're so smart, Pete.

You're gonna be rich and famous some day.

You'll have anything you want.

- Hey we're going to be rich and famous one day.

As far as I'm concerned, I already have everything I want.

- Oh Pete, I wanna tell you something,

but I'm afraid you won't say it back.

- What is it, (speaks foreign language).

- Well, I looks like you just missed me,

it's Nicole, leave me a message and I'll get back

to you as soon as I can.

(beeping)

- Oh hey Nicole, it's Pete.

I was just wondering if you wanted to grab lunch today.

I really, really miss you, Nicole

and I really need you.

Something's happened and I'm a bit freaked out.

I screwed up and I'm sorry.

Please meet me for lunch.

I just wanna talk okay?

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

What the hell?

(gun clicking) (gun firing)

Who the hell? Hot Doug?

- Mm-hm, the pleasure is all yours.

God what a shithole, did you inherit this place

from a blind uncle or something?

- Fuck you, I'm gonna--

- Honey I'm pretty and I'm fast,

now put your tish in a kush.

Good boy, now is it safe to sit on this

or should I bring in a bag of trash from outside?

Why does it smell like you fired diarrhea

into that silly little romper suit.

- Who are you?

- And I thought you could read, Mr. Lizardman.

- LeSeurdmin, and I meant what the hell do you want?

- Skinny girl, white raspberry cosmo and a back rub.

Though I'm sure you don't have the first

and I definitely wouldn't accept the second from you.

Let's settle on you being quiet for a moment.

- You can't be serious.

- Hey Pete, what happened to the door?

You're crazy, is everything all right?

- Randall, you should get out of here.

- Who's he?

(weapon firing)

Sugar plums.

- What the hell, he didn't even do--

- I am a professional, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

I assure you I am very serious.

Now hush, it's me.

You're gonna owe me double.

This place is filthier than a Walmart in India.

Mm-hm, mm-hm, but I will not be paying

for the dry cleaning.

I don't know who you are, sweetie,

or what you've done but my employer

is awfully excited to meet you.

- Your employer?

- [Doug] I don't do this for free.

- Okay, then what is it that you want with me?

- I could care less about you personally.

I'm just here to oh!

What is this?

Bite Me, a zom rom-com?

- Zombie romance comedy.

- Oh my god, I am working on a dom rom-com.

- Hey put it back.

- Oh don't be so self conscious.

And though your need for flesh is critical for living,

my need for your heart is essential for feeling.

Wow, this is really good.

- You think so?

- God no, what do I look like?

A 13 year old girl with braces and acne?

- It's easier to be a critic, asshole.

- Fun too, seriously even my cousin Seth

who's like the biggest queer I've ever known

would read this and call you gay.

- It's not for everyone. - It's for no one.

- You made your point now shut your fucking mouth.

- Or what, you'll read me more of your story?

- Or I'll knock your teeth in.

- Well sweetie, here's your chance.

My employer wished one thing

before I brought you in.

That you be tenderized.

As with all life, you have a choice.

You could fight back or just take it.

I suggest the latter.

- Noted.

- Girl please you're just gonna embarrass yourself.

(grunting)

- [Peter] In the animal kingdom, some creatures

have instinctive self defense mechanisms.

Malaysia ant will combust and splatter poison

on its enemies.

(chuckling)

(drum rolling)

The hairy frog breaks its own bones

to reveal sharp internal claws.

- Baby, I'm talking about a whole lily pad

all to ourselves.

- Hey there, pretty lady, what's your name?

- Hey dog, can't you see she's taken?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're cool, man, I'm sorry.

- Get out of here before I start slicing up your legs.

- [Peter] The horned lizard pressurizes its sinuses

to shoot blood from its eyes.

As for Lizardman.

(coughing)

(laughing)

- Honey I have clawed your optimism.

What is it you find so amusing?

Oh my eyes, you fucking dick hole.

(grunting)

- Oh shit. (weapon firing)

A lizard's greatest strength is his ability to adapt.

If he doesn't learn that,

he'll perish right there on the spot.

- Shit, what a little bitch. (shouting)

(grunting)

(weapon firing)

- More coffee? - Yes please.

Thanks.

You're late. - Yeah.

- Okay what the hell is this?

- I can explain.

- You always can, this is clearly a waste of time.

- Nicole, wait I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for last night.

I was-- - Drunk.

- Right but I want you to know it won't happen again.

- Don't you see the pattern here?

You must mess up, I get mad.

You apologize and I forgive you.

Only for it to all happen again.

