Original subtitles

(MultiCom Jingle)

(engine whining)

(booming)

♫ Keen eyes

♫ Quick hands

♫ Energize

♫ My soul again

♫ Gonna see

♫ My name in lights

♫ Playing with my joystick

♫ Wiggle left

♫ Jerk it right

♫ Zappin' everything in sight

♫ Shoot fast

♫ Shoot straight

♫ Video to the max

♫ One down

♫ Two to go

♫ Can't stop

♫ On a roll

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video game

♫ Here they come

♫ Round they go

♫ Humanoids

♫ UFOs

♫ All day

♫ All night

♫ Video to the max

♫ One down

♫ Two to go

♫ I can't stop

♫ I'm on a roll

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I've got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video game

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video games

♫ Totally awesome video games

(bloops and bleeps)

♫ I hope I don't spill things

♫ And act like a slob

♫ Oh my do dah day

♫ Oh the do dah day

♫ Oh the do dah day

- Look both ways.

♫ Camp Town race track five miles long

♫ Today's my first day

♫ At a new job

♫ Doo dah, doo dah

♫ Hope I don't spill things

♫ Look like a slob

♫ Oh my doo dah day

- Yoo hoo.

Maybe you'd like to pull over and sing us a song?

- Oh, you think I have a good voice?

- [Blonde Woman] Mm hmm.

- I never really thought I had a good voice.

- Oh, well come on over.

We'll make beautiful music together, you know?

- I like fun just as much as the next guy,

but, um, it's my first day at the arcade.

- You work at the video arcade?

Jeff Bailey's?

- Yes, I'm helping Mr. Bailey,

uh, Jeff, out.

- Why don't you come on over?

- Well, I'd really like to.

I mean, a guy can't have too many friends in this life,

but I really gotta go.

Oh, oh!

Oh my!

- [Brunette Woman] Why don't you come on over?

- Come on over, now, there?

What do you mean, now?

Here in your backseat now?

(giggling)

Well okay.

Seatbelt.

- God, look at him.

Do we really have to go through with this?

(horn honks)

(groaning)

- Do you wanna get into a sorority or not?

Besides, we don't really have to ball him.

We just gotta get his pants down.

(easy-listening instrumental music)

- Okay now, girls, I don't have too much time.

- Oh, this shouldn't take too long.

- Which one of us do you want first?

- Um.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

For which one shall I go?

Oh (chuckles), I'm sorry.

You, I'm sorry.

Luck of the draw.

- Oh, I can take it,

but I wanna watch.

- Watch? - Mm hmm.

- Well, why?

Well, okay, okay, I see, I get it.

Certainly, that's okay with me.

(breath spray hisses)

(giggling)

- Oh wow, you really turn me on.

- There's more where that came from, baby.

(growling)

- Oh, I can't wait any longer.

You've got to show me your manhood.

- Oh.

Ladies, prepare yourself.

I would like you to meet

(zipper buzzes) Simba.

- [Blonde Woman] Smile.

(camera whirs) - Hey!

What, what are you?

Don't!

(easy-listening instrumental music)

(tires screech)

Hey, hey, hey, wait!

My pants! - We'll leave them

at the arcade!

(traffic hums)

(percussive rock music)

- Attention, video enthusiasts.

This is your last chance to a free drink

with the purchase of $5 or more

at our beautiful snack bar.

- You are so full of shit, Jeff Bailey.

- Jeffy, come over here and play Galactic with me.

I think it's gonna be like way totally bitchin'

if you would, like, play with me.

(giggling)

- Sorry, Patsy,

like, Jeff promised to play me.

- Oh God, Connie, space cadet that you are,

Jeffy never promised you anything.

Did you, Jeff?

- Well, ladies, you know I never play these games.

- Dude, come on, Jeff.

I'll do anything that you ask me to.

Anything.

- Please, girls, I can't.

I have to keep my relationship with the clientele

on a, uh, professional level.

Excuse me.

But I've got a couple of free tokens

for the Miner Tower,

and maybe a little later I'll come by,

take a little peek over your shoulders,

see how you're doin', okay?

Hey, now this is an exciting offer, isn't it, guys?

I mean, a free drink doesn't happen every day.

- Jefferson, are these yours?

- "I belong to Eugene Groebe."

Well, his pants are here.

He, uh, can't be far behind.

(giggling)

(blooping and bleeping) (percussive rock music)

(banging)

(giggling)

Gene, are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine, Mr. Bailey.

- [Jeff] No, no, that's cool.

I just, totally, call me Jeff.

- Huh? - Call me Jeff.

- Oh.

Yeah, well, I will.

Um, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had a lot of difficulty getting here.

This being my first day and all.

I had a couple problems as a matter of fact.

- Are you all right, little Eugene?

We left your pants here like we promised.

Sorry they got all wet.

(laughing)

- Excuse me, brother.

Um, I am officially reporting for duty.

(beeping)

- Father, Father,

this thing is possessing me!

(shouts)

Father, Father,

I am losing control!

(shouts)

Father, I have sinned.

(spray bottle hisses) (shouting)

- You're blessed, you're blessed.

(grunting and barking)

♫ Yes they're really fine

♫ Oh yes, they're fine

♫ Yes they're fine

♫ Yes, they're

♫ Down at the arcade

Fingerprints, fingerprints.

(spray bottle hisses) Filthy fingerprints.

Excuse me.

♫ Yes they're fine, ye they're fine

♫ Yes, they're really fine

♫ Any time, any time

♫ Is it really mine

♫ Yes, they're mine, yes, they're mine

♫ Yes, they're

♫ Down at the arcade tonight

Excuse me!

Excuse me, young man.

Would,

you've got to stop playing the games!

You're a disgrace.

Excuse me, sir!

Would you stop playing the games?

(blooping)

Young man,

you must listen to me.

Hey, hey!

I'm sorry, but you're not allowed

to have food on the games.

(blooping)

- No one's ever gotten seven figures on this machine before.

Not even me.

I don't think this machine's capable

of seven figures.

- Well, I'm sorry about that,

but I work here now,

and I find your appearance highly objectionable.

I suggest that you just trot on out of here

and come back when you're in better condition

to play the game.

- Let's you and me see what's inside this, okay?

(blooping and beeping)

- Hey, here now, what are you doing?

You, you can't do that!

- [Gamer] Watch me.

- [Eugene] I am just gonna go get Mr. Jefferson Bailey,

is what I'm gonna do.

- Yeah, you do that.

(beeping and blooping)

- [Eugene] Excuse me, we have an emergency.

- [Jeff] Is, uh, something wrong with the machine, Dorfus?

- No, I'm just tryin' to get it open

to see what's inside of it.

Had a real good game goin', Bailey.

Interrupted.

- Well, yes, sir, I thought he, I--

- That's okay, Eugene.

We know what you thought,

but I'm gonna introduce you

to Jonathan Andrew McDorfus.

- Hey, kid. - Hi.

- Eugene, you must remember Dorfus.

See, he graduated last year with me at school.

He was our senior class president.

- You're kidding?

He was the senior class president last year?

He didn't look anything like this.

What happened?

- Games, kid.

Video games.

(beeping and blooping)

- Well, don't you think you oughta wash your hands first?

- How come? (sneezes)

- [Woman] Uh, excuse me.

- Oh my goodness.

I'm sorry.

It looks like I got my hot dog in your

thing.

I mean, I got my wiener in your.

(laughing)

Um, uh, here.

Um.

(laughing)

- Eugene, get the one that says Oscar Mayer on it.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry.

Oh dear.

(thumping rock music)

- Come on.

(thumping rock music)

Jacket.

(thumping rock music)

Radio.

Music!

(thumping rock music) (laughing)

Arcade!

♫ 'Cause I'm tryin' to control you

♫ I gotta leave you

- [Dorfus] Hey, King Vid!

♫ Don't wanna see you

- [King Vid] Vidiots!

