All language subtitles for In.The.Army.Now.1994.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-SiGMA_track3_[eng]

Well,
uh, here's lookin'
at you, pilgrim.

So, Jack, this is good.

What are we gonna do tonight?

Oh, you know what?
I was gonna ask you.
What?

Can Gabriella hook me up
with her, uh...

Oh, you know what?
She's got this new friend

she met the other day
at the mall.

- Her name is Rosa.
- Yeah? Hook me up.

Yeah, she's Spanish. Espanol.
Hook me up.
Si, si, senor.

But the only thing...
Wow, watch out for that.

The only thing is,
Rosa, she's kind of dumb.
She's kinda...

Watch out for the water!
Water, water! Ahh!

Whoa!

She's kinda like,
she's kinda like large.

That's good for me.

Bones, look out! You're gonna
get killed, right there.

If it's too hot
for ya, son, get
outta the kitchen.

This is war.
No room for
the faint of heart.

When you're in
the heat of battle,
and you lean down

and put your hand
in a puddle of goo,

that two seconds before
was your friend's face,

that is war, son,
now that is war!

This right here?
Well, this is just a game.

Look at this road
right here. See that?
Hop it.

Yeah. Boom! Watch this.
You're doin' great.

That's nice.
See how I just
blew all those guys?

Look. Now there's
the thing.

Look up!
Look up! Look up!

No, on the...
Oh.

Game over.
You are dead.

Shouldn't we
get back to work?

I'm working.
Look, I'm testing
out new products.

What are you
so paranoid for, anyways?

Pretty soon we're gonna
have our own store.

Look, Quinn's gonna
fire your ass
from this place.

Do you think I'm scared
of that... What is he?

He looks like a Lurch.

"Hey, I'm Quinn."

Are you
afraid of him?
No.

Bones?

Quinn's
lookin' for you.

I told him you
were playin' video games.

Hold this, okay?
I gotta do somethin'.

Oh, yeah,
you're not afraid, huh?

This is all for you.
See all the money I'm savin'?

Wow, Quinn, look at you!
You're lookin' fantastic!

Is that a new suit?
It's got to be Armani.

Oh, it's J.C. Penney.

At least
you wear it well.

Is that Brut I smell?

What did we say about
leaving the sales floor?

You told me not to,
and I won't.

If this place catches fire,
I'm sellin' tape decks
to the firemen.

You're not selling
anything to anybody!

That's why we're
letting you go.
Where?

Home.
No, no, no, no, Quinn.
Hey, hey, you can't fire me.

C'mon! I'm a Crazy Boy!
I'm a dedicated Crazy Boy.

Bones, let's not
drag this out.

Look, Quinn, hey look.
C'mon. Please.

I mean,
my rent's due.

My mom, she needs another
tummy tuck. Please. Come on...

No, Bones.
No, not this time.

Please, there's
a lot of personal...

Please don't
let me...

Please don't let me go, Quinn.
I could be crazier.

Let go of my leg!

I could be totally insane!

- Bones, let go of my leg.
- Bones, you have a customer waiting.

You'll have
to excuse me, Mr. Quinn.
I have a customer,

a customer who evidently
asked for me by name.

Hi! May I
help you, miss?

Yes. You sold me this
Watchman last week,

and, uh, I'm afraid
I have to return it.

See, I knew
you'd be returning it.

It's too small.
It'll ruin your eyesight.

And besides, I could tell
the one you really want
is this one.

This is our
top-of-the-line.

Our very best
35" projection stereo
color monitor,

with advanced
super-digital P-in-P.

I'm sorry.
That's way out of my price range.

Not with our $200 rebate,
no money down,

ten-month deferred,
64-month layaway plan.

You ask yourself,
"How could it be?"
Right?

♪ Because-a we're-a
Crazy Boys! ♪

Sorry, they make
us do that.

That's a very
nice offer,
but this is just a...

Plus this screen, though,
it promotes good eyesight.

Really?
Uh-huh.

Four out of five optometrists
recommend it.

Okay, I'll take it.

Okay, fantastic.
Here you go.

I'm gonna take this
to the cashier,

and I'm gonna
arrange everything.

Thank you very much.

...you're needed for
a carryout.

Huh?

Hmm? C'mon. Am I not
still a Crazy Boy?

That is Brut I smell,
you pervert.

Bones!

C'mon.

Shh. Coming.

Friends
of both parties...

Have been making
frequent appearances
at the courthouse all day...

Gabriella,
you were outstanding.

Yeah, right.
This is the last time

I save your butt, okay?

I work too, you know.
I know. It was an emergency.

The guy was about
to fire me.

It's always an emergency.

They better take
that TV back.
They're gonna take it back.

Now, how 'bout just
giving your little
Italian sausage man

a little kissy-pooh?

The U.S. has
issued strong warnings...

You are so
irresponsible!

Can't you be
serious for one minute?

Okay, I'll be serious.
Let's get naked.

Not now! Not here!

Why? Don't you
love me anymore?

Yes.
Yes. Of course I love you.

Yeah, but look, your boss
is gonna catch us.
Come on, a little...

I don't care about
that perverted fatso
in a J.C. Penney suit.

Bones!

Jack, turn it off!
Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Well, uh...

I can't believe
he actually fired us.

Oh, come on, Bones,
we blew up 22 TV sets.

Yeah, but don't those things
come with warranties?

I'm sorry, man.
You know, I didn't realize

Quinn could see you
in all of those TVs.

No problemo,
my friend.

I was sick of gettin'
down on my knees
for that guy, anyway.

Whoa! Bones,
I had no idea.

Begging for my job.

I know. I know.

You know what, Jack?
This is amazing.
You know what this does?

Yeah.
This brings us
one step closer

to the store.

No, no, no.
What this does is it
brings us one step closer

to living in the dumpster.

How are we gonna get rent
for the store if we don't
have rent for our apartment?

Excuse me.
Can we play through?

Yeah.

Sorry, we were
just discussing...

Hey!
Oh, my God!

Army!

Navy! Air Force!
Marines!

No.

Did you order a code red?
Answer me!

Did you order
a code red, man?

You want the truth?
You can't handle the truth.

Yay!
He's goofin' off.

C'mon, Bones.

Wow, that was my
Nicholson impression.
Good.

I do it sometimes
when I play golf.

Bones, c'mon, man!
I couldn't help myself.
I'm sorry.

When you join the Army,
is it true you have to give
your whole life away?

Nah. It's nothin'
like that with us.
We're in the Reserves.

What's that?

Let's just get
this straight here.