- I mean it Nicole, I've hit rock bottom

and it really opened my eyes.

- [Nicole] I've heard that before.

- What? When?

- The time you had a stroke from your homemade gin

or when you let my nephew play unsupervised with fireworks?

- One, that was a baby stroke, baby.

And two, I bought your sister a new cat.

- You're never gonna change, are you?

- But I have changed.

- Oh-we, how does sap like you get a piece

of fine is that.

The thangs I could do to you, honey.

- I'm sure she'd love to know what total confusion

and unfulfillment feel like paired together.

- Fuck you, maybe if you thought out that ice box

of yours, you wouldn't be such a bitch all the time.

- And maybe you should think about our objective

and not your little chubby.

- And you should think about puttin' your hat on.

- You're kidding right?

Why do you even wear yours?

- Because he told us to and we owe him.

- Owe him, I don't owe that asshole anything.

- Hey watch your mouth. - Or what?

- Or I'll-- - Dispatch, this is Humphreys.

I'm at Peter Lizardman's house

on a noise disturbance and gees, I got two bodies here.

- Shit.

- The one downstairs got a pair of clean shots

to the head, as for the one upstairs,

well we're gonna need a mop and some chisels.

And put me through to Detective Sugar.

I got something here that might interest them.

- That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

It didn't bond to your skin.

It shrank in the sun.

- Then why can't I stop drinking Reptiale.

- Because my body can't - Because you're an alcoholic

- produce its own venom yet.

You don't know how it feels, the transformation.

My body feels weak without the venom.

- Okay even if you are becoming a lizard,

how would that fix things for us?

I mean you would still be drinking your venom

which conveniently still has alcohol in it.

And then there's no guarantee that you wouldn't

embarrass me again.

Not to mention the fact that I would be

with a man who is part lizard.

A man who would be drawing looks from everyone,

every time we went out.

This wouldn't make things easier for us at all, Pete.

Can't you see how this would

and you're not even listening to me.

You're unbelievable, you know that?

I am leaving.

- Nicole, wait, you can't leave me.

- Ow, you're hurting my arm, let me go.

- Sir, maybe you should leave.

- And maybe you should stop blowing guys with herpes.

(gasping)

- You're a real jerk.

- Nicole, in case my larynx goes full lizard,

I want you to know something.

I didn't think I could be more miserable in my life.

Without you I am.

Please don't leave me.

You're the only good thing in my life.

- Good bye, Pete.

- Damn it, Nicole, don't.

- Oh, well if it ain't the jammy bastard

that got away, you're coming with me, you nuff.

- Get your hands off me.

(speaking gibberish)

(groaning)

- Look at it this way.

You're the first person I ever tased.

- Enjoy jail, sweetie. (groaning)

(phone ringing)

- [Man] Yes?

- [Chives] Hey, your boy got pinched.

- [Man] Well we can't let that spoil things now, can we?

I need you and Videlia to come home right now.

I have a plan.

- We're on our way.

You should also know that Romeo here has a Juliet.

- [Man] Well done, Chives.

That's quite a tasty nugget of information.

- The day has continue.

- [Burt] Peter Benjamin Lizardman?

- LeSeurdmin. - My apologies.

I never was good with foreign languages.

My name is Burt Sugar and this is my partner Mickey Mordin.

- Don't I get a phone call or something?

(shouting)

- You shut your mouth, scumbag!

You get a phone call when I say you get one.

- What's his problem?

- Oh yeah, you think I got problems, you sack of pubes?

- Easy now, Mickey.

- If this is about the convenience store thing,

I can pay for that.

- Oh well, case solved then, huh.

You hear them, Burt, this crusty anal vision

thinks he can just throw some money at the problem

and make it all go away.

Guess we can just pack it in then, huh?

- I've got a lot going on right now

and I didn't mean to steal that beer.

This seems a little excessive.

- Excessive?

- Peter, perhaps you don't realize the severity

of your situation.

We, (sniffs).

Do you smell that?

- Smell what?

(sniffs)

- Bullshit.

- [Burt] No, I mean something really--

- I know just what you mean.

Listen, you cum filled turd.

We're not interested in stolen beer

that two-bit thug you maimed.

We found two corpses at your house

and another prostitute at a hotel.

- Prostitute?

- We found several prostitutes over the last 10 months.

Most recently and most brutally beaten this morning.

Face is pounded in, often burned and covered

in condiments and raped.

Sometimes post-mortem.

- You think I did this?

- We know you did, dirtball.

You're probably getting hard right now thinking about it.