Take your position!

Start game!

(humming) (thumping rock music)

(shouting)

♫ It's time to give way

♫ Well, I gotta leave you

♫ While I'm still standin'

♫ Don't wanna see you

♫ After tonight

- It's after midnight.

You're certain Patsy's in here?

- [Man] Yes, Uncle Joseph.

- [Joseph] Well, I certainly hope you're wrong.

(clapping and shouting)

♫ I'm not gonna let you break me

♫ Can't let you take me, no

- Ms. Pac-Man!

♫ I wanna trade

(humming)

(screaming)

- Ooh, I'll save you, Patsy.

(shouting and banging)

(unintelligible shrieking)

Oh, thank you.

- Patsy!

Get up from there, Patsy!

- My most embarrassing moment by Patsy Rutter.

- Never mind all that.

Get up, you're goin' home.

♫ Take a walk

(groaning)

- Excuse me, uh, Mr. Rutter, Jefferson Bailey.

I'm sorry if there's been any problem.

- You damn right there's a problem here.

Just look what's happening with my daughter here, huh?

I wanna see the manager!

- Well, sir, I am the manager.

- You're not the manager.

You're just a punk kid.

- Uh, my grandfather's the owner,

and he's out of town,

so, in his absence, I have complete power and authority,

and I am certain that I can assist you.

- Don't feed me that bullshit, kid.

You're runnin' a garbage dump in here,

and I intend to do something about it!

Patsy, out!

Go! - Hold on!

Dorfus Maneuver!

(thunderous wet farting)

- Out, out!

Get out!

(laughing) (beeping)

(Dorfus sniffs)

Patsy, I just got off the phone with that Mayor Neville.

Little lazy, no-count, sorry.

He refuses to close that horrible video arcade.

- Daddy, would you, like, get out of my rays, okay?

- I am laying down the law about that arcade, young lady.

- Oh, Daddy, that reminds me.

Connie and I were, like, gonna go shopping

at the Banarama.

Can I have some Billies then?

- Pardon?

- You know, I think you called it lettuce once.

Or was it cabbage?

- All right, all right, uh.

- At least I didn't take your plastic, God.

- All right, now, Patsy, we have an understanding.

You will not go to the arcade again, right?

- Daddy.

If I want to go to the arcade,

like, I am going to go, okay?

(splashing)

(squishing)

- Oh, Jeff!

Dorfus!

Oh my goodness, thank goodness you're here.

Something really strange is happening

in the parking lot.

There's this van and it's shaking and rocking.

- Here, take this, it'll calm ya down.

- Oh, thanks.

I didn't know what to do.

- I didn't know you liked ketchup and cookies.

- Ketchup and cookies?

- Eugene, I'm gonna put you in charge

of finding out what is happening in the parking lot

with the van.

- Me, in charge?

- [Jeff] Yeah.

- It's only my second day and I already have a project.

Thanks.

- Hey, Eugene, Eugene.

Remember, who's ever out there

may not wanna be interrupted.

- Mm.

Don't worry, Dorfus,

you can count on me.

(chuckling)

- He's such a poonis.

- Yeah.

Poonis?

(grunting) (van squeaking)

(moaning and grunting)

(squeaking)

- [Woman] Ah, that was great.

- [Man] Yeah, let's do it again.

Uh, this time, let's put on our snorkels.

- Holy cow.

(shouting)

(splashing)

(chuckling)

- [Dorfus] Isn't that Eugene?

- Hi, guys.

(beeping)

- [Woman In Yellow] So what'd you wanna talk about?

- Well, I heard what you guys did

to my new employee yesterday.

(chuckling)

- You should've been there, it was great.

- I would've given anything to have been there.

I mean, uh, I'm just dying to see

what that picture looks like.

- See, we, uh, needed a picture of a nerd

with his pants down.

- Come on, ladies, I just gotta see

what my new employee looks like

caught in the act.

Okay, I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.

You know that new special video game

you've been wanting to play?

You show me the picture,

and we'll go in there right now and play.

- Strip Video?

- You got it.

(percussive instrumental music)

(laughing)

- Great legs, Eugene! - Great legs, Eugene!

(laughing)

Come on, ladies, let's go.

- [Dorfus] Come on, okay.

(beeping) (thumping rock music)

♫ You show it all to me

♫ Babe, I'll set ya free

♫ You're ma-ma-makin'

♫ Me wait too long

- Oh, damn it!

♫ You're mine

♫ I'm ready anytime

♫ Co-Co-Co-Co-Comin'

- Shame, Alva, shame.

- Why don't you play, Jeff?

- Oh no, I can't.

Look, we'll just keep doin' what we're doin'.

You know, a piece of your clothing

for, uh, a piece of mine.

It's your turn, Lola.

♫ Sit right down

♫ Sh-Sh-Shake it around

♫ Shake it around

♫ Shake it, shake it around

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it, shake it

♫ Babe, I sit down

(beeping)

(laughing)

(beeping)

- How come you never actually play, Jeff Bailey?

- Well, it's kind of a long story.

- We've got plenty of time, Jeff.

Why don't you tell us?

- I'm gonna have to break this up.

You know, I mean I can't leave those two idiots

running the arcade alone.

I got some work to do, uh,

so can we continue this later, huh?

- Nothing's going to happen to your precious arcade.

- Yeah, I know, but, you know, I'm responsible for it,

and if they get all those machines going at once,

you know, there's gonna be some hell to pay

out there, boy, oh boy.

- [Lola] Oh, stop worrying, Jeff.

♫ Sit right down and shake it around

- [Jeff] Oh, ladies.

I feel a little, uh.

♫ Shake it around, shake it

♫ Shake it, shake it, take it, take it around

(hatch squeaks)

(laughing)

♫ Sh-Sh-Sh-Shake it around

Push Alva, Lola, push her!

(laughing)

♫ Shake it around

Okay, ladies.

I gotta go.

♫ Shake it, shake it, shake it

(fire extinguisher hisses)

(fire alarm rings)

Oh my God!

Smoke, we gotta get outta here.

(fire alarm rings)

My God, I was afraid of this!

We're trapped.

We're trapped, we're gonna die.

(coughing)

(knocking)

♫ Shake it around

♫ Shake it around

(shouting)

- [Dorfus] Smile!

(laughing)

Smile!

- Bailey,

I came here because I thought

I might be able to reason with you.

I shoulda known better.

This place deserves to be shut down.

Patsy, come on. - Okay, Daddy,

now don't jump to conclusions.

I can explain-- - Shut up!

Get out of my way, ya brats.

Move it!

Look, I don't wanna talk about it, young lady.

One way or the other,

I'm gonna close that place down.

- God, Daddy, it's like you are so edged,

it's like you are turning totally edged.

If you would, like, listen to me,

in time I could explain to you that Jeff Bailey

is like a totally bitchin' guy.

And I wanted to--

- Now, look. - God!

Bunch of crisp-os.

- Look, young lady, you're not too old to tan anymore.

And don't talk about your lamebrain cousins

that way either.

Now get in the car.

- Uncle Joseph. - What?

- What do you want us to do?

- Do?

I don't want you idiots to do nothin'.

- Don't worry, Max.

I got an idea.

- Great, I hope it's a good one.

(beeping)

(percussive pop music)

- [Max] Is my mascara overdone?

- Max, cut it out.

- No, really, if it's too much, I can fix it.

- Your mascara's fine.

- You wouldn't just say that?

- Max, you look great, don't worry.

What, what's this?

Lemme see somethin'.

- Well what-- - Lemme see somethin'!

- Okay, okay!

Okay, okay, God, don't be such a bully.

- Now don't forget,

Max, we gotta look and act like these

video game pinball players

so we can check out the place

and they won't notice it.

- Okay.

- Max, you got it?

- Uh huh. - You got it?

- Yes.

It's Maxine!

- I'm gonna lay you out.