After our
basic training,

we owe you two weeks a year
and one weekend a month

for which we get paid.

And on top of it,
you're gonna throw in
$2,500 just for signing up?

Basically, yes.

Wow! Then how come everybody
isn't in the Reserves?

Do people actually know
about this stuff?

Well, we do try
to advertise.

Oh, yeah. Um,
"It's not a job,
it's an adventure."

No, that's the Navy.

"The few and the proud?"
No, that's
the Marines.

Hmm. "Keep going,
going and gone?"

No, no. That's the,
um, Energizer bunny.
Gentlemen.

We're, "Be all you can be."

Yeah.

You need us,
and we need you.

It's a win-win
situation.

I got one more
question. Could I get a pen?

Oh, no. Actually, could
we just have a second...

Uh, amongst ourselves?
Certainly.

Take all the time
you need.

Just hold that ballpoint.

- Just one...
- Come here.

This is insane!
"Why doesn't everybody join?"

Weren't you listening
to him in there?

Shh.

It's like joining
a health spa,
only they pay us.

Oh, my God.
You're going nuts.
We are the beneficiaries.

We get a guaranteed check
for eight years,

and a special skill.

A special skill?
Yeah, yeah.

Look at the pamphlets.
Yeah, here we go.

"Land Combat
Missile Op?"
Opportunities!

"Tactical
Fire Specialist?"

You heard him talkin'
about combat pay, right?

You know, you have to be
in combat to get paid
for that, right?

He said Reserves
aren't called up unless
there's a major conflict.

When was the
last war, huh?
Yeah!

World War II?

No!
Twenty years ago.

Have you ever heard
of Vietnam, huh?

Desert Storm? No?
No. Uh-uh.

What?
I'm kidding.
Gimme the brochure.

We're gonna go to
the Unemployment Office.
No, just let me see it.

Let me just check.
"Tank Turret Repair,
Land Mining Specialist."

"Water purification?"
Water purification!

That's it.
What?

Water purification.
I'm telling you,
it's a snap.

My brother's
a pool man.

Hey, look, you take
dirty water and you
make it clean.

How hard can that be?
I don't know.

And, hey, if there is a war,
what are we gonna
go in there with?

Water balloons?

That's... I mean...
But, but...
Jack.

Yeah?
This is for
our future, okay?

If we can sign up now,
we get a guaranteed check
for $2,500.

If you times that
times two... Wow!

That's $6,000.
That's nice.

I know. Yeah.
It's a nice
chunk of change. Huh?

But, hey.

This is for our store.

Yeah.
Look, I'll even
give you first billing.

No, you don't have
to do that.
No, no, no.

"Jack's and Bones'
Palace of Stereos."
Oh...

Let's just do it.
All right. All right.
all right. Let's do it.

Oh, yes!

Hi. Um...

See, everybody knows me
for my hair.

What I need
you to do is just,

just a little bit
on the side.

Not a whole bunch.
Kinda keep it like
it's still...

I'd like to see you
in something short but sassy.

A real '90s look.

Something that works
as well on the rifle range
as it does in the disco.

Okay. That's perfect.

All right.

Does my head...

I mean, look at it.
I don't know. Yeah.

Does it look bigger
than it did...

I mean, do I look
like a baked potato?
Honestly?

Yeah, honestly.
It... It looks great.
It really does.

Really! Really?
Really!

It looks macho.

All right!

Look at these, man.
Look at these.

Army issued.
See, I think
those are unique.

Idiotic!
No, those are unique.

See, you're distinctive.
No one has them.
Really?

You're king.
One of a kind.
All right!

They broke the mold
when they made you, Jack.

Bones, I can't...
I can't do it!

Jack, come on.
I can't do it, man!
I can't do it.

This is just like
your childhood, remember?

Yeah, yeah.
You're right, you're right.

That guy is exactly
like my dad.

See? Come on!

Wait a minute, though!
My childhood sucked!

No, I can't do it, man.
I can't...

I can't handle
being yelled at by some
muscle-bound drill sergeant.

No, man.
I can't do it.

Get the hell off
the truck!

Oh, whoa.

She can drill me anytime.

On the double, right now!
Come on!

Move it! Move it!
Hello, Sweet Pants.

Get down here!
Get down!

Oh, rough stuff. Hi.

And take those
glasses off!

What'd you think? You're
on some beach or somethin'?
No.

What's your
name, Private?

Bones Conway,
reportin' for duty, sir!

All right!

I mean, ma'am,
sergeant, whatever.

You will address me
as Drill Sergeant.

Do you understand?

Yes, but you don't need
to yell, 'cause look,
I'm standing right here.

I'm not yellin'
at you, Private.

Drill sergeants
do not yell.

We simply speak
in a voice loud enough

so everyone can hear.

That way we all learn
from each other's mistakes.

Oh, okay.
Thanks for explaining it.

From here on out,
your butt is mine.

You will obey
every order

without question!

Grunt!

Oh, you're
a funny boy, huh?

Cutie pie, right?

Well, I don't know ya,
but I don't even like ya.

And I make it
my personal mission

to turn you into a soldier.

For the next eight weeks,

I'll be all over your butt
like white on rice!

Is that a promise?

Give me 20!

Well, my wallet...
Here, hold these.
Drop and give me 20!

Boy, you better get on
the ground and give me
them push-ups.

It's been a while.

All the way
up and down, right?

Pump!
Pump.

One!

Is that good?

Get up! Get up!

Everybody up!

On your feet.
Off the racks right now,
sleepin' beauties.

Get your butt
off that rack.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Get up!
I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up!

Extend to the left!

Extend to the left!

Forward!

All right,
Privates, on command
begin like the last drills.

Run in place.
When I say go. Go!

Jack?
Yeah?

Where'd the sun go?

There is no sun
anymore, Bones.

The sun is gone.

We died, and this is hell.

Oh, okay. Thanks
for explaining it.

Private, you've got
that weapon around backwards.

Oh. Thanks.

See the picture on
the front of this weapon?
Mmm-hmm.

It's put there
for Privates like you.

It's idiot proof.

Seven, Drill Sergeant!

The gig line runs down
the seam of your shirt,

through the edge of
your belt buckle, down
the seam of your zipper.

This is a
straight gig line.

See it,

learn it,

do it.

From here on out,
anyone without
a straight gig line

will have
to answer to me.

Conway, what
the hell is this?

Drill Sergeant,
I guess my gig line
needs straightening, huh?

Ah!

Oh!

Thank you,
Drill Sergeant!

Don't thank me.
Thank your recruiter.

Come on, boy! Come on!
You can't do it!