How you lured these women in with your filthy money

and subjected them to some sleazy role play sex,

but you couldn't get off like that, could you?

So you freaked, then right when they were about to leave

Lake Flaccid, you socked them in the jaw

and you take your time covering them in a coat

of tangy mesquite with thick homemade chutney.

Then you caved in their faces, and just as they

gasped their last blood bubbled breath,

realizing their own futile mortality

in that one hopelessly bleak moment,

that's when you achieve.

Isn't it?

You salty splotch of anal mucus.

- What, no, this is all just a big misunderstanding.

I'm not a violent person like that.

- He says it, and yet his pants remain not on fire.

(laughing)

Not a violent person (laughs).

How you make me chortle.

What a great liar you can be.

You almost even fooled me.

But then again, you'd only be fooling yourself.

And we both know you can only do that for so long, I've.

Unbelievable.

You know we only get so much time to spend together

and this chowder head gets in the way.

- I suppose these pictures are a bit gruesome.

I guess so many years in the force

has kind of desensitized me to these types of things.

Still, this is a very serious situation here

and you have a lot of explaining to do.

- Well I'd love to stay and chat,

but you've got more pressing concerns.

- Hey trash bag!

Are you listening?

- I wanna believe you, Peter, I do,

but we can't help you if you don't help us.

By the way, do you need more flies?

Are you good on the flies?

- [Peter] Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

- So then, where were you last night?

- Last night.

- What, can't think of a good lie, you hot bag

of McDonald's diarrhea.

- I was pretty drunk.

- Oh isn't that convenient.

Maybe this will jog your memory.

- [Burt] We found this next to her body.

- Then we found a few more bottles of that ram shackle

of a shit hole you call a house.

- No fingerprints of course,

but if your swab test matches any residue around the rim,

you're gonna be in some pretty thick honey.

- I, I--

- [Quivels] Don't say another word.

- Quivels, what are you doing here?

- Representing my client.

- Client?

- None of what he said is perfectly admissible

with you two pestering him.

It's all conceivably said under draft

and if I find out you denied him counsel--

- Easy Quivels, we're just having a little talk.

- Right, well if you two will excuse us.

I'd like a little privacy with my client

and please do make the mistake of leaving this camera on.

- Think about what I said, Peter.

We can only help you if you help us.

In case you need it.

Something doesn't add up, Mickey.

- Yeah, like how does a dirty queef like that

get the best lawyer in the city?

- Not sure, it's a mountain of evidence against

the guy but something doesn't fit.

Then again, he didn't even blink when I showed him

those pictures, he had no human reaction

of sympathy or disgust.

- Oh, that punk chaffs my balls so raw.

I want him to go down hard for what he's done.

God!

- Settle down, Mick, we'll figure this out.

- You dirty perverts.

You all think you're above the law, don't ya, don't ya?

- Come on, Mick, he's not going anywhere any time soon.

- Brian Barnaby Quivels, Mr. LeSeurdmin

and I'll be straight to the point.

These charges are flimsy at best

and I guarantee you none of them will stick

if you take my aid.

- What do you care?

I've got no money to pay you.

- It's not about money for me, Mr. LeSeurdmin,

I have plenty frankly.

I was walking by the diner today when they arrested you

and I wanted to help pro bono.

I enjoy helping the underdog.

- Thanks I guess.

- Good, I'll take that as consent.

Now first thing's first.

Is there anyone you'd like to call?

I know how this precinct works and they may not give you

your phone call for quite some time.

- No. - Are you sure?

Not even that female friend of yours at the diner?

- Yeah, you can let her know what's going on.

But I don't want her to see me here.

Just tell her I'm sorry for everything really.

- Excellent, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

I'm going to give her a quick call

and get a full report of these ridiculous

charges against you.

Stick with me, my friend and you'll be out of here

in no time and don't say a word to them without me.

I'll see you later.

- Hey thanks, thanks a lot.

- You're welcome.

(mysterious music)

(tense music)

- What the hell?

- Hey, get your ass over here.

- [Peter] You, who are you?

- Never mind that, I'm here to get you out.

- What's going on out there?

- Distraction.

(intense music)

All right, get in this corner and plug your assholes.

(beeping)

(booming)

Come on, dumbass.

- I don't know who you are but thanks.

- Keep your mouth shut

or I'll wear your ass like a boot, boy, hands.

All good on this end, how about y'all?

(intense music)

- All good.

- All right, Grillmaster's anxious to see this prick.

Hurry up and meet me around back.

Alarm system be back up in a few minutes.

- Hey what's going on here?