- You promise?

(blooping)

- Man, I love wheels.

I wanna get me some wheels.

Wait!

Stop.

Has anyone ever told you

you got great legs?

- Not in years.

- Come here. - Okay.

- You know, uh,

you are definitely

Vidiot material.

- Thank you.

- No thanks.

No thanks.

It's cools.

It's groovy.

Peace.

Come on, Max.

Maxine, let's go inside, Maxine!

- Bye. - Yeah.

Come on, Maxine, let's go inside!

- Wait, don't leave me like this!

(groans)

What an animal!

- Oh!

Go Battle Dome.

- Peace. - Flowers and peace, brother.

- Freedom!

- What's this, a car?

Ooh, I wanna play this.

- [Man In Bandana] Oh, lookin' good, Mama.

Is there something you want?

- Uh, I'd like to play this game.

- No, I don't think so.

See, no girl's allowed to play my machine.

- I'm not really--

- Uh, sorry, Maxine.

I'm gonna play. - No, I don't think so.

See, uh, no guy with ugly chick

is to play my machine.

Besides, man, it's busy.

- I'm only gonna be a minute.

I love to really get behind the wheel.

I drive for a living.

Trucks, cars, you name it.

It's a cinch.

- It looks like it.

You're old lady looks like she's been

in plenty of accidents.

But I don't think you understand.

It's my turn.

- I, I get you.

Then, then it's my turn.

- No, man.

You still don't get it.

He's next.

(laughing)

- I think he's tryin' to tell ya

the game's tied up.

- Hey, you get the prize.

- [Cousin] Give him the flower, Maxine.

Spread your love over to that side.

- Peace.

- And I'll spread my love over on this side.

Peace.

Groovy.

♫ Every mornin', noon, and night

♫ Got to have it

Peace.

Love, sisters.

- [Max] Hey, Ernie, look.

It's a Ms. Pac-Man.

And she looks just like me!

- Did you learn anything about it?

- Yeah, I should've worn more makeup.

- Forget about it, Max.

I got it figured out.

- Yeah? - I know how

to make Uncle Joseph real proud of us.

- You do?

How, how? - You ready?

- Yeah. - You listenin'?

- Uh huh.

- There's no security around here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, yeah?

What, what?

- We come to this joint tonight.

We'll bust in here and take every machine away.

- Yeah, but if you take out all the games,

how, how's anybody gonna play?

- Cousin Max, you are brilliant.

- Yeah.

- And so is old Arnie. - Right.

- Let's go, let's go.

Hurry.

♫ Just like you said it would

♫ And then you stabbed me out

♫ Stabbed me, hurt, dead

♫ Ooh, baby, it's just like

(car revs)

- Wait, wait!

Wait, come back here!

Come back here!

Wait a minute! (tires screech)

My little animal!

- And they said they were gonna steal

all the video games,

and they said they were gonna do it tonight.

Jeff, we gotta call the police.

- No, not while my grandfather's out of town.

I don't want the police to know anything about this.

But I got an idea.

- There's the place.

Okay, Eugene, you ready?

- Ready, ready for what?

- Come on, we're gonna save Jeff.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

(grunting)

Shh! - Sorry, Dorfo.

- Just a little further, straight back!

Keep goin', keep goin', keep going.

Okay, okay, keep going.

(shattering)

That's good.

Yeah.

- Listen, Dorfus.

Let's just go back to the arcade.

- No.

- I'll make you some hot dogs.

- No!

- Hot dogs and chili?

- Would you get up there

so we can get some shit on this Rutter guy

so he'll leave the arcade alone.

Come on. - Don't push.

- Get up there. - Don't push.

- [Dorfus] Get up there.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

(groaning)

Oh no!

Help me!

Help me.

(whimpering)

(ladder rattles and bangs)

Shh, shh! - Okay.

(whimpering)

Watch out.

(moaning)

(snoring)

- She's out cold.

Oh, this is the good stuff. (alarm blares)

Shh!

(chuckling)

Oh, Eugene.

This is your chance to pop your cork.

- Oh God, Dorfus, don't even joke.

Dorfus!

She won't let go.

- [Dorfus] Oh, it's, it's nature tellin' ya

it's time for you to get laid.

- No, no!

Not like this, Dorfus, come on, help me.

Please, help.

- Help you?

Come on, quit fighting it, Eugene.

This is bigger than one of us. - Dorfus!

- Baby, it's been so long.

(Eugene whimpering)

- [Eugene] Dorfus, help me.

(woman moaning)

- Come on, Eugene.

Assert your manhood.

- Help!

(lock rattles)

(crowbar clangs)

(door rattles)

Dorfus!

(door bangs)

Ooh, ooh, ow.

Dorfus!

- Shit!

- [Eugene] Watch it, lady, watch your hands.

Ah!

(Dorfus whimpers)

- [Woman] Come on, honey.

- Eugene, Rutter!

Shit!

(comedic instrumental music)

- [Eugene] Hey, ah!

(woman moans gently)

(door slams)

(comedic instrumental music)

(woman moaning gently)

(comedic instrumental music)

- [Max] Good, okay.

Great, hey, Arnie.

You think uncle Joseph would let us

keep one of these machines for the den?

You know, I think we should put one of these machines

right next to the sofa in the den.

- You ready, number one? - What do you think?

- What do I think? - Yeah.

- What do I think? - 'Kay, number one, go.

- [Arnie] I think your ass is grass

in another second, man.

- [Max] Right, right, I dig.

(gurgling)

(comedic instrumental music)

(woman moaning)

(comedic instrumental music)

- Give me some covers, Vivian!

- [Eugene] Give him so covers, Vivian.

- [Vivian] Come on, baby, don't stop now.

- Go back to sleep, Vivian.

You're havin' a dream.

- Oh, what's the matter, big boy?

I was just gettin' started.

- [Joesph] Come on, take another pill, huh?

(Eugene whimpers)

(comedic instrumental music)

(Vivian moans softly)

- [Vivian] No, don't stop.

(Dorfus farts wetly)

(Dorfus farts wetly)

- Oh, damn it, Vivian!

Didn't I tell ya to talk to Dr. Michaels

about that? (deodorant hisses)

(Dorfus farts gently)

(Dorfus chuckles)

(Vivian moans gently)

(doorbell rings)

Oh no.

(comedic instrumental music)

(banging)

- We did it, we did it. - Yeah.

Boy, Uncle Joe's gonna be proud of us, eh?

(whimpering)

- What do you want at this hour?

- Uh, my name is Jonathan Andrew McDorfus.

I needed somebody to talk to,

and I, I knew I could trust you.

- Talk, it's two o'clock in the morning.

What is this, are you drunk?

- Drunk?

No, I'm not drunk.

Why, I don't even take mind-altering drugs.

Well, sir,

uh, now's the time for safety.

In, in our country today, uh,

if, if you wanna get out safely,

you, you better act now!

Do you understand?

- What are you, crazy, why are you shouting?

- Shouting, am I shouting, Mr. Rutter?

Down here at the front porch?

No, I'm not shouting.

I just want my friend,

I want all my friends,

to know that it's safe if they act now!

(chuckling) (engine grinds)

- [Arnie] What's happened, Max?

How much gas did you put in here?

- I put in a dollar's worth.

- What do you think this is, a moped?

- No, that's all I had.

Besides, we only live two miles away.

- Now you're gonna have to get the gas.

Get the gas.

- No, you get the gas, it's your turn.

- No, you put the dollar in, you get the gas.

- You get the gas. - No, you get the gas.

- You get the gas. - You get the gas.

- We'll both get the gas.

- No, we'll both get the gas.

- Right. - Okay.

- Let's go, guys.

Those idiots will be back soon.

Come on, get these outta here.

- Look, young man, you're gonna have to stop yelling

or I'm gonna call the police.

- Oh, that won't be necessary, Mr.

Rutter.

Why, I, I'll lower my voice.

