All language subtitles for It Started With A Kiss.1959.1080p-eng

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AH, GIVE ME A BLUE
FILLER ON NUMBER ONE.

GOOD.

AND LET'S TRY A MAGENTA ON
NUMBER TWO.

YOU'VE MISSED THESE LIGHTS AT
EVERY PERFORMANCE.

NOW, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN AND SEE
IF WE CAN GET IT RIGHT.

IT COMES ON THE FOURTH BEAT.

READY, HARRY, PICK UP.

OKAY, BOYS, THAT'S BETTER.

HEY, PUTNAM, STOP EATING.

OKAY, GIRLS, TWELVE O'CLOCK
CURTAIN.

I WANT YOU BACK HERE
AT 10:45 ON THE DOT.

- 10:45?
- ON THE DOT.

HMM, BIG DEAL.

I'M GOING TO BE LATE, BELVAH.

MAGGIE, YOU SHOULDN'T MIX IT UP
WITH THAT LOOMIS JOKER,

YOU KNOW, HE CAN MAKE TROUBLE.

HUH, I HATE BOSSY PEOPLE.

WELL, YOU DON'T HATE $125 A
WEEK, DO YA,

YOU'RE NOT THAT WACKY.

WELL, I MUST BE.

I WAS MAKING $140 A WEEK
AT THE LAME CANARY.

I BLEW THAT JOB
IN ONE HOUR FLAT.

THAT STAGE MANAGER, HE'S RIGHT
OUT OF MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY.

DOMINEERING BULLY.

WELL, THERE'S NO SENSE
FIGHTING HIM.

GIVE A LITTLE, GET A LITTLE,
THAT'S MY THEORY.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO EAT DINNER?

OH, I'M SKIPPING IT.

TONIGHT I'M
A VOLUNTEER CHARITY WORKER

AT THE FRESH AIR FUND BALL.

CHARITY...
WHAT'S THE ANGLE?

HM, THE GUEST LIST INCLUDES
EVERY MILLIONAIRE

IN NEW YORK CITY
WITH A CONSCIENCE.

AND THAT'S THE BEST KIND
OF MILLIONAIRE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOLD YOU,
I'M GOING TO THE BALL.

IN THAT DRESS?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

JANEY GOT FIRED FOR DOING THAT.

YEAH, WELL, JANEY GOT CAUGHT.

SUPPOSE OL' LOOMIS CATCHES YOU?

WELL, LET'S SUPPOSE
SOMETHING NICER.

LET'S SUPPOSE I'M AT THE BALL IN
MY BEAUTIFUL GOWN,

MR. LOOMIS' BEAUTIFUL GOWN,

AND ALONG COMES A DISTINGUISHED,
HANDSOME SOCIETY GENTLEMAN

AND HE SEES ME
AND HE STOPS, LOOKS,

OH, AND THE BLOOD POUNDS
TO HIS TEMPLES.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, HUH?

OH, I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WELL, IT MIGHT SOUND CORNY,
BUT HONESTLY,

MONEY DOES NOT BUY HAPPINESS.

HUH, WELL, IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS
OF JOEY LEWIS,

YOU JUST GIVE ME THE MONEY,
BABY, I'LL DO MY OWN SHOPPING.

- WISH ME LUCK.
- YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.

SEE YOU LATER.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE
UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

OH, NOW BE FAIR, MILDRED.

DID I EVER STEER YOU WRONG ON A
BLIND DATE YET?

NO.

NO, I DON'T REMEMBER ANY FAT ONE
THAT CHEWED TOBACCO.

SOMEBODY ELSE MUST HAVE GOTTEN
YOU THAT ONE.

SHE'S WORTH THE TROUBLE, HONEST,
SHE'S WORTH IT.

BECAUSE HE JUST FLEW IN FROM TWO
YEARS IN ICELAND.

YOU BETTER GET IN
ON THE GROUND FLOOR, KID

BECAUSE IN THREE DAYS THIS GUY
IS GOING TO HAVE A STABLE.

BALD... NO.

I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT SIX FEET.

WELL, THEY'RE GREEN.

LOOK, MILDRED, IF YOU'RE GOING
TO BEAT AROUND...

SHE SAYS OKAY, BUT IF YOU'RE A
JERK SHE'S GOT TO BE IN BY 10.

TELL HER THANKS JUST THE SAME.

WOW.

- DO YOU KNOW HER?
- NOT YET.

WOW, THAT'S CLASS.

UH, SEE YOU AT THE BASE, BUDDY.

YOU'RE A NEAT NEGOTIATOR,
MILDRED.

YOU JUST BLEW THE DATE.

HOW MUCH?

HUNDRED DOLLARS, SERGEANT.

AH, I SEE.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, MRS. CHALMERS,
I'M MAGGIE PUTNAM.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE,
I WAS DETAINED.

OH NEVER MIND THAT, DEAR.

I'M JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I HAVE A BOOTH DOWN HERE
WITH NO ONE IN IT.

OH GOOD.

OH, WELL.

ISN'T THAT A LOVELY THING?

CONTRIBUTED BY MR. JAMES DULAC
OF NEWPORT.

YOU MEAN, HE...HE GAVE IT AWAY?

FOR THE CAUSE OF CHARITY.

THEY SAY THIS IS THE MOST
EXPENSIVE CAR EVER BUILT.

ER, EXPERIMENTAL MODEL,
OF COURSE.

OH, WELL, IS MR. DULAC
GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT?

MR. AND MRS. DULAC BOTH.

OH, HE'S MARRIED.

YES, DEAR.

- NOW THEN, IN YOU GO.
- ALL RIGHT.

AND HERE'S YOUR CHANGE BOX
AND YOUR TICKET BOOKS.

OH, BY THE WAY, BE SURE EACH
NAME AND ADDRESS

IS ON THE TICKET STUB.

THE WINNER WILL BE
ANNOUNCED SATURDAY.

- GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU.

HEY, SOLDIER, GET DOWN.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

IN THE NAME OF SWEET CHARITY,
I EARNESTLY HOPE YOU WIN,

BOTH OF YOU.

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING,
SUCH A PLEASANT...

HOW MANY?

WELL, I'LL TAKE ONE.

SPLENDID, FILL OUT THE STUB.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, IF I STICK AROUND,

HOW ABOUT HAVING A DRINK
WITH ME LATER, HUH?

NO, THANK YOU.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SOLDIERS.

SAILORS?

NOPE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO BE

TO HAVE YOU INTERESTED IN ME?

SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.

TEN DOLLARS, PLEASE.

FOR ONE TICKET?

THEY COME BY THE BOOK.

WELL, I KNOW THEY DO,
BUT YOU CAN TEAR THEM OUT

REAL SIMPLE, SEE?

ALL RIGHT, MAY I HAVE A DOLLAR,
PLEASE?

IT IS A CHARITY AFFAIR,
ISN'T IT?

OBVIOUSLY.

ALL RIGHT, THEN OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN MONEY,

SO HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST
FOR ONE HOUR OF YOUR TIME?

A MILLION DOLLARS.

I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS CASH.

DON'T BOTHER, I'M BUSY.

HOW ABOUT SIX?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT EVEN
FAINTLY AMUSING.

NOW, PLEASE GO AWAY.

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT EVENING
FOR ME, PLEASE.

- OH, GOOD EVENING, SIR.
- GOOD EVENING.

DO YOU WISH TO PURCHASE
SOME CHANCES

ON THAT UTTERLY DELECTABLE
AUTOMOBILE?

WHY, YES, I DO.

OH, THAT'S CHARMING.

NAME AND ADDRESS
ON THIS STUB, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

AND I SINCERELY HOPE YOU WIN.

OH, IT WOULD MAKE
A DELIGHTFUL POSSESSION.

AND I RATHER THINK
IT SUITS YOUR PERSONALITY.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- UH-HUH.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

UM, IT'S SO ENCOURAGING THE WAY
YOU WEALTHY MEN

TURN OUT FOR
THESE CHARITY EVENTS.

I MEAN, IT GIVES ONE FAITH IN
OUR CULTURE, AS IT WERE.

ALVIN ASHLEY, NOW, THAT NAME
SEEMS FAMILIAR.

OH, I, UH, MAKE
THE PAPERS NOW AND THEN.

OH.

YOU'RE A VERY PRETTY GIRL.

WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND.

SUTTON PLACE, OH, THAT'S
A CHARMING NEIGHBORHOOD.

OH, AND THE VIEW OF THE RIVER,
IT'S SO SERENE AND PEACEFUL.

OH, MAN.

WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE,
PEST?

I...I BEG YOUR PARDON?

OH, UM, I WAS JUST SAYING THAT
THE AIR FROM THE RIVER

IS THE BEST.

IT'S SO CLEAN AND INVIGORATING.

WELL, UH, PERHAPS
YOU'D COME OVER AND

HELP ME ENJOY IT LATER TONIGHT?

WELL, THAT WOULD
HARDLY BE PROPER.

OH, I KNOW, BUT THERE'S NO FUN
IN BEING PROPER.

IT'S VERY DULL.

OH, YES, THAT'S TRUE,

BUT A GIRL MUST THINK OF
APPEARANCES, MR. ASHLEY.

ALVIN.

OH, I'M MAGGIE.

MAGGIE, I HAVE A FEELING
THAT YOU AND I...

ALVIN, I HAVE A FEELING

THAT YOU'RE HEADING FOR ALL
KINDS OF TROUBLE.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

- LISTEN, WOULD YOU...
- EXCUSE ME.

LET ME TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE, WILL YA?

WILL YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?

JUST A MOMENT.

MR. ASHLEY, HE'S A KOOK.

WHAT DID YOU...
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?

NEVER MIND, YOU'RE GOING
TO THANK ME FOR

THIS IN YEARS TO COME.

WELL, FIRST, I'M GOING TO HAVE
YOU THROWN OUT.

I LIKE A GIRL WITH TEMPER,
IT SHOWS HER BATTERY ISN'T DEAD.

WELL, I'LL DEAD YOU.

I'M SORRY,
LOOK, I'M VERY SORRY,

BUT AFTER ALL, A GUY
LIKE THAT ALVIN IS...

UH, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU'RE SMART,

YOU'LL BE GONE BY TIME
I GET BACK WITH A COP.

OH!

OH, THAT'S A SHAME.

OH, I'LL BE FIRED.

NOBODY WILL KNOW ABOUT IT IF YOU
STAY IN THE BOOTH

TILL THE PARTY'S OVER.

OH BE QUIET,
I DON'T MEAN THIS PLACE.

I MEAN THE GOLDEN KEY CAFE
WHERE I WORK.

WELL, WHY SHOULD THEY CARE IF
YOU TORE YOUR DRESS?

- IT'S THEIR DRESS.
- OH.

- I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- WELL, WAIT, NOT LIKE THAT

UNLESS YOU WANT HALF THE PARTY
FOLLOWING YOU OUT OF HERE.

WELL, WHAT DO I DO?

NO PROBLEM.

FORWARD MARCH.

COULD YOU GIVE THESE
TO MRS. CHALMERS, PLEASE?

- HEY.
- WHAT?

THE TAXI ENTRANCE IS DOWN THERE.

WELL, I HAVE TO CHANGE
MY DRESS FIRST.

- YOU MEAN RIGHT HERE?
- NO, THERE.

YOU'RE LEAVING AWFUL EARLY
AREN'T YOU, SERGEANT?

YEAH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
GIRLFRIEND'S DRESS?

I TORE IT.

OOH, I LIKE A MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT
HE WANTS.

YOU DO, HUH?

ALL RIGHT THEN, TELL ME
SOMETHING.

I'D LOVE TO.

UH, SUPPOSING YOU WERE GOING TO
A PARTY,

YOU KNOW, ONE LIKE THIS ONE
HERE, FOR EXAMPLE.

NOW, CAN YOU TELL ME ANY REASON

WHY A GIRL WOULD BRING ALONG
WITH HER TWO DRESSES?

MAN, THAT'S A NEW ONE.

YOU GOT ME.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.

MAN, SHE'S A VERY INTERESTING
GIRL.

- UH, HERE I AM.
- SO YOU ARE.

FOR A MINUTE, I WAS AFRAID I
MIGHT HAVE LOST YOU.

CAB, PLEASE.

SO, HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GOING
SOME PLACE

WHERE WE CAN HAVE SOME PRIVACY,
HM?

TELL ME SOMETHING,

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO CONVINCE
YOU YOU'RE NOT WANTED?

A GUN?

HEY, NOW, JUST A MINUTE.

YOU GET YOURSELF ALL FIXED UP.

YOU BORROW A PRETTY DRESS.

AND WHAT FOR?

TO ATTRACT A MAN, RIGHT?

AND, OKAY, SO YOU ATTRACTED ONE.

I'M SORRY IF I'M NOT WHAT YOU
WANTED.

I'M SORRY I'M NOT THE KING OF
EUROPE.

NOW, YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TO
BEEF ABOUT.

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

HERE, I'LL PAY FOR THE DAMAGE
TO YOUR DRESS.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOLDEN KEY CAFE, PLEASE.

OKAY, CINDERELLA,
YOU GET ONE MORE CHANCE.

CAB!

AND ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS GET
OUT OF HERE.

IT'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

NO, YOU CAN'T GO TO THE GIRLS'
DRESSING ROOM,

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

I'VE GOT A DELIVERY TO MAKE.

IF YOU'VE GOT A DELIVERY TO
MAKE, LEAVE IT WITH ME.