- Officer, thank god, just in time.

I caught this guy trying to escape,

so I made a citizen's arrest.

- Drop the knife.

- Oh right, sorry.

I just wanna thank y'all

for all the hard work you guys do

keeping this city safe and all.

- Oh well, yeah, well thank you.

- No, thank you.

(groaning)

Dumbass, next time learn to mind your own business

and you won't get hurt.

Hey what the?

- Where is he?

- Mother fuck.

- [Man] What?

I should saute you for your incompetence.

- [Chives] I'm sorry, this cop showed up and--

- It's fine, I'm sorry to get so salty with you.

I have a little something that will bring him to us anywhos.

Get back to the estate and I'll filet you in.

(laughing) (woman mumbling)

Hush, my sweet little brisket.

It won't be long now, the tension is so thick.

I can't must hardly wait.

(laughing)

Yes.

Ah, fuck.

(knocking on door)

- [Vernon] Okay, okay, all right, hold up a minute.

- You asshole.

- [Vernon] Petey?

- This is all your fault.

- Why are you dressed like a salamander?

- You just had to make me go out

and a have a drink, didn't you?

- (sniffs) Ah, Petey, you smell like straight up asshole.

- I've had the cops, gay assassins,

a kid in an onion suit, and some mystery man

hunting my ass down.

(cat growls)

Hey get the fuck away.

- Come on man, no need for that.

You know da Vinci gets (mumbles) he doesn't mean it.

- This is all your god damn fault.

- What the hell's wrong with your voice, Petey?

I could barely understand you.

Just calm down and tell me what the hell's going on.

(mysterious music)

Whoa, you're not joking around, are you, Petey?

- No and if it wasn't for you,

I wouldn't be in this god damn predicament.

- Me? - You.

- [Vernon] How's that?

- Because none of this would've happened

if you didn't make me get a drink that night.

- Make you get a drink?

Man, I think all that alcohol's finally snapped your brain.

I didn't make you do shit.

You just needed an excuse to go out

and I gave you one.

- You're my best friend, Becker,

and you fucked me over.

I hope you're happy with yourself.

(clunking) Watch out.

(mysterious music)

- What was that about?

(crickets chirping)

I wanna be mad, but that kid is rocking

the shit out of that scooter.

Pete?

Pete?

- He's got her. - What?

- He's got her, Becker, he's got Nicole.

- Who does?

- He knows who I am, he knows about Nicole

and he knew where you lived.

- Pete, who?

- The Grillmaster.

- George Foreman?

- If I don't show up alone to this address by midnight,

he's gonna kill her.

- Oh shit, I'm sorry, man.

Is there anything I can do to help?

(laughing)

- You needn't do it alone, my glum chum.

What say we team up on this one?

All that rage and anger, all that disappointment,

let's let it out.

(laughs) It'll be ever so much fun.

- If I let it out, I don't think I'll be able to go back.

- Yeah, that's true, wait, what?

- You speak as if it's a bad thing.

You've done things your bottled up way for 31 years

and look how your life is.

- I am not a disappointment.

- Petey, who are you talking to?

- Call it a test drive.

If you don't like what I'm offering,

you can always give it back but I guarantee you'll like it.

- But what can I do?

- You can adapt.

- You need to adapt to the real world, Pete,

or you'll always be miserable.

Adapt, adapt, adapt.

- [Lizard] It felt good, didn't it?

The convenience store, when you finally embraced

your violent side.

- Yes.

- So why stop now?

Why shouldn't you feel good sometimes?

Do what you want for once!

- You're right.

- Of course I am, now do what needs to be done, Peter.

Just say okay.

- Okay.

- I can't hear you.

- Okay!

- Yes!

Now let's get to work.

- Pete, are you--

- Becker, give me some moths and some Reptiale.

- Good choice.

- I think you've had enough to drink.

- You wanna help? - Yeah.

- Then do it. - Oh look at you.

Charles in charge.

- One more thing, I need to use your garage.

Time for some adaptation.

♫ Something wrong with this life you live

♫ It always takes but never gives

♫ It's no secret you know life is rough

♫ When does a man say enough is enough

♫ Become the Lizardman for all to see

♫ The Lizardman you were born to be

♫ Your enemies (screaming)

♫ They stand at the gate

♫ A burning fury, a cauldron of hate

♫ Destiny waits, the time is here

♫ So now you must embrace the fear

♫ Embrace that fear

♫ Come on

♫ Lizardman shed your human trail

♫ Lizardman step out of the crowd

♫ Become the Lizardman for all to see

♫ Lizardman you were born to be

♫ You're a Lizardman

♫ You're a Lizardman

♫ You're a man but also a lizard

♫ That's right you're a Lizardman

♫ You're a Lizardman

♫ You're a Lizardman

- Thank you all for answering my call

for immediate over time.