(comedic instrumental music) (Vivian moans)

(comedic instrumental music)

- [Eugene] Oh shit!

(comedic instrumental music)

- Eugene and Mommy?

- [Max] Hey, Arnie.

- [Arnie] Yeah?

- [Max] I'm sorry about the gas.

- [Arnie] Forget about it, Max.

Don't worry about it, we fixed it.

Come on. - Okay.

- [Arnie] Uncle Joseph's gonna love this!

- Right!

God, Uncle Joseph's gonna be so proud of us!

- I'm gonna be Uncle Joseph's right hand man!

- Yeah, and I'm gonna be his, uh,

uh, I could be his.

(truck rumbles)

- Hey, guys, we did it. - Yeah.

- We did it.

Okay, we'll finish this up

and then I am throwin' a party,

I mean a private party,

private party, all the tokens are on the house.

- Hey, I'm gonna bring my old lady.

- Yeah, great idea, man.

Hey, get all the girls down here.

Hey, I got it.

Tell 'em to come as they are.

I love PJs, you know, the frills, and the legs.

- I'm with ya on that! - All right, okay!

All right, let's go, guys!

- [Man] All right!

- I, I wasn't given much of a start off in life

as a child. (cries)

At least, what I can remember of my childhood.

I can't go on like this!

(comedic instrumental music)

This is happening all so fast.

I, I don't even-- - You friends with this?

- No.

- Mr. Rutter, I was so young then.

- Look, buddy, it's after two in the mornin'.

I really don't vcre about your problems.

- But wait, wait, wait!

It's about the arcade.

- I thought it might be.

What about the video arcade?

- Mr. Rutter, I, it's just that

I think you're all wrong about the arcade.

It's a great place for boys

and, and for girls to,

to have a good time.

Why, all kids need somewhere

they can have a good time,

and in having a good time,

they'd be somewhere, like, uh, Eugene.

He's been somewhere.

He's now here.

- Hi.

- He works at the arcade.

Don't ya? - Yeah, I do.

- Tell him about it. - I enjoy my work there

very much.

I, it's a wonderful place to work.

- That's enough, Eugene.

(horn honks)

- What now?

(comedic instrumental music)

Max, Arnie?

(comedic instrumental music)

What is this?

(dog barks)

(comedic instrumental music)

- Patsy, come on.

Let's go somewhere.

(chuckling)

- [Max] Hey, boss, come look!

You're gonna love it!

- [Joesph] Quiet, you're gonna wake up all the neighbors.

- We stole all the video games.

- You stole what?

- Can we keep one for the den?

- Have one for the?

(dog barking) (comedic instrumental music)

- Here's the receipt

for the truck rental, Uncle Joe.

- Receipt for what?

- Just wait till ya see it.

- See what?

(dog barking)

- Hey, Arnie, what happened?

(car revs)

(rhythmic instrumental music)

- Hey, Kitty, Candy, you look great, great.

- Hi, Jeff. - Hi, Candy.

- Wanna play Pac-Man?

- Maybe later, maybe later.

(Candy moans)

(rhythmic instrumental music)

Hey, Vidiots.

- Hey.

- I see the, uh, gang's all here.

- Hey, what's the idea

openin' up and not alertin' the Vidiots?

- Well, see, we're not open.

We took care of a little business.

Now we're celebrating.

You're gonna have to leave

because this party is private.

- Well why can't we stay?

- I told ya, we're not open.

- Well, uh,

I'll tell you what!

How 'bout if we play for it?

You against me,

and if I win, we stay,

if you win, we, we leave.

- No, now you know I never play these games.

- I'll tell you what!

I'll tell you what!

You pick your best player, him against me,

and, and if, if he wins,

no problems, I'll leave.

- You got a game.

(laughing)

- Dorfus.

- This is a-- - And the game is

Satan's Hollow!

- Baby! - That's right, you morons,

this way.

'Kay here, let's get this show on the road.

Now the rules of the Arena are very simple.

Each man will play one complete game

of Satan's Hollow,

and at the end of the game,

the man with the highest point total will be the winner.

- [King Vid] I'm gonna kill you!

- Go for it, Bat's Head. (belches)

- Come on, come on.

Players in position, ready to start game.

Tokens, please.

Ready?

Start game!

(beeping and blooping)

(cackling)

Okay, Dorfus, come on, let's go, Dorfus.

Dorfus, what are you doin'?

Dorfus, what are you doin'?

It's time to play, come on.

Dorfus, will you, come on, eat the hot dog later.

Let's go, okay, come on, Dorfus, come on.

Play the game, Dorfus.

Dorfus, play the game.

(cackling)

Play the game, Dorfus.

Come on, God!

Dorfus, watch out!

You're about to be hit, Dorfus.

- [King Vid] Yeah!

- [Jeff] Dorfus.

(chuckling)

Dorfus, come on, here's your second man.

Now come on, Dorfus.

(beeping and blooping)

Dorfus, play the game.

(beeping and blooping)

- [King Vid] Yeah, yeah!

This Dorfus, is for you.

(chuckling)

- [Jeff] We're gonna do this.

Come on, we gotta win.

Come on, Dorfus, get goin'.

- [King Vid] Oh yeah!

(rumbling and beeping)

Great, great!

- Dorfus, what are you doing?

(beeping)

- You're down to your last man, Dorfus!

(blooping)

- [Jeff] There's only one man left.

What are you doing, Dorfus?

Dorfus, come on, there's only one left.

Come on!

- What's he doing? (laughs)

Too bad, Dorfus, too bad!

- I lost my candy bar.

Oh, there's your man.

(beeping)

(screams)

- [Woman] All right!

(dramatic pop music)

- [Jeff] Yeah, go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, Dorfus.

(people shouting and chattering)

(thumping pop music)

- [Crowd] Go, go!

(thumping pop music)

- Go, go, go, go, go!

(crowd shouting and chattering)

- [Jeff] Come on, Dor-Man.

Come on, time it.

(chortling)

(beeping and blooping)

- [Man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Go, Dorfus, go!

(crowd cheers and shouts)

(beeping and blooping)

- Dorfus, you won.

Hey, Dorfus.

Dorfus, you can stop now.

Hey, Dorfus, it's only a game.

Come on. - No, no, Jeff.

It's not just a game.

To Dorfus, playing video games

is like eating or sleeping,

breathing, things that we take for granted

and never question.

You ask Dorfus to stop

and you don't realize

that for him to give up

would be for him to give up

on the very impulse that allows his heart

to continue beating,

the blood to surge through his veins,

and the air to fill through his lungs.

(rhythmic pop music)

- God, Eugene,

you're makin' me sick to my stomach.

(rhythmic pop music)

- You have just witnessed a true champion.

God.

- [Dorfus] Sorry you lost,

but maybe you should color your hair.

- Hey, hey, look, Vidiot,

uh, you can stay, but, uh, no trouble, promise?

- Hey, man,

a Vidiot never promises nothin' to no one!

(rapid rock music)

- Oh no.

- Uh oh.

- Patsy, I thought I told you

you couldn't come here anymore.

- Yeah, but, Daddy, that was, like, to the video arcade.

This isn't a video arcade.

It's like a party in the middle of the night

after the arcade,

so this is like the party atmosphere.

- Bailey, you've gone too far this time.

You have no right to keep this business open

this late at night.

- We are not open for business, Rutter.

This is a private party.

- Yeah, Daddy, and no offense,

but you weren't on the invite list.

Way to rude.

- Look, you're taking blatant advantage of these minors.

I mean, look around, how these young girls are dressed.

- Ooh, yeah.

And I know each and every one personally,

so if you're interested,

let me know which one

and I'll fix ya up with 'em.

- Look, I've had just about enough of you

for one night, young man.

- I want you outta here, Rutter.

This is a private gathering.

- Yeah, I'm leaving,

but you haven't heard the last of me yet.