HI, SOLDIER, HOW'S YOUR WILD
BLUE YONDER?

WOULD YOU MIND ASKING THIS MAN
IF...

I'VE GOT THE NUMBER TO MILITARY
POLICE RIGHT BY MY PHONE.

NOW, DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL 'EM?

- JUST FORGET IT.
- TOUGH LUCK, MAN.

YEAH.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I COULD
HAVE LOST IT.

NOTHING HERE MATCHES.

WELL, I CAN'T FIX IT WITHOUT THE
MATERIAL.

OH, COULDN'T YOU JUST PUT THE
SIDES TOGETHER LIKE A SHEET?

MR. LOOMIS WOULDN'T NOTICE,
WOULD HE, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, NO?

ALL RIGHT, NO, HE WOULDN'T
NOTICE.

NOT A CHANCE.

IT'S HIM,
HE'S GOT IT.

OH, THANK HEAVENS.

- I'VE DECIDED TO FORGIVE YOU.
- FORGIVE ME?

NOW, LISTEN, FELLA, I DIDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT...

WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, WAIT, WAIT, PLEASE.

ANY DISCUSSION WE HAVE WILL HAVE
TO TAKE PLACE AFTER THE SHOW.

NO IT WON'T, NOW, WILL YOU GIVE
IT TO ME PLEASE?

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE
ME LATER ON?

NOW, JUST HAND IT OVER, PLEASE.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU PROMISE ME A
DATE AND THEN BREAK IT.

THAT'S THE EASY WAY OUT.

'CAUSE I DON'T BREAK PROMISES.

THAT IS THE FIRST DECENT THING
YOU'VE SAID TO ME.

- HERE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

NOW, YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- PUT IT ON MY BACK.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT,
WHAT ABOUT OUR DATE?

- OH, YOU'RE A BORE.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I'M A BORE.

MAYBE I'LL FIND OUT YOU'RE A
BORE.

WE'VE GOT TO GIVE IT A CHANCE,
DON'T WE?

COME ON, HUH?

AW, ONE DATE.

ONE DATE...
OKAY, TONIGHT?

TOMORROW.

ALL RIGHT,
WHERE WILL I PICK YOU UP?

I'LL MEET YOU.

ALL RIGHT, THE RAT TRAP, THIRD
AND TENTH.

RAT TRAP, OH, ALL RIGHT, SEVEN
O'CLOCK.

SIX O'CLOCK.

ALL RIGHT, SIX O'CLOCK.

RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A DATE...
DON'T BE ALARMED, LADIES,

I'M GIVING THIS BUILDING THE
FULL APPROVAL

OF THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

THAT'S YOUR SAFETY SEAL.

GOOD NIGHT ALL.

OH BROTHER.

ROOM FOR ONE MORE, HONEY?

YES, WHY... WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE WHOLE PLACE, HUH?

UH, EXCUSE ME,
GOODBYE, BOYS.

OH, I'VE BEEN WAITING
45 MINUTES FOR YOU.

I OUGHT TO HAVE MY HEAD
EXAMINED.

SORRY, I COULDN'T HELP IT.

CAN I HAVE A COUPLE
OF MARTINIS, PLEASE?

IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

HERE'S A PLACE OVER HERE.

WILL YOU SEND THEM TO THE BOOTH?

THANKS.

I'M SURPRISED YOU WAITED FOR ME.

YEAH, ME TOO,
JUST PLAIN VANITY.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE I'D BEEN
STOOD UP.

YEAH, WE GOT OUR ORDERS.

WE'RE SHIPPING OUT.

WHY, HAS THE WAR STARTED?

OH NO, IT'S A NEW TOUR OF DUTY.

WE'RE GOING TO SPAIN.

WHEN DO YOU HAVE TO GO,
DO WE HAVE TIME TO EAT?

OH YEAH, WELL, WE'VE GOT
48 HOURS

OH, THAT'S PLENTY
OF TIME TO EAT.

DO WE HAVE TO EAT HERE?

WHY, THE FOOD IS FINE.

OF COURSE, IT ISN'T ANYTHING
LIKE SUTTON PLACE.

SAY, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ALVIN?

I TOLD HIM YOU HAD A HUSBAND.

I HAD A...OH, YOU ARE A
CHARACTER.

HE SCARED AWFUL EASY.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, BY THE WAY, I ASSUME YOU'RE
A BACHELOR?

DEVOUT.

HM, WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

WELL, LET'S SEE.

I THINK IT'S JUST BECAUSE

I KEEP FALLING IN LOVE WITH
GIRLS THAT I DON'T LIKE.

WELL, WE FINALLY AGREE ON
SOMETHING.

RIGHT.

FALLING IN LOVE IS NO REASON TO
GET MARRIED, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

WHAT?

AGAIN, WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID?

OH, YOU AGREE WITH ME.

YOU JUST THINK IT SOUNDS BAD TO
ADMIT IT.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'VE LOST ME
ALONG HERE SOME PLACE.

THANKS, ADMIT WHAT?

WELL, THAT...THAT THINGS ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN PEOPLE.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

I WOULDN'T GO ALONG WITH THAT,
MM-MM.

OH, OH, BUT IT'S TRUE.

YOU SEE, YOU CAN TRUST THINGS,
WHATEVER THEY ARE,

FURS, CLOTHES, JEWELRY,
GROCERIES, HOUSES,

WHATEVER THEY ARE,
THEY DON'T CHANGE.

SEE, THEY DON'T WAKE UP IN THE
MORNING AND SAY,

OH, YESTERDAY I WAS A SHOE, BUT
TODAY I'M GOING TO BE A BICYCLE,

- LIKE PEOPLE DO.
- OH, I SEE.

WELL, IF I WAS A SHOE, WHY
SHOULDN'T I WANT

TO BE A BICYCLE?

BECAUSE MAYBE TOMORROW YOU WANT
TO BE AN ELEVATOR.

UH-HUH.

MAN, THIS IS THE CRAZIEST
CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING.

NO, NOW, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE
NOT A GIRL.

YOU SEE, IF YOU WERE A GIRL,

YOU'D BE LOOKING FOR A BEAUTIFUL
SET OF THINGS TO MARRY.

AND YOU REALLY WOULDN'T CARE
WHAT KIND OF A MAN

WENT WITH THEM.

YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,

WEREN'T YOU ABLE TO FIND A RICH
MAN TO LATCH ONTO, HUH?

OH-OH, YES, I DID ONCE.

HOBARD VITE.

YEAH, HE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH, UH,
ENOUGH THINGS.

YES, YES HE DID.

HE WAS A MILLIONAIRE,
HE STILL IS.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

YEAH, HE DID, HE DID.

I WANTED TO MARRY HIM TOO,

IT'S JUST...IT WAS JUST...
WELL,

JUST WHAT, WHAT?

IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FAIR TO
HOBARD.

THERE, YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT?

YOUR ARGUMENT'S JUST GONE RIGHT
OUT THE WINDOW.

NOW, THAT ISN'T TRUE.

YOU WEREN'T IN LOVE.

YOU WEREN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM,
THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

- YES, IT IS.
- NO, IT ISN'T TRUE.

I MEAN, IT WAS JUST SOMETHING
THAT JUST HAPPENED AND IT WASN'T

WELL, IT WAS JUST...

YOU SEE, YOU REALLY WANT TO
KNOW?

WELL, I COULDN'T MARRY HIM

BECAUSE HOBARD USED TO MAKE SORT
OF A HONKING SOUND

WHEN HE ATE.

REALLY, IT WAS JUST...

YOU NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE
THIS UNTIL YOU HEAR IT.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING.

YEAH, WHAT IS IT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
NOW, JUST RELAX, HOLD STILL.

WHAT ARE YOU...

THIS IS NOTHING BUT RESEARCH.

NOTHING BUT PURE RESEARCH.

MAN, I SURE FOUND OUT.

WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY NOT GOING
TO BE A BORE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE...YOU'LL
PROBABLY TURN OUT TO BE

CHARMING AND INTERESTING
AND ALL KINDS OF FUN

AND I'LL PROBABLY FALL FOR YOU.

DARN IT!
IT'S JUST MY LOUSY LUCK.

UH, IT'S MORNING ALREADY?

I'VE GOT 45 MINUTES TO GET
DRESSED

AND CHECK IN AT THE AIRPORT.

- OH, JOE.
- HM?

OH, OH, JOE.

DO YOU MEAN I'M REALLY NOT GOING
TO SEE YOU FOR THIRTY DAYS?

MM-HMM.

I'M GOING TO MISS YOU EVERY
MINUTE OF IT, BABY,

EVERY MINUTE.

WHAT KIND OR AN ARMY DO YOU
BELONG TO

THAT KEEPS A WIFE AWAY FROM HER
HUSBAND THAT LONG?

REGULATIONS.

NOW, LISTEN, WHEN YOU GET READY
TO LEAVE FOR SPAIN...

- MM-HMM.
- YOU CALL THE BASE.

YOU CALL EXTENSION 457 AND YOU
TALK TO THEM.

CAN YOU REMEMBER 457?

THEY'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

THEY'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO AND
THEY'LL HELP YOU ABOUT...

YOU KNOW, SHOW YOU HOW TO GET
THE ALLOTMENT AND EVERYTHING.

MM-HMM.

AND YOU SHIP THE CAR JUST AS
QUICK AS YOU CAN, HUH, MAGGIE?

AIR FORCE WILL PAY FOR THAT.

AND DON'T CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS
UNLESS YOU NOTIFY THEM

BECAUSE I'VE HAD ALL MY MAIL
FORWARDED TO YOUR PLACE.

OH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH
THE LETTERS?

OH, JUST READ 'EM.

SEND ANYTHING INTERESTING ON TO
ME, THOUGH.

AND WHAT IF THERE ARE ANY FROM
GIRLS, HM?

BURN 'EM.

JOE?

MAGGIE.

OH, COULDN'T YOU DESERT OR
RESIGN OR

DO SOMETHING MANLY ABOUT IT,
HMM?

YES?

PARDON ME, DOES MR. JOE
FITZPATRICK LIVE HERE?

YES, HE DOES, BUT HE ISN'T HERE.

OH, COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE I
CAN CONTACT HIM?

WELL, YOU CAN'T.

HE LEFT THE COUNTRY THIS
MORNING.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I WANTED TO GIVE HIM THE PRIZE
HE WON.

- PRIZE?
- MM-HMM.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

WON'T YOU COME IN?
I'M MRS. FITZPATRICK.

OH, WELL, FINE. THEN I CAN
DELIVER THE PRIZE TO YOU.

YES.

IF YOU'LL LET ME
HAVE A DOLLAR, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, JUST A MINUTE, IF THIS IS
FOR A YEAR'S FREE TRIAL

OF AN AUTOMATIC SHOE POLISHER,
I DON'T WANT IT.

COME HERE.

DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A SHOE
POLISHER?

THE DOLLAR IS FOR THE TRANSFER
FEE.

HE WON IT!

HE WON IT!

OH!

OH, IT'S OURS,
IT'S OURS!

OH, IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAR
IN THE WORLD.

OH, IT'S REALLY MINE.

OH, YOU LOVELY CREATURE.

OH, IT'S MAGIC.

OH, OH, I WAS MEANT FOR
BEAUTIFUL THINGS.

I REALLY WAS.

GENERAL ORDER 175,
EFFECTIVE 5/21,

ALL MILITARY PERSONNEL WILL WEAR
CIVILIAN CLOTHES WHEN OFF DUTY.

GENERAL ORDER 176,
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

THE SALE OF POST EXCHANGE
MERCHANDISE

IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN.

THIS ORDER APPLIES EQUALLY TO
ANY MERCHANDISE IMPORTED

FROM THE UNITED STATES.

PROFITEERING IN SUCH MERCHANDISE
IS AN OFFENSE THAT WILL RECEIVE

THE STERNEST DISCIPLINE.

BY ORDER OF THE COMMANDING
GENERAL.

IT'S MY DUTY TO REMIND YOU

WE'RE HERE AS FRIENDS OF THE
SPANISH GOVERNMENT.

WE MUST REMAIN
WELCOME, FRIENDS.

WE MUST LEARN LOCAL CUSTOMS AND
OBSERVE THEM SCRUPULOUSLY.

IN PARTICULAR, AVOID A VULGAR
DISPLAY OF WEALTH.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT WEALTHY.

DON'T BEHAVE LIKE SO-CALLED RICH
AMERICANS.

BE GUIDED ACCORDINGLY.

ATTENTION.

DISMISSED.

YOU KNOW, EATING LUNCH IN THE
FLEA MARKET

IS LIKE EATING IN THE SUBWAY.

BUT JOSE SAYS IT'S THE BEST FOOD
IN MADRID.

HEY, CHARLIE, YOU'RE
A MARRIED MAN.

WELL, DON'T RUB IT IN.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?

"OH, JOE, I HAVE THE MOST
WONDERFUL SURPRISE FOR YOU.

"IT'S TOO GOOD
TO PUT IN A LETTER,

"SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL I GET THERE.

"IT'S THE SORT OF THING YOU
ALWAYS KNEW MIGHT HAPPEN,

"BUT WHEN IT DOES,
YOU JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT."

UH-OH.

WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S MORE.

"I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANY MORE
NOW, BUT HONESTLY, JOE,

"IT'S THE MOST
WONDERFUL SURPRISE

THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO TWO PEOPLE."

