Original subtitles

My name's Alex.

The cute little blonde jumping rope is Sandra Valenti.

She's always been my girl. To me, anyway.

I'm not sure she even knows I exist.

That's still me, but without my pants.

THE DATE COACH

That's me at 15.

A real hunk, huh?

Just kidding!

That's the real me -

pimply face, zipper on the kisser

and frizzy 'fro outta control.

I'm no jock. I'm just here 'cause...

What sucks is, if that guy really was me,

I'd be chatting her up now.

A near miss!

I'm just not Mr. Right.

Here, I'm 18.

Next year, I'll be in college

and I'm still stuck on Sandra Valenti.

Let's just take a break

to take in Sandra's beauty.

Those eyes,

that mouth.

Let's rewind, to savor it.

That mouth,

those eyes.

I need a plan to get near her. A killer plan.

I'll try anything.

All in all, I've got nothing to lose.

What a weird expression! "All in all."

Now I'm 20.

- Coming to the party tonight? - What party?

Sorry, I thought you were Brandon.

Sorry.

No big deal! Where's the party?

- What party? - The one tonight.

There's no party.

But you just said...

I get it. You don't want me to come.

Where? There is no party.

Coming to the party?

Come tonight. It'll be fun.

OK. Cool!

- You're Alex, right? - Yeah.

We have classes together.

- So? - So what?

You coming?

Where?

Alex.

Don't you ever mingle with people your age?

What?

I'll take you to lunch.

With a prof? That'll boost my social status!

- I insist. - OK.

But I warn you,

I have a direct connection to the pedophilia hotline.

Humor's good!

Has it helped with Sandra Valenti?

Come on.

Come on!

I was your 6th grade monitor.

Great.

You were already ogling Sandra Valenti then.

You seem to be tailing her.

Take and repeat the same courses.

Total coincidence.

I know what it's like.

Twenty years ago, I was madly in love, too.

Great. Well, I'll be going.

In love with Monica Valenti.

Sandra's mother.

OK, I'll stay.

She was as beautiful as her daughter.

You've never seen her?

She's still a very beautiful woman.

- She works at the pharmacy. - Did you date?

I didn't stand a chance.

No one stood a chance with her.

Except...

Except?

Except Antoine Chamoine.

Mr. I'm-Good-At-Everything.

At 22, he published

an essay on female desire.

He decided to seduce her. A challenge.

And it worked?

Yep. No one knows how.

She was 20 and...

gorgeous.

He was a local hero.

Then he vanished.

Did she have other guys?

She took off with some Italian but that didn't last.

Then she came back pregnant.

Sandra became her whole life.

Wow, fuckin' epic!

This one's for pain. Take it as needed.

One every 4 hours.

And take this before bed.

May I help you?

Help you choose?

I just need some cough syrup.

In this day and age, why be so shy about buying condoms?

Yeah, I agree.

I just have a sore throat.

You know, it protects you both.

Don't be scared, condoms aren't the enemy.

What size?

I'd say medium.

Medium-large.

"Antoine Chamoine wrote a few novels then disappeared.

"He hasn't published in 15 years." Great.

Fuck! My savior lives an hour away!

Cool!

Alex...

No explanation necessary. I don't judge you.

Hello, Mr. Chamoine.

Your name's Antoine and mine's Alex.

We're like two peas in a pod, our names begin with A!

That's lousy.

Antoine, let me begin by...

That's pretty lame, too.

Antoine, you and me, you'll see...

Why are you talking to yourself at my door?

What do you want?

Well, my name's Alex

and I'm proud to meet you.

I'm not some wacky fan.

I've never read your books.

They're all out of print, anyway!

I'm here on a very important matter.

Thirty seconds.

OK, I live...

To get off my property.

But I thought...

25 seconds. You're wasting time.

I warn you right now!

I'll serenade you all night long!

I'm a sociopath, a crazy person!

The type who streaks through stadiums

even when there's no game!

Don't you think the water's a bit much?

It's not water.

Holy shit!

I'll tell you right now,

I'm a total nutjob!

If I get an idea, I don't let go.

So if I were you,

I'd calm down and listen up.

Please...

- You don't give up? - No.

I wonder what'll take longer -

killing and burying you in the woods

or listening to you.

- Keep it short. - Yes.

Let me say what a pleasure it is...

Shorter.

- OK... - Even shorter.

I've been in love with the town beauty since we were kids.

She's untouchable. Any guy who goes near her,

gets the boot.

And I'm invisible. I don't even exist!

I need some tactical advice, something!

- She's not just any girl... - Pipe down!

Your voice is unbearable.

When I'm nervous, my voice...

Shut up!