I know you
can't do it!

There are two types
of bayonet fighters,
the quick and the dead.

- What are you?
- Quick!

What are they?
Dead!

What are you?
Quick!

What are they?
Dead!

What are you?
Quick!

What are they?
Dead!

- Any volunteers?
- Yeah!

What are you, crazy?
I sure am.

I'm a crazy boy!

Hello!

Conway.
Yes, ma'am.

Come here.
I'm on my way.

Mmm.

Hi.
Hit me.

Let's not fight.
Come here.

Hit me or
you'll be sorry!

I can't hit you.
You're a girl.

And...

I love you.

You got two seconds
to hit me.

Okay, but this
is gonna hurt.
Any other volunteer?

Oh!

Oh, shit! I'm sorry.
I was just gonna...

I'm gonna teach
you a lesson.

Never...

Drop...

Your guard.

Got it!

Can I please
throw up now?

Get up! Pump! Get mad.

Yeah, you get mad, you!
Get mad!
Thirty-eight, Drill Sergeant!

Now, listen to me
very carefully, Private.

This is exactly the
same as practice,

but this is
a real, live grenade.

I want you to do exactly
as you've been trained.

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

When I give the command
to execute,

I want you to drop the pin,
throw the grenade.

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

Drop the pin,
throw the grenade.

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

Execute.

Move it!

Help! Help!

Thanks, Drill Sergeant.
You saved my life.

I owe you one.

No, you owe me 50.

Fifty!

And that I will
obey the orders

of the President
of the United States.

And I will obey
the orders of the President
of the United States.

And the orders of the officers
appointed over me.

And the orders
of the officers
appointed over me.

According to regulations...

According to
regulations...

And the uniform code
of military justice.

And the uniform code
of military justice.

So help me God.

So help me God.

You look great!
Nice to meet you.
Bye.

Be good. Take care. Bye.

Ah, it's the uniforms, man!
I know.

Private Conway!

Never thought I'd say this,
but I think I've done
the impossible...

I've turned you
into soldiers.

Thank you,
Drill Sergeant.

Carry on.

Uh, is this, uh,
unit 341?
That's us, soldier.

Hey, Bones Conway, here.
This is my partner Jack.

Hi. Christine.

Nice to meet you. Looks like
we'll be working together.
Good.

Christine, a la
G.I. Jane, right?

What brings a pretty
little lady like you
to water purification?

I wanted infantry,
but until they ax that crap

about women not being
allowed in combat,

I'll just have to settle
for kickin' your little butt.

Oh!

That would be nice.

Feisty one, huh?
I like that.

Shut up.

I'm gonna have
to kill your friend.

Hey, Bones Conway.

- Hey, Fred Ostroff.
- Good to meet you.

- You okay, Fred?
- Oh, man, I'm fine.

Thanks.
Thank you.

So, uh, what do you do
when you don't purify water?

Well, I'm goin'
into my final year
of dental school.

- Wow.
- Now that is great.

No, it's not.
Why?

Did you know that
dentists are more feared

and loathed than
any other profession?

That's including lawyers.

No. See, I don't think
people hate dentists.

It's just the sound
of that drill.

Yeah. And then they
stick that sucking thing

in the back of your
mouth like this.

And the nurse says,
"I'll be right back."

Then they jam those
cardboard x-ray things.

And then they...

And you know when there's...
you have a cavity, they take
that pointy thing and they...

All right?

The nurse leaves,
and she goes to lunch.

And she jams it
back there, right?

Meanwhile, there is
a lead apron, right,
on the thing,

and you're sitting
there like...

Can somebody...
Help me?

See, see? That's what
I'm talkin' about.

If you don't want
to talk about it, it's okay.

Oh, no, no, no. It's good.
We should talk about it,

'cause my therapist said
that I need to get it out.

Kinda like
an emotional enema.

So we talked about it
and said,

"Why not join
the Army Reserve?"

"Be all that you can be..."
On the weekends.

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe it'd help me to face
those things in my life
that I'm most afraid of.

And what are
you afraid of?

Uh...

Well, I'd have to say,
uh, damn near everything.

Floss?
Hey!

Keep it.

Good morning.

Purifying our water is one of
the most vital operations

in the military.

It is absolutely vital

that you know your
equipment inside and out.

Two soldiers must man
the hose at all times.

This is for your
own safety, people.

Okay!

Never lose control
of your hose.

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

After careful training,
you will be able to produce

potable water from
the most disgusting, swampy,

parasite-infected,
diseased water.
Hey, guys!

Look. It's our first glass
of purified water.

All right!

Go for it, man.
Try it.

Nah, I'm not gonna try.

Here, you try it.
I'm not gonna try it.

We should get Christine.

Yeah!
She'll taste anything.

I'm not gonna try it.

Oh, let's get Freddy.

- Okay.
- Oh, Freddy!

No, thanks. I'm allergic.
It'll make me break out.

Well, then,
who's gonna try it?

Who's the leader
of this outfit?

He is.

Son, I've been doin'
this for a long time,
and I gotta say,

this is the best damn
glass of purified water
I ever had.

Congratulations!

Keep this up, and
I'll be puttin' you in
for Private First Class.

Thank you, Sergeant.

But I could not
have done it without
the inspirational guidance

of my brother,
the pool man!

Be right back, honey.

Excuse me.

Better go freshen up.

You're not gonna follow me
into the bathroom, Bones.

- No, come on. Bye.
- Oh, baby.

Speak-a French
and Italiano.

Bones!

Put your
clothes back on.

Come on. He hasn't seen
you in eight weeks.

Yeah!

Honey!
Look what I did for you.
The Army did this.

You look buff.
I know.

Did you miss me?
Of course I did.

Uh, oh...

Honey, wait, wait.
Hold it here a second.
Listen, hey!

We're in the middle
of a party.

Your friends might come in.
That'd be cool.

I don't think.
I think it's very rude

if we stay here more
than a couple minutes.

Two minutes? That's perfect.
Uh-huh.

I look to be
cuddled afterwards.

Mmm.

Hold that thought.

Somebody better be dead.
Hello.

This is
an official message.

I saw a flock of wild geese
migrating south.

I say again, the geese
are migrating south.

Yeah? Well, uh, my goose
is about to lay a golden egg.

So, you're gonna have to
cruise the south solo, okay?
Have a nice flight.

Who was it?
Someone who's
into birds.

What?
I don't know.
Caw, caw!

Look, you saw the goose.
I'm the walrus
and Paul is dead.

And I'm tryin' to bury
my beak here,
so give it a rest!

All right,
that's it.