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE A BABY.

THAT'S MY CONCLUSION.

THE MOST WONDERFUL THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO TWO PEOPLE.

OUTSIDE OF AN INCOME TAX REFUND,
I DON'T KNOW

WHAT ELSE IT COULD BE.

HEY, SOURBALL, DON'T YOU WANT TO
HAVE A BABY?

OH YES, I WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

I'M JUST A LITTLE MIXED UP ABOUT
SOMETHING, THAT'S ALL.

UM, A BRANDY?

MAKE IT A DOUBLE.

THAT'S WHAT I'D MEAN
IF I WROTE IT.

EXCUSE ME, JOE.

HIYA, DADDY.

THIS IS MY
FIRST MARRIAGE, SALLY.

- OH SURE, I KNOW.
- WELL, THEN YOU UNDERSTAND.

WELL, IT'S CLEAR SO FAR.

NO, NO, THANKS.

NOW, I'VE BEEN AROUND QUITE A
LOT, SALLY, AFTER ALL,

BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS

THAT ONLY A WOMAN WOULD
UNDERSTAND.

LIKE THE COST OF RUNNING A
HOUSE, THINGS LIKE THAT?

NO...YES, THAT TOO.

BUT, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE--

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY...

OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, HOW LONG
HAVE YOU KNOWN MAGGIE?

WELL, I MET HER, IT WAS ON THE
TENTH.

AND WE WERE MARRIED ON THE
ELEVENTH.

WELL, WHEN WAS THIS MAILED?

UH, THE TWELFTH.

AND WHAT WAS
YOUR QUESTION AGAIN?

WELL, ISN'T THAT
A LITTLE SOON FOR A

WOMAN TO KNOW SHE'S
GOING TO HAVE A BABY?

A LITTLE.

YOU MIGHT EVEN CALL IT SUDDEN.

OH, SHE MUST MEAN SOME OTHER
KIND OF SURPRISE.

HM, COULDN'T BE ANY BIGGER
SURPRISE THAN THAT.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT A BEER?

NO, I'M GOING BACK TO MY
APARTMENT.

THAT'S IMMATERIAL.

THERE SHOULD BE THREE CASES ON
THAT PLANE.

OH, PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU TELL ME HOW TO GO
ABOUT PHONING

THE AMERICAN AIR BASE?

WHY, YES, THERE'S A TELEPHONE IN
THAT BUILDING.

228-391.

THANK YOU,
MY HUSBAND'S IN THE AIR FORCE.

IT SEEMS HE FORGOT TO MEET ME.

YOUNG LADY.

JUST A MOMENT.

YOUR SLACKS, MA'AM.

YOU CAN'T WEAR THEM IN MADRID.

I CAN'T?
WHY NOT?

THE GENERAL DOESN'T LIKE THEM.

WELL, TELL THE GENERAL
NOT TO WEAR THEM.

MYSELF, I'LL WEAR WHAT I PLEASE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, YOUNG LADY?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, JOE!

JOE!

MAGGIE.

SORRY I WAS LATE,
I WAS HELP UP IN TRAFFIC.

SERGEANT...
SERGEANT!

YES, SIR?

- IS THIS YOUR WIFE?
- YES, SIR.

- YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
- DON'T TELL HIM.

HE'S RUDE, HE'S RUDE.

HONEY, THAT'S A MAJOR.

UH, SERGEANT
JOE FITZPATRICK, SIR.

DON'T TELL HIM,
DON'T TELL HIM.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

HAVE HER REPORT TO THE
ORIENTATION OFFICER

TOMORROW MORNING AT NINE O'CLOCK
FOR INDOCTRINATION.

I'LL DO NOTHING OF THE KIND!

YOU REPORT IN THE MORNING TO
EMILY POST

FOR LESSONS IN MANNERS.

DO YOU HAVE
THE BAGGAGE CHECKS, DARLING?

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
THE BAGGAGE CHECKS

OR WE CAN'T GET THROUGH CUSTOMS.

- SHE'LL BE THERE, SIR.
- I WILL NOT!

PLEASE, I'VE GOT TO TAKE ORDERS.

WELL, I DON'T!

HE'S RUDE!
HE'S RUDE.

TELLING ME I CAN'T WEAR SLACKS.

FORGET IT, MAGGIE.

WELL, WHAT DOES HE THINK, I'M
GOING TO TRAVEL IN A BALL GOWN?

ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT.

HEY, YOU OUGHT TO BE IN UNIFORM,
YOU'RE A LOT BRAVER THAN I AM.

JOE, I WONDER IF I'M GOING TO
LIKE IT HERE.

YOU'RE GOING TO...YOU'RE GOING
TO BE CRAZY ABOUT IT.

OH, OH, OH, THOSE TWO ON THE
FRONT, PLEASE, POR FAVOR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW, IS THIS ALL YOU GOT?

WELL, YOU TRAVEL LIGHT, HUH?

- GOOD GIRL.
- SURE, I TRAVEL LIGHT.

THAT'S EVERYTHING I OWN.

YOU KNOW, I NEED SOME NEW
CLOTHES DESPERATELY.

NOTHING FITS.

I THINK I'M GAINING WEIGHT.

YOU ARE?

MAGGIE, LISTEN, ABOUT THAT
SURPRISE YOU HAD.

COULD WE TALK ABOUT IT NOW?

OH, IT'S A GASSER.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE ABOUT
IT IN YOUR LETTERS TO ME?

'CAUSE I WANTED TO BE
WITH YOU AND WATCH YOU FLIP.

YOU SURE IT'S COMING?

OH, SURE.

I CHECKED AND
DOUBLE-CHECKED.

IT'LL ARRIVE IN DUE COURSE.

ABOUT EIGHT
OR NINE MONTHS?

OH, MUCH SOONER.

HOW MUCH SOONER?

OH, ABOUT A WEEK, TEN DAYS,
MAYBE TOMORROW.

- YOU MEAN THAT SOON?
- MM-HMM.

OH, THAT...

THAT IS JUST GREAT!

WELL, YOU DIDN'T
EVEN SEE IT YET.

IT'S NOTHING, IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S JUST GREAT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

IT'S JUST THAT I'M A LITTLE
EDGY, YOU KNOW,

WAITING FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING.

THAT'S JUST GREAT, MAGGIE.

- YEAH.
- YES.

OH THAT IS GREAT.

WHAT? I'M SORRY.

WELL, THERE'S YOUR
CASTLE IN SPAIN.

HM, LOOKS LIKE A LAUNDRY.

WELL, IT'S MONDAY.

IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY, THOUGH,

UNTIL THEY GET THE QUARTERS
FIXED UP AT THE BASE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?

ALL RIGHT, HUH?

IT'S LOVELY,
LOOKS JUST LIKE A ROOM.

THAT STOVE'S PRETTY TRICKY, I'LL
HAVE TO SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.

THE BATH'S OVER HERE.

WHAT'S THAT, A BOMB?

THAT'S JUST THE DISPOSAL.

WHAT?

YEAH, THERE'S A TIN CHUTE RUNS
UP AND DOWN

THE SIDE OF THE APARTMENT.

THAT'S HOW THE NEIGHBORS GET RID
OF THEIR TRASH.

WELL, DOES IT HAPPEN OFTEN?

ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO
GET RID OF TRASH.

OH, DON'T WORRY THOUGH,

IT NEVER HAPPENS UNTIL AFTER SIX
O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

WELL, THAT'S PLEASANT.

SAVES US GETTING
AN ALARM CLOCK, HUH?

HEY, YOU KNOW THAT'S GENUINE
FOAM RUBBER?

- ALL RIGHT, HUH?
- IT'S SURE BOUNCY.

OH, MAGGIE.

JOE.

JOE?

SHH, MAYBE THEY'LL GO AWAY.

JOE!

COME ON, OPEN UP.

WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

- COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR.
- ALL RIGHT.

WE'VE GOT THE DRINKS...

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

JOE!

I'M COMING.

WE DESIRE TO MEET THE BRIDE
AND TO EXAMINE

THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE

BECAUSE WE DON'T TRUST YOU.
I'M CHARLIE ROWAN.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WELL, IT'S NICER TO MEET YOU.

PUCKER UP, SWEETIE.

HEY, WHY IS IT SO DARK IN HERE?

THAT BELONGS TO ME,
I'M SALLY ROWAN.

HELLO, SALLY.

I WANT YOU TO MEET GEORGE, JANE,
MARION, DIANE...

WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD IT,
GEORGE, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, LISTEN FOLKS, I DON'T THINK
MY WIFE IS UP TO IT, REALLY.

SHE JUST GOT IN FROM A LONG TRIP
FROM NEW YORK.

NOW, WELL, THAT'S PRACTICALLY ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.

YEAH, WE KNOW WHERE
NEW YORK IS, JOE.

NOW, COME ON, JOE, HELP
THE BOYS FIX THE DRINKS.

COME ON AND SIT DOWN.

LISTEN, MAGGIE, MAGGIE, AREN'T
YOU EXHAUSTED?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
TIME IT IS IN NEW YORK?

YES, DEAR, IT'S
FIVE HOURS EARLIER.

OH, IT IS? I WAS FIGURING IT WAS
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

SO, NOW, LISTEN, FOLKS, WE'VE
GOT TO BRING...

DON'T TAKE YOUR COAT OFF. WE'VE
GOT TO GET THIS PARTY OVER WITH

EARLY BECAUSE MAGGIE JUST HAS TO
GET TO THE FOAM RUB

...THE BED, HERE.

NOW, JOE, I'M NOT EVEN TIRED.

COME ON, GET THE DRINKS,
DEAR, GO ON.

SAY, MAGGIE, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH WE'VE BEEN

LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING THE
GIRL THAT FINALLY

HOOKED THIS CHARACTER.

SOME DAY YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE US
THE WHOLE PLAY-BY-PLAY.

YEAH, WE'D LOVE TO KNOW.

OH, WHY BOTHER,
JUST LOOK AT HER.

WHEN EVELYN'S BOAT COMES IN, I'M
GOING TO BELT HER IN THE EYE.

COME ON, YOU'RE GOING
TO TURN MY SILLY HEAD.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU FINALLY GOT
LOVER BOY OUT OF CIRCULATION.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A RELIEF TO HAVE
THAT COMPETITION

ON THE SIDELINE.

JOE, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL, DEAR.

NO, NOT YOU, DEAR.

DO WE HAVE ANY
PAPER NAPKINS, JOE?

I'LL GET THEM IN A SECOND, DEAR.

WELL, HERE'S TO THE BRIDE.

TO THE BRIDE.

NOW, LET'S HEAR THE LOWDOWN ON
THAT BIG SURPRISE OF YOURS.

GOT A LITTLE CAKE
IN THE OVEN, HUH?

CHARLIE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AN AIRMAN IF IT'S A BOY, AND A
WAAF IF IT'S A GIRL.

- HEY, WE'LL DRINK TO THAT.
- WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO
UNDERSTAND, HONEY.

YOU KNOW, OLD CHARLIE HERE,

ALWAYS RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH,
YOU KNOW?

SEW A BUTTON ON IT, WILL YA?

WELL, IT'S NOT A SECRET ANYMORE.

DECLASSIFIED, KIDS,
DECLASSIFIED.

YOU MEAN, YOU THINK I'M...

PREGNANT.

SURE, YOU PUT IT IN YOUR LETTER,
DIDN'T YA?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO WITH MY
LETTERS,

POST THEM ON THE BULLETIN BOARD?

HONEY, THE ONLY LETTER HE SAW

WAS THE ONE WHERE YOU WROTE
ABOUT THE, UH, THE SURPRISE...

OH SURE, I ONLY SAW ONE LETTER.

THE MOST WONDERFUL SURPRISE THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO TWO PEOPLE.

WELL, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO
BE, A CURE FOR DANDRUFF?

I THINK THERE ARE A LOT OF
UNNECESSARY PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM.

COME ON ALONG, EVERYBODY, OUT.

LET'S GO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

BUBBLE LIPS.

WHAT DID I SAY?
EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT.

WE'RE ALL MARRIED PEOPLE HERE,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

THINK OF ME, I HAVE TO LIVE WITH
HIM.

ALWAYS TRYING
TO STIR UP TROUBLE.

NOW, YOU SHOULDN'T BE SORE

JUST BECAUSE I SHOWED A FRIEND A
LETTER THAT MADE ME THINK

THAT YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE
GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

THAT'S NOT BEING FAIR.

FAIR?

YOU KNEW I COULDN'T THINK I WAS
GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

IF I'D BEEN PREGNANT THE DAY
AFTER YOU LEFT ME,

THEN IT HAD TO BE SOMETHING THAT
HAPPENED BEFORE I MET YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, MAGGIE.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT,
ADMIT IT.

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE YOU COULD
HAVE THOUGHT.

THE ONLY THING
THAT I THOUGHT WAS

THAT YOU WANTED A BABY JUST AS
MUCH AS I DID.

BUT YOU WENT AHEAD AND YOU MADE
UP YOUR MIND

BEFORE THE VOTES WERE COUNTED,
THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S ALL I THOUGHT.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT NOW?

MM-HMM.

EVERYTHING ALWAYS SEEMS ALL
RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE KISSING ME.

THAT'S HOW I GOT INTO THIS IN
THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU MUST BE TIRED, HUH?

- MM-HMM.
- YEAH.

IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH DAY.