It's your face, too.

When I'm nervous, I get these twitches...

Shut up! Shut up!

Let's get this straight.

I help you, you disappear.

Take notes!

OK, ready.

First of all...

You don't have to write that.

Just what I say after "First of all."

I already wrote it.

First of all...

OK, "Smile.

"Look relaxed.

"Compliment her."

On what? Oh, right, the color of...

OK, got it.

Go for it, Alex!

Fuck!

Want a push?

Listen, Alex,

I have something to tell you.

I was offered a job in Marseille.

Great soccer team, by the way!

So we may be moving.

That's impossible.

I can't leave now.

Why? What's to keep you here?

You stay in your room.

- You have no friends. - What?

No.

No friends?

I've got tons of friends.

What's up, man?

Asshole!

I love that guy!

Think I don't know why you wanna stay?

Does Sandra even know you exist?

Your girlfriend's virtual, yet she's real. That's original!

I wish you just masturbated like all kids.

Now I'll always associate my mother and masturbation.

Thanks! That's healthy!

Then ask her out, once and for all!

Impossible.

If I move too fast, I may blow it.

I'd rather observe. Recede, so I can pounce!

Right! You recede but don't do much pouncing.

Thanks again.

I see years of psychoanalysis in my future!

I'm an idiot!

Has this swing shrunk or what?

We said you'd disappear. No thanks needed.

It didn't quite work.

When I saw Sandra, I started shaking,

sweating.

Convulsing even.

Did you throw up?

It's always the same. I don't get it!

The second I'm near her, my body gives out,

I lose control and I have to throw up.

Love always makes you throw up.

It's no help but it's natural.

Sandra's not like other girls.

All girls are alike.

Except she's Monica Valenti's daughter!

I'm madly in love with Sandra Valenti!

She's outta my league.

If I try my luck, I wanna be sure I don't blow it.

But it's now or never. 'Cause we're moving.

So I have to be sure our love is strong enough

to withstand a long-distance relationship.

I just wanna know

how you seduced her mother. 'Cause you know,

"Like mother, like daughter."

Maybe it could help me.

Sorry, kid, you're not up to it. Go home.

Why's that kid bugging me now?

Listen carefully, you get one chance.

Prove you have what it takes and I'll help you.

Thank you, sir!

From the bottom of my heart!

Thank you, sir!

Thanks so much! I'm gaga!

Even if, ideally,

I'd rather find out right away.

But I'll shut my trap.

See? I'm a quick learner.

- See you tomorrow? - Tomorrow.

Thanks so much, sir!

You're sweet to come along.

What do you want for dinner?

Veal kidneys! You like that, right?

- Aren't they balls? - Yeah...

Don't think so.

What a persnickety kid!

How about ravioli?

Sexually, they're pretty neutral!

Great. Listen,

I just ask one thing. To stay in Aix this summer.

I can't move before fall.

Is Sandra Valenti spending the summer in Aix?

By chance.

How do I know? I don't know her schedule by heart.

Yeah, right!

OK, she's taking a summer course.

Please.

How about dessert? Ice cream? Two scoops?

No kidding, you've got a real problem.

Report here after class every day at 5 p.m. on the dot!

Great. It's a deal!

No, it's not.

- You still have to prove yourself. - I can't wait to get started!

Get started!

Start by washing my car.

A 1968 Alfa Romeo Spider.

No, but...

Are you just screwing around?

All done.

That's it for today. See you tomorrow.

You're late.

It's 5:03!

You're late.

Sorry.

Dismantle the car motor.

I'm sorry, but...

Isn't it time for the seduction lessons?

Is that your decision?

What are you doing?

That's fragile!

Very good.

Thanks!

Now clean them all again.

I can't see my reflection yet.

"I can't see my reflection yet."

I heard you.

You passed the first test.

Great! How'll this help with Sandra?

It won't. It was an endurance and obedience test.

That's all?

That's all. Be on time tomorrow.

How can anyone be so beautiful?

It's unreal.

If I have to dismantle every car in the world,

soon we'll walk together.

Hand in hand.

In slow motion.

Shit! I'll be late!

See those girls there?

Inconspicuous!

Go over to them and I'll study your technique.

Then I'll see what I can do.

I'm not too into that.

And the term "technique" is kind of exaggerated.

I'd rather take a few lessons first,

then jump in.

I don't give a damn what you prefer.

Inconspicuous!

Still here?

Inconspicuous!

It was fabulous! She walked on stage

into the red light in this purple dress.

It was incredible! Covered in sequins.

Those sequins we love!

- Just gorgeous! - Hi, girls!

I was sitting over there and I thought,

"Hey! Wow!