(rapid rock music)

- It's a stupid idea about stealin' those games

and rentin' a truck.

- Shut up, Max, shut up, shut up, shut up!

(rapid rock music)

(gum bubble pops)

- Come here!

(beeping and blooping)

I want you two to arrange

a spontaneous public demonstration

outside this arcade tomorrow afternoon.

- That's a good idea, Uncle Joesph.

- [Joe] Yeah, well don't screw this one up.

- Uncle Joseph, that reminds me, uh,

we screwed it up with the truck tonight,

and we're gonna pick up the tab.

I got the receipt right here.

So don't worry.

We're gonna take care of it personally.

- This is Alexis Wheeler

speaking to you live from Bailey's Video Arcade.

We're in the middle of a spontaneous demonstration

to close down the arcade.

We have a special interview for you

with this gentleman over here.

Excuse me.

Your name, sir?

- Uh, Joesph Rutter.

Rutter Enterprises, right here in River City.

- Mr. Rutter, do you have

anything to do

with this demonstration?

- Well no, ma'am, I came here as a shocked parent,

a concerned parent who cares very deeply

about all the children of this community.

You know, what takes place here,

day after day, stands as a testament

to the rotting moral decay of our society.

- Rutter was determined to close us down

from the moment he walked into this place.

- The man's a driven asshole.

- No, no, you don't see what I mean.

He was there when Alva and Lola

ran out with their tops off.

He thinks we're running a bordello.

- Bordello? - Bordello?

- Yes, you should've seen the expression

on the druggist's face when I picked up these slides

this morning.

Look at this.

- What, what have you got there?

- And so, at the video arcade,

with one very angry and frustrated parent,

this is Alexis Wheeler, Channel Six,

Up To the Minute News.

- All right.

Uh, I got an idea.

Alexis.

- This is Alexis Wheeler speaking to you poolside

at the home of Mr. Joseph Rutter,

who is conducting the campaign in this city

to close down the video arcade.

Mr. Rutter, thank you for allowing us

into your home.

Could you reiterate to our audience

what it is you plan to accomplish?

- Now we have a contingency of parents, uh,

demonstrating in front of the arcade now,

and we will continue to do so

until Mayor Neville calls a special meeting

of the City Council to discuss this issue specifically,

and it has to be done soon,

before anymore harm to our children is done.

- [Alexis] Uh, have you, in fact, ever gone

to the video arcade?

- Haven't I made myself clear, lady?

That damn video arcade is nothing

but a breeding ground for decadent

and antisocial behavior.

- That's interesting, Mr. Rutter.

Uh, speaking of antisocial behavior,

I have photographic evidence

of you at the arcade

with two semi-nude girls in your arms.

- What, what is this?

Is this a set-up or somethin'?

I mean who do you think you are, Mike Wallace

or Howard Cosell or somethin', huh?

- [Alexis] Are you aware of the photograph of which I speak?

- I have no idea of what you are talking about.

Do you have that photograph with you?

- No.

- Well sure.

- Uh, but I do know where it can be found.

- Uh, yeah, well this is the worst example

of shoddy journalism I have ever seen.

- I don't know, I thought it was a pretty good example

of shoddy journalism.

- No further comment, thank you.

- Uh, no, Mr. Rutter, we're not quite through.

We have a few more questions, uh.

- Sorry, no. - Get them off my property!

- Uh-- - If Uncle Joseph says

it's over, it's over.

- All we have to do now is wait for his call.

- We got him this time.

♫ Love

♫ Is a moment

♫ Like a wave

- Hey, I thought you said you were comin' alone.

- These guys don't count.

You got the photographs like we agreed?

- Yeah, but there's somethin' I want

you to understand, Rutter. - Two things, I want the photo

and I want you to tell that lady journalist

that photo was a phony.

- You can have it.

But you gotta promise that you'll leave this arcade alone

and that you'll drop those stupid charges.

- I promised you that on the phone, didn't I?

Now where's the photo?

- It's right over here behind the bar.

Hey, hey, these guys are a little impatient, aren't they?

- Well, I want that photograph.

- Okay now, here's what you're lookin' for,

but, uh, first I want you to sign

this simple agreement.

It's nothing complicated.

Just simply reaffirms our understanding.

- Uh uh, I gave you my word.

- I'm sorry, Rutter, but that's just not quite good enough.

Hey!

- Have you got the photograph?

Fine, let's go.

(Eugene growls)

Let's go.

(Arnie barks)

(beeping)

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, all demonstrators.

If you come up here and turn in your picket signs,

you'll get one free token.

That's right, right up here by the snack bar.

Come on.

- Close the arcade!

Close the arcade! - Close the arcade!

- What's goin' on here?

Where are the demonstrators?

- It's not our fault, Uncle Joesph.

- Yeah, Uncle Joseph,

we've been outsmarted.

- This is our place.

What are all these old dudes doin' here,

hangin' out, takin' up all our games?

- This place is open to the public.

I can't determine who comes in here and plays these games.

- How could you let this happen?

- Oh, man, you sold out!

You really sold out to the max, man!

- Okay, Vidiot, outta here right now!

- Hey, you don't have to tell us to leave!

We're on our way outta here anyway.

We don't wanna hang in your crummy joint!

Come on!

(shouting)

(banging)

- Uh, excuse me.

- Yeah, what do you want?

- Uh, could you take me to your leader?

- The name's King Vidiot.

These are my subjects.

Hey, uh,

have you got a sister? - Me, no, no, I.

- It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr.

My card.

- Not impressed.

- Well that's too bad

'cause I think we're on the same side.

However, if you decide you need, uh,

help with our young friend Mr. Bailey in there,

gimme a call.

(gentle instrumental music)

What the hell are you doin' here?

- You said you wanted to talk.

- I meant my office.

- I don't like offices.

- Why didn't you use the door?

- I don't like doors.

- Very well, Mr. Vidiot, have a seat.

- I don't like seats.

And that's another thing,

the name is King Vidiot!

Not Mr. Vidiot.

You can call me Your Highness if you like.

- You and I have something in common.

Do you know what that is?

- We both like to hang out in public bathrooms.

- No!

We both hate that arcade.

- Wait a minute, man.

I love the arcade.

- Then let me put it another way.

Uh, we both hate Jefferson Bailey.

Now I saw him kick you outta there last night,

and if you're half the leader I think you are--

- I am half the leader you think I am.

- You'd like some revenge.

- Yeah.

Revenge.

Sure.

Revenge.

(crunching)

Revenge

is sweet!

- I tell ya what,

you help me force Jefferson Bailey out of business,

and I'll buy you your own video game.

If you're dyin', I'm not gonna give you

mouth-to-mouth.

(gentle instrumental music)

- You mean my very own machine?

- Yeah.

- Nobody else could touch it?

- No.

- What I gotta do?

- I want a major disturbance at the arcade.

- Oh we, man, we do that all the time.

- Yeah, but I want a special one.

I've got to force the mayor to move.

- Yeah, yeah,

like, uh,

like, uh,

uh,

breakin' some bones.

- Oh yeah.

- [King Vid] Revenge.

Oh, man,

what if we was to have some wheels?

- Some wheels?

- Yeah!

Wheels.

(engine revs)

Vidiots!

Yeah!

(laughing)

- Yeah!

- Vidiots, Vidiots, Visiots!

Wheels!

Wheels!

Yeah!

Wheels!

(engine revs)

(pounding rock music)

(grunting)

- Hello, operator?

Quick, get me the police.

This is an emergency!

- This is Alexis Wheeler reporting to you

from the video arcade,

where violence has just erupted.

(people chattering)

Mr. Rutter, were you a witness to what happened here today?

- I have nothing to say to you.

Unless, of course, you're here to apologize

for your scurrilous accusations.

- I have nothing to apologize about.

But I will admit that with the violence here today,

the mayor is gonna really have a problem

with everything that's been going on.