WANT ME TO HELP YOU UNPACK?

NO, I'LL MANAGE.

OH, YOU DON'T NEED TO UNPACK
EVERYTHING,

JUST WHAT YOU 'LL NEED FOR
TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, DOES THE RADIO WORK?

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S THE FASTEST CHANGE
IN THE HISTORY OF CLOTHES.

COME ON, HURRY UP. IT'LL BE
MORNING BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

DON'T FORGET YOU'VE GOT A NINE
O'CLOCK APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.

TO DO WHAT?

TO REPORT TO THE INDOCTRINATION
OFFICER.

HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE YOU
GO TO CLASSES

FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

NOW, LET'S GET ONE THING
SETTLED.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE ORDERED
AROUND BY ANY SUB-NORMAL,

SELF-IMPORTANT ARMY OFFICIAL.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

YOU'RE NOT A CIVILIAN
ANYMORE, MAGGIE.

YOU'VE GOT TO
TAKE ORDERS OR ELSE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE OR ELSE.

AW, COME ON NOW, DON'T FIGHT THE
AIR FORCE, HONEY.

IT'S BIGGER THAN YOU ARE.

IT'S GOT WEAPONS.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU GO TO CLASS
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WHAT CAN IT HURT?

IT CAN HURT ME.

LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO SETTLE
FOR THAT KIND OF A LIFE.

ALL RIGHT, I'M CONCEITED,
EGOISTIC, VAIN,

WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,

BUT I'M NOT ORDINARY.

BUT TO ME YOU'RE NOT ORDIN...
ORDINARY.

TO YOU, YOU'RE NOT ORDINARY.

BUT HONEY, BELIEVE ME, TO THE
AIR FORCE YOU'RE ORDINARY.

WELL, TO ME THE AIR FORCE IS
ORDINARY.

SHH, NO, DON'T SAY IT SO LOUD,
HONEY.

- SOMEBODY MIGHT HEAR YOU.
- OH, WHO CARES?

I'D RATHER BE DEAD THAN LIVE
LIKE A FRIGHTENED ANIMAL.

OH MAN, THIS IS A WHALE OF
A BEATING I'M TAKING.

YOU KNOW, JOE, WE'RE JUST NOT
SUITED FOR EACH OTHER.

DON'T SAY THAT.

NO, REALLY, WE JUST DON'T THINK
THE SAME WAY ABOUT THINGS.

WAIT A MINUTE, ALL RIGHT.

NEVER MIND ABOUT THE SCHOOL,
I'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT.

- NOW, HONEY, COME ON.
- NOW, DON'T TOUCH ME.

I CAN'T THINK WHEN YOU'RE
TOUCHING ME.

IT CLOUDS MY JUDGMENT.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE TROUBLE
BETWEEN US,

THE ONLY THING WE HAVE
IN COMMON IS THIS

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
FOR EACH OTHER.

THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S ALL?

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

I WAS STUPID TO MARRY
A MAN I DIDN'T KNOW,

AND WHO DIDN'T KNOW ME.

I'M SORRY, JOE.

FORGIVE ME.

DON'T GET DRESSED.

- I'LL FIND A HOTEL ROOM.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO
AMERICA IN THE MORNING.

THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS
THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF.

JOE, IF I STAY WITH YOU, I MIGHT
REALLY HAVE A BABY.

AND THEN IF WE WEREN'T HAPPY
TOGETHER,

WHAT WOULD WE DO ABOUT IT THEN?

WELL, WE'D GET TO KNOW EACH
OTHER.

WE'D, UH, WELL,
YOU DID PROMISE ME

A LIFETIME,
DIDN'T YOU, MAGGIE?

LOOK, MAGGIE, YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE
US A CHANCE.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY.

FOR ONE MONTH.

NOW YOU'RE BEING SENSIBLE.

BUT NOT AS MAN AND WIFE.

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
- JOE, IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

IT WOULDN'T PROVE ANYTHING
IF WE STAYED MARRIED

JUST BECAUSE WE LIKE TO SLEEP
TOGETHER.

I WANT MORE FROM
A MARRIAGE THAN THAT,

A LOT MORE.

WELL, HOW CAN YOU GET ANYTHING
FROM A MARRIAGE

IF YOU DON'T LIVE TOGETHER AS
MAN AND WIFE?

JOE, I'VE GOT TO BE CERTAIN I
DON'T STAY WITH YOU

- FOR THE WRONG REASON.
- OH, NOW, NOW, DON'T...

NOW, NOW YOU...YOU MUSTN'T MAKE
LOVE TO ME.

IF YOU DO, I'LL LEAVE.

OH, THIS IS MURDER.

NOW, YES...WELL, I BETTER LEAVE.

- I REALLY BETTER.
- NO, WAIT.

YOU WIN,
ANYTHING YOU SAY.

NOW HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

NOW GO TO BED.

COME ON, I WON'T BOTHER YOU.

I MAY CRY A LITTLE BIT DURING
THE NIGHT,

BUT I WON'T BOTHER YOU.

WHERE'S FITZPATRICK?

HE'S TAKING A COLD SHOWER,
LIEUTENANT.

AGAIN?

THAT'S THE THIRD TIME TODAY.

WELL, SOME GUYS LIKE TO BE
CLEAN.

PSYCHOS.

NOW, WHAT'S THIS ALL-DAY SHOWER
ROUTINE?

I DON'T KNOW, LIEUTENANT.
IT MUST BE THE HEAT.

IT'S BEEN GETTING ME LATELY.

WELL, TAKE YOUR SALT PILLS.

YES, SIR.

MAJOR BEG WANTS TO KNOW
WHY YOUR WIFE

DITCHED THE
INDOCTRINATION CLASS.

IF HE'D JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE
MORE TIME,

I'M SURE I CAN WORK THINGS OUT.

YOU BETTER.

OH, BY THE WAY, A TRANSPORT
DOCKED FROM CADIZ THIS MORNING.

YOUR CAR'S IN THE MANIFEST.

OH, GOOD DEAL.

YOU CAN CATCH A RIDE ON THE
AFTERNOON FLIGHT.

I TOLD MARGOLIS TO GIVE YOU
A 24-HOUR PASS.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

YOU THINK WE'LL GET THE CAR
RIGHT AWAY?

NO RED TAPE OR ANYTHING?

NO, THERE SHOULDN'T BE.

IT DOESN'T LOOK VERY STRONG.

SUPPOSE THEY DROP IT?

IT WOULDN'T HURT
THAT OLD WRECK OF MINE.

ISN'T THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
CAR IN THE WORLD?

YES.

IT MUST BELONG TO SOME KING OR
SOMEBODY, HUH?

YEAH, AT LEAST.

HEY, HAVEN'T I SEEN THIS CAR
SOMEPLACE BEFORE?

- SERGEANT JOE FITZPATRICK?
- HUH?

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.

ARE YOU... OH, NO, NO.

YOU'VE GOT THIS ALL MIXED UP
THERE, BUDDY BOY.

YOU'VE GOT THOSE NUMBERS ALL
CHANGED.

IT'S TRUE, IT'S YOURS.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, MINE?

JOE, THAT'S THE SURPRISE I WROTE
YOU ABOUT.

- YOU WON THE RAFFLE.
- THE RAFFLE?

YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER...
THE FRESH AIR FUND.

I SOLD YOU THE TICKET.

YOU MEAN, THAT'S WHERE I SIGNED?

ISN'T IT MAGNIFICENT?

FELLAS, FELLAS, YOU'RE GOING TO
GET FINGERPRINTS

ALL OVER THE BACK.

FELLAS, DO YOU MIND?

IT'S YOURS, JOE.

SLOWER, SLOWER.
YOU'RE GOING TO HIT THE SIDES.

OUTSIDE OF THE WAY IT LOOKS AND
RIDES...

IT SMELLS EXPENSIVE.

OH, I FEEL SO MUCH HAPPIER
TODAY.

THAT'S GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT, HONEY?

OH, JUST DAYDREAMING.

ABOUT PRETTY CARS AND PRETTY
DRESSES, PRETTY PARTIES.

DO YOU EVER DAYDREAM?

OH, YES.

NOW, NOW QUIT THAT.

I WAS JUST SHIFTING GEARS,
THAT'S ALL.

OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT.

HERE'S THE MONEY FOR YOUR OLD
CAR.

- OH. OH, GOOD.
- ELEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU
SOONER.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SPOIL THE
SURPRISE.

THAT IS FOR YOU.

- REALLY?
- IT'S YOUR WEDDING PRESENT.

WELL, I SHOULDN'T ACCEPT IT,

BUT UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

BUT YOU WILL, HUH?

WELL, A GIRL WHO REFUSE
TO ACCEPT PRESENTS,

USUALLY WIND UP WITH NOTHING.

OH, SURE.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU
TO HAVE A GOAL IN LIFE.

OH, I HAVE ONE.

WHICH REMINDS ME, WE'RE GOING TO
SPEND THE NIGHT IN GRANADA.

- GOOD.
- MM-HMM.

THEY SAY IT'S ONE OF THE MOST
ROMANTIC CITIES IN THE WORLD.

I SEE.

AND SO, WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
HMM?

YOU BETTER WAIT HERE WHILE I SEE
IF THEY'VE GOT A ROOM.

ALL RIGHT.

MISTER?

MISTER?

BUENAS TARDES.

UH, DO YOU HAVE A ROOM HERE?

- AS MANY AS YOU WISH, SEÑOR.
- OH, GOOD.

NOW, LISTEN, THERE'S SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

BUENAS DIAS.

GOOD EVENING, SEÑORA.

A THOUSAND PARDONS THAT I STARE,
BUT SUCH A MACHINE.

IT IS NOT AN AUTOMOBILE.
IT IS A WORK OF ART.

OH, WELL, WE LIKE IT, TOO.

WHAT'S GOING ON, A CARNIVAL?

A MOST HAPPY OCCASION.

THE MARRIAGE OF MY SON.

MAY I INTRODUCE MYSELF?
PABLO DE SALINAS.

HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M MAGGIE FITZPATRICK.

IT IS TRULY THE
PICASSO OF AUTOMOBILES.

DO YOU MIND IF MY GUESTS LOOK?

NO, GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD.

I UNDERSTAND, SEÑOR.

UH, NO COUCH IN THE BEDROOM.

- AND NO SOFA.
- NO, NO SOFA.

IT SHALL BE AS YOU WISH, SEÑOR.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

EXCUSE ME.

ALL SET.

I'M GOING TO GET THE BAGS.

THEY'RE RIGHT IN THE BACK.

IT'S PRETTY CROWDED IN THERE,
I COULD ONLY GET ONE ROOM.

OH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I DON'T KNOW YET, BUT IT'D
BETTER NOT BE.

PRONTO!

- BUENAS TARDES.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.

YOUR PASSPORTS, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU ARE.
MM-HMM.

I TOLD YOU THE PLACE WAS
CROWDED.

SOME POOR JOKER'S PROBABLY GONNA
HAVE TO SLEEP ON THAT TONIGHT.

PARDON, SEÑORA, DON PABLO
WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH IF YOU

AND YOUR HUSBAND WOULD
JOIN THE WEDDING PARTY.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

WELL, DON'T YOU WANT TO GO UP
AND CLEAN UP FIRST?

OH, WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT,
TELL HIM WE'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

THANK YOU.

THE BRIDE'S SO CUTE.

NOT HALF AS CUTE AS YOU ARE.

OH, IT WAS LOVELY.

LOVELY MUSIC, LOVELY DINNER,
LOVELY DANCING.

COULDN'T WE JUST STAY HERE
FOREVER?

OH, WE'RE NOT RICH ENOUGH TO
RETIRE JUST QUITE YET.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.

MONEY MAKES THE DIFFERENCE.

DOESN'T YOUR MIND GET A LITTLE
LONESOME

RUNNING ALONG ON THAT SAME
SINGLE TRACK ALL THE TIME?

YOU KNOW, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH,
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO GET OVER

THESE DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR THAT
YOU HAVE.

FIRST CLASS IS BETTER
THAN THIRD CLASS.

THAT'S NOT A DELUSION OF
GRANDEUR REALLY, THAT'S...

LISTEN, WAIT A MINUTE.

I EAT AS WELL AND I SLEEP AS
WELL AS ANY MILLIONAIRE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVE
TWICE AS MANY LAUGHS.

THERE'S NOTHING THIRD CLASS
ABOUT THAT.

YOU'RE PRETTY.

YEAH, EASY TO GET, TOO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOU MIGHT EVEN...

NO SUGGESTIVE REMARKS, PLEASE.

- IS THIS NICE?
- MM-HMM.

WHICH SIDE DO YOU WANT?

- EITHER SIDE.
- ALL RIGHT.

BUT I'M WARNING YOU,

THAT JUDO SESSION YOU PUT ME
THROUGH THIS MORNING

IS SOMETHING I
DO NOT WANT REPEATED.

WHEN A HUSBAND LEAVES FOR WORK,

IT'S ONLY NATURAL TO WANT TO
KISS HIS WIFE GOODBYE.

IT'S NOT NATURAL
TO KISS ANYONE GOODBYE

UNTIL YOU PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER NOW?

THAT COUCH WAS IN THIS ROOM.

THESE MARKS, THAT'S WHERE THE
LEGS STOOD.

YOU HAD IT TAKEN OUT.

ALL RIGHT, SO I'M HUMAN.

TALK ABOUT A ONE-TRACK MIND.