I assure you, help me and you will be well paid

for your efforts.

If we all work together I am sure we can...

You, you understand English, right?

(speaks foreign language)

- Translate to them.

There will be a man dressed in a lizard suit

coming here to do damage to me and my property.

- Your job is to help guard my property from him

and I will pay you handsomely.

- But you mustn't kill him, understand?

You show him mercy, I will not.

That is my job.

- Right, I got a question about this bloke.

- No, no questions.

The less you know the better.

Just do this job and you will be paid, understand?

- Bugger me, all right.

(speaks foreign language)

- It's getting late, Pete, you should probably get going.

- Yeah, thanks.

These are the last words of Peter Benjamin LeSeurdmin.

Number one, show don't tell.

My writing professor repeated ad nauseum.

Don't tell your audience how your character feels,

show them.

I've told people for too long I'm a writer,

but the truth is I've only shown him that I'm an asshole.

Do me a favor and hold on to this.

Just in case.

I've let my own misery affect those that I care about

and that is unacceptable.

- Pete, I'm sorry about--

- No, this is my fault, not yours.

I've sorry I've even tried to blame you.

Good bye, Becker, I hope you make it on the cover

of Forbes one day.

Number two, it's time I shared my misery

with those who deserve it.

The assholes who threaten innocent lives,

only the cold blooded can deal with the soulless scum.

Peter LeSeurdmin is dead.

Call me Lizardman.

Master owns a million dollar home.

He's too cheap to hire real guards.

- Here lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard.

Oh big lizard.

- Lucky me. (gagging)

Fucking Scotch tape.

(mysterious music)

(shouting) (tense music)

- [Peter] I'll be honest.

I was surprised that shit worked.

- Bingo wingo.

Just follow the blood and you'll always find

the nasty cunt.

Ease the wheels, mate.

Now toss that here.

So what's in the satchel huh?

More goo-gas and gem cracks.

- Sorry I don't let cats out of bags.

- Ha ha, snicker away you gomeless pickey.

(cat growling) (screaming)

My eyes, my eyes!

Ah no, I got LASIK last year it's a no deductible!

Ah, my cornea!

Ah bugger me.

- Nimbo sorry.

(clapping)

- Well done, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

Quite a rare performance.

- Grillmaster.

- Welcome to my estate.

- Where's Nicole?

- Not much for chit chat, are you?

- No, but I am for hit splat if you don't tell me

where she is right now.

(laughs)

- Well you're quite churlish for someone

who stands no chance.

- Oh yeah, says who?

- Sesame.

(dance music)

Only a few living people know how to weaponize

the sesame seed.

And even less know how to vaccinate it.

(groaning)

I wouldn't fight it, it only makes it worse.

- What the? - Yes!

Things are really starting to pork now, aren't they?

- Sleep well, Lizardman.

(groaning)

(rustling)

- Here okay, sit him up, quickly now.

Give him trust.

You certainly are made of a tough meat, aren't you?

Hurry up, my munions, he's stirring.

Wakey, wakey, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

Your legs are only temporarily paralyzed.

A side effect of the sesame.

- Where's Nicole?

- Oh she's a bit tied up at the moment.

- Just tell me where she is, you piece of...

- So my big black vagina has caught your eye.

I picked it up in Hanoi off the set

of a 'Nam rom com.

The ancient Mundurukus believe that all life's problems

and solutions stem from the womb.

Once reaching puberty, a young man would be given

a small statue of a vagina and as long

as it remained in good condition,

it was believed that so too would his potency and virility.

Made of 100% Brazilian onyx.

Crafted by a master artist and descended

from Munduruku blood.

- Wait, what?

- The pubic hairs I import from Nigeria.

Three times a week they receive vigorous

Vidal Sassoon conditioning.

To preserve the luster you see.

Naturally the hair must be replaced every few months

after it loses its sheen.

Breathtaking, isn't it, Mr. LeSeurdmin?

- I really don't give a shit.

- Of course you don't, you hold nothing sacred, do you?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You ruin beauty with reckless abandon.

- I'll ruin your god damn face just the same.

(laughing)

- Griddle me this.

How do you plan to do that?

When I'm the one who holds all the ingredients.

Munions, chop chop.

Let's see what's on the menu, shall we?

Chives.