- Thanks for the wheels, man.

Hi, Mom.

- Uh, what did that young man mean?

- I have no idea.

He's just another one of these lunatics

from this asylum.

What'd you start to say about the mayor?

- I was only suggesting that the mayor

will more than likely wanna call a meeting

to discuss everything-- - You heard it, folks.

Straight from Alexis Wheeler.

The mayor's calling a special emergency meeting

to shut this video arcade down.

- I never said such a thing.

I never-- - Uh, thank you.

- Give me back my microphone.

(gavel bangs) (people chattering)

- There will be order in this room.

That's better.

We'll now proceed with the opening statements.

Uh, Mr. Rutter.

- Mr. Mayor,

councilmen, concerned parents,

children.

(booing)

(thumping rock music)

(gavel bangs)

- Uh, Mr. Rutter, would you go ahead?

- Thank you, uh, Mr. Mayor.

As you know,

we are here to extinguish the filth

and the decadence

that is commonly referred to

as video game entertainment.

Fortunately, here in River City,

the problem is isolated,

though no less threatening.

The trouble, right here in River City,

is Bailey's Video Arcade.

- Yeah! - All right!

(crowd chatters)

(booing)

- [Man] Throw him out!

(booing)

- [Mayor] Mr. Bailey,

do you care to make some opening remarks?

- You mean, uh,

other than to say that the honorable Mr. Joseph Rutter

is full of shit. - What?

Heel!

(beeping)

- What are some of the signs

of this video madness?

What should a concerned parent look for?

- A large semicircle of calluses here

along the ridge between the thumb and the forefinger.

One should also look for Pac-Man arthritis

or the Blinky syndrome,

which manifests itself in the lower forearm and wrist

of the playing hand,

the hand that holds the, uh,

joystick.

(crowd laughs)

- Is there anything else you have observed?

- Germs.

- Germs, Nurse Tubitt?

- Kids play with their joysticks day in and day out.

Jerking them back and forth,

sweating on them,

and they don't even clean them off

when they're through.

(crowd laughs)

Their joysticks are a hotbed of germs!

Germs!

(beeping)

- Well, as it turns out, most of my boys

are spending all their time

with these damn video games.

Why, they're addicted to them.

It, it's worse than dope or booze

or even women.

And it takes their drive away,

like self-abuse.

(beeping)

- If you were to summarize the effect the video arcade

has had on you,

what would you say?

- Oh, you mean like in, uh, 25 words or less?

Uh.

The video arcade

has made me what I am today.

(cheering and clapping)

- [Man] Whoo, all right!

- What's the matter, that was less than 25 words!

(beeping)

- I hoped to convey the very specific,

easily discernible damages

done by the video arcade.

I would be remiss in my responsibilities

as spokesman for this cause

without trying to express to you

the frightfully immoral nature

of the arcade ambiance itself.

As soon as you walk through the door,

you are hit by the stench of the filth

that covers the premises.

- She's 16, she's beautiful.

She's ready for action.

What am I bid?

- [Patsy] Oh, Jeff, Jeff, my body is mega entranced,

restless, and abandoned to be as one with you.

- I'm sorry, Patsy, I'm busy!

You'll have to go elsewhere for your sexual gratification.

- Oh, Jeff, why are you always so awesome!

- Go.

- [Woman] Oh, baby, baby, baby.

(laughing and moaning)

- [Patsy] Oh how long is the line?

- [Max] It said 15 minutes

but it's always longer.

This is my fourth time today,

and I'm going pee a dozen.

- Number 69, number 69.

You know the rules, Candy.

I do the touching.

(groaning)

- [Dorfus] Oh, pretty, pretty.

(laughing and moaning)

(fire crackles)

- And so, in conclusion,

I hope you can all see the urgent need

to close this place down as quickly

and as efficiently as possible.

(beeping)

- Now I have listened very carefully to Mr. Rutter

as I'm sure most of us have.

Now I would like to tell you the truth.

That the video arcade

is quite a different place

than from what my esteemed opponent has described.

Children of all ages are welcome at the video arcade.

Now today, class, we will continue our lesson

in computer science.

- Mr. Bailey, I want you to know

that your lessons have been very instrumental

in getting me into college.

- That's right, sir, especially your lessons

on your private computer.

- I like milk.

It's very nutritious.

I'm drinking milk for good.

(glasses clink)

(gentle instrumental music)

- Oh, I'm sorry, Eugene,

I accidentally rubbed my breast up against you.

- No harm done, Candy.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Cardinal Dorfus,

these are excellent hit dogs and bens,

the best I've ever had.

- Thank you, Your Holiness,

but it's hot dog and beans.

- Yes, of course.

(Dorfus farts)

Cardinal Dorfus, do you smell something?

- Why, no, Your Holiness, I, I do not.

- Well, never mind.

- Remember, Your Holiness, the words of the apostle Paul.

He who smelt it first, hath dealt it first.

- Yes, that is as it should be.

- Ah!

(beeping) (clapping)

- [Man] Woo, all right!

- I would be wholly remiss in my duties

if I didn't call one very special witness to the stand.

That is, of course, if I have the approval of Mr. Rutter.

- It's a free country.

- Patsy Rutter.

- [Joesph] Huh?

(cheering and clapping)

(beeping)

- Now in your own words,

would you please tell the Council

how you feel about the video arcade?

- Okay!

Like where are we supposed to go?

Sure, there's the galleria,

and there's, like, going to the movies and everything,

or going to 7-11 after school for stuff,

but, like, that's totally it.

Jeff Bailey's Video Arcade

is the only place to go

for good clean fun.

- Good clean fun?

My God, Patsy, are you crazy?

My God,

that place is slime and pure unadulterated slime

and immoralist slime!

Slime!

(crowd chattering)

What?

(crowd chattering)

- Well, thank you, Mr. Rutter,

for very nicely leading me into my next point

about immorality as we see it today.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as a way of clearing up Mr. Rutter's

definition of immoral slime,

watch this.

(beeping)

(shouting and chattering)

(beeping)

- My God, Max, you said you got that photo!

- [Max] I did, it's right here!

- May I please have Eugene's photo back?

And in conclusion, as for the video arcade

being a threat to the community,

I'll tell ya that

until my grandfather and I opened the arcade,

these kids never felt that they belonged

to a community at all.

At the arcade, the kids belong.

(cheering and shouting)

- [Mayor] That slide obviously proves it

as a personal matter.

(crowd chattering)

- Your Honor, no city ordinances were broken.

I don't see how you could possibly close this arcade.

(gavel bangs)

- This Council of River City

concludes

that, eh, no laws have been broken at the arcade,

so we, we can find no evidence

to warrant its closing.

(shouting and clapping)

(gavel bangs)

As long as you don't break any laws.

(crowd chatters)

Let's get the hell outta here.

- Patsy!

You best go home now, darling.

Well, congratulations, young Mr. Bailey,

you did quite well in here.

- Well, thank you, Rutter, that's uh,

very sportsmanlike of you.

- Suppose you think you've got this thing won, huh?

- You heard what the mayor said.

As long as we keep things within the law.

- Well I suppose you'd be interested

to see what my two nephews here

have found in the kitchen of your snack bar.

- [Dorfus] You're just not gonna give up,

are ya, Rutter?

- Why you son of a--

- No, no, just wait a minute!

- What?

- Um,

well I just had an idea, that's all.

I thought that maybe we could settle this like gentlemen.

- [Dorfus] What, are you crazy, Eugene,

or hit your head on somethin'?

- No.

It's just that last time we had a disagreement,

we played a game at the arcade,

and the winner of the game decides.

- This little wimp speak for you?

- Yeah, this little wimp speaks for me,

and I challenge you to a game.

My man against any man you choose.

If you win, I'll close the arcade down.

But if I win, you leave the arcade the hell alone.

- You know my man, His Highness King Vidiot!

- Yeah, and my man is Jonathan McDorfus.