Jack!

Get the phone.
Who is it?

It's a freak calling about
wild geese migrating.

Hello.
Bones!

What... No, just don't.
Christine, don't. Look.

Which way?

Who cares?

North or south?

South.

Yes! Yes, yes!

What?

You guys,
don't you remember?

About the code?

So that if we got called up
for active duty then we
would know it was for real.

It's gotta be a mistake.
It's gotta be Chad.

Hello, Mama?
It's Frederick.

Uh, you sittin' down?

Chad is an African country,
the one that Libya's
about to invade.

Uh, turn off the music.

Do you remember
when you told me

that every Black man
should visit the motherland?

Bones, why do you think
I chose water purification?

Mmm, is your brother
a pool man?
No.

It's because Chad
is in a desert.

And water purification
is the Reserve occupation

most likely to be called up
if there's a desert war.

And there's a desert war,
and we're going!

Mmm. That's it, Bones.
I'm gonna kill you.

You gotta relax here.

Okay? I'm gonna get
us outta this one.

Trust me.

At ease.

Sir, I know
we're going to Chad,

but there's something
you need to know
about Jack and I

before we go, sir.

Yes?

Uh, Bones and I
are very close friends.

Very.
Oh, I see.

In that case, boys, I guess
you're not going to Chad.

Sorry to
disappoint you, sir.

Uh, just one thing.

Mmm-hmm. Anything.

Kiss 'im.

'Scuse me?

Kiss your friend.

You don't have a problem
with that now, do ya?

Oh, no.
Uh-uh.

He kisses me every day.

Just do it.

Oh, shit.
Is it hot in Chad?

As the Libyan raids
against U.N. forces

near the border continue,

this U.S. force
is being readied

to deter the invasion

threatened
by the Libyan leader

in his television broadcast
last night.

As the buildup
here continues,

the first Army Reserve units
arrived here today.

These units will aid
in the supply...
Hello, Mama.

...and logistical support
of the growing
U.S. presence here.

These troops
are in high spirits,
and the morale is high.

And their hopes are high
that this mission...
All right, soldiers, let's go!

...will remain
a peaceful one.

Reporting live from Chad
for Worldwide News Report,

this is Stu Krieger.

I am First Sergeant
Brandon T. Williams.

It is my intention to run
this company like a clock.

If one gear slips in my clock,
my clock'll
tell the wrong time.

If one spring is loose
in my clock, my clock'll
tell the wrong time.

First Sergeant Williams
likes his clock
to tell the right time.

Do you understand me?

Yes, First Sergeant!

What did he just say?

I don't know. Something
about his clock being broken.

Have my words
fallen upon deaf ears?

Yes, Sergeant!
I mean, no, Sergeant.

Don't you know
I'm your First Sergeant?

Well, actually,
I wish you were
my First Sergeant,

but I already had
a couple ones already.

Drop
and give me push-ups!

You will continue
to do push-ups

until you learn to address
me as First Sergeant,

is that clear?

Yes, First Sergeant!
Count off!

One, First Sergeant.
Two, First Sergeant.

Three, First Sergeant.
Four, First Sergeant.

Five, First Sergeant.
Six, First Sergeant.
Don't eyeball me.

Seven, First Sergeant.
Eight, First Sergeant.
Nine, First Sergeant.

10, First Sergeant.
11, First Sergeant.
12, First Sergeant.

13, First Sergeant.
14, First Sergeant.

123, First Sergeant.
124, First Sergeant.

125, First Sergeant.
That's enough.
On your feet!

Son, I bet you did a
lot of push-ups

when you were in
basic training, didn't you?

Yes, First Sergeant.
Well, you just did
your last push-up, soldier.

I will never ask you
to do another.

Thank you,
First Sergeant.

You just graduated
to peelin' potatoes.

6,543, First Sergeant.

6,544, First Sergeant.

Oh, First Sergeant.
6,545, First Sergeant.
Ooh.

Six thousand, one...
600,000,

5,452, First Sergeant.

Shit, I lost count.

Wait, we got it!
We got it! We got it! Look!

That's my butt!

Good one, Bones.

- Stop it!

Oh, cool, look.
Hey.

It's a sunroof.

Oh, look.

Gabriella tucked a little note
into my duffel bag.

- Aw!
- Yeah.

"Dear Bones,
by the time you read this
I will already be..."

What? "I will already be
in Milan with Guido."

Oh, she dumped ya.
Sorry, Bones.

I must say, this guy
sounds really nice.

He's got a villa
right on the Adriatic Sea.

Jack, don't rub it in.

No, no.
You're better off.

She's a horrible speller.
There's only one "S"
in loser. Look at that.

And, "Immaturish"?
I don't even think
that's a word.

Gabriella, she...
She broke my heart.

Sorry.

Well, fortunately,
I'm too shallow
to stay bummed for too long.

I'll take that.

Mmm.

Uh, would you mind turning
the light off please, Jack?

Oh, yeah.

Fred, you checked your bag
for scorpions. Right?

For scorpions?

He's messing
with you, Fred.

No, I'm not.

Chad is the scorpion capital
of the world.

Yep, Fred.
They're big ones too.
'Bout as big as my fist.

They outnumber people
two to one.

And that margin grows
with every sting.

So, have a good
sleep, Fred.

Good night,
everybody.
Good night, Bones.

Night, Sue Ellen.

Night, John Boy.

Scorpions!

Yeah, right.

I got one.
I got one!

I got one.
I got one!

I got one.
I got one!

I got one.
I got one!

- I got one.
- I got one!

Very funny!

We're just tryin'
to help ya get over
your fears, Fred, really.

Fred, don't worry about it.
You come sleep with me.

I'd rather
take my chances with the
scorpion, thank you.

God, I hate this.

It's not that bad.
It's like camp.

Come on!

Shut up!

Don't eat the chicken.

Man, it tastes just like frog.
Are you... Can I...

Thanks. Enjoy.

Ready!
Go!

Who are they?

Special Forces.
Mmm.

14.11 seconds.

Damn! Try it again.

Go!
He's incredible.

Time me.

All right.

Go!

Shoo!
Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Where'd it hit?
Oh, that's not good.

What happened?
That is not good.

Oh, great.
He's comin' over.

Just... Just don't
look at 'im.

You lose somethin'?

Yeah, thanks.

You put it
in my lasagna.

You better call 911,
get an ambulance,

find a doctor,
order a toe tag...

...'cause I'm gonna
tear off your head

and spit it down your neck,
you understand me, boy?

Huh?

Hey! Hey!

You have to relax a little.
Take it easy.