(Nicole mumbling)

- Nicole!

- She looks scrumptious.

- You fat fuck, what did she ever do to you?

- Her? Nothing.

You on the other bun.

- Me, I don't even know you.

- Oh don't you?

How about now?

No?

How about now.

- Quivels.

- That's right, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

Bryan Barnaby Quivels.

- B-B-Q.

- Now you're cooking with charcoal, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

- What did I ever do to you?

- You really don't remember yesterday, do you?

It was a beautiful summer day.

Birds chirping, and charcoal burning.

The first annual Quivels barbecue extravaganza

with major VIPs.

Senator Armstrong, Police Chief Mahoney,

and the Dean of Harvard Law School to name a few.

I was to be the toast of the town,

with them enjoying my grill brilliance.

My grilliance.

And then, you showed up.

A drunken maniac with only destruction

and debauchery on his mind.

You sullied my cinnamon kiss salmon steaks.

Defaced my double delight deer tenderloins,

then marred my minced mushroom mussels

mixed in mango mustard chutney

and just as quick as you came, you left

my barbecue in ruins.

My guests had to eat side dishes and fruit.

You embarrassed me in front of my well respected peers

and besmirched my good name.

- So you abduct an innocent woman?

- Here, take a bite of my honey glazed ostrich burger.

- No. - Yes.

- I can't. - You must.

- I resist. - I insist.

- I'm telling you, I can't.

- That is not an option, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

You will taste my ostrich burger and you will love it.

- Eating that will make me throw up.

(ominous music)

- Very well.

- Look I know I screwed up, and I'm sorry

my mistake ruined your party, but your beef is with me,

not with-- - Silence.

Don't you dare make a meat based comment.

Munions, chop chop.

(tense music)

Perhaps it was rude of me to offer the main course

without an appetizer.

Meet Videlia, who should be wearing her hat.

I found her in a dumpster in China when she was

just three months old.

She never knew her parents but she is very familiar

with wushu and many other martial arts.

(grunting)

- Oh Jesus.

- This is Ra, he came to me at three years old

when his deadbeat parents were sent to jail.

Studies show that just one hit of crystal meth

is enough to critically affect a fetus.

How did nine months in a constant fog of it feel, Ra?

(mutters)

Precisely and of course, Chives.

Fending for himself in the tough streets of Detroit

since he was six, he's no stranger to a tussle.

When he was 12, he tried to pickpocket me.

I promised them all a better life than what they had

and that includes a quality college,

but after your little stunt, Mr. LeSeurdmin,

I'd be lucky to get them into Columbia.

- What's wrong with--

- Columbia College in Chicago.

- Oh.

- Videlia, Chives, as you wish.

(tense music)

- No. - No what?

- I'm not gonna fight your children.

- That's fine.

- Damn it, stop it.

Shit, I don't wanna fight you two.

It wouldn't be fair.

- Oh please.

(groaning) (coughing)

- Okay then, fuck it.

Keep that wrist locked.

(intense music)

I've been in enough drunken pool hall fights

to block that, honey.

(coughing)

- [Videlia] You're pathetic, what does she even see in you?

- Ra, give your siblings a hand.

Oh now you've done it.

(shouting)

(rock music)

Videlia, don't let him kill him.

- Hey, hey, hey, big dummy, here you go.

That's right, calm your big retard brain down.

- Yes, Ra, yum yum for your tum tum.

Had enough, Mr. LeSeurdmin?

(coughing)

- Fuck you. - I see.

(coughing)

The worst part of this is that when you die,

not one person will care.

(car revving)

Huh?

Videlia, Chives, watch out.

- Oh shit.

- Videlia!

(funky music)

- [Vernon] Get up, man.

- Becker? - Yep.

- You came. - Of course.

- What the hell?

- Hey man, we don't all have animal costumes

in our closet.

- Are you drunk?

- I may have had a few of these delicious babies.

I wouldn't have hit that statue

if I wasn't a little bit buzzed.

- That was no statue.

- Sculpture, whatever.

You wanna get to Petey, you gotta get through me.

- And who the hell are you?

(funky music)

- The Midnight Hammer.

- Dually noted. (gun fires)

- [Vernon] Hammer down.

- Chives, search him and turn this bullshit off.

- You son of a bitch, that's my best friend.

- Yes and now he knows that he can't touch this.

- This is all he had on him.

- Well Mr. LeSeurdmin, despite his courageous efforts,

your friend has failed.

Especially now that I hold his secret weapon.

A mighty pen holder.

(laughing)

- Oh wait, that's not all.