- Okay.

This time, we play my game, Super-Pac!

- Piece of cake.

- Ha! - Ha!

- Ha! - Ha!

- Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

(humming)

- Well, it's all settled then.

Shall we say, uh, nine o'clock in the morning?

- No, make it 11, Rutter!

I gotta eat my breakfast first.

- Okay, calm down, Dorfman.

You're in training.

- All right, you two know what to do now, huh?

You sure you know where that slob kid lives?

(beeping)

Well, well, kid, what do ya say, huh?

- What are you doin'? - Where's your man?

- Dorfus, he's around.

- No, he's not around-- - Shh.

Excuse me, sir, private conversation,

thank you. - Yeah, sure.

- What's wrong? - He's not at home,

and the guy at the hot dog stand next door

hasn't seen him since last night.

- Not since last night? - No.

- Your Highness.

Tell ya what, kid, it's put up or shut up time.

You gonna forfeit?

- Hell I am, I'll just choose someone else to play.

- I'll tell you what, Bailey,

you're so smart, I'll play you.

- No, that's not the deal.

- That's right.

Besides, idiot, you know I never play these games.

- Never play these games,

sure, you never play these games.

- That's right, so it wouldn't be fair,

so I'll just choose someone else to play.

- Is he shittin' me? - No.

Everybody knows Bailey doesn't play video games.

He's a regular chicken. (clucks)

- I'll tell ya what, Bailey, uh,

let's sweeten the pot a little bit here, huh?

I'll let you play but you've gotta promise

that if you lose this match,

you'll not only shut this arcade down,

you'll never open another arcade here in River City, huh?

- All right, you've got it.

But you've gotta give me 15 minutes.

- You got it.

(laughing)

- I think there's something I should tell you.

- Yeah? - Well,

you know the reason why I never play these games?

- No. - Well,

they, they make me physically ill.

- [Eugene] What?

- Yeah.

I mean, every time I look into one of those screens,

I get dizzy and I-- - Jeff?

Are you okay? - Yeah.

- I mean, you looked a little weird.

- No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's cool, thanks. - Oh.

- Jeff, you must be shitting me.

- No, Eugene, I wouldn't shit you

at a time like this.

- But why?

Why, Jeff, why do you get so dizzy?

I know, I'll run and get some Dramamine.

- Eugene, that is not gonna help.

I guess I better tell ya the whole story.

It all started, Eugene, because I loved video games.

And I guess that's why Dorfus and I became so close.

I mean, we'd play each other,

and sometimes he'd win,

and sometimes I'd win, and.

- Gosh, you must be really good.

- I was, Eugene, was.

Anyhow, about six months ago,

I convinced my grandfather to

turn the warehouse into the arcade

We had a fantastic grand opening.

And after we were closed,

my girlfriend and I, Sandy,

we kinda hung around a while, you know, and.

God, it was wonderful, Eugene.

We were so in love.

And it was the, uh, first time for both of us.

Everything was just perfect.

♫ Love

♫ Is a moment

♫ Like a wave

♫ Lost in the ocean

♫ Calm

♫ So deceptive

♫ Like the storm

♫ She's expectin'

♫ Oh I

♫ Never ever felt this good before

♫ You

♫ Never ever thought I could before

♫ You

♫ Sailed into my life

♫ And said hello

♫ On a Sunday

Everything was wonderful.

Until I looked into a video screen

and there was the reflection of her father.

Eugene, it was awful.

He started slapping her.

(romantic pop music)

- What happened then?

- They moved outta town

and I haven't seen her since.

And now every time I look into one of those screens,

I see the reflection of her father.

And I haven't played those games since.

- I'll help ya, Jeff.

You gotta come through this.

Everybody out there's depending on you.

- You gonna help me, Eugene?

- You can count on me, Jeff.

(staccato instrumental music)

Make sure at least three monsters (speaker fades out).

You only have a limited number.

Use them sparingly (speaker fades out).

The energizers earned in Pac-Man

are what spinach is to Popeye.

Never hesitate moving the Pac-Man.

Hesitation can be more harmful

than the monsters.

Courage is one of four ways to stop hesitation.

The other three are practice, practice, practice!

Go on, Jeff, do it, you can do it.

Just look at it.

- Eugene, I know you're tryin',

but I can't-- - Jeff, Jeff.

- I don't think I can do it.

Eugene-- - This is the grandfather

of all Pac-Man games.

This is where it all started.

No, you've gotta do it.

You don't have much time.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- What happened?

- Nothing. - Where was I?

- Okay, it's time to go to the joystick.

- Oh no, Eugene, I don't think I can do it.

- Come on, Bailey, get up there and do it.

Come on, it's got a maze, it'll be fun.

No, man.

It's the same thing as a maze.

Go, man.

That's it, up, now dodge, faster, faster.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Perfect, go!

It's just like Super-Pac

except she's a striptease artist.

Go!

- Okay, Eugene, it's comin' back.

Yeah, okay.

I feel it. - Go, fast, dodge, dodge!

Dodge, dodge! - Yeah.

(dramatic instrumental music)

The mo's workin', Eugene.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah.

Okay, Eugene.

- Got it? - Let's go!

(shouting) (dramatic instrumental music)

Yeah, we got it!

Go, go! (dramatic instrumental music)

(crowd chattering)

Yeah. - Yeah!

- Okay, Eugene.

All right, Eugene, I got the momentum.

- The big mo. - The big mo is workin'.

All right, all right, all right.

Vidiot,

I am ready.

- You had better be.

- Okay, if everyone will, like, just bag the noise, okay?

Like we can do this.

Okay, players on their marks,

get set,

start game!

(blooping)

- [Man] Come on, come on, Jeff.

- [Woman] Let's go.

Come on, come on.

- Get that power pellet. - Come on.

- [King Vid] Ain't nothin' gonna save you now, Bailey.

- [Eugene] Come on, Jeff, concentrate.

Big mo, big mo.

- [Jeff] Come on, help me, please.

Come on.

On no, no.

Oh no, this can't be happening.

This can't be happening. - Jeff!

- God, what am I doing?

What am I doing?

(blooping)

Find Dorfus.

(crunching)

- [Max] Oh God, Uncle Joe,

Uncle Joe's gonna freak.

Oh God.

- Max, you know,

I smell somethin' fishy.

This shithead's not goin' anywhere.

Why don't you and me go down to the arcade

and see if everything's all right with Uncle Joe?

We'll be right back.

Oh yeah.

- [Man On TV] Put it all on the table.

(comedic instrumental music)

And, uh, why is he, why is he comin' after me like that?

(grunting)

He's a big guy.

(muffled shouting)

Al, what are you doin'?

(Dorfus farts wetly)

- Oh.

(comedic instrumental music)

(Dorfus farts explosively)

(Dorfus farts wetly)

(shouts)

My prayers have been answered.

Oh!

Oh God!

Oh, take me!

Take all of me!

- [Woman] Move it, move it.

- Man, this is cake.

- No.

- Jeff, I can't find him anywhere,

but don't worry,

just remember the big mo.

(beeping)

- [Jeff] Help.

Help.

- Come on.

Come on.

(laughing)

Donuts, donuts!

Gimme 'em!

Ain't nothin' gonna help you now, Jefferson.

- That's all right.

Forget about the past.

Just concentrate now.

Do it now.

♫ We can get a video high

♫ Just keep those quarters comin'

♫ We'll play till the day we die

♫ 'Cause we are

♫ Video video video

Jeff, the mayor!

- Oh shit.

Okay, Eugene,

you're the new assistant manager.

I want you to go talk to him, PR him,

schmooze him.

- Okay. - Do it.

♫ Video vidiots

(beeping)

♫ Video video video

- Mayor Neville, hi.

I'm Eugene Groebe.

Uh, the assistant manager here at the establishment.

- I see.

- Yeah, can I help you?