We're in the middle of a war,
and we're on the same side.

Yeah, dude.

Would America
have won the Civil War

if Benjamin Franklin
did not get along
with Eleanor Roosevelt?

- Right on!
- A little knowledge.

A little knowledge
to parter.

Hmm?
Go ahead, man.

If our soldiers,
our American soldiers,

acted like this
in Desert Storm...

Saddam Hussein would
still be running Iraq.

Uh, what?

Excuse me.

So maybe we're a bunch
of Reservists fresh off
the plane, right?

It's obvious.
But you regular guys,

you've been here so long
that your brains are fried!

So I guess, what I'm
really trying to say is...

Come on, genius,
spit it out.

That doesn't mean
we all can't be friends...

Please.

There's only one problem
with you newbies.

Tell him
the truth man.

You don't eat enough.

No, that's, that's...

Attention!

As you were.

Son,

I bet the Mess Sergeant
could use a volunteer

to peel potatoes.

Yes, sir!

Can we count on you?

Yes, sir.

Carry on.

I happen to know,
on this base, there's not
one unpeeled potato.

I heard the, uh, Libyans
are already backing down,

and we're gonna be
outta here in two weeks.

Yeah?

Well, I hear they're sending
20,000 more troops,

and we're gonna be
here 'til Christmas.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hey! Wait!

Where you goin'?

It's not like
I got bad breath.

Help.

And until they comply
with U.N. resolution 991,

I don't think anybody's
goin' anywhere.

Uh, you're amazing,
Christine.

How do you keep up
with all that stuff?

Christine?

Christine?

All right,
quit screwin' around.

Chris, send some water
with this mud!

Chris!

Jack?

You...

Fred?

How's it feel to be dead,
water boy?

I don't know.
How does it feel
to be a dick, dick?

Dammit!
Where's my water?

There was none delivered
last night, First Sergeant.

Goddamn piece of shit
newbies.

How am I gonna run
a decent H.Q.
without my coffee?

That is truly
a pathetic sight.

Who perpetrated this?

Ow!

Who did this to you?

I can't tell you,
First Sergeant.

What? You have
too much honor?

No! I've been
threatened with death.

Untie these clowns,
and get me some water!

♪ I just love it
any ol' way

♪ I just love it
any ol' way ♪

I have an announcement.

Do you guys want your water,
'cause you're lookin'
a little bit crispy?

You better...
Oh, I know.
I know. I know.

Tell me if this is right.
I better call 976,
find a doctor

and tag an ambulance,
'cause you're gonna
tear off my toe

and spit down my head,
right?

Do you guys want
your water or not?

Sergeant!

Report to Captain Roberts.
You've got a mission.

Water boys,

report to
First Sergeant Williams,
you've got a mission too.

Listen up!
Captain Denby says

we're gonna resupply
the forward U.N.
peace-keeping base.

This is a very simple,
routine mission.

You will fall into line
in a very large,
very prepared convoy.

All you have to do
is follow the truck
in front of you.

When your troops get thirsty,
you will give them water.

Conway,
you look confused.

Are you sure
you wanna send us
to a forward area?

We're just water boys.
You are soldiers!

You will get in that convoy,
and you will be a credit
to the United States Army.

Is that clear?
Yes,
First Sergeant!

Then muscle your lollygaggin'
butts and move out!

Yes, First Sergeant!

Dammit!

Forget it.
They're gonna send
a tow truck.

Man, what I wouldn't do
for a double-meat,

chili cheeseburger
right now.

No, a margarita
on the rocks.

Mmm.

Or some fresh,
buttery Jiffy-Pop.

That's not popcorn, boys.

Hmm?

That convoy's
under attack.

Really?
I don't think so.

A maniac's shooting at us!

It's not a maniac.
It's the enemy!

What the hell
are you doing?
Surrendering!

Don't shoot!

Damn!

Nice goin', Christine.

Did you have to shoot
so close, huh? You scared
the shit outta me.

Well, excuse
me for livin'!

I was just tryin' to save
your worthless little life.

Christine,
are you aware that after
a near-death experience,

there's often
a desire to have sex?

Yeah, Jack.
That's right.

I feel it.
All right!

Just not with you...
Ever!

Got it?
Yeah. Got it.

I'm glad we could have
this little talk.

I didn't feel anything.

You guys,
let's get outta here
The truck's on fire!

Stay low. It's gonna...

...explode.

Where's Bones?

Hello!

Now rickity-tick
your mustering lollygaggin'.

Let's lollygaggin'
outta here!

Isn't the road
that way?

Takin' the shortcut.

Is there one?
Mm-hmm.

The road curves
around like this.

All we gotta do is
cut through the desert here,

and catch up with
the convoy over there.

Watch out! Come on!

I think I know
what I'm doing here.

I guess this is the wrong
time to tell you guys
I get very easily carsick.

Bones,
I don't see a road.

I have the best
sense of direction

of anyone you know.
The road's over there.

Three miles...
Maybe four.

Oh, yeah.
Maybe 10, maybe 20.

Maybe our truck
is sinking.

No!

Push!

Just forget it, okay?
Just shut it down.
We'll dig it out.

No, stand back.
Stand back.
I'm gonna rock it.

Will you quit?
It's not working.

You're sucking too much sand
into the air filter.

I order you
to shut it down now!

You order me?

Yeah, but I'm
Private First Class.

Okay?
I'm ordering you. Come on.

The only reason
you made...

Private First Class

is because your brother's
a pool man.

Huh? You happy?

Get off!
You happy?

Yeah, well, I hope you brought
your Triple "A" cards.

Let's see.

Oh! Well, look.
You cracked the block.

I could've done it
if you hadn't stopped me.

Yeah! You're
so full of it.

- You know what?
- Shut up!

We gotta figure out
what we're gonna do.

Why don't you just ask
our fearless leader here?

Private First Class Bones,
the one with
the highest rank.

All you had to do, Jack,
was just listen to me. Okay?
I was trying to...

All I've ever done is
listen to you, and look
where it's taken me.

Look! We're in
the middle of some
African hellhole

under a flesh-frying sun
with the sky filled
with vultures

ready to pluck out
my eyeballs.

Vultures don't come around
unless something's
about to die.

Are you ripping the sleeves
off your jacket?

Well, that's
gonna look sexy.

Jack, tomorrow we have to walk
away from this water truck.

We have two canteens
between us.

We're gonna fill
up the sleeves
of our jacket's with water

and then we
have more water.

Am I the only person
who paid attention
in survival class?

There's a scorpion
on my back!

There's a scorpion
on my back!