- No!

- So that's what it's like to set on far.

(groaning)

- Father? - Ra?

You can talk. - Yes, Father.

I can talk now.

I can gab, I can mallucidate, I can express

and expatiate, I think this serendipitously placed

ballpoint pen has endowed me with cognitive abilities

tantamount nay exceeding that of the average homosapien.

I am no longer a prisoner caged

in my own incongruous mind.

- My boy, I'm so happy for you.

Now what's the first thing you wish to do.

- I wish to assist you in eliminating

these scutterless dregs.

(laughs)

- Then so you shall, my boy.

- Way to go, now he's super strong and super smart.

- It's the Pen Caddy 2.0, Petey.

(beeping)

- Oh!

Even a taste of sweet (mumbles) was worth it.

- No!

- Now if you'll excuse me,

this gun shot has made me quite sleepy.

- Damn it, Chives, check on Videlia.

So you wish to turn up the heat?

Fine, stay right there and we'll see how hot you like it.

Since you destroyed the most beautiful thing in my life,

I will repay the flavor.

How is she?

- We should call an ambulance.

- Nonsense, hold this.

- Hey, she might die if we don't--

- We all die someday, Chives, now take it.

Make sure he sees this.

- Yo, what are you doing?

Just do as I say.

Get a good look at her like this, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

This is the last time she'll ever be beautiful.

(slurping)

A bit salty but we'll manage.

- What are you doing?

- Step back.

Grillmaster, I thought you said she won't get hurt.

- Plans have changed, Chives.

One beautiful thing for another.

That's fair, isn't it?

Time for some flavoring injecting.

- Get your hands off her, you fat fuck.

- Shh, shh, shh, sh..

Hush now, I know, I know.

The marination is the worst part.

- Oh shit, it's you.

It's you they want.

- Keep him quiet, he'll ruin the process.

- You're the sick fuck that tried to frame me.

- Grillmaster, what's he talking about?

- Chives, don't listen to him.

- You're the rapist murderer.

The one that brutalized those women.

All because of your sick fetish.

- Yo, is that true, Grillmaster, are you--

- Well what's the point in mastering the law

if you don't manipulate it from time to time?

Especially when you leave behind

such explicit evidence for me.

I am a respected lawyer.

I donate to churches, hospitals and orphanages.

If the price for that is a few worthless hookers' lives,

so be it.

You are a nobody, you think anyone

will take your word over mine?

The chief of police has my back.

His hands are as dirty as mine.

- Chives, you need to stop him.

You know this is wrong.

- Listen not to this twisted lizard logic.

Remember what he did to me, to us.

- What did she do to you?

Nothing. - Well--

- I'm your father, Chives, I know what is best.

- No, he doesn't.

- I gave you food. - He's a murderer.

- Shelter. - And a rapist.

- And love.

- If you really want a better life,

you'll stop him right now.

- Don't be so cheesily fooled, Chives.

This needs to be done.

- Please you have to.

- All right, stop.

You ain't gonna rape that girl.

That shit ain't cool.

- Chives, what is this?

- Hey I didn't sign up for this shit.

This prick deserves whatever's coming his way

but that lady ain't do a damn thing wrong.

- But my barbecue, my beautiful, beautiful barbecue.

He deserves to watch me ruin something he loves.

- Grillmaster, you better than this, man.

- Turn the other way if you must.

For this is flame broiled justice.

(gun cocking)

- I ain't gonna ask you again.

- So the munion sheds a layer.

(sighs) You're right, Chives.

I almost did something truly horrible.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Come here and give me a hug, son.

- I thought you lost it for a minute there, Dad.

Good to have you back.

- It's all right now, I'm back.

Just give me the gun.

I lost my head for a moment, son.

But never forget, I will always love barbecues.

(gun firing)

- [Chives] Dad...

(groaning)

- Oh what a pity.

Now I have to go out and buy more munions.

- You insane son of a bitch.

- Now what to do with you?

- This is between you and me, not you, me and a gun.

- Good point.

Let the main course begin.

(intense music)

(electricity sizzling)

(groaning)

It's a little something Videlia whipped up for me.

Shocking, isn't it?

(groaning)

- My powers fail me.

- You actually think you have powers?

What a skewered sense of reality you have.

Don't hope for sloppy seconds.

I never leave any.

- I'm sorry, Nicole, I'm so sorry.

- Psst, hey Pete. - Becker, you're alive.

- Yeah, the bullet barely hit me.

I'm just real drunk.

I can't hold my liquor like you, Petey.