"Why not..."

OK. Then she grabbed the mike

and started singing.

It wasn't a big glitzy show.

It was really intimate.

Hi, girls! So...

You dig fries?

How dare you pinch my fries?

Hungry, shithead?

Don't come back here again? Understand?

Yeah.

I won't offer you one.

I've got a long way to go, is that it?

If Sandra's like her mother, you're dead.

It's not the same!

It's really hard with strangers.

True, picking up a stranger is the toughest challenge.

We're in agreement!

We're never in agreement. Forget that.

Do you ever get free croissants just for batting your bedroom eyes?

If you can do that, you'll be unbeatable.

You've got 25 seconds

to walk in the door and bring

the bakery girl to her knees.

That's impossible.

You don't have what it takes.

Forget Sandra Valenti!

Bring me some ketchup!

I got clobbered.

Maybe you're not as big a jerk as you seem.

So...

See you tomorrow, shithead!

I've never done that.

But a friend of mine went to the Dominican Republic.

- She get a good deal? - Yeah, 1,000 euros.

For ten days, all inclusive.

Tempting!

- Oh, Alex! - Oh, Mom!

Look, Benoît's here.

I see, Benoît's here.

Know what time it is?

And it's a school night!

Good thing I'm not 12 or I'd get scolded.

- I don't like your tone. - I do.

- I've been calling you all day. - Really? So?

We're off to a bad start!

Yeah, we're off to a bad start!

I'm sorry, Benoît.

Sometimes he makes me crazy.

- It's nothing. - I'm embarrassed.

Don't apologize!

We're really embarrassed.

Shall I start calling you Daddy Dear

or is this just a fling?

I'll be going.

I just stopped by to chat with your mom.

I worry about your future.

It's under control.

Right!

Choose a path that suits you

and stop chasing chimeras.

It's fine, I said! I'm not chasing...

- Chimeras. - Right, chimeras!

I have no idea what that means

but I know what I'm doing.

Stop worrying about me! I'm not as big a jerk as I seem!

- It's not easy. - No.

Well, I'd better start getting dinner ready...

and feed my pussy.

He's really been acting weird lately.

Drugs, maybe.

No, he's way too uptight for that.

I'm careful to hide my weed.

He doesn't even know I smoke.

You smoke?

Me? No, never!

It's a real scourge.

Last week I confiscated a joint from a student.

That big.

Shameful!

So...

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Sorry!

That's me!

Been doing that long?

Since we were kids.

You never even noticed me.

As if I didn't exist.

No way! That's crazy.

I've been drawing you, too.

Don't make fun of me.

No, I swear!

It's dumb. I should have said something but...

You intimidate me.

You're so serious.

You're making fun of me!

Not at all, it's just that...

Alex!

Alex, what's wrong? What are you doing?

Nothing.

I...

I was sleeping.

Why was the bed squeaking?

Because...

Because...

Oh, OK! I'm sorry, honey! I'm sorry!

No explanation necessary!

- It's not that. - I don't judge you.

No, it's not that!

I didn't hear a thing. Goodnight!

Excuse me, I'm looking for Antoine Chamoine.

Is he in?

Right! Humor.

So are you on Twitter?

On what?

Twitter. You've never heard of Twitter?

Sure I have.

No, I've never heard of Twitter.

No big deal.

It's a social network for connecting with people and...

And that's it.

Where we going?

A small town, 2 hours away.

Two hours?

Yeah, 2 hours! 30 kilometers.

That doesn't take 2 hours!

Yes, it does! This is Renault 4, not a...

Renault 5.

Some music?

You want music?

So that's the music.

Why don't we go to Aix?

I haven't set foot in Aix for 20 years. Since Monica.

Let's not mention it again.

You've never seen her in all this time?

Incredible! She's the town pharmacist...

Great band!

Don't make fun of me! That'll get you nowhere!

See that bank there?

Go into that bank and pick up a girl.

You're really out of your mind!

Scared?

Big time!

"Big time" means yes, but even more so.

How old do you think I am?

- Between 30 and... - Shut up!

Pick out a teller

then observe her, study her.

I want you to barf, like with Sandra.

Just like that?

Otherwise, there's the classic setup.

Chat up one girl to make her friend jealous.

Good plan! Let's do that!

So find 2 girlfriends.

- One ugly and... - One pretty.

No! And one ugly.

You need a leg up. It's rare to get blown off by 2 ugly girls.

Don't you think ugly girls are too easy?

Do you think an ugly girl thinks,

"I'm ugly, I'll give any jerk a chance"?

No, Alex.

Ugly girls have dreams.

An ugly girl wants a handsome guy.