That's enough!

There's not a scorpion
on your back!

Uh-uh.

There is a scorpion
on my back!

Fred, there's nothing
on your back.

You keep on
imagining things.

Thank you.
I needed that.

I'm sorry I snapped.

Look, you don't
have to apologize.

You're right!

I see things
very clear now.

All right,
Fred!
Hey?

Look guys,
I want to apologize
to everybody. Okay?

He's okay.
I feel like
a brand-new man.

All right.
Now, can we
get some rest?

Okay.
Thank you.

What are you doing?

Just felt like going...

You're always playing!

Did you guys see that thing?
It was...

Follow me. I know
exactly where I'm goin'.

Trust me.

You guys, get down.
I see something. Get down!

It's a truck!
There's the road.
We are saved!

I told you I had
a flawless sense of direction.

What a coincidence!
That truck looks...

That looks like our truck.

Hey,
listen you guys. Hey.

I figured out
why we went in circles.

Do you remember
our map-reading class?

We didn't follow the sun!

Look, this stream
is due west.

All we have to do is walk away
from the sun in the morning,

and towards the sun in the
afternoon and we should
be there by nightfall.

So you're saying

we should risk being
dried up into human
jerky again...

...just to follow another one
of your half-baked plans.

I'm not saying
anything, okay?

I mean, I'm pretty sure
this is gonna work.

But since
I let us down before,

I say from here on in,

we put everything
to a vote.

We can't vote.

You order. We follow.

Okay, well, I order
us to vote.

That is not how
the Army goes. You have
to tell us what to do.

What if I'm wrong?

Then... We die.

I order us...

To do a sunbaked...
Plan thing.

We're dead.

Hey, guys,
just think of it
as a very long day...

...on a very big beach
in a very dry year.

Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.
It's the ocean.

I don't see anything.

What, are you blind?
The...The waves!

It's the ocean!

It's a mirage!

It is a mirage!

And there's Caesars.

And right across
the street is the
Barbary Coast

where you can
get a $3.99 buffet.

It's the ocean!
Come on!

Come on! Let's go!

Come on!
First one in!

Come on!

Here's a canteen.
Go get your boy
'cause he's buggin'.

Are you okay, man?
Are you okay? Here.

Take a sip.

Listen.

Look, Jack,
we got two choices...

One, we could put
your clothes back on,

we get ourselves
out of this mess.

Go back to Glendale.
Start up our own store.

Become rich and famous!

Or two, you can lie here
butt-naked and crust away,

leaving your skull to be found
by a young Arabic prince

that's gonna use it
for an ashtray.

You don't want that
in your head.

You make the call.
Come on, let's get outta here.

What do you say?
Come on.

Here. Here.

Here. Here.

Come on.

Come on.

Hey. Oh, Jack,
look at that ass!

Maybe you should stay naked,
get some sun on those cheeks.

What?

Oh, man, now
I'm seeing things.

The palm trees
right on the horizon.

Oh!
It's another mirage.

Oh, my God,
I see it too.
It's not a mirage.

Those are the palm trees!
It's the oasis!

Oh, man.
You saved our lives!

Where's my kiss?
Christine?

This stream
was due west. Right?

It was on the map, right?

Where's the water?

This is sand.

Nobody move.

There is a big snake
right by your feet.

Ah!

Thanks for
not movin', Jack.

Throw me the gun.

If you don't attack it,
it'll go away.

I, I don't want it
to go away.

I want to have it
for dinner.

Throw me the gun.

Ah!

You want some
of this, baby, huh?

There you go.
Come on!

Oh, oh...

Oh, no. Oh...

I'm still
gonna getcha!

You're gonna die, vermin!
I'll kill you!

Huh?
Shudda-budda-da-da-da!

Huh?

It's a win-win situation.

Would you look at that?

Water from
the bullet hole.

Water! Yeah!

Water! Water!

Fresh water!
I can't believe it!

Is it snake yet?

Depends how
you like it.
Well done!

He used to be
afraid of scorpions,
now he's eatin' snake!

That is impressive,
Fred.

I thought
we were all gonna die.

But you
pulled us through.

I don't know how,

but thank you.

That was, uh...

Pretty exceptional.

So what are you gonna do
if I get us rescued?

Um...

I will

take off all
your clothes,

tie you to the bed,

rub warm oil
all over your body,

from the bottom
of those feet to the
top of that head,

and proceed to have
the nastiest,

freakiest sex with you
that you have
ever imagined.

Wow.

Oh, that's it. Dammit!
I saw her first!

And look what happens!

The same thing that
happened with Gabriella.

I saw her first.

And Wanda Tushman.

In the third grade.
I saw her first!

And that girl in
Palm Springs that
turned out to be the guy.

I saw that thing
first, too.

You know
why I'm not just

strangling you right now?

'Cause you
can't cook a snake?

No.

Because no matter how long
we've been friends,

I never thought
you'd be the kind of guy
that would save our lives,

let alone kill a snake.

But you did.
Hey, man, thanks.

Yeah.

I think it's the U.N. flag.

We're saved!

Guys, Christine and I are
gonna need some time alone.

Sure, man!

...President in the situation
room of the White House today.

And the President
is scheduled to address

the nation tomorrow at
6:00 P.M. Eastern
Standard Time.

We will...
Welcome.

You are the reservists
from Glendale, California.
Correct?

According to W.N.R.,
you are presumed dead
in a truck explosion.

Um, where are we?

You are on a military base
well inside Libya.

That is all
you need to know.

Oh, I forgot to mention.

The war is
starting tomorrow.

How'd you know that?

American TV.

Your country is
expected to start bombing
our air bases tomorrow.

And when that happens,

we will unleash missiles
with chemical warheads
against your bases.

Consider yourself lucky
to be here.

Sleep well.

You know, this is fine.
It's like the time you
got us arrested in Tijuana.

Except we're in Libya.

And your dad's not gonna
pick us up here, brother.

Yo, aren't you guys
also American?

Ah, see. I see.

I was wounded and
I don't feel well.

Please sing a song
to comfort me.

Sing a song?
Any song!

They could hear you.

Oh,
because of the thing.

Oh, okay.

Sing.

My team was on
strategic recon.

Oh?

You know,
that's when you go
behind enemy lines.

And try to locate
their assets like
tanks and bunkers.

We were on our way
to a resupply drop
and we were ambushed.

The other guys
were killed.
Killed?

Use this to dig
around the base

of the bars
on the window.

I got one of them
loose already.

Escape?
What are you, crazy?

Look. It's the duty
of every POW
to try to escape.