JOE, OUR MARRIAGE IS ALL WRONG.

COME ON, NOW.

ANY MARRIAGE IS WRONG WHEN YOU
TAKE THE SEX OUT IT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU SMARTER
THAN FREUD?

OH, MAGGIE, WILL YOU STOP THIS
NONSENSE?

ME?

ALL I ASKED WAS FORGET ABOUT
SEX FOR ONE SINGLE MONTH.

AND-- AND IT'S ONLY TWO DAYS

AND ALREADY YOU'RE ACTING LIKE
SOME KIND OF...OF AN ANIMAL.

IT'S DISGUSTING.

WELL, I'LL BET I WOULDN'T BE
DISGUSTING IF I WERE RICH.

WOULD YOU KINDLY LEAVE MY
BEDROOM?

THIS IS NOT YOUR BEDROOM.

IT'S OUR BATHROOM.

YES?

YES, WHAT IS IT?

MAY I LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN?

IT'S HOT IN HERE.

OH.

THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

MAGGIE, MAGGIE,
JUST LISTEN TO ME.

LISTEN, I LOVE YOU, MAGGIE.

I LOVE YOU, THAT'S THE ONLY
THING THAT MATTERS.

I LOVE YOU,
DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

- OF COURSE IT DOES, JOE.
- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

AND YOU BELONG ONLY TO ME.

NOW, YOU JUST COME ON,
GET OUT OF THIS SILLY TUB.

OH, JOE, YOU'RE CLOUDING MY
JUDGMENT.

OH, MAGGIE, I LOVE YOU.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

AREN'T WE LUCKY?

OH, WE COULD HAVE MADE
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

IF YOU'LL PLEASE NOT REFER
TO LIFE'S SUPREME MOMENT

AS A MISTAKE,

I WILL TRY TO BLOCK THIS EPISODE
OUT OF MY MIND.

JOE!

LOOK, LOOK, MARION, THAT CAR.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS IT?

SOMETHING ALTOGETHER NEW.

I MUST FIND OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

UNBELIEVABLE.

THAT PICKUP.

IT IS GONE.

I WONDER WHAT IT WAS?

THE DRIVER WAS WEARING AN
AMERICAN AIR FORCE UNIFORM.

I CAN FIND OUT FROM GENERAL
O'CONNELL.

THERE CAN'T BE TWO CARS LIKE
THAT IN THE AIR FORCE.

NOT IN THE WORLD.

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING.

SUCH LINES, SUCH...
WELL, IT DESTROYS ME.

I'M IN LOVE.

WITH AN AUTOMOBILE FOR A CHANGE?

YOU KNOW, ANTONIO, I'M GLAD I'M
NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I'D HATE TO COMPETE
WITH AN AUTOMOBILE.

MY DEAR MARQUESA,

YOU NEED NEVER FEAR COMPETITION
FROM AUTOMOBILES.

THEY'RE SO MUCH HARDER TO PARK.

THERE'S A DRESS SHOP NEXT TO THE
PALACE HOTEL,

WOULD YOU DROP ME OFF?

ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE SURROUNDED.

WHAT'D YOU SAY SI FOR?

IT'S THE ONLY WORD I KNOW.

WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE.

DON'T DO THAT.

- DO YOU MIND CLOSING...
- DON'T...DON'T TOUCH THE CAR.

OFFICER?

OFFICER?

WE WANT TO GET TO THE PALACE
HOTEL, WOULD YOU...

WE WANT TO GO TO A DRESS SHOP AT
THE PALACE, UNDERSTANDO?

- PALACIO.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

DO YOU MIND
GETTING BACK, FOLKS, PLEASE?

THERE'S NO ACCIDENT, SIR.

JUST SOME FANTASTIC LOOKING
RED CAR.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

FIRST CLASS, HUH?

MOTORCYCLE ESCORT.

A FLAGRANT, OSTENTATIOUS DISPLAY
OF AMERICAN WEALTH

IS VERY POOR PROPAGANDA, TIM.

THE AMBASSADOR IS QUITE
DISTURBED ABOUT IT.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO
ANTAGONIZE PEOPLE

WITH WHOM WE MUST DO BUSINESS.

- ME? WHAT D--
- ENVY BREEDS DISLIKE,

IN SPAIN OR AT HOME.

DETAILS, PLEASE.

ONE OF YOUR OFFICERS IS DRIVING
THE MOST MAGNIFICENT CAR

IN EITHER HEMISPHERE.

A CUSTOM BUILT, WHAT IS IT?

IT MUST HAVE COST MORE THAN THE
STATE DEPARTMENT BUDGET

FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR.

ONE OF MY OFFICERS?
WHO SAYS SO?

I SAY SO,
I SAW HIM.

THE CAR CAUSED SUCH A RIOT,
I COULDN'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH

TO MAKE OUT HIS RANK,
BUT HE'S ONE OF YOURS.

NOW, LOOK, ONE OF MY OFFICERS
COULDN'T AFFORD TIRES

FOR A CUSTOM BUILT JOB.

I SAW HIM.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL INVESTIGATE IT.

TOMMY, CALL INTELLIGENCE.

ASK MAJOR BONNER TO STEP IN.

LOOK, THERE IT IS.

TOMMY, CANCEL MAJOR BONNER.

COME OVER HERE.

GET ME THAT SERGEANT.

YES, SIR.

A SERGEANT DRIVING
A CAR LIKE THAT?

WELL, THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT IT
ON THE RUSSIANS.

AT EASE, SERGEANT.

UH, THIS IS MR. MCVEY,
OUR AMBASSADOR'S AIDE,

- SERGEANT, UH?
- FITZPATRICK, SIR.

- SERGEANT?
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

UH, SIT DOWN, SERGEANT.

RIGHT HERE.

HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO ACQUIRE
THAT AUTOMOBILE?

OH, I WON IT IN A RAFFLE, SIR.

ASK A SILLY QUESTION.

OH NO, SIR, IT'S THE TRUTH, SIR.

I WON IT AT A CHARITY
BAZAAR IN NEW YORK.

- HM.
- MM-HMM.

WELL, NOW, SERGEANT, THAT CAR OF
YOURS IS CREATING A PROBLEM.

HOW, SIR?

THE STATE DEPARTMENT HERE FEELS
IT'S A LITTLE TOO SPLENDIFEROUS.

MIGHT CREATE RESENTMENT.

HM.

WELL, WITH WHOM, SIR?

WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T WON
RAFFLES.

SO, IF YOU WOULD CARE
TO SEND IT HOME,

AT THE GOVERNMENT'S EXPENSE,

I'M SURE IT CAN BE ARRANGED.

GENERAL, PLEASE, SIR,
I MEAN, I COULDN'T.

I JUST COULDN'T DO THAT.

IF I WERE TO SEND THAT CAR HOME,
I'D JUST...

WELL, I'D HAVE TO SEND MY WIFE
HOME ALONG WITH IT.

SEE, I JUST COULDN'T
TAKE A CHANCE.

NOT THE WAY THINGS ARE
WITH US RIGHT NOW.

IT'S, YOU KNOW?

BEEN MARRIED LONG?

WELL, JUST A LITTLE OVER A
MONTH, SIR.

OH, I SEE.

SO, YOU SEE, I'D LIKE VERY MUCH
TO HELP YOU, SIR.

BUT YOU CAN SEE
THE SPOT I'M IN, HUH?

WELL, SERGEANT, THE AIR FORCE

HAS NO INTENTIONS OF BREAKING UP
YOUR MARRIAGE.

THAT'S ALL, SERGEANT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

TIM, AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?

YOU HEARD ME OFFER
TO SEND IT HOME

AT THE GOVERNMENT'S EXPENSE,
HE TURNED IT DOWN.

HE'S GOT THE RIGHT
TO TURN IT DOWN.

EVEN WHEN IT AFFECTS MATTERS OF
NATIONAL POLICY?

LOOK, I HAVE NO AUTHORITY TO
DEPRIVE HIM OF HIS RIGHTS.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT CAN
BE DONE,

EITHER BY THE MILITARY OR BY THE
STATE DEPARTMENT.

DEMOCRACY, IT'S WONDERFUL.

IF IT ISN'T FATAL.

- HI, JOE.
- HI, ALEC.

- I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
- UH-UH, MY WIFE'S WAITING.

HEY, DID YOU SEE THIS?

NO, WHAT IS IT?

WHY, I BET O'CONNELL IS REAL
HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

THE CONGRESSMEN SERVE ON THE

ARMED FORCES EXPENDITURES
COMMITTEE?

SO, YOU CAN TELL YOUR FELLOW
CONGRESSMEN

THAT WE EAT PRETTY WELL.

UNFORTUNATELY, OUR HOUSING
FACILITIES

WON'T BE COMPLETED
FOR SOME TIME.

CONSEQUENTLY, OUR MARRIED
PERSONNEL LIVE IN MADRID.

THAT AUTOMOBILE, I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.

WHOM DOES IT BELONG TO?

ONE OF OUR SERGEANTS.

SERGEANT?

HE WON IT IN A RAFFLE.

WELL, AFTER THE TOUR, I SUPPOSE
YOU GENTLEMEN ARE THIRSTY.

SHALL WE GO
TO THE OFFICERS' CLUB?

RAFFLE.

JOE, I'VE GOT A SURPRISE.

WELL, HOLD IT, PLEASE, MAGGIE.

I'M STILL ALL SHOOK UP
FROM THE LAST ONE.

OH, NOW, THE MARQUESA DEL RAY
TELEPHONED

AND INVITED US TO THE BULL
FIGHTS TOMORROW.

IMAGINE, THE MARQUESA DEL RAY.

I DON'T THINK I KNOW HER,
WHO IS SHE?

WHO IS SHE?
WELL, SHE'S FAMOUS.

I READ ABOUT HER IN THE PAPERS.

SHE WAS A EUROPEAN ACTRESS

AND SHE MARRIED A TERRIBLY RICH
SPANISH NOBLEMAN.

AND THEN HE DIED.

AND NOW SHE'S ACCEPTED
IN HIGH SOCIETY

AND SHE GIVES THESE TREMENDOUS
PARTIES ALL THE TIME.

NOW, WHY WOULD SHE INVITE US?
WE'RE NOT IN SOCIETY.

WHY? WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE WHY? SHE DID.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? ANTONIO
SORIANO, YOU REMEMBER WHO HE IS?

NOPE.

WELL, HE'S THE BEST BULL FIGHTER
IN THE WORLD.

AND HE'S FIGHTING TOMORROW.

AND BEFORE THE FIGHTS, WE'RE
INVITED TO HIS APARTMENT

TO WATCH HIM GET DRESSED.

WATCH HIM GET DRESSED?

WHO WANTS TO WATCH
A MAN GET DRESSED?

I DO.

YOU NEVER WATCH ME GET DRESSED.

WHAT DOES THIS SORIANO CHARACTER
GOT THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?

WATCHING A BULL FIGHTER GET
DRESSED IS A FORMAL CEREMONY.

IT'S A GREAT HONOR
TO BE INVITED.

WELL, DOES HE START
FROM SCRATCH?

YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST THINKING,
MAYBE THIS MARV WHO'S...

- MARQUESA.
- MARQUESA COULD INVITE US

TO WATCH JAYNE MANSFIELD
GETTING DRESSED.

OH.

NOW, THAT WOULD BE
SOME CEREMONY.

YOU MUST LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU
AND YOUR WIFE

WHILE YOU ARE STATIONED HERE.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
MARQUESA.

OH, MARION, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, MARION,
I'M JOE.

MM, GOOD LUCK, TONIO.

GRACIAS, MARION.

THIS IS SERGEANT FITZPATRICK,

THE GENTLEMAN YOU WERE SO
ANXIOUS TO MEET.

HOW DO YOU DO?

THE OWNER OF THE FABULOUS CAR.

AH, A GREAT PRIVILEGE.

I'M INFATUATED
WITH YOUR VEHICLE.

OH, JUST BE SURE THAT HE WON'T
STEAL IT FROM YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

SERGEANT, DID YOU SAY?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

AS A HOBBY, PERHAPS?

YEAH, IT'S A HOBBY.

IT'S FOR KICKS, YOU KNOW, LIKE
BREATHING?

AHA, I SEE.

BUT YOUR GLASS IS EMPTY.

UH, PEDRO.

THANK YOU.

YOU WILL LET ME DRIVE
YOUR CAR ONE DAY?

TODAY, YOU MUST SAY YES,

UNLESS YOU WISH MY BLOOD
ON YOUR HANDS.

WHEN THE TOREADOR HAS BEEN
DENIED, WHEN HE'S FRUSTRATED,

HE BECOMES WEAK.

EL TORO KNOWS WHEN THIS IS SO.

HE SMELLS IT.

THEN AT THE MOMENT OF THE TRUTH,
COMES THE HORN...DEATH.

MAN, YOU'RE KIDDING, AREN'T YOU?

JUST BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LET YOU
DRIVE MY CAR?

MAGNIFICENT,
THAT GIRL.

NEVER, NEVER HAVE I SEEN
ONE SO BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THAT'S MY WIFE.

I WILL CONSUME HER,
I WILL DEVOUR HER.

HEY NOW, JUST A MINUTE, TORERO.

FOR SUCH A CREATURE, ONE INVENTS
A NEW KIND OF LOVE.

FOR TEN DAYS...
YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS.

FOR TEN DAYS,
I COULD GO WITHOUT SLEEP.