Elegant, with a sense of humor,

who tries hard to seduce her.

The ugly girl knows her only weapon is saying no.

Jerk.

- I love your skirt! - Thanks! I love yours!

It's that or the bank.

You can speak normally.

The little brunette there.

Excellent choice.

You're up! That means "it's your move," in slang.

Just sign on each page.

Fuck!

So?

They've got pretty good mortgage rates.

Only 4% interest.

This is bullshit. I can't do this.

It's not my style. It's a waste of time!

I want Sandra, not some teller or baker.

I don't give a shit!

I want Sandra! Isn't that clear?

What are you doing?

You don't listen, you squabble!

So let's see what you can do!

What? Stop! Enough of this bullshit!

Antoine?

Been here long?

Don't worry, I won't chew your ear off.

I waited for you by the truck.

Then I figured you might be at the pharmacy.

I'd have the same impulse,

so I figured you might, too.

Not to copy you. But I'm the same.

20 years is incredibly long!

You're lucky. Monica's a knockout but...

you never know!

I ran into a girl I was in 6th grade with.

Now she's a blimp!

Before I met you, I didn't even know Monica had a daughter.

She's gonna destroy you.

I can't do it without you.

You can't do it, period.

With you, at least I have a chance.

Like wine?

Not much.

Kids don't appreciate good wine.

Haut-Brion 1989.

An excellent year for wine.

Harvested by hand.

Fermented in stainless steel tanks.

Then the wine is aged in oak barrels.

Wow! Awesome.

I'm kidding. I don't know anything.

I read that in a guide I'm proofing.

I translate and proofread books.

That allows me to work from home.

Is your son having wine?

- He's not my son. - Not my father.

I see.

Evening.

If you need

the slightest thing,

I won't be far.

Gentlemen,

enjoy your meal.

Where'd he go?

Right behind you.

He's watching you. Must be your ring.

My ring?

It's kind of ridiculous alone.

But it was striking with my shark-tooth necklace.

I thought I heard necklace and shark tooth

in the same sentence.

I loved that necklace.

I lost it and...

I've never found it again.

That was the last line of my novel.

"All he had left was his backpack,

"his old jeans,

"and his shark-tooth necklace."

Is the waiter still there?

Watching you...

lasciviously.

Please don't stand there, sir.

Fine.

How did you first approach Monica?

Back then, it was easy for me.

But Monica was the one I wanted.

It was...

more of a challenge, you know.

She hung out

at a slightly intellectual café.

Yeah, I know the type.

No kidding, how old do you think I am?

- Well... - Shut up.

Let me tell it.

There, that's me back then.

Understated, yet elegant.

Refined.

But understated.

He's here.

It's all about projecting self-assurance.

Monica knew I was there but she refused to look at me.

What did you say?

It doesn't matter.

In the end, she destroyed me.

She tore me apart.

That's why you didn't speak to her today.

You were scared shitless.

Scared shitless?

One night,

to prove my determination,

I snuck into her house.

I slipped into her room,

at night,

and cut a lock of her hair.

Would you do that? No.

Would you do that?

This is a waste of time.

Go home!

Your mom must be worried.

Scared shitless!

I'll give you shared shitless!

Asshole!

Gentlemen, for dessert...

A banana flambé?

No, I'll have a cream puff.

And no bananas for me.

I don't like bananas,

in general.

Where have you been?

I...

You what? Know what time it is?

Can't you call?

Can't you not call? You startled me!

Excuse me! Now it's my fault?

You're so irresponsible! I've been too cool with you.

Things are gonna change!

- No more easy street! - Stop.

You're not believable.

I'm not believable?

No, you're not.

Do you really think that "fresh pine scent"

covers the smell of your reefer?

Now you've gone too far. Call me a junkie, too!

OK, junkie, too!

You're grounded!

No allowance! No dinner!

That's it! I'm not cooking for you anymore!

Great! Now things are really looking up.

The nerve of that kid!

Shit!

I'm nice and calm,

sound asleep in my bed,

- when I hear this noise. - Then what?

I wake up to find this maniac

brandishing a pair of scissors over me.

- No? - I swear.

- I was scared to death. - Obvi.

It freaked us out!

- My mother's crazed. - Obvi.

- They oughta hack their balls off. - Those guys have no balls.

That makes no sense.

Popping up like that, he must have a genital problem.

Class runs late tonight. I won't let you go home alone.

I'll be OK.

I'm taking you home.

That's sweet. Thanks.

Obvi.

What a fucking idiot!

What a lunatic!

Sneaking in in the middle of the night!

- And you? - You believed me?

I said that to shut you up.

I'd never do that!