Look I'm sorry for this, for everything.

- It's not your fault.

Everything that's happened is because of me, not you.

- I know but I still feel bad though.

How about I get you a beer and we'll call it even.

- Now's not a good time for--

(bottle rattling)

- Never thought I'd see the day

when Peter B. Lizardman turned down a free beer.

(laughing)

- Don't get soft on me now, cream puff.

Let's have some fun.

(tense music)

- Hey, fat fuck.

One more round.

- Don't you ever learn?

- No, I adapt.

- Mm-hm, time for your last meal, Mr. LeSeurdmin.

- The name is Lizardman.

(tense music)

(groaning)

Stupid, fat, fuck, fucking fat piece of shit,

fuck you, motherfucking fat fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Wait, wait, wait.

If you kill me now, she'll still die from the poison.

- What poison?

- Fool!

You're the poison.

Or are you too stupid to see?

Anyone that gets close to you only seems to get hurt.

You are a toxic to those around you

and now I leave you with one last thought before you die.

I am going to ravage your girlfriend

over and over and I will pin it all on your black friend.

Time for your just desserts.

- [Peter] To save its life,

the lizard must sometimes lose its tail.

(groaning)

Oh, Lizardman is known to use this to his advantage.

(groans)

- What is this?

- Because the tail is where the Lizardman stores

the rancid bloody diarrhea from his awful diet.

- Uh oh, it's hammer time.

- Is this diarrhea?

- Lizard diarrhea.

- Quit it.

It smells worse than Hamburger Helper.

Disgusting.

(groaning)

(shouting)

Cheeseburgers, pickles, fries, onions,

mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, relish.

- Any last requests?

- Try my ostrich burger.

- I bid you fondue.

(shouting)

- Oh Pete, oh Pete, thank you.

Are you okay/

- Yeah, I'll be fine, you?

- Yes, oh thank god for you Pete.

I love you so much.

I was so scared.

Pete, what's wrong?

Why won't you kiss me back?

- I'm sorry, but I can't.

- Don't you still love me?

- Yes, of course. - So?

- It's just that, you were right, hell he's right,

I've spent so long being unhappy

that I don't know any other way to be.

I am a poison to you and I won't put you

through that again.

- But Pete, I--

- I'll always love you, Nicole, that will never change,

but we can't be together.

I'm more lizard now than man.

I've been cold blooded for awhile.

I'm just now realizing it.

I don't belong with civilization.

Now I know my calling is to bring my melancholy

onto those that deserve it.

That may sound crazy but I hope you can understand.

- Strangely enough, I think I do.

Besides you smell like shit.

(gentle music)

- Yeah, let's get Becker and get the hell out of here.

The world is filled with scum, dirt bags and assholes.

They rape, murder, strangle what could be

a beautiful world.

I know this because I'm one of them.

- And the girl? - Barely.

But they expect her to pull through.

Hopefully she'll want to talk about whatever

the hell went down here.

- [Officer] Detective Sugar, this was left for you.

- [Peter] But if i can't add any beauty to this world,

you can be damn sure I'll eliminate some of the ugliness.

- [Burt] She may not have to.

- [Mickey] That perverted monkey scrotum.

- [Peter] There will be no due process or fair trials,

no slap on the wrist fees or warnings.

If you bring misery to others,

I bring my misery to you, it's that simple.

- [Woman] Help, somebody help!

- [Peter] Nope.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid

of the pain of being a man.

- That sounds more like you, Pete.

Looks like you found your voice.

(dance music)

(burping)

- Slow night.

- [Roofcop] That just means you're not looking hard enough.

- Some nights trouble comes to me dressed

in a fruity little trench coat.

Come on then.

- If I wanted you dead, you'd already be a stain

on my rooftop.

- Then what do you want?

- Your help, I'm putting together a team

and I need your utter disdain for human trash.

- And why should I trust you?

- Why should I trust you?

- Fuck you. - Fuck you.

(tense music)

- All right, I trust you.

- Mahoney, Police Chief Lawrence Mahoney

and he's as dirty as they come.

He's behind a huge heroine ring in the city.

It's laying our city's youth to waste.

- What do you suggest?

- War, you in?

- You had me at fuck you.

- Good, the name's Roofcop.

- [Peter] What do we need to get started?

- Two things, first you'll need a little help.

- I know just the man.

- This thing won't be a simple waltz.

- He knows how to dance.

- Good, get in touch with him.

- Hey wait, what's the second thing?

- [Roofcop] Body bags, a whole fucking lot of body bags.

(gentle music)