FOR 240 HOURS,
I COULD MAKE LOVE TO HER.

YEAH, WELL, SO COULD I.

DO NOT TORTURE YOURSELF,
MY FRIEND.

SHE IS SORIANO'S NOW.

WELL, I WOULDN'T' SAY THAT.

IT IS TRUE.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO BULL
FIGHTERS, YOU SEE.

I BELIEVE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE BULL.

WELL, THAT'S LOGICAL.

PEDRO, I SPEAK ONLY THE TRUTH.

WHAT CHANCE DO YOU HAVE?

WELL, IT WOULD SEEM
LIKE VERY LITTLE.

WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN SPAIN
VERY LONG,

BUT WHAT I'VE SEEN,
I'VE ENJOYED VERY MUCH.

I'M GLAD.

I AM WAITING TO BE INTRODUCED.

OH! MRS. FITZPATRICK,
SEÑOR SORIANO.

I AM ENCHANTED.

- FITZPATRICK?
- MM-HMM.

YEP, THAT'S MY WIFE.

I'M SORRY, SEÑOR, WE CAN NO
LONGER BE FRIENDS.

WELL, I'M SORRY TOO
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE REALLY
QUITE A CHARACTER.

MY GREATEST STRENGTH
IS MY HONESTY.

NEVER WOULD I MAKE ADVANCES
TO THE WIFE OF A FRIEND.

HE'S OFF AGAIN.

OH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ADVANCES?
WHAT FRIEND?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

THE OLDEST WAR IN LIFE...
TWO MEN AND ONE WOMAN.

AH, THAT'S ENOUGH.

THAT'S ENOUGH NOW, COME ON,
MAGGIE, LET'S GO HOME, HUH?

I'M SORRY WE'RE GOING TO MISS
THE BULL FIGHT,

PARTICULARLY NOW I'VE GOT
SOMEBODY TO ROOT FOR,

AND I KNOW IT ISN'T HIM.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

WELL, I KIND OF LIKED IT MYSELF.

NOW, JOE, WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO?

BEHAVE YOURSELF, TONY.

COME ON, JOE,
DON'T BE ANGRY.

REALLY, HE DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.

HOWEVER, I SPEAK ONLY THE TRUTH.

YOU ARE NOT FOND
OF THE TRUTH, I SEE.

YOU PREFER TO TAKE YOUR LOVELY
WIFE TO THE COMPANY OF MEN

WHO DO NOT SAY WHAT THEY FEEL.

MEN WHO THINK WHAT I THINK, BUT,
UH, SECRETLY.

HEY, YOU KNOW, IN A KIND OF
SCREWBALL WAY,

YOU MAKE A LOT OF SENSE.

ALL RIGHT, I WON'T ROOT
FOR THE BULL.

YOUR HAND, SIR?

MAYBE WE SHALL STILL
BE FRIENDS AFTER ALL.

I WOULDN'T BE A BIT SURPRISED.

SAY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRIVE
MY CAR TO THE FIGHTS?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

SERIOUS?
OF COURSE I'M SERIOUS.

THINK I WANT YOUR BLOOD ON MY
HANDS?

OH, SEÑOR, YOU'RE MOST GRACIOUS.

COME, EVERYONE. TIME TO GO.

IT HAS A PUSH BUTTON DRIVE,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

OF COURSE.

- ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE KEYS.
- THANK YOU.

NOW THAT WE'RE FRIENDS, I ESCORT
YOUR WIFE?

WHY YES, BY ALL MEANS.

BE MY GUEST.

THERE'S A SWITCH.

MARION, YOU TAKE CARE OF THE
SERGEANT.

I SHALL BE DELIGHTED.

IT'S EVEN MORE WONDERFUL
THAN I THOUGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS, AGAIN,
S EÑOR FITZPATRICK,

UPON BOTH YOUR POSSESSIONS.

AND NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU
TO FACE MY DESTINY.

LIFE OR DEATH, PERHAPS.

GOODBYE.

AND DON'T FORGET, TOMORROW, YOU
AND THE GOOD SERGEANT

WILL VISIT MY COUNTRY PLACE.

WELL, FOR A MAN WHO'S SUPPOSED
TO BE FACING DEATH,

HE SEEMS AWFULLY CERTAIN
ABOUT TOMORROW.

MAYBE THOSE BULLS ARE FIXED.

MRS. TAPPE, MRS. MUIR,
SEÑOR LOGANZAGA.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?

PLEASE, TAKE A SEAT.

CONGRESSMAN MUIR,
CONGRESSMAN TAPPE.

- GENERAL.
- THANKS.

OH, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU,
LIEUTENANT.

WELL, I SEE THE MARQUESA'S HERE.

WHO?

THE MARQUESA DEL RAY,

SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S GIVING THE
BIG RECEPTION OVER THE WEEKEND.

WE'RE INVITED, ARE YOU?

NATURALLY.

RICHARD IS A SENIOR CONGRESSMAN.

WHY ARE THEY WAVING
THE CAPES AT THE BULL?

I THOUGHT MR. SORIANO
WAS GOING TO FIGHT HIM.

OH, THE FIRST THING IS THE CAPE
TO FEEL THE BULL OUT.

YOU KNOW, TO SEE
WHICH WAY HE CHARGES.

LIKE THE TOREADOR
HAS AN EVEN CHANCE.

WELL, HE'S GOT A SWORD,
HASN'T HE?

THAT'S MORE THAN THE BULL'S GOT.

MAGGIE, THE BULL HAS HORNS, SEE?

WHICH HE BROUGHT WITH HIM.

MAN, THIS BULL FIGHTING,
THAT'S A ROUGH BUSINESS.

IT DOESN'T SEEM AS ROUGH AS
PRIZE FIGHTING OR FOOTBALL.

OH, IT'S DIFFERENT.

BODILY CONTACT SPORTS ARE ROUGH,

BUT THEY'RE NOT A MATTER
OF LIFE OR DEATH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SEE, THIS IS MORE OF AN, UM,
ART THAN A SPORT.

LIKE A LOVE AFFAIR.

YEAH, I GUESS YOU'D CALL THAT
A BODILY CONTACT SPORT.

UH, IT'S CERTAINLY
NO SPORT IF IT ISN'T.

AH!

- ARE YOU ENJOYING IT?
- YEAH, IT'S FINE.

OH!

HE'S DEDICATING THE BULL TO YOU.

WHAT DO I DO?

JUST CATCH HIS HAT.

JUST THROW SOMETHING
BACK TO HIM.

GENERAL, THAT GIRL
HE TOSSED THE HAT TO,

IS SHE A CELEBRITY OR SOMETHING?

HM, NOT THAT I KNOW OF,

SHE'S MARRIED TO
ONE OF OUR GI'S.

YES, THAT'S THE SERGEANT WHO WAS
DRIVING THE $40,000 CAR.

$40,000 CAR?

A SERGEANT?

DICK, YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

I CHECKED WITH THE GENERAL HERE,

SEEMS THE SOLDIER
WON IT IN A RAFFLE.

OH, NO.

NOT A VERY LIKELY STORY.

THE BOY'S GOT A GOOD RECORD,

I SEE NO REASON
TO DISBELIEVE HIM.

DICK, DICK, THAT IS THE VERY
DRESS!

I PRICED IT YESTERDAY AT
PEREGIOS, $412 THEY WERE ASKING.

- YOU SURE?
- ABSOLUTELY. 17,300 PESETOS.

I SUPPOSE SHE WON THAT IN A
RAFFLE, HM?

GENERAL, WHAT DOES
THAT SERGEANT DO?

HE, UH, HE'S A SUPPLY SERGEANT.

ANYBODY CHECK
THE SUPPLIES LATELY?

- 760 PARACHUTES.
- CHECK.

180 HYDRAULIC COUPLERS.

CHECK.

- 2,306 50-SIXTEENS.
- CHECK.

- 486...
- CHECK.

- 300 AIR SPEED INDICATORS.
- CHECK.

- 220...
- CHECK.

97 AIR PRESSURE HOSES.

EVERYTHING CHECKS SO FAR.

WAIT TILL WASHINGTON
HEARS ABOUT THAT.

YOUR STINKING AUTOMOBILE.

SO THAT'S WHY
WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK

WITH THIS IMBECILE INVENTORY
'TIL THREE IN THE MORNING.

WELL, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
DESERT?

IF YOU CAN DO IT AS OF
YESTERDAY, BY ALL MEANS.

SERGEANT FITZPATRICK, ABOUT THIS
AUTOMOBILE YOU WON.

OH, NO.

A COPY OF THIS
WILL BE SENT TO YOU.

IT'S FROM THE INTERNAL REVENUE
DEPARTMENT.

YOUR ESTIMATED TAX FOR THE
CURRENT YEAR IS $17,500.

AS OF NOW, YOU OWE $8,750,

WHICH COVERS THE FIRST TWO
INSTALLMENTS.

THEY...THEY'VE GOT ME MIXED UP
WITH ANOTHER FITZPATRICK.

ANYTHING YOU WIN
IS THE SAME AS AN INCOME.

YOU HAVE TO DECLARE IT AND PAY
INCOME TAX ON IT.

GOT IT?

WHERE AM I GOING TO GET $17,500?

UNLESS THEY RECEIVE PAYMENT
IMMEDIATELY, AS FINANCE OFFICER,

I'VE BEEN REQUESTED TO WITHHOLD
YOUR PAY, SORRY.

WHERE YOU GOING, SERGEANT?

I'M GOING TO GET AN ASPIRIN.

A JOB, MAYBE I COULD GET A JOB?

AND PAY TAXES ON WHAT YOU EARN?

MAGGIE, LISTEN, WE'RE IN THE
80-90 PERCENT BRACKET RIGHT NOW.

MM-HMM.
AND MAYBE VIOLENTLY ILL.

SAY, WHAT ABOUT THAT
$1,100 DOLLARS I GAVE YOU?

MAYBE WE COULD USE THAT
TO KIND OF STALL 'EM

ALONG FOR A WHILE, HUH?

OH, THAT'S GONE.

GONE?

I SPENT THAT THE OTHER DAY
ON CLOTHES.

YOU SPENT $1,100
IN ONE DAY ON CLOTHES?

WELL, YOU GAVE IT TO ME,
DIDN'T YOU?

ELEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS
IN ONE DAY.

MAN, I'LL DREAM ABOUT THAT.

JOE, YOU'RE GOING
TO SLEEP NOW?

ON THAT LOVESEAT
JUST LIKE THAT,

YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP?

THAT IS MY SUPREME AMBITION.

WELL, WITHOUT EVEN A STRUGGLE?

MAGGIE, I'M TIRED.

I KNEW I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
MARRIED YOU.

ONE LITTLE THING GOES WRONG, AND
RIGHT AWAY,

YOU LOSE INTEREST IN ME.

IF I HAD ANY BRAINS, I'D SWAT
YOU RIGHT UP INTO ORBIT.

HEY, JOE, LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S PRACTICALLY A SHANGRI-LA.

DRIVE SLOW,
I NEED SOME MORE SLEEP.

SHE'S COME ALONE.

AND I SUPPOSE
YOU ARRANGED FOR IT?

TRULY NOT.

OH, MY LITTLE ENCHANTMENT,
YOU CAME BY YOURSELF.

WELL, PRACTICALLY.

OH.

GOOD DAY, SEÑOR FITZPATRICK.

I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU.

BUT IT IS THE HOST WHO SPEAKS,
NOT THE MAN.

I SEE.

WELL, IT'S THE GUEST THAT THANKS
YOU, NOT THE HUSBAND.

THE GUEST IS MOST WELCOME.

MY, WHAT A LOVELY
ESTATE THIS IS.

HERE WE RAISE SOME OF THE FINEST
BULLS IN SPAIN.

I KNOW, WE SAW SOME OF THEM AS
WE DROVE UP.

AFTER LUNCH, I WILL INTRODUCE
YOU TO SOME OF THEIR CHILDREN.

- GRACIAS.
- THANK YOU.

NOW, YOU SEE,
YOU HOLD IT LIKE THIS.

YES.

LIKE THIS, THERE.

NOW, YOU WAIT FOR THE BULL.

HE CHARGES.

NOW, REMEMBER, THE BULL WILL
ALWAYS FOLLOW THE CAPE.

THE BULL WILL ALWAYS
FOLLOW THE CAPE.

NOW, THE OTHER SIDE.

- OH, THAT--
- MY DARLING.

NOW WE TRY
WITH THE HORNS...TORO!

COME ON, JOE,
YOU NEED A DRINK.

AW, THAT'S EASY.

BRING ON THE REAL BULL.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, REMEMBER, THE BULL WILL
ALWAYS FOLLOW THE CAPE.

- RIGHT.
- ANTONIO.

THE BULL WILL ALWAYS
FOLLOW THE CAPE.

TORO!

TORO, AHA!

NO!

JOE!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THE BULL WOULD FOLLOW THE CAPE.

BUT HE WAS OVERCOME
BY YOUR CHARM.

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT
LITTLE BULL.

HE'S NOT DANGEROUS.

IT'S NOT THE BULL
I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

MAGGIE, WILL YOU
GET OUT OF THERE?

AN EXQUISITE THING,
THIS CAR OF YOURS.

IT'S THE TALK OF MADRID.

YEAH, THAT CAR
IS NOTHING BUT GRIEF.

SPECIAL, CUSTOM-MADE GRIEF.

I UNDERSTAND.