I'm no pervert, sneaking into people's homes.

Now every guy on campus is cashing in,

offering to take her home, to protect her.

I just don't get it.

You can sneak into her house,

cut her hair,

but you can't speak to her?

When she's asleep, I'm not so scared.

Otherwise, I just throw up.

Throwing up's normal.

Throwing up's good, in fact.

Unless you throw up on her. But that's another story.

Sure.

See you tomorrow morning at 7:30.

Be on time.

One more thing.

Change your look. Do something.

The sweatshirt,

the haircut, all that...

I feel like I'm dealing with Edith Piaf.

Isn't Edith Piaf Shakira's mother?

Forget it!

Who's Edith Piaf again?

Who's Shakira?

Hi!

Where you going at 7 a.m.?

I'm taking a run.

In that outfit?

That's such a cliché - running in sweat suits!

This is just as good.

Have a nice day.

He needs to get laid.

Inconspicuous.

I'll make a transfer into your account,

to avoid the bank charges.

Exactly. Have a nice day.

- So this is the new Alex? - Yeah.

Where's the old one?

Hiding in your hair?

Humor?

Tell me about the teller.

Concentrate.

She loves Hello Kitty.

She nibbles on candy.

When a customer asks a tough question,

she acts wide-eyed

and smiles.

She constantly glances at the clock,

as if she's dying to leave.

Good, good.

So what's your plan?

I walk into the bank,

with candy in my bag.

I go up to her and ask

a complicated question about transfers.

When she panics,

I offer her some candy.

He's been casing the joint for days.

It's a misunderstanding.

Quit wasting our time, bitch!

I'm talkin' to you!

When you said "bitch",

- I wasn't sure... - Shut up!

Pick him up.

I want a list of your accomplices and the banks you've hit.

- I don't know a thing. - So?

Who did this to him?

He was like that, boss.

Captain.

Do I look like a bank robber? I can't even get a loan.

Then what were you doing in the bank?

You'll laugh.

Or maybe not.

Flirting with the teller.

I swear, it's true. Look!

I even got Hello Kitty tissues because

I knew she loved Hello Kitty.

Sort of to break the ice.

I'm here to pick up my son.

JD: Juvenile Dad!

Shady what?

No, JD.

Shady what?

Forget it, I'll just go in.

No shady characters!

No shady what?

- You'll kill your mother! - Dad!

Did he talk back?

What manners!

It's all been settled.

Sir, don't get so worked up!

We called the bank.

They even laughed it off.

It's true. Think about it,

it is pretty comical.

And is that comical?

Thanks.

The slaps were unnecessary but...

- It added credibility. - Right!

What's the matter?

Hard regaining your freedom?

Reintegrating into the world?

No, but I blew the test. It's over with the teller.

That girl there?

My boss told me why you were there.

I'm sorry I got you busted.

Let me see.

They didn't go easy on you! Your cheek's all red.

That's cops for you! They're bastards.

Still, I work in a bank. And you were suspicious.

I'd have done the same.

Can I take you to lunch to make it up to you?

Careful! That's not too wise.

I just got outta the can. I haven't touched a woman in ages.

My name's Elie.

No, what's your real name?

Elie.

Great.

Really? You like it?

Great.

Gonna tease me about my name?

- Unbelievable! I've got a date. - Yeah.

No, a real date!

I passed the test!

The first stage. One slip and it's back to square one.

- Shit! - You said it!

No, it's midnight.

My mother must be worried sick. She's gonna kill me!

That wouldn't be too bad.

Get in!

Where have you been?

- Mom, I... - Evening.

Antoine Chamoine. I found your son

in a ditch.

What?

He fell off his bike.

Nothing serious.

I'm a doctor. He's fine, just a bit in shock.

Sweetheart, are you OK?

- I'm fine. - Oh, sweetheart!

I'm fine, Mom.

Thank you for driving him home.

May I offer you a coffee?

No, thank you, I...

I have to be up early. I have an operation.

Sleep can make all the difference, in my field.

Sleep-deprived doctors can lose patients.

So I'd rather go straight to bed, so I can...

be at my best in the morning.

A good night's sleep can sometimes save a life.

So I'd rather get to bed so...

so I can do my best in the morning.

So I'll get to bed.

I'll see you to your car, doctor.

- Good evening, ma'am. - Sir.

Good night.

I hope so.

Overdid it.

A tad. But you really saved my life!

Tomorrow have lunch with the teller.

You've made contact, now follow through.

What'll you do in the meantime?

Think I'm lost without you?

Good night, doctor.

Shut up.

Got other pick-up schemes or are banks your specialty?

I chatted up a chick at the morgue once.