- Uh, no, no, thank you, Eugene.

I just thought I'd come down here

and have a cordial look around for myself.

- Yes, well, then as a way of making you feel welcome,

can I present you with some complimentary tokens

so you can play the games?

- Oh, these games, me play these games?

No, no, no, no, no.

I, I don't think so, Eugene.

- Oh come on, give it a try.

You're only young once.

Uh, there, play Gorf.

It's easy.

Here's your token.

- [Mayor] Uh, what's that for?

- [Eugene] Well we use those instead of quarters.

Put it in the slot right there.

- Uh huh.

Now what do I do?

- Oh, press start.

- Press start.

- [Eugene] And try and not get blasted by these ships.

- Mm hmm.

What, what happened?

- You got blasted by the ships.

- Oh, I did, did I?

Well they can't do that to me.

We'll just see about that.

Let me try again.

What do I do, what do I do?

- Hold on to the joystick there

and, that's it, and then just dodge.

Yeah, yeah.

Now with your index finger, you can shoot.

And there ya go.

All right.

(Mayor chuckles)

♫ Video video video

- [Man] Come on!

Come on, Jeff, go, go! - Oh please help me.

Come on, you can do it.

- What's the matter, Bailey? (laughs)

Come on.

Wait a minute.

(Vid laughs)

- If, if you'll untie me,

we can prepare for a marathon experience

unlike anything you've had before.

- Oh, this is unlike anything I've had before.

- Yes, yes, but,

but what I'm talking about

is your wildest fantasies come to life.

(Vivian moans)

We'll meet again tonight.

- Oh! - And I will have other

young, strong bodies with me.

- Oh!

- Yes, and even, even some,

I know you're not gonna believe this,

better than I.

- Better than you?

- Yes.

Yes, there,

there are some out there.

Few, few, but they're there,

and they'll be with me tonight.

(Vivian moans)

♫ Video video video vidiots

♫ Video video video video

♫ Video vidiots

(blooping)

(chuckling)

- Arnie, look at that.

♫ Some day there won't be

♫ Policemen anymore

(blooping and beeping)

- Turn out the lights.

Party's over.

You 'bout ready to call it quits there, Bailey boy?

- It's not over yet, Rutter.

- [Eugene] Come on, Jeff, concentrate.

(blooping)

- Hey, down to your last man.

It looks like liquidation time to me.

- [King Vid] Yeah, give that boy a barf bag. (laughs)

Oh, the clovers, the clovers!

Oh, 1600!

♫ Video video video vidiots

- Hey, uh, why don't ya face up to it, pal?

You're a loser. - Come on, Jeff,

come on! - You can do it,

you can do it!

Come on, confidence is the key!

- Hey, King Vidiot,

might as well put it to bed, huh?

You done whupped him royally.

Royally. (laughs)

- Nice, good game, Bailey. - Vidiot's quittin',

he's stopped playin'.

- [King Vid] Ah, it'll all be over in a second anyway.

(blooping and beeping)

♫ Video video video video

(Dorfus farts explosively)

- Your wife has a lovely bathroom.

- What?

- All right. - All right, Dorfus.

- No, no, wait, Dorfus,

before you take over,

there's something you should know.

The reason Jeff doesn't play games.

- Oh, you mean about Sandy? - Yeah.

- So what?

- Well, it's just that I thought you were his friend,

that's all.

- Come on, you guys, we can discuss this later.

Now, Dorfus, help, help.

- I am Jeff's friend,

but don't you want me to save the arcade?

- Of course I do, but I just think

it's more important that we make Jeff face

his problems.

If you take over now,

he may be scarred for life.

Dorfus, he's got to do it himself.

- Eugene, not now, please.

(blooping)

- Jeff, Eugene's right.

You, you, you, you gotta face up to this.

You gotta quit hidin' from this.

I know you can do it, man.

Go for it, come on.

- Go for it, Jeff. - Go for it, Jeff!

- All right! - Go!

♫ Keen eyes

♫ Quick hands

♫ Energize

♫ My soul again

♫ Gonna see

♫ My name in lights

♫ Playing with my joystick

♫ Wiggle left

♫ Jerk it right

♫ Zappin' everything in sight

♫ Shoot fast

♫ Shoot straight

♫ Video to the max

♫ One down

♫ Two to go

♫ Can't stop

(shouting)

- No, there's no way he's gonna catch up.

No way, no way!

One, one mistake and he's dead.

- Why'd you cut off your last minute for?

You never do that till you've definitely won!

- You told me to! - I did not,

it's your fault!

You're supposed to be the expert!

- No, wait. - Oh God!

- No, wait!

Does that mean I don't get my own video game?

Oh no!

No!

- This is a violation, it's wrong,

he, he's cheating!

(laughing)

♫ One down

You two. - Hi, Uncle Joe,

how's it hangin'? - Everything's under control,

Uncle Joesph, don't worry.

- Neville?

Neville, you gonna allow this video madness to go on?

- Oh, I've run out of tokens!

Uh, Rutter, give me a token.

- Never, this place is a health menace.

I've got photographic proof

of violent health ordinance violations.

- Oh blow it out your ass, Rutter!

This is a great place, really a great place.

Listen, are you gonna get me a token or aren't ya?

(shouting)

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I need another quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ Please let me have a quarter

♫ Video

♫ Joystick

♫ I've got to have a quarter

♫ Totally awesome video games

(cheering) - Yeah!

Yeah!

(shouting and cheering)

- [Man] Yeah, we did it!

(shouting and cheering)

- This all your fault.

It's y'all's fault, not mine.

- [Patsy] My God!

I can't believe this! - Miss Rutter,

do you have a token?

Oh, bless you, my dear.

- Is this my daddy, Mr. Rutter,

chief video arcade destroyer

of the city spazzing out like a gel-brain motz-a-ron-day?

- [Max] Does this mean we don't get the video machines

for the den?

- Why can't my daddy be like everybody else's

and stay home and BBQ?

- Nuts!

I have not yet begun to fight!

- [Arnie] I think Uncle Joseph's mad!

(cheering and shouting)

- All right, all right.

Everybody, all the tokens are on the house.

Eugene, get 'em all free tokens!

(shouting and cheering)

- Jeff.

- Grandpa George!

- Jeff. - You're back.

Oh, Grandpa, you missed it.

I was able to play again.

It was so great. - Oh, that's wonderful, Jeff.

That's wonderful.

And I've got more wonderful news for ya.

I've been lookin' for a friend of yours,

and I found her.

- Sandy.

- Oh, young people should be together, don't you think?

- Oh, yes, sir, I, ooh. (chuckles)

Hi.

- Dorfus, you tell your young friend here

that this here lass belongs to me.

- (chuckles) But, Grandpa George, you see,

Eugene's got a, a special kind of problem.

- Oh, hell, that's obvious.

Somebody gotta get this boy laid!

(energetic rock music)

- Oh, this is the way.

Okay, Eugene, you're on your own.

- Aren't you guys gonna come in with me?

- No, it's best if you experience it yourself.

It'll have more meaning for ya that way, Eugene.

(Dorfus chuckles)

Go get 'em.

- Psych up.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

- Hi.

(whip snaps)

- Hello there, big boy.

- Mrs. Rutter.

Um, I'm Eugene Groebe.

And, um, I'd like you to meet Simba.

(zipper buzzes)

- [Dorfus] What do you wanna do?

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Hey, girl

♫ It's your last chance

♫ You can't keep

♫ Comin' around, comin' around

♫ Lovin' me while you're makin' the rounds

♫ The situation's way outta hand

♫ I want you more than a one-night stand

♫ This time, girl

♫ You gotta think twice

♫ One chance, girl

♫ To make it all right

♫ I'll give you one chance

♫ But it's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Hey, girl

♫ It's your last chance

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ It's your last chance for love

♫ Last chance for your love

♫ It's your last chance for love

(MultiCom Jingle)