SUCH A LOVELY TOY.

IT CREATES JEALOUSY.

JEALOUSY, THAT'S A FINE TRIBUTE.

WHEN PEOPLE ENVY ME A
POSSESSION, I KNOW I'M WISE

TO POSSESS IT.

SORIANO, COME HERE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?

YES.

SPEAKING OF POSSESSIONS, HOW
WOULD YOU LIKE TO POSSESS MINE?

WHY BEYOND DOUBT!

WHAT A PECULIAR QUESTION.

- SHE IS...
- I'M TALKING ABOUT MY CAR.

OH, THAT!

YES, THAT TOO.

IT'S PRETTY EXPENSIVE.

I ASSUMED.

I CAN'T TAKE ANY PESETOS.

NAME THE CURRENCY, SWISS
FRANCS, PESOS, DOLLARS.

- DOLLARS.
- DOLLARS.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE AT LEAST
$17,500.

AGREED.
I'LL SEND YOU A CHECK.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.
HERE'S THE KEYS.

THANK YOU.

I HAVE JUST BOUGHT SEÑOR
FITZPATRICK'S BEAUTIFUL CAR.

IT'S MINE.

JOE, YOU SOLD OUR CAR?

WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT THING.

I'M JUST AN ORDINARY SERGEANT.

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE FIGURED
SOMETHING OUT.

OH, JOE, I LOVE THAT CAR.

WELL, THAT'S VERY
ENCOURAGING, MAGGIE,

BECAUSE I WAS BEGINNING TO DOUBT
WHETHER YOU COULD LOVE ANYTHING.

COME, MY FRIENDS, COME.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE. COME,
WE DRINK TO MY NEW POSSESSION.

FORGIVE ME IF I BOAST
ABOUT MY WINES,

THEY'RE INCOMPARABLE.

WHEN I AM NO LONGER MATADOR,

THEY WILL STILL KEEP THE NAME OF
SORIANO UPON EVERYONE'S LIPS.

BUT, YOU SHALL JUDGE FOR
YOURSELVES.

THIS IS ONLY A YOUNG WINE,
SEVEN YEARS.

BUT IT HAS MUCH TO SAY.

ORIGINAL THOUGHTS.

SOME PROFOUND, SOME ROMANTIC,
EVEN FOOLISH,

BUT, UH, NICELY PUT.

DO YOU APPROVE?

MM, DELICIOUS.

YOUTHFUL AND, UM, STILL
SOPHISTICATED.

AH.

WHAT DID IT SAY TO YOU, JOE?

NOT TO TALK LIKE A PHONY.

AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING
DIFFERENT.

COME, COME.

AND THIS ONE IS AN EXPERIMENT.

CROSS BLEND THAT
ATTEMPTS TO MARRY

THE RHYTHM OF THE FLAMENCO TO
THE LILT OF A PUCCINI ATTI.

IT SINGS WELL?

LIKE THE AMES BROTHERS.

THE RHYTHM AND THE LILT, THEY
ARE THERE?

YOU HESITATED.

SAY, DID YOU EVER TRY WRITING
BEER COMMERCIALS?

I DO NOT FOLLOW.

IT'S A COMPLIMENT, YOU SEE.

IT'S A COMPLIMENT TO YOUR POWERS
OF DESCRIPTION.

OH, WHY, THANK YOU.

NOW, THIS VINTAGE
TO ME HAS LOVELY CHARACTER.

ALTHOUGH SOME PEOPLE FIND
IT A LITTLE SELFISH.

HOW MANY VINTAGES DO YOU HAVE
DOWN HERE?

SEVERAL HUNDRED.

WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT.

COME.

AND NOW I'LL INTRODUCE
EL GRAN VIEJO,

ITS AGE IS UNKNOWN,
PERHAPS 200 YEARS.

NEVER HAS IT BEEN
BOTTLED OR SOLD.

MY PRIVATE TREASURE,
EL GRAN VIEJO.

I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY WINES
OF TRASKS IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

MAGGIE, MAGGIE, YOU'RE STONED.

OH, YOU HAVE NO APPRECIATION IN
THE FINER...

NUANCES OF GOOD WINE.

- MAGGIE.
- OH-OH, NO-NO.

MAGGIE, PLEASE.

NO-NO, NO-NO.
NO-NO, NO-NO, NO-NO--

- OH, HELLO.
- HELLO.

STONED.

WELL, WHAT DO WE TRY NEXT?

EL GRAN VIEJO.

OOH, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BIG
CARAFE IN MY...

WE'LL NEVER DRINK ALL THAT.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS OUR TASTING ROOM.

OH.

WE KEEP THE DOOR CLOSED SO THE
BOUQUET OF EL GRAN VIEJO

WILL NOT BE SPOILED
BY OTHER ODORS.

OH, I DON'T MIND.

MM, SMELLS NICE.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE IS ONLY
PLACE FOR TWO AT A TIME.

MAY I SEPARATE YOU FROM YOUR
BEAUTIFUL LADY A MOMENT?

NOW, MAGGIE,
YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH NOW.

- COME ON, MAGGIE. MAGGIE?
- IT'D BE A PLEASURE, ANTONIO.

MAGGIE.

OH!

SHE HAS A MIND OF HER OWN, THAT
LITTLE ONE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

YOU'RE MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN
SORIANO, YOU KNOW.

TRY NOT TO BE ANGRY.

I COULDN'T BE TRYING ANY HARDER.

BESIDES, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM
IN THERE TO DO ANYTHING WICKED.

THERE'S NOT MUCH AIR IN HERE.

AHA, TOO MUCH AIR IS BAD
FOR THE BOUQUET.

OH, I CAN GET DRUNK ON THE
BOUQUET ALONE.

OH, OH, OH!

IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO
MAKE ROOM.

IT'S LOCKED.

DID YOU HURT YOURSELF?

NO, NO, I'M ALL RIGHT.

OH!

OH, MY NEW DRESS.

YOU TORE MY NEW DRESS.

OH MY DEAR, DO NOT WEEP.

THERE WILL BE ANOTHER NEW DRESS
AT YOUR HOME TOMORROW.

- THERE WILL?
- BUT OF COURSE.

IF YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT OBJECT?

OH NO, HE DOESN'T, HONESTLY.

I'LL KILL HIM.

A NEW DRESS. ANTONIO,
YOU'RE A GASSER.

I'LL BREAK THAT DOOR DOWN.

LET ME FIND SOMETHING
AROUND HERE.

IS THERE AN AX AROUND HERE?
EXCUSE ME.

WELL, WHERE'S THE GLORY BOOZE?

A PRIVILEGE.

I WATCH THE MEETING OF THE TWO
MOST BEAUTIFUL OBJECTS OF SPAIN.

OH, OLÉ!

EVERYBODY BACK, DO YOU MIND
STEPPING BACK, PLEASE?

STEP RIGHT UP
TO THE FUN PALACE, FOLKS.

JUST AS MUCH FUN INSIDE
AS IT'S...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, AT LEAST IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
PUT UP A FIGHT.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

NOW, THAT'S A VERY VULGAR
REMARK.

- AND VERY UNCALLED FOR.
- YOU JUST KEEP OUT OF THIS.

LOOK, I AM VERY SORRY
IF I AM VULGAR,

BUT MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO MAKE A
FEW ALLOWANCES FOR ME

BECAUSE I WAS NEVER ABLE TO
BECOME QUITE AS CLASSY AS YOU.

NOW, I MUST APOLOGIZE
FOR MY HUSBAND...

DON'T YOU DO THAT,
DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ME.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

CINDERELLA, YOU JUST GO AHEAD
AND TAKE YOUR COW DODGER

BECAUSE I'VE HAD IT,
I AM FED UP.

I'VE HAD IT.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT.

BUT HE WAS TERRIBLY INTOXICATED.

DO NOT BE DISTRESSED.

HUSBANDS ARE ALWAYS
JEALOUS OF SORIANO.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.

JOE, CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT?

THANKS.

HMM, I'M SORRY
I SPOILED THE PARTY.

I LIKE THIS PARTY BETTER.

YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I CAME
HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OH, I'M SORRY
I DISAPPOINTED YOU.

BUT YOU DIDN'T.

WHERE CAN I TAKE YOU?

SOME PLACE IN TOWN WHERE I CAN
GET A HOTEL ROOM.

HOW ABOUT MY VILLA?

WELL, YOU WERE INVITED FOR THE
WEEKEND IN ANY CASE.

SURELY YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF
APPEARANCES.

CERTAINLY NOT.

WELL?

ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

GOOD.

HM, IF I HADN'T SWORN OFF WOMEN
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,

I'D SAY SOMETHING
REAL NICE TO YOU.

I CAN WAIT.

JOE?

I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST A SILLY
LITTLE OLD DROOP.

AND I DIDN'T MEAN...

JOE?

JOE?

THE KIND OF A MAN THAT
HOLDS A GRUDGE, HUH?

DARN FOOL.

JUST WHEN I WAS GOING
TO FORGIVE HIM.

OH.

I'LL SAY THIS FOR YOU, SERGEANT,
YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING SMALL.

HERE WE ARE DISCIPLINING AIRMEN

FOR SELLING CIGARETTES,
CHOCOLATE, NYLONS.

YOU COME ALONG AND SELL
A CUSTOM-BUILT AUTOMOBILE.

YOU'RE AWARE, OF COURSE, THAT
YOU WERE EXPOSING YOURSELF

AND SEÑOR SORIANO TO POSSIBLE
PRISON TERMS?

PUT SORIANO IN JAIL AND THE
SPANISH PEOPLE

WILL TEAR IT DOWN.

THE TRANSACTION IS HEREBY
CANCELED.

AND YOU, SERGEANT,
ARE UNDER ARREST.

OH, GENERAL, YOU'RE BEING
RIDICULOUS.

MAGGIE, PLEASE.

A COURT MARTIAL
MAY NOT BE NECESSARY,

THAT'S FOR THE BOARD OF INQUIRY
TO DETERMINE.

MEANWHILE, CONFINE YOURSELF
TO QUARTERS.

YES, SIR.

WHICH QUARTERS, SIR?

WHICHEVER QUARTERS YOU HAPPEN TO
BE OCCUPYING.

- IS THAT CLEAR?
- YES, SIR.

DISMISSED.

DISMISSED!

YES, SIR.

I HAVE SOMETHING
TO SAY ABOUT THIS.

MAGGIE, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES,
WILL YOU KEEP YOUR--

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, GENERAL.

JOE HAD TO SELL HIS CAR

BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES
GOVERNMENT ORDERED HIM TO.

PLEASE CLARIFY THAT STATEMENT.

THE INTERNAL REVENUE DEPARTMENT,

THEY'RE GOING TO ATTACH
JOE'S PAY

UNLESS THEY GET
OVER $17,000 IN TAXES.

NOW, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO,
STARVE TO DEATH?

THAT MIGHT BE A SOLUTION.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF A
COUPLE OF OLD CONGRESSMEN.

YOU'RE UNJUST, COWARDLY, UNFAIR,
SHOCKING,

AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

NOW, LOOK, IT'S VERY OBVIOUS
THAT YOU HAVE

A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT THE
SERVICE, MRS. FITZPATRICK.

WELL, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN
ABOUT CIVILIAN RIGHTS.

I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO MY
CONGRESSMAN.

AND HE'LL HAVE A FEW WORDS TO
SAY, ALL RIGHT.

NOW, JUST ONE MINUTE.

WHO IS YOUR CONGRESSMAN,
YOUNG WOMAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I CAN FIND OUT BY WRITING TO
JACKSON HEIGHTS.

JACKSON HEIGHTS?

YES.

I'M YOUR CONGRESSMAN.

WELL, SAY A FEW WORDS.

I WILL.

YOU ARE THE MOST IMPERTINENT,
DISRESPECTFUL CONSTITUENT

I'VE EVER BEEN ASHAMED TO
ACKNOWLEDGE.

BELIEVE ME, GENERAL, MOST OF MY
VOTERS ARE NICE PEOPLE.

I'M SURE YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE OTHER GUESTS.

WELL, THAT'S THE SECOND TIME IN
TWO DAYS I'VE BEEN TOLD OFF.

SUPPOSE THERE COULD BE
SOMETHING IN IT?

IT MEANS NOTHING.

A WOMAN OF SPIRIT IS BOUND TO
MAKE ENEMIES.

JOE DIDN'T EVEN
COME HOME LAST NIGHT.

EXCELLENT.

NOW HE'S UNDER ARREST.

HE'S CONFINED TO QUARTERS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE.

DO NOT BE SAD.

LET ME HELP YOU NOT TO BE SAD.

- HOW?
- IT'S EASY.

FOR A HANGOVER, YOU TAKE A
LITTLE MORE WHISKEY.

FOR A BROKEN HEART, YOU TAKE A
LITTLE MORE LOVE.

OH, BROKEN HEART, MY FOOT.

HE'LL COME CRAWLING BACK TO ME
ON HIS KNEES.

YOU'LL SEE.

I'M ALREADY CRAWLING ON MINE.

OH, COME ON, ANTONIO,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

COME IN.

IS THE PRISONER RECEIVING?

WHY, YES.

YOU KNOW,
I WAS JUST THINKING.

WHY DIDN'T I HAVE ENOUGH SENSE
TO GET ARRESTED YEARS AGO, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THIS WAS
GOING TO BE A VERY DULL WEEKEND.