- Did she work there? - No.

She was a cadaver.

Pretty girl. A little cold but well-built.

OK, don't rely too much on humor.

- Anything else? - No.

That'll be 1.15 euro. Thank you.

- Your change. - Thanks.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Sir? - Hello, I'd like...

a baguette, please.

Sure.

Anything else?

No, just a baguette.

Although, your croissants look delicious.

1.15 euro.

Well worth it.

I think I forgot my wallet.

Maybe I could come back...

1.15 euro.

I meant come back and pay you later.

That way, I could see you again.

- Jean-Louis! - Yeah?

- This guy won't pay. - Hold on!

- Who won't cough up? - No one.

Here, I have some change in the bottom

of my pocket.

- Now it's paid for! - Sure, Jean-Louis.

Thanks.

- Your baguette! - What?

Never mind! I don't eat bread.

What a jerk!

- You dance? - No way.

I had a bad fall and quit.

I was gonna go pro! Then I sprained my toe and that was it.

Now I've got a wire in my toe. A dumb accident!

Yeah, right!

For a minute there, I thought you were scared.

No, but...

It's not...

It's too fast. I don't think so.

You blew me away.

You're not bad!

For a teller, anyway.

That's just a summer job.

- I'm in med school. - What's your specialty?

Psychiatry.

I love treating nut cases like you.

Bank robbers have nice hands.

From cracking safes.

Really?

In fact...

I should go. I have a long drive back

and it's getting late.

Will I see you tomorrow?

I'll call you.

Right.

Not too convincing but I'll pretend to believe you.

So, I...

I'll be going.

Excuse me.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

You're a jerk, is that it?

Pardon?

I just wanna know if you're a jerk.

After all you went through to meet me, you gotta wonder.

I blew her off.

She was offended. I am a jerk.

I should have... I don't know!

She's a terrific girl.

You're unbelievable!

You can't give up for the first girl you meet.

I know.

Listen to me, sonny.

You need to get the upper hand with Sandra,

so she's afraid to lose you.

Give her a hard time.

Still, you amazed me.

Really.

You've got what it takes.

Seriously?

Seriously.

But one thing bothers me.

Are you a virgin?

You can tell me.

I was a virgin, too.

Till I was 12.

I wish I were.

I did it with my cousin. Her father walked in.

No family holidays since.

- A cousin? - Yeah, but...

Super distant. My mother's brother's daughter.

Your cousin!

Yeah.

Me, too.

To our cousins!

What is this place?

You'll see.

Gigi taught me everything I know. You'll thank me.

No, no, no!

No way, Antoine!

Now you've gone too far!

No way! No, Antoine.

- I'm not doing that. - Calm down.

Hi, Gigi.

Hi, Antoine.

Oh, right.

I said, "I'm not doing that" but...

After all, you're the boss.

I won't contradict you.

Thanks, Gigi.

Is Gigi here?

She's on her way.

- Hi, Antoine. - Gigi.

- Who's she? - Gigi.

- And the other Gigi? - Little Gigi.

I'll take little Gigi!

Too inexperienced, too young.

Will you take care of him?

My pleasure.

Come on, sweetie.

Come with auntie Gigi.

You did your cousin, now do auntie Gigi.

Alex!

For Twitter.

So, sonny?

How'd it go with Gigi?

I'm not talking!

- Learn anything? - I'm not talking!

You seem more confident.

I'm not talking!

Ever heard of texting?

Ouch!

That answers my question.

Come down.

Know what Sugar Ray Leonard did before his big bout in '75?

Sleep?

He went to stare at the ring. Empty.

He studied it all night.

For hours.

Did he win?

Too tired.

Great story. Can I go back to bed now?

You'll succeed.

You've shown me what you can do and...

I'm proud of you.

If I had a son, I'd want him to be like you.

- Not physically, of course. - Obviously.

Of course not.

Is it the hair?

It's everything. Physically...

Yeah.

Sure.

All or nothing.

Open it just before you approach her.

What is it?

Just do what I say. You'll see.

What if I throw up?

You into old cars?

Yeah... It's sort of a hobby.

Let's see.

My mother has the very same red Alfa.

Too bad it doesn't run.

My friend has one, too. I was lucky enough

to work on it.

Want me to take a peek?

I never thought I'd meet a guy into old Italians.

I'm into young Italians, too.

No kidding?

Wanna stop by after class?

Then you can see the car.

Yeah.

Cool.

Cool.

There she is!

It was my mother's grandfather's.

It needs upkeep. It's just rotting in here.

Chamoine, you son of a bitch.

My mother loves this car

but she won't let anyone touch it.