We're in the
middle of a desert.

What good is it
gonna do for us to escape?

To complete the recon
mission, soldier.

The special operations
cargo plane was instructed
to make a supply drop

at a rendezvous point
about 15 K north of here.

If we can
get off this base,

I can get us to
the rendezvous point.

You're insane. Okay,
the Libyans are gonna
launch chemical weapons.

We're much safer here.

No. I'm a soldier,
and I got a job to do.

And so are you.

Now get to
work, Private.

Bones.
Ah-ah, ah-ha.

My heart.

You know what?

You didn't scare me.
I just felt like screaming.

Don't worry about it.
Most men think I'm scary.

So, you can't sleep, huh?

I'm too excited.

Excited? They might
torture us tomorrow.

They might
even kill us.

I know. It's just like
the night before Christmas.

Yeah, well at my house
we got presents.

I'm talking about
the anticipation.

We might die.
We, we, we might escape.

We don't know
what's gonna happen.

That's the coolest
thing in the world.

Most girls are into
horses and stuff.

You're weird.

Most men say that, too.

I like it.

You do?

Yeah. Horses are boring.

So...

...if I do get us out
of here and I will,

is it true what you said
about tying me up and
all the wild sex stuff?

Only if you kiss me again.

Okay, wait. Wait...

I think I got it.
Wait, look...
Wait, look at it.

You got it?
Yeah, look at it.

Stern?

Stern, you gotta wake up.
I can't turn the alarm off.

It's not an alarm.
It's an air-raid siren.

Oh, thank God!

I thought it was... I was
having another panic attack.

It's okay,
it's okay.

Yes.

Almost. Try it again.

Okay. Cross yo...

That was good.
Just a little more to
the left and you got 'em.

Yeah. You guys
just keep trying.

Do you guys realize
what we are doing right now?

This is a scene from
Pirates of the Caribbean.

All we need is that
mangy dog, right?

And we can go...

Quiet.
Just try it again.

Ah.

How much do you
love me?

Uh, I'm sorry,
I don't get it.

What is it with
us and trucks?

We get 'em, we break 'em,
we smash 'em, we crash 'em.

We run out of gas.
I don't get it!

Yes, yes, yes.
I understand that.

But we're not
getting tortured by

Babaga-douche
right now, okay?

No, instead we're lost
in the desert again.

Without food
and water. Again.

Stuck with this
Special Forces guy.

He can't even walk 'cause
he got his leg shot off.

Fred, we're free!

Yeah, and we're
gonna die free!

Or maybe not.

55 American dollars.

Then on top of it,
see this truck?

Serious, bona fide
Libyan Army

fighting machine.

And it's all part of
this amazing offer,
my friend.

I mean,
if you're lucky,

it might even have
a Kuwait track.

You can play
abu-dabu-da
stuff on it.

Huh? And you ask me,
how could it be?
Why such a deal?

Because we're crazy boys!

We're givin' it away!

Hmm?

You like this watch?

- Is it interesting?
- No, no, no.

Not the watch.
He likes it.

Come on. It's got
the faces of the moon
and a compass.

What? This has a compass?
Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, well, we've been
stuck in the desert
for three days,

and you're telling me
this watch has a compass.
Sorry.

Ooh, Jack, oh, you're gonna
get some noogies later.

I'm gonna just
pound you like this.

I forgot.
Yeah, well, uh...

Well, you're gonna forget
about your little watch here,
Jack, because it's gone!

Uh-huh? Here you go,
my friend.

Hey,
you guys. In my life

I've seen
a lot of camels' toes,

but I've never seen one
on a camel.

I think he's got a crush
on you, Bones.

Really? How can you tell?

'Cause he's been
nibblin' on your ears.
Yeah?

And licking
on your neck.

It's okay.

You're just a camel.

Our supply drop's
on the other side of
that Libyan base.

What Libyan base?

Bones, are you blind?

It's a Libyan base
covered with a camo tent.
What are you talking about?

I guess we're gonna
have to go around it.

Around what?

See that
Jeep right there?

Mmm-hmm,
I see the Jeep,
but I certainly don't...

Oh! You mean
that Libyan base,

the one under the camo tent!

I thought you guys
were talking about
some other Libyan base.

Will there be
medical supplies?

Medical supplies,
uniforms, food,
water, radio.

Everything you need.

Yeah,
but where is it?

It's supposed to
be right here.

Hey, you guys!
Come on!

Hey,
come on, you guys!
What is it?

Come on!

Yeah!

Hot Wheels!

Stern,
these things are intense!

No wonder people
join the Army.

♪ Be all that you can be

♪ You're in the Army ♪

What happened to him?

His leg looks
pretty bad.

I think it's infected
'cause he lost
a lot of blood.

But look at his gums!
They're fabulous, man.

Not a touch of gingivitis.
He's been flossing.

Yeah, but why is he
acting so wasted?
Oh, that's the morphine.

Absolutely!
The "morphine,"
the better.

Hello! Somebody
answer us, please!

You gotta believe us.
We're stuck out here
in the middle...

Please, just help us...

Get ahold of yourself,
soldier.

Oh, thank God, it's you!

Listen...
Don't say my name.

What did I say to you
when you first arrived
in Chad?

Uh, something about
your clock being broken.

Close enough.

Okay, calm down, son,

we're gonna
get you outta there.

Now listen carefully.

Your call sign
is now Glendale.

Our call sign
is now Burbank.

Did you recover the
fast-attack vehicles,
Glendale?

Oh, you mean
those dune buggies!

Yeah, those things
are intense.

Good. This equipment
was intended

for the Special Forces
team to carry out
a vital mission.

You are our only assets
on the ground

with the right equipment
in the right place.

Say what?

You have to
take over, Glendale.

Listen. Let me
explain something.

First of all, Sergeant,
we're water boys.

Okay, please...
You're soldiers first,
Glendale!

Now, listen up.

The Libyans have a mobile
scud launching base
right in your area.

These scuds are loaded
with chemical weapons

and targeted
at U.S. bases.

Our aerial photographs
haven't been able
to find 'em.

You want us to find 'em?
But what about Stern?

Stern can find 'em.
He'll be up pretty soon.
Stern?

Daddy, why can't I go
to ballet class?

Teacher says
I'm a natural.

These scuds can't be
spotted from the air

because of
heavy camouflage.

Camouflage?
Why didn't you say so
in the first place?

Listen, we saw the thing
this morning.

Stern wrote down
the coordinates.
Right, Stern?

We'll tell you where it is.
You guys can come here
and bomb the hell out of it!

Come on.
Send the Air Force.