CONGRESSMEN, AMBASSADORS,

BUT MAGGIE'S HERE.

OH, WELL, THAT FIGURES.

TONY INSISTED ON BRINGING HER,
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY WITH ME.

I'M NOT ANGRY,
I'M DELIGHTED.

I HOPE THEY BOTH HAVE A REAL
GOOD TIME.

WELL, I...I JUST WONDERED
WHETHER

YOU STILL WANT TO COME
DOWNSTAIRS OR NOT?

THANK YOU...
WELL, WHY NOT?

NOTHING'S GOING
TO SPOIL THIS PARTY.

SHALL WE?

- MARION.
- TIM.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE,
I HAD TO...

FITZPATRICK?

YES, SIR?

I THOUGHT I CONFINED YOU
TO QUARTERS.

- WELL, YOU DID, SIR.
- WELL?

WELL, SIR, THESE ARE MY
QUARTERS.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE, UH,
COMFORTABLE, SERGEANT.

OH, YES INDEED, SIR.

ISN'T HE A DEAR?

HURRY UP, TIM, WE NEED YOU
DOWNSTAIRS.

COME ON, DARLING.

ISN'T IT FUNNY?

THIS IS JUST THE SORT OF PARTY I
ALWAYS WANTED TO BE INVITED TO.

REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, GENUINE TOP LEVEL,
BIG, BIG WHEELS.

AND I'M DEPRESSED.

A LITTLE WINE WILL PICK YOU
RIGHT UP.

OH NO, DON'T MENTION THAT WORD.

LET'S JUST DANCE.

DON, WHAT A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.

OH DARLING, GO AHEAD,
I'LL BE RIGHT IN IN A MOMENT.

NOW, DON'T TELL ME,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

LOOK.

I TOLD YOU.

I TOLD YOU HE'D COME CRAWLING
BACK ON HIS KNEES.

IS THAT WHAT HE'S DOING?

OF COURSE...
HE'S UNDER ARREST, ISN'T HE?

SO, HE BUSTED OUT JUST TO COME
LOOK FOR ME.

I KNEW HE'D DO SOMETHING.
HE'S INSANELY JEALOUS.

NOW, DON'T LET HIM CUT IN...
HE'LL TRY, BUT DON'T LET HIM.

AS YOU WISH, MY DEAR.

OH, NO, LET HIM SEE US.

WELL, HELLO.

I'M SORRY, I DO NOT WISH TO
SPEAK TO YOU.

WELL, SPLENDID.

THANKS.

AND I VERY MUCH RESENT YOUR
FOLLOWING ME HERE.

WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT
THIS IS WHERE I'M LIVING.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU CARE SO MUCH?

I HAD HOPED YOU WOULDN'T.

DON'T BE SILLY.

I NEVER WANTED
TO BE AN ARMY WIFE.

AND I NEVER WANTED
TO BOSSED AND POOR.

CARIDA, WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM?

BECAUSE I'M DUMB.

I'M SO DUMB THAT I FELL FOR A...
A STUPID PHYSICAL ATTRACTION

THAT MAKES ME FURIOUS EVERY TIME
I THINK OF IT.

I, TOO, AM DISCONTENTED.

CARIDA, LISTEN TO ME.

I AM RICH, I AM HANDSOME,
I AM TALENTED.

I WOULD MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING?

BUT I'M NOT EVEN DIVORCED,
ANTONIO.

DON'T MAKE ME ANSWER YOU NOW.

YOU HAVE ANSWERED ME.

OH, BUT I HAVEN'T.

I...I'M UPSET,
I CAN'T THINK.

YES, I KNOW.

THE STUPID PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

HOW STUPID IT CAN BE.

ANTONIO, I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

JOE, YOUR WIFE IS SPYING ON US.

WELL, GOOD FOR HER.

VERY ENCOURAGING.

SHE MUST THINK I'M A THREAT.

YOU KNOW DARN WELL
YOU'RE A THREAT.

- DO I?
- YEAH.

IN ANY CASE, LET'S KEEP HER
THINKING THAT WAY.

IS SHE THE ONLY REASON YOU
BROUGHT ME OUT HERE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I...I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH,
MARION.

LIKE ME? THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING
TO SAY TO A WOMAN.

YEAH, I KNOW.

WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT EXACTLY
THAT WAY.

THAT WAS THE REMARK OF A
PERMANENTLY MARRIED MAN.

NO, NOT NECESSARILY...
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

IF SHE DOES COME BACK TO ME,
IT'S GOING TO BE ON MY TERMS.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE
TONIGHT OR NEVER.

ANTONIO, DO YOU STILL WANT
TO MARRY ME?

OH, WITH ALL MY HEART.

OKAY, YOU HAVE A GREEN LIGHT.

YOU MEAN, YES?

YES, I MEAN YES.

DEAREST MAGGIE, MY HEART CANNOT
SPEAK IT...

IT WEEPS WITH JOY.

ANTONIO, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

KISS ME?

MY TREASURE.

ANTONIO, PLEASE, TRY IT AGAIN?

SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE WE SHALL
HAVE TOGETHER.

YOU BET.

ANTONIO, DO YOU MIND
IF I LEAVE YOU NOW?

I HAVE A TERRIBLE HEADACHE.

BUT, OF COURSE.

OF COURSE, MY DEAR, I
UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND, I'M SORRY.

ONE PAYS FAR TOO MUCH FOR
EVERYTHING, EVEN HAPPINESS.

GOOD NIGHT, MY TREASURE.

YOUR LIGHTS WERE STILL ON,
SO I THOUGHT I'D COME IN.

ANY DEVELOPMENTS?

NO, IT DOESN'T SEEM SO.

INCIDENTALLY, I THOUGHT OF
A WAY TO GET YOU OUT

FROM UNDER YOUR CAR DEAL.

YOU DID? HOW?

WE'LL HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE,
AND I'LL UNFOLD THE PLOT, HMM?

PSST, PSST.
OH, PARDON.

COULD YOU TELL ME WERE SERGEANT
FITZPATRICK'S ROOM IS?

NO COMPRENDO, SEÑORITA.

OH, UNO MOMENTO,

LA SALA ES SERGEANTE
FITZPATRICK, DONDE ES?

SERGEANT FITZ...

SOLDADO.

AH, SOLDADO. SI, SI, SEÑORITA,
POR FAVOR.

AQUI ESTA, SEÑORITA.

GRACIAS.

DE NADA.

BUENOS NOCHES.

BUENOS NOCHES.

JOE?

JOE, I WAS WRONG,
TERRIBLY WRONG.

SWEETHEART, YOU CAN CLOUD MY
JUDGMENT ANY TIME YOU WANT TO.

DARLING, I'LL CHANGE.
I PROMISE I WILL.

JOE, SAY YOU FORGIVE ME.

IT'S NO USE BEING STUBBORN.

I'LL MAKE YOU FORGIVE ME.

I'LL MAKE YOU, MAKE YOU.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

NOW, SHH, PLEASE, QUIET.

SHH!

YOU'LL BRING EVERYBODY IN HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS BED?

I WAS SLEEPING.

WHY HERE?

MY HOSTESS PUT ME HERE.

MY GOODNESS, IS THAT YOUR DRESS?

YES...I THOUGHT THIS WAS
SOMEBODY ELSE'S ROOM.

WELL, IT'S NOT.

THAT'S OBVIOUS!

WELL, I WISH IT WAS OBVIOUS
BEFORE YOU CAME IN HERE.

OH, KEEP QUIET, I'M THINKING.

DO YOU KNOW THE BUTLER HERE?

MADAM, THIS IS NO TIME
FOR SMALL TALK.

I'VE GOT TO FIND THE RIGHT ROOM.

WELL, FIND IT,
BUT GET OUT OF MY BED.

HOW DARE YOU!

I'M NOT DRESSED.

I AM AWARE OF THAT FACT.

AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CORRECT
THAT STATE.

SOMEONE CALL?

OH, PARDON US.

NOW, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
COME BACK.

COME BACK HERE, PLEASE.

CONGRESSMEN!

HOW ARE WE GOING TO WORD THIS IN
A REPORT?

I'LL WORD IT FOR YOU.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, CONGRESSMEN,
I WANT TO EXPLAIN THIS.

COME BACK HERE, DAMMIT!

TIM, TIM, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHY ARE YOU DOING
ALL THIS NOISE?

WILL YOU PLEASE
GET THAT WOMAN...

WHAT WOMAN?

UH, NOTHING, NOBODY.

WELL, I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE UP,

THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT TO
DISCUSS WITH YOU.

COME ON, JOE, COME.

NO! NO, NO, NO--

NO, SOME OTHER TIME, MARION.

THIS IS ONLY GOING
TO TAKE A MINUTE, NOW, LOOK...

WAIT A MINUTE, FITZPATRICK,
WAIT.

IN THE HALL,
WE CAN TALK IN THE HALL.

DON'T BE SO SILLY,
WHY IN THE HALL?

WE'LL WAKE UP PEOPLE.

WAKE UP PEOPLE?

NO ONE CARED ABOUT WAKING ME UP.

WELL, YOU'RE ALREADY UP.

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

ATTENTION!

YES, SIR?

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO
IS STAND AT ATTENTION.

- FORWARD, MARCH!
- SIR?

FORWARD, MARCH.

ODD TIME OF THE NIGHT
TO DRILL TROOPS.

HALT.

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING,
AND TOO MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN DRINKING,
AND TOO MUCH.

LET ME SLEEP IT OFF.

GO AWAY, WE'LL DISCUSS THIS IN
THE MORNING.

NOW, LOOK, ALL I WANTED TO SAY
IS THAT

YOU OUGHT TO GIVE TWO WEEKS'
LEAVE TO SERGEANT FITZPATRICK.

IF YOU BOTH WILL GET OUT OF
HERE, I WILL GIVE HIM

TWO YEARS' LEAVE.

LEFT FACE!

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE
LEAVE IS FOR?

NO, NO, MARION, I DON'T.

EYES FRONT!

NOW, STOP THAT.

NOW, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

HE'S REALLY IN REAL TROUBLE.

AND YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO NICE
TO PEOPLE IN TROUBLE.

I STILL AM.

NEVER MORE SO THAN...

LEFT FACE!

FORWARD, MARCH.

TURN LEFT MARCH.

HALT, AND STAY THERE.

NOW, THEN, WILL YOU LISTEN?

LET JOE SEND HIS CAR
DOWN TO TANGIERS.

THERE'S NO REGULATION AGAINST
SELLING IT THERE.

LET HIM GET RID OF IT, PAY OFF
THE GOVERNMENT,

AND THERE IS THE END OF THE
WHOLE MESS.

WHERE IS SHE?

I MUST KNOW, WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S NOT IN HER BED!

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- WHERE IS SHE?

NOW, WHAT IS ALL THIS?

HOW DO YOU KNOW
SHE'S NOT IN HER BED?

BECAUSE I LOOKED.

YOU WERE IN MY WIFE'S BEDROOM?

SHE IS MY FIANCÉE.

WELL, SHE MAY BE YOUR FIANCÉE,
BUT SHE'S MY WIFE.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO
STRIKE ME WHEN I AM ALERT.

MAGGIE?

YOU'LL PARDON MY NOT GETTING UP.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

JOE.

WAIT A MINUTE, SERGEANT,
YOU CAN'T WALK OUT ON THIS.

SERGEANT, YOU HALT.

NOW, LOOK, LET'S NOT MAKE A
SCANDAL OUT OF THIS.

IT'S A SILLY MISTAKE
AND THAT IS ALL.

YOUR WIFE MISTOOK MY ROOM FOR
SOMEONE ELSE'S.

YOURS, JOE,
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOURS.

NOT SO, YOU WERE LOOKING
FOR ME, FOR SORIANO.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
YOU'RE MY FIANCÉE?

OH PLEASE,
LEAVE ME ALONE, ANTONIO.

BUT YOU'RE MINE.

TONY, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
GIVEN A MORE INTERESTING PARTY.

OH, JOE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I DON'T CARE
ABOUT BEING RICH ANYMORE.

AND I DON'T CARE
ABOUT A CAR ANYMORE.

I JUST WANT YOU.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU GOT YOUR
DRESS ON BACK TO FRONT FOR?

WELL, I TOOK IT OFF
FOR THE GENERAL.

DON'T SAY A THING LIKE THAT.

'CUZ I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU, JOE.

AND THAT IS THE WHOLE STORY.

AND I WANT IT EXPLAINED IN
COMPLETE DETAIL

TO THOSE TWO CONGRESSMEN.

I'D LIKE A FEW DETAILS
EXPLAINED TO ME.

I ASSURE YOU, NOTHING HAS BEEN
OMITTED FROM YOUR WIFE'S REPORT.

OH, JOE, BE FAIR.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

SERGEANT?

ALL RIGHT, GENERAL.

THANK YOU, SERGEANT.

OH, JOE.

JOE, SAY SOMETHING NICE.

JOE. JOE, YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE
ME BACK, AREN'T YOU?

WELL, MAYBE.

PLEASE.

MAGGIE, IF I DO TAKE YOU BACK,
IT'S GOING TO BE ON MY TERMS.

OH, ANYTHING YOU SAY, JOE,
ANYTHING YOU SAY.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY IT
FOR ONE MONTH.

BUT NOT AS MAN AND WIFE.
STRICTLY PLATONIC.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

YOU BET YOUR LIFE I'M KIDDING.

JOE!