Last time, they screwed up the motor.

They're idiots around here.

The motor has to be dismantled.

Then each piece cleaned.

Over and over again.

That'll take weeks!

To do a good job!

Yeah.

It's weird we've never spoken.

Don't we have classes together?

I think so.

But in class, I'm work-work-work.

I'll show you how to clean the motor.

That's a number 12 wrench.

Except it's a 13. You can also call it a 14.

It's a private joke for grease monkeys.

My mom's on duty tonight. Wanna stay for dinner?

That's sweet but I should get home.

My mother's waiting.

- She's alone. - And your father?

He took off long ago.

My mother and I live alone.

You'll come back tomorrow, for the car?

Sure.

Bye.

I turned around

and she was watching me!

And then... and then...

and then... and then...

and then...

It was...

it was... it was...

It was magic. Magic!

It was hard to leave.

That was best.

Don't rush it. Make her want to see you again.

How'd you know about the magazine?

Like you said, it's magic!

I'll never forget what you've done.

- Never. - We're not done yet.

Come here every day for debriefing.

A pleasure.

FOR SALE

Forget about me?

Don't need me anymore?

No, but...

You should spend time with her rather than me.

Things advancing? Have you kissed her?

How can I say this?

You're losing the advantage.

I'm not scheming anymore.

I think she really likes me.

Is that the goal?

For her to like you?

Sandra's cool. We get along well.

But...

But what?

I fell in love with a fantasy.

We're different.

I don't throw up anymore.

So what? I just said that to give you confidence.

Pounce! She's ready.

And once she's hooked, dump her.

Break her heart!

No.

That's fear talking. You're scared,

that's all.

No, I don't wanna hurt Sandra.

I'm talking to you as a buddy.

Who's your buddy?

You came to me, whining like a puppy,

"my heart goes pitter-pat."

We're not buddies.

You're not my buddy.

Is that why you helped me? Was that your filthy plan?

To hurt Sandra?

'Cause you're scared to confront her mother.

You stopped living 20 years ago. You're chicken.

What a great guy I took as a role model.

You should avoid Monica.

So she doesn't see how pathetic you are.

Shut up.

Think I'll be able to drive it soon?

Can you see me zipping across Europe?

Imagine crossing Italy in a convertible.

We could go together.

Why so serious?

No, I agree. It's important...

to travel, live, cut the umbilical cord.

You know, it's often our parents who can't let go.

You're so mature for a kid without a father.

When he left, I was 5. You get used to it.

You're lucky. At least you met him.

Do you ever ask your mom about your dad?

The letters are in Italian. I had them translated.

The Italian guy my mother took off with was gay.

He says he'd have been proud to be the father of her child.

And if he'd had one woman,

it would have been her.

What did she say?

I broached the subject but she wouldn't talk.

She kept lying to me.

She doesn't know I have the letters.

What are those?

- What? - The photos.

The pictures she hides

with the other letters.

Maybe he's my father.

Sandra, honey,

are you home?

Shit! It's my mother!

Pretend to kiss me!

What?

Shall I come back later?

Sorry, ma'am...

What about your room?

Your bed's bigger!

- Will you excuse us? - Sure.

Two minutes.

I'm allowed to have friends over!

I only see one friend! Who is that boy?

- Who is he? - A buddy.

I'll yell if I want to! This is my house!

Sorry, but I've gotta go.

No, don't go!

It's just our way of talking. No harm done.

- I wanted to surprise you. - You succeeded.

Alex is a car freak. He offered

to fix the Alfa.

- So you're a car freak? - I know a little.

- A friend has the same car. - Really?

Well, not exactly the same.

It's sort of similar.

Does he live around here?

He's more a friend of the family,

like an uncle. We tinker around

with the motor together.

Alex can do miracles.

I wanted to pick you up

at the pharmacy with the car.

I'm sorry but I really have to go.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Thanks a lot, Mom!

Now it's my fault?

Young man!

One minute.

I swear, nothing happened.

- I want to see him. - Who?

The guy who taught you to fix an Alfa Romeo.

Antoine!

Antoine!

Where the fuck is he?

"Don't waste time chasing chimeras.

"Live your life to the fullest. Big time!"

Let me see.

I'd forgotten the house in Nice.

We spent a whole summer there. He wrote and I...

I inspired him.

How'd you know I knew him?

20 years ago, Antoine fixed my grandfather's car

just to sweep me off my feet.

He was no mechanic. So he saved up,

bought the same Alfa Romeo and practiced on it for months.

That's wild. But even before that...

When you first met, what were his first words?

His first words?

It's Antoine.

Pardon!

That was it!

That's how we met.

The motherfucker had curly hair?