It's not enough
to tell us.

You have to go
back there and paint it.

Paint it? Trust me.
It looks perfectly
fine the way it is.

I mean,
paint it with the laser.

The laser target designator.
It's in your equipment.

All you have to do
is return to that base,

point the laser at it,
and call me back
on the radio.

The Air Force
will do the rest.

You can be a mile away
in perfect safety.

All right.
Wait a minute.

- Chris? Get over here.
- What?

Bones, they can't
make us do anything.

We don't know
how to use this stuff.

Fred, you use lasers
in dentistry, right?

Uh-uh. I know
what's goin' on!
You're gonna try to

make the brother
hold the laser, right?

No. My laser was
a little, itty-bitty laser.

This is a big laser.
There's a difference.

Glendale?
Glendale!
Mmm-hmm. No.

Can't they just
evacuate the bases?

Or we can take an hour
out of our busy lives,

hop in these cool
dune buggies,

pop the base with the laser,
and let the Air Force blow
the hell out of it!

Now, you listen
to me, Glendale!

Please hold yourself
there one second.

I'm just trying to
have a moment
with my friends.

Is that okay?

Just have
a cup of java.
Please chill.

Fred, when you
first got here,

you were completely
freaked, right?
Yeah.

And now look at you. Huh?
You're a regular GI Joe.

A fightin' man
from head to toe!

And, Chris,
you wanted infantry.

Well, now's your chance.
Let's see what you've got.

And, Jack, my friend,
you were a complete screw-up.

But now look at you.
You're still a screw-up.

But if you did this
and you survived,

you'd have stuff
to tell your little
screw-up grandkids.

Basically, you guys,
up to a few months ago,

we were all a bunch
of minimum wage losers
from Glendale.

But this whole event
has changed our lives.

You know
who we owe it to?

This is something
we gotta do!

Come on!
Get on with it!

Chris, I know
you're with me.

Yeah, boy.

Fred, listen,
if you can't handle it,
I understand, man.

I can handle it.

Jack, what do you say, man?

Oh, I say...
I say you're crazy.

I think you're all nuts!

But you're the Private
First Class. I'm the Private.

And I'm gonna follow you,
my friend, wherever.

All right, you guys,
let's do this thing.

Kick it, man!

Stern, you ready?

Let's go, Bones!
I know, I know.

There's just
a little bit of business
I have to take care of.

Ah, you're gonna
have to go now.

You're gonna have to go
be all the camel
that you can be.

Bye.

All right, troops!

Let's go bust
some scuds!

All right.
Glendale to Burbank.
Come in.

I wish we had
cooler code names.

What was that, Glendale?

Nothing. I was just saying
that these code names suck.

Can I call you
General Sweet Pants?

You better remember
who you're talking to,
Glendale.

Are you in position?

Guy's got
no sense of humor.

Yeah, we can
see the target.

Have you painted it
with the laser?

Just did.

Good goin', Glendale.
The air strike
is inbound.

You should acquire
the target in seven minutes.

It is vital that you
do not take the
laser off the target

until the target
is destroyed.

Can you hold it there
for seven minutes?

I got it propped up here
on the rock! I can hold it
all day long. I'm good to go!

No problem, Burbank.

Good! Lay low.

And report any change
in situation.

We'll be standing by.
Out.

Come on!

Come on!

Tell me again
about the store.

Ah, the store.
It's gonna be great!

We're gonna have
our own room

where people can get
their feet massaged...

No!

Burbank!

Burbank, Burbank,
we're under attack!

Hold your
position, Glendale.

And keep that laser
on the target.

On the target?
We are the target!

Tell 'em to hurry up!

You better hurry.
We've got 60 pissed off
Libyans headin' towards us.

Stay with it!
Stay with it!

Let's get these guys,
Jack.
Come on.

Okay.

We know how
to do it.
All right.

This is for
the Glendale water boys!

Not bad, huh?
Whoo!

Reload.

Ah! Turn it!

Shit!

They missed.
Well, at least they
didn't blow up my head.

Great going, soldiers.
We knew you could do it.

Oh, Burbank?

I'm gonna find you
the biggest bottle of
champagne in Chad!

Yeah, well, don't pop
the cork yet.

The bombs missed.

The base wasn't hit.

You better send
another air strike
here and send it fast!

Wait one.

Glendale?

The back-up strike of
F-111s is being diverted
to your target.

E.T.A. three minutes.
Three minutes?
What, are you crazy?

We don't have three minutes.

In three minutes,
we're gonna be shish kebabs!

We're under
serious attack!

You'll have
to hold them.

Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.

You better get
the planes here sooner.

The scuds are
ready to fire.

Two minutes
and 30 seconds.

Hey. Hey!
Where's he goin'?

Hey! Hey!

All right, my man!

You stay right here.
I gotta go.

Hey, guys,
move over! Move over!

"Cock firing mechanism."

Report the situation.
Shut up.

"Aim, set range if known
or estimate?"

Who came up
with these directions?
I don't know.

Tell me to shut up
one more time

and I'm gonna
rip your spine out and
use it for a putting iron!

Shut up. I'm not good
with directions.

"Push safety
and hold down."

Okay, now, everybody back!

"Fire by pushing trigger."

Suck on this
a-one time!

Oh. Sorry.

Last chance, my friend.

Yeah!
Yeah!

Whoo!

Oh, man!

Oh!

Guys, at my signal,
everybody scream like crazy.

Make 'em think we've got
50 guys up here, okay?
Uh-huh. Okay.

One and go!

We scared 'em!

Yeah, don't mess with
the Glendale Reservists!

Behind you!

Two weeks a year,
one weekend a month.

We're the few!

We're the proud!

We're the water boys!

- Bones, duck!
- Get down!

Yeah, hey.
All right, Stern.

Thanks.

Not bad for a bunch
of water boys, huh?

No! Soldiers!
I'm proud of you guys.

Glendale!

You oughta be
damn pleased
with yourselves!

Congratulations.
You did an outstanding job.

It wasn't a job,
First Sergeant.

It was an adventure.

Hey! Hey!

Oh.

You're gonna have to go
get a blood test, Bones.
What?

Have a good day.
If you need anything
come see us.

Look at that hair!
Oh, hey!

How you doin'?
Real well.

Jack and Bones, huh?
Yeah.

You fellas gonna be
all you can be?

It's a win-win situation?

Oh, this is crazy, man!
No, it's brilliant!

It's just two weeks
a year, man.

One weekend a month.

That can't be right.
I swear!

Trust me.

What should we do?
Water purification
sounds good to me, man.