He was irresistible.

- But I fought it. - Then why did you leave him?

He started cheating on me.

Probably to prove he was still free or how tough he was.

I looked the other way as long as I could. And then...

That's no reason to hide him from his daughter.

It's dumb to hide things. Did you think of Sandra?

And you? What do you want with my daughter?

Are you in love?

It's not a complicated question.

He's not home.

Alex isn't home!

That's OK, I'll wait.

I'm Antoine.

Great!

- Alex's best buddy. - How old are you?

Take it easy.

I'm on Twitter.

Cool.

I'm Sandra!

I know.

Alex is a complex kid.

He thinks a lot. Too much. Way too much, in fact!

He lives in the past.

He prefers ideas to reality.

But he knows when he's made a mistake.

And I think... It's just my opinion but...

I think he deserves a chance.

Don't judge him too quickly.

And if you argue one day,

if you cheat on him,

if you get pissed off...

or "PO'd"...

don't be pigheaded. Reach out to one another.

I've just realized that, all alone,

you can't accomplish much.

You build nothing.

Your life's empty.

Anyway...

Tell him I said goodbye.

What a weirdo!

Someone's waiting in your room.

Who?

I'm sorry.

What is all this?

Been doing this long?

I must be 12 there.

Thirteen.

Well, 12 or 13. You know best.

It's innocent, infantile.

Yeah, real infantile!

Did you sneak into our house?

Maybe.

I've been in love with you since I was 5.

Why didn't you say anything?

Never had the guts.

Did you learn about cars just to talk to me?

Yeah. I mean,

not really but...

Sort of.

You've been fantasizing about me, drawing me for years.

So why don't you act on it?

How insane is this?

The girl of my dreams offers herself to me. Sandra Valenti!

The Sandra Valenti!

And I realize I'm not in love.

What would you do in my place?

Me? I'd pounce! Asshole!

Jump her bones! After all this!

Obvi!

You're a medium.

If you're not in love, say so. Right, Jean-Louis?

She's offered herself. You can't refuse a gift.

Watch your step! We've got our eye on you, bitch!

If you don't love her, forget it. Only love is real!

I'm sorry.

I'm not in love.

I don't know why I'm saying this now but...

In my head I invented a Sandra Valenti.

You're 1,000 times better than she is.

But?

You're an incredible girl!

OK, I get it. Sorry I wasted your time.

No, wait!

Let me go.

I don't know if guys your age can read anything but tweets.

But try to read these few lines

that my natural idiocy keeps me from saying aloud.

If you ever need an old fart's advice,

here's my address. No obligation.

But it would make me happy.

We always think of a muse as a gorgeous brunette.

Well, mine was a frizzy-haired slob.

I think I've got the title for my new novel.

SONNY

Not again!

If he didn't have a Taser, I'd have gotten away.

That guy was in luck!

I'm glad I followed Antoine's advice

and stopped chasing chimeras.

I still don't know what that means.

And I hate endings where the guy drives a convertible

off into the sunset with some pretty girl.

But all in all, since the guy's me, it's not too bad.

In fact, that expression isn't half bad, "all in all."

For Valérie

Pitch in whenever you like. No pressure.

I know, no pressure.

- Marseille's gonna be great! - Sure will.

Hey, buddy!

How's it going?

Asshole!

I'll give you a hand.

There's wood in there?

What the hell is that doing in there?

How old are you?

Take it easy.

I really had to take a leak.

Come on, honey.

Come with Auntie Mame.

Are you OK, sweetheart?

I'm fine, Mom.

Thank you for driving him home.

Can I offer you something?

- Are you OK, sweetheart? - I'm fine, Mom.

Thanks for driving him home. Can I offer you something?

How old do you think I am?

Don't you need me anymore?

No, but...

Got allergies?

What are you doing?

I didn't wanna get in your truck anyway!

Who's that?

Tom Jones.

Isn't Tom Jones David Guetta's father?

Where have you been?

Evening, ma'am.

Antoine Chamoine! I found your son in a ditch.

What?

He fell off his bike.

Nothing serious. I'm a doctor. He's fine.

He's just a bit in shock.

Are you OK, sweetheart?

I'm fine, Mom. Just fine.

Where have you been?

Stop!

Alex, are you OK, sweetheart?

I'm fine, Mom. Just fine.

Thank you for driving him home.

Thank you...

This is hard.

Let's go!

Antoine Chamoine.

Antoine Chamoine, I found your son...

What?

I'll see you to your car, doctor.

- Good evening, ma'am. - Sir.

You, you... Good night.

You, you want a coffee?

Here we go again!

Subtitles: ECLAIR